After 50 You Just Stop Caring. Karen Morgan - Full Special

she was just getting through her three-hour grueling shift at target so i graduated from college in 1986 from the university of georgia and if you do the quick math that makes me 55 years old and i love being over 50. there's something magical about particularly as a woman about being over 50s i just don't care what people think anymore and it's very freeing it's really fun and it happened in target in south portland maine right after my 50th birthday it was february it was snowing and in maine probably like here it snows and they give you these towels at target to wipe out the snow out of the shopping carts they come in from the parking lot this particular day i got there and they were all the shopping carts were wet but there were no towels but there was this little millennial girl at the door and she was the target greeter that day and her name was amanda and she was just getting through her three-hour grueling shift at target and i said amanda where are those towels these shopping carts so wet she goes uh they're still wet from last night i said it's two o'clock in the afternoon she goes i know it's almost time for my break well how am i supposed to shop these are wet she said well you could just take it in the bathroom and wipe it out with a paper towel done and i thought you know my 30 year old self would have gone in the bathroom and wiped it out with a paper towel my 40 year old self would have called amanda's manager over and we would have had a discussion about customer service and how bad amanda sucked at it [Music] but my 50 year old self just took my shopping cart directly to the first clothing section that i came to and i just lined it with little boys t-shirts and soaked up all the water in there and then i shot for an hour and a half then i got to the checkout line i paid for the things that i wanted i got down with those shirts i said you know what i've decided i don't want these they're wet [Music] maybe amanda can wipe them out on her little break i'm 50. so as i have gotten older i've noticed that my magazine subscriptions have changed i don't get people magazine anymore because i don't know any of the people and people who are these people i don't care i stopped getting cosmo a long time ago because they had those little quizzes in there what's your love making style i don't know i'm 55 i got three kids i got two jobs here's my love making style you want to do what like right now i have so much to do [Applause] i have a list you're not on it sorry all right there's that magazine called real simple and everything in it is just real hard create your own cactus garden no make your bathroom a sanctuary have you seen my bathroom no now my favorite magazine right now is called garden and gun and it is a real magazine for middle-aged southern women who like to pull weeds and contemplate who we want to shoot right in the head [Music] and it's true middle-aged women want to shoot at least five people in the head every day we do but we don't do it because that's wrong that's murder so what do we do if somebody makes us mad we call up our friends and we go fellowship and we have our walk-in groups you'll see you will see middle-aged women walking together and we are walking and talking and walking and talking and we are getting all that out of every day and my husband's like why don't you just go for a run by yourself i'm like i can't we are saving lives [Applause] this is why serial killers are always men they don't have a walking group to go to they have all this anger and frustration it just comes out as murder we prevented three murders this morning in our walking group one of them was yours [Applause] this is my first time to utah i'm so happy to be here i live in maine uh but i grew up in georgia my go dogs go dogs my husband's from boston so our kids are bilingual we're very proud i'm so proud of that my husband and i just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary 24 years he's awesome after 24 years you'd think there wouldn't be any surprises but he called me up and he said hey i got something i need to tell you i've been thinking about this you might want to sit down i've decided to become a vegan and i'm a supportive wife so i said honey that sounds terrible are you sure and he said yes and he's doing it he gets up every morning at six a.m he puts he puts fruits and vegetables in a very loud blender and then he tries to make me drink it i made this one with kale and wheat grass and almond milk try it i'm like no don't you want to be healthy no no i want bacon [Applause] and eggs and sausage and cheese and hamburgers and hot dogs and happiness i want to eat all the parts of all the farm animals he said but i made this with almond milk it's really good it tastes like a milkshake no it does not it tastes like grass clippings it does not taste like a milkshake no and just because you put the word milk after the word almond doesn't make it milk and the dairy farmers are very upset about this the dairy farmers want us to call almond milk what it really is nut juice [Applause] it was on the news it was on the news oh i'd like a really tall cold glass of nut juice i'd like to dip my oreo cookies in nut juice ew so my husband and i share a closet i don't recommend this for any new couples out there don't do it it was a bad idea but we're stuck with it i've been trying to clean out this closet for the past eight months using the marie condo decluttering method i see some of you know it if you don't know it congratulations you're supposed to put all your clothes on the bed and then you're supposed to go through each piece one at a time and then if you if you ask the magic question does this spark joy if the answer is yes you keep it if the answer is no then you take it to goodwill now sadly the marie kondo decluttering method only works on things not people [Applause] or else there'll be a lot of teenagers dropped off at the goodwill so i got through my clothes and i told him i'd help him with his so we got through one shirt of his i held it up and he said you want me to ask that shirt what does that shirt spark joy what does that even mean does it mean do i like it i don't know you bought it do you think this shirt sparks joy for me [Applause] i didn't even know this shirt was in this closet this may not even be my shirt are you having an affair didn't go well so the only person having an affair in our house is our dog who thinks he's having an affair with me because my husband won't let the dog sleep in the bed with us and when my husband goes out of town i let the dog sleep with me he's hairy he snores it's just like having my husband there [Applause] but when my husband comes home the dog knows he's done wrong and he's broken the rules so he will not make eye contact with my husband he just looks at the floor i'm sorry i'm sorry i slept with your wife i am so sorry [Applause] there is another cleaning method that they do in sweden it's called swedish death cleaning this is a real thing the premise behind swedish death cleaning is you're supposed to get rid of all your clutter before you die so that you don't burden your loved ones with all your stuff right well i'm not doing it i have cleaned up after these people way too long no no right before i die i'm gonna buy a giant warehouse and i'm going to fill it with dirty laundry [Music] just stinky socks and wet towels and wadded up underwear and then i'm gonna hide all my cash money in the dirty laundry so they have to go through all the laundry to find the cash money and then i'm going to occasionally just stick a note in there that says see haha in this fun [Music] you should have picked up your socks don't do it oh my gosh so um i had to get a passport photo made recently because i renew my passport did you know they do them at walgreens who knew i went in there and i told the guy behind the counter i'm like hey i need to get my passport photo made and he said okay like he was not happy he just took the job to sell toothpaste and they're making him run the sears portrait studio so we walked over and he pulls down this screen he says stand here and he pulls the screen down gets at his camera and he started to count one two three and then i did what i've done my whole life if somebody holds up a camera and counts i smiled and he said no no you can't smile it's a passport photo it has to be a neutral expression i said hey i'm a smiley person this is my neutral see i'm happy i'm sad [Applause] i'm terrified i hate you i'm a southern woman they are all the same so he said no no you can't show your teeth i'm like hey i wore a headgear at junior high school for four years i'm showing my teeth in this passport photo because i said this little rule list there it was it said hey can't wear a hat can't close your eyes and you can't have a toothy smile i'm like okay we'll try again so i stood over there and he got his camera out and he started to count one two and then i opened my eyes real big and then i smiled real big and when he got to three i just covered up my teeth like this now this is my passport photo [Applause] when i go to the airport and i go through tsa they're like ms morgan are you under the influence of any drugs or medications like yes i am i got them at walgreens i have three children i have two sons and one daughter and they say as teenagers that girls are a little harder to parent than boys and i think i see someone clapping yes so many people in agreement and i think i think it's true because i think girls are just adult women in training right they have all the raw ingredients of adult women disdain spite revenge great intelligence a few irrational thoughts you but they haven't yet learned how to use their evil powers for good yet right [Applause] so as teenagers you're just like those windsock people in front of the furniture store they go up they go down you don't know when or why just they look almost human but they're not now the boys i will tell you are a little more too fun to hang out with at teenage as teenagers but they smell there's just a funk and i don't know why because they shower a lot for extended periods of time [Music] they should be clean is all i'm saying and i don't know if you know this about teenagers brains i didn't know this until i had three of them there are frontal lobes of their brains have not finished forming together okay so their brains are actually in their skull just floating around in there just flopping around so what you get particularly with the boy teenagers is you get a good choice a good choice a good choice and then a doofus and then a good choice and then a doofus and if you get two doofus choices in a row your insurance premiums go up [Applause] my uh my oldest actually my youngest dude because i'll start with him my youngest doofus is a doomsday prepper apparently i've let him watch too many episodes of the walking dead because he's filling our basement with survival supplies at first i made fun of him and i thought oh what if the zombies really come our family's survival depends on the choices of this 17 year old boy so we're just gonna be in a basement in cumberland maine surviving off of flaming hot cheetos blue mountain dew and reading a lot of victoria's secret catalogs [Applause] my oldest doofus is a junior in college and when i dropped him off at his freshman year i took him to get his dorm room supplies before i dropped him off and we went to bed bath and beyond he had never been to bed bath beyond apparently he thought the sheets and towels just came with our house so we went in there and we had this list of dorm room things he needed the first thing he needed was extra long twin sheets i'm like okay they got gray white or pink he said i want white i said you're getting gray we're just going to start off with the color they're going to end up at the end of the school year put him in the buggy and then he says to me wait what's the thread count on those and i said do you even know what thread count means he said yeah no but the highest is the best right i'm like okay these are dorm room sheets they're not the best they're the worst if the thread count is 12 you're lucky but it doesn't matter because these sheets aren't coming back to my house don't want to see these sheets ever again i don't want to know what happens on these sheets for the next nine months and i don't want to see them again it doesn't matter what the thread count is at the bottom of the garbage dumpster put them in there so the next thing we needed was a pillow i said go get yourself a pillow so he goes in he goes through all these pillows at bed bath and beyond he picks one out he goes i want this one it's made of organic bamboo fronds and baby gosling feathers it's only two hundred dollars i selected a different pillow [Music] so you see this one it's made from polyester it's only six dollars and when you puke red hunch punch up all over it it will be a lot less sad at the bottom of the garbage dumpster [Music] now my daughter is a freshman in college this year which means it's very different to go shopping for dorm room stuff for girls than boys now my son left he had the one pillow the set of disposable sheets and a towel that he like grabbed out of the dirty clothes on the way out the door my daughter furnished a luxury penthouse condominium we had coordinated bedding and original artwork and mood lighting and everything had to be just right so we went to three different stores to get the marker board that goes outside their dorm room so she and her roommate could write notes to each other i said honey you're in a co-ed dorm it doesn't matter how cute this marker board is some boy is going to draw lewd pictures on it doesn't matter and then she wanted the husband pillow she had to have the husband pillow i said honey we all think we want the husband pillow and then we get the husband pillow we realize it takes up way too much space in the bed and it just sits there in front of the television [Applause] so between my three kids i think i've been on about 836 college tours and after 836 college tours you realize they're kind of all the same you get the very perky tour guide hey my name is paisley i'm a junior majoring in marketing and communications with a minor in women's studies and biophysics today during the tour i will be walking backwards and this is so that i can maintain eye contact with you and so that you will be nervous for the next two hours our first stop on the tour today is the dining hall our dining hall has gluten free dairy free allergy free nut free vegan vegetarian and chicken fingers our next stop is the library now the library you'll notice is the bottom floor is where you can study and talk with your friends but each level of the library gets quieter and quieter there's no talking on the top level of the library i'm not allowed on the top level of the library our last stop is going to be a dorm room now today we're just going to show you a sample dorm room so that you will see what a dorm room would look like if it did not have real college students living in it [Applause] we were going to show you a real dorm room but someone puked red hunch punch up all over it um i also i like to ride bikes my husband bought me a bicycle last year for my birthday he's a really sweet guy he said go to the bike store just pick out whichever one you want and that i'll buy that for your birthday so i went to the bike store walked in there this very nice young man named curtis waited on me he's maybe 22 maybe 23 years old young guy he said okay try out your bike go in the parking lot if you like it come back and tell me so i rode this bike in the parking lot came in i said curtis i like this bike i want to buy this bike but i don't like this bicycle seat it hurts me and he said oh not a problem we can change out the seat so he runs to the back room and he comes back with another seat another really uncomfortable looking seat that looks just like the one i just got off of except this one has a groove down the middle very narrow groove and he said see this one's for girls i said yes curtis this one's for girls young virtuous girls i'm neither young nor virtuous i've created three human beings inside my body and i've pushed them out of the part of my body that's going to be sitting on this bicycle seat [Applause] so what i'm going to need you to do for me curtis is get me some wide seats preferably with some sort of soothing gel insert because this part of my body needs a vacation curtis and curtis turned bright red and ran away and he came back with the owner of the store who was a guy like my age and the guy says to me curtis says you have a question it's like yes i have a question i like this bike i want to buy this bike i don't like this bicycle seat it hurts me can i get another one he said how many kids do you have [Applause] and i said three he said i'll be right back comes back with the holy grail the big soft bicycle seat with a soothing gel insert he said here i think you'll like this seat my wife barbara has this seat i think she's in your walking group it's free it's free take it it's free so i also swim i go to the y to swim and there's a lady that comes to my wives very very inspirational she's in her mid-80s but she swims every day but she's one of those people who comes in the wild locker room who does not think she needs a towel and i just think everybody needs a towel you know they're not heavy get a towel so she came in there and she not too long ago she got her shower came in the locker room no towel we're all in there and she goes over to her locker and she puts on her bra and then she puts on her turtleneck sweater that's got little trees on it and then she puts a big turtleneck sweater on top of that cable net and so from the waist up she's completely dressed and from the waist down nothing and then with a room full of women she turned her back and bent over [Music] to her clothing bag this yellow bean tote bag and she's rummaging and rummaging for what we all hoped would be her underpants and she's rummaging rummaging rummaging and we're looking everywhere except in her direction [Music] and finally she said i know i had panty zone when i came here because i went to the grocery store first which makes me love her even more because she's an active senior she's inspirational and she's a lady and she knows that ladies do not go to the grocery store commando i'll leave you guys with this again a reason that my my husband i've been married for 24 years he's a great guy really is um he's helpful when i'm driving he likes to read the speed limit signs and a couple years ago i signed up for a it's a race swimming race in the ocean and you you swim from peaks island maine over to the mainland of portland maine so you're in the ocean for like two and a half miles and they you have to have a kayaker go with you i guess in case a shark attacks you they're there to pick up the body parts i'm not really sure so i said to my husband hey i'm gonna sign up for this race will you please be my kayaker he said of course i just have one question can i fish while i'm doing it [Music] and i said yes i'm karen morgan thank you all so much [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,402,198

Rating: 4.8226752 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Karen Morgan, Karen Morgan Dry Bar Comedy, Karen Morgan Comedy, Karen Morgan Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, dbc, stand up, 50 and over, after 50, target, college tour, Georgia Bulldogs, maine, female comedian

Id: cb5Blpsx58M

Length: 25min 52sec (1552 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 09 2020