Australians Are Never Politically Correct. Mike Siegel - Full Special

you offended half my wedding and I think he's dating my wife but it sounds cool but he says it what down south this summer I was in Mexico City for five days I just went by myself and never been there before I love Mexico I think it gets a bad rap I love the people loved it and everybody was so scared they would say don't go to Mexico City man why oh it's really spread out it's really crowded and the traffic's horrible and the air quality is bad and there's a lot of crime and you can't speak English and everywhere and I was like yeah I live in LA we just described every day in my life for the last 20 years who don't tell me is that a lot of Mexicans there too what's that like gee I hope I understand the food what is this a taco am I saying that right taco is that interesting it's no big deal tell you why you live in LA you go to Mexico dad a big culture shock you know it's a culture shock to me now Vermont that's a culture shock Alabama just a bunch of people walking around speaking English and poor and ranch dressing all over everything what's the gringo got to do get it cold horchata up in here what else was I had a far trip last year I went to Australia anybody been there yeah that's fun boy I love Australians they're just tan Canadians who surf and again no one hates them they get away with anything Australian guy these are the least politically correct people you've ever met in your life they just say anything they want blah they don't care and they get away with it with that cool accent here's something an Australian guys never done before telling a filthy joke in public never done it this bad just says it it just covers it up I know where he's made that's fine then I guess he offended half my wedding and I think he's dating my wife but it sounds cool but he says it learned how to speak Australian when I was there it's very simple all you do is just shorten every word breakfast is brekkie mosquitoes are mozzies sunglasses are Sunny's and board shorts or forties is shortened every word except the names of their towns which are 85 letters long all right boys we got one set for tomorrow eat your prank but on your board ease where your son ease and look out for the mozzies cuz we're going to the town of boom b-boom b-boom leap on go it's just south to jumper one but Kasia CooCoo no worries me Australians get around I see them all over the world the only people I see more travel there's the Germans boy I've never not run into one German somewhere you right there see there's always one always one two of them oh man you guys travel everywhere right I've never been to a veteran you haven't been and and they'd like to get off the grid boy you could go to the most remote place of the world hack through four days of Borneo jungle off the grid off the GPS off the map you come across some hidden Cove with its overgrown and you think to yourself wow I'm probably the first human being that ever set foot on this spot and the second lay down your backpack and naked German couple walks out good and ty where'd you come from we've been here for three weeks Weil German we have 47 weeks of paid vacation a year for those Germans love getting naked outdoors in public boy whoops we see your body of water those shorts are down it's good to be natural outside yeah yeah sir this is Disney waterpark if you could just take those shorts up your hair you're scaring the children I don't want to put too much pressure on you because I just had the greatest gig I've ever done the most rewarding I just performed for the troops and it's amazing just getting there that's the hardest part about going to perform for the troops you have to just get there I had to go all the way from Los Angeles to San Diego and whoo rush hour huh Wow for giving out medals come on now they're so young that's the thing when you when you meet them in person the troops that just you forget how young they are they're just kids there was so enthusiastic and grateful we were there and they wanted to pay me and I wouldn't take it just I just took some cookies these were Girl Scout troops did I mention that our personal I always bury the lead on that sorry still heroes every one of them every one of them heroes I admire anybody who joins the military I you tried I you know went down there and army doctors told me I had cowardice so apparently that's not what they're looking for in the service these days told me to stick with comedy so I do I know when your comedian get asked the same questions all the time and I think the honest question I always get asked is say you're comedian huh yeah like it yeah Oh we'll be up here if I don't want to be here generally this is not one of those jobs your parents force you into never here a guy here complaining yeah I wanted to be a doctor but my old man comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy I was the only kid Little League with big floppy clown shoes X my parents are pretty cool is what I do which is odd because they're smart they're teachers we need good teachers I've had some bad ones yeah their teachers here yeah god bless it we need good teachers I've had fifth grade I had a teacher she would use big words and use them wrong then one day that was in a clip so we all wanted to run out and go see the Eclipse and she stops us at the door she goes don't look right at the Sun don't look straight at the Sun you'll burn your rectum so lady I think you're looking out the wrong eye five up top all right yeah I'll find my own way to the principal's office thank you very much I know where it is I was at the principal's office a lot cuz I had an attitude problem and Here I am yeah my parents taught science which is my worst subject ever but I got an a on every science project why I had help you always know the kids who had help because everybody else's walk around little paper cups with seeds growing out of them and cheap clay volcanoes I'm over in the corner in a lab coat doing gene therapy Mike did your parents help you bill these are my monkeys parents but if your parents teach they I was trying to sneak little lessons to you all day when you don't know you're learning this happened to me is a true story my friends and I were about eight years old found the frog on the side of the house showed it to my dad and to give us a little science lesson on the spot he dissected it in the front yard looking back now kind of weird but at a time really cool an eight-year-old boy with guts didn't think it was great I learned a lot that day namely that my dad had a little reputation in the neighborhood after that was a long time before anybody's dog pooped in our yard again that's it fluffy do your business oh not that house holy cow dr. Frankenstein in that house my mama's a research chemist she actually worked on a cure for cancer which is hard to live up to I'll be honest I was calling her from the road hey mom how's it going oh really good we're doing gene transfer experiments with the simian virus hoping an isolated DNA working a vaccine what are you doing Mike I'm at the Chuckle barn in Toledo I get free chicken wings how's my monkeys comedies brought me a lot of places emerging from the Midwest Chicago and hey you two clap those frozen hands go ahead I moved out to California still not used to Hollywood I still can't get used to the people there's a guy in my gym and works out everyday in sunglasses it's pretend just right if I see you working out every day in sunglasses there better be a dog in front of you on the treadmill that's my heart rate boy because it is that's my impression of a blind guy shot my eyes actor acting there's a tough gig boy that's a tough one and one acting job last year one paid acting gig and it was a non-speaking role in an animated film I played a tree everybody's broke in Hollywood but no one was the act broke you have these friends that are broke snobs you know people like that they got no money but they'll turn their nose up at free stuff like they're too good for it and a friend like that drives me nuts I'll go hey man I got us free tickets for that concert you wanted to see free tickets he goes yeah where are the seats where the seats well apparently they're in the ungrateful bastard section where this seat see where the seats are there's 30 miles closer to the stage than your house that's all you need to know somebody told me when I got into this business I should incorporate myself for my taxes I should be a one-person corporation so I did that became a one-person corporation and then I was between gigs one year and I tried to get unemployment and they told me to get unemployment I was gonna have to fire myself I never fired anyone or been fired now we got to do both I didn't want to do it but then it took a second look at my financial performance from last year and I think I had it coming turns out I was the weak link in my corporation clearly I had to go so I called myself into the home office in the kitchen apparently there been rumors going through the hallways that something was going to him rumors of me showing up in pajamas sexual harassment they can't prove that though then I did it I let myself go I didn't take it well I'll be honest I'm not proud of this but on the way out I stole some stuff I thought I earned it go back on the road to make money there's no place I won't play paid a retirement home not too long ago things are looking up there's a 95 year old guy there 95 sharp is attack he's a stockbroker 95 year old stockbroker first stock he ever bought fire that's an old man bought the wheel at 26 cents a share he did very well he was there with his third wife who was 75 yeah this guy's robbing a 75 year old cradle and I asked him I was fascinated I said how do you get the ladies at your age you know as hey as a man the longer you live the better your odds get it's true I saw the ratio in the retirement home in a man and woman ratio if you're a single guy in a retirement home you're fighting off the ladies and if he can drive at night holy cow Brad Pitt with a walker going in there man I'm feeling aged already I'm starting I got this got my first pair of reading glasses whoa yeah yeah I got them yeah sure it's a proud day in a man's life go down to the drugstore get the three pack that used to mean something a lot more fun when I was a younger man no nope got them all over the house right there fellas I don't care how cool you think you are these will take all the cool right out of your game right there I don't care how smooth you think you are these will you put these on and your back starts to hurt immediately hello ladies I know I don't know what happened it's just like I woke up one day and I'm doing the extendo-arm it's like my eyeballs had a meeting while I was asleep it's like we're done reading this close to our face we're gonna I'm in a dark restaurant I gonna put the menu and a selfie stick with a flashlight cousin never saw James Bond pulled he's out in the movie even though it was like 70 and some of those all right Goldfinger I got your plans for nuclear animation come on annihilation there we go can that be cool with these first night I had him I went to my local restaurant I've known the owner for years he's an older guy and he saw me but Amani what hahaha you finally got the magic glasses huh I said we're gonna magic that help me see it he goes oh no those glasses have superpowers said really said yeah when you put them on you become invisible to young women he's not wrong you want to feel the old technology that'll make you feel old it just goes too fast I get a new phone I got an asking 8 year old how it works I don't think all improvements are good though all technology like this this is our my hotel room key this is this is what we get at every hotel now is this is this an improvement over the actual metal key they used to work what 100 percent of the time what do you you check into a new hotel how many swipes on average does it take for you to get in the first time my over-under is about 700 swipes it never works it's always the same scenario I'm exhausted I just want to go to bed been traveling all day as I move finally we're here but red flipping it over rubbing rabbit's foot on it nothing works now you've stuck with your bags in the hallway you gotta go take the death march back down to the lobby to another furious people in line holding their cards what happens when you get up there they flip it on you like you're the bad guy but you're the idiot yeah my keys not working hmm did you swipe it more than once no didn't think of that no I'm a one-and-done kind of guy my car doesn't start on the first try just get out and walk to Poughkeepsie that's how I roll I swipe it more than once yes I swiped at a million times it doesn't work this is my favorite one do you have a phone in your pocket yes it's 21st century we'll have phones in our pockets babies have phones in their diapers we all have a phone you're amazing key can't handle a phone then I thought about it I got this giant phone coz my eyes are going huge screen and now she's telling me there's enough radiation kicking off this thing that screwing up the key card so of course where do I keep it all day every day like a genius right there next to my crouch just you just microwaving my privates all day long idiot probably got two lonely chromosomes left down there wiling away the end of their days watching big-screen movies in my pants I know if all technology's good we try to protect everybody from technology and then we go overboard would protect the kids too much do you know that my niece can't go outside unless it's a playdate I remember my playdates growing up get outside all right this I better learn how to make friends some of the technology is good if it helps you you saved your life you know I had to put in a car seat for her that's three hours of my life I'll never get back I don't remember my dad doing this I try to think about how I grew up and this is no joke me my brother and sister on long car rides used to fold the seat down in a station wagon and play twister at 70 miles an hour just three tangled projectiles ready to rock it through the windshield at any moment my dad's driving with one knee taking a turn it was a right-hand read I got it I got it I got it how are any of us left standing I don't know well the pregnant women in my neighborhood they don't leave the house without a surgical mask on so I guess couldn't hurt but I don't know is that necessary see pictures of your grandmother just eight months pregnant cigarette martini on the back of a motorcycle somehow we survived I don't know thought by this point my life I'd want children and yeah I like it when they're little is just a thought having a teenager that's what scares me some punk with a bad attitude who thinks I'm a nerd I don't need that I'm gonna hand over all my money to someone who doesn't want to be seen with me in public I'll call my agent but they say is a man you can have kids at any age don't wear any age all right yeah but do you want to say Oh Mick Jagger just had a kid at 73 oh well good for Mick I'm sure him and his household staff of 12 will be great parents a little different for the rest of us yeah first of all I don't think Mick even knows he had a kid you just woke up one morning I think I thought I heard a baby in the castle last night yes make that's your new child cool it's no clue don't know if I want to be super old dad then I thought about it maybe it's not so bad probably got a lot in common with a baby for the same amount of hair you both like soft food then you're on the same nap schedule it'll work out so much birth control on the market though this is a birth control patch for women that looks incredibly like the nicotine patch which means if the practical joke possibilities are endless imagine that your buddies trying to quit smoking you switch up his patch on him he thinks he's getting his nicotine dose Riley's gonna daily estrogen hormone cocktail just pump that's good clean fun right there Dave I thought you quit smoking there I'm on the patch I don't think it's working I cry a lot more my chest is swollen and tender I don't get it I don't smoke I try to protect my lungs I had a little scare in Alaska this summer I was working up there and it's beautiful up there just like the nature it's amazing and went on a hike and after about 15 minutes and I was like wheezing and I couldn't get it then I realized it's because I've lived in LA so long my lungs can't handle all the fresh air in the air up there what do you call this oxygen oh man ooh Eddy go suck a tailpipe just to feel normal fired up oh yeah that's the stuff ya know just like home Alaska's a wild place man it's interesting kind of person that moves up there you know who moves to Alaska people who think Idaho is too diverse that's couldn't handle that fast-paced gogo Montana lifestyle anymore I had to had to get away got to have the salmon when you're up there they don't give you a choice they're just jamming it down you're throwing every five minutes have some salmon don't boom don't forget to try some salmon take some home with you have some salmon wait relax I'm not a grizzly back off been here a week I had an 80 different ways grilled fried poached spread on a bagel smoked I mean I smoked it just for something different anything in every restaurant up there pushes it on you're like you can't get it at the next restaurant and the next one after that and our special today is the salmon oh you don't say don't tell me was it the special the last 364 days - did you fly it in special or did you just you know go outside bend over in a puddle and pick one up I tripped over 3 salmon walking in this place it's good but it's not special up here you know it's a special up here at decent burrito get on that I was up in Alaska working I was up in Canada a lot this summer I love Canada it's a beautiful place nicest people in the world I was in the Vancouver Airport I asked the guy Canadian guy to look over my bags while I went to the bathroom came back he had ironed my shirts nicest people why aren't they nice I made my gosh oh that nobody hates them that's why they're so nice around the world that Canadian passport is like a get-out-of-jail-free card I asked the guy why do you put Canadian flags all over everything you own we don't want people to think we're Americans but I get it you know kidnappers will let you go if they find out you're Canadian send a ransom for the American bad news boss turns out he's Canadian what let him go can't kidnap a Canadian we're terrorists we're not animals what's the world gonna say besides what do we get for him loonies Tony's syrup helmets hockey sticks who cares I love going up there Canadians we can be care about curling every four years in the Olympics seen this crazy sport shuffleboard on ice with rocks and brooms what the heck am i watching and yet after ten minutes every time I'm shouting at the TV sweeping sweeping this guy sweeps like my grandmother sport came from Scotland I don't know how bored they were around that ice fishing hole furgus slide with that rocky there's too much snow well get the brooms land [Laughter] [Applause] we gotta send this is a new country had the national dish up in Canada poutine have you had that ah man delicious if you don't know what poutine is think of the last thing your doctor whatever recommend you eat and then pour gravy on it that's what it's just a big pile of french fries with cheese curds and beef gravy yeah if you get the deluxe version they just sprinkle the shredded remains of your cardiologist report right on it this is created and Quebec by descendants of the French the French who created like fine cuisine what happened on that ride over the Atlantic the shipwreck with all the cookbooks on it [Applause] [Laughter] don't think I'll ever stop traveling though although the airlines might beat it out of me we take so much abuse from airlines we couldn't take from any other business oversold flights over so yeah we're just so too many sorry what what other business that transaction would that be cool I want to buy this candy bar okay that's a dollar here's my dollar where's my candy well you know what's the darndest thing we're out [Music] what yeah we just sold to many sorry but I gave you money yes you did thank you very much when do I get my candy well the next Snickers truck comes by in about 4 hours there's any leftover on that one you'll get one of them but until then grab a magazine go sit over there like an idiot for four hours and don't forget to join our frequent idiot program [Applause] security that that's the worst right cuz it's never the same at any Airport it's never consistent in the same day I could go through one airport they'll make me take my shoes off my felt my wallet and give me an MRI in a colonoscopy and the same day I could go through another airport I could be wearing a suit of armor it's like I'm glad all right katroo no consistency toughest one toughest security ever had Israel I don't know if you have a baby you've been there oh man four hours four hours in security ask me all these questions search my bags went through my clothes they took up my phone and looked at the photos on my phone and now that I know they can look through your photos you gotta put one [ __ ] shot of yourself in there just slide it in there with the tourist shots you know right between the Wailing Wall and the Jerusalem you just coming out isn't out of the hotel showers I can't be illegal right picture yourself on your phone I didn't tell you to look at it don't judge me by my screensaver guess if I want a decent relationship I have to stay home at some point I don't know after 20 years of bad relationships I'm starting to think I might be part of the problem now that's just a therapy talking my ex told me I had intimacy issues as if that's any of her business I'm starting to data as I get older I have to date people who already had kids which is a little that's a tough one you can't rush that you can't meet those kids too early yeah I had this one it was like two dates and she already said she had two little boys and she went I'm gonna take the kids to the carnival this weekend you want to go I was like wow no it sounds awful I'm not anti kid but you know who am I to these kids I'm just some guy they don't know me I can't discipline them if they're acting up at the carnival they get down from there you're gonna get hurt you're not my dad you know what you're right go ahead stand up in the tilt-a-whirl I want to see how this goes kind of curious myself to see how this is gonna play out I've dated all types went out with a vegan and that was once I think I couldn't figure out what they could eat or not I couldn't as far as I could tell a vegan could have like chickpeas and cotton that was it and have some hummus and wash it down with a tube sock or something all my friends have kids do you feel left out at parties you know when they're almost everybody's got their phones out showing photos of their kids you know so if you feel left out at those points just do what I do and just show them photos of single-person stuff that they can't do anymore just go this is me sleeping in on the weekend yeah this is me and my white carpet yeah well this is my favorite one this is me leaving a bad relationship and still keeping my house sweet equity it grow so fast [Laughter] keys to find someone with the same sense of humor is you that's an important thing and humor is an effective way to get yourselves out of uncomfortable situations case in point is a true story and there's time to use humor when not to and when you can like say airport security bad time and meeting dates parents for the first time another bad time hence this story I went to this woman's house to pick her up it's our first date and she had just gotten divorced and had to move back in with her parents which happens I don't care whatever but she's running late and he meet her parents and I have to sit in the living room with her parents watching TV you know like prom night it's just really awkward and you know they were nice enough but weird and they're watching TV there's the TV in the room there's a movie on and this is a romantic movie a very romantic movie and this uncomfortable scene comes up with two men yes and it's very tense and weird in the room kind of like now and I'm sitting there and no one knows what to say it's just such a weird vibe and it's just tense and weird and I just thought to myself what better time for a joke they didn't see it that way because it's very weird tense and awkward in the room and these guys are on the TV and I just go wow that's a that takes me back not a good idea folks you guys have been fantastic thank you so much thank you [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,175,197

Rating: 4.8697324 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Mike Siegel, Mike Siegel Dry Bar Comedy, Mike Siegel Comedy, Mike Siegel Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Paid vacation, time off work, dbc, stand up, world travel, travel ban, PTO, vacation days, australia, german

Id: 43Xm4OkHC3M

Length: 35min 7sec (2107 seconds)

Published: Sat May 09 2020