Song Lyrics Are So Stupid. Sid Davis - Full Special

i want to reach out and grab you jenny i miss my hair used to use head and shoulders now he's mopping glow i used to have long hair long rock and roll hair he listened to rock and roll music i thought my music was the most powerful music ever now i listen to it now not so much steve miller band i listen to them all the time yeah listen to them now boy these brilliant lyrics like abra abracadabra i want to reach out and grab you boys sounds like something forrest gump but right for jenny doesn't it i want to reach out and grab you jenny i know what love is my daughter listens this guy named bruno mars he has a betty bruno fans here then you'll know this song's real i said play that song again i want to hear the words song called i would catch a grenade for you this is a love song i would catch a grenade for you that sounds like an isis wedding song to me what's romantic about i would catch a grenade for you it's a in the song i listen to it's about this heartbroken guys telling this girl i would catch a grenade for you cut my hand with a blade for you jump in front of a train for you put a bullet in my brain for you this guy doesn't take rejection well does he grow up be a real man slash your tires and move on [Music] if my daughter brought home a guy said sir i would take a grenade for her i say prove it son and then that would be that but some uh people are romantic more romantic than me you know don't give me those looks i tried it i'm willing to try i tried it with my wife i walked up to her at the kitchen table reading the paper she was i said hey i take a grenade for you didn't even look up from the newspaper now where would we get a grenade [Laughter] and i used to listen to this band called the who mary yeah remember the end of the concert in the 60s pete townsend took a perfectly good guitar and he'd smash it and smash it on stage into pieces and kids cheered they thought it was cool i thought that was stupid but six months ago in my driveway in north carolina i was doing the exact same thing to a weed whacker that wouldn't start and i felt liberated and i have green plastic pieces laying everywhere and the silence is broken by my wife the fourth grade school teacher standing behind me hands on hips does it make you feel good to break something just because it doesn't work yes it does [Music] and then she asked the wife question did it have gas in it i'm not going to answer a stupid question like did it have gas in it because i wasn't sure i said you're not the one out here in the hot sun every saturday morning [Music] and it's not that it won't start it's that it teases you and gives you the impression that it might i'll tell you who i am my name's sid davis i live in charlotte north carolina now but i grew up in a little town in ohio a little church town a little farm town little catholic family that's we always went to church on sunday it was very important to my parents to have faith and my mom she still has faith even at the age that's where you need it the most she's 85 years old i call her every week and sometimes she's comforted by my calls because i was talking to her when hurricane irma was approaching florida and she said son i need you now to pray for me because i'm too old to run i've decided i'm going to stay right here and ride the hurricane out i said mom you live in arizona [Laughter] i'm going to pray for you my dad was a great man he was a perfect father on paper he provided food clothing shelter love spiritual guidance fun never i mowed yards to take my dad to the baseball game in cincinnati bought two tickets me and my dad at the baseball game so excited the field the players the noise i said isn't this crowd exciting my dad goes no look at this crowd let's leave early and beat the traffic and i mean early right after the national anthem you always know people that want to leave early be the traffic on places that was my dad even in church if we leave now we can beat the baptist to the cracker barrel i never left my my son and i went to a ball game that was the most exciting rite of passage to me ever he was two years old we went to the reds game cincinnati i bought him a johnny bench uniform real cute and he enjoyed everything i was soaking it up what a proud moment to be a parent he loved the noise the crowd the hot dogs the vendors i could tell he had a good time because the next morning sunday and sitting in church at a quiet part yells out ice cold beer here and it was a catholic church guys were going like okay over here and he's a little guy he was hidden in the pews nobody could see him i'm looking around like now who said that but my mom i mean my wife oh thank you freud uh [Laughter] my wife gave it away because when something like that happens wives have this look to let you know that you've made a mistake and my wife's look that she gives to me looks like ben franklin on the hundred dollar bill you ever notice how ben looks at you like he's not happy about what you're spending a hundred dollars on [Laughter] my dad was cheap too he's one of these cheap parents never brought brand name anything anybody have to grow up with one of those they go to the everyday grocery stores just one big disappointment you know i want seven up he brings home six across that brand on my mom she wanted a laundry detergent she wanted all he bought a brand name sum christmas too was it i wanted a george foreman grill right i opened up the box i get a tonya harding grill tonya harding now they're making a movie about her they're making her a hero you know what she did what a role model athlete if you figure that she's the original athlete to take a knee [Laughter] [Applause] they buy this cheap stuff for you the brand name stuff and they say it's all the same no it's not i want to i want captain crunch don't bring home colonel munch i used to stay over at a kid's house that i didn't even like just so i could eat a bowl of real fruit loops i work cruise ships now you know i got on the cruise ships and all i could think i see kids on the cruise ships like my dad would never bring us on a cruise he was too cheap if he took us on a cruise he'd find a budget package where we'd all have to clean rooms and make towel animals has anybody been on the cruise ship and see the towel animals they're just adorable giraffes and kitties and little elephants if you ever go on a cruise with your wife don't make the near fatal mistake that i did of using the towel animal as a towel i made that mistake i'm drying off in the bathroom my wife kicks in the door like a swat team are you using that kitty cat as a towel no i look in the floor there are the whiskers these cruise ships uh everybody goes on there a lot of eating goes on in the cruise ships yeah yeah it's not it's not a cruise ship it's kind of like a floating golden corral people in line to eat pizza at two in the afternoon because they haven't eaten since 1 30. they're hungry [Music] is anybody been in the line of the buffet on a cruise ship anywhere why does the buffet line move so slow just put the stuff on your plate and go i'm behind this lady with the tongs and the baked potatoes and she's inspecting every potato like a jeweler inspecting gems like well this potato is good but it's not as brown as i and this potato is bad and then this potatoes are my i'm thinking lady you're picking a potato not a husband and then i got a glimpse at her husband like okay we'll take your time good [Laughter] but there's if you've been on a cruise ship these they have these people that work on there from all over the world and they do their their job is to make sure you have the best vacation ever but when an emergency comes their job is to make sure that they have safety they have they're trained in safety i was on a cruise ship when we saved a man's life he was having these severe chest pains heart problems we airlifted this guy from the ship to a hospital on land and the good news was we saved his life and this is what happened on that cruise ship that afternoon when he saved that man's life the announcement comes on good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain antonio antolini he ever knows it's always an italian guy with a romantic accent wouldn't it be funny if that was just fake and his name was billy bob from paducah kentucky how romantic would it be if it comes up hi all this billy bob up the bridge i don't know what a knot is but we're doing 21 of them no this is a real italian captain he comes on to announce that we're going to do the air lift up on the upper deck bing bing i don't like this as a captain yeah for the next hour is he doing emergencies he lives in the up in the deck does the helicopter heavens his dangerous procedures so fleece the next hour for the city the voices hi this is a cruise driver tell you what the captain just said for the next hour we're going to be doing an emergency airlift from the top deck of this ship we cannot land the helicopter on the top deck it will be a hovering procedure it is very dangerous so please ladies and gentlemen for your safety for the next hour avoid the top deck five minutes later the top deck looked like times square on new year's eve and i knew because i was there too and this was if you've been out at sea i mean it gets windy here but it was so windy here like nachos were blowing off people's plates and it was you know it was very windy and this helicopter had to hover and i was amazed how this coast guard helicopter held that helicopter steady in that wicked wind and then a line comes down with the stretcher and it starts whipping like this this this if i'm the guy they're lowering it for i'm saying i'm feeling a lot better now this is gas it's not chest pains go away and people from all over the world come on these cruise ships these from other countries you know what they're most amazed at not the size of the boat not of the places they go they're fascinated with these marine toilets the ones that go have you seen these on an airplane they're marine they require special toilet paper have anybody know what i'm talking about this toilet paper yes it ain't cottonell i'll tell you this it's the brand my dad would buy if you're a handyman take a roll at home that's 80 grit sandpaper and i am immature i look at things like i was a kid i see these toilets and i'm thinking i wish they had one of those in my house when i was a kid that'd be the most rocking goldfish funeral ever anybody here have the goldfish funeral on the toilet yeah my daughter had a little goldfish named nemo after the movie daddy nemo's floating on top and i go well bring nemo in bring your mom in we'll have a goldfish funeral we sit there said a couple words shook nemo in there put the handle water starts moving and nemo starts swimming again so you're like that guy on the ship like hey i'm feeling a lot better now my daughter's like save him daddy saving mike no there'll be no finding nemo have two kids i've been married to a wonderful woman our marriage works because i come from an awesome family and she comes from a family ah they're great too i'll tell you more about them but we have two children very proud of them i think i i i'm glad i hope i didn't pass along my 80d with them i don't know i think there's i don't have the spider monkey atd i have the don't think things through 80d i don't know if you hannah you have kids like that they they think outside the box that's what you do because you know at a mexican restaurant when the fajitas come and those iron skillets and they're going the way it just goes don't touch that skillet it's hot well now i need to know how hot it is who here touched the skillet everybody touches the skillet it's bust with add we're different than you because most of you touch the skull go wow wow i know not to touch the skillet again some of us touch the skillet go wow wow let's see if it happens with the other fingers i saw add when i worked at the airport i was a baggage cl handler a baggage handler and i worked at baggage claim and kids can't stand still in the airport now i'm on if you've said ben an airport baggage claim uh you stand outside a wall your suitcases come out on this rubber belt through these big rubber flappy things and it goes around it comes back through the rubber flappy things and goes around and around till you pick them up i was that guy behind that belt who's throwing it placing your suitcases [Music] on the belt this is just another day you can hear people outside and round and round suitcase suitcase round and round you can hear kids playing kids yelling suddenly yelling gets louder and all of a sudden i hear the three-year-old boy comes through the flappy things on my side of the wall he was playing on the belt his shoestring got pinched and now he's coming he's on my side of the wall and this is not in my baggage handler's training manual he's coming at me screaming like i don't know what to do so here's the quick judgment i have i said i'll just let him just go all around with the other suitcases and go back out i didn't see this but i panicked because i heard his mom on the other side of the flappy things you cry too it's like remind me a scene from willy wonka and the chocolate factory right this kid doesn't listen and he's gone [Laughter] so you're screaming here here's screaming here i just wanted to stop so i made a decision i grabbed the kid's leg i pulled it out of the stuck shoe and i put it this made him worse this could this is no whiny mommy i want candy crying this is the real deal you have to use some compassion with this young man you can't yell at him i said quiet quiet you see all these suitcases those are all full of kids that wouldn't stop crying [Laughter] oh he was quiet right away silence just in time for that empty tennis shoe to go back out to the flappy things hurt his mom [Applause] because that poor woman saw a whole child coming this side she heard screaming stopped abruptly and then just a little piece comes out over here so there's a noise here this woman on there said oh my baby he's gone he's gone i hear laughing here chuckling this case fun i hear my mommy crying i said do you think this is funny well give me the other shoe kid let's have some fun here i know if you have 80d here's one thing you can't play jokes on people because your mind doesn't think about point b two weeks before christmas i'm walking in the orlando airport busy airport i see paper money laying on the ground that's exciting so i picked it but you got to do the right thing with paper money i mean it could have been any you got to make sure somebody in the immediate area may have just dropped it so i did the right thing i lift it up i said does this belong to anybody okay now i'm excited because it's mine i unfold it and i see it's a 500 bill from jamaica i'm still excited till i go to currency exchange and find out it's worth a dollar 73 cents american minus a five dollar service fee it's worth nothing i was so excited now i'm so depressed has anybody ever got something you thought was worth something to find out it's not worth anything i got a gift certificate once to whole foods for a hundred dollars which is enough to make a down payment on a grape at whole foods food's so expensive there why because it's organic have you ever seen the chickens with no steroids they look like a parakeet from a third world country nine dollars a pound no thank you i go to walmart the chickens look like they're on the cover of muscle and fitness speaking of gift certificates this is interesting i'm in good will i wanted to buy a green neon roadside vest in case i had a flat tire wanted people to notice me on the side of the road thought i got a good deal on a green neon roadside vest for a dollar till i got it home my wife said she even look at the back the big letters that say inmate [Laughter] yeah then i was leaving goodwill they had a sign up there that proudly said goodwill now offers gift certificates now wouldn't that be a warm fuzzy feeling when you're receiving a gift from someone and you open that envelope and see that you meant so much to them that you're worthy of 25 with the stuff that some other people didn't want we found a new form of re-gifting well it's my turn to give you a gift anyway i got the subject i'm staying in the airport with this jamaican 500 bill i've been duped but i'm the only one that knows about it if i were a mature person i'd let it go but no i thought if it fooled me you could fool someone else let's pay the mood swing forward so i eat at chili's chilis i get nachos ten dollars i give this nice young girl looked to be in her mid-20s i gave her the ten dollars five dollar tip i just wanted to see her reaction to the jamaican 500 dollar bill she looks at me eyes get wide looks at the bills goes i don't know who you are why you did this but i have a baby daughter who i need to take to the doctor this afternoon and i didn't have the hundred dollar copay and this morning i got on my knees and i prayed for a miracle and i guess you sir are the miracle that god has sent me today [Laughter] she goes i can't find the words to thank you well you could tell me where an atm machine is but anybody in this room left it like that just who who said yes get away he's gonna be struck by lightning you can't leave this i dug this hole i gotta dig myself out i go i should be happy helping a young woman out but no i'm saying bad words at the atm machine just i get a hundred dollars here's where i don't think things through she doesn't know that you're making 500 dollar bills not worth anything i'd like i like the hundred dollars on there she starts crying more she goes why you're why are you doing this you're saying thank you now i can afford to buy my other baby's christmas presents now i'm like all right i'll be right back i gotta so if you want to know what the going price for a jerk is it's 215 dollars i was excited you ever get excited and realize you shouldn't be excited like i was on the airplane getting ready to fly out here i'm sitting in like row eight and i look in first class do a double take like that's tom hanks i had to look and make sure like that's tom hanks on our airplane and i'm excited until i thought i've seen sully castaway and apollo 13. every time every time he gets on something that flies nothing good happens like get off my plane tom hanks i met my wife i'm happy i've been married 32 years i'm going to stay with her and you know if you if you're dating at my age right i have a friend poor guy lost his wife he's on the dating scene again came to me for advice he said uh hey on mymatch.com profile should i put that i sleep with a cpap machine i said no i'd spray that on her on your honeymoon first night she'll roll over the middle and like i married darth vader if i was a woman i'd want to live with a guy that slept with a cpap machine because on one of those days your husband he's being a jerk being a real jerk all day i bide my time in the middle of the night i'd unplug that thing plug it back in like i was concerned you okay and now it's hard to breathe that machine doesn't work right no i'm married i want to stay married i had my anniversary last october i took my bride out to one of those restaurants where they make the food there right in front of you subway i'm not cheap i'm in a financial crisis i have a daughter in college majoring in student loans 3.8 is that a good grade point average that's my credit score now 3.8 and after six years of college with no diploma in sight she came to me and said daddy i don't think college is for me and i said why are you telling me this now she goes cause i got this letter from the college it says we don't think college is for you these are your kids this is your family gotta stick by em we went to a family crisis meeting to her favorite restaurant which is chinese and kids can be cruel we don't teach them this she gets a fortune cookie and says says here i'm going to be reincarnated as a fish swimming in a school and her brother goes you'll get thrown out of that school too you apologize to your sister and then you write that down that's going in the special every family's got one kid that cost ten times as much as the others combined that was my daughter i love her to pieces she came out of the womb a nine pound bundle of bouncing bankruptcy but you still have to love them you still love them then you got to protect them because she came home one time with this guy never met before she goes daddy this is brad he's the one we're in love we're going to get married i said you just met this guy you need to know somebody here before you get married because it's like there's chemicals that go off in your head that skew your perception in reality about that person a lot of you know a year later you realize all your friends were right every lifetime movie's about this if you notice this he's kind and wonderful he makes me laugh don't judge him because all three of his ex-wives are missing so now i have to be a daddy i said young lady i don't know i don't know listen first of all i love you with all my heart soul you've cost me a lot of money that doesn't matter right now i'm your dad i'm your protector and you need to know this guy year before you get married a year is the absolute minimum he's rich a year is only a guideline i'm a daddy some of you are daddies are little girls too some of you will be they'll be that time you got to be the protector went up this guy said son you want my daughter's hand in marriage there's thing called a daddy bar that daddy bar steadfast if you want my daughter in matrimony you understand what i'm saying i guess sir i'd be happy to pay your student loan debts off like well that bar's been met son you get in here sit in my chair there's the remote what you want on tv right there that was like a car salesman what can i do to get you to drive her off the law today i waited here to ask my lovely bride to marry me but when i was dating her i got pressure from her mother you two need to get married that's the way my mother-in-law talked cause she's from west virginia she started smoking in kindergarten you know these people take puffs so big one eye crosses would [Music] there's any message not to smoke this woman was the poster child let's come over to our house we don't smoke in our house we made her go outside to smoke even on one of those days like it gets here where they come on the news like it's too cold outside bring your pets in bring your pets in for their safety she'd be out there like smoking everywhere she she came home she came to one time she i need to go to the hospital i'm having chest pains call 9-1-1 now call a taxi they won't let me smoke in the amulets my mother-in-law rest her soul she made my wife's life miserable my life miserable she made everybody around her miserable rest your soul but here's how the chemicals going off in my head where this beautiful woman that will become my bride i didn't make the biological connection that that woman was related to that woman didn't hit me till one day my wife took a drink of water i think that went down the wrong way [Applause] but it worked i asked by this lovely girl to marry me i've never been sorry i tried to be romantic you know you got to be romantic don't listen to other people let it come from your own heart my wife tried to be romantic with me listening to dr phil had a show on how to excite your man said when he goes on a trip let him know when he returns you'll rock his world let him know that none in no uncertain terms this is just not my wife she only gets like that when she's angry so i get in my car at four in the morning at the airport there's a post-it note that says in her handwriting when you get home when i'm done with you you'll have nothing left i said oh my she's called an attorney this is serious here i thought things were going good being romantic is tricky it's like i like cuddling after being romantic that's the best but when it's time to go to sleep i don't want to be touching anybody i'm not the only person in this room that doesn't want to touch the other person while i sleep where are you at where's my anti-spammers at yes don't tell me it has anything to do it has nothing to do with love i love this i love with all my heart and soul just stay on your side of the bed that's all i ask come over and visit every now and then go back here's a problem i have you might have it too i don't like to sleep touching anybody but my wife is a habitual snuggler cuddler i'll wake up in the middle of the night she has snuck over to my side of the bed her head's been on my arm for five hours cutting the circulation off i'm numb i hear somebody in the house go see who it is oh yeah igor's gonna go get through all right [Laughter] i said i love you with all my heart and soul but if i had my way i'd build a fence right down the middle this bit i could wire on it that's she goes oh really yeah i'm gonna build a wall here and then i'm gonna make you pay for it there [Music] we got married on newlyweds that's great i was 22 years old hot shot i was in a meeting my boss said this cliche that i hate he goes there's no eye in team and i mumble there's an eye an idiot found out there's an eye and fired i'm not bitter but a year later that guy that fired me went to prison because there's an eye on irs i wish that was aries first day in prison he tells his cellmate there's no eye in team yeah you're going to find out there's an eye infirmary but here i am 22 years old it's the end of the world to me i'm driving home tears in my eyes all i want to do is go home and lay my head on my little pillar of strength that i married just have her listen to me that's all i wanted this is what i get when i walk in the door i've had a bad day my day's worse i bet it's not i bet it is it's like you ever get with someone all you want to do is tell them that you don't want to play a game of my days worse than you poker like you want to play my days worse than your partner i bet i have a good hand i'm fired i'm pregnant i fold that's how my family started first to two children unexpected like that and we have another child right after that that's the second child if you have kids you get that question my wife's holding the baby she's like looks good can we have a family with as many kids as we can afford oh mathematically that one has to go back because i didn't have any health insurance when the first child is born that's scary you go to the hospital they take her back the delivery room i face the lady at the admissions desk doing the paperwork just look insurance like insurance he goes you left insurance blank normally we get paid through an insurance agency oh i'm going to pay it through a collection agency in that delivery room that is so intense it's awful your woman's in all this agonizing pain you can't do anything about it dilations and contractions suddenly my wife's nurse says to me she's at nine centimeters i don't know the metric system then the miracle of birth happens that you know doctors they have jokes to calm the men down we don't know this because it's so intense we're not going to be calmed down by stupid jokes another contraction comes he says this is a big baby coming we might have to pull this out with a tow truck okay can we do that because i have aaa then the miracle of birth what a feeling hope oh i'm holding my newborn son in my arms a tear rolls down my cheek and the nurse said that's life telling you you're a father i almost said better life than maury povich but i didn't but i cried the day my son was born i'm not ashamed of that his mom cried the day he left home and we both cried the day he moved back in [Laughter] a lot of you have kids you have people with no kids give you advice like you need to cut the card well we have cut the cord it's like a lizard's tail it just comes back i don't want to rag on my son i love him and he's a very smart kid on a paper student one night in high school he took my car out on ride with three of his gifted buddies [Music] if you're a parent you know there's no good news coming in a phone call that starts out dad first off let's be thankful that everybody's okay it's the middle of the night it's dark i can't see the alarm clock i need to know what time it is so i rub my wife's leg oh please it's 2 30 in the morning thank you young women are amazing these women are amazing how do you know what time it is in a second without lifting your heads [Laughter] this is how they say no let's just build into them how they say no guys if you want to have some fun rub her leg again she'll tell you tomorrow's schedule i get up at five o'clock 5 15 i'm walking off 5 30 i'm making breakfast 5 45 i'm off to school okay go back to sleep rain man i got this local man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now and the lady they sent them to the bank should be going mom mom [Music]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 588,619

Rating: 4.8787971 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Sid Davis, Sid Davis Dry Bar Comedy, Sid Davis Comedy, Sid Davis Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Song Lyrics, Misheard Lyrics, Stupid Song Lyrics, abra cadabra, dbc, stand up, funny, comedy

Id: bCd6-efrC2M

Length: 38min 52sec (2332 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 08 2021