Most Absurd Parenting Method. Jamie Lissow - Full Special

but I feel like with my method he'll still have like a face with skin I'm having a weird week the other day I noticed if you watch all the Star Wars movies back to back in order and really pay close attention you're a friggin loser [Applause] yeah um some of these are gonna be they're going to be jokes that's not one of them so I actually live in Alaska everybody that's where I live and uh then we'll ask you somebody heard of it um and uh my family's freezing right now because I took took the fireplace um what a jerk this guy is left his family they should have just got one from here ah I do live in Alaska and you probably know a lot about comedy if you've been to comedy shows before and you probably know the best comedians in the world you know they live in New York City right they live in Los Angeles and um I live in Alaska because I don't like uh competition yeah you guys I am killing it up there man it's ridiculous I'm not trying to brag but it's like me and a moose that makes faces like that's all there is like I'm owning it like I don't know if they told you guys but right now you guys are watching the number one ranked comedian in Fairbanks Alaska right now [Applause] there's a reason people live in in weird places and I live there because I met a girl you know that happens sometimes and I was performing at this uh Comedy Club up there and it was a weird club like there was no fireplace and um we just did it anyway and so we went up there and I met the owner of the barn he was like a real Alaskan guy you know like tough like like a beard and a lot of people in Alaska they were like a hatchet like on their belt I don't know if I'm into Alaska but when you're there sometimes trees will just come right out at you they'll just come attack you saw people wear the hatch you don't want that in the pocket that'll take too much time um if the tree wants you you know and uh so he was like a tough looking guy I was already intimidated by him then he started talking to this really really attractive girl you know and then she walked away and I go up to the owner and I go hey man who is that and he goes that's my daughter and I go cool cool I was I was just asking who everybody was and um yeah I'm not trying to get with anybody this is just how I talk before the show I'm warming up my voice please don't kill me with a hatchet she's much tougher than I am because she grew up in Alaska you know and I'm not like a tough guy like even our parenting styles are different like I'm more like I worry a lot like I'm an over Warrior and um she's more like let the kid make a mistake and then they'll never do it again you know that type of parent did you support that type of parent well like the other day um there was a Boiling Pot of water on the stove and my three-year-old toddler started walking towards the water and I freaked out I was like dude stop right there hot water no and my wife goes hey let them touch it if he touches it he'll never do it again and I go yeah I don't uh disagree with you I think you're probably right that if he touches boiling water uh he'll never do it again but I feel like with my method he'll still have like a face with skin I'm sure you're right I'm not trying to argue with you I'm sure you're right I think the nub will be a reminder to him to not touch boiling water we're both right I'm just throwing out other ideas because I had trouble with girls you know and I had an intact face and so just trying to help on our boy you know my wife's like pretty nuts though she'd be like let him drown he'll never do it again you know what I'm gonna save him I'm gonna get him out of there because I'd rather have three children than just two really well behaved children again I'm sure you're right he probably won't drowned again he's so much tougher than me sometimes I think she purposely tries to scare me like she took me hiking and um as we were hiking on all the trees there were signs that said while you're hiking you should clap does anybody know why you're supposed to clap when you're that's exactly right bears are there bears here do you guys have bears do you so what that guy clap like he knows one a bear in my yard I own a bear it's like wow I have a whole circus what type of bears you guys got here what do you got black bears mostly okay because I don't know I gotta learn at some point the difference between you know there's a certain bear when you see it you're supposed to act all tall and scary and then there's like another bear where if you see you're supposed to pretend you're dead and I just always forget to Google it um because wouldn't that be like so embarrassing if like you're up to a bed you're like oh my God a bear and you're like and the Bear's like wrong bear dude I'm gonna kill you you're like oh and then he's like you can't play dead now you're just yelling at me pretending you were bigger than me I'm not stupid I'm not like that other bear I don't know which one's which but yes we were hiking it said you should you were exactly right you should clap to let the Bears know you're coming because I don't know if you guys know like a lot about bears I just happen to know like a little bit about him just because like from live in Alaska but basically Bears they'll be like in the woods just like hanging out you know and they'll be like oh man what do you want to do what should we do today and the other bear is like dude let's kill somebody let's attack some people he's like yeah let's totally do let's let's attack the next people they come around the corner and then people come around the corner and they hear the Clapping they're like oh but it sounds like they're having such a good time let's not ruin I mean would that just happened such that they're clapping and I let's wait for a crowd of booing people and then we'll attack the booze because I don't want to interrupt that just sounds like so much fun if you want to have a sign that says if you know clap so the Bears know you're coming that's important but I think they should have another sign below that one that says if you do see a bear attacking someone at that point you you should stop clapping do you know because the bear is going to think you're cheering him on that's what's going to happen he's gonna be like you like this I wasn't even gonna attack that other guy but I'm gonna do it I wasn't even gonna but I'm getting an Applause break over here we Alaska is a weird place we get um sometimes of the year it will be only one hour of daylight for the entire day and some people don't like that and I go dude that's my favorite it's my favorite time of the year I just feel so like productive you know I'm like man what I do today I did stuff all day today yeah from sun up to sundown yeah I was working till the wee hours of the afternoon all day today just doing it getting stuff done so I live in Alaska now but I am from New York originally and uh New York was a little too expensive for me I lived in New York City and um I had to live in a studio apartment which I don't know if everybody here knows what a studio apartment is basically it's where you live in one room and you pretend like that's freaking okay you live in a room uh my friend came over once he was like dude I heard you a new apartment in the city I thought maybe you could show me around the place which uh I don't know if you guys ever have ever given a tour of a studio apartment but it always sort of goes the same way you know you're like okay right here we have the and they just start crying because your life is crap that's how the tour ends you know crying because you're 40 and your bed is next to your stove let me tell you something if you can cook pancakes from bed you have made some bad decisions you've made a series of bad mistakes not just one my friend was trying to help he was like dude why don't you put up a mirror on the wall and then it will make it look like it's bigger which is not a bad idea and so I actually tried it I put up a giant mirror on the wall right and then it just looked like there were two guys living in crappy apartments right next to each other two losers in matching outfits I'm like oh my God that guy's lying on the floor and crying too how about that so New York is I don't even know if I was smart enough to live in New York so I remember this one time I tried to do the New York Times crossword puzzle which I don't know if you ever tried that oh my goodness man sometimes I didn't even have to read the entire clue to figure out I wasn't gonna get it [Music] foreign like I don't even need all the words you know I was like what Portuguese I don't know I don't know one Portuguese thing seriously I wouldn't be able to get this one if you let me write the rest of the question please I'm telling you the truth I got nothing so I went to college in New York do we have any do we have any college students here tonight by round of applause you guys out there look at you guys will somebody yell right out what school you go to how about in the middle there yell right out [Applause] Andre I like how you didn't even get the full words you're just like here's some letters why don't you figure it out BYU once you Google it stranger no I understand you're probably like in a hurry so you can only just have time for just the first letters they keep them real busy over there at that place uh and what in a last question what are you studying over there at BYU Actuarial science yeah Actuarial science which I would recommend just calling it as yeah just to save time just like you know that's what you're doing before um that's a great that's a great major of course with that you become you say I don't want to both say at the same same exact time an actuary you actuary become an actuary foreign I'm so confused no that's a good word that's an awesome I still don't know what it is [Music] he's told me a lot of information I'm no closer to knowing what actually it actually is well no some with math right is it math in there yeah there is good that's good you like math okay good because that'd be weird if you were in math and everything you're like ah more numbers I hate math why did I do this whole thing ah a lot of people don't like math and I think I know um when it happens is when you're in school and all of a sudden it's stop being applicable to regular life isn't that kind of like remember adding and subtracting nobody hated that because it's useful in regular life with regular everyday problems you know like say there's 13 of us right we have a 12 pack of beer [Music] figure it out right out right and thanks so much for talking to me I appreciate about the college and uh because I was going to show you guys all clapped when I said about colleges this is a smart crowd I'm not I'm not uh just saying I could tell immediately you guys were going to be a good crowd and a smoker there's that's not true every night for us okay every night is not like I was doing a show last week I was in um whatever City makes it funny for you foreign and so I come on I go anybody here you know go to college you know Make Some Noise were you guys had clapped that place Dead Silence seriously nobody clapped people were just looking at me like angry that I had brought it up so I was panicking I'm like I gotta change this question you know so some people can answer so I go that's okay you know anybody here ever know anybody that went to college nobody um anybody ever drive by a college anybody know how to spell college what if I let you work in groups has anyone ever made a collage [Music] laughing at that they did not laugh at it in in whatever City you picked this one guy came up with me after the show and he was like Hey comedy guy and I was like what's up man you know and he go he goes what in the heck's a studio apartment and so I explained to him what it was he'd never heard of it you know and he goes do you realize for for that much money that you spent you could get in this town like a 10 bedroom house on about 20 acres of land and I was like I know man but the only problem is out the front door you got you gotta live here all right some people got offended by that we didn't even name the place they're like oh those poor people of that fake Town they're bad for those pretend people so I'm trying to get in shape as far as start getting in shape you guys look good here by the way you guys look you guys look really good do we have any Big Workout Fanatics here tonight with us Big Workout fans anybody ever know anybody that worked out assistant [Applause] anybody ever worked outside a gardener anybody ever worked out on a collage I don't like it in there in the gym I don't like I saw one guy I went in the gym and he was working out um he's working on his neck look at his head on the neck machine and um I don't know I'm not gonna make fun of anybody it's just when I saw him it just looked as if maybe maybe the rest of his body did not have a membership to the chili maybe he was like could it be cheaper if I just do the neck is there a way I could get a discount if I just do not and I'm not here to make fun of him his neck it was beautiful I mean it could have been on the cover of neck magazine like it was a beautiful neck I'm not here to make fun of that I just found myself in awe of this man I just was watched him and I was just like why like what could be going on in your life like seriously what is going on in your life that you realize man Now's the Time to get my neck going I was laying in bed that night trying to figure out like why is this guy need a strong neck like maybe he got like a really heavy hat for Christmas I've got to go back to the gym still can't wear it gotta work for the new year I told myself I would try new things and I was walking out of the gym recently and they were starting a spinning class and so I said you know what I'm going to try that because I told myself I'll try new things and if you've never been to one I love to ride bicycles like with my friends it's not like that foreign like really hard you know and uh and I went in there and first of all I looked at the instructor if you've never been to once a bunch of exercise bikes and then there's an instructor and he makes up some sort of imaginary Terrain in his head then you follow along your bikes according to whatever he said and first of all I didn't like the guy ever just see someone you go I don't I don't don't like him for no reason like first he's wearing a helmet helmet could happen a helmet on seriously what are we going to be weaving in and out of cars what do you talk he had a helmet and then we start off and he's like okay everybody nice Flat Road up ahead nice and easy so we're all warming it up he goes a little bit of a hill let's go up to level two so you go up to two and we're on two for like 10 seconds and he goes oh it's another Hill let's go up to three we're on three for like 30 seconds he goes oh it's another Hill let's go up to four ten he goes another I start thinking this guy should have gone a different route probably there's a horrible bicycle ride why don't you test it out first buddy before you take a bunch of strangers on it I think it should have gone the other way it was awful and it got worse and worse like level you know 9 10 11. we got to 13 I couldn't even get my feet around the thing without standing up it was so hard and were you up another Hill and I just raised my hand I'm like sir I gotta stop you uh I don't know a lot about topography but what I do know is we should be coming down the freaking hill by now I don't know if you've ever been to the hills outside of your head but there's a second half of them that's awesome it's the downhill parts or it's everyone's favorite half of a hill he just keeps going he just ignores me and you guys I was having trouble but man the lady behind me she was having like a lot of trouble and I don't want to like make fun of her but every time we go up a hill she would make a new noise and I'm not here to make fun of her I'll just try to mimic exactly the noises that I heard so we go up a hill and behind me just here is there a clown back there what's going on I don't know but I didn't turn around because I want to make her feel but we go up another houses here huh I'm like what did the Clown die what's happening is that a ghost what's going on back but I want to make her feel bad so I just I straight forward but she was having you guys she was having trouble I think the instructor could tell because he was trying to kind of wrap it up so he goes okay everybody we're gonna do one more Hill we're done for the day so because let's just do level 25 write it out then we're done and you guys she must have tried it because I will never forget the two noises I heard next I just heard and then I heard like that and I go you know what I'm turning around I deserve it I've waited long enough turn around and the lady has fallen off of her bicycle yeah and at first I was like oh man man I missed it but she was okay she was like still making noises so she's still okay but as I reflect on that day like the weirdest part of it was like like no nobody went to help her you fall off a bike that's not moving that's kind of your fault [Music] this one's on you okay do you know me because if you just said if you just start pedaling that would have become a chair so you had that option so you should have just made it into a chair and then what do we do did we call the front desk did we call 9-1-1 no you know we did we just all fake Road away [Applause] so my wife's smallest corn man we um we do argue sometimes but I think that's just normal right I mean men and women living in one house and we're like so different that's just what's gonna happen and I don't think either of us mean to get on each other's nerves I think it's just something that happens you know like my wife likes to do this thing where she wakes up an hour before me she drinks a bunch of coffee and then she starts yelling at me is if I have also been up drinking coffee but I haven't like my eyes are closed I'm in bed which I feel like is sort of like the international symbol for hey leave me alone I'm sleeping I'm just saying like rarely do you see someone with their eyes closed in a bed and go like what's that guy doing fishing no he's sleeping always you know but she loved to get up early you know and she'd always say the same thing to me you know she'd wake me up hey Jamie wake up I'm like oh my oh my goodness what's happening what's going on it's like and she's always the same thing she always go listen you know what we should do today which by the way no woman has ever said do you know what we should do today followed by something awesome it's it's kind of always something only they would like to do it's never it's never awesome you know it's not it's never like you know what we should do today what I thought I'd massage you and you'd watch basketball oh my goodness I'm awake I did not expect that I would have actually gotten up last night if I thought that was gonna happen I would have gotten up an hour before I went to sleep if I thought there was a chance of a massage with some basketball but you guys know you know that that's not what happens it's not what happened instead she goes you know what we should do today and I go one she goes I want us to go to the craft store which did you hear that in the room that tension like all I said was craft store and you could hear a lot of different emotions like a guy right back there was just like oh did you hear that like he had been punched in the stomach he was like oh and although some of the women I could hear you getting like excited like inside you're like oh my goodness I actually need uh I need googly eyes that is so weird he said that I need googly eyes we are fresh out of googly eyes we have like one left which makes no sense they should sell them in even numbers are there crafty people here my wife is like super crafty and it's it's cool that she has a hobby and if there's any like young people and I'm losing you on this I'll just tell you real quick basically crafting just to explain it to you it's basically like so you could buy something at a store right but for a little bit more money you could make a crappier version with no Yelp reviews with no way to return it without hurting someone's feelings foreign she was like really really crafty but it was just like for me like where I'm coming from is it was just it was it was a stressful for me because I would have trouble I'm not the smartest guy I would have trouble figuring out like in our house what was valuable and what was trash like it was almost impossible to figure it out I remember I upset my wife this one time like she got so upset you guys and that's the that's the last thing I want is my wife to be upset and she got upset and you know what I did all I did was I threw away an empty sauce jar that's all I did right and my wife wakes up she goes where did the sauce jar go that was on the counter I I threw it away and she goes why would you throw it away and I go uh it was it was out of sauce is this some kind of trick question or something there was no sauce in it you know so I threw it away because I remember when we had bought it we were like we need sauce I that's why we've been we've been keeping it around for the sauce that was in it you know that's what it says on the outside of the bottle I wouldn't want someone to open it like oh somebody took it so that's that's kind of why I threw it away and she goes well I was going to make a craft with that and I go well there's no way you know I would have known that you know because I still only have just the five senses still foreign still still being a human you know and would you believe in this and I don't want to upset her but would you believe 24 hours later I did almost the exact same thing I threw away you know the things the eggs coming what are they called a carton which by the way do you feel that silence I just want to tell you guys if you see an egg carton you just leave it you leave it right where it is you don't touch it the egg carton is like the Bitcoin of Pinterest fluctuating it's only a finite amount on Earth just don't touch it nobody told me that you know I just woke up and I saw an egg carton and it was empty and I don't like clutter and so the recycle truck was driving by and I was like oh my goodness I love these and so I ran out there he's got a whole truck full of it so I went out there loves them so I threw it in the truck and I come back inside and my wife is staying there and she's like where'd the egg carton go that was on the counter I go no oh you're kidding me no you didn't no I I was like and she was like what night and tell her and I didn't want to tell her I threw it in the guy's truck I go if she finds out about that guy she'll start dating him how can I compete with that he's got a whole truck full of craft items all the eight Gardens you could want he probably has some facility I'm telling her about that I can't come can't compete with that I go honey I'm I'm really sorry and she goes why would you throw it away and I just you know he's out of eggs mainly you know that was probably the number one reason you know because I woke up and I was like you know you can't you know cook that for breakfast everybody will die so I threw it away and so I'm just nervous all the time in my own home like it's been eight years since I threw something away yeah like if you came to my house and you're like Dude where's your garbage I don't know I don't know where it is and if you find it don't even tell me because I don't want to get in trouble anymore seriously when I'm done with something I just pile it up on her side of the bed I threw it when she has time you know she walks in like what are all these dirty diapers doing here I'm like I don't know maybe you're making some sort of poop quilt how am I supposed to know what is valuable and what is trash I don't know I don't know anymore I don't know what's happening just being safe but I guess my whole point you guys is just it's just sometimes we don't want like I don't I just don't want to go to the craft store foreign times don't get a choice even if you try to get out like I try to get out of it every single time she says well honey I'd like you to go to the craft store with me and I go oh I don't I don't wanna I go what is there any way I could not go and she goes no you know I'd really like you to go and I go uh what do you imagine my role would be at the craft show like what exactly are you expecting from this guy right here yeah and she goes well I want your opinion you know sometimes I find two things I like I'm not sure which one to get I want to know what you think you know I go oh okay uh I don't care yeah about any of it you know so that's how I feel about all that stuff so maybe you could go by yourself you know if you find two things you like you could hold them up and imagine me going I don't care foreign both of us would be happy instead of just those of us that are you again and then I don't even remember the argument ending and all of a sudden I was just I was just pushing a cart smelled like pine cones I'm like you gotta be kidding me I feel like this happens to guys more than women I could be wrong but I get in like these bad moods in my friend wherever one I see I just wanna I'm not gonna do it but I want to punch him just like everybody for no good reason I saw this guy and all it was he had a brass rooster in his cart and it just infuriated me the whole thing it made me I wanted to punch in punch the rooster like why is he buying it just made me so mad for so on so many levels like first of all why are they selling them second of all why why are you buying them now you're you're encouraging them and I go what are you making a metal Farm like what's happening why would you why would you need that and I'm just in a bad mood and I'm pushing my car and I'm not paying attention I go around the corner I hit carts against this guy because I wasn't paying attention he wasn't paying attention I look up and it was this really old guy right like a much older man I could tell when I was little I want to punch her I could tell on his head he was like help help me I could tell and I go oh dude I feel so bad I saw it I saw the look in his I didn't even know what to do I just saluted him um I said thank you for your service because I just is that what you say I don't even know I just think in this guy he's probably going to craft stores for 60 or 70 years every single week then I started thinking this guy was probably around before they even had craft stores he probably had to go out in the forest to get pine cones poor guy he's fighting bears [Laughter] that guy's my hero you know and so finally I can't find my wife anymore and finally I see her and I walk over and I'm like honey how do you know how do we how do we get out of here like what has to happen for us to get out of here because I'm losing it and she goes oh I'm so glad you're here and I go what's going on she goes I need your help I get what do you need my help with and she goes which one of these should we get and you got for a million dollars for one million dollars in cash I could not tell you what she was holding like I'm not trying to be a jerk I just don't even know what is like a ball but not balls that you know like sport but it was just like decorative balls and it's just like which one of these is better and I'm like I don't know how to I don't know how to play I don't know what's happening why would one be better you know I hate I hate all of them and everything in here everybody especially the ball I Hate Everything uh but you gotta help you gotta try to help your wife's like well honey what are you gonna what are you gonna do with them and she goes well oh you know that shelf right beside the television with nothing on it and I go uh I don't I don't think you're lying to me I you know I'm sure there's a shelf I've just never you know why would you look away from the television that seems stupid dude I mean like how many channels does the Shelf have probably not probably and then I go maybe we don't even need to do it since I'm just now even finding out about the Shelf never even glanced over there but I wanted to be happy so like what do you what are you thinking what are you thinking of doing she goes well I want to get a bowl okay then I want to take the balls and put them in the bowl and then put them on the Shelf so people can come over and be like there's that I'm paraphrasing a little bit to Quicken the story um she said more words but I remember what they were something of that nature I'm just trying to shorten it up for you guys and um so I look into the cart and there's all these balls right there's like so many there's so many balls and but there's not one bowl and so I started thinking I got it figured out I know how to I know how to get home we just gotta find the the bowl and so I go honey I want to help you let's find the bowl is that am I right like we just find a bowl and we get to go home because I'd like to help you find the bowl and I would also like to go home and she goes well no you know they don't have the exact bowl that I want here I just I already checked the bowl section so we just got a real quick swing by the craft store on the way home foreign by the other craft store on you guys I was already mad point I just blacked out I don't even remember what happened but I guess I just started yelling at the store itself I was like come on Michael get it together what's going on Michael I was waving a glue gun around where's Michael I want to talk to Michael right now where is he I want to speak with Michael sir there is no Michael that's what I thought I didn't think he would do that to his own people maybe Michelle would but not Michael and I don't want you guys to think I'm like an angry guy or a bad guy it's just I you know I'm already mad now I find out I gotta go across town I Gotta See freaking Joanne because Michael doesn't have his stuff together are you kidding me right now so I do have three children and sometimes people will say to me um you know Jamie now you have three children do you have a favorite kid which uh parents out there you guys know you know you don't have you know I do have one [Music] you know I'll just tell you it doesn't matter I'll just tell you uh it's my neighbor's kid hey my name is James Lewis you guys have been so much fun nice meeting everybody [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,714,732

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jamie Lissow, Jamie Lissow Dry Bar Comedy, Jamie Lissow Comedian, Jamie Lissow Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Parenting, Parenting Styles, Crafts, crafting, craft project, craft store, dbc

Id: 9TzfO-ta3Rc

Length: 36min 53sec (2213 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 23 2020