Canada Is Building A Wall. Dylan Mandlsohn - Full Special

don't you add me to this devil conversation you're having right now wow we're in utah this is my first time here everybody my very first time in utah and i've learned that this is a very exciting evening for you guys you like i like to talk to people from utah and i say so do you do you have fun here in utah you get a little defensive like we have fun we have fun you know we'll break out a game of twister occasionally a couple of those legs and arms get a little close to each other isn't that right susan oh don't you add me to this devil conversation you're having right now you and him i don't want to know about it i'm i'm not from these parts i'm from canada oh well thank you but we're building a wall sorry about that one we're making you pay for it yeah i think it's adorable what so many americans don't know about canada did you guys know that we celebrate thanksgiving on a different day did you know that i was talking to a woman in the states that freaked when i told her she's like get out do you celebrate christmas on a different day too i'm not kidding i said yes yes we do in canada jesus a gemini so fun every time i tell people from america from canada especially on stage immediately how's it going arie you're like you do it do i sound like i have an accent to you guys i'll tell you because if you think i do i challenge you to get on a greyhound bus travel your country see how many straight talking english people you come across why don't you start in minnesota oh man i thought i ate we're gonna have a fun tater tot time with this girl i'll tell you that much aren't we susan oh you betcha betsy you have beautiful cities with beautiful sounding names that your accent's butcher i was in lexington kentucky a few people were like hey man a few of us were going who you want to come like well yeah we'll just go whoo did you just stop speaking english there for a second you don't mean louisville do you a beautiful sounding city i go to louisville i don't know if i go you know in the history of that city foreign people have visited it they've had to learn the correct pronunciation of people from england all right ladies and gentlemen please protrude your tongue as far out your mouth as you can and make a sound you've knocked her window probably let's crack on drop it i love your country i do you know my favorite you know my favorite accent alabama oh have you guys have you done have you been to alabama row tide exactly you can't say alabama without someone going rotate especially in alabama you say it alabama it's like alabama tourette's i was on a cruise ship i performed in out of alabama god forbid that that cruise got taken over by a group of terrorists but we all had great hiding spots all that terrorists would have to do is go alabama what the heck are you doing what's that alabama what the heck was i supposed to do [Laughter] where you're going to get us here all right i can't say it i not say it yep i love it here it's you know i and i the only thing that is not fun is getting into your country god your border security man i was like i was coming over here and i was wearing a hat and i wear a hat when i travel because i'm getting a sunburn right now like you i showed my passport to the security guard who would take your hat off like why because i need to identify you you're looking right at me man would you be shocked if i took my hat off and i was a black guy like what's he thinking here i am oh where'd i go here i am where'd i go here i am where'd i go this guy's supposed to protect your country he hasn't even mastered peek-a-boo yeah i've been performing on all the cruises have you guys have you done one yeah it's funny it's great so you travel you get out of utah do you get out of provo where we're at right now yeah do you just pack your bags and just head to salt lake or something like that do you guys do that i'll tell you for those of you that haven't done a cruise i'm going to tell you something the amount of food on one cruise could end world hunger it's phenomenal so you got to know that cruises tend to attract jurassic people i'm talking like dinosaurs and nfl jerseys are grazing these buffets don't you feel that i'm not kidding guys just some of the fattest dumbest people around these cruise ships it's walmart on water was that too much for some of you oh my goodness stop i need cleaner you guys want to know where the most spoiled children on the planet are they're on a disney cruise if you haven't done that one i'm telling you it's like thousands of children that don't deserve it and i'm on stage selling my soul doing mickey mouse impressions for these kids like i'm up here i'm going hey kids why don't the strawberry cross the road just gonna jam that's what i'm doing the butter my bread everything's going fine until this one 11 year old starts heckling me and he's loud this guy sucks doesn't sound like mickey mouse he's got the ears for it and no one working that shit's gonna walk over and talk to this kid and say excuse me there's no talking while the comedian's on stage because disney's attitude is hey this kid's not happy dance monkey dance he's sitting all by himself and he won't shut up finally i looked at him i said well hey well where's the rest of your family he says they're sitting over there so they can't stand you either so don't do disney mormon provo utah now hi everybody no it's good it's great to be here you guys seem like you're in a good mood tonight is that true are you feeling good [Applause] is it because there's no kids in here [Applause] see i've learned children are like farts you don't mind them when they're your own but when there's someone else's they're disgusting actually you guys want to hear something interesting my sister just had her very first baby and she made me the godfather can i tell you ever since i've been calling my sister every day making sure she's eating right sleeping well exercising because i don't want to take care of this kid my new job is to keep her alive but she's spending all the freedom i'm working very hard to keep like you're the new godfather aren't you so excited like i'm gonna make you the godmother of my mortgage and i was the last to know they told me some family function even my parents he's gonna be so excited when you told me he's just gonna be over the moon i look like i got my name called for the hunger games i don't have a skill i can't like my family they don't understand my attitude towards children like they've never been traveling like i do you ever been on an airplane with a screaming baby it's a powerful contraceptive it's a five-hour condom commercial it is like this happened to me on my way over here to utah like i had some two-year-old behind me wouldn't shut up the whole time [Music] everyone's waiting for the parent to do something just sitting there in this exhausted mom coma just and this kid won't shut up everyone around us reading that terrible airplane magazine trying to pretend this isn't happening you could just cry and cry like i smoke a cigarette on this plate even the captain came on yeah this is your pilot speaking i got a shot at jack that smacks that circus in 17c i'll crash the next mountain folks don't push me don't push me you know the worst is when you stare at the parent because that's the only move you have and they try to laugh it off with you like it's not breaking your ears like he's a screamer you know i didn't know what did you do about it i just let him go i think that's the greatest thing you could do okay because you're just like you do you do like this he liked this game i just let him go because i think that's a great [Laughter] why don't you go to a bookstore get something on how to deal with a dysfunctional kid and chuck it at his face [Laughter] so i'm single yeah you guys like yeah no we got that dylan that's not math you need to put on the board or anything we totally understand no it's true uh actually my my last uh girlfriend was american because i'm working on a green card so if there's any uh single gals in here i'd be happy to trade you for some free health care too soon too soon utah sorry too soon [Laughter] yeah well she really wanted to have babies with me and i want money and freedom you care about both no she was relentless too like we'd be at a mall and she's pointing out other people's babies to convince me sweetie look at this face and look how well behaved this baby is dylan i said then honey grab that one because you don't get to pick the one that comes out of you you know that right could be some gollum creature like i've all seen lord of the rings that guy's got parents [Laughter] they get so expensive these babies god they grow up like that and then they go to college it's like super expensive and you got to pick the right education i graduated with a bachelor of arts and drama that's like majoring in welfare [Music] it's by far the worst degree you could get i had a buddy of mine graduate with me today he works at a haunted house but i said i said well hey man hook me up with the job he goes whoa whoa it's not that easy they just hook you up you got to audition like what are they looking for can you say boo how bad was the guy that didn't get that job meow meow i just feel buddy that's all we were looking for like they're only hiring broadway actors to play these ghosts is that how competitive it's getting some guy well i played king lear three years in a row ladies and gentlemen i might want the ghost you'll see oh here comes the people would you like another right poor i continue long continue i find you quite frightened yeah man it's so nice visiting you guys and then i gotta fly back home man i'm not a fan of flying i don't know if we have any airline stewards in here we have to have a meeting with airline stewards their ocd drives me crazy you've been on an airplane like you know how you got to tuck your your bag underneath that front seat they go crazy dirk you got to tuck that in more gotta check that it's like sticking out half an inch we're all gonna die everybody's gonna die sir could you put your window down before it take off captain can't see captain can't see is he looking out of my window so we're about to land just your top button if you could do it up the top unsurfaced for safety i'm a hero i know what i'm talking about and you have a hair sticking out there just mat that down if you could it's in the way of vision sir they're crazy they'll wake you up to put your seatbelt on really that's important on an airplane 250 passengers survived a mountain crash all wearing their seat belts is that what happens when you hit a mountain oh my goodness i almost crashed but i didn't i threw my seat belt stop it that tickles oh my goodness i almost spilled my coke oh i went through the windshield not me i turned my seat belt yeah this last flight was a long one i was told to drink a lot of water because of the air pressure so i listened i had to pee the whole time and had a middle seat which for me is the fetal position normally i would have just gone up and went but the dude that had the aisle was this giant biker and he was sleeping i didn't want to wake him because i like living it was making weird sounds and a snoring too like you've ever a biker snore it's not regular like there's death threats like i'll kill you i'm the king of this prisoner i got this woman has the window doesn't even speak english like i mean i'm trying to vent about what i'm going through she doesn't understand me i sound like an old man at a deli i'm like oh my gosh i gotta be so bad why can't we go any faster what is the traffic in the air maybe there's a bird in the way let's go around the bird is there a manual maybe a co-pilot we can talk to i gotta go oh i don't know i'm getting like macgyver in my head i'm going to leapfrog this guy so i do i stand up i grab my leg and i throw it over this guy's lap and i get stuck this guy's thighs are like tree trunks i'm trying to wedge out he's about to wake up rock a baby right there his eyes open i look at the guy behind him for some help he goes to one of these this biker looks up and goes what the heck are you doing i said i have to pee and i can't move this guy thinks i'm about to unzip and redecorate his denim jacket i made it here finally made it to utah the land of the beautiful blonde it's you guys so pretty [Music] i have a buddy of mine who is like amazing with women and he tries to help me and i don't like it i don't like how he treats women he is a player it bothers me even more that girls fall for him he calls himself chocolate d but watching him work is incredible watching girls fall over this guy right here baby yo how you doing how you doing yo i saw you walking the bar girl thank you for that miniskirt baby thank you for that many skype oh yeah what's your name what's your name [Music] yeah baby later i'm going to take that body back to my place and flip it over baby i am going to leave it over it works i'm at the bar watching this losing my mind i don't care that you women look over at me and go hey look the kid from mad magazine grew up i'll stare right back at you [Laughter] i like how you guys here you very much celebrate religion it's really nice i was not raised religious at all my parents are jewish but i was raised with no religion at all my for hanukkah my parents don't celebrate it i've not gotten one gift for that holiday in my life like i don't think my parents were even jewish like they're cheap catholics [Music] you know my dad still like you know dylan when you die you're going to get judged by saying that i said no i'm not the devil accepts everyone which i think is a nice quality in a person he doesn't judge you shame you blame you criticize you guilt-trip you that's unconditional love by the way i'm not trying to rewrite the bible i'm just saying we may miss something with this particular character he's welcoming each and every one of us yes come in everyone [Music] it's christian's jews utah come in yes was that too much for you guys are you all right yeah i know that's a dangerous impression to do you guys are going to most because some of you are going to leave tonight going oh my god the devil's a jew i've been dylan mandelson thank you guys very much for having me you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 326,410

Rating: 4.7518988 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Dylan Mandlsohn, Dylan Mandlsohn Dry Bar Comedy, Dylan Mandlsohn Comedy, Dylan Mandlsohn Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Canada, Building the wall, Building a wall, Utah, never been to Utah, dbc

Id: p5zCDHgh11w

Length: 22min 2sec (1322 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 14 2021