The Most Sarcastic Comedian Of All Time. Bob Zany - Full Special

what we do is we play fox news 24 7 so everybody thinks we have a gun i have to say something up front there's been some concerns about my comedy and i want to reassure the producers and everybody here that i've gotten rid of the jokes that are off color that are offensive and and may hurt someone so i want to thank you you've been a fantastic crowd goodnight everybody [Applause] god i'm excited to be here you know you started out in this business there's a lot of naysayers and dream busters going bob you'll never perform across the street from b h pharmacy in downtown provo i've arrived baby [Applause] okay everything goes away got planned i got big plans i'll beat the red lobster in ogden in no time i'll be at the red lobster in ogden they're not known for their comedy [Laughter] it's really their cheesy biscuit you know i said that one night this guy said it's a cheddar bay biscuit you know as a comedian usually you don't get heckled with facts so that's my hook if i misspeak feel free to correct throughout the presentation i'm so excited to be here i came here in a rental car and i'm in idaho and well unlimited miles that's where they don't charge you for all the miles so this is weird my wife gets a letter in the mail today from bank of america she called me up to the estate of me bank of america thinks i'm dead so my wife calls up and she gets that customer service agent and you know they're reading from a script she says my husband isn't dead and she says i'm sorry to hear that of course my wife says you what about me and now they're having lunch on tuesday so i live in los angeles to anybody from l.a yeah a lot of transplants uh interesting thing and now by the way can i just say nothing screams a mid-life crisis like a goatee and nipple rings i'm kidding i don't have a goatee anyway oh you got that one huh yeah that was a process of elimination joke la's changing the demographics are changing for fourth of july my wife and i we actually went to the store to get some apple pie and hot dogs and it was in the ethnic food section [Applause] have a lot of immigration rallies i love it when an undocumented worker holds up a sign saying not my president because i'm thinking technically they're right who got hurt on that come on just laugh people a lot of crime where i live i live in the valley of los angeles a lot of crime i used to be able to actually put the key to the front door under the mat on the porch now matt's a homeless guy living there but we did get a new security system what we do is we play fox news 24 7 so everybody thinks we have a gun [Applause] you think i'm kidding but the neighbors watched msnbc been robbed four times it's just image how you doing sir what's your name scott and what do you do for libby scott mortgage broker you look sad the rates are going down aren't they scotty i you know i bought my house in l.a at the height of the market in 2005. and you know what i do for halloween i hand out negative equity to the kids here's a grand pay it off trick it's bad i'm hosting a show on a e now it's called flip off this house in those two jokes my equities still have not come back i'm going to be telling some jokes a little later on what's your name adam nice to meet you you're having is that your lovely wife don't even have to look she's always there isn't she adam yeah luckily why because you screw up a lot adam is that it you want to talk to the group what do you do for a living i work for a potato process i love it although you're from idaho can i get a ride i've got room in my back seat in my round car i bet you say that to all the guys [Applause] been everywhere lately i was just in jackpot nevada who's heard of jackpot nevada yeah well let me paint a picture for the folks that may not have heard of jackpot it's on the edge of idaho it's a casino town three casinos general store post office trailer park so i'm walking to the casino and an older gentleman at the penny slot looked up and said hey bob zaney what's the joke of the day i said you're a winner because i'm a people person i love people no i truly believe without people we wouldn't even be here that did i lose you on that one i met the overachiever guy he looked exhausted i said sir you should get some sleep he said i'll sleep when i die i said why don't you go to bed early cause then he would be dead logic i had a woman come up to me and she said i have 15 cats i said wow i have one she said what's it called i said normal i'm sorry a lot of cat hoarders in the back area over there i had this other lady come up to me she said i thought you were very funny in the beginning but at the end i did not like you i said wow that's so weird you know i saw you walking over i thought you were so pretty no not so much because opinions hurt i was in vegas and i'm walking on the strip and i saw a penny face down i'll pick it up to me it's cash drunk homeless guy saw the whole thing hey that's bad luck i said i guess you'd know [Music] [Laughter] he would know about bad luck i just said reno has anybody been to reno lately i did 10 straight nights in reno now i know why johnny cash shot a man just to watch him die very busy day i went to kfc i had 12 pieces of chicken because it's always been on my bucket list i i went to an antique store sears they're starting to go away don't i look like an insurance salesman who hasn't sold a policy in about five years and they're just keeping me around for the white guy quota i did go shopping at forever 51. i'm sorry are these jokes too sophisticated busy you guys have been everywhere lately and by the way you just happened to be there what's your name sir give jason a big round of applause thank you a good guy you know why jason never gave me the look i got a gun out in the truck i've done those shows shreveport louisiana a guy in the audience yelled are you a yankee and i never thought about i was born and raised in los angeles so i said well no i guess i'm a mexican donato quito espanol muchos gracias me amigos montekia i just said butter it's prettier isn't it i dabble in the languages you know ari gato arigato and japanese means thank you and arigato and espanol means my cat name is ari [Laughter] thank you it was the cat joke you wanted to hear again a variation i like asking people what their names are jason that's a great name i had this guy and i actually had this lady i said what's your name she said chantelle i said no please do i had another guy he said his name was corey i said corey he said yeah but with a k i said i'm sorry i pronounce it with a c they're both sound [Laughter] and you know a lot of people are doing now they're naming their kids after cities they were conceived in this is why you've met kids named like dallas in austin my uncle did something similar you should meet my cousins truck stop ferris wheel in prison now ferris wheel suffers from vertigo well this is actually a smart crowd i'm very impressed what do you do for a living jason and how long have you been a politician come on people yeah [Applause] [Music] you know what i am doing right now that i'm very excited about i'm going to thrift stores and and i'm buying stuff and i would love to report what i got at the thrift store would you like to see what i got at the goodwill all the great stuff there man you just gotta go sharpen it you can't believe a lot of old games at the goodwill i got this this is probe yeah parker brothers put this out in 1965 and i did my due diligence and uh that's all that's in there in the game of probe well games were simpler back then i i love america i'm a true american in fact i had to buy this it's a boxing glove isn't that cool and it says right there made in pakistan a lot of great but oh you know what they have there that i really love a lot of arts and crafts people make these arts and crafts you look like an arts and crafter are you jason you have a little shop this is really cool someone made this an aunt is like a mom but cooler isn't that neat and on the back it says an uncle is like a dad but creepier [Applause] look what i got for you jason it's a participation trophy thanks for just showing up what's your what was that i'm sorry what is your name young man will how old are you 13. let me teach you something real quick life isn't fair will one day you're going to have to leave provo i think i handled that well [Applause] this is my advice to all of you especially you my friend look at that my god what is your name blue i don't even want to know it's really none of my business isn't it blue you look great you got some great tats you got there some i don't have any tats i have some moles i should have checked but my advice from you lou blue don't ever buy marijuana from easter bunny hang on i want to keep that joke fresh i can't get any more of this till march a lot of great books at the goodwill i got this very exciting the hillary clinton biography and here's a weird part look a lot of the pages are just missing look they're just something [Applause] it's like they've been deleted not picking sides in fact i got this book from 1980 way before you were born young will 198 john gardner put this out let me go ahead and read the synopsis a chilling novel the ultimate soviet takeover the last trump [Applause] there we didn't pick sides this is a great book bill cosby time flies hey bill let's see how three to ten work out very excited i got a picture of jesus this is his senior class photo he was voted most likely to come back i told that joke in anago wisconsin and this guy yelled you nailed and i went whoa i said that's even a line i wouldn't cross i got this this is scary look i'm i'm no expert but you're taking these many pills in a day end it now [Applause] a lot of vhs tapes at the goodwill i love vhs some of the kids probably don't know what it is this one kids coping with divorce and it makes perfect sense here's a great one what women want and it you're not going to believe this it's [Applause] [Music] blank because guys we will never know this is my favorite athlete in the whole wide world this is lance armstrong this is his performance program book and you know heart you know how hard i worked on that joke i built a hole right there in the book i inserted the tic tacs i don't have people for that [Applause] your baby can read it's a dvd [Applause] i have to lose weight i know that and i found something that i think i can finally commit to this is the 120-year diet a lot of cheat days only 62 years ago look i'm no nutritionist but let's just say you're 119. can't you have a cupcake in a vodka haven't you beaten the odds at that point i have not read this book i'm going to i promise uh this is the woman who wouldn't talk so i think it's probably fiction look at the guy sitting there i can't laugh at that this book and i are inseparable we go everywhere to go it's codependent no more i just hope i'm making it happy what's going to happen later on you're going to google a lot of the words and references i'm doing and you're going wow he was good here's a great attention deficit disorder in adults and uh squirrel i i did that one night and a lady sitting right where you are ma'am she turned around the look and then i thought there was a squirrel now this is a good book for the older guys out here this is prostate from a to z now i've read this twice still can't pass p [Applause] i told that joke in sarasota florida got a standing ovation i mean the ones who could stand but a lot a of of rascal scooter beeps anybody been to sarasota florida yeah i uh average age this is not an exaggeration 95. and they love me there and they come up to me after the show and say when will you be back and i always kind of like to say do you think you'll be around i'm sorry math joke's gonna be a problem by the way this is really cool jenny craig came out with this it's a weight that you put on your arm like this or your wrist and it helps you burns calories jenny craig and it works because i weighed myself with this on then i weighed myself when i took it off i lost five pounds like that here's a well you're going to love this book this is what pooh can do no i'm not going to open it or you know it's going to hit this is kind of cool this is six orange mustaches and it says right here for ages three and up because as we know a two-year-old with an orange mustache is just not believable maybe you guys could google the word sarcasm but here's the whole inspiration for the good wilter it's my favorite rapper in the whole eye world i'm going to mispronounce his name because i am white but it's uh 50 cent 50 50 50 50. look what they did they framed his cd then you can't write this price tag 50 cents [Applause] do you think they had to have a big meeting at the goodwill well if we charge a dollar it does say 50 cent right there and we cover that up they're not going to know it's curtis jackson iii yeah it turns out fitty is a stage name and he claimed bankruptcy and part of the deal he had to make with the court he has to change his stage name now to nickelback [Applause] yeah that's enough we saw enough in there right yeah it's time to do a little thing i like to call the zany report anybody want to hear this [Applause] for the folks who may not know this is my take on the news a lot of great things going on in the news and i like to keep on top of that jason do you stay on top of the news nope then this is really going to work well are are you having a good time jason yeah can you show it hi paul do you laugh inside is there any way you can move to the back it's just been a rough 12 months i've lost a lot of dear friends and family members i have been in so many funerals always a pallbearer everybody mourns differently okay news a new study has found pessimistic men are likely to die early i just knew it the las vegas city council has outlawed urination and defecation in public they said it's been their number one and number two priority [Applause] hey there's a high suicide rate among dentists how many dentists are here see you seem happy i don't believe that daylight alabama a cougar found in a local motel has been euthanized officials are warning women over 50 to stay away from this month dateline woodland hills california six cars collide into a spilled load of avocados luckily chips are on the scene in minutes you brought a molag [Applause] honda has come out with a lawnmower that can go up to 150 miles per hour they're very popular with gardeners who have been spotted by ice agents look if we don't laugh we'll just cry boise idaho the city recorded its hottest day at 106 degrees beating out the old record of 105 degrees set in 1875. now officials of course are blaming this on global warming and in 1875 they blamed it on summer [Applause] summer port charlotte florida a woman says lightning destroyed her septic tank causing her toilet to explode and in a sign of poetic justice it also hit the ceiling fan [Applause] oh one and a half cups of spinach a day may reduce the risk of stroke the study went on to say get [Music] see doctor i don't think that's true have you seen popeye this sailor it looks like he's had a stroke guy daylight omaha nebraska the fire department wants to charge 400 a pop for helping pick up people who have fallen prompting life alert to unveil their new slogan i've fallen and can't afford to get up this one's for you will okay in florida police arrested a man for pouring ketchup on his girlfriend while she slept this is not the first time he's in trouble with the law in fact he's an ex-condiment [Applause] it takes time for that joke to catch up washington d.c two men were arrested for shooting an ice cream truck driver now the driver will survive because he was only shot in the drumstick and the nutty buddies those are two ice creams available on a truck trust me a connecticut man who's on parole was arrested for hiding heroin in his bible now he's been charged with possession and leaness into temptation a sad note a 70 year old kansas city man robbed a bank because he preferred incarceration than to continue to live with his wife the sad part she plans to visit him in prison every day in cat news we got some cat people here obviously [Music] hollis new hampshire police are on the lookout for someone who abandoned nine kittens on the side of the road you you may want to go now he'll win caught they'll be charged with littering [Laughter] bigger laugh had you not go a new study has found one out of six smartphones are covered in fecal matter the other five just get crappy reception [Applause] daylight hollywood california a driver hit a deer on the 101 freeway police said they knew it was a hollywood deer because it had a fake rack [Applause] as we all know in 2016 mother teresa uh was made a saint you know that right but what you don't know she was traded by the lions for two martyrs to be named later [Applause] wrong town for this joke dayline denver colorado police have arrested 50 people and seized more than 23 pounds of black tar heroin now activists say if it was white tar heroine this would never have happened [Applause] [Music] this is scary an adult bed bug can live 550 days without eating beating out the olsen twins by three days [Applause] [Music] in dog news angie like doggies you have a dog okay did you know a dog can make a hundred facial expressions beating out actor mickey rourke by 99. had a lot of work done this is a fun fact a dog can smell if you have cancer and the really good news if your dog tells you you only have a year to live it's really seven [Applause] buena park california a man was arrested after he bit the eyebrow off another man during a bar fight yeah they didn't release the name of the victim but they said you know him if you saw him [Applause] queensbury new york a woman pleaded guilty to giving listen to this heather giving her three children vodka and marijuana now she told the judge if i didn't do it they'd just go out on the streets and get it from grandma bridgeport connecticut a five-year-old brought 50 packets of heroin to school for show-and-tell did not get into trouble because he had enough for everyone so is alive and well now do you remember that movie 127 hours it actually took place in moab right remember the climber middle of nowhere got his arm trapped cut off his own arm to escape now they asked the real life guy if he'd do it again he said yeah but only one more time you know i am so proud of all of you that was a math joke and you did it in your head even the kids didn't bring out their calculator app they're doing a biopic of the crocodile hunter steve irwin it's only gonna be available in blu-ray or stingray too soon too soon i have a theory i think he mocked these crocodiles for so long the stingray was hired by the crocodiles to take this bastard out and then probably paid it in sand dollars any questions so far no i've asked a few of you questions you should have the same opportunity anything you want to ask me go right ahead read a lot i have some questions can an orphan eat at a family restaurant if i marry two midgets is that big of me [Applause] wrong state to do that joking do poor white trash go to the movies just for the trailers yeah come on people i can't keep this enthusiasm up if someone steals my identity and i kill them am i committing suicide [Applause] if a tv weatherman has cataracts or all their forecasts partly cloudy [Applause] this is where you can get involved what do you call an armadillo with leprosy a dillo a dillo what would probably help out right now with that joke if you could just google symptoms of leprosy if an electrician's kid gets into trouble do they ground them [Applause] if you hit a person with an electric car can you be charged with battery [Applause] if i poop on a pitcher of satan or am i damned if i do do should the fiber one bar really be number two here's some more good news bad news a nebraska woman gave birth to a baby girl at the dixon county fair the bad news she got a fourth place ribbon behind two pigs and a goat jefferson city missouri the public defender's office is experimenting with sending text messages to defendants to remind them of their court date that's a good idea so far the defendant's reply with lol they're probably not going to show up hampden connecticut listen to this will a 13 year old boy woke up and found a skunk in his bed the smell was so bad the skunk left mckees rock pa two-year-old girl got trapped in a toy crindy toy crane vending machine at the mall police said it took over 50 quarters to get her out here's a good this is a very interesting one right here this is in philly pa okay let me get to it a man is suing chick-fil-a for serving him a chicken sandwich with a rat baked in the bun yeah now the 300-pound plus man said i was so disgusted i almost didn't finish eating it that was a good one to end on you guys have a great crowd i got to get going because i don't want to be here but i'll tell you you know i always say i'm as good as my audience and tonight i was great i do want to end on this i don't understand fashion i saw this guy he had the sweatpants on and across his butt it said idiot and all i can figure out is he's not a smart ass [Applause] and then i saw this lady with across the sweatpants on across her butt and said here comes trouble and i believed her because she's eating a big bean burrito at some point she's gonna have to put on those juicy sweatpants baby thank you all very much [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,207,997

Rating: 4.8032031 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Bob Zany, Bob Zany Dry Bar Comedy, Bob Zany Comedy, Bob Zany Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, banking, goodwill finds, goodwill haul, sarcasm, sarcastic comedy, dbc, stand up, funny, hey baby, comedy

Id: SnOQQ_FQGns

Length: 36min 27sec (2187 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 13 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Guershh]

filmed at a no alcohol "bar"... eeeesh