Junk- Cars And Valet Parking. Chad Thornsberry - Full Special

said well don't you believe in karma yeah i believe in karma i just got a free soda okay let's get into this tell me who was wrong on this i was coming in off the road the other day and i stopped and i got a soda in mcdonald's one dollar eight cents okay pull up to the window and the girl said did you have the soda yes i did and she said well the guy in front of you paid for you now i know how this is supposed to work i'm supposed to pay for the people behind me they pay for the people behind them and somehow that makes us a better world somehow except i look in the rearview mirror and i've got a suv behind me with about eight kids and i'm not paying 85 bucks for a soda but she's in the window and she can literally look down on me she goes well the guy in front of you paid for you i'm like well if i see him i'll say thanks and left [Applause] [Music] and so i'm telling my wife about this she said well you're supposed to pay for the people behind you i know that i'm not going to do that she said we can afford it that's not the point he said well don't you believe in karma yeah i believe in karma i just got a free soda that's karma telling me i'm not that bad of a guy that's what that is we uh i had to fly out one time and i don't i come from a very rural part of the country which we'll get to here in a second and the closest airport's about three hours away so i didn't want to leave my uh truck at the airport for like four weeks when i was going to be gone so what i did i went to a local army base and they flew me out to the larger airport is one of those really small cessnas like those eight seat planes and i'd never flown on one of those before and i'm looking out the window with this plane and we're in a line i hear the woman in front of me say 140. i don't know what that means but now it's my turn i walk up there and she said are you flying to st louis yes i am she said well how much do you weigh why do you need to know how much i weigh he said because we base boarding the plane according to the passenger's weights so that way the wings stay balanced she said but the first thing i need to do is to get your bags no the first thing you need to do is to get her back over here because there's no way she weighs 140. i'm not trying to embarrass anybody here but i'm not going to wind up a story on the news because this woman doesn't want to admit she slides through burger king every once in a while that's not my problem [Laughter] so now i have to stand over to the side and like calculate all the lies that everybody else is telling 140 no you know the guy walked up he's like i'll probably 175 yeah in high school you weighed 175. so finally it's my turn it's like mr thornberry how much do you weigh apparently 844 pounds i don't come from a big city uh like this i grew up in a trailer park is by now you've guessed i had somebody asked me the other day if this is my real voice like if i had the talent to do voices this is the one i'm picking [Laughter] he's like man don't worry about it women love guys with accents no they don't they like guys with good accents and i see the difference because i'm working with a buddy of mine he's a comic he's from australia he's got that big dick aussie that english sound yeah a lot of women find that really sexy and i have this and they hear my buddy talks like wow did you hear that accent i bet that means he is great with women and they hear me talks like wow did you hear that accent i bet that means he can fix my tractor which i can but that's not the point that's completely not what i'm talking [Applause] about grow up still live in a small town in missouri it's called crocker's population about 900 give or take and people are always asking like man how can you live in a town that small why i have advantages you guys don't have i'll never be the victim of an internet scam [Music] i'm getting set up for my fantasy baseball this year an ad pops let's play for a one-time credit card payment of 99.95 we can send you the links and addresses of 8 000 hot and available women in your town tonight no you can't incorrect i understand why people make fun of where i come from i get it i know a guy that wants to date his cousin i know that guy and he's asked my advice goes man what do you think uh no would be my assessment of that no and he's all upset like well you know are you serious man are you serious he goes no it's not what you're thinking we just have a lot in common yeah like [Laughter] uncles now a lot of comments they get here and they bash marriage and they rip their wives it's a very popular thing to do can be very funny i get that i really don't do that i am married myself i love my wife she's absolutely incredible and with all the stuff going on it's very comforting for me in the world you know all these people getting divorced is very comforting for me i know that we will never get divorced ever you want to know how i know that we don't own anything worth fighting over what are we going to divorce over our thrift store couch be the worst divorce ever you're going to load that thing up and haul it off when you leave here no i loaded that piece of junk up once and brought it here i'm not loading it back up again still got a cut on my leg from the spring that shoots through the bottom of them not touching it the only time that i was ever worried that something like that might possibly happen to us is anytime she wants to play board games now my wife is very competitive so am i that doesn't work out let me explain something to you fellas you beat your wife three times in a row playing connect four you're going to be connecting with the couch later on just the way life works out but she had some people over one night she said hey you know we should do let's play a game yeah that's a good idea we haven't hated each other yet today let's do that and she goes to the closet and she brings out the game pictionary i'm not going to belabor you guys with all the rules depiction last square on the board is called all play whenever anybody's on that square everybody draws the same word at the same time whichever team screams it out first wins my turn to draw for the win look at the word gorilla i can't draw a gorilla but what i can do is this i can draw a tree where she will guess tree i will draw a banana in the tree she will guess banana and then i'm going to draw something in the tree hanging onto the banana looks like it's got a head and a tail in the foot and she's going to go monkey and i'm going to give her this sign and she's going to click down to gorilla that's the way it's playing in my head for the win gorilla tree banana chimpanzee chimpanzee and i know what's getting ready to happen i'm starting to sweat i can feel my pulse pick up a little bit you know it's not a chimpanzee no it isn't chip that's the same thing can you shorten the word and then just lose your mind start arguing with everybody chad you're not supposed to talk during pictionary does it look like we're helping each other out over here it took you 45 seconds to get light bulb how about you worry about your own game we end up losing of course my fault of course she asked me what was it it was a gorilla cheddar doesn't look like gorilla you're right it doesn't it doesn't look like a chimpanzee and you guess that 14 times we got an argument last winter over a puzzle do you know the amount of love and passion you have to have for another human being to be able to argue over a puzzle i was coming in off the road bad winter storm getting ready to hit where we live get in garage door comes down everybody's in everybody's safe okay now this is going to be our time together she turns on the christmas lights snow big flakes just starting to drift you know very norman rock wellish looking kind of thing we turn off the phones turn off the tv there's no one else in the world at that moment except for her and me and i dump out this puzzle now i know the first thing about putting together a puzzle is that you have to flip over the pieces where the right side up and i know that because i'm somebody that was raised by people [Laughter] and i start flipping over all these pieces and i hear my wife say hey i got one what i got one well we need to flip over all the pieces first i just thought i'd go ahead and start you need to start by helping me flip over all the pieces so we can do this together which is why we spent eight bucks a dollar general in the first place i just need a little bit more yellow yeah it probably looks brown because once again all the pieces aren't flipped over yet fine flipped him now she's mad flipping flip we get them all flipped i was like okay let's find all the edge pieces i don't want to start on the edge i want to start in the middle what are you a serial killer who starts in the middle of a puzzle i will get home tomorrow night and uh she will have dinner fixed for me because she's wonderful like that she is a better woman than i deserve and something gets messed up with my flight and i get in late she will have it wrapped up on the stove waiting for me because she's perfect and she will even ask me what i want and i get to pick and sometimes i get that answer wrong i love saying that and watching all the young guys go what does that mean all the old married guys like i know what he's talking about i got that she's not a good sleeper i don't mean she has insomnia this is how we sleep at night we like to have the tv on that's a very common thing now uh and when it's winter it's really cool we like to crack the windows in our bedroom brings a little bit of the cold air so you wrap up in the comforters really helps you sleep well right now we live like i said in a very rural area and our neighbor behind us run cattle that will moo at night now our dogs hear this and will bark at the cattle so to drown all this out we turn on the fan in the bedroom and when i say the fan i don't mean the cute little plastic oscillating fan with the remote that you can buy no i mean like the big heavy metal box fans from the 40s they had to stop producing because they had metal blades and people were falling into them getting shoulders locked off you know and that's how we sleep so one night we have the tv on cows mooing dogs barking propeller fans rattling she rolls over wakes me up chad chad what i think i heard something i hope so we got bigger problems to talk about i don't hear very well out of my left ear and she knows that and she's very conscious about it and she does a really good job of looking me directly in the face and she will speak very slowly enunciate everything very clearly as long as she's giving me the most worthless piece of information she has at that time and then if it's anything important then i need to know it's a coin flip whether i ever get it or not you know she got home the other day she goes oh you know what i saw coming up the driveway what a rabbit okay it's like oh and don't forget about your doctor's appointment tomorrow what doctor's point why i told you i had a doctor when did you tell me i had a doctor's appointment well you were in the shower with the bathroom door closed i was in the basement behind the furnace you didn't hear me [Music] hold on these are better if i can do them with a straight face give me a [Applause] second i don't know before this i was a teacher i got a i taught high school english at state of missouri for a couple years and teachers in here tonight by chance are you are you really jet i really can't see just yelled out what do you teach art art okay that's kind of different you tell students in art there's no such thing as a stupid question that's such a lie isn't it because let me tell you something when you teach not only are there stupid questions those are generally the only kind you get it's the middle of october my kids were studying legends sleepy hollow headless horseman that whole thing i've got a kid in the back of the room raising his hand said mr thornsberry wouldn't that be really weird if halloween and friday the 13th happened on the same day that'd be spooky [Laughter] i had a kid tell me he was going to drop out of school i said what are you planning to do without a high school education he said don't worry about it i'm gonna get my egd maybe i knew teaching wasn't my chosen profession i called in the office on the second day second day or had a parent mad at me i walked in and this dad jumped up and said i heard you called my daughter stupid like i would never call your daughter stupid i asked her if she was stupid [Laughter] i know there seems like there should be a second part to that joke but that's where that one ends that's where we go on now the thing i was most proud of when i taught was always developed a good rapport with my students and i always knew they could come to me if they ever had problems with anything that's one of the most important things i still believe that i had a girl walk into my room before school one day she had been crying and i asked her what was wrong she said my boyfriend and my dad just got into a fight and then my boyfriend was bringing me to school he was taking it out on me and he was calling me fat he was calling me lazy and he was calling me dumb i said you'd want to be with that loser anyway he doesn't respect the person you are today which means he will never respect the person you're going to become in the future and she said you're so nice i wish you were him like i really don't make a good boyfriend she said i met my dad you're really old whatever fatty [Music] [Applause] i didn't say that that's a joke but out of all the things that i will say in any of my shows that's the joke that people have an issue with it's completely made up it did not happen that way but that's the one i had a woman come to me after a show one night she's about five foot two weighs about three forty i have no problem with that in the world i don't care she said i didn't appreciate your little fat girl joke she said you can't judge people like that you wouldn't know about looking to me but i'm a dietitian you're right you slip that one right past me my wife ordered inspirational checks the other day which i think you should have a certain amount of money in the bank before you get the checks it's really tough for me to seize the day when i've got 48 bucks looking at me you know whatever life throws that you have the ability to bounce back i don't want the word bounce written on any check i'm trying to give somebody i said at home the other day and uh she was like i said my computer stopped working she goes oh call leanne's husband he can fix anything with computers okay so my truck's making this rattling sound call sherry's husband he's a mechanic i'm like does that ever bother you that you're not gonna be that story in somebody else's house what are you talking about there's never a couple center arms on hunting what's wrong i just wish i could write some jokes about pictionary and puzzles oh call dana's husband that's what he does i don't know how i turned out this way i really don't i blame it on my brother actually i have a brother that's five years older than i am he got all the toys when they were new and if your younger brother or sister see people already not you don't get another new toy you get the broken things been shoved in the back of the closet for years you know then he had a brand new cnc right out of the box and you get the animal point the mark of the and pull the string and makes a sound the animal by the time i got mine the marker to the animal and the sound didn't even match anymore [Music] you want to make sure a kid repeats kindergarten you hand them a broken sea and say that's almost a guarantee listen to the cat i read an amazing story about a guy that was killed by his cat he is fixing dinner his cat's walking along the counter knocks over a loaded gun and hits the floor goes off hits him in the head kills him that's tragic i understand that but if you're a guy and you have a loaded gun and there's still a cat walking around kind of your fault not everybody appreciates that one i gotta be real honest with you if anybody in here was sincerely upset about the uh cat killing joke i would like to apologize for it but there's a second part to it so buckle up here we go my friend had a cat and i just i couldn't stand i'm not a cat guy i don't like him so every time i'd go over to her place and sit down it tried to get around my foot so she wasn't looking i tried to kick it but they're really quick so by the time my foot was extended it was already on the tv just looking at me going so i went by one day and she was all up so i'm like you know what's going on she said my cat was killed right really what happened she said it got crushed in the garage door like oh how slow do i kick my first cnc had a wolf and a coyote on it both they expect a preschooler to be able to differentiate between a wolf and a coyote i can't do that now the only difference is i know it is a wolf will hunt smaller animals primarily at night as opposed to a coyote and get a paintbrush and paint the side of a cliff to look like a train tunnel in about two seconds anybody here under 25 is like what does that mean what's that i don't know if you guys could tell when i walk up here but i'm a little bit hobbled and i tell the story it's not oh listen to what he's been to listen what he's overcome but i tell a story because uh before this incident happened that i'm getting ready to tell you about i had not spent a night in the hospital literally since the day i was born i've been extremely extremely lucky but when you've been out of the hospital systems that long and then you're forced back into it you're not aware how the hospitals work and i got to tell you i'm not that big of a fan i pull up the morning of my surgery and the guy goes okay you need to go on the second deck go in the parking garage hit the blue button on the machine for what your ticket what ticket your parking ticket i have to pay to park at the hospital yes is billy joel playing inside or something heals no but when you leave if you get this validated it'll save you a dollar fifty oh perfect because i'm sure when i leave here in three days that's what i'll be concerned about is where's my buck and a half you know surgeon walks in smartest man i've ever met in my life he knows more about what he's getting ready to do to me than anything i'll ever know ever you want to know what he can't do he can't use the pronoun we correctly because he tells me chad you and i are on a team we are going to work together the first thing we are going to do like doc we aren't doing a thing you went to harvard medical school i go to provo utah to tell c and say jokes for money that's you and i'm cool with that how about you just give me something that's going to knock me out and you do whatever you think you should do he's like he's telling me what's going to happen and here's what we're doing and he keeps searching in his pockets and as he's talking he pulls out a marker and he writes r-o-k on my leg and i'm like please tell me you're not trying to spell the word rock for some reason and he goes no those are my initials why are you signing my leg he goes that way when we get you in the operating room we know for sure which leg to operate on we're not using these fancy machines in here you know trailer park boy gets a sharpie is that what's going on [Laughter] what happens if you can't find that what if you left it in your office what are we down to a coin flip after that talking to the nurse you see which leg it was yeah i was looking at it as a mirror it was kind of backwards i don't know which way we go with it i don't know so he goes on and he walks off the nurse walks in she said uh chad you know i just want to tell you that uh you mis filed your paperwork you left a question blank who would you like for us to contact in case of an emergency and i said how about another doctor it kind of worries me that i have to tell you that in all honesty she goes okay uh your final blood draw came back everything looks good um good luck whoa what good luck is he not coming back i'm not stuck with the dude from the parking garage am i it's like no that's just something we say no that's what the waitress told me last night the mexican restaurant i know how that night ended up good luck but like i said i'm very lucky everything came out very very well until i'm laying at home a couple of weeks later and i get the first build mr thornsbury if your insurance does not provide for this this is going to be the amount you're responsible for 186 thousand dollars well yep good luck oh wait give me that back in the back coming to minus dollar fifty i have a daughter from a previous marriage my wife has two dogs from a previous marriage so we had to get the new family picture taken which is fine i love my family but it bugs me the kind of poses the photographers put you in no one's ever leaned up against a tree like this ever never happened did i always do that finger laced on the fence post kind of let me tell you something i grew up on a farm i have fixed a lot of fence if i'm ever working with my dad and he looks down the fence line at me and i'm looking back at him doing this that's a hayfield butt kicking coming up i just had to ask the photographer like why do you put us in poses like that i just like things to look natural this is what he expects you to believe for our natural family picture he just had me walking through the woods with a camera and a tripod comes across an abandoned barn in front of this barn our strategically placed railroad ties on these ties from shortest to tallest is a family of five looking at him smiling wearing matching sweaters you know how creepy that'd be in real life you just walked up on that two days before i got married uh one of my best friends sent me an article it was about a couple that got divorced now what the judge did he gave the wife 86 of the marital estate gave the husband 14 but let the husband pick any 14 percent he wanted he took like you know tvs and cars and things like that but what if that would ever be me i would take my 14 but only if it's going to directly affect her 86 percent what you want the dryer fine i want the dryer door i'm going to go to the refrigerator i'm taking the straws off all the capri suns all of them those are mine give them here open them up with a fork the way the pioneers did i don't know what to tell you you want the truck fine i'll take the brakes tried to help my wife plan for our wedding learned a lot of things about myself that i didn't know i discovered that i was colorblind because she sent me the store to bring back something that was cornflower and i brought back something that was periwinkle [Laughter] because i'm a raging lunatic apparently and i can't believe how upset she is about this you can't tell the difference between these two colors hey i didn't know those were colors well this one obviously has purple in it no you know what obviously has purple purple that's what obviously has a little splash of purple to it won't let it go has to justify it well you should know what color cornflower is it was a color we had in our crayon boxes and we were in school wasn't in my crayon box princess 64 crayons flip top fancy sharpener in the back all those people you want me to tell you who they are those are the other broke kids like me that had the crayola 8 beginner box the jumbos of that kind i almost flunked art in first grade because of those crayons teacher walked over like chad you know you really got out the lines here when you're coloring the sun i know my yellow crayon weighs nine pounds and i'm six kids would always ask them to borrow my crayons i think it was just a mess with me you know because i only had eight chad you have scarlet no i have red oh do you have mahogany no that would be brown really you have tan yeah it's brown you just color really lightly okay i've got one more chunk of stuff home get out of your way um let you guys enjoy the rest of your evening i uh sometimes i get put when i get put on the road i get put in situations where i don't feel comfortable and i don't mean a bad situation i grew up in a trailer park missouri for heaven's sake i can deal with bad situations but sometimes i get put in a really really great situation and i don't know how to deal with it like a top of the line five-star hotel i'm not a top-of-the-line five-star hotel kind of guy i'm a guy that wears a jacket on stage only have to iron this part of my shirt kind of guy i don't like it you know what a top of the line five-star hotel doesn't have the complimentary breakfast i need the complimentary breakfast i don't care about the thread count on your pillowcases i want some free waffles i love a free i love a free hotel breakfast so much sometimes i'll have one at a hotel i didn't stay that is not a joke so here's my store i'm doing a corporate shows for pepsi in chicago a really really good gig and i pull up to the hotels like part of the old architectural part of downtown chicago and i'm looking at this wondrous building i'm like oh man i am not going to fit in this place at all as i'm staring at the door to my truck opens as i'm turning out the corner of my eye i see somebody start to get in so just out of reaction i just turn and shove this guy and it kind of stumbles backwards i'm like dude what are you doing he said sir i'm your valet it's like oh but in my defense i don't drive the kind of vehicle that you typically valet i drive the kind of vehicle before somebody else gets in it you need to start explaining things about it if anybody else ever had this you know you have to give them that speech because you don't want anybody hurt but you really don't want to admit what kind of death trap you're willing to drive on a daily basis you're going to park this yes sir um okay just so you know probably won't even happen but occasionally if you make a really sharp left-handed turn and the defrost switch is slid all the way to the right the back wheel pops off oh no i'm not a mechanic i think it's a wiring issue but i don't know that you know so everything we just find gets in shuts the door leaves or tries to shut the door but he's never been in a vehicle before where shutting the door is more than a one-step process he's never been in that pull and lift door shut that you have to lift the exact correct second or your door boom you're early boom your leg screaming at him like it's his fault my door won't close so we end up getting his door closed and he's rattling it down the stream like okay which way is he going to go makes that big sweeping left i'm like all right dude you're on your own i don't know i don't know how much clear i could have been about that [Music] go in and i tried checking i was like yeah i'm comedian doing the show tonight she said okay perfect she said uh your room's ratio i just need a credit card i said well pepsi was supposed to take care of my room said no pepsi paid for the room i just need your card for incidentals like oh okay i'm not gonna have any she goes no that's just if you uh call down and get room service you see a movie on tv you want no i know what the word means i'm just explaining i'm not going to have any of this and just kind of looks around making sure nobody's near leans across the counter she goes let's kind of just pretend what are you talking about how about i pretend to hand you a card you can make believe to swipe it if it makes you feel better i guess and i'll for real go to sleep [Music] so i can lock your room without a card on file okay here's my card she wrench goes oh i'm sorry it was declined my pretend charge just got rejected i'm not a wealthy man i thought i could afford free shield while our machines wouldn't accept the car seat do you take inspirational checks i don't know what else you're doing [Applause] so we don't charge the car but we put him out of a hold on it and it wouldn't accept that amount i said how much was that amount she said 750 dollars say do you think our machines are malfunctioning nope i think those are working perfectly i spit my card out quick didn't i was watching those are pretty good machines i mean i they ended up letting me in my room which they did not have to do very nice and they didn't have to do that and all the years i've ever done this i had never received a call on the hotel phone it's kind of weird after a few minutes my phone started going on page like hello i said yeah this is becky from downstairs i was wondering how your room looks have you never been up here you can come up here and look around if you want it's all right i mean it's not worth 750 and no waffles but it's okay i guess [Applause] she goes i was just worried if you had any concerns i'm a little concerned your valet's not going to make it back guys i've got to go you've been absolutely fantastic i appreciate it thank you so much [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,583,004

Rating: 4.8896728 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Chad Thornsberry, Chad Thornsberry Dry Bar Comedy, Chad Thornsberry Comedy, Chad Thornsberry Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Chad Thornsberry Full Set, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Hospital system, small town, southern comedian, teacher, dumb questions, pictionary, dbc

Id: zf2QE3ZEmDM

Length: 38min 55sec (2335 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 18 2020