Dating Over 40 Is Like Thrift Store Shopping. Joe DeVito - Full Special

you know whenever i say that men laugh and women go what about carol so we get right into the personal stuff uh i'm a single guy i'm single and i just turned 50 which means i'm ready to cut a deal maybe you have a nut job sister-in-law you're trying to shove off on someone i'll take a look you know whenever i say that men laugh and women go what about carol [Applause] every woman has a specific nut job friend i immediately think of they're a single guy carol's due for release in a few weeks uh what's the range on her ankle monitor i'm not please i don't need your i don't need help meeting crazy women i've got that locked down trust me i'm good that's my core demographic but it is it's a strange age to be single at age 50 i didn't think that was going to happen to me and it's because dating is not designed for people my age you don't hear a lot about single guys my age and uh that's cause we're gross we're creepy i don't want to hear about it either i'd rather be up here talking about single women aged 25 to 30 but i can't do that because they blocked me on instagram they shut me down they said it's weird though i like when people say to me oh dating over 40 what's that market like yeah market uh well it ain't whole foods it's not the freshest selection i'll tell you what it's like shopping for a partner when you're 50 years old have you been to tj maxx that's what it's like yeah there's a selection but it's a a lot of last year's styles a lot of odd sizes and even if you bring something home you won't know exactly what's wrong until you've had it on you a couple of times you'll start looking for that receipt this is irregular this is very irregular because young people have things i don't have they have time they have energy they have that other nonsense hope they've got a lot of hope going on it's true man it is a strange situation to be in because i'm conserving my energy and i'm conserving my money right i don't do dinner dates anymore dinner why am i feeding you i don't even know you one of my meals on wheels this makes no sense and women say oh you're cheap and i say it's not just that cause i've been around and i know that women know they have a dinner date coming up they stop eating two weeks in advance to get their appetite up oh i went on a oh hey look i i last time i went on a dinner date what a nightmare talk about wasting a groupon this woman showed up ravenous like she got dropped off by the donner party i'd never seen she came in there foaming in a mouth i've never seen a human being eat like this she swallowed a steak in one bite like a boa constrictor i saw it moving down the side of her neck in one piece she was there to eat stuff in rolls in her dress pouring ketchup in her purse dessert cart came by she shot out the tires so they couldn't leave come on that's not classy that's not paleo women want that free meal and i i don't do and i sometimes i i said to one woman let's meet for coffee and she said coffee you think you're taking me on some kind of starbucks state i said starbucks you wish we're gonna meet at the bank the coffee's free grab yourself a lollipop on the way out [Laughter] i had one woman she was honest she told me she was looking for a sugar daddy i told her my wallet is hypoglycemic no sugar in this recipe sweetheart i keep my bank balance sweet and low i do have some financial issues i just got a bill in the mail that said final notice so that's a relief took him long enough to get the hint you can keep wasting postage all you want i've moved on so take that public library i've tried using the dating technology again it's it's not for people my age it's for millennials and so forth and and i laugh when people say well you know there are options for uh middle-aged people who want to meet online uh okay i've seen the commercials for our time that's what they call it it's the dating site for people over 50. it's our time no no our time was 1998. this is not hour this is overtime is with sudden death it says grab a chair before the music stops time and as far as these profiles go we need to pass some legislation about these pictures okay some sort of time date stamping write your congressman cause this is supposed to be a recent picture i see the hindenburg explosion in the background come on and no snapchat filters okay a woman's got a crown of animated flowers and little hearts what what is she trying to distract me from with all of this fireworks going on in the back what does she have some kind of weird mole or a goiter a mustache what's happening here you no more of this look just look it's a dating site there's only one picture we need to see it should be required for everyone and that is you naked on a scale holding a bank statement that's it because people are dishonest and i know it goes both ways because my female friends tell me that the men online lie about their height which is hilarious because the whole point is to meet that woman how do you show up eight inches shorter than you said you were what what's the plan you just keep moving around the whole night so she she can't get a read on how tall you are it's insane and i say this is a short guy i'm not trying to fool anyone mislead you and create optical illusions i don't put up pictures of me surrounded by chihuahuas wearing a top hat an umbrella i'm honest and i get punished because i tell women look i'm 50 and five foot six they think yeah he's 73 he's four feet tall i'm not interested i can't [Laughter] but it is uh it's tricky trying to find someone especially you know i'm getting older and strange things are happening to me my body is betraying me and that's what happens you don't realize that when you're younger if you have an injury there was an incident something happened to cause this you're 20 you're playing football i twisted my knee got to stop playing football then in your 40s it's the injury comes back ah the old football injuries in town again then you turn 50 and you think i was watching someone play football now there's a bone sticking out of my thigh i'm not sure and you can't get help either the doctors are useless the doctors used to give me prescriptions and routines for now i go in and i tell the doctor what's wrong and he repeats it back to me and that's the end of the session trust me if you're over 50 know you come and you say doc i think i hurt my elbows oh yeah you got to hurt elbow now well thanks for the second opinion i guess [Laughter] i get injured in ways i can't even explain i i was running to catch a train and i wasn't in a real hurry so i was doing that weird you know that weird run where one leg is running but the other leg's just kind of hanging back a little bit like i'm not in that much of her come on you're a team work together legs another leg was like take the next train so i get i step on the platform and as soon as i lift my leg up ah on this horrible shooting terrible pain in my calf i thought this feels serious i better try and ignore it a couple days later i had to go to the emergency room the doctor checks me out and he goes well you've ruptured your plantaris tendon i said oh do i need surgery nah you don't use it i said well excuse me but you have no idea what i do with my plantaris tendon uh what does it do he said no no no no you don't use it it's vestigial it's left over from when we used to walk on all fours in fact a lot of people don't even have it anymore i thought how old am i getting i'm rupturing tendons humans have evolved away from having i said well while we're here doc why don't you snip off my tail and see if i can walk upright and maybe discover fire on the way to the parking lot there's no way to prepare i threw my back out oh what was what was i doing climbing a mountain wrestling an alligator no just putting in eye drops i didn't know i was living on the edge tempting fate i i leaned back too far my spine snapped shut like a mouse trap visine and a death grip scrolling all over my face i thought i can't move is this what the plantaris does does it help putting in eye drops do you understand what this means this means i hurt myself while i was treating another medical condition what kind of future awaits tear off a band-aid i can't hear out of this side what happened alec [Laughter] i'm trying to fight it it's just even the good news someone said to me the other day hey you look pretty good for 50. it's barely a compliment pretty good for 50. what can i what's this the street value the cash value of pretty good hey you know you look like a lousy 45 how do you feel about that uh you know you look like a 38 in some kind of sleep deprivation experiment it's all it's adding up losing my hair this is my haircut this is my only option this is last stop before bald we call this sides and back sides and back ask for it by name sides and back top and front taking care of themselves i want to thin this out i just take a shower and it washes right out it's sides and back my barber has been cutting my hair for 10 years every time i come in he says the same thing what are we doing this time [Music] what do you think we're doing oh i'd like to try a french braid how about one dreadlock like a slim jim coming off the top here what kind of curveball am i going to throw sides and back that's all there is to be done that's my only option and i used to have choices oh i i used to get a mohawk every summer i got a mohawk now it looked like a semi-colon chunk missing [Laughter] i even had long hair oh my my long hair when i was in my 20s i grew my hair down the middle of my back now it grows from the middle of my back it's awful i go to the beach it's like my little ponies running around but i don't say any of this to my barber because my barber's russian you don't mess with russian people toughest people on earth no sense of humor you ever have a russian person tell you a joke it's just a scary story then they laugh at the end [Laughter] they give you a punchline like and then when do grandma die they always act like it's a translation issue nah it's much funnier in russian the whole village was killed that's what happens i and i don't know what it is for women but for men the big moment first time you get the electric ear and nose hair trimmer as a gift as a gift that means someone who loves you is saying please do something about that you're walking around that tarantula hanging out here i can't even look at you please it's so embarrassing because you you put it in your ear and you hear it make contact and you think what's growing inside my head and i'm italian i'm very hairy is it is it normal to go through two or three batteries in one use or is that too much to just i had to put a leaf bag on it like a lawnmower there's just so much they don't have a mulch setting it is scary yeah and i'm feeling i just went to visit my parents and they're older than me [Laughter] my folks are at the age where any kind of technology not interested anything could be a door stop tape dispenser they don't want to know they're not interested in learning as soon as i get there i pull into the driveway my father runs out you have to come look at the computer because i'm under 70 so that makes me tech support i tell them you use it three times a year how bad can it be then i go upstairs oh how long has smoke been coming out of the printer my dad's main online activity is he and his retired friends email each other vacation photos in formats no one can open no one has ever successfully viewed a single photo because they won't update they they're all running windows 75 nothing works anymore and they get the notifications so they think oh it's a scam it's the russians delete delete delete now i'm looking at an email dad i think this attachment is an eight track how did he do this [Music] yeah he cracks me up and i have to say if you're a person who has parents who are senior citizens next time you visit have him driving around a little bit my father's lost all conception of consistent pressure on the gas pedal i don't know if it's uh perhaps a torn plantaris it could be a plantaris issue no more this what he does now is he he he floors it and then he lets it all run out and he floors it his car looks like it's skipping down the street i'm sitting next to him my neck hurts getting seasick we were on the highway he slowed down so much i thought he wanted me to get out he's going to leave me here on the median but he still does the classic dad move though if the the traffic stops short the the dad hand to the passenger eye ear nose and throat area just smacking you right in the face still doing it who's grown son because the the windshield the seat belt these things won't save me but his scrawny 75 year old arm get a little karate chop to the throat it's not going to work and i'll tell you why because his reaction time is slow it's a little off schedule so whatever happened he's not kicking in for quite a while and then out of nowhere hey dad whoa we're sitting on the couch what are you doing we're in home 15 minutes he's making me nervous because he just had a little fender bender i think it was his fault he hit a parked car it was parked in his driveway and it was my car watched the whole thing happen through the living room window i heard him revving up in the garage i'd never seen him drive that fast just bam eight feet full speed into the side of my car and i ran i said oh wow are you all right i couldn't believe i had to ask this i said didn't you see my car was there and he got mad at me my father said well your car's not usually there when i back out i said hey dad uh let's not drive from memory the world is changing it's changing all the time and my mother's worse because my mother's shrinking that's what happens to italian people as we get older we just keep getting smaller and smaller i saw it happen my grandparents they turned into little italian salt and pepper shakers you can hold them it's like a disney movie so my mother is shrinking and she drives looking through the steering wheel like she's holding a hula hoop in her hands that's not safe the other drivers they don't even know she's in there they just see the haunted honda drifting through traffic so here's what i want to do i want to get mom one of those big wooden ships wheels you know the ones with the knobs and that way we can stick in the middle of the dash and she can drive standing up like a pirate let's put a parrot on her shoulder all right i'd be going to the deli who's coming with me it's good to visit with them though i i forgot that my dad is one of the all-time great throat it clearers sounds like he's got a big announcement coming up a lot of that hem we used to do when we were kids oh we we'd hear my dad in the bathroom every morning tuning up he'd like to start every morning with 20 minutes of this [Applause] [Music] like you could tell he couldn't get under it so he had to come at it from different angles here we think what are you trying to knock loose at eight o'clock in the morning do you you swallow a pine cone overnight [Applause] my sister and i would laugh my mother would yell this don't make fun of your father [Music] and then she'd yell at him frank stop it i couldn't even defend himself yet i wouldn't have laughed if i know it was hereditary i i got the gene i got the hat gene it's terrifying oh man and i i like i said i trying to date try dating younger women that's a mistake every man thinks he can get away with it because we're so delusional every man thinks he's just a bathrobe away from being hugh hefner devoted himself to it now i tried going out on a date with a woman quite a bit younger than me and i'll give you some advice if you're on a date with someone who's 20 years younger uh when your food comes out don't take out your vitamins doesn't look cool and i have the tray with the compartments she's never seen she thought it was a harmonica now i have to walk her through everything well uh these are my fish oil capsules so i apologize if we're kissing and there's a weird burp this is my glucosamine chondroitin blend which explains the crunching noise my knees made when we sat down [Laughter] uh these three are stuck together but i'm taking them anyway and this is a dime i was about to swallow so i'm glad we i'm trying to stay healthy uh i'm back at the gym i am so sore right now oh how long are you supposed to rest between workouts because it was six years i felt like that should i can't recover i can't and i know it i went into my gym and they put up these motivational posters to frighten you into having a good workout and they put up a new one by the squat rack and said go heavier go home so i went heavy should have gone home uh i went to do my squats i went all the way down and i i remained there i couldn't get back up i i had to crawl out from under the bar that's familiar because the guys at the gym saw made a big noise and there's things you want to hear those guys say you want to hear things like you got it oh you you don't want to hear things like are you okay sir do you need us to call someone are you wearing a special bracelet sir can can you hear me can you hear me of course right next to me some big big gorilla in the next squat rack had 600 pounds on the bar he looked at me and he said can you give me a spot i don't like how you laughed at that already i told him i i said i don't even think i could slow that down if something went wrong i said the best i can do is try and talk you out of it and i did he went home we actually left we got something but the way your body turned i went to get my teeth cleaned i thought i was going to be in and out couple minutes no problem they wouldn't let me leave first the dentist and her physician is assistant whatever they call them their little henchwoman there they come in with this tray of tools like i'm in a muffler shop she's working in my mouth poking and scraping and jabbing and sticking all these things in there and then when she's done she said i noticed a little bleeding in your gums have you noticed any bleeding recently i said how recently do you mean because everything was fine when i came in before you started stabbing me in the face that little ice pick i have a tooth that's moving around right up front that's what you anybody here under 40 has that to look forward to one day a random tooth says oh time to take a trip around your face right there dentist saw that she said i noticed you have a little crowding that's what she called it crowding like my face is a bus stop notice you have a little crowding have you ever thought about braces yeah thought about them all the time when i had them i was 12 years old well you're gonna need braces again again twice in one lifetime no so i refuse to be balding and have a retainer at the same time braces ooh do they come with some acne and a def leopard t-shirt so i can relive the 80s her next question i thought she was messing with me straight face a dentist said do you grind your teeth when you're asleep oh i'll have to check the overnight tooth cam so i grind my teeth the dentist said i need a mouth guard if you don't know what a mouth guard is for a mere eight hundred dollars they'll make a custom fit orthodontic device the size of a horseshoe which i will cram into my face every evening to keep me from chewing on myself and won't that be a hit with the ladies i'm so glad you could spend the night just give me one moment here so i don't claw your eyes out well she has breakfast [Music] what woman wants to wake up next to hannibal lecter i said i'm not spending 800 on a mouth guard it would be cheaper to just put a wad of cash in my mouth every night gnaw on that and then it occurred to me i thought you know i could probably find a better deal online and i did i went to amazon instead of one mouth guard for 800 dollars got a pack of 12 3.45 before i went to sleep i put that flimsy mail-order mouth guard in my mouth and i don't know if it worked because when i woke up it was gone i don't know if i swallowed it maybe it's under the bed i don't know and i don't care i got 11 more to go baby amazon prime's free shipping i'll put the whole box in my mouth i don't care i'm making money on this so then the final insult my dentist tells me i have acid reflux my dentist it turns out at night while i'm asleep the stomach acid refluxes i guess first it fluxes and it thinks that's pretty cool and then it refluxes over and over thanks to the acid reflux i'm eroding my teeth from in back but the good news is with the grinding i'm eroding my teeth from in front so according to my dentist within two years i will have eaten and digested my entire head and by the year 2025 just shoes with glasses that's all that's left that would have dissolved my entire body and slept through the whole thing to look forward to it sounds it just i i know the young people here they can't they can't comprehend what i'm telling them but it's the truth listen now you you look like you're on a field trip how old are you 28 you got two years left to do anything interesting you want to do anything crazy you got to do before you're 30. so if you want to do any any bungee jumping or getting out of a chair too fast you got to do that now okay they hate you so much thank you so much young we could cut your arm off would grow back like a starfish you have no idea the power you have it annoying anybody under 40 gives me their opinion i say two words you'll see [Laughter] someone in their 20s i can barely hear what you're saying i look at you and all i see are stem cells i can just melt you down and inject you into my ankle oh man so i still get a lot of pressure from my family to settle down i feel bad my poor father took me aside he said you know your mother and i really want grandkids and i said well then you better get cracking but the guilt trip still i went to visit my family and my mother and father cornered me yelling at me i'm a grown man the two of them freaking out joseph you need a plan you don't have any children who's gonna take care of you when you get old that's when it hit me uh they think i'm gonna take care of them now who needs a plan [Laughter] no i'd like to have kids one day but just for the one day because they're very annoying constant demands uh clothe me feed me let me sleep inside when does it end but some people have cool kids this is this is so awesome friend of mine just had a baby kid's got an extra finger on one hand i'm delighted i i'm so thrilled and no one else wants to talk about it it's a friend of the family and i found out because my mother left a voice message a strange message judy just had a beautiful baby girl but it has six fingers on one hand don't say anything click so i called back and i said well the finger's on the kid's hand right yeah of course well not if the fingers come out of her forehead we got some issues right unless you know unless she has glass it's kind of convenient then see i look on the bright side i don't offense any unicorn people out here but on the hand it's much better to have that extra finger so i went to see the baby and when i walked in people took me aside and they said just just don't draw any attention to the extra finger and i said yeah that's the only reason i'm here you think i just come see people's babies what are you crazy i'm delighted i say get that kid a guitar think about it that could be the next lady van halen right there it's extra it's bonus you've never heard that before yeah dun dun dun dun wow you'll hear that you think well we've heard done done done done before but dun dun dun dun that's a whole new sound that's a that's a hit record right there keep it in there so i took i took those parents aside and i said listen don't listen to these other people okay no one's gonna make fun of your kid you tell you it's a blessing to have that beautiful healthy that little six-fingered freaky baby there that is a gift okay that is good luck and i'll tell you why because that kid's gonna win every argument that starts with first of all because you don't know she's got one in the chamber uh-huh she's got an extra she's got reinforcements okay so you'll make your big discussion and your argument and your points you think got all wrapped up and then suddenly i don't know where she hits you with and in conclusion i think you win again six-fingered baby you guys have been a delight my name is joe devito thank you so much you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,176,912

Rating: 4.8653412 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Joe Devito, Joe DeVito Dry Bar Comedy, Joe DeVito Comedy, Joe Devito Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comey, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, dbc, stand Up, dating, dating after 40, dating market, crazy friend, human evolution, T.J. Maxx

Id: tzoGTQXBATM

Length: 35min 45sec (2145 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 16 2020

Reddit Comments

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[u/Bbqchilifries]

I tried to see what it's about and couldn't get past 5-6 minutes.

"Naked on a scale with a bank statement." Wtf. This is not the sort of guy any woman should have to put up with.

You're 50 and you still haven't gotten your insecurities in order and project it on to women as a whole? Quite a fucking catch if you tell me.

[u/coolestgirlyoueverme]

Typical old scrote who reeks of entitlement. He has nothing to offer, so why does he expect so much?

[u/pikkpie]

One comment under this scrote's video. "I had one woman tell me she "wasn't a coffee date girl". I said ,too bad. BLOCKED"

[u/carlther]

Um, I'm dating over 40, I look like I'm in my twenties, and I can tell you, the men in my dating pool are downright DISGUSTING. I'm dating at 40 because I wasted my youth on ABUSIVE NON-COMMITTAL MEN. There is nothing wrong with me. I could have my pick of N/LVMs but I DON'T WANT IT! This guy lacks self awareness. HE is the joke.

[u/pearlspaghetti]

His bit is audacious but it’s nothing new, frankly what’s more upsetting is all the women in the audience all-out hyena cackling as he’s standing there insulting them to their face. Maybe they feel safe because of their age, or perhaps they’re already married, but even still there’s no guarantee that you won’t ever enter the dating scene again. Your partner can leave you or even die prematurely, and then what? Would you agree that you’re automatically inferior goods from “TJ Maxx?” Disgusting. This guy’s hairline has gone from widow’s peak to peninsula, and in a few years it will probably be an island, yet he has the gall to talk about selections that aren’t the “freshest”.

[u/MinervaBitchcraft]

"You look pretty good for a 50..."

Lol - welcome to the "You look pretty good for your age." women have to deal with since they turn 19...

They only get to experience that after 50, good for them!

[u/yomommahouse]

It's very important ladies to find out what kind of "comedy" the man you are dating is into. As I found out, my ex was into some very misogynistic stuff. I sat down with him to watch some stand up "comedian" he loved and he was just dying at all the disgusting sexist jokes. I was like, oh so why is that so funny to you? He was like, iT's jUsT a jOke! I'm like well if you are laughing at a joke that all men cheat, then you must agree with that, otherwise you wouldn't think that is funny. Surprise, surprise, after he told me how of course he would never cheat and that it's just silly comedy, he did turn out to be a cheater. If you are with a man that thinks this shit is funny, dump him in the garbage where he belongs.

[u/Exsqueeze_meh]

Sounds like he’s deciding to “settle” in order to avoid DUN DUN DUnnnnnnn Dying Alone!

Proof of projection when men try to threaten us with dying alone because our standards are too high 😆 they’re the ones who are afraid of dying alone.