What Men Are Really Thinking About. Steve Geyer - Full Special

what do you think about oh god you scared me i forgot you were in the car oh my gosh yeah don't wave your hand or something she never shuts her brain off man she's always like buzzing she has a hard time falling asleep you know and but she's always buzzing and if i you know i ask for something it's like i get this would be a myriad of answers and then you know me it's like i can actually kind of shut my brain down you know and so there's times when kathy and i will be like you know in the car driving like you know we're going somewhere you know out to eat or maybe driving to a show and you know and i'm just kind of shut down i'm just kind of you know doing the drive and all of a sudden something hits her and she just turns and goes honey what are you thinking and how many of you guys know the answer shout it out to me what are you thinking nothing you think we're lying we're i swear we're not lying we can actually think of nothing it's god's gift it's called testosterone poisoning did you know that the chemical wash of testosterone actually kills some brain cells it's true and lastly what do you think about oh god you scared me i forgot you were in the car oh my gosh yeah don't wave your hand or something yeah lily oh but we've been married for 31 october the 14th will be our 31st wedding anniversary and it's really kind of fun yeah and we i i yeah thank you she's right up there she's right there um we i like that we're different you know in our culture now i don't know what's going on but everybody's trying to homogenize us into thinking the same way and being the same way and having the same thought and that's boring look i know that there's conflict when we disagree but it's also kind of fun man you know that you know i mean really because you you want some difference in your life you know and the fact that we are different is wonderful and i think that the biggest thing when it comes to marriage i think the biggest defining point is when it comes to being intimate like men we have a thing for intimate which is chicka chicka bow wow right and women at conversation let's talk and then what right and so i do a lot of premarital counseling i started working with couples and everything and they would come in stupid absolutely stupid because they were in love and they would say things like oh see we're so in love we have everything in common we're just alike we like the same things we finish each other's sentences we're just alike well then one of you is unnecessary it's kind of like borderline their narcissism marrying yourself right because these these young couples they have no idea what they're in for because that's not love that's infatuation and so what i try to tell them to go look can i help you understand what a real love being loving someone unconditionally what it really looks like and i can i share an example and they're like oh please do and i'll go okay do either one of you know what a colonoscopy is we don't even like the sound of that well it's going to get a little worse you see when one or both of you turns 40 you're going to have to have a medical procedure where the night before you're going to drink this stuff and you will never want to poop again then you're going to show up bright and early at the hospital and they're going to take a high-powered air canister and they're going to go in your back door and they're going to feel you so full of air you're going to think you're a macy's thanksgiving day parade balloon and then they're going to take a fiber optic cable with a camera on it and a light on the end and they're going to go looking for things but the cool thing is is that you're going to be sound asleep the whole time here's where love comes in when it's time for the air to come out you got to be wide awake and the other one has to sit there and pat the other one on the hand and go it's okay honey just let it out just let it out just let it out just let it out that's love that's commitment to sit there and deal with that because my wife never tooted before we were married whole time we were dating never to and then i thought she was incapable and then after we got married she had this dog and that dog had the worst gas on the planet i'm really it was all the dog was sickening you know and then the dog died and i was like man there's something wrong with a carpet it's you but the thing we fought about more than anything initially was intimacy because you know guys we're not real subtle about it we're kind of like won't do it [Music] wow take me cowboy you know yeah all right women want to be romance they want to be you know talk to they want to be woo they want to be you know just bring them into the moment you know and so i didn't know any of this and so we had been married a couple of months and i got a little handsy with her you know and she slapped my hand away i said come on honey we're married and she said well if you want to make love to me in the bedroom you need to start by making love to me in the kitchen now every woman knows what she meant and every guy is like me going well take your clothes off in the kitchen i had not thought about doing it in the kitchen but i'm all for it right you want to be romanced in the kitchen right and it's so weird because like you know it's totally different too like i i was working with this one couple one time and she came in and she was so upset and she's like oh steve i'm married i i'm married a sex fiend and i said really and i'm like dude are you looking at stuff no no i promise i'm i go what's the problem sweetheart she goes he wants to have sex with me all the time in every room all the time what's wrong with him nothing sweetheart this boy saved himself for marriage he's been waiting for this for a long time you need a buck with your chin strap sweetheart and hold on right because you weren't told this ladies i feel so sorry for you you probably weren't told if you grew up in a church you weren't told that you know they're in the mood all the time right like why why is he in the mood because you're in the room with him like if he sees you walk by he thinks you're coming on to him if you're getting ready to go somewhere do not come out half dressed he thinks it's like hey yeah yeah if you walk by in a towel you better run for your life and if he sees you naked it's game on girlfriend but if you see and you don't think that way because you don't want to see him that way right you there's nothing attractive about him being naked he's like hey baby like oh stop honey don't dance don't stop hopping stop hopping oh my gosh i threw up in my mouth a little bit i'm so oh stop so we had this non-verbal thing that we we like to do you know it's like it's like we have these two candles on our nightstands and when one of us is in the mood we light our candle and then when the other one lies their candle is like yeah right so typically i i light my candle first now that's not fair i always light my candle first yeah and i'll walk past the bedroom to see if you know kathy's candle's lit and if it's not lit i just assume that you know she hasn't been in there you know so genius right so i'll send her on little errands to you know little romantic errands into the bedroom like honey where are my toenail clippers and i'll be honest with you again it's kind of a cute thing to do but there have been times when i've walked into our bedroom and my candle's been blown out see guys you have to learn to do like kathy one time kathy said you know if sorry man i'm sorry i don't know why that's so funny to me anyway um she said you know if you if you wanna if you wanna have you know relations you know she goes you've gotta you've gotta touch me non-sexually i'm like you can do that [Laughter] i'll try this is working for me baby light your candle light your candle dry bar comedy man i remember my first clean show this is i i remember it like it was yesterday i was a it was a nightclub comic and i was out touring with a headliner but i don't want to i don't want to say their name because you know i think it's really i don't know it's kind of unlovely to kind of drop names about people that i've worked with that you're never going to meet and so i'm out on this tour you know and and this this newspaper reporter came and you know did a did a story on him and then did a little thing on me and somehow i had mentioned that i had started going to church and so they released this newspaper article and it talked all about this other comic and right at the bottom it said opening for this comedian christian comedian steve geyer what i wasn't a christian comedian i had just recently started going to church there's a difference and so somebody saw that and called my agent and booked me to do a senior adult valentine's day banquet for a southern baptist church you're laughing because you weren't there nobody told me i had to change my material and i'm just firing it away you know there's people in the back going crucify him we want barabbas right do we have any church goers in here anybody in culture someone yeah they're all good oh my people you know this is what other people say what's the difference between doing nightclubs and going to church nothing both a bunch of liars because in nightclubs you meet people anytime they're always scamming you you know you know married guys pretending like they're single and all that kind of stuff but man i have never had so many people lie to me until i started going to church you know and it's in the lobby you know because in the morning you know people hey how are you doing great you liar man why are you going to if everything was going great you wouldn't go to church things are going you're going to church because you need some help right how's it great oh i'm just under the spout where the glory's coming out i'm going to punch you in the neck right hey if you ever have ever lied to church somebody you like you have a really crummy morning and people hey you don't look great you know how many of you come on be honest how many of you ever had a fight with your spouse on the way to church come on let me see come on isn't that fun you know you're ready to go and you're you can see the church parking lot in the distance you're almost there and then it happens right and you're yelling at each other no you should no yeah and then we hit the church parking lot we're like [Laughter] if we could only hear what was going on in your car i'm gonna kill you no really i am first i'm gonna shoot you and then i'm going to push you off a roof that's what i'm going to do and you walk in how's it going great and you know you feel compelled because you know these people are handing out bulletins you know they're not counselors you know and so you know but you know wouldn't he just love one time when somebody says how are you doing to go do you really want to know they'd be like um is there a volunteer coordinator that i can talk to i wasn't trained for this right you know but wouldn't it be great if just one time you just said do you really want to know and the person said yeah man come on man be real with me you look a little disheveled what's going on well if you want to know the truth on the way to church i got into a fight with my wife and we started yelling and screaming at each other in front of the kids i can't believe what came out of my mouth man and she's still sitting in the church parking lot crying her makeup off in the car could you go pray with her i have to go preach real isn't it you married people know about that right you know they say love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener right how many of you when you were dating you did not know what you were in for after you got married right because when you were dating you were infatuated you were not in love there's the difference because when you're infatuated every nothing bothers you and you're on the never-ending phone conversation oh yeah i love you too okay did you hang up me neither oh this must be true love oh shut up you do not know true love how many of you i did this i would travel i would drive like 45 minutes just to see kathy for 10 when we were dating and in our 31 years of marriage there are times i won't go in the kitchen if she's in there because there's butcher knives in the kitchen because you know when you're dating you're on your best behavior and everything you know and and i i really didn't know the the differences that there were between men and women like i grew up with a mom i didn't have a dad growing up and so my mother taught me things that my dad should have taught me so for a long time i used to throw a ball like this it's funny now but i'm in the third grade man and then i struggled with you know being a man i thought well when i could grow a mustache then i'll be a man and then i realized my grandmother's got a mustache right and so they're you know we had all these differences and when we were dating and stuff they didn't really manifest until you know we got married then all of a sudden it was like man i had no idea that women don't smell their underwear to see if they're clean that's a man thing because women know if they're on the floor they're dirty men we don't know can't tell by looking at them they're always that color yes guinea guy in this room and go hey man are those underwear clean he'll walk over pick him up [Music] no and they're not even mine man golly and ladies if you're married you know you you've tried to throw your husband's underwear away and you know they were in the trash can and the next thing you know they're back in their drawers you're like what is are they lucky no they're not it's not a lucky pair or anything see it doesn't matter to us how many holes are in it as long as the elastic at the st at the top still works if it snaps back dog on it it's a pair [Music] don't throw those away and just did little different nuance-y things like kathy's very clean and like kathy will use a towel once and then it's dirty i will use a towel until i take it off the towel rack and it stays bent you know what i'm talking about right in the bedroom and that freaked me out because i you know i was a bachelor for a long time and so when i got married you know i i never decorated my bathroom before i got married i didn't have decorations i had you know like you know you walk into my bathroom there's toilet paper there's some deodorant a toothbrush in a magazine okay like you don't read when you go to the bathroom off right cell phones okay never mind what has our culture become right but i get married and i walk into our bathroom and on the counter where i used to have nothing there's a little city what is all this stuff and i look over it my toilet's got a fur coat it's got a little matching lid little hat for the lid and a little rug and i'm like wow you're all dressed up with nowhere to go aren't you look at you you look cute kathy no guys no kid kathy bought a toilet brush i had never owned a toilet brush in my life and to this day i still prefer toilet paper you got to have like a callus to use that brush i've been doing stand-up for 43 years and people always ask me what's your favorite joke i got that one and i go i go well number one because i think it's funny and number two it makes religious people go like this my favorite is because about a third of the audience still hasn't gotten it yet you mean he cleans the toilet with toilet paper no he wipes it oh that but the greatest joy in our life and not just our children we're very we're very proud of our two kids our daughter's a flight attendant so she points at things for a living i think that's kind of cute you know sometimes we have guests over we show off hey honey show where the coat closet is that's my girl in our son is a police officer and uh he and his his wife uh have uh blessed us with two little uh grandbabies and we're just we're over the moon for for jude and jameson and what i am hoping more than anything is that there's not that craze that happened when my daughter was a girl and it was that stupid beanie baby thing do you remember that when you know people would fight each other for this you know bag of rice with eyes glued on it you know right and so but it really it became a phenomenon in our in our country and it's crazy and so i was thinking about this when i was thinking about i wonder what i hope jude and jameson don't have a thing like that and it took me back to a time when i was on a tour i was in canada for about a month and i'm coming back and over the course of the tour i had been picking up beanie babies for my daughter and like you know like at a store here there and they had retired them here in the states but they were available in canada what was wrong see the canadian bacon thing you all know what that is ham cut in a circle okay canadians are kicking our butts y'all so anyway so so anyway so i'm i've got like i've got but i've got a dozen beanie babies and i've got i've got them in this little paper shopping bag with a string handle and everything and and i i'm ready to come home and and i'm going to clear immigration and you know if you travel internationally if you're in a country for a certain amount of time doing work they like to have you know the 20 question time want to make sure you did what you were supposed to do and see what you purchased right so i didn't put the beanie babies in the luggage i kept them in the shopping bag so i'm in immigration they said did you purchase anything and i said yes and i said how much did you purchase and i said this amount and they said what did you purchase and i said beanie babies and they went excuse me i'm not kidding and i went and i'm a little smart alecky so i went beanie babies like that and just then four customs officials two of them with handguns surrounded me and my first thought was should i have said cocaine they said come with us they took me to the search and seizure area so i said over the door and as i walk in there's a guy standing behind a stainless steel look like a medical table putting on rubber gloves with the biggest hands i had ever seen in my life and i thought to myself there are no beanie babies where you might think they're beanie babies and if you search me i will have a seizure so here's the best part my my luggage and product and stuff is all on the on this on the stainless steel table everything but i was still holding the beanie babies in the paper bag and so i'm sitting there and like you know i have a conscience and i'm just starting to get to me and this little devil popped up on the shoulder and said hey man don't tell them the beanie babies are in the bag and i was wrestling with my conscience and then a little angel popped up on his shoulder and said yeah don't tell him now this guy is going through about a month's worth of dirty underwear and i'm thinking them gloves ain't gonna help you at all and finally he goes there's no beanie babies in here and i said i know they're in this bag he was not happy snatched it out on my hand he laid him out on the table he said how many did you purchase i said i bought a dozen he said you have 12 here there's this little voice is like can we come out and play shut up what are you doing with all these beanie babies oh please let us come out now for the love of god be quiet what are you doing with all these beanie babies what i wanted to do was go kind of lonely i ain't got no friends these beanie babies and my friends [Laughter] sometimes they talk to me too listen kill the customs agent kill a cousin i didn't do it i didn't i promised i didn't do it i just went they're for my little girl my my daughter collects him and everything and i'm just taking him home to her and he goes well how do i know you're not a broker and i go what's that is people that buy them here in canada and resell them in the states and i said people do that he said yeah he said you're looking at a 10 000 fine or 30 days in jail for a bag of rice with eyes glued on it now i'm panicking not only because i may be going to jail but the condition of our culture that this stupid little thing is causing me all this grief right so i had the solution i said well here why don't you just i'll prove to you that i'm not a broker you tear the tags off you keep the tags and i'll take the beanie babies to my daughter now ladies what happens when you take the tags off they lose their value in other words they become a child's toy the irony should kill us all okay i promise you that i am not making this up i said tear the tags off you keep the tags and i'll take the beanie babies to my daughter and he said oh don't tear the tags off you might want to sell them later guys thank you very much for being here my name is steve geyer it's been a pleasure to be with you god bless you guys thank you you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 398,655

Rating: 4.8754196 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Steve Geyer, Steve Geyer Dry Bar Comedy, Steve Geyer Comedy, Steve Geyer Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, What men Are thinking, What Men Want, What Women Want, Beanie Babies, dbc, intimacy, funny

Id: PPnDYieoris

Length: 25min 2sec (1502 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 09 2021