Weirdos Of Walmart. Mark Poolos - Full Special

i saw a lady shopping she wasn't even wearing a shirt she just pulled her sweatpants up to her armpits oh thanks for having me guys i'm excited to be here it's good times uh a little out of it me and the wife's just sold the house and we didn't plan much after that so her and the kids are circling the parking lot until i get finished and yeah it's stressful you know i don't have any money it's all tied up in storage lockers and u-hauls and xanax and marriage counseling it's just stressful it's stressful the comedy's going good it's going good i just signed up to drive for lyft um so if you guys need to ride home after the show it'll probably be me so you know i'd actually like to just give everyone a ride home tonight if that's possible because i need the money let's make that happen people always ask they find out i drive for lyft they're like any crazy stories mark from driving not much you know i usually do it during the day but uh the the third ride i ever did i picked up this kid at the university i dropped him at his parents house back out of his driveway i glance over this kid left cocaine in my car can you believe it oh man the rest of that day just flew by i i worked i worked a three-day shift it was crazy i had 47 people in my car one point but no no yeah comedies comedy's okay to travel a lot this last year a lot of cities i've never been to before and if i get to a city i've never been to before i do the same thing i check into the hotel and they immediately go to walmart because i'm like i feel like i can get a good sense of the city you know just like a nice like sampling of the people that live there and truth is they're all exactly the same everywhere you go it's the same cast of characters so is a family breaking down in the produce section there's a husband and wife getting divorced in the pots and pans aisle so is that weird guy waist deep in the 5 dvd bin they make you work for it you know you get the good ones at the bottoms turner and hooch there it is diamond in the rough there it is the things people wear to walmart i mean what is going on i mean it's just it's not even like dirty or tattered clothing it's like they're wearing things to walmart i've never seen a human wear outside of walmart i walked in one time i saw a lady shopping she wasn't even wearing a shirt she had just pulled her sweatpants up to her armpits just standing next to the bananas for some reason i watched it up till i was like you better be here to buy a shirt okay so i don't need to see this i'm trying to get my potassium now she had her cart were peeps those marshmallow easter candies i was like lady don't take this the wrong way but if there was a picture next to insanity in the dictionary you would be it just a lady in a sweatpants dress with a cart full of peeps go late late to walmart that's the best friend 3 a.m just a few gems walk around that place saw one guy shopping in a snuggie one of those backwards breaking things that doesn't cry i give up i don't know what does if you leave the house and flip-flops on a blanket with sleeves you've given up but i was drunk when i saw him i was like is that a wizard buying fiber bars is there a wizard in this walmart but it's just funny i don't know if you know this but walmart actually encourages you if you're driving across country and you need to take a nap to sleep in their parking lots because they have lights and security and they're open 24 hours and i've done it once or twice it's never the best idea i mobile alabama i slept in the walmart parking lot at 3am i got a knock on the window i wake up and i look over as a guy no shirt jean shorts i roll the window down and i go yeah and he goes can you help with anything i go dude i'm sleeping in my car at a walmart parking lot go knock on a car at target that's where the money is but yeah people love the self checkout lanes at walmart i don't get it it seems like a scam there's like 10 cashiers doing nothing you know they're all tweeting and snapchatting now we're looking up codes and checking out our own groceries like it's some kind of giant cashier fantasy camp apparently this is fun it's stupid just get honest right self-checkout lanes are good for one thing and one thing only and that's stealing so if you're not you're not stealing at the self-checkout lane you're not doing it right okay no one's watching it and i'm not gonna lie i dabble in the ceiling but it's it's only in one very specific area and that's apples because if they think i'm paying four dollars an apple for a honeycrisp they're out of their minds okay no matter what apple i'm buying i'm punching in red delicious over and over again it's horrible 80 cent apples like a notch above a wax apple it's 44-22 that's the code guys it's the same in every walmart you spend enough money in there you might as well just punch it in for everything you know papayas mangoes 44-22 dvds 44 22. some manager up front's losing his mind we are killing it on apples today guys call the orchards we need another delivery oh man travel it's weird out there on the road man gotta keep yourself safe you know i try to i don't get involved in people's problems i'm not a good samaritan by any means people get mad when i say that but i'm just i'm too neurotic to help people i think about too much weird stuff man like i pulled a rest area at 4 am there's no cars there's a guy laying on the ground and most people like that man needs help i was immediately like that's a serial killer yeah this is how they do it they pretend to be dead then you go to help them and they just start stabbing and i just not tonight i just screeched away nice try and he was like help or something i can't remember trying to go to bars late at night because i know there's some guy that's going to want to fight me just because i'm a giant man i don't know when i became an idiot's 12-point buck you know i'm like some kind of big game when i walk into a bar you know you're like there he is it's even funnier to get to know me because i'm a complete oxymoron i am six foot seven 350 pounds but i'm very weak and i'm scared of things a 40 year old man should not be scared of scared of clowns and spiders and god forbid a clown spider showed up i would i would probably die i don't even know but it's like i have two tiny daughters at home and i'm supposed to protect them but i don't think it's gonna happen you know i think it's i feel like they're four and two right now but i feel like in the near future i'm gonna get that wake-up call at about three four in the morning and they're gonna be like daddy there's a monster in our closet and i'll be like all right let's get out of here like wait what are you asking me do you want me to clear it out i'm not going toe-to-toe with a full-grown closet monster they are like a hundred times worse than under the bed monsters kick the window ladder out we're out of here what about mommy she'll be fine she gets the spiders for daddy most of the time sometimes i get to get the spider because it's too high you know and then she you know gives me a bunch of grief because i kill it with a swiffer you know she's like now there's a smear on the ceiling i'm like that's the point now it's a warning to all other spiders get back downstairs the swiffer killing us yeah it's crazy in my house man four year old and a two-year-old people are like hey mark what's it like having two kids under five like let's imagine go to the kitchen get some coffee in the morning and realize there's two loose squirrels in there and just opening every cabinet throwing things that's that's so it's like having just no peace ever i can't not even in the bathroom they just wander in the bathroom with me i'm like what are you doing in here it's horrible it smells get out my two-year-old's got a great thing which just while i'm sitting on the toilet she'll stand in the doorway and just point at me the whole time going and i don't even know it's because i'm pooping or it's just the general look of my body but either way it's hurtful it's hurtful she's way too smart way too fast she was like 11 months old she figured out how to take her diaper off by herself that's a fun surprise i was in the kitchen for 40 seconds i came back on it looked like a poop bomb went off in there i was like how did you get this much work done it was on her was on the cat it was on the tv i just took a beat and i was like so we just burn it down right just pose her off in the yard and donate the cat and just drive away from this place like it's poltergeist that we're doing no not an option had to clean it up and led to something i never thought i'd do in my entire life and let's take a shower with a cat and a toddler that was one for the books you know cats wailing were both crying it felt like they and i was filming a sad french movie in my bathroom just ridiculous they're both growing like weeds you can't bring anything edible in the living room they just start wandering towards you like the walking dead they're like i don't know how many dinners i've had to eat feverishly over the sink because they're rattling the gate to the kitchen like what do you got in there fat man smells like sandwiches it's just nuts at my house man house full of ladies that's what i got at home and don't get me wrong ladies are great they always smell great no matter what they're doing my wife works at the hospital she'll come home 12-hour shift just walks in the door still smells like watermelon and flowers like how is it possible i'm not gonna lie sometimes i step out of the shower i still smell like hamburger and armpits like i don't even know what i'm doing wrong it's hot water and soap i'm hitting the hot spots but i still smell like the bathmat but there's some ladies have over guys we're gonna talk about this for a sec because i think we're gonna agree as a group here tonight a lot of people think it nobody ever says it might as well get it out there let's talk about it lady farts are the worst thing in the world oh they are horrible my theory is you're holding them in way too long like you're just like you're too courteous you know like somehow they're fermenting inside your bodies okay just get them out of there like what are you doing and my wife's are the worst you know like she went to bed before me one night she was in there for like an hour and i walked in there was like a punch in the face i was like did the sewer line break in here is one of the animals dead if i was like the door's open it's got to go away at some point no it doesn't it started gaining strength it was like eating itself becoming a super fart it was like this third thing living in the room with us she's fast asleep you know i'm just laying there angry because she sleeps with the fan on so it's just swirling everywhere look at this giant fart nato in there i can't get one clean breath air so i can fall asleep i had to go put fixed vapor up up my nostrils that's a true story she drives me nuts will be watching tv she'll feel it coming on she'll try to skedaddle out of the room like a lady now she's just farting the whole way and i'm like do you mind not crop testing the whole house just sit in one spot and let it happen yeah let's go in the closet we'll call that the fart closet yeah eventually we'll have to tear that side of the house off but [Laughter] it'll be fine if they just smelt bad but for some reason they hang around forever she goes farts me so many times guys like she go in the kitchen she'll let one go and then she'll just move on with her life and i'll go in there like an hour later and be like what kid has poop in their pants and she's like four rooms away like i fired in there like an hour ago an hour ago this thing is a hanger [Music] what are you eating helium look down on the farts too much apparently it led to our wedding which i was not a aware of but uh we the couple's dinner one night and one of the wives asked my wife because there's always that moment where like a woman's dating somebody and they stopped looking at him as the boyfriend and like this could be the guy that i'm gonna marry you know and they asked my wife like when that moment was for her and she goes well that's easy we've been dating for four months i took it to my best friend's wedding in des moines and without any prompting or anything he just stood up in a bus full of people and took credit for my fart and i was like i'm marrying that sob tomorrow and i was like i didn't realize it had that much of an impact it was such a silly story we're like going from the ceremony the reception we're in this big bus with everybody and and all i knew was that the farts started in the back of the bus that's all i knew because i was just enjoying the moment of watching it kind of roll up the bus and hit people row by row they were so caught off guard they were like what a beautiful set what is that oh no and then it got to the groom and he was so mad he was like who did this who would have done such a thing the windows don't roll down and i was laughing so hard and i turned to enjoy the moment with my wife and her face is in her hands and it's beat red and i went oh no you took this whole bus down yes sir but i could tell she was embarrassed so i just stood up and i was like that was me the reception was awkward they just kept pointing me out there like there here made it a gas chamber oh yeah whole family's nuts my mom just joined facebook two months ago so that's what was i've been dealing with for a while she has no sense of sarcasm she doesn't realize people put funny pictures on facebook she thinks they're they're all real came home one day and the cat was passed out in a weird way so put an empty beer can right next to him put that picture on facebook she was the first comment within seconds it just said mark beer is very bad for cats then she liked her own comment i was like listen already you are doing this wrong and i'm gonna block you i don't care the god bless her she's trying she's got all the technology you know she's doing the iphone the ipad she's skyping with the grandkids you know mostly we look at her thumb but what's going on it's funny it's funny sometimes to watch old people try to figure out technology you know you catch out of the corner your eye you know some old lady trying to unlock her car you know with her cell phone one time i saw an old lady trying to get money out of a red box you know she was convinced it was an atm she just kept looking around going i want money why does it keep giving me movies it's priceless for the best of all time i was in montana getting gas i get out of my car and i hear all this commotion down the way and i look and there's an old man screaming at the gas pump like it was some kind of futuristic robot going help me i need gas in my car he's like what is happening and then i hear the guy in the gas station he's like i said come in here in here and i'll explain how to do it this guy's like come in where he picked up the nozzle he was like hello this phone smells like cats i stood back and enjoyed for a while but then i realized it was time to help when he was assigned to trying to slide a check into the credit card swiper i was like sir i can't go on the rest of my day knowing that you're still here screaming at this gas pump please let me help you you know the best part of the whole story is i come over you know all magnanimous like this young guy that's going to help this old man and it turns out he has a car from the 70s where the gas tank is hidden behind the back license plate i don't know if you guys have seen this car before a couple people nodding their heads never seen it in my life we're just wandering around the car together like where is [Music] the gas tank i'm pushing taillights and hubcaps i actually said out loud at one point is this a delorean i haven't seen one of those i had to walk away he's like well thanks a lot idiot i was like what are you getting mad at me for you're the guy bought a car without a gas tank i mean how'd you get roped into that old man sir i got the car for you it's called a chevy one tank it runs out of gas leave it on the side of the road we'll find it yeah my uh my dad was like the total grumpy old man after he he worked for wells fargo for 50 years and he retired his favorite thing in retirement returning things to stores i don't know why i brought him so much joy he actually had a thing called the switcheroo if you guys have ever pulled the switcheroo before but it was legendary in our house if something broke we would not throw it away my dad would find out what it is go to the store purchase the exact same product bring it home take the new one out replace it with the broken one immediately return it and get his money back he's like dad that is horrible he's like i'm sticking it to the man i was like i think he's just stealing but he never got caught ever he got so brazen he tried to return a 10 year old shower head legendary story my mom's having some back stuff he goes buys this new one got all the massager settings on it's three times the size of the old showerhead he's taken down the old one which i assume came with the house it's all rusted and mildewed he puts in this plastic snap case that the new one came in there's no packaging you can just see it rattling around in there i just assume he's throwing everything away when he's done installing it he goes all right i gotta head back to the store and i was like pardoned he goes you know what just let me do my thing i was like what i got i gotta go with you on this one again i gotta watch this go down yeah so i hang back he goes up to the return counter he puts the shower head in the receipt and guy looks at it and he looks at my dad and he looks at it he goes sir i don't get it this is obviously an old rusted mildew showerhead and my dad is confident as i've ever seen him just makes eye contact and he goes imagine my surprise when i got it home and he got the money he got the money i was like what took me out to lunch on that money well that guy looked at him like this is gonna be all day here's seven dollars just get out of here oh my dad classic legendary pete poulos loved his gambling trickle down to me and my brother big gamblers i actually am in recovery for gambling for three years now because i actually got addicted to it and it's it's silly to talk about because i didn't get addicted to like horse racing or sports gambling i got addicted to penny slot machines yeah that's like being an alcoholic and your drink of choice is rumchata you know it's like now sweetness hits my lips i can't stop you know but it's just like you know penny slot machines they prey on your nostalgia you know you go into a casino any generation you grow up in there's a slot machine for you you know the older generation they got hee haw you know they got they got uh you know jetsons all that kind of stuff for us you know they got star wars and willy wonka and transformers and the bonuses are the coolest part you know you hit the bonus you get to do cool stuff you know star wars you get to blow up the death star transformers you get to save cybertron there's nothing i've wanted more in my life than to have optimus prime tell me mark we need your help like yes i have three grand let's do this that was the low point i was in vegas for two days and uh i had lost three thousand dollars on the transformers penny slot machine and let me tell you what that took a while it took a while but this is the thing so this machine it was one of these machines where like the faster you played the more you played you would rack up this multiplier for the bonus and i played so much and so fast that my multiplier was 200 for the bonus so if i hit the bonus i would have got it at 200 percent i ran through everything at 75 cents in my pocket i got up so angry that the machine actually had like a countdown feature like if you're trying to find money for like 60 seconds or whatever i even think i just left old lady sits down she puts five bucks in immediately hits the bonus at 200 i have never thought about choking somebody out more in my life i was like i'll just sneak up behind her you don't even know who bumblebee is [Music] it was an eye-opening trip i'm not going to lie kind of gave up most of my side gave up drinking at that time if you are drinking tonight be careful right nobody wants to get in trouble with the cops on the way home i think the stupidest thing the cops do at least in minnesota where i'm from is they'll set up a dui checkpoint or like everybody on the road they have to check over and it's like well it's great nothing worse than getting a dui now we have to wait in line for our duis this is forever i get stuck in them all the time and i get so nervous you know it's like i'm stone cold sober but i'm like it's police you know i still have to talk to them you know they might find something you know like hiding things you know chewing way too much gum put talk radio on they'll think i'm smart i get up there you know they're banging on the windows i can't even figure out the wind i'm like lowering the back windows they're like laura the front window's like you know what let's just go to jail okay it's less stressful than this but the best cui checkpoint story ever and with a buddy of mine about 22 at the time he's half in the bag we're trying to find his house we come around the corner i was like bam dui checkpoint he sees it he just pulls a u-turn and drives away from it and i go whoa he goes i think he'll probably be okay yeah seconds later you know we're pulled over cops at my window talking to my friend and he goes sir i don't know if you know this but there's a dui checkpoint set up back there and my buddy goes no yeah i saw it i'm just not going to do it the cop kind of giggled he was like what like you have to do it and my buddy goes oh i have to and then he got out of the car and started running i was like what he shot through two houses jumped a fence and he was gone i was like well that's another way to go i guess they pull me out of the car they tell the car away and i'd go oh my god i find my buddy the next day i go dude and he goes what and i go they towed your car they know who you are they're probably going to be here in five minutes he's like just relax okay that's not my car i was like what i go stop like i know that's your car so you drive he goes well let me clarify it is my car i purchased it off of craigslist but i never switched the title so they're headed to bob johnson's house right about now he's like dude that is horrible he's like well you got to do what you got to do so if you'll excuse me i have to go buy another drinking car i was like what he's doing this every weekend if you didn't laugh at that you're like that's a good idea give me a drinking car tomorrow yeah i love doing comedy people always ask what i did before comedy a lot of different jobs worked super eight front desk for a while i like that job because people come in and ask for things there's no reason a super eight would ever have them some guy screeched up on a beamer and tossed me as keys he's like hey kid can you validate me you make a difference that's all i got one guy actually called down and asked if we had turn down service and i don't know if you know what this is but in five-star hotels the mates come by at night turn your bed down warm it up and give you candy which is pretty cool but not something super it has i was bored so i just went up there gave some m ms and we watched sportscenter it was pretty cool it's a nice little sunday hated that jab worked at a casino dealing blackjack for a while i was on the graveyard shift 2 a.m to 10 a.m i don't know if you've ever been in a casino at about 4 a.m but there's some weird people walking around that place man had an old man come in he's got two black eyes a bloody nose sits down i go sir are you all right it's like you ever had one of those days where nothing went right it felt like the world was out to get you sonny it's like yeah i've had those days old time where he's like imagine if that day lasted for 75 years let's play some cards right take your mind off of whatever's going on there the craziest thing i ever saw dealing blackjack there was like three in the morning i'm on the main floor i can see the front door this lady comes in she's got a neck brace on an arm brace and a lake brace and she starts coming up to my blackjack table and i was like really you're going to start gambling now you know looks like your luck has spread a little thin there lady yeah let's go home and eat some shamrocks and rub some rabbits feet and try to turn this ship around it's like at what point in your day after you broke your arm neck and leg did you seriously say to yourself out loud i'm feeling lucky like when did that happen cause i don't think that happened comedy's always been the best man sometimes it's sunday i have to do some weird shows last summer i got hired in wisconsin dells it's like branson you know it's like this town in wisconsin that's open in the summer it's just water slides and go-car tracks like everything for the family and i get hired to do stand-up comedy there which i assumed was at night at a club for adults turned out when i got there i was part of a children's variety show it started at 8 a.m every day and i've never felt more alone in my entire life trying to make an auditorium full of children laugh at 8 a.m i just started telling stories about animals that ended with a fart noise that's all it was then the bear told the rabbit this guy's great i was so depressed by day three i was like i gotta have some fun so i went to the the water park there noah's ark the big water park by myself which i don't realize how creepy that would look you know it's the busiest time of this just wall-to-wall families and me wandering around the speedo was a bad idea but that's all i had and it's so weird being in a water park in your 40s you look at those slides so differently at this age they had one slide called the black anaconda i'm like if i go on that i'd be out of commission for like a week and a half you know got a bad back a trick knee i'm like sir how long is this lazy river i have irritable bowels in trouble are there clearly marked exits because i might have to jump ship quick then they had a ride in the back of a park that made no sense it was called the point of no return it was 90 feet straight down last for three seconds i was like how's that gonna be fun it's not gonna be fun for me because i know exactly what's gonna happen i'm gonna hit that bottom part and all you're gonna hear is some guy go gee we gotta refill it this giant guy just sucked all the water out of the slack can you call security because for some reason he's naked he's just wearing a headband that was a speedo anyways there it is be like what yeah comedy special they have the biggest rip-off in retail history in wisconsin dell's a place called the deer park they pay 37.50 a person to pet and feed deer in wisconsin i hit four deer in the parking lot deer everywhere he's paying 37.50 a person you want to pet a deer open your hotel room there's probably one stand right there i prayed every night that a bunch of drunk hunters stumbled into this place and just wiped it out just so i could watch that mousy lady on the news it's a horrible scene down here at the deer park they're all dead they're tired of their trucks and high-fiving no remorse should kill all the deer deer idiots what other animals runs into a car seriously they're not even hiding they're just standing right there your headlights hit their little eyes and you're like don't do it don't you do it and then they do it and you're like what went through your pee brain mind that thing's going fast i'm gonna headbutt it and here's the thing deer haven't just shown up they've been around for generations you would think at some point while they're sitting around the fire the elder deer would be like you know what we should stick away from that road you know stone road anytime i go up there somebody explodes but no the next day they're back up there like they're adrenaline junkies trying to beat the trucks it's a traumatic thing hitting a deer with your car you know i'm sure a lot of people in here have hit a deer or been in a car that hit a deer i'll tell you my story i was in montana circa 2003 cell phone coverage was not the best i was out of service for about an hour and a half i'm seeing deer everywhere but they're staying away from the road i come around the corner boom giant deer right in the middle of the road and i was like i swerved the car i just miss him he takes the mirror off the side of my car but that was it and i was like oh that was so close breathing comes back to normal blood pressure comes down i was like that almost was really bad and then i look up and plowing to two more deer and i was like car destroyed two hours till somebody comes by i'm just on the side of the road with these two corpses going what why don't you have feathers after that things changed uh apparently the word got out across the animal kingdom and they decided they didn't want me on the road anymore i started hitting animals i had never seen before north of des moines i hit a turkey a wild turkey never seen one before i'm just driving along it's really flat like north of des moines you know so like i look off into the distance and there's like this little thing flipping along there you know and i'm like i don't know what that is you know keep driving you know and i see it's keep coming like i start to do the geometry and i'm like if it keeps coming that way it's it's gonna die so and before like i knew what it was like right at that last moment it comes out of the ditch you know i don't know if you've seen a turkey run but it's like this run jump fly thing you know and it kind of like arced it like perfectly in front of my car and i just nailed it like duck hunt like feathers everywhere it just like rolled over the top of my car like a 70s cop movie and i'm like what is going on three months after that i was in omaha nebraska and i rolled 300 000 miles in my car which i thought was pretty cool so i took a picture put it on facebook nine minutes after that i hit an armadillo never seen an armadillo in my life and i hit one and the thing was he wasn't running over the road like he was headed home he was headed directly towards my car like a raccoon paid him to take me out and i see him coming i'm like all right you want to die let's do this but in my head i'm like you're like a rock-like animal i'll probably just bounce over the top and keep going and that's not what happened i hit him with my wheel he skipped like a stone shot through my wheel well tore all the fiberglass out as he took the bumper with him as he shot out the side it was the loudest thing i've ever in my life i get out of the car fully expecting the entire front end to be gone yeah tire pristine condition everything around it gone vital engine parts are just hanging there the car is still running somehow can't call insurance you know i opt out of the uh i opted out of the armadillo coverage you know it's my bad you know they offered it you know glass armadillo i'm like i don't live in texas so the worst part of the whole thing was i still had three payments left on that car i had to drive that car for three more months like that then some guy on the internet bought it for 1200 bucks can you believe it then a month later a state trooper came to my door and told me he ran away from a dui checkpoint and i was like took my car for a drinking car guys thank you so much god bless you guys thank you so much [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,606,831

Rating: 4.8778224 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Mark Poolos, Mark Poolos Dry Bar Comedy, Mark Poolos Comedy, Mark Poolos Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Walmart, people of walmart, weird people, taking the blame, deer park, deer, married

Id: H8tMdubPWJA

Length: 36min 21sec (2181 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 28 2020