You Don’t Know Your Mom Is Crazy Until You’re Older. Jose Sarduy - Full Special

i'm like that's how she says hot dog a lot of people like oh no he introduced the wrong guy he said jose was coming up that is clearly a jason yeah my name is jose and nobody believes me story am i i used to live in texas i went to meet a woman's family the dad opened the door he was like you're josiah [Music] we thought you was gonna be like a real jose you know it's like what did he think was coming to the door like some dude with maracas like i'm here today your daughter okay nobody thought i thought maybe that was just the south but i used to live in philadelphia a lot of different cultures up there i met a puerto rican guy he's like what's your name man can i go my name's jose he's like no puppy [Music] your name no can be jose i'm like yes it is i was born in cuba he's like you look like a policeman i live in southern california now worst part is i'll go to some cuban restaurant that's run by mexicans and they'll see me sitting by myself like i come back and explain the menu and then i feel like i gotta be extra cuban like i got it [Music] that's how you know it's authentic the chef is running out the back oh no they speak spanish now [Music] but i was born in cuba raised in miami so i'm a good swimmer obviously did you know that was a stereotype i didn't until i went out for the high school swim team the coaches like sardui where's that from i was born in cuba we're going to win state we got you're a captain do you have cousins obviously um and listen i don't know if all cubans are good swimmers but if there have been cubans on the titanic everybody would have survived and that would be a way better movie that would be great people run around oh no there's no lifeboats two cuban guys we don't need no lifeboats take this piano you put it in the water you can persistent people on that i saw titanic years ago when it first came out in theaters in miami which was an experience there's a part that's historical right that the boat's sinking and the band is playing well the whole thing is historical but there's a parts accurate there was a band playing as the boat sank and they play that scene it's very sad the big guy this guy playing the big cello cuban three rows down yells at the screen that thing in your hand it floats [Music] the guy with the little one he's gonna die you know i'm not gonna make it and i became a comedian because of my family my family is very boisterous and funny and they're crazy they're crazy family i love my family my mom is great she speaks with an accent so when i was little it was fun to bring my friends over could be like hello kitts welcome to my home it's how she says home do you want something to eat and they were like yeah of course like do you want heart dough my friend's like what is hard dough i'm like that's how she says hot dog people come over the house like listen if you have like a phone or a computer you can use it all over the house we have high five all over the house i love my mom she speaks great english she's i don't understand like american phrases american phrases kind of you know they confuse her sometimes we had construction on the house once she worked walked in on a room with a guy building something she didn't pay for like excuse me i did not pay for that what is that and the guy was like oh you know what i'm sorry ma'am i got a why hair up my butt on that one my mom's like well i did not need to know that but now that i do why don't you shave it [Music] i have a crazy mom and the thing is if you have a crazy mom you don't know it when you're little because when you're little you just assume that what your mom is doing to you is what all the other moms are doing you're like this must be normal then you get old enough to start comparing notes with other people and then you're like none of that was normal that is how therapy started happening i was 19. i was at a house party we're sitting around comparing home remedies one guy's like one time i had 104 fever my mom dropped me in a bathtub full of ice we were all like oh that's pretty bad and i was like oh you know what's worse remember when you get to stomach flu and your mom's put in the suppositories you guys remember [Music] they all looked at me like you i know my mom gave me soup [Music] and i was confused like how'd she get soup in there seems worse tell you what though i never went home sick from school no i could be puking blood jose you want to go home no please don't send me home she's gonna put a cough drop in my butt please just let me stay here but you're puking blood that's what i do when i'm happy i love fractions and i love my big family i love it um but i don't have any i don't have any children i know which is weird i'm 42 latino no kids but my family i'm like a unicorn i think i have magical powers but i've discovered this if you don't have kids people with kids do not want your advice on raising kids even when it sounds like they want advice like he's struggling in math i don't know what to do you know what you could do you know you could do jose is shut your mouth do you just sleep in your bed all night long with no one interrupting you and that's when i pull out my trump card whenever they say like oh yeah after the age of seven i always do what i was told never talk back to my mother never got reprimanded you hear that silence all those parents like what it what did your mom do i'll tell you what she did she killed a chicken in front of me using only this hand that is what the kids call a gangster she didn't warn me either we're in the backyard she's petting the chicken that i'd named freddy in hindsight that was a mistake she's like baby we're going to have chicken tonight and i was like i love chicken mommy and then she spreads her feet like she's gonna do kempo karate without looking grabs about the throat starts spinning it like a nunchuck making eye contact with me the whole time like a psychopath chickens making weird noises and then the head popped off the chicken and that's when i discovered chickens got a weird nervous system you can take the head off a chicken and the body doesn't realize it right away you know how i know that because that chicken body hit the ground and tried to walk it off like it had a chicken charlie horse or something it was and it couldn't make any noise so it was like the scariest silent movie of all time that chicken body hit the garlic and i'm like stop dropping raw freddy i didn't know what to do 45 seconds it ran around and then you'd be like you're right i'm not okay so again i am seven years old i am petrified i look up my mom she's got a dead chicken head in her hand she's got blood on her cheek feathers are falling leans in says the scariest thing i've ever heard in my life she goes pretty cool huh i'm going to go clean my room you know i'm going to clean my room i can clean the whole house i'm already cleaning might as well clean the whole you guys are wanting to paint the house i can paint that i'm only seven but i'll find a way maybe i'll just apply for college and get out of this house because you're a scary person my family's a very interesting story we actually came from cuba when i was a little kid because my dad was a political prisoner in cuba we got deported uh because my dad protested the government down there we got deported from cuba to the usa yeah that's all my white friends all my mexican friends that's a good deal who gets deported to the united states from like i know i can't even pitch that's usually oh we get in there's coast guard in the caribbean right now you made it can you pitch no go to haiti play soccer or something it's rough but because of that my family is very patriotic america took us in my dad were on the couch we're watching the olympics just me and him i remember he's yelling at the screen like we're at the stadium he's like usa juicy it's not just for jews that is for everybody i'm pretty patriotic myself here's how patriotic i am i am a vegetarian but i love kentucky fried chicken i don't even eat it anymore i just support it [Music] because we were poor we got here we couldn't eat out first thing we ate out was kentucky fried chicken my dad went all out he got the bucket of chicken he got the biscuits and he also bought the coleslaw and if you've been eating coleslaw your whole life maybe you don't know this but it is disgusting [Music] there's always somebody somewhere like no it's pretty good yeah and people on a farm get used to the smell of poop you can get used to horrible things i don't know who thought that like you know what this salad needs to be wet let's make a wet salad should it be clear wet no it should be snotty wet it should be the most disgusting thing and see if people will eat it so my dad noticed we were eating the coleslaw like hey why is nobody eating deco we're like dad it doesn't taste good like i don't care you have to eat it because the white people eating and they cannot find out we're now white people they're gonna know when you talk my dad's not gonna sneak past any of you where are you from sir boston machachitz that's how he says massachusetts and i don't have an accent because i came when i was three years old and i learned to speak english watching television because when i was looking we had great shows like sesame street mr rogers neighborhood the muppets days of our lives you know children's shows i watched tv for five days and in that five days i learned enough english to translate for my family at restaurants problem is i learned it mostly from muppets [Laughter] so we'd be at the restaurant my mom wants taking potatoes potatoes please your waist is like that's adorable does your mommy want bacon no not bacon that's miss piggy i'm just glad i outgrew muppet voices because you don't need muppet voices in adult scenarios you don't want to get pulled over you know how fast you were going heard about my dad loves american culture he has this big movie collection and uh he loves american movies and he recently started quoting american movies because he saw me and my friends do it and the best part of my cuban dad quoting american movies is you will never know which movie from the quote i tried to show them the classics right dazed and confused matthew mcconaughey all right all right all right but i was like i like that movie okay okay okay no that's not the same stuff that i said so to star wars the empire strikes back luke i'm your father he's like luke who's your daddy no what did you watch an inappropriate version of star wars i showed him the godfather and my friend's like mr sarah dewey you saw the godfather goes yes remember when he goes now i thought he made it up i watched the movie it's not in there you know which movie that's in daisy confused just mixing them up but now i just want everybody yell that when they're happy something good happens your life that's what i'm talking about like i'll tell you a story i went to a dave and busters do you have those here yeah so if you've ever been to a dave and busters it's like a casino where you don't win money you get tickets you can buy a whistle it's awesome i like to go there video games for adults it's awesome my favorite part about it is they let little kids in there before 10 o'clock and i like to beat little kids at video games because when you play them online they're not the best people you ever played a child online they say horrible things to you that i can't say on dry bar so i go and i'm pretty good at this one fighting game so i pull up and i this kid is standing on boxes he brought boxes it's how good he is he is beating grown men that just have to grab their beer and walk away grumbling so i'm like okay i'm going to stand up for my brothers i come in with my accent i use my dad's accent like hello can i pledge you okay i don't know what to do i use my car okay ah right now i don't know what what do the buttons do i don't know which one am i the whole time i am smoking this kid and i look over he's getting red angry i am so happy i keep beating him and finally his mom leans in and goes honey use your best character he's not even from this country oh they're all is that how we're gonna do it mom all right ethnic four right so so he uses his best character and uh he gave me a good fight uh but i still beat him and i was like i was about to celebrate i look over he starts crying and i was like i didn't want to make a 10 year old cry the dad leans over his big strong dude grabs you by the shoulder pulls me in close and he whispers in my ear thank even your you doesn't like you that's the moment where you want that phrase [Music] i i left miami after high school and uh went to college in colorado some went up here in the in the mountains yeah uh-huh and then i tried driving in the snow and i thought i could handle it because i driven in the rain and i'm good in that but first time i was out on the snow it was just a light drizzle and i'm on the highway doing 10 miles an hour with the hazards on just go around just to confuse miami boy why is there cocaine falling from the sky but it was great going to colorado because not a lot of cubans there no major bodies of water how would we get there but it's great i got to represent my culture to my friends but they they didn't know they didn't know where the line was they would cross it all the time jose you're fluent in spanish we're at a latin restaurant why don't you order the food in spanish where the taco bell in denver brad [Music] chalupa's not a word and the guy behind the counter is named chip i went out to colorado because i went to the united states air force academy i got a degree thank you thank you thank you i made lieutenant colonel in the air force and people like oh you look too young to be lieutenant colonel as you should have seen when i was a 23 year old lieutenant flying cargo planes i looked 14 which was horrible for passengers [Music] i had a world war ii veteran get on a plane what do you do on the plane little boy i'm your pilot sir he's like we're taking a train man but i love being a service member i got to answer questions people have a lot of questions because they don't know much about airplanes or the service and i love it because most of the questions are dumb i love dumb questions because i put them in my show some of them start out sounding smart somebody was like oh you were a cargo pilot yeah i flew cargo planes it's like did you ever air refuel where you go behind another airplane in the sky and get gas i was like yeah we used to do that he's like when you were up there did you get out and talk to the other pilot i'm in the air force man not cirque du soleil what do you think we string ropes like i'm coming to see you bobby i don't know my favorite dumb story ever this is my favorite dumb story ever this i've gotten a few times so my favorite example i was in boise idaho and this nice older lady walks up she's like that was so funny you've been in the air force 22 years i was 22 at the time it was i wasn't 22. it was 22 years and i said yes ma'am like my neighbor's son just finished boot camp in the army he's stationed in georgia do you know jimmy maybe [Music] i just wish you know i've been to war and all that i wish i had good stories for you guys i don't all my stories are the weird or embarrassing like i was flying into baghdad at night 2003 we see machine gun fire coming up at us i call up on the radio i tried to sound cool baghdad tower lifter 4702 we got ground fire north of field it's pretty cool right they said 4702 standby did he just say stand by like i'm on the phone with sprint or something guy calls him back 4702 don't worry about it they're celebrating in town tonight they're not shooting at you they're shooting their guns in the air and i say well that is a relief except i'm in the air didn't sound cool that day [Music] some of the stories sound good in synopsis but then when you hear the actual story i'm it's not good it's not a good story i'll tell you one i prevented an international incident yeah sounds great just wait 2004 we're flying to dakar senegal west africa drop supplies there to the embassy and if you were there at the time uh you should probably get tested i know if you were there [Laughter] for malaria if you were there at the time uh you may know this you could not make a big purchase on credit anything over five thousand dollars you had to pay cash not a big deal until you have to refuel a three hundred thousand pound cargo plane which was seventy five thousand pounds of gas which came to 114 thousand dollars that we had to pay cash so who do you think they sent in with the money was it a crack squad of marines or navy seals or army rangers nope they sent in first lieutenant star dewey who had gotten a b-minus in hand-to-hand combat and i thought the money would be in like a silver case right with the tight bills now they handed it to me in a nike gym bag that was used with broken zippers a used knife nike gym bag and the bills were just loose like i just robbed a bank and they're like lt that's what they call lieutenants lt go pay for the gas i was like um by myself i don't know but you should know you may not know this but you should know that i got expert in the m16 rifle because the dude next to me was nearsighted and kept shooting my target like expert was 35 out of 40 holes i had 47 holes on my target they were like you're really good i'm like yeah i make bullets go in and back out and back in i'm a magician so they're like we're kidding we'll give you some backup we'll send the lieutenant from accounting this is a kid that was too short to be a pilot that's why he went into accounting you know how short you got to be where they don't let you be a pilot this stool could be a pilot so they're like that lieutenant from accounting is your backup i was like well you're not going to see this money again like we're kidding we're going to send some real backup we're going to send the ravens with you ravens are security forces personnel that uh go with airplanes to us to your locations to protect them and if you don't know what security forces are they are members of the united states military that joined to shoot guns and blow things up but what they actually do is they stand at the front gate for eight hours a day and check identification never shoot guns or blow anything up these are people that want stuff to go down i know because one of them walked up and like hey we can't take we can't take guns in there lt but don't worry we got these extended batons in our sleeves anything happens we got your back i was like we're gonna die all right so i'm walking i got a bag of money got the lieutenant got the two security forces guys i'm thinking you know what i'm overreacting this is an international airport it's gonna be fine and i was wrong i opened the door it's a dark room there's one light and it is swinging like we're at a haunted house me and the lieutenant from accounting walk in with the bag of money like shaggy and scoob i see over here standing there two guards i say like that because they were not in uniform or unless you think of a uniform as a somali pirate starter kit they had sandals holes in their pants ak-47s gold teeth it was terrifying and from in the back room in the back office in the darkness i hear the deepest voice ever like what do you want and we we both went we screamed like we were in a haunted house and then i couldn't stop yelling we want to pay for the gas so i was like okay so i give the money lieutenant i say go pay for the gas now here's the thing if you were in west africa if you go to west africa today you may know this everybody there is really tall so the counter reached the lieutenant at eye level he had to throw the bag of money like to get it up there and then he had to stand on his toes like a kid at an ice cream shop like i want chocolate that's what it looked like so the guy slides in the receipt the lieutenant looks at he goes ah sir you have to sign the receipt and the man was like no no no son you take and then the lieutenant from accounting who was super short said ah you're going to sign it or we're not taking it and i'm standing over here like what are you doing oompa loompa the guy behind the counter was not ready for that he's like no no no sign you take and lieutenant goes well if you don't sign it then we're not leaving the money puts his hand on the bag and as soon as that bag this man touched the bag of money from over here hear this sound click [Music] which is a sound of a safety coming off an ak-47 which at first didn't scare me because like that gun has a safety wow i didn't think the russians cared about safety i later found out that's the same switch that puts it to full auto so the worst part about all of this is this this tension that's happening is behind me the security forces guys are living the dream they turned into mma hype man like it's going down tonight don't you let him talk to you like that lt don't you let him talk to you like can you guys shut your mouth please let me remind you you have batons if i need your lead a college marching band i will call you [Music] so i gotta stop this whole situation i lean over i grab him by the collar i put turn him towards me and he knew something was up because i was paler than usual like i was glowing in the dark and he's like what's wrong i go just take the receipt with no signature and he said fine but i don't like it i don't care what you don't like scrappy dude take the receipt [Music] so he grabs her a seat i'm walking him out i'm like get out the door get out of here security force out there i'm dragging him along and i could hear the wheels turning in his head like how am i going to explain this back at accounting right before i get him out the door he goes those two guys have guns so we almost died and i lost a good pair of underwear because he was stupid and that is how i prevented an international incident i um i did go to school uh at the air force academy in colorado springs colorado people don't know much about the academy and uh the biggest group of people that don't know much about that place is my family they had no idea what it was uh it was it's a military academy but the first year you're just running and doing push-ups and learning the iron and vacuuming you're not really they don't let you near the airplanes they they point at the airplane see those you gotta earn those so when i was a freshman first year four degree cadet at the air force academy um i called my mom every sunday and then on monday an a10 fighter plane crashed in wyoming pilots survived but the plane crashed in wyoming which i don't know if you know this is not colorado springs colorado my commander calls me in his office tuesday morning and he says cadets are dewey stand at attention i was like yes sir ready to go whatever he wanted me to do i was ready he said i'm gonna play you a voicemail and you normally only get phone calls on sundays but i need you to go call your mother and explain exactly what you do here and i was like oh i don't want to hear this voicemail this is gonna be bad it's gonna be a bad voicemail i don't wanna here's my mom's voicemail word for word is my baby okay oh no i saw the news when the plane crash and there's my baby flying the a-10 thunderbolt 6 i don't know the number please call me back she didn't leave her name or my name we had the star 69 her which is an old-timey phrase now people don't know what i what we do there at the academy i know that because when i would come home for the like the holidays or something like that i would see my friends that went to real college and they would try to exchange stories with me i'm like hey what's it like at the university of miami oh friday nights are awesome man sometimes we get drunk sometimes we fight sometimes we make out with strangers it's usually girls [Music] who was it the rest of the time statues bro they look good and then they want to ask me what's like the air force academy lighting friday night you shooting guns and blow things off with my sort of i'm blowing up that vacuuming son i can vacuum up a wall that takes core strength [Laughter] reason we did that is because we had white glove inspections on saturday mornings so i'll tell you my favorite white glove inspection ever me my roommate we're at parade rest standing in our room next door they're getting yelled at so i know we're next i'm doing one final check of the room before they come in our job was to standardize closets we had to make 30 closets look identical i look up we forgot to do our closet yeah we did 29 closets forgot to do ours and it wasn't even close and i was like oh no they're gonna yell at us so hard bro we forgot to do our closet first time i looked at my roommate in 45 minutes he is sweating profusely like he just got out of a sauna pit stains are developing left eyes twitching he's kind of swaying back and forth he looks at me with this pain face he goes jose man i'm really sorry for what is about to happen in this room and i was like i have put too much pressure on my roommate so i i tried to relieve the pressure i tried to tell him it's not the bigger deal we'll just get yelled at but i didn't get to finish that sentence because i said dude it's not that big a deal we'll just get you and then he farted for so long i thought he was gonna deflate like like those things in front of the car dealers when you shut them off at night it just wouldn't stop i'm like it's not that big a deal we just [Music] i thought he was gonna levitate like chris angel from the butt it was a full two minutes he finally was like and then i tried to tell a joke the joke i tried to tell was you know the loud ones don't usually smell that bad but i didn't get to finish that sentence either i was like you know the loud ones do it it's not my time to punch a fart out of the air and that is when the inspectors walked into the room there were three of them there's one very attractive female two dudes take the door she walks in on a weird scene there's my roommate all sweaty comes to attention big smile on his face i am no longer facing the right direction and i've come to attention but i just from the sound [Laughter] and she was a little like what is this they didn't train me for this action but i'll tell you this she was a professional because she did her job despite this unknown situation she walked in put her gloves on the hey did you even dust do you care at all this is the most she was a pretty lady she got ugly real fast she looks like those people in the movies when they turn into werewolves and the guys at the door don't know what's happening she turns around like well there's a demon at the air force academy and she tried to run away you can't run from a fart now once it's got you it's like stephen king's the mist you walk in you got a tail [Music] so she's dragging death behind her out the door like what's wrong they dropped their hats we got free hats they low crawled out of the room the three of them stood in the hallway for like five minutes like they'd been pepper sprayed ah now it's in my eyes somebody's like we gotta burn these clothes and then the third was like you know i heard help with pepper spray if you put milk on it they were like where are we gonna get milk steve they finally compose themselves they look in the room like you two are disgusting and they walked away so me and my roommate we go back to parade rest which is this position and i remember i said to my roommate that's it that wasn't that bad we should just do that every time just warn me next time i gotta breathe through your mouth it's like you're eating jalapenos my roommate looked at me and he said they didn't check the closet though did they i'm like no they didn't die [Music] local man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now they sent them to the bank should be going mom [Music] mom

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 240,511

Rating: 4.9150796 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jose Sarduy, Jose Sarduy Dry Bar Comedy, Jose Sarduy Comedy, Jose Sarduy Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Crazy mom, your mom is crazy, cuban, cuban family, miami, air force academy, room inspection

Id: X-rGqnPVxI4

Length: 38min 20sec (2300 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 06 2021