Old Men Have No Mercy. Bob Stromberg - Full Special

but i found i found that stuff to be really effective so nice to be with you hey may i ask and please do not feel embarrassed about raising your hand if you're one of these people how many of you out there never heard of me no idea what i'm going to do for you just raise your hand if you're one of those hold them right up hold them up okay six wait i just want to let you guys know who held your hands up there okay i just want to let you guys know in particular that i'm a pretty big deal didn't used to be even in six months ago nothing special and then i'm online one day and this facebook uh message box popped up from a facebook friend who was actually a real friend and it said congratulations so proud so i said thank you why he said check out the link and i did i clicked on the link it took me to americomics.com top comics of the year there's my picture my bio the whole thing right there so yeah thank you thank you there were 3 400 of us i was in a smaller category called clean slash older the three of us and the other two guys had walkers but here's the great thing about the internet and if you're younger than me and that's most of you here uh if you're younger than me you know this is true oh my goodness what a marketing tool that is huh to think that i could have a career like this for 40 years which i did 40 40 years just kind of like like this and then this thing happens on the internet and it it's just like whoa look give me an example i went back to that website three weeks ago now there are only two so god is doing some wonderful things for me in my life judging from that last guy's picture [Music] getting older i'm getting away and you are too by the way we're we're all uh getting older this uh but but you know most of the time you don't even know it you you don't even you don't think about it it's except one day you might go oh there's a little grain something like but normally you don't even think about it except those special times when you realize i'm getting older i've been through one of those i i had my 50 year checkup a couple months a few years actually it's been nearly two decades just out of interest how many of you been through that 50-year check-up stuff for you hilarity yourself anybody out there anybody yeah okay you know that that's the special one isn't it that's the one where the normally healthy person has their first exposure to the whole idea of the colonoscopy i can just break that word down for you briefly colon that's the last five or six feet of the large intestine and escopey asco p latin word medical term literally translated garden hose with camcorder my doctor was describing for me what i was going to be going through and i don't know how i got to be 50 years of age without knowing what that procedure i don't know how that got we've been very healthy in my family i guess i just didn't know what it was and so he's describing for me what i would be enduring and i should tell you that my doctor is actually my best one of my best friends since college so for 40 years we've been close friends has a wonderful sense of humor we've had a great relationship and and so as he was telling me what i'm going through because of our relationship i thought he was joking so my response was [Laughter] [Laughter] they are going to put me out for this i don't know how i feel about my doctor's bedside manner he actually laughed in my face he said no no no bob you can watch the whole thing if you want i said no i don't think i'm that flexible [Music] then to make it worse i i had to drink uh two big plastic bottles of this stuff meant to cleanse my digestive system and i don't know how you felt about that stuff ma'am but i found i found that stuff to be really effective 3 a.m i'm in my favorite place my wife came in she said you you did dilute this stuff didn't you i would explain it cleanse my digestive system every other system i lost computer files that night the instruction sheet from the hospital said before you come for your 6 a.m procedure be sure that you drink listen 3 800 milliliters of water i'm from minnesota not manitoba i have no idea what this me i didn't i never studied them the metric uh uh system i'm not familiar with this term i've never sold drugs i did not know what this meant so four am i'm in my kitchen with a bowl and a measuring cup and a ruler [Laughter] trying to figure out how many milliliters are in an inch don't work too hard on that the answer is none but then i started thinking milla mill no i think that junior high coming back i think that means thousands so i backed the decimal point up three places to 3.8 they shot that out in canada by the way 3.8 liters which is a gallon of water and i'm thinking is this is this possible could this be accurate i'm type i think it is i've never drank a gallon of water in one standing in my life but i did it and i got to the hospital and the nurse said well mr stromberg how are you feeling i said well not great i just drank a gallon of water can you can you explain to me why why why i wouldn't even think it would be safe medically to do such a thing and she said well you need you're going to need to fill up that little the plastic cup the little cup from here i'm kind of hoping so because otherwise it won't even be a challenge [Music] and then she went over and she got the little plastic cup i mean that's so disappointing and condescending because i was pretty sure i could have done it the point of the story is it made me feel my age it made me feel old and also made me feel old because the doctor was maybe 15. fortunately he didn't come by himself his girlfriend tagged along they had their little white earbuds in during the whole procedures like how rude is that i didn't mind though you know why because they gave me this sedative oh my goodness i'll bet there's somebody from the medical field who knows what that's called what is that called anybody know no that wasn't it verse said verses i always forget i know the generic name sure i don't mind go ahead do whatever you want and that got that stuff got me wondering what general anesthesia must be like because i've never i've never experienced that or if i have my buddy across the street though cal uh he has uh same age as me we have sons of same age we played ball basketball with our kids in the driveway pretty competitively as they got older for all we played from the time they were toddlers all the way through their adult young adult years and about seven eight years ago uh my boys came home for i think it was for thanksgiving and they said hey dad andersons are coming over we're gonna play come on come on i said you know what you guys i i i think i'm done so what what what do you mean about i just i think i'm it's probably best i think i'm done what do you mean you're done dad you can't be done we've been doing this our whole lives you can't what do you mean you're done i'll explain i quit and it wasn't that i would have my way because my boys were taller than i am faster stronger now better ballplayers fathers like to see that happen to their kids huh no what bothered me was i felt that my my boys were routinely hurting me in far too many creative ways they seemed to enjoy it too much and i said you know guys you're going to hurt me badly i'm not going to be able to do my work anymore so i actually quit which was a good decision they weren't happy but it was a good decision because my my neighbor my age cal he kept playing last winter popped his achilles tendon yeah do you know what happens when you pop an achilles tendon rolls right up the back i know they found out behind his shoulder blade they had him on a gurney they're rolling him down the hall they're going to grab it roll it back down and attach it he said he saw one little drip of general anesthesia going to his hand and he thought to himself what if i'm one of those people it doesn't work on in a panic he sat right up on the cot looked the surgeon right in the eye and said this stuff better work and the surgeon said well i think it did because we're all done i'll tell you for me one of the great things about getting old i mean this is the greatest thing in the last several years for the first times i have become a grandfather pretty young house here are there any grandparents out here any grandparents yeah oh look right there yeah same as the colonoscopy people amazing i asked your grandparents is there anything like it there isn't is it there's nothing there's nothing and we were told this do you remember his parents we were told wait to your grandparents we were like you know we you couldn't we couldn't understand i did not even know that i was emotionally capable of experiencing what i did until my my grandkids were born i told my two sons i thought i loved you with my whole heart but apparently not [Music] because until your kids are born i didn't know i had that extra three quarters left over in there and then my mom and dad got a chance to come out and meet their first great grandson his name was ben is still ben and to see my dad holding this little baby in his arms the day after he was born same family vastly different worlds huh here's this little baby who was just born to affluent well educated parents in a high-tech hospital and here's my dad this little old man who was not born into affluency but born to to dirt poor immigrant swedish farmers in the rocky hills of pennsylvania and not born in a high-tech hospital but born out in the barn and then they lay him in the manger well there was no room and the shepherds came roy and vera shepherd from the farm down the road this is the story we heard he may have exaggerated a bit in fact i know you when i was a kid hardly a week went by by what my dad wouldn't say to me when i was your age i used to get up at four in the morning to walk 12 miles to school uphill both ways through the snow barefoot no no no naked many mornings i was naked long lines of naked children go school so cool you have no idea how cold i heard that line a lot you have no you have no idea if i said to him ah twisted twisted that ankle there's some pain my dad would say you have no idea what pain is when i was a kid pain really hurt walk it off that was his solution to any melody walk it up bloody nose well walk it on diarrhea thanks dad i think it's working i had appendicitis my dad told me to walk it off now listen i cut him a little slacker he's not a medical doctor that's the problem he didn't know that i had a pen i didn't know that i had it but i did and when i woke up at 4 00 am in recovery my dad was three feet away going i'm so sorry oh uh i'm so if i'd known it was appendicitis i never would have told you that i'm so sorry i thought it was a gallstone or a twisted bowel well i'll tell you for 40 years folks no lie i have gotten so many laughs at my father's expense but i want you to know if he were here tonight he'd be sitting at well he'd be sleeping but i would tell these stories and he would just be delighting in them which just tickles me just to know that my dad gets it my dad understands his boy's profession my dad understands i'm just using him to make money [Music] [Laughter] hardly ever seen him angry not many of you could say that about your dad hardly ever seen well one time he was i had a slinky how many of you did by the way slinky look at oh look at those here hey yeah that has to be one of the greatest marketing feats in american history right there think about this some marketing genius convinced listen 300 million of us that we all had to have our own personal spring did this for hours because what else could it do people it did not go downstairs i did not yours didn't either no i didn't went down two steps and threw itself down the rest you know that's true [Applause] i had a giant slinky we're talking close to two bucks and apparently one day after playing with i left it laying in the high grass where the next day my dad hit it with the power mower and this did upset him though may not have been so much anger as it was just fear because that is a terrifying sight to see that ever lengthening strand of wire an inch and a half above the ground rotating at 2200 rpm i moved the whole backyard in three and a half seconds that day see my dad jumping back there i got a call from my mom a few years back she said your dad's had a terrible accident my dad old man now huh had climbed up in an apple tree 18 feet it's about as high as you go on an apple tree huh he's picking apples up there and throwing them to my cousin who should have been in the tree throwing them to my cousin and my cousin was catching the apples and putting them in an apple basket and my dad figured out if he could pick a whole lot of apples and throw them faster than my cousin could catch them and put them then he could repeatedly hit my cousins and they got laughing well my dad was grabbed a rotten limb snapped off 18 feet to the ground old paratrooper he managed to land on his side but shattered his pelvis they have him in surgery for four or five hours trying to screw him back together my mom's trying to get a hold of me for four six eight hours i can't remember why he finally does i said can i talk to him she said yeah i think so hey folks i want to tell you something i am a guy who has always loved his mom and dad i love my mom and dad and never a moment in my life have i questioned if my mom and dad love me i always knew how much they loved me but having said that i would also tell you this my dad and i didn't say those three words i love you hardly ever and i've wondered why that is because i always said those words to my boys and they to their kids and now i to my grandkids and now my dad and i we talk two three times a week we face time we never end a conversation without saying i love you dad and he to me i love you son but all those years growing up we didn't say those three words i said mom can i talk to him she said yeah i think so and then i heard him say hi bob two syllables and i heard the pain in his voice i said dad i'm so sorry he said well thanks bob i said i heard you're up pretty high he said you have no idea [Music] i thought he's going to tell me about how his skin was heating up as he came through the atmosphere back down to earth i said dad i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better he said well thanks bob and i realized there was something to be said because life is short huh and i said those three words so long overdue i said dad walk it off which got him laughing pretty hard by the way and apparently it really hurts to laugh with a crotch full of screws but hey story wouldn't have had to have ended that way i might have said i love you dad and had i said that i know he would have said well you have no idea how much i love you which is one of the reasons i am a blessed man thank you everybody god bless you great you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 422,716

Rating: 4.9197893 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Bob Stromberg, Bob Stromberg Dry Bar Comedy, Bob Stromberg Comedy, Bob Stromberg Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Colonoscopy, walk it off, old men, no mercy, dbc, stand up, getting older, old age

Id: ELUs7a0d5Q4

Length: 22min 5sec (1325 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 25 2021