People From West Virginia Don't Know They Can Leave. Kelly Terranova - Full Special

but in my defense i did not know we were free to leave [Music] my name's kelly terranova i realize you are puzzled and some of the fellas look disappointed he bought tickets thinking oh kelly terranova i hope she's attractive she's not what a great looking crowd thank you all for being here by means of introduction my name is kelly terranova i am from a state called west virginia that's very kind that's very kind is there anyone in the room from west virginia virginia really that's different [Music] different state all the sudden we're playing where in the world is kermit san diego that's different i knew there were no west virginians here because west virginians we do not begin a journey that requires more than one tank of gas i lived in west virginia until i was 18 but in my defense i did not know we were free to leave [Music] turns out it's like work release you can walk away they don't look for you or anything i don't live there anymore but i retain some of the accent and i try to keep it under control because when people find you have a southern accent they make certain assumptions we're going to cover one of those right now not all of us are in to nascar baby if i want to see rednecks drive in circles i go to the walmart and sit in the parking lot i got stuff to do i have a way to make nascar better you ready i'm gonna steal an idea from golf golf has something called the senior tour have you heard of this it's old guys playing golf who knew they're just playing golf they're not running track i would pay to see the old man gymnastics that'd be cool but we're here today to help nascar here's my idea work with me dry bar the senior nascar tour the final lap and it's nothing but white mercury grand marquis just rolling around that track about 35 miles an hour you call it the denny's five and you wouldn't even need those big racing goggles you know the big face shields because most of the seniors have those big sunglasses the big wrap around so why is that if your little peanut heads not but that big you don't need oakley's out to here my nana came to a family reunion scared the daylights out of me i'm like ah robo nana she had that said nana are we hunting predator today she told me she got those bigger wrap-around glasses three with a cadillac [Laughter] or a cataract you can't understand i was in town today making my way around and i saw one of those old people tour buses that go on the tours together and they were all getting off the bus they had the big sudden they look like pod people getting off the mothership right and this one lady bless her oh do you know bless her heart do you know about that okay okay that's code word for i'm about to say something mean and i don't want you to think less of me just so you know so this one woman thank you she's pulling oxygen and it kind of looked like she's getting ready to weld something i thought oh no the bus is broke you see a lot of different things you see a lot of different things you see peculiar things that's my job i go out into the world i make my way in the world and i see funny things and i report back to you i'm kind of like instagram stories that's my job okay except i don't pout when you don't like me um i flew here i flew from an airport in in in in frankly in north carolina i can't tell you that the name was of the place because i don't want to make feel like i'm picking on them but i go in the airport and right there beside the big welcome to charlotte sign is i gave it away it's it's a museum i guarantee no one ever left that airport going oh man not enough culture it's like a portrait gallery of aviation pioneers like chuck yeager or west virginian by the way and the wright brothers i saw a fella holding his little boy's hand they were admiring a portrait of amelia earhart but i overheard there's a little sign he's reading he's like son that there that's up amelia i sound it out did he sound it out emil i mean oh amelia earnhardt that's dale junior's memo and i said what but i said what really loud you know sometimes you're in a big open space and you try to talk above the noise and as soon as soon as you do everybody else just shut up he looked at me he walked closer he got bigger he was big and i'm kind of a what's what's the wimp i panicked dude i played along i said that's what i heard sir i believe that dale jr's paw paw and her met down there at talladega one year and they fell in love and she got on a plane and we never saw that lady again now i don't know what's worse that he's telling the stupid story or the fact that this airport decided to put up pictures of people who died in airplanes are you serious baby i'm not wild about flying as it is i don't need to walk through the plane crash hall of fame on the way to concourse be welcome to here's some famous people who didn't make it you know what else i'm not crazy about waiting for my plane at the buddy holly lounge i'm not doing that either i don't want a la bomba burger brenda no i don't now listen i'm not i can't tell you the name of the airline that i flew because of a blog post that i made let's just say it's an american airline not everybody got that listen i'm not one of those people that waxes poetic about the bygone days of air travel people talk about it like it was no it's always kind of been crappy can we can we agree on that they used to have more room people used to dress better the problem today the way i see it is they nickel and you know what i mean when i say they nickel and dime you every little thing you want to put a bag under this plane pay me you want to select your seat do you pay me would you like those oxygen masks to fall down in an emergency would you like that would you would you swipe your card it's coming the only extra that most airlines still include and i say most if you're flying this one discount airline i can't help you can't tell you the name of that one either but uh we got spirit yes we do we got spirit how about you okay that might be a little clue that airline they are so cheap they charge you by the peanut well they no longer have peanuts of course because condor has an allergy or whatever i don't know can we stop with the peanut allergies please i went to school frankly more than 12 years of public school ain't never met a kid with a peanut allergy and now they're everywhere i figured out why hose water kids stop drinking hose water drink hold now you send your kid out with the vacuum packed stainless steel mars rover but please drink out of the hose connor oh and if you've got a kid named connor that that's just a generic white kid name i use don't be offended it's just you know them all connor cooper walker and uber um if you're on that airline baby and the seat reclines it's broken it was not meant to do that it was i can't believe those airplanes even take off i don't think they do i think the windows are actually tvs and they show pictures of clouds just like that hogwarts express ride said mommy why is hagrid beside the plane what is that no but most airlines that other one accepted most give you at least a complimentary or free if you didn't get to the s.a.t part of school free [Laughter] beverage and i'm here to beg you american airlines can we please go hog wild and break out a whole can of soda you with me over here a whole can of soda over here a whole can of soda cause you know what i am i'm a grown man and you know what i can handle 12 ounces of soda [Music] i don't need a speak up brenda seriously those flight attendants act like they're buying that out of their own pocket like they're required to show up at tsa with a carry-on and a six-pack of fresca no you're not your company buys that for you to give to me that's your job but they are so high and mighty they come down the aisle with that soviet-era aluminum beverage cart like they're rolling the crown jewels watch your elbow watch your knee and don't get in front of them right they will mow you down boom boom boom boom boom it's like captain sully killed them geese i'm telling you remember that remember captain sully the hero on the hudson in the goose community that is remembered differently as the massacre on the hudson just so you know it's all about your point of view so then finally you flag her down and she rummaged around in that cart and snatches out what appears to be a dixie-sized cup who remembers dixie cup okay this little thing it's greatest wishes to be a dixie cup i drank more nyquil than that for breakfast what are we doing oh and then she starts putting ice in this cup like that's her job filling it up ice ice baby ice ice even anna and elsa are going gee whiz lady that's a lot of ice they bet me i couldn't get a frozen joke in this show yes i can let it go [Applause] but at least with the domestic airline you know what you're getting i'm fortunate to work frankly all over the world and sometimes these other airlines you don't have the same amenities i just got off i was working a uh a little island off the coast of honduras and i had to get back home i had to fly from that little island to el salvador the garden spot of central america to get back to the u.s now i will tell you that hondura to el salvador listen it's it's rustic okay is that a nice word rustic or it's sketchy is it not a nice word um it's just not a transportation hub and so i'm looking i'm already concerned and i look at my ticket y'all i'm on an airline that i have never heard of not funny never heard of [Music] by applause drybar who has ever flown on cheetah nobody cheetah cheetah is a wonderful powerful exotic animal you know what it doesn't do fly [Music] why oh why would you name an airline after an animal to scamper in the dirt yes i know a cheetah is fast you know what else is fast avalanche i'm not flying them either and no so i go into this airport well i say in you don't really go in like you're into a farmer's market there's there's tarps for goodness sake um so you're kinda in usually when i go inside an airport i reflexively glance up for a tv monitor to find a flight number do you do that in honduras there was no tv and let's be clear there may not have been electricity but but what they had and some of y'all got to help me out you may not know what this is an old etch-a-sketch remember that's your sketch okay it's hanging on a coat hanger and before flights some old lady gets a little giant ladder and scampers up and grabs it down oh and i'm already freaked out and i see my flight number y'all my flight number is five zero five zero yes i'm on cheetah 50 50. am i gonna survive this flight oh and then i seen a plane y'all this airplane was so oh wait uh there's some younger folks what i'm gonna do now this is an old-timey throwback style of telling a joke see if you like it this airplane was so small first of all give yourselves a round of applause that was good that was good y'all could be on the hee haw that was good and just so you know that is a uniquely american response i learned that doing a cruise out of england over christmas i'm up there this airplane is and they're like [Music] he was going to tell us about the size of the aircraft [Laughter] and now he's just standing there with that stupid look on his face do you think he's forgotten he doesn't look very smart the airplane was so small there were birds birds in the air blurting with my plane [Laughter] hey big daddy it was so small that the fella sitting in front of me when he reclined his seat he became the fellow behind me and he was the pilot is that weird i want you to especially the fellas in the audience the gentleman i want you to appreciate the uncomfortable nature i'm sitting there minding my own business doing my crossword puzzle because that's my travel jam and i look down to do the puzzle and there's another guy looking back up that's awkward eye contact yes but i thought you know what if i'm uncomfortable i'm sure that he's uncomfortable i'm trying to be a better human i'm going to be empathetic to his plight i'm going to make him more comfortable i'm going to massage his head because who doesn't like a head massage turns out this guy this i'm not a fan frankly he kind of flipped out and i i had to sing soft kitty oh kitty what i should have done was offered to trim his nose hair older fellas i'm looking at you trim the nose hair this guy sneezed it looked like one of those party favorites okay you all over here you're not appreciating how small the plane was let me see if i can give you an example oh oh oh by applause who's ever been to disney beauty i'll feel you okay okay at disney is a ride called dumbo the flying elephant who's been onto dumbo okay then you've been on cheetah 50 50. that's what i'm saying this happened like three days ago i'm still freaked out okay i want to take you along on cheetah 50 50. now pretend you're in the seats and this is the cockpit over here is the pilot oh yeah the pilot this guy sho the pilot a man of skill and authority and training and respect the man who's going to fly me across the water to a new country he shows up for work wearing flip-flops you're okay with that you're going to fly a plane but you haven't mastered shoelaces he's got on long pants thankfully a uniform shirt but he's got no rank you know how they wear to rank he had what appeared to be one captain america badge i'm like hey cap what are we avenging dude oh he had a name tag but i don't know his name because you know why it wasn't a regular name tag it was one of those hello my name is dot dot dot and it was blank i later overheard his name one of the crew person said his name his name y'all scooter i know i'm like wow that's something else that doesn't fly so so pretend you're on the plane this is the cockpit over here is captain scooter oh who's supposed to sit over here co-pilot not on my plane baby on cheetah 50 50 there was a fella sitting there regular fella just some dude but to be fair he did call shotgun and that's the rule did you know did you know you could do that who who flies a lot everybody over here okay next time you on an airplane man take my word just get on that plane and your loudest voice say shot that's a bad idea hang on don't do that [Applause] now that i hear it out loud that's a bad idea okay that's a no-fly list kind of deal and don't do it trying to be funny he said the comedian said the comedian won't be there [Music] so the plane is so tiny and we're going to take over taxiing everybody knows what taxiing is we're in the airplane rolling on the ground preparing to take off and i see the back of scooter's head and you're all packed in there and you can see his head because there's no door or curtain there's not even beads hey you can look right in and scooter has one hand on the airplane steering wheel in the other hand got his phone i watch as he punches in google maps are you serious we're gonna get from honduras to el salvador on google maps i'm like what if angry birds pops up this was my concern [Music] and while i'm coming to grips with these shenanigans he goes to his pocket and pulls out a post-it note everybody knows post-it note right mashes it onto the dashboard friends there were four words on the posting four words it gave me to chills lower wheels before landing [Laughter] are you serious my pilot needs a cheat sheet for put your wheels down before you land and i want you to pay attention to how i reported that that note already written he didn't jot it down as a last minute no no this was prepared in advance yes this suggests to me there is an incident somewhere in his past when he tried to land that airplane with no wheels and i'm thinking if you're a pilot who may not remember to put your wheels down once you leave them down sparky you can fly with wheels down i drive with the trunk open all the time oh you do things to the stories you know if you're in a bad situation i'll have a good story to tell later i've been doing comedy now more than 20 years and i also oh that's very kind i also do some acting nothing big but it's nice to be recognized you know for a thing like just just here during this taping weekend i've had folks tell me they recognize me from house of cards pretty cool on netflix right and from friday night lights on nbc it's cool show and from parks and rec which is a classic show now that's very kind i've never been on any of those shows [Music] but i'm such a horrible person i'm like thanks for watching if you're an attractive woman who thinks i may have been on the big bang theory well bazinga baby i'm sheldon i don't care i do not care i was out here in front just a minute ago and the lady said she knew me from tv i said thank you from what she said from the tv show pawn stars she thought i was chumly i'm trying to exercise that i'm chumly she said oh but you must dye your beard yeah this is the color i would choose got to get something from the old fart collection please who's been doing ikea y'all gonna you got an ikea up the road here a little bit i was in there today for 11 and a half hours i couldn't get out how do you get out of that store if that store ever catches fire everybody's gonna burn that's why there's a restaurant otherwise you would starve you would starve right there in the poang chair section have you eaten in ikea what did you eat yell it out meatballs you love them those meat but they're just like spherical hamburgers you know right it's no big deal it was even a scandal in europe about what kind of meat was in the meatball and i'm just here to say if you're buying meatballs at a furniture store i can't help you the furniture's fine you got to put it together right you know that you got it that's the number three leading cause of relationship distress in texas it's misunderstood ikea directions it says titan the hex nut you are a hex nut and oh they keep like the swedish or i don't know nordic names like you can't go in there and buy a stool i mean you can buy a stool it's not called stool it's called like flip-floping or something like come on olaf i ain't got time and that's two frozen jokes just so you know it's two let it go i wanted to buy a desk for my daughter what i would call a student desk nothing fancy for her room a simple desk they had one it's not called desk it is called and you can google this a skunk n s-k-u-n-k and their two little dots above the u which is where the spray comes out and yeah it was black and white yes it was absolute told my daughter i was gonna put a skunk in her room my wife said put it in my son's room and make his room smell better kid does not do laundry oh that reminds me oh i'm sorry i gotta go off on the tent listen on the road a lot i gotta visit where i can and i gotta do laundry and i love you all but i've learned something and it's just the same here as any place else the laundromat never in a good part of town you never hear this the laundromat well sure friend that's right there beside the starbucks no it's always like you know where the prison is so i went to this laundromat and you go in and there's like a promotion because you got to buy tokens for the machine machines take tokens and the guy says thank you and i said thanks and he said hey wait don't forget your raffle ticket turns out at this laundromat every load of laundry you do they put you into a raffle a drawing for a flat screen tv i know i was gonna wash all this separate that's fantastic i'm thinking sock sock jeans drawers shirt sure that's six loads right there got to be in it to win it baby but then i thought about it a little extra and i said well dude that's a cool promotion but i'm going to bet that most of your customers and let's be honest all of them have probably got a pretty nice tv they could use a washer and dryer yeah he didn't think i was as funny as you did he uh he kind of snatched my tokens back and i had to go to the one over near the prison but i do like exploring new places and your community is no doubt what a beautiful place listen i get to go to some of the most beautiful place oh i was just i was in mexico right and i've been there a bunch and but i've never had like mexican cuisine because they don't have the chalupas and whatnot there so i had to go numero cuatro um and so i went to the taxi driver and i said sir please take me uh for uh uh to where the locals eat and this fella took me to a five guys do you have five guys where you live all right here's a little tip from me to you don't order the large french fry at five guys it comes in a wheelbarrow it's huge that's the only french fry that's bad for your back so i'm in this little town eating eating idaho pretty much i'm eating this stuff and this lady bless her i'm gonna describe this lady to you with love in my heart she's leaving the five guys with a bag of five guys in each hand and i'm thinking that's like ten guys that's a lot of guys it's a little math joke um i will describe her to you as my nana would have described her with love and respect in my heart she was a big-boned woman we on the same page you know what i mean when i say big bone woman now full disclosure i did not see any bones but surely they were present some things we take on faith she's leaving the five guys bag of five guys at each hand as she leaves there was an incident i'm trying to think how to make this friend oh oh oh she had a blowout not sure what you're cheering for she blew out her croc you know what a croc is everybody knows a croc like a foam rubber garden and slipper that four-year-old white kids wear to the pool okay the official shoe of conor you're with me okay right i don't know what kind of load the croc is rated for now loads an engineering word i'm not being disrespectful i don't know what that number is but it was exceeded that day right there in the in the cinco ombres right there [Laughter] thanks for digging my spanish um now i don't know all the science words but she made a move i would call it a plant pivot she was able to complete the maneuver just fine the croc not so much it accepted the plant resisted the pivot and i guess the compression and the torsion and the shearing force and the friction co i don't know it turns into dust there's croc dust in there that was preceded by a hissing noise and she looked at me i'm like don't look at me senor that's all you no i'm wearing two shoes you got a croc foot and a barefoot but i try to be helpful i said so what you want to do maybe is cut back to let's say uno one one uno bag of five guys head over there to the peso last shoe store and get some grown-up shoes this is not a story about the big bone woman this is a story about plastic shoes some of y'all not getting them crocs are for people who think flip-flops just a little too dressy can we agree this is hideous footwear people it doesn't even look like shoes it looks like some nonsense your kid made it at like summer camp i need more play-doh now i know where i am and there's probably folks in the room wearing crocs whatever statistically speaking there's at least one male in here wearing camouflage crocs [Music] where are you going you can't see my feet but americans believe if it's comfortable convenient nothing else matters i can prove it y'all they are still selling snuggies or slankets if you can't afford a snuggie you get a slanket millions of people make a decision to buy a special uniform for tv to watch tv and i know i know if you're honest somewhere in your house you got an old bathrobe take it out turn it round tada you don't need a snuggie you may want one you don't need one but they show those commercials and they're coming back and i'm here to warn you like paul revere they show him at night at night when you are what vulnerable trying to go to sleep watching tv the commercial gets in your head click the last thing you hear click before you drift click off the seat don't you hate being trapped in your blanket [Laughter] i have never ever not one time found myself trapped in a blanket look at me i'm no athlete [Music] but somehow i always manage to macgyver my way out get out [Applause] i do it i do it is there an epidemic of people showing up in the er i am mummified in my fleece it's just a blanket there's no fasteners no it's the most basic of textile the blanket has been around for you know who had a baby jesus had a blanket swaddling clothes that's a play ain't no sleeve in the swaddling clothes good enough for him good enough for me and i'll just say it right now i will say it i don't mind saying it if you're the kind of fella who finds yourself stuck in a blanket you gotta stop eating in bed that's nasty you need to wash that blanket and i know a laundromat where you can win a tv local man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now [Music] mom [Music]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 564,424

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Kelly Terranova, Kelly Terranova Dry Bar Comedy, Kelly Terranova Comedy, Kelly Terranova Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, West Virginia, Charolette, Plane Crash, West Virginians, dbc, stand Up, Funny

Id: b4vXapRA-i8

Length: 38min 23sec (2303 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 24 2021