Why Cat's Are Better Than Dogs. Zoltan Kaszas - Full Special

that's why I like cats cats more like hey what are you up to never mind I just remembered I don't care cat person are there any other Kent people out there yeah got some cat people here nice I'm guessing the rest of you were dog people is that what it is yeah yeah I'm not anti dog yeah every time I tell someone I'm a cat person I was that mean you don't like dogs no that's not what that means it just means I like other people's dogs I like dogs I just like them over there and I'll play with them but then go back over there I don't like that kind of energy in my house you know what I mean that annoying dog best friend in your face all the time energy just like yeah love you you're home early Ben it creeps me out I don't care for that I don't like that at all huh just in your face like you want to go out there's a tree I know this tree you want to hang out at this drink what if I just keep breathing into your face huh look all the time no thank you that's why I like cats cats more like hey what are you up to never mind I just remembered I don't care I'll be in the kitchen see you later I like that I don't need a best friend at the house I just need like an apathetic roommate but sometimes wants to hang out like a dog you can pet a dog's belly all day they'll never get tired of it just all day just like yeah man never stop you're the best hopefully not that creepy but you get the idea a cat you can pet for what two maybe three seconds since it's like alright get away from me my own things going on I got a pile a clean laundry to lay on get away from me that's what my dad desert waits for the pile of clean laundry we haven't folded yet and just rubs on it while making eye contact just like mm-hmm everyone's gonna know bothers my wife she has a new hobby she's really into special needs animals I don't know if that's made its way out here Provo you don't know what special needs animals are there are animals they have special needs there's one Oscar the blind cat it was a cat that was born without any eyes and they have a like page on Facebook and my wife goes on there every day and cries and that's what she does for fun that's what she does for a good time and it's weird cuz I come home and she's just on the computer and you know me being a guy I always think it's something I did and then she goes no and then she turns the computer and it's Oscar the blind cat look at Oscar and he's adorable he has no eyes and she goes I want a special-needs animal I want one I'm like you don't ask for one you get bestowed one cuz I don't know what do you you can't just go to the pound be like hey what are you have in the back like that's not how that one I need like a three-legged dog or a cat with something what do you know we got Jessica at the pound that's where we got Jessica and we didn't name her Jessica they named her at the pound and people always ask why don't you change your name cuz that's wrong you don't change someone's name that's rude like if you adopt a kid from another country you can't just be like ya can't pronounce that your name's Jeff now that's rude you learn that person's name so I got a cat named Jessica very much your thing Jessica's overweight she weighs more than she should for a cat which sucks cuz when people come over no one blames the cat in that scenario you know what I mean no one comes over and goes what happened here sweetheart a little heavy on the carbs no they look at you and they go what'd you do to her and that's not fair cuz I try we have the laser pointer I got the stick with the feather I'm always drawing around my house come on sweetheart let's get the cardio going she's not that into a weave my wife and I we bought diet formula kibble they make diet formula kibble and they have rules just one cup per day cuz you're on a diet Jessica we tried but then at 2:00 in the morning Jessica would come into our bedroom at night climb onto our bed and then stand on my head twenty two and a half pounds of are you guys on my skull and she would come down into my ear and just go yeah you're right this diet is over I had no idea that's how you felt about it I promise I'm getting up right now and cooking you some bacon let's get after it I don't have any children but if I'm out in public and I see a parent of an overweight child I make eye contact and I go I get it there's not a little fella standing on your head at night and scream in your ear I get it give him what he wants we need our sleep my wife and I always leave on a memory foam mattress it's what we say but anyone else here Reich in the memory foam mattress the best managers in the world its most comfortable isn't that it's the best that mattress is made for sleeping and sleeping only don't do anything else on my mattress who's not created for that that is not why scientists came together just made for resting comfortably and that is it I know cuz we tried and it sucks every time it's like trying to wrestle in quicksand it is worst he just starts sinking in slowly stay calm stay calm just try to get your leg out just breathe keep your eyes open keep your eyes on the horizon try to get your leg out get your leg out I'm gonna get some help Jessica we need some help but she can't help it stands on our backs and pushes us in further I'm very happy to be is my first time in Provo yeah it's nice it's very nice everyone's very friendly and they smile a lot and it's creepy all at the same time everybody smiles at you but not everybody blinks I've noticed that have you guys talked about that problem there should be a city hall meeting or something like guys remember to blink we're scaring the tourists just a bunch of people walking by yawning I was waiting for one of them to come up to me just say something creepy just like the Sun never set should've gotten a rental car all right very nice like I'm new to Utah as a as a whole I've never been out of here it's nice this is very white you guys everyone I was just trying to do this diversity thing you guys like nope pretty white here it's a nice change your pace from everybody else okay you guys march to your own drum I dig that very much might be where white people come from Provo Ron is there like a crevice up in the mountains it shoots out white people you come out they just hand you like a Subaru and a rescue dog in there don't live your life like I'm ready very nice yeah like they said I'm from San Diego that's right call San Diego California yeah I like it there have you been there you grew up there all right nice I don't know when the last time you were back there but we have at our beaches we have tsunami evacuation route signs there are signs that tell people which way to run in case there's a tsunami all it is is a sign about this big it's 2 feet by 2 feet it's blue and it says tsunami evacuation route and it's just an arrow that points inland that's it that's the entire sign that is our tax dollars going to work in San Diego I don't know who that signs for who's that for I know we get a lot of tourists in San Diego but if you're a human being with natural human-like fears and you see something big wet and mean coming this way and you don't know that you should probably turn around start hauling it the other way then you know what we as a society we don't need you we don't need that person it was a good deal all around you don't need that guy voting or filling out the census no this is perfect I just can't imagine that person standing in the sand looking at the water seeing this big wall of water just going oh my I'm befuddled I don't know what to do I'm gonna stand in a doorway you better stop drop and roll honey we're gonna go we're gonna get through this [Applause] [Music] I flew out here I flew out here on United because they're given those tickets away my guy's a hero we need to put him on a stamp everyone summer vacations a little bit cheaper thanks to him I flew with a last time before this I flew to Boise I flew with a buddy of mine I don't know if you've ever flown with someone like this we were flying from San Diego to Boise and before the plane took off he crossed himself up you know I gave him the father the son goes to Christmas past he hit all the corners well we had a connection in Oakland we had to get on another plane in Oakland and as we're taking off he hits it again and I looked at him I go that doesn't transfer from the first one you gotta hit hit every time like if I was doing it I would do one big one in the morning I'd be like hey for everything whatever may come up hay goes no you got to do it every time I'm like all right cool then do it I'm like when you're doing it are you brave for everybody he goes of course I'm like you better be does that be weird wouldn't it this plane goes down everyone's dead and on fire in a cornfield except for you just sitting there just oh I should have prayed for everybody didn't mistake there's gonna be a lot of questions when the authorities arrive I'm still scared of turbulence when I fly I fly all the time but I've never gotten used to that I'm still the guy just going like I'm that guy terrified I hate it when I sit next to someone that won't acknowledged the turbulence I was on this one flight I had the window seat the guy in the middle he was reading the book but it was too turbulent to be reading but he wouldn't let it go he's just sitting there like this and I'm over here terrified and he's a wheat there was one of those big drops you know everyone smile there's a big drum and his book went down he just popped it back up [Music] and I was like will you believe is acknowledge that our butts just dropped a thousand feet just give me a wink in an oddly yes this is terrifying just something I do this you can try this too I've done this to cope with the being afraid of the turbulence I do this reverse psychology thing so now when I'm in a plane and it gets choppy in my head I go yeah take it down let's do it let's put it in the ground let's see what you got and then when it doesn't crash I go that's what I thought that way I felt like I was in charge get that plane in the air I like traveling I you to meet different people it's nice my guy here everyone's nice they put me in a very nice hotel I'm not used to that I used to very and was like look at all these towels what am I supposed to do with all I was in Seattle recently and I didn't have a hotel booked I waited to the last minute I got a hot wire thing like a you know you can get a good deal last minute I got a room for $40 and I found that that is too cheap everything should be more than $40 every room anywhere your own mother should charge you more than $40 to crash on the couch for a night it was such a bad situation I went in and this is how I was welcome to the hotel the lady behind the counter was yelling at somebody to get out she was like no you paid with cash I don't have a card on file either you bring us more cash or get out oh this is gonna be fun so I'm just standing there with my credit card driver's license waiting for my turn and as I'm waiting a lady walks in she brought two kids and she's like can I get a job application I'd like to clean the rooms and I'm like what so now I got a tear coming down and to add a trifecta to this situation there was an elderly man in a wheelchair he was missing a leg and he's just aimlessly doing donuts in the lobby just not really going anywhere just kind of doing donuts and I'm standing there looking at all this and I'm like no way there's no way she's over there yelling get out she's over here can I get an application this poor old man Sean's leg just doing donuts and I'm like there's no way there's no way this hotel has Wi-Fi there's no way see how this adds up to me enjoying Netflix in five minutes sure enough I was correct I was right they did not have good Wi-Fi out there but that's why I like traveling you get to meet different people that's why I like it I was in Portland Oregon anyone here from Portland right you guys are from Portland nice I like it there their whole motto is they keep it weird over there right and they're doing a good job they're doing a good job go check it out everyone's pulling their weight in that town I'm making a weird I did that Joe in Seattle and I took the train down to Portland and when I got to the train station I came across the young lady who I hope was on drugs you ever meet anyone like that where you just go oh I hope that's not permanent I hope that was a decision I hope you decided for that to happen I hope you're having a great time while the rest of us are mortified for you was what shoes do when she was lined up against the streets I'm just doing this right here he's gone I'm like which drug is that one I've never seen this before I'm trying to walk by while she's doing that she sees me and she yelled at me she yelled at me she goes you look like Jesus I said thank you and I kept walking because you don't slow down for that you don't keep that conversation going you cut that off right there you go thank you you just reminded me and a walk fast enough I appreciate it so I'm trying to walk off she yelled at me again Jesus well I can't let my children down I gotta throw up in the discard all to pull this thing what if this is a big day for what if this is where she turns her life around does she got to meet who she thinks is Jesus at the Portland train station I can't leave her hanging this could be a monumental day in this woman's life I have to throw her a blessing here's a prom though I've never seen a blessing thrown I've never seen a go down is it underhand I've never seen it happen so I could think quick I had to think on my feet that's what I came up with I just turned and pointed at her and when you got it [Applause] I love it that's why I enjoy it so much it's very nice I like travelling cuz it brings excitement to my life because otherwise I'm a pretty boring person I don't do much I go to Costco I hang out a cocktail any other Costco people I have to here I never went as a kid because I grew up in a small family of three and you don't go and there's only three of you you'll never be able to finish all that ketchup it's impossible it's not for your small family but my wife she grew up always going to Costco and she loves it so she's the one that got me into going to Costco and it's a weird place to go with adult eyes having never been there as a child that's weird cuz they give you guys samples of food that everyone already knows the taste of and people still line up like what does that mac and cheese are you handing out tiny symbols of macaroni and cheese oh yes get up there get your rations they give you some little stick to eat it like every once in a while someone asked the lady in the hairnet stupid questions did you add butter the jet butter is that why it's so creamy and delicious did you add some butter gonna butter did you add no that's just regular Kraft macaroni and cheese can I get another sample no all right easy easy we're back in a white I guess we'll just get a crate of it it's bringing up [Applause] it's the weirdest places only pleasure they giving you a sample this big and you're like hmm can we eat this forever can you make that happen like oh yes we sell it by the crate nothing else works that way nothing else works that way you get a sample this big and you buy a pallet of it works that way imagine if other things did work that way though imagine if I don't know that's how everyone got to pick their significant others you get a picture of this big oh yeah that's the one are you sure uh-huh yeah that's the one and then they just show up just whop oh did you add butter you guys are awesome I turned 30 last month which I'm excited about I'm in the 30 club I don't know when you start feeling like an adult I don't know when that starts kicking in because I definitely don't I was at the grocery store I was picking out some jam some preserves for my toast in the morning I like to put jam on there and I picked one out in the jar with slippery and it slipped through my in and smashed on the floor and as soon as it happened my first thought was run we got they're gonna know it was you who that's not an adult an adult stands there and calls the manager over goes excuse me and then they bring a teenager over with a mop and you stand there while you watch them clean and you go yes that is how this works I'm gonna need to need a free jar for my troubles that's how an adult handles it with me I'm running through the aisle I don't even like Jam that's what I'm yelling to try to throw them off my scent it wasn't me 30 is not old but I have like an old soul like inside I'm like an older gentleman I know that because I was watching TV and the Sun set her retractable awning commercial came on and after the commercial I was like maybe maybe it's time for the sunset that commercials been off for 30 years I've never cared about it ever and now I'm like they make some solid points their shade I like to crank things this is all in my wheelhouse I love it they haven't even changed the commercial is still the same couple going outside with lemonade and then the Sun hit something and the voiceover comes on like you should get a sunset a retractable awning it will keep your deck and patio 20 degrees cooler that's their whole selling point explaining how shade works and that's the entire commercial so bizarre but I'm in I want it I did another adult thing I got a Keurig at home I make coffee at home which I feel like this and that that's a step into adulthood because I don't like coffee shops us for young people that's for the young uns that alike who I want to go to a coffee shop I might meet somebody who knows what might happen but I like to make my coffee at home because I don't want to go to a coffee shop oh I might meet somebody who knows what might have it's ugly get the reverb I don't need to be talking to anyone until I'm awake to do some huh I can handle you now let's do this so bizarre my my wife we've been married for a couple years it's very nice I like being married I wouldn't want to be single it looks awful out there I don't know how you doing everyone just has to smile a lot I like being married because I get to be honest we know each other you know we know each other but when you're single you always have to be on your best behavior because you don't know who's coming around the corner it could be your soul mate she's coming around the corner you can't be all down in the dumps you gotta be like hi I don't like that I just like to be myself that's how I enjoy being married I cried at my wedding I don't know if that I don't know if that's a shocker for the cat man it wasn't my fault that I cried I'm not gonna blame me I'm gonna blame my wife because that's the easy thing to do I'm gonna say it was her fault cuz the day before we're doing the walkthroughs you know the rehearsals and stuff and while we're standing over the altar and she turns me as she goes hey take this seriously tomorrow can I go yeah okay yeah she's like no really I don't want you hamming it up thinking you're at one of your comedy shows this is serious there's 15 grand on the line don't mess this up who are you but I don't want to mess it up for my wedges the next day I'm standing there I'm very serious Mike okay here we go here we go and then like at that moment I realized that everyone that was important in my life was sitting there all dressed up for this big day they came and then my wife starts walking down the aisle and she's gorgeous and her father's walking her down the aisle and he looks the way he does there's a guy off to the side playing acoustic guitar as they're coming down and he's not playing like Metallica riffs or something hard he's playing like butterfly kissy coffee-shop music and all of that tornado didn't do a thing and at that moment I realized I've been using comedy to hide my emotions my entire life what an awful time to find that out and I just started crying not a little bit not like a respectable one tear oh he has a heart like ugly like a everything came out everything I never cried about before came out there's a parakeet that died in middle school that I never fully Moore and I was like spark or know like everything came out [Laughter] thankfully one of my groomsmen called me a wuss during the ceremony just very quickly what would and I'm like uh he like zapped me out and I was like thank you that is why you guys are here need to be a man right now I married my wife stop crying like we're at ice cream or something I like being married my wife she she hinted that she's been hinting that she wants to have children if she said hey I wanna have kids she's beating around the bush that's a bummer like I'm interested in the endeavor kind of I'm gonna the reason I don't want kids I'm gonna blame you parents you're not really selling me on it I see you out there you're not really selling me on that purchase you know what I do want I want to buy a jet ski you know why because I've seen other people with jet skis and they look like they're having an awesome time all the time they're always shirtless on the water whoo yeah don't like I want it on that you know what I've never seen just parents hanging out with their kids just going yeah these are the guys man get yourself some of these hey if I saw that a few times I'd be like we're gonna look into this kid thing cuz it looks to be a ball all my friends have kids and they're really good parents so I see what it takes to be a good parent and I go oh I don't have that cuz if you're a good parent you gotta be a good parent every day of the week you can't take Sundays off cuz then your kid won't be good yeah it's a seven day a week job you just can't come out of your bedroom on a Sunday and go not today then you wanna have a good kid seven days a week you always have to be there always down there what do we say what do we say that man just gave you something what do we say to that man that just gave you that we're saying thank it we're saying that we're saying that one second sir we're safe open your eyes Jeremy we're saying thank you one second please we're saying uncross your arms mister we're saying thank you for saying it we're saying hey look at me we're saying it bag it takes a village please sir we're saying I got my kids but I won't want it good ones you ever seen one of the not good ones yeah that's someone's kid like for every like star high school quarterback there's another one you're like yeah yeah that one's mine oh I don't know if you can choose you just kind of you know you figure it out along the way I don't know how it works I have a younger brother we're 13 years apart she's kind of kind of have like a father-son dynamic going on a little bit cuz this is 13 years it's quite the difference like when he was nine I coached his youth soccer team which was kind of weird because I wasn't trying to be a coach I was just trying to drop him off her first day of practice and they're like well you're in luck we don't have enough coaches and I was like what what does that have to do with me that's very easy to become a coach like I didn't like how easy it was they're like you're in I'm like you don't want to Google me like make sure I'm not like a red dot on your left ABS green purse like no here's a father some kids have fun at the park I'm like wow there should be more tennis than that and I told him I'm like I don't even know anything about soccer and they're like don't worry here's a little twenty page pamphlet everything you need to know about coaching youth soccer you know it was not in the pamphlet what to do in case one of the kids craps their pants and it happened and I'm flipping through the booklet like nothing nothing not even a suggestion and I don't know what to do I get a bunch of nine-year-olds jumping around going Jeremy crapped his pants come over there like I don't know don't pass it to him I don't know what to tell ya take it easy on the high-fives I don't know what to tell you we're gonna go hose him down it's gonna be a team effort it's gonna be nice let's all get together [Music] it wasn't in the pamphlet would you want me to do I have to wing it oh well isn't a good coach I didn't know any of the rules all their games are on Saturday mornings at 7 a.m. I was like really these kids don't play in primetime ever there's no Monday night soccer right it's too early for me to coach we actually had a good team we went all the way to the championship game we didn't win but we got all the way there had nothing to do with mine on coaching we had two Mexican kids that were unbelievable they really were my only job as a coach was to make sure the eight other unathletic white kids got out of the wave Miguel and Jose that was my only job I was like hey do you guys want to win all right well when you see these two coming down the middle you park like the Red Sea and you let them work their magic okay those kids are playing for contracts and you guys are playing cuz your parents don't want to watch you two days out of the way except let's try to win something oh my god well we'll have kids one day I'm trying to be an adult I have been doing adult things like I last November I voted that was really cool I did bad I've never done that before we're just cool thank you you don't need to Clem all right that's fine I know it's not that impressive I went in and went that's now a vote and then they gave me a sticker sticker that was the whole voting process I even watched all the debates which I had no it was my first season I had never wanted to debates before I hadn't watched the previous seasons it was my first season I picked a weird season to jump in on [Music] this is crazy it's a weird one I'm glad that I watch because like I'll be honest with you guys that it's good to pay attention because in 2012 I didn't vote for Mitt Romney not because I knew any of his politics but only because he had jet black hair with grey on the sides and I grew up in the 90s and that's every villain in every cartoon my guys he's got boys in the drinking water and try to kill the Ninja Turtles I can't so I watched all the debates those debates are so funny the moderator I always felt bad for the moderator cuz everyone kept going over their time and he kept going your time is up your time is up your time is up you said it so many times it to a point I was like I think he might be talking at the country like he's not talking to the candidates that's a message for us hey your time is up head for the hills get those canned goods in the four-wheel drive we're done here so high we voted my voting situation was weird cuz I voted at my neighbor's house I don't know if that happened anyone else that was my polling place was my neighbor's house which kind of took the shine off the proceedings a little bit my wife and I we just walked out of our house we walked around the block and my neighbor set it up in his garage and did not feel official like that is not how you picked the next king this feels wrong I went in there I put my Starbucks on a stack of like empty paint buckets he give me a scantron with a sharpie I went to a booth that was snapped together with cardboard I just remember looking at my wife going I don't think they're counting these come on me crazy we're in a garage right now I didn't just vote for president I vote on all the propositions I read most of them it's a lot of reading I went in with good intentions the first third I read every line mm-hmm-hmm informed decision the next third I started skimming there was some skimming it started happening in that last third I was just like yes yes no no is there a see I remember in high school there was a see if I didn't I still thought I did a fine job and so we were walking home my wife is like hey would you put for the death penalty and I was oh that was on there they sure to put that higher up we messed up in San Diego question one was like hey do you want the Chargers to get a new stadium number 85 how do you feel about killing people you have to be careful with the propositions cuz sometimes you vote stuff in but it doesn't take action for a couple years like we voted to ban plastic bags in in Southern California maybe all of it I don't know but it now it kicked in and it's weird now at the grocery store it's weird out there because I don't have plastic bags anymore and they sell them for ten cents and that's what they sell em for now and I don't know who these people are yelling at the cashiers but they are so timid when you walk up you walk up and they go did you did you bring your bag did you bring your bag and I go no no I didn't that's you guys I bring money you have food and bags let's have it it's been this way for centuries and she goes it's gonna be ten cents per bag it's gonna be ten cents and I go okay I I had no idea I was filthy rich apparently cuz it's not an issue like who are these people just yelling oh really well then just put it back been taking my business that was worth 10 cents isn't slowing me down but I guess since people have an issue with the next time at the grocery I'm at the grocery store I'm gonna throw a dollar down I'm go bags for everybody he just came in he threw a dollar down and made a tornado motion with his hand said bags for he was like the Oprah of bags you get a bag you get a bag everybody gets a bag we carried him out like Rudy he was our champion I don't care who you voted for I'm gonna tell my story anyway I am vote for Trump and one of my best friends did and we were talking about it not yelling just talking like people which is weird nowadays hey ask me goes what are you so scared of that's what he asked me yeah he's been what are you so scared of and I was like oh that's a weird thing to just an arrow down I guess the biggest thing that scares me is that historically nothing good has ever happened in this country when the rednecks are happy that's the part that scares me and I'm not saying that can't change in the next four to eight years I'm just saying historically that's never been the case historically any time a large group of people go that's followed by centuries of the rest of us gone we are so sorry I like it now it's been a few months of people are more friendly about it but it got weird there after a while I blame the internet for that I blame the internet because we argue with people you've never met before you know it's it's Facebook has taken things away you can't have acquaintances anymore remember acquaintances they're people you kind of knew hey his name's Dave works at the hardware store we talk about sports and that's all you knew about Dave and you like Dave that way and now you gotta beat Dave's friend on Facebook and you're like Dave is in the Ku Klux Klan I thought he just liked the Chargers but know there was more you guys are fun I have been doing more manly stuff I know the kids are on the next I'm a doctor but I also I fixed the toilet at my house which I'm really proud of thank you but listen I grew up without a dad and I've rented my entire life that means I don't fix anything you don't fix things when you rent that's against the rules of renting you work around the problem until the lease is up and then you go rent a new place with a work and whatever that is that's how renting works the first place I ever rented out of high school my buddy Dana and I got an apartment and the sliding glass door came off the tracks so we're just like oh that's just a big window now that's what that is that is no longer an enter exit situation that was just a big dumb window this is for the head my wife didn't grow up around that so I came home from being on the road and she goes hey baby the toilets hissing and I'm like its hissing she was yeah hissing I was like oh well we got three more months and I'll find you a place without a hissing toilet she goes ah you gotta go fix it I go why me why do I have to go neither of us know how to fix anything why do I gotta go in there why don't we both go in there with that Stanley tool said that your mom got us for Christmas that we don't know how to work that'd be the fair decision of that what do I have to go in their bylaws the arguments so I had to go in there and just so you know it wasn't a bowl issue because any idiot with four arms can fix a bowl issue I was working in the tank that's the motherboard of the toilet you guys people make a living off of working in the tank they go to Community College get a certificate that says they can mess around in the tank you don't just go in there all willy-nilly I went in there I flipped that lid open how archaic is that in there has there never been a remodel on the toilet tank just one design in the 1800s it's like yeah we're good forever let's move on how about another gander at this looks like an erector set in there reminded me of that board game from the 90s mousetrap you guys remember mousetrap that's what's in there you hit the lever a marble comes down Jolly Green Giant flies over I didn't know how it worked I'm just staring into the tank dumbfounded and the worst part is I can see my own reflection in the bottom of the tank my own stupid face staring back at me and I was hoping for like a Disney moment like in the Lion King like maybe the water were Ripple and there's my dad staring back at me like adjust the flux on and I'd be like oh thanks dad and then here it goes away and that did not happen I had to go on YouTube I don't watch your YouTube video someone else's dad made if I could fix my toilet you guys are fun don't feel bad that I grew up without a dad I had one of those super moms she taught me everything I needed to know she actually taught me how to shave my mom did which is kind of weird but I did have the smoothest legs in the 8th grade so tough to beat I don't remember it ever being weird growing up without a debt the only time Sue's ever weird is when I would spend the night at people's houses that had a dad I'd be in there like who's this guy why is he walking around all there again what's he on this place I don't like this guy's bravado what's his whole deal and then you leave for work my friends would be like bye dad I ain't coming back it's also one of my favorite jokes thanks for going along with it I grew up or anyone in here girl porn or is everyone just got money is that our whatever I grew up in a single-wide mobile home which I didn't my mom never told us we were poor I found out at school cuz uh like in first grade one of the assignments was draw your house and my drawing was different everyone else had like a pointy roof and a garage and mine was just like a rectangle I threw some grass in there and the teacher thought I was being lazy she's like you're not taking this assignment seriously and I'm like we don't really have a lawn I just threw that in there I took some artistic license because I was done way too early sighs my wife's family is rich they're loaded my wife has an aunt that she's a multi-millionaire she bought a mansion in San Diego that she's not even gonna live in for five to ten years she just bought this mansion for later for another time now that's hard to relate to okay I can kind of relate to it a little bit because sometimes I go to Subway and I get a footlong sandwich and I eat half right just half then I saved the other half for later for another time no no that is it for later sandwich you guys are fun my wife and I we live in a a one-bedroom cottage and we've been living there for two years but when we first moved in like the second week we were there the middle of the night it's like 2:00 in the morning there's a noise in the kitchen I don't know what it was arose such a clatter in the kitchen something went down in the kitchen my wife elbowed me in the ribs and she goes baby there was a noise you know what you have to do as a man you have to get up you have to you know possibly get murdered that's what you have to do because you're in love it's a stupid rule I don't know who made that rule it's a dumb rule I don't know why we both can't lay in bed and call the cops that sounds safer put it on speakerphone teamwork all right one two three yeah there's the noise we don't know what it is but I didn't do that I got up to in the morning I got up I wear contact lenses those aren't in so I can't see and I'm sorry I got it baby can I walk around the bed and I get to the doorway of our bedroom guys go oh that was the noise you ever wish you could ever redo in life but I'd love to have that one back maybe some a little more gutter rollin blue welcome it's like something good but that's what I learned about me you wake me up with you in the morning I'm very friendly for some reason it ended up being nothing by the way my cat made the noise Jessica was being a cat and made noise but I told that story to a friend of mine at the next day and he goes you should get a gun and I go yeah that would have made that a lot better he gets been lovely [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,282,446

Rating: 4.8721318 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Zoltan Kaszas, Zoltan Kaszas Dry Bar Comedy, Zoltan Kaszas Comedy, Zoltan Kaszas Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedians, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Cat People, Cat Jokes, Dogs, dog energy, adulting, us elections, fix a toilet

Id: VFB4ZQT-Te8

Length: 44min 11sec (2651 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 02 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/JoshuaL05]

He does sorta look like Jesus