When Your Therapist Is A Comedian. Kim Kerley - Full Special

i got my degree in counseling because it was a whole lot cheaper than therapy i'm kim curley i'm from san antonio texas everybody yeah i'm a texas girl i used to be a teacher in san antonio texas they used to teach eighth grade english that's 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 and 20 year olds that's a great time kids these days i think they're getting smarter they're a little different they're getting smarter but you know what take away their calculators they can't do math when did math become magic people i went to the store and i bought something with cash it was seven dollars and fifty three cents so i gave them a twenty two ones and fifty three cents the kid goes you're giving me too much money he's giving it back he got kind of indignant giving me back the money take this two dollars i don't need it and i said put it in your machine and watch what happens when he did he looked at me like this i felt like chris angel's mother i just wanted to levitate and float away those of you who don't know what i got i got 15 even back that's what i did don't get out your calculators put them back i'm also a counselor i'm a stand-up comic and a counselor does that not scream i have issues doesn't it that was there i'm a licensed therapist you can see me after the show if you want to talk about stuff we can do that i got my degree in counseling because it was a whole lot cheaper than therapy i was getting better at it than the therapist so they started asking me a bunch of questions how'd you deal with that well i did this oh my gosh that's great i know i know i enjoy my neighborhood a really nice neighborhood but yesterday we did our recycling and everybody takes out the recycling bins and my my neighbor to the right of me she's bragging all the time about how her recycle is so much bigger than everybody else's she goes i'm an aggressive recycler i'm green i'm an aggressive recycler and i'm going no you're just a heavy drinker she went out with this guy and he was in her neighborhood he came over and talked to me about he goes my goodness i i'm telling you 100 into the date she's not even slurring her words i asked her what are you a german swimmer i mean what she is so that's pretty cool i love college i want to go back to college i got my master's i really want my doctorate i just want to keep i love it but it's so expensive i have a new hero her name is amy creighton this woman is 89 years old and just graduated with her bachelor's degree 89. yeah they asked her what are you gonna do now amy and she said what you know what amy did she borrowed more money and she's going for a master's degree good for you amy you know what you may not have to pay back those student loans i do the same thing just rack them all up yeah i'll take the full amount government [Laughter] amy so i'm married i've been married very long thank you thank you i love it yeah it's a big decision when he moved in and he's laying next to me i had that thought oh crumb he's here i wonder when he's going to go home [Music] you're kind of stuck with each other that's a big decision he has sleep apnea though every now and then he quits breathing and i'm thinking well that might be my out yeah he's a nice guy i love this guy he's great of course i love him right you know so yeah romance is real important in a relationship on an average day if you've been married for a while let me hear from my married folks who's married in the house tonight oh yeah there we are anybody dating on a date night right now oh notice the married people didn't clap along with that listen married people if you get showered and and you put clothes on that are kind of nice call it a date if you're going to the grocery store and you put on good shoes you know whatever call it a date you can date too you can be just as happy as those people on an average day of the married couple been married for a while a man speaks about 2 000 words a woman speaks about eight yeah now when you're dating and we heard the exuberance there on on the men increase what they say to us twelve thousand words during the dating process men speak to us in a day women have to we have to accommodate that we go down to five twelve thousand to fine you men oh my goodness [Music] you get married two thousand that's right because you're being romantic it's the romantic phase and romance is very important isn't it yes yes i love romance i love romeo and juliet that's one of the most romantic plays even though they die at the end they said some pretty cool stuff to each other the first time romeo well let me let me just backtrack for a second i knew that in my relationship right now the romance was pretty much gonna have to be worked on when i heard this hey kim i just caught one i can't even stand the smell of this one myself you better open up some windows because it's pretty bad and come in here and smell it because i think i'm sick [Laughter] i'm like i'm not a phardologist i'm not gonna come in there and smell it we're in our 50s and had hot dogs the night before and maybe that's it no romance at that point that's awful romeo so so romeo sees juliet at a party and he says to his friends and it was a mass great party caesar and he says to his friends did my heart love until now i swear for sight i never saw true beauty until this night she comes out on a balcony says but soft what light through yonder window breaks says the east and juliet's the sun my life with this man is more like this romeo romeo where fought thou now romeo i see it thou not yet smell a thou in every chamber for thou dost reek romeo and if romeo were to have that happen i think he would say something like this but soft a wind from down under doth break come help me create a gentle breeze from the east for the smell is offensive even unto me ladies and gentlemen the lowest form of comedy is the fart joke the highest form of theatrical performance is shakespeare and they collided in front of you tonight right yeah thank you thank you yeah my eight-year-old grandson loves that joke he doesn't know anything about romeo and juliet but hearing grandma say fart is so much fun he's not allowed to say it right now because he overused it i think little boys who are eight that's so fun i met my man online did the online dating thing i loved online dating i thought it was great i feel judgment i love sitting in my room at night going shopping for a man is that not just the best i love that it's how i shopped for all of my christmas presents too it is so this is a new thing it's awesome so i think that one man wrote a profile and every man has copied that first guy's profile because they're all pretty much the same i want a woman who can go from evening wear to blue jeans they all say that we can change our clothes guys i don't know if you knew that but we can i want a woman who likes to travel but i don't want a woman with baggage i know that's a stupid thing to put together people but that's what they say how can i travel if i don't have baggage go with me on this truth is we all have baggage we all have baggage i'm down to a carry-on thank you what a strange thing to get applause for good for you counselor comic you're crazy and you're down to a carry-on yes i am i know what's in there sometimes i take stuff out put new stuff in there i got it under control we all have baggage though every one of us we're human beings we're not perfect you know men have baggage they just don't like to admit they have baggage it's just that they have space bags you see in the space bags commercial where it's like all this stuff and you suck the emotion out of it and you're down with little thin crispy wafers that you don't dare break open while you're driving in the car and someone pulls out in front of you where'd you get your license yeah really cool thing they did i think they spent like 250 000 on this survey they did a survey on how many times a day men and women nag at each other what women how many how many how many times a day do you think a woman in her nags at her husband anybody want to throw out a number y'all were laughing more at that guy than what do you say no no one has a guess how many times does a woman nag oh this is date night married night no one wants to say i'm not gonna speak a word okay you're not gonna play along are ya it's three three not a bad number most lays are going really that's pretty good how many times a day do you think a man nags that they 250 000 survey found out who said that you're absolutely correct sir it's zero 250 thousand dollars and it's like men don't neg you know who did it that guy over there did the study maybe that guy and that guy with the beard and the hat and they're like hey okay we'll do it we're gonna watch a couple they put you in between this mirror and you just watch them all day it's like what'd she just say to him she said take out the trash what a nagging woman he told her to do the dishes what that is so cool that's a good suggestion they've been sitting there all day not fair not fair oh gosh the other day we were driving by a blockbuster old blockbuster building that you could tell was a blockbuster building tumbleweeds are going by it's so sad and my husband says man i wonder what's next i wonder what's going to be obsolete next so many changes in our society and all of a sudden siri answered people oh my gosh oh you know it's obsolete screen doors are obsolete no one builds a house and say make sure you put that nice wooden screen door on the front no we don't put screen doors we don't open our front door and let people see in that's scary no one even comes over to our house anymore unless they're they have to let you know they're coming no one just stops by even the fedex guy knows it's a dangerous thing when they come up and ring the doorbell you ever notice how fast they run like i don't know about you but when someone reads a robot i was like get the gun no one's coming over screen doors i remember when i was growing up at the screen door we'd go to bed at night my mom would go did you lock the screen door we had that little lever yes it's locked we're safe from all evil mom brains come right through one time we had we brought old pictures into one of the classes i was teaching in and i had a picture of me on the telephone you know and they were all laughing oh miss curly your phone was attached to the wall well you know that's why i brought it in because i wanted to see it because i thought it was pretty cool you know remember run into the phone and you'd stand when you had to go the bathroom you dangled it and you went to the bathroom well i had a friend who had a phone on the wall but she had a 50-foot cord and i used to be so jealous i thought they were rich she go guess where i am right now i go i don't know where are you she says in the bathroom that is so cool you're rich so i'm 57 years old and um i wore this dress tonight because i'm 57 years old and i deserve it and so yeah i'm shiny i even have on glittery eyebrows it's awesome i'm just so excited about this so the thing is i think i have it going on for 57 you know men are still looking at me they're all over 75 but they're taking a good look so menopause was tough oh my god i've been taking hormones for 12 years you know why i've been taking hormones for 12 years for the safety of others that's why i'm taking hormones i want me to go off those things i knew i was going through menopause when i had my nails done one day and um so i picked the mood nail polish i thought that was really cool because it changes colors with your mood i grew up when mood rings were awesome you know yay i wanted that done so i got it done three hours later i'm walking with my sister and she goes oh look at your hands let's see what color i looked at my fingers every finger on it was a different color every single one was a different color oh my gosh i don't even know how i feel what's happening to me i didn't have biofeedback back then i didn't know what to do you know it's like this it was horrible hot flashes the worst thing ever hot flashes i wish hot flashes burned calories when a woman stand they're sweating as like oh god love her they don't they don't burn calories if they did i'd be much more cover girl than dove girl that's all i'm saying yeah i burn as many calories in a day as a 16 year old boy does sneezing that's how bad it is at this age it's like two i'm like oh shut up why are you looking at me like that because i'm having water for lunch yep you know the thing about hot flashes too is that um i started menopause and the hot flashes were really bad and i was thinking at that point that's the reason why women don't have babies after menopause because the eggs that we did have left were pretty much hard boiled at the first hot flash over done so i wrote a song about it and we're going to sing it together because y'all are a fun group tonight it's called estrogen and it sung to the tune of yesterday by paul mccartney you'll know your part right guys you know that song everybody knows this song so you'll know your part you were going to do this with me yes yeah you're a fun crowd that's why we're going to go out after this yeah okay here we go estrogen my ovaries make it only now and then look i'm getting grandma's bearded double chin oh i believe estrogen yeah all right suddenly i am twice the girl i used to be i don't want a hysterectomy or hormone replacement therapy why do i sweat in my sleep have weird dreams i couldn't say i say lots of things wrong and now i long for estrogen estrogen yeah my ovaries make it only now and then and i am getting a hot flash again big emotional ending oh i believe in estrogen [Music] oh yeah that was good that was good this guy in the front like i want to sing this song about your ovaries is making me uncomfortable you have a mother now you know what she's going through sing her that song and put her to bed oh i believe enhanced yeah you know in marriage this is another study that came and you know i'm i i'm a counselor i really am and you know i'm all about getting life right i want to get life right i want to be happy i want these things i want these things for everybody and i have friends who tell me everything i had a friend that just came to me and she says oh my gosh i just got engaged and it was the worst proposal ever her boyfriend now fiance because she said yes brought in a bag put it on the kitchen counter and said there you go yeah she took it out and it's a beautiful beautiful engagement ring it's gorgeous so she looked at him and she said will you at least ask me and she handed him the ring he took the ring held it towards her and he says do you promise not to change see the guys are all thinking well that's pretty much what i was thinking i didn't say it men don't want us to change but the truth is ladies we change every five minutes we're a different person it's the way we are it's great it's fun go with the flow and you know what the other truth is is that the one thing women want in their man is for them to change but men don't change they stay the same you're not gonna change them how many times did your mother tell you that ladies huh you're not gonna change them because she tried the words of wisdom there are men here tonight still wearing clothes from junior high come on you know that's true i go in my husband's closet and i take stuff out and he doesn't even know i got rid of it for months he doesn't even know but it had to go hey where'd that yellow shirt go got it in high school where is it it's my favorite i don't know i don't know where it is they say that it takes 26 years into the marriage before you finally feel true joy true love and true contentment 26 years yes swallow that one people huh i had to i'm newlywed 57 i'm never going to feel love joy and contentment if i do it's going to be on my deathbed isn't it i love you so much i'm taking that with me to heaven we're so different you know you know the menopausal brain for a female we become more logical after it's all done you know our our corpus callosum gets a little burnt up you know we're just we're done with all that there are so our super highway kind of goes away we we get more we were more like men we become more like men we're not very nice pretty much for the most part and men their testosterone levels decrease as you get older and you get nicer i think there's a benjamin button moment that happens sometime in a relationship we are kind of sitting across from each other it's like you finally like wow this is a great moment and then it's over it's done you know you know what happens you go to the store go to walmart watch the old men and old women old man's like wanting to talk to the children hey oh you could hear some kid and the woman's going stop it you're making a fool of yourself i hate her so i occasionally go on diets i ride a bike i'm a road cyclist i ride a bike um i just rode 100 miles in october thank you very much live through that one yeah helps keep the weight off i know i know when it's time to diet when i have the chub rub thing happening between my legs you know put on a pair of spandex go for a run [Music] don't sit in dry grass after a short run like that for fear of fire i'm italian i'm irish i like to eat and uh when i had my first baby i gained 70 pounds with her listen to the judge yeah i lost it a long time ago but it was horrible when she was born because i had this child and i asked is she okay yes she's fine everything looks good yay well how much does she weigh and she turns around she goes oh she's so healthy she's beautiful she's six pounds three ounces six pounds three ounces oh my god i started to cry i'm like cut me open there's gotta be like four in there come on are you sure she was it she's always been little she's real little she's so little i have a friend well she's not really a friend she's not she was for a while but she's small and she would always say oh i can't eat any more of this salad because i'm so little anybody have a friend like that like i'm like hi i'm i'm godzilla right okay she would always she would attribute all the wonderful things that she did to being little i did all of my christmas shopping because i'm so little in july i did my taxes early because i'm so little i'm surprised you can even see me because i'm so little i don't anymore i've locked her if i could turn back time if i could find a way ladies and gentlemen barbara streisand thank you so much i went yeah i said just share i know that's part of the joke it's not over yet barbara streisand needs to come back with a really cool tour i love barbara streisand when she did a star is born in the 70s i want her to do rock and roll again and i think barbara streisand needs to do a tour across america like barbara streisand sings pink floyd's the wall hello hello hello is there anybody out there smile if you can see me is there anyone at home how can you eat your pudding if you don't eat me thank you barbra streisand sings pink the floyd that everyone can do everyone can do this do this and i'm telling you you're going to be the hit arnold schwarzenegger is the easiest impersonation right get out of here shut up right arnold schwarzenegger singing children's songs the wheels on the bus go round and round that's all they do is go round and round stop the basket off the bus you don't know where the wheels are taking you [Applause] he can sing christmas carols rudolph the red nosed reindeer shoot him when i was teaching eighth grade one year the kids all knew i could do some impersonations they're not great but you know hey when you're when you're 12 that's awesome teacher's so cool so that kid walks up and he goes miss curly we've all talked about it and if we pass this test and all of us get a's on the test will you teach an entire class in droopy dog voice those little kids did it i had to say that was the hardest 55 minutes of my life i was teaching double negatives which is perfect for droopy dog and those of you who don't know droopydog check him out later i'm pretty much gonna nail droopydog because i did 55 minutes of poopydog one day it was like okay so if you say two things that are negative it's really a positive you need to sit down i said sit down i don't have an end to this at all so i have two grown kids now my kids are 35 and 33 years old i love the fact that they're doing well i feel very blessed and honored to have these kids in my life i'm having to navigate new waters you know how do i talk to them now how do i ask them for money [Music] [Laughter] it's not that i need it it's just that they took from me for so many years i go to lunch or dinner with them and i just wait when the check comes out it's uncomfortable for us all so much fun i had my mother's curse now the mother's curse is someday you'll have a child just like you who in here received the mother's curse someday yeah yeah and you will if you haven't you will it's a very powerful tool my mother started giving me the mother's curse when i turned 13. it was day in day out it was constant she would just see me oh someday someday you'll know what you've put me through she didn't stop she started when i was 13 and she didn't stop giving me the curse until i left home at 14. it was just nonstop so i had these kids and i had a child just like me she even looks just like me but i'm thinking okay this is crazy because we don't get along it was insane we had to go to therapy it was horrible therapists you know giving us all these things didn't work nothing worked i don't know what it is but when your kids turn into teenagers satan moves into the house that's what happens i go to wake up my kids in the morning i'd open up the door and go girls get up it's time to go to school night here five more minutes we need five more minutes turn off the light the light hurts our eyes we're not going to school today mother we're sick where are my beautiful little girls teenagers are like cats that come into your house and lay around on dirty clothes and they look at you like what the heck are you doing here you know what if you don't feed cats they go to somebody else's house teenagers do the same thing what's for dinner tonight nothing okay i'm just gonna stay here okay i want you to know if you let that go on too long it's a felony they actually monster drinks are marketed to teenagers why do they need extra energy what is up with that do they need extra energy to shift on the couch yeah look for the remote what the heck so i have this kid who's just like me and i just i gave up i gave up even telling her to clean her room it was horrible i just got to the point where i pushed open the door and put my head out and go and then shut the door she would just roll around therapists told us to communicate as best we could so this this child has five of her friends over little cat friends slithering around on her dirty clothes in her dirty room and i'm thinking you know what this is the day she's 15 at the time i said i'm going to do it i am going to give her the curse i am going to give her the mother's curse i'm going to do it once so i went into my room and i put on my purple fairy outfit which i keep for other reasons and but it's really nice it's got big wings sweet it is sweet i had some glitter and i had i had this scepter thing you know so i shove open her door and i go in her room and i start throwing glitter around her friends are like oh hi miss curly shannon your mom's a purple fairy and she's playing guitar on her bed and i took the scepter and i pointed it right at her but i aimed it towards her ovaries as best i could and i said someday you'll have a child just like you and you'll know all the hell you fight me through and your little dog too and i ran out yes she just got married she's been married a year and they're talking about their first baby they want to get pregnant and i'm so excited because it's going to happen the curse is real people it's real she's going to be calling me up someday mom you know what this child is driving me crazy really are you nothing but an atm atm see how i brought that around antm eight no okay yeah y'all been fun thank you so much for everything it's been great had a good time tonight [Applause] so earlier i was an army wife so i i have to ask where are the veterans in the house tonight where are our veterans no clap clap clap clap there's quite a few quite a few let's hear it for our veterans in the house tonight yes now they would much rather have dollars thrown at them than applause yes exactly here you go honey here's a 50 god that's what they need because i remember how we were so poor see i married this guy you say you marry somebody like your dad my dad was a army veteran 30 years in the army he went to vietnam four times all of which were voluntary right we used to take turns waking up my mom would say kim go wake up your daddy honey but remember don't touch him i know i just got to the point where i fling open the door and go ahead coming and i run i'd get in the car he'd already be there oh my gosh daddy what are you a ninja yes he was it's an amazing guy yeah so we we lived it was he was an e nothing we lived on this post in fort silly oklahoma they always put the military bases in the most beautiful parts of the country there goes my endorsement for oklahoma sorry about that but my daughter was born in fort steely oklahoma i was pregnant when i was there we were so poor i would drive around the base and sometimes just sit in front of the general's big old beautiful house and just imagine what they had inside i don't know heat meat just groceries in general it was a tough time you know we drove what i call the pentecostal putt-putt it was an old dodge dart we call it the pentapod pentecostal putt-putt we called it lazarus because we knew divine intervention was helping this car start every single time we were so poor we couldn't afford to fix it if it broke down it was like please just start that car ran on prayer it was great so i'm eight and a half months pregnant and i'm living in fort still oklahoma and it was a tough time but it was a good time you know we're on forces we're we're on base at fourth town i took my um girlfriend who lived next door to me and we're gonna go to the commissary and get some groceries to share pretty much so she was she was sitting there and i'm eight and a half months pregnant and i'm in the i'm in the dodge dart pentecostal putt-putt lazarus and i stopped at a red light and two soldiers were right there they're probably as close as you guys are to me and i'm in the car and the guy guy looks at me he does that that's a teenager for i was 26 at the time so i was gonna last look that was pretty i'm sitting there he goes where have you been all my life he doesn't know i'm pregnant and my girlfriend goes oh my gosh he would just die and i was already getting out of the car i got out of the car i went where have you been for the last eight and a half months huh where have you been i've been driving all over looking for you and there you are [Applause] the guy that was sticking with him he took two steps away and goes dude you know her the guy was like oh i bet he never did that again y'all been great thank you so much [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,084,414

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Kim Kerley, Kim Kerley Dry Bar Comedy, Kim Kerley Comedy, Kim Kerley Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Therapist, comedian, Female Comedian, Counselor, Texas girls, mothers curse, teenage daughters, marriage, husband, dbc

Id: ICsQW4Aneqg

Length: 38min 55sec (2335 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 16 2020