The Worlds Funniest Police Officer. Kevin Jordan - Full Special

hey you been drinking you got you got a bottle under the seat right there right there I have been blessed enough I've done over a hundred USO shows for the troops overseas you know I think they ask too much about soldiers you get captured by the enemy you can't even give out information did you know that name rank serial number that's all you can give away I don't know if I could pull that off they captured me give me like a touch for your shoe saw I'm telling you a thing all right you step over to this map over here they give them camouflage uniforms btus they used to call them in the army that green and black camera I just said army and Marines having camouflage they go into jungles they hide they sneaky like that they get our uniform to the Air Force to what do you need to look like a tree for were you working an airbase were you afraid to enemy gonna fly overhead ooh stand still [Laughter] I like women in the military I think it's sexy women sir I put that camouflage uniform on something about a woman dressed like a tree with boots on I buy you one girl dress you up like a tree spray you a little pine Saul send you out into the forest to hide from me I've run up on you I'll be like yeah I got you don't you hide don't you look like a tree I will go find you but I caught you she'd be like I'm over here yeah I never joined the military I joined the police department I was a Los Angeles police officer [Applause] most amazing soon as I quit me in the police officer they had the Rodney King scandal OJ scandal chief tower gate scandal rampart division scandal and the gang division scandal all that happened after I quit who knew I was a glue whole that whole department together I mean a cop just like being in the military academies like boot camp get up every Monday seeing those running songs Oh bending them all away thrives and song run all day to run and done I hated that we're policemen we should have been singing songs like running around this gymnasium fall around Donuts gonna get some hot when they're a cop over here we're right there right there oh yeah okay oh don't point to him don't do that we used to love people who pointed those our favorite people you pull somebody over hey you've been drinking you got you got a bottle under the seat right there your police officer yeah look at you don't like the light in your eyes see what it feels like you see that yeah bottom people were drunk they were blind see how it happens what city Logan it's a big town big city you got a helicopter no you got a tank LAPD we got a tank buster I got everybody I learn to drive you got anything yet you got a siren on top of the car you got that but a passenger officers got to stick his head out the window are you retired clothes man how many years you got on 23 what do you want what do you work Juvenal tries well look at 17 hey that's my grandma's glaucoma medicine that's what that was I worked Patrol backbone a department Matta fact I had a female partner on our patrol at a female partner 5-1 110 pounds I said not only five 440 we got out of the car we wrecked the Munchkins I'm the Wizard of Oz there's a welcome to a side of a car [Music] get back in the car and drive away [Music] alright let's see who we got in the audience time let's see let's see who's here alright so apparently on a Saturday night Provo oh we only have one black person that's it just one this is terrible how are you honey alright give me the wig if they holding you here against your will States all around a lot I like I travel a lot though always amazes me when I go places I don't see people of color that's just amazing me when I travel I was in Minot North Dakota no black people at North Dakota I'm not is this one guy go I go hey what's the black part of town and the guy actually goes wherever you happen to be at the time I'm fighting off a cold but nothing worth fighting over a fact I almost I almost didn't show up I was gonna cancel I was gonna just I was gonna call in sick on this show that's what you do when you don't want to go to work all right call in sick everybody calls a sick a day job no one ever believes you when you do it always got used your very best call in sick voice when I used to work in an office my very best call in sick voice was was Elmer Fudd oh I'm not feeling very well today I'll be in the mouth well then when you do get sick what do you do you go to work man I feel like crap but no sense wasted a sick day [Laughter] how old are you you'll right there in the middle of the black you how old are you 17 ain't that something seventeen sitting here with the grown folk tonight look at you look at you got a little puffers on your lip there they got one hair coming out of your chin sitting here like you special you ain't even a man yet seventeen don't get it don't get it twisted let me show you something you see this I'm a man you know why cuz I'm in the man club I'm in a man club he's in the man club he's in the man club he's in a man club he's in the man club he's in the man club I'm being a man club 17 answer the man club question you could be the man club just like us you ready here we go do you know where your prostate is [Music] you ain't a man till the tema experts coming room and show you away a prostate and really a whole team but I feel like the whole team going in that is a wicked exam that factor comes in the office with some grease in the glove that's all your brains can't bring me no flowers he ain't take me out to dinner I don't know what kind of grease they used on that exam but it don't wash can't wipe it off you walk around for three days 70 look look how good-looking yard to look at you got all your hair I bet both your knees are real walk into a room and remember why you went in there don't get old 70 I'm telling you fight it tooth and nail don't get up they will do some things to you I had that other exam oh because I have health care now I didn't always have health they do it in Canada they got free health care we fight oh how we gonna pay for who are we gonna call the who gonna name it you could be in Toronto and break a nail oh I got a broken nail really come on in getting an MRI it's free just again I ain't never had health care before one day I was riding my bike I fell I ain't know what to do so went to the airport laid on the x-ray machines broke in the deals broken now I have health care BM alone proactive about my life like I had that other exam colonoscopy you ever heard of this 117 huh they take a camera and they shove it right up yet right they make you just groggy enough so you can't fight back take that camera shut up you and take pictures and that it's a selfie you do not want to put on Facebook that exam made me nervous I never had an exam like that before I was really nervous so I always deal with with nervousness with a little humor so I was messing with the doctor I go hey listen when I was like 2 or 3 I swallowed a little truck so see if you see it in there now wise guy dr. head goes was it blue 70 kids a shell its kids so bad ice watching a talk show children out of control 11 12 years old on national TV cursing at a mother that's terrible I'm on I was 12 years old my mother told me to wash the dishes you washing no dishes suck my teeth roll my eyes and turn my head two weeks later when I came to at the hospital though this is still sitting there waiting for me to play no crap back then there were no timeouts a timeout what is that I'm a little knocked out for there behind about you know kids today they called 911 and wish somebody told me about that when I was a kid my father been like oh you can call 9-1-1 all right there's the phone and here's you now if you think you can make it from here to the phone before I make it from here to your behind go go call the police on me and an ambulance for yourself get sometimes don't even blame the children because they children children gonna get away with anything you let children get away with sometimes ain't bad now all I do is blame us the adults cuz all we do now is give them labels oh he's not bad he's a DD it's not a small be a B be a deep deep ain't no I have a DD back in the day you know it's okay a DD B ELT that's what - can i spells belt seventeen as an old African adage goes like this takes a village to raise a child used to be like her used to be anybody in the neighborhood who knew you they saw you do wrong they was allowed to whip your behind I remember once that throw a snowball out of bus lady up she saw me do it she what my god she told lady never cross tree for me she what my behind that wall my told my mother what my behind taught my father my father called the bus driver up he came over got some shots in and they wasn't too particular but they'd swing at you back there neither hairbrushes extension cords that big fork and spoon that hung on a wall and I kitchen she never tossed no salads with him things twice my behind around the living room that's all she ever did 80 she can [ __ ] she mad at you she was in your room she picked up a hot wheel track whip you with that everybody got what with a hot wheel track many a time I went to school with the orange parallel lines got my behind ain't that about nothing give you a Christmas present what peel behind with it she's got too much of a Nintendo Super Nintendo PlayStation 1 2 3 4 Xbox Dreamcast game boy game cube we switch it's the new one how what are you over there with the glasses 60 who you here with 16 your mom and dad ain't that sad mom and dad wouldn't have a Saturday night and had to bring you along you guys got children did you bring no you guys got children did you bring them no children bring no you get that soup I'm getting don't bring figure to club you don't really need sixty what gaming system you got at home sixty Xbox one wait you got seventeen Nintendo switch cuz we're rich we can handle them high-tech toys umma kids most high-tech toy we had was such a sketch I said you played that game for hours hey what do you make it stairs [Music] oh man I messed up hit the delete button my sister had a toy called a Suzie homemaker Easy Bake Oven that it cook by lightbulb cook a cake that big with a light ball that was high-tech had two little kids on the box staring into the oven I right above their heads and said watch a cake bake right before your eyes yeah you know why Johnny couldn't read because Johnny burns retinas out watching that tape back we had simple toys had to use a little a little imagination with our toys we had played up ain't nothing more simple than a can of play-doh pop up with a fresh can everybody over 40 knows that a kind of play-doh tastes like to everybody everything about our generation was better we had better candy back in the day we had that fashion candy necklace never that little beads on the stringy some snap it out give your friends some let him lick on it snap it back [Music] Nate could be all wet from spitting saliva but a little wax bottle with the juice in it okay Helen that much juice was refreshing hmm looking cool walking down the street with your candy cigarettes you ever have a Red Bull 17 huh we didn't need Red Bull back in our day we had Pixy Stix big straw full of sugar oh man I once ran from New York to Connecticut in six minutes we had great Oh number listen none of those big red wax lips yeah that wasn't a big seller in my neighborhood but knock yourselves out on our I feel sorry for these kids today nothing's exciting we had television television was exciting we were kids man every Sunday you watch the zoo Walt Disney everything was excited they got too many channels Hulu and Netflix YouTube cable you know 5,000 we had seven shots seven channels as a kid said it but there was always something good on like we had a show for a doll could talk to humans Lessie chimneys in the barn the barns on fire about a year after that show they double down on us and gave us a dolphin that could talk to humans flipper Timmy's in the barn I don't know these kids got so weak I can't eat white breakage wait Britt has a Newton in it we grew up on the white as a white bread of all time Wonder Bread those like biting into a cloud in the Solway help build a strong body 12 wait 12 ways I nobody could move to UM wait but Wonder Bread would do that for you you're my favorite sandwich was when I was a kid spaghetti and meatball on Wonder Bread that's enough gluten to kill for kids city I don't blame him I don't blame these kids though I don't you know every commercial they see is a drug commercial is n8x right for you ask your doctor do you need centex zenit X may cause baldness blindness loss of appetite tooth decay anal leakage that is a lot to cure runny nose I tell you that right now we had drug commercials back in the day but they weren't trying to kill us watch this 17 plop plop fizz fizz relief no leads I think so lasers videogames they can't run can't jump they do this all day I'll give you a perfect example how lazy kids are today in our day we had a lollipop called the charms lollipop okay that big that thick you licked that lollipop man it was good leave that blog hop for about four days and the mouth will turn red green aren't right now it's a good lollipop yes how lazy they are today they make a lollipop now there's a battery in the handle and the lollipop pins around how lazy can you be I'm tired I think we were the last generation that go outside and play everything we did was outside you ran around the street until the street light came on and that was a signal for everybody to go in the house every game we play was a running game hide-and-go-seek was a running game tag was a running game so days you step off the house you in the middle of the game you'd even know you was playing you ever played cootie 617 never somebody would grab a stick like this and it would rub it around and a little dog crap like that and they'd chase you all over the neighborhood with that thing you step out the house somebody with your cootie sick poison [Applause] that's what we did that's how we were we ran we ran in every game we played running game our CK everybody our CK 17 never play again girls run and you chase them if you catch one you couldn't kiss her that's right our CK run catch a kiss you know what you learned as a kid playing that game the cute girls are really really fast because all the ugly girls run down the street oh I fell Oh [Applause] I always fall in this game you just run up on him oh excuse me go [Music] came to me kids no more you got pets at home 17 yeah we got a dog yeah we had a dog me and my brothers we used to get hamsters hamsters are only a dollar a piece all three of us could get one and then we used to play hamster Olympics never played it get a record player with the hamster on the record player first you started 33 then the 45 there's 78 many be hamsters flying all over our room my brothers would G cuz he would dip theirs in Krazy Glue before they put him on the record player see little hamsters gone around like it's 17 what's a record player imma read you from New York City I get this all the time you don't sound like a real black New Yorker they call black New Yorker cell like this it say what over there what you made was oh no yo yo what's up what's up I got family to talks like that soon as I dog will open the door in New York it's good yeah boy you're weird come in yo give us a kiss stuff give us a kiss like a settle down grandma I guess I got two older brothers I got an older system when I was a kid my father had the biggest car ever made in American history Oh bigger than a Cadillac a brand-new 1967 Ford LTD Country Squire station wagon big car big so big didn't even have wood paneling on like most station wagons had two full-grown redwoods chef Nissa my mother my father sat up front my brother my sister my brother they sat in the middle and their way in the back and I seat their face in the other direction this is my chair anywhere we ever went any trip we ever took this is where I had to sit the only time I knew where we was going is we backed out the driveway are we there yet that's my job any trip we ever went on - it's my job every five minutes to ask are we there yet no I asked it how the heck am I supposed to know I can still see the house from here now every summer my father got into his head that we had to go see America two weeks and every year go see America get out there the open roads get out there no super highways people waving to me all the time now up there with my brothers and sisters where they had all sorts of games to play with coloring books connect-the-dots toys puzzles all sorts of things to do up there I was back here with my father's tools had the makeup things to play with hey there's a roll of dads good tape boy I bet I have a lot of fun playing with that what are you doing back there you know we should go to drive-in movies theater a lot the whole family be watching Bambi by Disney I'm watching Bambi and Eddie 17 oh you're an old school kid no I'll give you the old school test that's your buddy next year how are you 17 17 officer both you stand up stand up stand right there right there right there they ain't no I'm gonna give you both the old school test okay here we go here's what you're gonna win prizes involved here's what you're gonna you win a bag old school candy all right it's got a wax bottle with the Jews got some Pixy sticks that's this can you what was this candy that's ya got that's a little like half circles of cement you're gonna eat more paper than candy I'm telling you that right now it's gonna be like a high fiber candy okay all right so here we go all right all right so all you have to do is answer one question right okay all right don't help them that's our future right here 17 17 all right okay so just get one question right all right here we go here's the first question what is this a number two pencil no no you were so close though no this is what we used to use to rewind our cassettes all right that's a hard one okay but since this is easy can you see that you see that what is that a nickel man you were so close on this one that was close no this the exact amount of weight we needed to put it on a recognizer to keep it from skipping booze do know where the record player is okay okay this one's easy ie your dad got tools or your mom got tools but since this is easy what set pliers no no you were so close man you are so close no this is what we used to use to change the channel on the TV Oh Marty and it's only there was no remote back in the day you are the remote you be outside playing if you have a car how's your dad change the TV to Channel seven alright come on now we're halfway through you ain't get one yet right come on all right this is all right this is easy this is easy even the mist or everybody been to the store what's this that's easy what's that a brown paper bag no no you were so close though it's a book cover [Applause] I think it's like four four four over there you know what this is write a book okay because y'all scare me y'all know that video online you don't know what it is this is the original Google right here this is it this is the C Book Encyclopedia we were kids everybody had a set of encyclopedias right Britannica or World Book if you had to write a report on Columbus you got the C book 30 kids in the class everybody copied out the book 30 of the same reports show up at school alright come on we're getting near the end I want you to win okay wait this is easy this one's easy see this what is this is that a phone book no you were so close it's a booster chair you see we saw this twice at your grandma's house Thanksgiving the Christmas I know because I had to use one so okay still do are just the last question right this time just ask somebody because I don't want you to go home at the end there right so ask somebody if you know the answer just ask all right all right this one's easy yes once he's stuck in now let's get out of here all right what is this an antenna no it's a hanger now as an antenna oh thanks guys there's one for you one for success [Applause] time must be forgetting me I uh I got a watch for Christmas my son bought me a watch I wanted to watch I wanted a watch but me and I watch let's see you can check your pictures and you can check your email you can play your music you can make a phone call like Dick Tracy Dick Tracy something you kid tells you how well you slept has a little heartbeat monitor you can send your heartbeat to somebody I think they put that feature in there so your children don't have to visit you [Laughter] see you can tell the temperature in different countries today so my ask me what time it was I have no idea but a 60 degrees and raining in Paris I know that people say why you become a cop I can say right now once I got a Napoleon complex I got shot man disease my attitude when I was a cop was the bigger the guy was the more wonder Whoopi's behind I whipped up on some big guy so once with this guy up he's like like five six monster I couldn't be a cop in provo I take that right now it's too cold it is talking nah I would never leave my warm police car I get get in behind like the worst criminal in town I just get on the radio step out of your vehicle you yell back come up here and get me alright you can go I just got married six months in going pretty good my wife is a retired homicide detective she's a detective a lieutenant homicide detective my might has a unique way of making me do things that I don't want to do like I won't wash dishes they never wash new dishes ain't never gonna wash no dishes that's my thing I ain't washing no dishes my wife likes to watch a show called Dateline never seen this show Joyce about a murder usually a spouse you know and they show how the police solved the murder she likes to watch that show with me and then that the end of the show she always go you know what they did wrong on that show right when you bury a body but cement that way the dogs can't smell the body and you always leave your phone off leave it at home because when you drive with your phone the GPS on the towers leaves a ping trail that's how I would have done you're gonna get them dishes done my wife has two guns she's protective she has a two-inch five-shot Smith & Wesson and she has a beretta locked in a case when she moved into my house she hid the guns I said to her where'd you put the guns she goes you do not need to know I can't even have a simple argument with my wife okay you know one day we were watching the game she goes man the lake is looking good you crazy like a stink gee I'll be right back oh wait wait wait no I was talking then lake is a good Oh I'll do the dishes I'll do this I had a bachelor party are you married 17 no it's Utah nothing wrong with a bachelor party no I want a bachelorette party no the best party for a woman bridal shower that's what the one get all them great gifts nice no Victoria's Secret oh that is my favorite store in the whole world they should put a big keg of beer and some bleachers and that's done look love all those sexy things you married like all those sexy things in life yeah I know you like them you just don't get to see him anymore do you you only see it twice when you get married see it once on the honeymoon you see it again if she wrecked your car really bad that's it as I tell you what every woman in it every single woman in it has a tunnel on Joey at home i tunneling all stuck in the one drawer so full of lingerie they can't open that drawer they don't never wear nothing at the bed no nor they wear that nasty oversized Utah Jazz t-shirt yesterday we're shirt so old sick I picture Carm alone on the Friday victorious they always have a women's underwear sale going on in that store right now got immense dose your men's underwear sale that's cuz men think a three pack underwear is a 15 year supply we will wear them and wear them to the elastic band just disintegrates we don't throw them away then then we take him outside to wash the car let him look at it's my scooby-doo's let me tell you guys something about let me tell you something about police work for a change let me tell you something real quick in Miami hey never get a speeding ticket yeah really you know why you got it because you deserve it right you guys don't listen the speed limit says define that's what it says that's the linen Oh officer don't they allow you five miles no where does the sign say 55 but if your baby son come on the radio go on take five all for yourself with a little winky emoji on a six five you go to the mountains you get on the edge of the mountain the signs say this is your limit you don't go hey let's take five more steps and if you get a ticket just tell you the ticket pay the ticket don't try to bribe the officer I've had guys off of me cash I had a guy off of me cocaine oh yeah that's real smart don't pay $150 ticket go to jail for two years how about that's a good trade-off I had a person once say to me I'll show you my breasts if you let me off the ticket it's a good listen no no sir you don't have to do that you can leave but now yeah sometimes let me tell you guys something about police on the inside police work sometimes you'll see two officers working together they don't always get along you know I've had some bad partners I just one partner I hated that guy who do is yell at me don't touch the log sheet don't touch the radio understand what I'm saying yeah don't touch anything I understand yeah yeah then you go back and tell the captain Jordan just said say won't touch the log sheet won't touch anything officer Tucker was his date talk about well Tucker we'll leave it there I just I'm so one day me and Tucker get a call and we make an arrest I'm putting the guy away in the holding cell well you put a guy way in a holding cell you take off all your weapons take off your primary weapon take off your secondary weapon pick up your mace take off everything you're locking away that way there's no accidents when you put them away so I'm processing the guy is a bang on the glass it's Tucker come on we gotta go we gotta go there's a 211 and wind chills right up the street come on now for those of you who don't know wind chills it's a donut shop in Los Angeles if you're a criminal robbing a donut shop two blocks from a police station it's pretty certain we're gonna catch you so he's banging on the glass come on we gotta go we gotta go something like I haven't finished come on come on we gotta go so out we go run jump in the cruiser we can't over there halfway there I realize I have no weapons on me we get to Winchell's just as the two guys are coming out of wind chills we pull up Tucker jumps out on the driver side pulls his weapon clones him out I jump out on the passenger side I don't have anything so I just point my finger at Tucker says hey I'm gonna go inside to see if there's any more you sit out here and you hold these guys here he runs into the wind chills I'm saying even they're looking that led me like what's going on Tucker comes out looks at me I look at him he looks at me he goes you should take the safety off cheese story I did a lot of cool things on the job coolest thing ever did was deliver a baby that's the coolest thing ever done you know this woman her water broke and it was cool because I got my name in the LA Times the next day and everything but this woman her water broke and she calls her husband to come get her and he don't show up so she tried to drive herself to the hospital and she panicked and pull into a 7-eleven so much so my crews are at a red light they ran out street got me had to turn around and come back in and deliver a baby and a 7-eleven got my name in LA Times next day everything let me tell you something you work for LAPD they just assume you know how babies boom they don't show you a video you know puppet show nothing I never see no baby born before I thought a baby would pop out and maybe even a blanket pop out winner huh there's a lot of things that come out of there with that day I thought she was having twins that's like you know mmm one of them look like you and the little one you're gonna have to love him special he ugly yeah here's the best part you'll appreciate this too most of it here's the best part so then when they when they EMT came and took her to the hospital when she pulled into 7-eleven she pulled into a heavy cats lap so wrote a card at it towed away [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 3,926,607

Rating: 4.8576832 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Kevin Jordan, Kevin Jordan Dry Bar Comedy, Kevin Jordan Comedy, Kevin Jordan Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, dbc, stand up, police officer, funny police officer, cops, cop, LAPD, old man, funny

Id: UWLDQeVK16A

Length: 44min 55sec (2695 seconds)

Published: Sat May 23 2020