When You're A White Dude From The Hood. Myles Weber

they got like a gun or a knife i'm like omg jk lol i know i look like a series of white dudes it's like jim carrey and ryan reynolds gave birth to johnny bravo and jimmy neutron was a midwife i came out here and y'all were looking at me like vanilla ice is making this comeback i knew he got tattoos but oh my goodness it's good to be here man i'm originally from a hooded little town in northern california which is actually inside the 707 area code that's why i have this tattoo right here yeah i'm just proud to be from a hood where the area code is also lol upside down that's my favorite part because this is how i maintain my gangster hood man because if this stuff pops off i'm like what 707 till i die son but they got like a gun or a knife i'm like omg jk lol stomping i like growing up where i grew up man i appreciated growing up in the hood because hood kids are some of the most honest people on the planet man brutally honest because of a hood kid i used to think this watch was nice then this little hood girl came up to me one day like why is your watch made out of wood and i told her well that's what gives it a clean look it's actually fancy because it's made out of wood she was like how come my mama don't have a wooden wedding ring then first of all i don't like your tone and second of all girl get off my back about it i'm trying to save the planet this watch is eco-friendly and she was like i don't know who eco is but he sold you an ugly watch a bunch of babies kids man the layout of our hood was weird too right across the street from the hood was the county fairgrounds for the town which was at least cool when the fair was in town because then if you got robbed in the hood you could go to the fair and try and win your stuff back from some of the most ghetto carnival barkers of all time what's up girl you looking good today step right up today's game we're gonna guess your pin number let's do this come on down you can win a brand new your watch come on now you know what's fancy it's made of wood [Music] yeah i had all the jobs working back in the hood man when i was young i worked in retail anybody would ever work retail before that was about the right reaction i worked at target man nothing against target it was cool but they want to cross train you in every department so you were useful at target okay so i wasn't just the cashier i was in guest services i was a cart attendant i was in the gardening center for like a day that was because i don't know nothing about gardening so i was just lying to people all day long this old lady came up to me with this plant like how do you take care of this plant water it and if it starts to die water it less there's a middle ground where you operate in there somewhere [Music] electronics was the department i got fired in though man i know less about electronics than i do about gardening guy came up to me with a camera hey how you work this camera water it and if it starts to dye water it less so i got fired y'all and then i got a job at the amusement park in my hometown we did have an amusement park it was right next to the fair and the hood i was in the costume department i was a part of the ghetto hero league that was my job just a bunch of hood kids and superhero costumes that's all it ended up being we had a cholo cyborg we called him cyborg and we had a weird batman the guy who was playing batman didn't even like batman and so i confronted him about it one day i'm like hey homie you don't like batman why'd you take this job and he was like i always wanted a butler [Laughter] bro we don't even get dental someone lied to you i was the green lantern because look at my head i got a green lantern head and it was an easy job man all you do is just take pictures with the kids and if i wasn't doing that i was backstage watching space jam it was an easy job man that is well within my limitations of what i am capable of doing i like that job but one day i was working and some stuff went down okay they had a superman roller coaster and it got stuck at the top of the loop with a bunch of people on it and it was a big deal man the news showed up the fire department the police i'm standing there in full costume watching this go down like that's a shame and sure enough kid comes running after me green lantern green lantern and i'm like no i'm about to ruin this child's life right now and he was so sincere he was like green lantern why don't you fly up there and save those people and i was like kid i'm on break plus it's not green lantern's roller coaster that's the superman problem you got to find him i will say working around that many kids man did make me realize that i would hate to be in a public place and lose a kid named marco [Laughter] i wish that wasn't a true story y'all one day i was on set doing my thing full costume this lady comes running by marco marco thomas this feels like a trick i don't know if she's like a secret shopper or something i don't want to get fired again i like this job man 20 minutes she's just doing laps around me i'm like lady you got to cover some ground okay have you checked the pool [Laughter] battery you'll find some kids in that pool that are willing to help you find your son here wear this polo don't ask why but now i get to do this for a living man i'm a professional stand-up comedian and man y'all are seeing my dream come true tonight is to just perform for you fine folks so thank you so much for coming out [Applause] it's true man i wanted to do this since i was a kid when i was eight years old i used to sneak out of bed at night and watch george carlin on tv and my parents told me it was too adult don't worry what it is go to bed they wouldn't tell me what was happening on the tv so i did what any kid that wants to know information their parents ain't giving it up does i went to my teacher at school and i was like hey there was a dude talking what was he doing and i never forget what she told me it was one of the most influential things anybody has ever told me in my entire life she looked at me and said oh he's a comedian he gets paid to tell jokes for a living he's funny like you right and i heard that and my wheels started turning and i was like you mean i should have been getting paid this whole time is my check in the mail i have been hilarious miss lady and so the next year we had a talent show and my teacher was bugging me all year long she said miles you got to enter the talent show you'll do so good you should do stand-up and talent show and so when i was 10 years old i entered my talent show and i did stand-up comedy for the first time in my life and i won my talent show doing stand-up comedy thank you it was rigged it was not fair i see there's probably a lot of parents here man so you all know you go to the 10 year olds talent show most of those kids don't have talent and i don't know why my school hated the parents so much they didn't give you a choice if you wanted to sing in the talent show they only approved two songs if you was a boy and you wanted to sing in the talent show you had to sing live in la vida loca by ricky martin and if you was a girl and you wanted to sing in the talent show you had to sing what a girl once by christina aguilera that's it there were 40 kids in the talent show 38 sang there was a magician and me yeah yeah you want to turn a room full of functioning adults into a room full of psychopathic serial killers lock them in a theater for three hours while a bunch of ten-year-olds butchered the worst two songs from 1999. over and over and over again living to be local what a girl wants living to be local what a girl wants let me be local whatever wants let me be local what a girl wants liberty local whatever wants let me be local whatever wants let me be local whatever wants pearson magician and y'all the magician wasn't any good he messed up the trick peed his pants ran off stage crying which i thought was hilarious it was way funnier than anything i was gonna say up there but that was not what he was going for and then it was back to your regular scheduled programming literally local what a girl wants living to be local whatever wants let me be local whatever wants here's miles weber doing stand-up comedy and y'all i got a standing ovation before i even got on stage a mom from the pta threw a bra on stage it was crazy she's like let him have it this kid's bold he's going places and so i won my talent show y'all and to celebrate my victory i sang what a girl wants by christina aguilera [Music] yeah i was working it y'all i earned that ribbon we got some uh we got some solid laughers here man i've been listening to y'all we got i'm a laugh condo sword this is my thing okay like if you are a person that is self-conscious about your life because you think you laugh weird this is a safe place let it out don't eat your laughs it don't taste good don't do that don't do that don't eat it it's not good for you that way okay this is a safe space for lolling i got a tattooed on my body for that reason guys okay if you can't laugh weird at the comedy show where can you laugh weird okay so yes let it out let it out all the laughs you got a little snicker that's adorable let that fly don't hold that in you gotta laugh like eddie murphy had a baby with a seal let it out let's go laugh like michael jackson a witch had a baby hey you lie come on i'm here for it one time i was doing a show at a college in southern california and there was a kid in the middle of the theater i kid you not who laughed exactly like this there's no joy on his face i'm like homie is this morris code are you trying to tell me something blink twice if you're in trouble that was three times i don't know what to do with you someone help this boy please he laughed i laughed for 45 minutes i didn't tell a single joke we just laughed at each other that's the whole that was the whole show it was hysterical and if you snort don't you sit on that you will catch an ulcer okay do not hold in a snort because anything man i sympathize with anybody who snorts it's involuntary nobody wants to do it no nobody's ever been like man i'm having so much fun right now i think i'm gonna sound like a pig in front of all these strangers no that's not how it works and i understand the science behind snorting every snort is a fart that wasn't it's a pocket of air that gets trapped in your diaphragm and then your body's got to make a decision and you can't send it back there there's people we gotta send it to the face don't hate me now and that sets off a catastrophic chain reaction because you don't snort once no you snort 37 times you gotta get up and remove yourself so that way it doesn't get worse excuse me gangway coming through i don't even like bacon you gotta get outside before you pee because if you snort and pee they blacklist you from comedy for life you cannot do both see i like when people store it because i think it reminds me of like the sound my dog makes when he's running around like because i got a dog you got a dog people here yeah yeah there we go right on my kind of folks man uh yeah man i love my dog we have we had a very eccentric dog my wife and i uh we have a three-legged pug named taz that's a letter for each limb still attached to his body we're praying we never have to call him mr t [Laughter] and people always do what you guys did when they hear we got a three-legged dog they're like oh that's so sweet you guys got a rescue and i got to be like nah we did it i'm still paying for that surgery and it's a boring story man he had a birth defect his elbow grew backwards so he broke his leg we had to snip it but we didn't know he broke his leg for like three months because he didn't say nothing we just thought he had a little swagger to him we didn't know he's cool he's hip let him be all right but that's a boring story i don't like it it's not chivalrous there's nothing exciting about that so what i like to do is i like to mess with people folks ask me what happened to his leg i give him a different answer every single time kids are the best oh my goodness i love it when kids come up this little boy coming to me one time i was i had my dog at the park he's like hey mister what happened to your dog's leg and i just went we lost it and i kept walking we were playing fetch and i threw it too hard what do you want from me kid i had one guy come up to me and say hey what happened to your dog's leg and i was like the war vietnam vet in the sense that he went to a vietnamese veterinarian [Music] i'm gonna let y'all pass that one around for a minute what's been weird though recently is people been trying to guess what happened to his leg that's been unusual i'm not ready for that i was walking him a couple weeks ago guy wrote by in his bicycle he's like hey did your dog get hit by a car what car is gonna hit a pug and he only loses the front right leg if i hit a pug with my car and that's the end result i'm returning that car it is not safe for me to drive i need some better safety features like i don't know man a hot wheels or a taco truck or something i can't have pugs shaking me off like watch where you going what are you thinking man get your life together people always ask if my dog gets around okay i take him off his leash i'm like catch him say goodbye to those three hours he's faster without the leg don't feel bad for him now he could juke stiff arm spin move he's the perfect madden character we had to move out of our apartment because of him yeah we used to live in the upstairs apartment and he gets them these running fits and wants you to catch them so if you live downstairs underneath us and we live in the second story apartment it sounds like we're filming all the montages from scooby-doo upstairs and so it takes me like 20-30 minutes sometimes to catch him because he's real quick and agile and i finally catch him but it's too late i hear it pounding on my front door and i open the door and it is my neighbor from downstairs and to say that she is upset is a terrible understatement she is red in the face veins popping out of her neck yelling at me like excuse me could you tell your dog to keep it down for just one night please and i just looked at her and went we already cut off one of his legs so he'd make less noise we don't know what else you want us to do so we had to move y'all i love my dog man i love him like a son he's not my son i'm not one of those people don't hate me because if you raised a human being before you hate anybody that's like my dog is my child no it's not it's not the same thing if i got a kid i can't leave him at home for eight hours with a couple of bowls with food and water like i cut a hole in the door he'll figure it out they will take your kid away from you i know i've checked i miss my little brother my dog scared the living daylights out of me at the beginning of this year though man i had to rush him to the emergency vet because he ate one of his toys which i guess is the thing that dogs do man i came out the bathroom one day there's half a kong toy on the ground i'm like hey boy where'd you hide the other half and so he starts throwing up i'm like okay this is gonna be a thing for a little while then he keeps throwing up then he starts throwing up foam and i'm like oh i didn't feed him foam so i did what you shouldn't do in that situation i googled hey google what's wrong with my dog and that's like if you ask google what's wrong with you when you don't feel good google's like cancer you have all the cancer you caught it all like it was a scavenger hunt or something and sure enough google was like your dog is dying right now so i'm like and i flipped out i threw him in the car i speed to the emergency vet we get him in there man they take him back through the little door i'm sitting in the lobby filling up paperwork now he's been back there for like a minute a minute and a half tops the doctor comes out the same door and says taz's dad now he said taz's dad what i heard oh yeah was taz is dead which is a messed up way to tell me you killed my dog man you just cram or slide in the lobby my bad bro you don't know what it's like back there so i hear this i proceed to start big girl crying immediately like a canadian geese in heat snot bubbles coming out of the front of my face my mascara ran i wasn't even wearing mascara y'all it materialized on the front of my face it started to run like i won miss america or something and the entire time this situation's going down there's a kid sitting next to me in the lobby the whole time he sees everything go down he's like did they kill your dog and i was like yeah kid that killed my dog is your dog right there too now he's crying he's like yeah i'm like they're gonna kill your doctor we got a jailbreaker man it's the only shot we got so they gave me a tranquilizer the dog ended up being fine he drove me home and he looked gangsta with the one arm too it was pretty cool let me get you there pops i will say this me and my dog do have this in common we have terrible add which uh is a very you know people don't care that's a dd's the one disorder people like get over get over it man just just focus what are you doing like there's no sympathy for add there's no walk for a cure for a dd which is a shame because it will be such a short walk you do it on your lunch break man we couldn't even organize the add water we kept getting distracted squirrel the whole time now we'd have to get help from ocd yeah those folks got their stuff together a lot of weird stuff about me man i know i said that you know i grew up in the hood and i appreciate where i grew up man because where i grew up man we used to roast each other all the time and i learned how to snap back real quick and that made me a better comedian so i'm very grateful for where i grew up but you know how when you roasting somebody and the person you're roasting they ain't got nothing left to roast you about so they start reaching for weird stuff to try and take you down with and that was how i knew i was doing good is when everybody started reaching for weird stuff to try and take me down within the hood man like i knew they were at the end of their rope if they would start to make fun of me because my belly button is kind of high yeah game set match this is what you're taking me down with how old are we what is happening right now it is up there though check that out it's a little um okay easy we were doing so good she screamed oh my goodness it's in your throat you can do anti-smoking commercials it's messed up man i'm six feet tall my belly button's 5 10. what is happening because it's weird if i do a slow reveal there should be things by now like there's too much open real estate available on my midriff and then pow pow pow shot in the chest what's weird is that my butt's in the middle of my back that's the weirdest and i'm not going to show you all that that is a different show and way more money local man robs wendy's with alligator we're the alligator boys now and the baby they sent them to the bank should be going mom mom [Music]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,411,040

Rating: 4.8961334 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Myles Weber, Myles Weber Dry Bar Comedy, Myles Weber Comedy, Myles Weber Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Pug, Pug dog, three legged pug, from the hood, the 707, nor cal, the hood, dbc, stand up

Id: tPvT6_ICxbg

Length: 24min 38sec (1478 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 29 2021