All Daughters Are Mean. Leanne Morgan - Full Special

and she's athletic and she's mean and like my second baby is my oldest daughter who's about to graduate from the University of Tennessee she's 22 and let me tell y'all I know ever crow thinks there's blankest but let me say that she is a beauty and she is smart and she's done very well in school and she's an authority and done well with her sorority and she's athletic and she's main and we're scared to death of her we walk on eggshells around her she's not mean to other people or in public she holds it in so that she can come home and like spew it out on to me that's okay that's God's Way this is what I think happens when she was a junior her summer between her junior and senior year I think that God allows this to happen and you little girls that your babies aren't this old let me just listen to me alright one day they'll just turn on you and you'll think who in the world is things who's coming down the steps in the morning we don't know who this sends I think that God allows that because he knows that you're about to let your baby go off to college or whatever they're gonna do and he knows that you're grieving so he makes them just as mean as he can so that you can let them go [Applause] that summer the very breath that I breathe out of my nostrils made her so angry we were not allowed to eat cereal in our own home because she couldn't stand to hear us cheap I don't mean to talk about her cuz she had a lot owner she had to empty the dishwasher stuff like that that's so hard okay Lenny T about an example when she was probably your baby's age y'all y'all's little children because y'all are so cute look like their thyroid still functioning y'all still got hair good for y'all um y'all got a little bread chip yay okay when my baby went my middle one when she was in elementary school I was so blessed that I got to take them to school and pick them up every day in my minivan and I would watch them come out my girls and I saw them they were in a good mood I saw it all right they would be goosing each other and waving all the little children and the principal see you tomorrow okay then then they come over to my minivan get in slam the door that middle woman take her backpack and sling me in the back of the head with it she'd say everyday something like I'm starving to death you don't have a piece of cheese in this car your drumming is making me carsick I hate her why did you have her and the baby be sent over the bank she'll be going mom mom mom mom mom and I say what and she got mom mom mom mom I got one I'm listening she could say some of the craziest things she said to me one day did Jesus ever have head lice honey answer that I said well baby I don't I don't know but if he did I know where he'll be let me tell y'all that I am a mama and I have three children that I'm in love with and I am now an empty nester they I have two in college and one married and I you think I look forward to being an empty nester some people go whoo I don't feel whoo I'm missing my husband misses them I found Netflix when I when the last one left my baby child she's now 20 when she left I took to the bed and I ate chocolate covered blueberries that you get at Target and and I found Netflix and I am binge watch scandal have y'all seen scandal that first season the the chemistry between two main characters I think something's really going on anyway it sent me on fire and so I laid up in the bed and watch that and like order Jimmy John's from my band and my husband said are you alright but I ended up getting sciatica from laying in the band I didn't get bed sores I got sciatica and then ended up having to get physical therapy that cost $1,000 because of my deductible but anyway but I agree so much over my kids being gone alright so when my husband gets home he says sad as I am and when he gets home we just stare out into space and he's done he's very quiet he's an introvert he doesn't talk he doesn't chant so I just sit and talk to myself and we have to Bingle hounds and we just sit and kiss them in the mouth and they are yummy and we go to bed and I a lot of y'all look really young in here and I'm gonna scare y'all to death but I'm gonna tell y'all I'm gonna tell look at these young girls right here I'm gonna tell y'all what's your future it's gonna be okay all right when you get into being about your mid forties you're gonna go start a thing called perimenopause it's before you go through menopause and it makes you crazy and you sweat in the bed at night okay and you all your hormones get messed up all right I go to the bedroom and I am so hot at night that I put the air on 68 because I don't want to die my husband puts it back up on 70 and he says you're freezing me to dance he's having to wear pajamas for the first time in our marriage okay he said I can see my breath that's a lie but I know he is cold because one time he had to wear it toboggan but anyway we get in the bed and that big beagle who is 10 years old a bull white named Augie who is so sweet my husband spoons him in the bed and then we've got a new little bangle that is a pocket bagel and her name is Gigi and she is so yummy and she had a nervous tic when we got her and she ate our couch but other than a lumber and she gets in the bed and she bangs her little butthole up against my hand at night right here and when we get alright so when my husband spoons that big one that big one all Wallas eyes at me and it looks like I don't want help I want so when my husband drifts off to sleep that big bagel scoots over and then gets in the crook of my legs so through the night I break out in the sweat because I'm in perimenopause and it's right here in the back of my neck dr. oz said it okay so then I'm sweatin like I've done Zumba all night and my husband snores it depends on if he's put on weight if he stressed out at work he'll put on weight he'll eat a bunch of white flour and then he snores a different way but if he's playing tennis and he's watching what he eats this is really how he snores he starts going it's enough to kill you okay you set a watch by sometimes it's just a puff of air and it's on my hand with a butthole right here with a big bang on Brian so that's your nighttime routine of perimenopause look at how beautiful they are say they still have their bloom good for y'all you're probably out doing yoga okay I have given up all right let me tell y'all how this all started between me and my husband we met at the University of Tennessee while he was stalking me he was so tickled with me okay he was getting an MBA I was getting finishing up my undergraduate he is so smart and such an overachiever but he had already gotten an undergraduate worked for two years and got an MBA I was just finishing my my undergraduate cuz I'm so fun and I thought oh my gosh he is so smart he can do math thank you pick and reconcile a checkbook there's no telling where we're gonna go what we're gonna say what we're gonna how we're gonna lay up well we graduated and he decided to buy a used mobile home business in vain station Tennessee and I know y'all don't know where Bane station is in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains did any of y'all ever see deliverance I think they film at their beautiful beautiful lakes and pretty and all that but so he moved me there and he wanted me to be in sales for him at this used mobile home business so I did that day until I saw a family drive up in a gremlin with the wind out and a nine year old smoking a cigarette that's the truth she lit it all for her MIMO and that's her grandmother do I need an interpreter okay she let out of her grandmama and so I quit that day and I went home and I got pregnant that night [Music] I had three babies in four and a half years yeah it hurt it Dan I was pregnant and or breastfeeding for six straight years in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains and let me tell y'all when I found out about my third baby I feel terrible how I reacted but I was so overwhelmed and so tired but I knew that day I didn't feel right I thought what is wrong with me I'm tired and I kind of feel sick and I thought oh my gosh surely I'm not pregnant this quick after this you know cuz my girls were 20 months apart so I had to know I was crazy I drove to the Walmart in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains and I took my two babies with me in the diaper bag and all that stuff you take with you and I went into the Walmart and bought an apt pregnancy test I took it in the stall and I tinkled on it and my three-year-old boy looked at me said what is it positive and it was and I drove home just as fast as I could and I called my husband at work and I said you're trying to kill me aren't you where you're not going to because I'm gonna walk out in the woods and let the animals eat me but young little Mama's probably know what I'm told it's so overwhelming we would be in the grocery store and my three-year-old little bull way so yummy so sweet would be in Superman panties with Doody balls falling out at the grocery store I think oh my gosh did anybody see that I don't have anything in my purse to pick it up when it's some little child don't think it's the milk dud just keep on moving everybody just keep on moving Oh me all right now they are grown and I cannot believe it it just flew by my boy is twenty four years old and he is married he got out of college he met his college sweetheart his freshman year he never he said he would never marry young but he did and he brought her home and all right who in here has had boys and girls can you clap who do you think's okay who do you think's the easier to raise I mean just yell it out boys are wrong boys boys every once in a while a little frail woman will yell curl she's probably being threatened but anyone know we love our girls I love my girls I truly do and I know that when I'm in the nursing home they'll be the ones to come and plump my chin hairs because my boy will be off with his wife and her people because he said to me when he brought her home and he said you got a terrible look on your forehead and I said oh it's nothing against her it's just I'm jealous because I thought she would only love me I know that's twisted I know it is but he was the best thing that ever happened to me all right my kids all yell at man my husband everybody's in a bad mood all the time and he's the only one that's never fussed at me and he was just the sweetest child growing up and so when he said he was gonna marry some money and move off oh it was awful but let me say that I love her and they live near us and she's like another child to me and it has been a blessing she is very sweet and he's forgiven me for my forehead looks but anyway but he said to me right before they got married he goes mom she's gonna be my immediate family you're now my extended family he said mom that's biblical I thought why did I show him the Bible let me tell you about him he's an old soul have you ever met anybody that was an old soul he was born an 80 year old man he has had a garden since he was in sixth grade he plays the mountain dulcimer in the banjo he would works he makes spoons he makes spoons he is so yummy all right his favorite music is gospel bluegrass his favorite well-known okay the thing a Bing of doing all right his favorite artist was dr. Ralph Stanley dr. rap look at you no one who dr. Ralph Stanley is okay for those of you you don't he was on the oh brother where art thou that is probably the most famous thing he did but he was the Godfather Mountains so he ended up dying it like 92 it had a little cowboy hat propped on his head yummy okay he would come through Knoxville and I would take my son to see dr. Ralph when my son couldn't drive they prompt little dr. Ralph up on stage because he was so old I almost threw my panties at him because that's what you do to Tom Jones and I love him but anyway I was standing there listening to dr. Ralph Stanley singing gospel bluegrass and I think to myself how many teenage boys are listening to this water teenage boys listening to Rihanna waka flocka flame some of that nasty goings-on I thought wouldn't it be funny if I'd to yell at my boy turn that gospel bluegrass down you're out of control if I hear I saw the light one more time all right here's another example of maintenance my metal one is in a sorority at the University of Tennessee and a lot of those little girls will come home that can't go home on the weekends they'll come to our house and I can cook for mine Joe and I really do and they can wash their clothes well one little girl came and I washed that little things clothes because she stayed two days and all I said all I said to her was Katie you're so tiny your little underwear looks like a slingshot [Applause] that little girl thought it was funny and my baby looked at me and went so I got out of there and then when that little girl left I came back in I said what's wrong with me saying that her little panties looked like a slingshot I wish somebody'd say my panties looked like a slingshot you boys in the front row you don't want to know what my pennies look [Applause] did y'all ever watch Braveheart Mel Gibson you remember that big ocaña pull when they pull that big thing back put a ball in it fling it and kill a bunch of women and children with him that's what my panties look like thank you [Applause] thank you for clamping for my paintings I used to wear Victoria's Secret when I was their age because I still had hope and but y'all know what I quit wearing them you know why because y'all know who owns Victoria's Secret Satan and I don't wear my panties for Abel so badminton was cutting me in two they just got to be too little so I bought some was anybody here giving up like I have anybody here wearing so much snow let me tell you about sohma's they're the best thing that's ever happened okay because they've got a whole line of nightgowns and underwear and all this stuff that's called koolknights because it's pulls moisture away from you in the night yay to keep you from having a stroke because you're going through the change and you're sweating dr. oz are y'all with me so it has a drop fit technology in it so you always could play golf in them come on Kevin they're not pretty but anyway that's what I'm wear let me tell you a little bit about my husband my husband is very smart and very quiet and an introvert and does very well and and then married me and and we've been exactly the opposite but it has worked he's a big man he's six four he can kick a door in and I like that he works like a dog and he loves a baby let me tell y'all that he is a baby cuddler at Easton C Children's Hospital he cuddles the drug-dependent babies every week of the world as a volunteer no sway he didn't help me with mine because he was out making a living and paying for all this we've got to still in college and and I wanted a fourth baby so banned when my baby child went to kindergarten I nearly grieved myself to death I thought Lord what am I gonna do with all this time on my hands I hope I don't get hooked on whiskey and start honky-tonkin in about three weeks into her going to kindergarten I was like what well then go get a pap smear without somebody sitting on my hand but my husband when I dropped her off we he said meet me at the IHOP because he knows that pancakes get me through a hard time and I was crying and and I said I want another baby and he's saying why don't you get a job [Laughter] Yeah right so I said no more no fourth baby and he said y'all are sucking the financial life out of me so he bought me a dachshund I had that dachshund four years she's gone now but let me tell you she and I both got thyroid issues she had cushions I was walking her in our neighborhood one day and a little girl came out her driveway and she said can I pet your ground home oh y'all so about my husband all right so my husband is a big man and is six four I'm fine late we breathe big kids and and we wanted them to be in sports and when they were growing up and so we made them do all kinds of masks they didn't want to do and we put our boy when he was little bitty we put him in team oh he hated it I don't know if any of y'all have had a baby play t-ball but for those of you who don't know t-ball season it's about a hundred and ten degrees outside it's little children that are for look like they've got a diaper on under their baseball pants or a pull-up the games last about three hours nobody ever hits the ball throws the ball catches the ball makes contact with the ball my baby laid in a fetal position in the outfield the entire season he never touched a ball every once awhile he'd pop his little head up and say one game it was so hot and I tell I told the middle one to go out and take her brother a water bottle she was about two and a half and she went walking out there with a tutu and a crown and a wand and her pink prostitute she's from Walmart she walked about halfway stomped got a glazed look over us pulled her little panties to the side and pooped in the team all fat she really damned so I had to run out there and get a stick and flick it into the ones cuz I didn't want another child to step in it or think it was a milk done he would not play sports for several years because of that trauma and then ended up playing football and and cross-country and a bunch of stuff and still very he likes to mountain bike and hike and do scary things but he likes to come you know out west he likes and he's a fly fisherman can y'all tell I'm in love with him okay okay all right about the sports I played sports I'm wanting them to play sports too I know y'all are thinking UCC thing you did not but I play basketball thank you I need that it was the early eighties when I played and I had really big hair I used to hot roll my hair to play ball we all did okay so and I am from such a bit little bitty farming community and it's 500 people in Middle Tennessee and we didn't know what waterproof mascara was so by the end of my games I look like say if Timmy won that now is Cooper had a child together I was a forward sometimes I had to be the center if married Alan had to take her baby to the health department my husband was very smart does very well we are sucking the life out of him he is a nice-looking man but he has a receding hairline and he hates it I think it's handsome but he hates it so I said why don't I take you to my hairdresser and we'll get her to buzz you one of those haircuts real close to your head like Justin Timberlake you know what I mean like real close to the hate when we did it and we didn't know his hand was pointed [Music] and he said I look like somebody and I can't quite think of who it is and I said is it bull Oh Night Court he said no that's not who I was thinking about about three days later he said on the hadiya's its that lazy starfish Patrick on SpongeBob Thursday I gotta get a thing of water honey I'm about to I'm spittin cotton Oh y'all I'm so so much more than way more than I have and since I had a baby in the hospital I probably weigh about the same that I had a baby in the hospital and back then I remember thinking oh my gosh what laurels happened to me and I had my class reunion right after I had my first baby and I wore a big jumper and I was nursing and I remember like drinking a diet coke and my breast milk shot out the front of my dress and then one of my friends from high school said when are you gonna have your baby and I was like I've hit my baby but anyway I feel fine and and I am and it's my hormones I have no testosterone I went to the doctor and no testosterone no progesterone I have way too much estrogen which evidently makes you better and angry and hateful that's what my family says I think they're bitter and hateful in Ireland but it has messed up my weight and old man 12 and I've been eating white flour by living I have been on every diet in the world I've done everything I've done whole 30 I've done a South Beach I can't I have done Weight Watchers or I praise God that Weight Watchers doesn't have a limit on how many times you can Joey because I have joined Weight Watchers nine times and lost seven pounds in all come to find out you have to follow a program I know that but I go because the meetings are funny and it's like it's like going to a comedy club it really is it's like a a but it's for people who eat their emotions and in that's who I am I eat my emotions like my husband would come home and the kids would be fighting and he'd say something like what have you done all day and I'd eat a hot dog and I don't even know where it came from well I had to to keep from drinking whiskey I don't want to get hooked on whiskey with little children so um so I joined whitewater so many times and this last time Oprah bought it and they hit Oprah on TV and she's twirling pasta on a fork and running through tall grass and I thought if she can do it I can do it no so no turns out no for the ninth time but what the deal is is they give you a point value on food so fruits and vegetables are free you know you don't care really and like a piece of beef that the size of a credit card it's like five points or something like you don't want any of that you're so hungry when you start that you could eat the wallpaper off the walls you want a Snickers bar but they're like 12 points my sister goes on it every time I do and she'll call me and she'll say it's known and I've eaten all my points Oh yo I've done every kind of exercise in the world and when I was young age I was so gung-ho and I wanted to go and do and I wanted to be firm and toned and then one day I just said I don't care but and that's a good feeling to mine when I was y'all st. John was big into CrossFit do y'all have CrossFit here [Applause] hope y'all don't end up in the boot all right it is bad mama jamma and they came to Knoxville and they these young boys in their early 20s opened it up and they were darling and they both had little Fanny's that looked like baseballs and I wanted I wanted my Fanny to look like a baseball so I got my good friend Becky baked in I joined CrossFit together but those of you don't know it's like military moves push-ups pull-ups that kind of thing they'd put a big tractor tire in the parking lot and they'd sit back in it and I'd pull her across the parking lot while she held her purse well these boys came to us one day and they said hey we're going to have a contest and whoever wins it gets three months of free training and it's gonna be up for the women and for the men it's gonna last ten weeks we're gonna take your before and after picture and then the whole gym is gonna vote on whose body has changed the most we were like yes so one day we show up didn't know it was picture day I had on a horrible looking sports bra that had lost all of its support and I should have I should have been stit the night before and had a great into it and it really wasn't great it was white and and if I'd have known it was gonna be a picture day I'd have gotten a spray tan but anyway we get it they said take your top off to me and bankie and they go just leave on your sports bra in your spandex and we're gonna take your picture and I was like whoa wait a minute and I didn't want those little boys to not ever want to marry and have children Bank II mean you we're going in the back I said I'm taking Becky's pictured she'll take mine so we went in the back in the back room and Becky went and I said what are you doing binky don't you want to win this thing I want to win it so I took my spandex and shoved it under my stomach [Applause] oh it was a sight these kids put it on the internet because that's what kids do so if y'all google it and you see this poor woman with her head cut off with these two feed sacks oh it was a sight but what they see it they go okay you're and when I saw that I thought oh my gosh you are what you ate and I look like a big bun is what I look like but they said you're going to eat paleo and it's what God put upon the earth to sustain us so if you can run it down and kill it dig it out of the ground pick it off of a bush you can eat it so that's lean meats fruits vegetables nuts berries and seeds that's no green no green no dairy when's the last time any of y'all ever got off of white flour anybody oh when you still can Yale good for you oh my gosh I hit the shakes making on both were shaken we drink a bunch of coffee then we had to have our teeth whitened anyway my husband said you were so hateful will you please need a piece of white bread I think it was awful I mean I'm never I mean oh how horrible so I need to get off the heroin I mean and I don't know what that's like but I watched shaft when I was little and I remember it being a bugger when somebody had to get off a heroin this felt similar I may not have been anyway they took the after picture and a humming sure I had a spray tan let me tell you man Holly because the spray tan takes 12 pounds off of you anyway I had a spray tan I had on a really cute sports bra in spending and I took mine and I'm ashamed to tell you on but I won that thing [Applause] thank you I'm so ashamed but y'all are giving me that love I know y'all are thinking what happened Leanne I'll tell you what happened I spotted a tortilla that's what happened Oh y'all it is summer finally I know I'm so tickled that we're we got now got spring and we're about to get into summer okay it's bathing suit time I know y'all are tickled I know y'all are tickled to go and roam bathing suits yay I'd rather take a bullet it's that thing everybody has to do I did a big show for a bunch of women one time and a woman came up to me and said have you have you ever seen the swim dress it lands in its ears and I was like no I'm not dead yet but she goes no I'm not it'll change your life so I go to the Sears in my hometown if you're into Sears lately there's not a soul in Sears there's nobody shopping nobody working the lights are all along I thought are they running dope out of Cena but I got a swim dress and I'm beautiful in it I'm beautiful in it it covers up all my booty booth okay so what I've worn for years over the years is a miracle set the miracle suit is at department stores it's got a tag on it that says lose ten pounds in two in ten minutes and you do because you sweat yourself to death trying to get it up because it's a one-piece and there's a girdle in it I know gross okay if you ate all right there's a there's a girdle in it so it's smoothes you out real cute though here you look real nice though here because it squeezes your fan out and every other oh and don't get it went somebody don't have to cut it all so I buy I bought it for years about I look terrible in it and I knew it so I my big strong and like wrapping around my body and then act like I'm reading a book okay so my good friend knew that I was buying miracles say cuz I won so she took her 14 year old girl and they went to the department store and they got in the dressing room and the 14 year old was sinking her mama up in this bathing suit they both broke out the sweat over there lay up and the 14 year old said ooh gross mom put it back let's get out of here she said I can't I got a mind I just peed in it [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,205,186

Rating: 4.8305635 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Leanne Morgan, Leanne Morgan Dry Bar Comedy, Leanne Morgan Comedian, Leanne Morgan Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedian, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Mean Daughter, sorority, UT, university of Tennessee, teenagers, teen daughter, dbc, moody

Id: RvO-d5wUQ4M

Length: 41min 15sec (2475 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 30 2020