Women Can Make Anything An Insult. K-Von - Full Special

some of you know what i'm talking about can you turn a compliment into an argument that's what i want to know [Applause] i i live in los angeles california and uh every new idea that comes out of there they adopted immediately and i'm a little more conservative like the new one is any man that says they're a woman immediately you must address him as a woman and i'm progressive i'm like all right but they should have to pass a test first because women have skills men don't have you can't just say i'm a woman do something a woman can do then i'll believe you right can you break into my iphone and the time i go to the bathroom and come back to the dinner table just something basic can you be totally starving but have no idea what you want to eat some of you know what i'm talking about can you turn a compliment into an argument that's what i want to know [Applause] it's like babe you look beautiful tonight so i didn't look beautiful last night you're good you are good you look so photogenic so i don't look beautiful in real life actually i believe there's so many things women can do better than guys women can do things here's one example that i was at the mall with my nephew babysitting i'm just walking through the mall and a woman i didn't know pulled up a knee she goes is that your son i go no it's my nephew and she she without any hesitation she's he is adorable what's your name you are so cute marcus when you turn 18 i'm coming back for you you're a little heartbreaker save him for me and she walked went back to shopping i challenge any man in this room [Music] any guy go to the mall just approach a woman you don't know is that your niece can i have a word with her please wow when you turn 18 i'm coming back for you save her for me that's a good one you don't get to walk out of the mall they escort you out of them i was just talking to kids that's right r kelly tell it to the judge there's things women can do how about it's valentine's day or maybe your girl misses you and she sends you a romantic picture you're like whoa you're excited maybe it's been a long day at work ooh can't wait to get home she misses me women can send those romantic pictures but men if you send a picture of you laying in the beach rolling around in the sand bending over in a speedo when are you coming home babe you're not gonna get a positive reaction a lot of guys are getting busted for taking those romantic pictures here's what i do i turn this show into a ted talk i teach men how to take the best most seductive picture for the women in this room here's what you do guys go home get in the closet and put all your clothes on your best clothes don't take anything off put on your dress shoes dress socks dress pants belt shirt tie suit coat briefcase make it look like you're going to work if you really want to turn around let your 401k dangle out of the front of the briefcase just a little tip just a little tip all right i want to start off with something i saw on dr phil anybody watch dr phil i was watching dr phil he said you can tell how smart a crowd is if they'll do something with you a little audience interaction so we're gonna do this everyone put your thumb up on one side right there thumb up then put your pinky towards the thumb on the other yeah there we go some of you having trouble with this part already all right here we go okay i feel bad for that guy right there look at you hold your hand up he goes dude what is this dude what is this okay this means nothing to you but the rest of you thumb up pinky to the thumb now here's what dr phil said you could tell how smart a crowd is by how quickly they can switch it [Laughter] are you getting this we have a very special crowd tonight in utah [Music] we're going to keep the jokes real dumb for you tonight are we feeling good yes bottom of the barrel nice and easy uh but we do feel good i feel good i know i'm getting older but i'm not old and there's little signs that we're getting older every day like when you go to buy a flight you have to pick the year you were born on that stupid spin dial yeah i used to not mind i see some young people you don't mind you're right there on the default there i go there's my birthday that was me not long ago but lately it's been a little bit of a i don't like that boo if some of you aren't laughing your arms are crossed because young people have good lives we have a bad memory to go with every single one of those years oh that's when the stock market crashed should have sold my home there that's when you know who got elected we all have a bad memory but be positive you know i feel bad for my grandmother i had to buy a flight for her that was like i was on the price's right wow got on the wheels we went and had lunch came back it was still spinning you gotta age gracefully that's why i've decided you know wrinkles are coming in i'm gonna leave them i'm a man i'm gonna have wrinkles i'm gonna use them for good if anybody needs help getting around town i'm just gonna use it like a road map where are you trying to go player where you want to go the airport los angeles make a left on manchester you'll find it you get lost come see my forehead no big deal right that's right i can't wait to go bald helping people around the globe it doesn't matter right sir yes no big deal that's right because i did i did the most amazing show recently i was on a yacht on mother's day for 150 mothers in orange county california newport beach on a yacht going around the harbor and it was beautiful and the women were beautiful and i was the only man on the cruise picture that 150 orange county moms and me and it felt good they laughed at my jokes and i knew if the yacht were to sink those women would float have you been to orange county [Music] if they'd been on the titanic jack would have survived orange county women they come with their own flotation devices they just be waiting for help to arrive just wait wait some of not all of them not some of them float different just but that's still sea level they're okay they're okay the only ones i was worried about are the younger ones they flow different [Applause] sun's out buns out yeah those mothers were beautiful and one of the moms i go how old are you she goes i won't tell you my age but i'm about 25 years older than you are i go mike you look younger than me she goes well i have a spa you should come to my day spa and i'm going to do a treatment for you now i would never do something like this but she said my favorite word free so i go in there and she goes we're going to do cryogenic face freezing for you i've never even heard that she goes here's what it is she basically blew a blow dryer on my face full of dry ice one minute she goes that would have been 60 bucks what did you think i said that would have been a rip-off she goes what do you mean that's a really good treatment i was like no cause i'm older now i'm smart i know you get the same experience at costco in the produce section you know what i'm talking about where's my both members that's what's up go in there in the summer do your whole body for 65 you get a sample on the way out you're good yeah that's what i like you get wisdom when you get older so i don't mind like the other day i invited a girl over to netflix and chill and that's all we did it was awesome one thing i don't like about getting older is the fashion keeps moving forward every generation wants to have their own fashion and now the skinny jeans are the thing and look at these pants some of you mocked them when i came out look at those pants i didn't design these i bought them this is what they offer i'm from the 90s we wore cargo pants back then any men still wear cargo pants any real men yeah see real men wear cars where's the men wearing skinny jeans where are you at yeah and the rest wants a clap but they're too tight it's like i can't even it's painful real men wear cargo pants if you called a plumber and he showed up in skinny jeans would you trust that man it looks yucky to me too not one of these cargo pants man get in there i'll fix this for you you'll be back at this toilet in no time that's what you need a fireman a police officer the military cargo pants that was me in the 90s i had so many pockets i don't even know what to do with all the pockets one time i moved from one apartment to the other just with my pants i don't even need a u-haul budget truck got my futon my big screen tv potted plants everything was in those pants man i miss those and you got to understand like i was like a young guy i was like puka shell necklace wearing dude with a button-down shirt going to the club but baggy i was boy band up top gangster rapper down below and i felt good because at the club you could dance with cargo pants and even if you didn't know how to dance the pants covered up all that footwork you didn't have to know the girl's like you're good it's like no you just can't see what's going on under here this is horrible i feel like ellen degeneres what is it with these pants you got to know what you're doing on the dance floor plus when you put them on as a man you don't feel very good when women put on tight pants you feel fierce ready to take over the club yeah that's right she's wearing them i feel fierce when men put on skinny jeans we're making decisions the whole way up all right what's going down the left what's going down the right it's going to be there for you guys a little while i expected that you got to make decisions and then you look in the mirror and you feel feminine immediately when you wear skinny jeans you can't help it that's why it's called h m put them on you're like hmm these are the pants you're saying why are you wearing them because i perform for college kids then comedy clubs and cruise ships so i do the whole thing but for the kids you want to look like them but i don't like these pants when you go to the club back in the day you had your cargo pants listen up children we used to wear cargo pants at the club and you were a better man because a girl be like babe i'm dancing it's so much fun i want you to hold my lip gloss you're like give me that i got a pocket for that right there you could hold her lip gloss baby give me your key chains i got that right over here pow i got moisturizer i got visine i had a pharmacy in my pants everything was in there girl you look thirsty take a water you can keep that one i got i got a whole 24 pack again i'm good just dance all night you were an extension of her purse i think it's a conspiracy theory to take men's power away because now that we're wearing skinny jeans we're not valuable anymore we go to the club ladies you're like babe hold my lip gloss you're like i don't got no room for that you want to equal rights this is what it looks like [Applause] you fought for this remember comedy is under attack uh people get offended and there's a new culture out there who can get offended first and for other people and that's the weirdest thing in the world i had that at a show i did once there was a blind gentleman in the front row and i was teasing the blind guy and he was having a great time after the show he said most people ignore that i'm even there so thank you for making me feel like a part of it and that's where his head was at but during the show i'm teasing the blind guy and a woman in the back is like excuse me i'm offended i'm like what why are you because don't talk to him anymore i'm offended for the blind gentleman i'm like you're offended for he's laughing he's facing the wrong way but he's laughing and to his credit this is the best part i go do you know her he goes i've never seen her a day in my life yes that guy was a good dude i blame i blame the next generation because they're offended by everything now they've never been through a war a draft anything i'm part of that generation too but we gotta knock off the sensitivity we have to because honestly they get offended now about cyber bullies that's the big thing talk to any student what's the worst problem you're facing cyber bullies it's horrible they can pick on you on the internet oh really our generation had real bullies they pulled our real underwear up our real butt crack yeah it really hurt you know you don't have to pull a twitter out of your snapchat at the end of the school [Music] cyber bullies i got bullied a lot because i look like a guy who can fight but i can't so the bully would naturally pick on me ladies don't be confused these muscles will not defend you these are for looks these are designer muscles that's what these are yeah these are for starbucks they're not for tai chi they're for chai tea that's what you do with it even the exercises i do cannot help me in a fight like i do the crossfit stuff you get those those battle ropes have you seen those guys i'm one of them i'm good at that that's not gonna help me in a fight like with this dude the biggest dude in the room sat him in the front ruined the view for 14 robertson who sat this room and just to mock you he put his hair bigger what are you going to do about and we're not going to do anything like if he came to fight me what am i going to wait to look at your shoelaces that ain't even gonna work cause he's wearing sandals give me this thing right here give me the i am defenseless against this man he's a good sport [Applause] he's a good sport [Music] but at least i go to the gym dr phil also said if you want to build the bond with someone you're dating go to the gym together it'll make your relationship stronger i went to the gym with a girl i was dating we broke up immediately after that everything i wanted to do she was telling me no it was crazy i was like let's do some pull-ups well let's do something over here finally go all right let's do 10 push-ups we'll go home she's like i'm definitely not doing that i go 10 push-ups why not she goes i don't want to get huge shoulders and chest muscles thank you i was like it doesn't work like that people work their whole life to look like that she thinks she's gonna be like one two three four hit she can't even get to ten five six yeah yeah look what you did to me i told you it wasn't safe now uh i'd be like oh my goodness you were right i told you now i have to join the bodybuilding competitions move to california become an action star i didn't want to do that and then i'm like well look at your neck is that a tumor it's not a tumor [Applause] oh man i'm glad you guys laughed at me my name is kayvon that's my real name i believe i got into comedy because of my family my dad is from the middle east his name is eraj yeah and they're funny without even knowing it my dad's name is irad she has a brother named turaj i'm like what if they would have more boys three rads four rags five rats six and my dad has a thick accent he's always like thanks god you are here thanks god you're laughing thanks god i'm like dad don't take the h out of thanks you turn it into tanks it's so weird when he takes the h out of words it's always at the worst time one time i was playing video games at home with my friends my dad came in the room turned off the nintendo and lectured us he's like in iran i studied hard i did not play video i work hard i graduated third in my class i'm like did he just turn third into turd what my friends were laughing you were turd yes i lost earth it wasn't easy to be turned i had to push and push and earn that turd all by myself i'm just hiding in the corner like dad stop you weren't turned i was hurt one guy tried to take my turret but i work hard for turret i became third i made that guy fart [Applause] yes you might think fart is okay but fart comes and goes third you have something to show for what you are i'm like that i am in third grade right now please stop the lecture the other day i laughed at something i probably shouldn't have that's usually the best kind of laugh because you didn't mean to do it i was on the treadmill jogging and there was a mexican guy next to me on the treadmill going to leave the gym threw his backpack on three oranges fell out i thought it was hilarious my friend said why are you laughing like a mexican guy had oranges in his backpack he said that's racist when that word comes out i have to defend myself immediately i said it's not racist and i can prove it i would have laughed no matter what came out of anybody's backpack he goes what are you talking about i go if he'd been hawaiian and three pineapples flew out that would have been funny too that's right he could have been irish that had been even better three potatoes came out that would be i'd just be dodging them all like that little river dance right and that became a metaphor for life i think we all have our own backpack and we could just laugh about what's in it right we got italian people here tonight what would come out of our italian friends backpack meatballs spaghetti handgun forget about it whatever you know we got asian people what comes out of our asian friends backpack you guys are good at this right sushi i was thinking homework and calculators okay guys i'm going a little too far and you can just play this all along i'm persian people y'all kebob pagers gold chains a rug it doesn't matter it's just funny and it's not racist because the funniest one i thought of is not even a person of color the funniest one i thought of is a russian dude we all know what came out of a russian dude's backpack not vodka smaller russian guy with even smaller backpack would fly up he throws backpack even smaller russian guy all the way down to little baby russian with a little baby backpack so as a group we're laughing we're having fun we're not racist thank you for laughing everybody [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,729,876

Rating: 4.8967385 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, K-Von, K-Von Dry Bar Comedy, K-Von Comedy, K-Von Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, MGTOW, DBC, Women, Women Have Skills, skilled women, big muscles, skinny jeans, designer muscles, middle east

Id: t_YyrMV7SuE

Length: 21min 4sec (1264 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 23 2021