The South’s Idea of Geography. JJ Barrows - Full Special

and i was so excited because i'd always wanted to go to hawaii i've always been a little bit of a late learner um it comes with the territory uh i'm originally from south carolina oh that dessert yeah thank you that deserves my old response that is fine when i was growing up south carolina was 49th in education yeah we might have upgraded to 50th by now i haven't checked the stats mostly because i don't know how um i'm just saying uh like for example i found out very late in life like very late that alaska and hawaii were not next to each other down here where they appeared to be at the bottom of the map yeah yeah nobody clarified that the map ran out of space and someone just slapped them down there i thought that's where they lived i went my merry little way it was dumb as a clam until seven years ago i was hired by alaska airlines yeah i was told i was going to be stationed in anchorage alaska and i was so excited because i'd always wanted to go to hawaii yeah i was like what island do you think we'll be close to turns out none of them spoiler alert any other carolinians in the room i called my mom and i was like mom i got the job and apparently our maps are no good because alaska in hawaii are not off the coast of california yeah she was like did i drop you [Laughter] bless your heart some of y'all know that's another thing y'all need to know about the south if anybody from the south ever says you bless your heart they're not being nice to you no they feel sorry for you but they being nice about it okay yeah with people from my hometown first heard that i moved out to california and i got involved in things like yoga they were like oh my word she done gone to the dark side that girl is probably stretching her legs all over the place bless her heart one woman told me she put me on a prayer chain let me tell y'alls um i believe in prayer but that is the last place you want to be is on a southern woman's prayer chain so all that means is i don't tell everybody your business amen yeah i love other women though they're good women i love them my favorite southern woman would have to be my great-aunt jackie and jackie is 98 years old and i'm sure every family has some version of her she is as old school southern as you can get like when i first told her that i wanted to be an artist and i want to go to art school she was like well darling why don't you just get married and then you could doodle all day long that's old school south right there that's like i know you have dreams but can't you get married first for real one of my greatest joys in life was actually calling her up about three years ago i think and i told her that i was officially a full-time artist without the prospect of a man in sight and she about had a heart attack um it's true that's actually what i i do that's what i've done for the last three years i'm a i'm a full-time artist which also means thank you well it also means i have four part-time jobs so four years of college i got a job for each year yeah i did not tell her that bless her heart [Applause] i love that woman she was great though she's 98. um she currently lives in a memory care center because she suffers from dementia she is oddly sharp as a tech when it's convenient which i think is suspicious i'm just saying so my mom and i we go to visit her last summer and the nurse takes this to her room and she's like this is jackie's new room isn't it so cozy and jackie stops her and she says cozy coz is just a polite word for small i'm losing my mind not my sense of space she was aware that she was unaware i was like that's jedi right there yeah i started calling her jedi jackie i was like yeah another jj so we're we're talking and um my mom points out her chair and she's like well jackie i love your chair is that new sense last time it is was very pretty where did you get it i don't know but i like it and someone else is missing one that's jedi making fears appear whole time we're there i noticed this old man walking around room to room and he's chatting up all the older ladies i was like hey jackie who's that guy she said that's vern vern of course his name was vern yeah she said he's still a married man he came here with his wife and it flirts with all the other women of course his wife can't keep track of them because she can't remember she's married to him see that that's what the vowel should say not till death do us pot till memory do us thought vern was having the time of his life he was killing it i actually uh ran into him in the cafeteria later and aunt jackie saw us talking and she rolls up in her little wheelchair and she's like vern don't you talk to her you know she's too young for you and i think she's related to me yeah i was like that is love i don't know you but i got you just in case i know you yeah all right i don't normally tell people what they should or shouldn't do or my therapist says don't shut on people but i will uh say if y'all have elderly friends or family somewhere you should call them you should go see them i mean that's absolutely they are way cooler than we think they are yeah right like i used to be afraid of getting older until i started hanging out with and jackie and now i'm like nope this is gonna be fun yeah here we go it's true though getting older is weird just transitioning through life no matter what age you are um like i just had a birthday this year i thought y'all would clap for that but that's okay it's all right i had one last year too i might do it again next year i don't know i uh i hit like mid 30s i'm in that 30s range and uh the 30s to me are a very awkward age it's like the adult puberty okay yeah cause you aren't that old but you aren't that young either okay you're not like teenagers start calling you ma'am i'm like are you being rude or polite i can't tell especially here all y'all are so nice i checked into my hotel yesterday and a young girl behind the counter was like are you going to need help with your luggage ma'am and i was like you shut your mouth when you're talking to me she didn't even see it coming bless her heart i got stopped it's true people are like oh don't worry about it 30 is the new 20. i'm like yeah but it's not because we're cool is because we still don't know what we're doing you can't say that in your 20s it's like oh look at her flail in your 30s and you still don't know it's like oh girl you need jesus get that together you know older people try to be encouraging they're like oh honey don't worry i'm 72 and i still don't know what i want to do when i grow up like that is not encouraging that's depressing the weirdest thing though about being in my 30s was the day that i realized that 40 year old men were no longer creepy what attractive yeah like i don't really know when that transition takes place but it does y'all are quiet y'all were like what's she gonna say oh bless your heart no but real when i was in my 20s if someone had said to me that 40 year old dude is really into you i'd be like but now not that it happens but if it did that's not what we're saying to me that 40 year old dude is really into you i'd be like go on i also feel really creepy if i find a guy attractive and i find out he's super young i'm like oh wow he's cute and someone's like yeah he's 22. i'm like oh no i am so sorry it's possible i used to babysit him yeah does he have an uncle i love those uncles you can't tell these days you can't because i always feel like i'm younger than i am until i hang out with people in their 20s and i'm like no i am tired it's true my energy levels aren't what they used to be i wanted to go on a bike ride the other day i live a 20-minute bike ride from a downtown area so i did i biked downtown i locked my bike up walked around and i ubered home that's what the 30s are it's like i'm active but i'm not that active yeah that's crazy and you start losing touch with what's cool you know you don't know the lingo anymore like i started saying things like kids these days idiots i usually say those things together and uh so a while back there was this popular song out called cake by a rapper named florida whereas my mom says florida that's fair burrito burrado you know whatever florida florida okay so the song basically just repeats the word cake over and over again cake cake lyrical genius this guy great at one point in this song he says i didn't come here to party i just came for the cake and i was like that's brilliant and i trump around singing this song like this is my theme song just all day all day now what i didn't know was the guys these days particularly the ones singing the song mr florida refer to girls as cake oh yeah didn't know that one so like a sweet piece of cake to take home for the evening was not a reference to leftovers all right so a while back ira rallied which is what you do when you're in your 30s and you have to go out yeah in your 20s you're like we're going to hell in your 30s you're like i think i can i think i can't like the little engine that barely could yeah and i rally and i go out with these youngins just praying we'd be home by 10. and uh we get in the car and on the way there one of the guys says dude i hope there's some sweet cake there to which i said oh man me too i love cake yeah i was a little too eager for that cake i kept going i was like do you like chocolate or vanilla oh yeah we both like chocolate but whatever common grounds right okay yeah the life is weird people are weird it gets weirder i feel like um this is where i like to take a pole of the room to see what i'm working with before i move forward by a round of bless my heart thank you my round of applause has anybody in the room ever been single yeah common grounds all right we've all been there at some point it doesn't matter where you're at now right so okay at one point i was single for so long i think one of my girlfriends was worried about me you know because if you're single for too long you get kind of stuck in your ways like i got to the point where i was like i don't want to share my bed bath and beyond with anybody on so i got a little stuck there and uh my girlfriend calls me up she's like jj i have this guy for you he's not the best but he's still good yeah like he was from the clearance produce section of the grocery store yeah you know the section is kind of iffy but you're like the price might be right don't do it ladies don't do it a bad apple that looks good is still a bad apple okay yeah some mushy browns in there so i'm saying yeah ask eve yeah some of y'all get that later that's a bible joke okay sorry i'm a preacher's kid i got more uh no so i finally got to a point where i was like whatever i'ma try a dating app i was against it for a very long time but i was like there's no more fish in the sea they are all online yeah let's go cast in that there so i download an app and i just pray jesus make me a fisher of men and that's a bible joke yeah the church seems to make a dating app called fisher of men somebody i'm just saying i thought of that if you see it one day you are welcome or i'm sorry whichever one applied i don't know so anyways i found a dating app called coffee meets bagel anybody ever heard of this one okay yeah one person yeah my girl the rest of y'all let me tell you what you're not missing yeah okay so the thing that i liked about coffee meets bagel is that it limited you to only connecting with six people a day which sounds like a lot but in the dating app world where it's like unlimited swipeage of hundreds of people until your eyes are bloodshot sex is self-restraint okay yeah now the weird thing about coffee meets bagel is that it refers to people as bagels so every day you get a little notification that says you have six new bagels today i'm like i don't want six bagels i want one grown man yeah preferably with a job and a beard a bearded bagel that's my type okay now the other weird thing about coffee meets bagel is you have a bean bank and it charges your beans every time you want to find out something about your bagel yeah so it's like you have three mutual friends on facebook with this bagel and i'm like oh really who and it's like that'll be 95 beans please this is dating in my generation yeah if you're married stay there don't come back out things got weird okay i know marriage is hard but you're doing great all right hang in there so one day i was particularly well stocked in the bean department i noticed this one bagel was looking kind of toasty yeah i was like oh my word he's got a job he's got a beard he's got it all he was in everything bagel yeah think about it and so we connected and i spent my beans cost me a bunch but whatever and he sends me a message about my profile picture because it was a picture of me holding up the book dating for dummies because that's what my mother got me for valentine's day though yeah yeah i wasn't worried at all and not just any copy pocket size yeah so i could take it with me on the date lest we forget all right so he sends me a message and he's like hey i really like your profile picture i actually have the same book what are the odds and i wrote back and said well considering the fact that we're both on a dating app that charges us beans to call each other bagels i'd stay pretty high [Music] yeah i did not hear back from him i burned that bagel it's true so the dating scene was a really long road for me um i'm very fortunate though i've always had supportive friends and family through the process i remember one time after a particularly hard breakup i went home to see my family and i saw my little cousin and she just ran up to me and crawled in my lap and she was touching my face and playing with my hair she said you look like cinderella i was like oh lauren thank you then she leaned back and goes before the ball right yeah i was like that's actually pretty clever but get off of me bless her heart yeah no it's true it's been a long road but joke's on her um i might not be cinderella but last year i actually met someone and i knew as soon as i met him that he was the one that i would date last year yeah hold out applause no i'm just playing but i used to actually hate when i would ask people like how do you know when you meet the one and they all say the same thing oh when you know yeah well i'm like but i've known five times no i don't know turns out for me six times a charm it's like a punch card ladies you get there eventually you keep coming back you work see if you're working okay yeah so in april of this year he proposed and yeah this summer we actually got married so i am officially a newlywed funny enough he's actually from alaska yeah god has a sense of humor um yeah so i got to spend time there this summer and um it's a beautiful country it's not a country case in point state it's a beautiful state i did not see hawaii but i did see russia from his house [Applause] i gotta see where my snl people are yeah i did not write that joke for the record doesn't matter okay i'm trying to get in trouble um no but yeah it's amazing i love being married married marriage is amazing um so far i get it i'm i'm new um i said that at a show recently i was like marriage is awesome and this older lady yelled out just wait sorry so far i get it but it is i think marriage is amazing and people say that i mean people say marriage is the best it's going to bring out the best and the worst in you it's going to be like a mirror reflecting things about yourself that you didn't even know were there and it's true like i didn't know the level of crazy i was capable of until i got married yeah because i realized about myself i am not the type of woman who if anything ever happened to me and i passed away that i would be like i just want my man to be happy and i hope he moves on and meets someone new no [Laughter] i said it in our vows till death do us part but if i die before you get in the casket [Laughter] we gotta go [Music] yeah we meeting jesus at the same time oh i'm saying it's true it's crazy but it's true i feel blessed to love somebody in that way and i feel blessed to be loved in that way and it was worth it it was worth the wait i waited 35 years it's my first marriage and i mean now that i'm gonna have more i just took me a hot second um but it was worth it and that's what i would say to people who want to get married or who are younger or older is worth the wait to be with the right person yeah whether or not marriage is ever a part of your story you are worthy and you are loved that's what i want people to know about themselves even at a comedy show [Applause] you are worthy you are loved amen yeah i i'm so about that because i didn't know that about myself for a long time and i made really poor decisions because of it um especially about men and yeah i was the type of girl who would see all the red flags and warning signs like well ahead of time and be like onward i can help you yeah i know i can't mushy brown apples right there yeah my mom would always say to me honey love is blind but the neighbors ain't get yourself some good neighborhoods okay yeah cause they're gonna see what you don't when you're in love okay so last example and i'll get out of here um so i dated this guy at one point and he had said to me you know you should consider yourself lucky because i usually only date pageant girls and you are not one yeah he says stuff to me all the time like i can't believe i like you but i do i know so i shot him yeah you can do that in the south you don't even know the license and apparently in utah y'all got gunshots everywhere around here i tried to get coffee yesterday and it was in the gun shop i was like i get a coffee he's like i got something stronger i like it though um no i didn't shoot him but i would actually like pray about it because i was very confused i was like i love him i hate what myself i do and i'll be like god give me a sign what do i do do i stay with him god give me a sign what do i do one night we left to go out to dinner and he took me to chili's because we was fancy i want my baby back you know i got a theme song was fancy and uh no so we go to dinner and on the way there we uh we pull up to this big red sign said stop i was like oh my gosh there it is sometimes the lord works in obvious ways no so we go to dinner and i go into the uh breakup conversation and it catches on and he's like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa are you breaking up with me and i was like yes and he said you're breaking up with me i was like yes at which point the waitress walked up to check in on us and she was like hey uh how y'all doing how's it going over here he goes actually she just broke up with me to the waitress without missing a beat the waitress looked at both of us and she said oh i'm sorry did you want me to split the check [Applause] i did not want my baby back [Music] i gotta tell y'all real quick um after shows people used to come up to me and they're like i'm so sorry someone ever said that to you i'm so sorry someone spoke to you like that like you're amazing you're wonderful and i used to be like tell me more i love me but now i'm like you know what don't even worry about it life is so good god is so good i'm a full-time artist i am a happily married woman and all i do is doodle all day long yeah

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 616,809

Rating: 4.8539 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, JJ Barrows, JJ barrows Dry Bar Comedy, JJ Barrows Comedy, JJ Barrows Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Geography, alaska, hawaii, south carolina, coffee meets bagel, online dating, education, airline

Id: LC6HmXudRS0

Length: 28min 13sec (1693 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 24 2020