The United States Hate Each Other Jonnie W. - Full Special

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I am from Nashville, Tennessee. So this is cool to be here. Okay. You're just gonna wooo. That's fine. Just wooing every city name. That's okay. I love getting to travel. People are usually super nice. There's a little judgment when you're from the South, we were in Wisconsin a couple of weeks ago, people in Wisconsin think they don't have an accent. And they think my accent is adorable. This lady's like, "Your accent is precious. "Where are you from?" I said, I'm from Tennessee. She was like, "Do you date your sister?" That's what she said. (audience laughing) I was like, no . . . We broke up, all right? Too far, lady! (audience laughing) I'm kidding guys, we're still together. You make it work, okay? You stay in Tennessee. All right? Focus on the family. That's what we say. (audience laughing) I like that no matter where you're from, I've noticed this no matter where you're from. There's an area more backwards than you that you can point to. You noticed that? It's like a coping skill. Tennessee, we need it, okay? We're near the bottom in education We're like, yeah we are bad, but what about those slack jawed yokels in Alabama. Good grief. They're the worst. Alabama's like, yeah, but come on, Mississippi. They can barely read Mississippi. Mississippi is like, yeah, but Paraguay. So that's. (audience laughing) I love getting to travel, It's my favorite part. I was just in Iowa for the first time, a couple of months ago. Anyone ever been to Iowa? Anyone ever been? Guys if you get a chance, you get a chance to go to Iowa, go ahead and skip it. Here's the deal. (audience laughing) Save you a trip. I'm only judging it by the weirdest thing I saw there. I was on a tour bus with another comedian, we're driving along, just corn everywhere, then we see a funeral home. The funeral home sign said this, now offering double-decker grave plots. I was like, you pull this bus over right now. I got questions. We get out, the guy was digging the hole, like a perfect, I'll ask you. What do you mean double-decker? He goes, "Well, "we go 10 feet down, "instead of just six, "we go 10, you know, "we put the first person in, "then we put four feet of dirt." And then I guess they wait. And I wanna be there when that second person goes in. You know, so I can be like, king me. You know what I'm saying? I just need, you can move freely after that. That's your best move. (audience laughing) Why stop at 10 feet go 20 feet down put your whole family, just play connect four. Do whatever you like. It's Iowa. (audience laughing) I told that joke in a little Baptist church last week, it did not go well. This lady came down to the front and after the show, "I would never have "a double-decker grave plot, sir." I'm like, Ma'am I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. She's like, "I'm not offended, "but my husband's not saved. "So if I die first, "and they put him on top, "and the dead in Christ try to rise, "He's blocking me. And look, that's just, (audience laughing) that's just science, y'all. (audience laughing) Something about me, this year I've lost about 50 pounds, I'm pretty proud of that. 50 pounds this year. (audience cheering) Working on it. Still wearing dark colors, and untucking, this is phase two. (audience laughing) I did the low carb diet, anyone ever do the low carb thing? Is that a thing here, keto? It's a lot of cheese and butter and meat. You can lose weight. It's amazing. It's like, you just stay away from the carbs, and the bread, and the starches and the happiness, all of that. And then you can lose weight. It sounds like Disneyland, for fat people. That first week they're explaining it to you. You're like, I can have a six egg omelet with bacon, fried in an inch of hog lard, and lose weight? Sign me up slim Hallelujah. Let's go. That's week one. I'm in week 12, y'all, week 12's different. 'Cause I've lost some weight. And also, I want to murder my family. (audience laughing) Turns out carbohydrates is what's holding civilization together. In case you're wondering what was doing it. (audience laughing) That's right. This whole North Korea thing, could be solved with a Crescent roll. I'm telling you guys, (audience laughing) Kim Jong-un just needs some pancakes. He's hangry. Okay? (audience laughing) One thing about losing the weight, my snoring has gotten a lot better. My wife's happy about that. My snoring was getting so bad. I woke up one day a few months ago, my wife was in the next room, I was like, are we that couple now? She's like, "I can't, it's too loud." I was like, do I have the Apnoea? People are dying from that sleep Apnoea? I go, do I have that? She goes, "I don't know what that is." I said, do I stop breathing, in the middle of the night? She said, "No, I wish." (audience laughing) That's hateful. Snoring's bad, though. Even worse than the snoring though, ya'll I have what's called night terrors. Does anyone know what night terrors is? Anybody have that? That's not cool. I'm like seeing stuff in the room, you know, you think the nightmare is over, but oh no, it's going on. I'm punching and strangling, and it's my wife. It's bad news y'all. it's no good. (audience laughing) And she does this, maybe some of you ladies do this you hang your outfit on the door, for the next day. You need to stop doing that. You're scaring people. (audience laughing) I wake up, it's like shirts, skirt, shoes in the shape of a person. I said you need to stop. She said, "There's nothing "on top, you moron." I said, which one is scarier to you, okay? A stranger in my room at night, or a stranger in my room at night with no head wearing my wife's clothes? (audience laughing) It's terrifying. She started taking this stuff at night y'all, to sleep called ZzzQuil. Have y'all seen this ZzzQuil liquid? From the makers of NyQuil. 'Cause what, NyQuil ain't already 80 proof? What are we doing? Here's the commercial. If you've never seen it before. Hey, let's say you're not sick at all, (audience laughing) but you just want to lay down for a long, long time. ZzzQuil. I was like, sweetie, call it what it is, all right? Booze and snooze. That's what it is. Teetotaller get outta here. She's cool though, man. I'm trying to learn to give better gifts, you know, anniversary's just passed. I noticed this, Facebook and these social media sites, they know our special days. They start sending you ads, have you seen these targeted ads? The week of my anniversary, I got this one, maybe you've seen it, for $59, you can name a star after a loved one. Ya'll see this? Name a star for $59. I was like, yeah or for $0. (audience laughing) I can just tell her I did. (audience laughing) You got an inkjet printer, you can make up all kind of certificates. That's what I found out. I got Christmas taken care of. You see that one that says alpha Centauri? That one's uncle Jimmy now. (audience laughing) I love you. One thing I'm trying to get better at for real, be more present in my marriage. And that means, like, cell phones gotta go, man, it's too controlling. I was in the bathroom the other day, doing my business. Suddenly, I realized I ain't got my cell phone with me. Y'all have that panic attack yet? I was like, what am I gonna do now? I was grabbing any reading material, shampoo bottle conditioner bottle, whatever, I was playing Tetris with the floor tiles, (audience laughing) and then I grabbed the Q-tip box. Anybody ever read the Q-tip box? Don't do it. It'll shake you to your very core. You read that box, you realize, I've been cleaning my ears wrong for decades. Here's what it says. If you've never read it before. The Q-tip box says this, do not insert Q-tip into ear canal. (audience laughing) I was like pardon me? Now I've been cleaning my ears for 30 years, and by that, I mean, I stick a Q-tip all the way into my ear until I touch what I can only imagine is my brain. (audience laughing) And then I twist it 'til I go cross-eyed, (audience laughing) and I pull it out and pray there's not blood. That's how you use a Q-tip where I come from. (audience clapping) That's right. (audience clapping) It's a fun job. I grew up, I never knew I'd be a comedian, I grew up a pretty awkward kid, I was painfully shy, and people always wanna know what the W's about. What's Johnny W.? It's short for my last name. I just shortened it. Make it easier for everybody. I have a hard to pronounce last name, so I just shortened it down. Make it easier. My last name is Baxter and . . . No, my last name is Wethington, which seems easy. Wethington. But I get Washington, Wellington, Lichtenstein. That's a weird one. The worst was third grade. I was at a new school. Anybody have a hard to pronounce last name here you know my pain. If the teacher gets it wrong calling roll, you're gonna get mocked the whole year. She gets to the W's, I'm sending her telepathic messages, please get it right, I can't deal. Wethington, Wethington. She's like, "Okay Walker? "Okay, Watson? Okay. "Weigh a ton? (audience laughing) "Weigh a ton." I'm in the back, Can I just head home now, and develop an eating disorder? Thanks so much, you're the greatest. (audience laughing) Was a chubby kid in middle school, for sure. I had asthma, anybody have asthma here tonight? Hold your inhalers high. Don't be ashamed. I loved the asthma, it was great, man. That little asthma note from my doctor, that was my get out of gym free cards what that was. Just handed it over, there you go. That's your copy. Okay. It's laminated. Yeah, I got lots more. I'm going to have a seat. Oh, we're climbing the big rope today, I don't think so. I will not be getting friction burns on my crotch. I'm going to have a seat and wheeze to myself. That was eighth grade. Then ninth grade came. Suddenly it was the high school PE teacher. He wasn't having it. What is this? Asthma? I can cure asthma. I was like, you can what? His cure for asthma y'all he made me run, what's called suicides, you guys know what that is? Suicides? It's a horrifying series of wind sprints. They call it suicides. I don't know who named that, but let me tell you something, if you make a little fat kid, run back and forth until he dies, that is homicide. That is not. (audience laughing) They will prosecute you. Pretty sure, pretty sure. (audience cheering) But that wasn't even the worst day in gym class, by far the worst day was the first gym class of 10th grade. That was the day, of the president's physical fitness challenge. Do they do that here? - [Audience] Yeah. - They gotta stop. It's like the Hunger Games. (audience laughing) He'd line us up, "Everybody take a minute, "get a buddy, "We're going to time each other "everybody take a minute "get yourself a buddy." I was like, I don't need a minute, I don't have a buddy. Okay, I'm the shyest kid here. I look up, everybody's got a buddy, but me. Mortified. I look at the end of the bleachers, there's a girl sitting by herself. I don't even know her. Is she even in my class? But it doesn't matter, because they're not gonna put a girl with me. They did. "Come on down here, Sally, "it's fine. "You'll be with Johnny, come on. "Now, you gonna time Johnny, "okay? He gon' do pushups "for a minute, time it, counting, "jumping jacks. "You're gonna count them time. "Then you're going to hold his feet, (audience laughing) "and he gonna do sit-ups "for a minute." Yeah, that turned pretty quickly, into a game of how many times can Johnny fart into the face of a stranger, (audience laughing) before she begins to cry? (audience laughing) The answer is 17, 17 times, is the number of times. (audience laughing) I liked being a kid other than that story. I liked being a kid growing up, man. It's fun stuff at church. Now kids have all the cool stuff at church, I mean trunk or treat, anybody ever heard of that? Trunk or treat? I didn't know what this was, my church did it. I was so excited, man. Reach our community and whatever it was awesome watching my pastor explain it to the older people, the week before. He gets on the mic, "Now we know we don't live in "the same time we grew up in, "We can't be out there, "knocking on strange people's doors, "It's not safe. "What we're gonna do, "we're gonna get all the automobiles "in the parking lot, "in the dark, "decorate 'em, "we're going to teach kids "that car trunks, "may be full of delicious candy. "Hallelujah. (audience laughing) "where'd everybody go?" (audience laughing) My wife and I, we don't have kids, That's something about us, We have been praying about it. All the people at my church have been adopting, we're like, maybe that's for us. And we just finalized the process, we're going to be adopting this year. That's pretty cool. Thank you very much. (audience cheering) Thanks very much. Excited. Very exciting. We are adopting a highway. And it's going to be great. (audience laughing) I like giving back. We have one son, Miles. He's very tall. (audience laughing) It's hard to know if you're ready to be a parent, I have such respect for parents. I really do, man. And I'm an uncle, like, nobody claps when you say you're an uncle and they shouldn't, there's no responsibility as an uncle. You know? My little nephew Josh, gets dropped off, you know, couple of times a month, my brother is like, "We need a date night. "Please watch him for a few hours." Sure, man. He's just five, you know? But I only have two rules, as an uncle. Don't be creepy. Keep him alive. That is it. That second one's hard, man. He's mischievous. Anybody have a mischievous child, you know what I'm talking about? Here's how you can tell okay. If your child smiles, and it causes strangers to be like, well he is precious. But when you see that same smile, you're like, Oh no. (audience laughing) he has put the cat in the dryer again. (audience laughing) It's Josh, he's getting into stuff. The other day, he's in the yard playing with the neighbor kids. I'm watching him, you know, like a good uncle, from the second story window, You know, having some Zyquil. I look down, he's going into my tool shed, brings back a can of gold spray paint. I'm like, oh boy, here we go. But it's got the child safe lid on it. I'm feeling fine. 'Til one his friends goes into his dad's tool shed, brings back a hammer. I see him motion to Josh, hit it with this. You know, now I'm a parent. I run down there, put a stop to that immediately. But I'm an uncle. I was like, let's see what happens. (audience clapping) Y'all, he hit that can, he was instantly gold. It's amazing how fast a person can become gold. He was so shiny, he comes in all upset, I'm supposed to comfort him you know. I'm like get up here buddy, you're okay. I would like to thank the Academy, (audience clapping) Trying to eat better on the road, that's one thing about me, man. People want to make you food sometimes, you know? You're a guest in their home, on the road, As a comic. That's interesting. This one guy wanted to make me lobster, I was like, well, I've had lobster at restaurants. I know the whole thing. You pick it in the tank and then go back. You don't know what happens, but you know you know it was alive then, you know, it's different, man. This dude was five feet from me in the kitchen. I heard the sound of a lobster going down into the pot. This whistling screaming sound came out. I was like, I'm out of here. He comes out all defensive, "Johnny, settle down. "First of all, that's not a scream. "That's just a physiological reaction. "That's air escaping, "air is escaping." I said that's what a scream is. (audience laughing) We're weird about food, it depends on if the animal's cute. That's our rule. You know? Like, I'll prove it to you. We changed the name of the meat, the cuter the animal gets. Have you noticed that? That's a weird coping mechanism. Like chicken meat's just chicken, fish meat's just fish. Why? They're ugly and beady eyed, kick them in the face. We don't care. (audience laughing) We get to cows and something happens. We're like, cows are cute. Look at him. Beef. This one's beef now. It's what's for dinner. This isn't deer, venison enjoy that. Venison, made up that word for you. This isn't raccoon, this is a McRib. We change the names. (audience clapping) Some of y'all like, is that true? We don't know, This is true. University of Texas. A couple of years ago, one of the chemistry majors, did a study on all the chemicals, in some of the fast food. Right? It made national news because she found an ingredient in McRibs, also used to make exercise mats. That's true. That's so gross. And if you're in here tonight, and you eat McRibs, you're probably like, WHAT is an exercise mat? (audience clapping) Play a little music for you. Well this is fun, man. Well, I got married very young, I know . . . anyone else here married very young in life? I was nine. My wife was six. Anybody beat that? Tennessee's different. No I was 21, my wife had just turned 19, there's an energy though, man, if you're married young, I saw a couple of hands go up, man, I'm telling you, there's an energy, to being married young. It's like, we're going to live on love. It's us against the world. It's super dumb. And so, (audience laughing) this is a song I wrote about that, it's a song I wrote about living on love. (guitar music playing) ♪ Baby we got ♪ ♪ all we need to survive ♪ ♪ 'cause we got each other ♪ ♪ And we're doing and just fine ♪ ♪ So take my hand and ♪ ♪ walk through the night ♪ ♪ 'Cause we got enough to bear us ♪ ♪ the rest of our lives ♪ ♪ As long as we die by Tuesday ♪ (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Thanks. Congratulations and good luck. I love doing comedy in clubs and events like this are so fun man, I do a lot of corporate events too companies will bring in, do big parties and stuff, sometimes you never know what you're going to get with a corporate event. I did a hunting and fishing expo, in Fort Smith, Arkansas last month. And I don't recommend it. I walk out, it was 500 people in the dark. head to toe camouflage, all of them camouflage. I didn't know what to do. I was like, I almost didn't see you there. Nothing. I got nothing from these people. (audience laughing) It wasn't a cool stage either like this with the cool curtain and stuff. It was like a sheet metal screwed to the wall, and then deer and elk head screwed to the sheet metal. Just staring at me the whole time. They had a stuffed Turkey, a wild turkey at the mic stand just. (audience laughing) Not supposed to acknowledge this turkey, just tell my jokes, like it's not there, I felt like that turkey's story needed to be told. (audience laughing) So I wrote a song for those guys that night. I thought I'd tell it for y'all here. This is my turkey song. And I hope you enjoy it, but I'm really not counting on it. (guitar music playing) ♪ Mmmh ♪ ♪ yeeeah ♪ ♪ aaaah he's got a gun ♪ The next song I wanna do, (audience clapping) There's another verse, but we don't have time. (audience laughing) I noticed country music starting to get into my life now, and you live in Nashville long enough, you're just inundated with country. I didn't really grow up on it, but now, man, it's in my soul. And this is a song I'm working on for my wife. It's our 25 year anniversary coming up, and so I thought I'd play it for y'all. You can tell me if I'm on the right track. (guitar music playing) ♪ They say that feelings fade away ♪ ♪ Just like the morning dew ♪ ♪ But honey, they don't understand ♪ ♪ the way I care for you ♪ ♪ And even in our golden years ♪ ♪ We'll never call it quits ♪ ♪ When we're old ♪and wearing diapers ♪ ♪ Wearing depends with benefits ♪ (great guitar music) (audience laughing) That's all I have so far, thank you That one's going to be called, I won't let you change me. It's brand new. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I like country, though, it's very sincere country music. You're wearing your heart on your sleeve. You say what you mean, mean what you say. you know, you're learning from the older generation, in these country songs, they're passing down wisdom. You go to the fishing hole with Papa. He teaches you a life lesson. Beautiful. But I didn't really have that kind of relationship with my grandparents. They were kind of creepy cookie people, (audience laughing) I don't know if anyone can relate. This is as far as I've gotten, on my family song. It goes, ♪ These days we're in a hurry ♪ ♪ No one takes the time to listen ♪ ♪ If we ever stopped ♪ ♪ and looked around ♪ ♪ we'd see what ♪ ♪ we've been missing ♪ ♪ Like Saturdays at grandma's ♪ ♪ The whole family gathered round ♪ ♪ We loved to hear those stories ♪ ♪ As we sat there on the ground ♪ ♪ She'd tell us ♪ ♪ 'bout the good old days ♪ ♪ And before she was through ♪ ♪ she'd offer up some free advice ♪ ♪ And most of it rang true ♪ ♪ She said try your best ♪ ♪ Hold your head up high ♪ ♪ Win or lose ♪ ♪ And don't judge a man ♪ ♪ Until you've walked a mile ♪ ♪ in his shoes ♪ ♪ and you have to wear ♪ ♪ this tin foil hat ♪ ♪ Or the government ♪ ♪ will read your thoughts ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ That's when we realized ♪ ♪ that Nana might be crazy ♪ I gotta finish that. (audience cheering) Y'all are so sweet. I like country, I do. Give me seventies country, though. This new stuff, whatever man. Seventies, give me Merle Haggard. Give me Johnny Cash. Give me some Dolly, Hank Williams, that's country. You know what I mean? This new stuff, you love new country. That's fine. To me, It's just dudes wearing girl's jeans, writing love songs to their truck. It's not cool. (audience laughing) They're just stringing cliches together, over a beat, calling it country, it ain't. You turn on new country radio, on your way home tonight, you hear a song like this. ♪ She never heard ♪ ♪ The word impossible ♪ ♪ She ain't familiar with regret ♪ ♪ She don't know the meaning ♪ ♪ of many words at all ♪ ♪ She's stupid ♪ (audience laughing) That's offensive. (audience laughing) Well, I grew up a very random child, I was always just saying random things, random thoughts come into my head. I was always, anybody like that, you have a random child in your family, And maybe if you don't, then you're the one. (audience laughing) I was always called like an old soul, anybody ever called an old soul? That means you're a weirdo. That's what that is. That's code language. And I was always the random kid, man. And I still have random thoughts come into my head today. They have no place in my show, you know, or society. And so, so what I do with those, I put them with music, and I'll leave you this. This is what I call the joke medley and we'll see how it goes. (guitar music playing) On Easter Sunday I like to take my offering and put it in a tiny plastic egg make the usher search the room for it . (audience laughing) Some are y'all are like, I'm doing that next year. That's happening (audience laughing) Do dermatology conferences have breakout sessions? (audience laughing) (guitar playing) I think the slogan for Immodium ad should be, "Do yourself a solid." (audience laughing) (guitar playing) That one was gross, I apologize. (guitar playing) As a teenager, I was really awkward around girls. I wasn't someone you would call, someone you would call. (audience laughing) (guitar playing) I hate when somebody uses the phrase, "That's not really my cup of tea." Because I realize, I've just poisoned the wrong person. (audience laughing) (guitar playing) So my dad was a conjoined twin. (audience laughing) That's not the joke, man. (audience laughing) You got a lot of nerve. (guitar music playing) So my dad was a conjoined twin. We used to refer to his brother as my uncle on my father's side. (audience laughing) (guitar playing) It's all right guys, settle down. It's fine. They were surgically separated. Now he's my uncle once removed. (audience laughing) That was the joke. Thank you very much. (audience cheering) Tremendous. (audience cheering) Thank you very much. (audience cheering) I'll leave you with this. People always wanna know, what's your favorite thing about being a comedian? I love the rental car. It's a weird thing. I love the rental car, man. My favorite thing about the rental car is the radio. I'll leave it on the presets. I want to hear what songs are going on in the radio stations in the towns I'm in. Hear my dumb phone songs for the thousandth time. So I pump up the radio on the presets. I was driving through today, it's freezing cold out, I didn't care. 'Cause I heard a song I'd never heard before. I was like, this is my jam. I rolled down the windows, the traffic light pumped up the jam. And it was a radio commercial. Does that ever happen to anybody else? You just feel manipulated and sad, you know? It always starts off great. And it was like, (guitar music playing) ♪ I want. I need ♪ ♪ I want. I need ♪ I was like, yes do it. Then it was like, ♪ Two all beef patties ♪ ♪ special sauce, lettuce ♪ ♪ Cheese, pickles, onions ♪ ♪ on a Sesame seed bun ♪ Dang it. (audience cheering) And now I'm starving. (audience laughing) And this is where advertising is headed. We gotta know that. We're the TiVo generation we're the DVR people. We're fast forwarding through the commercials at home. Right? I got a DVR at home. It's full of shows, I'll never get a chance to watch, I'm always traveling. You know, they're piling up on there. I love that show hoarders, but I can't delete them. I might need them. You don't know. You don't know. (audience laughing) But these radio people are the worst, they trick you make it sound like a song. You listen longer, they draw you in, you know? So you may hear this one on your way home too. (guitar music playing) ♪ Trapped in this place I know ♪ ♪ So well, my home ♪ ♪ is like a prison cell ♪ ♪ And it feels like ♪ ♪ I can't breathe anymore ♪ ♪ She comes inside ♪ ♪ and dries my eyes ♪ ♪ And takes my hand ♪ ♪ We walk outside ♪ ♪ And I can breathe ♪ ♪ for the first time ♪ ♪ Allegra, call your doctor please ♪ ♪ Allegra, for seasonal allergies ♪ ♪ Allegra ♪ ♪ if pollen makes you sneeze ♪ ♪ Don't be afraid of trees ♪ ♪ Just take two of these, Allegra ♪ (audience cheering) I'm Johnny W. God bless you guys.

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Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,213,750

Rating: undefined out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jonnie W, Jonnie W Dry Bar Comedy, Jonnie W Comedy, Jonnie W Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, United States, Keto Diet, High School gym, Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Iowa, the worst states, dbc

Id: sXlKLu36P4M

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 25min 24sec (1524 seconds)

Published: Tue May 18 2021