How To Cope In A World Of Idiots. Jessi Campbell - Full Special

just free-range morons just out for the day oh I see a lot of stuff when I travel see a lot of stuff I meet a lot of people like you're all new people to me which is cool I like to meet new people I try to be nice it's hard it's hard to be nice it is your waste niceness right you ever waste it like I was at a mall and this guy was I opened a door for a guy like we're both walking out and I saw him like right behind me so I opened the door and he walked through and he stopped right outside the other side of the door and start checking his phone so I was like trapped behind him that's a waste of this I only have so many of these lists like you can't be nice to everybody because there's too many people out there hey there's something happening right where there's just more dumb people right like you guys have have to have noticed like it's not just me right there's something yeah and I don't mean people to anything clinically wrong with them I mean people that just do stuff like that that just slow the day down for everyone else righteous dum-dums right just free-range morons just out for the day just cage-free idiots just like yeah yeah like let me walk slow in a mall the five of us are gonna walk side-by-side just try getting around it stir like I was driving I'm on the highway that's 65 on the highway there is a car in the right lane going 45 I'm going 20 miles on her I lost it like this one things I have this fantasy right all right just imagine I have a slow snowplow on the front of my car and I could just edge him off like just like now you don't get to know this is you don't get to drive you right but and like I go to pass the car I want to give a look like I like to look these people in the eye right I look over it's a woman she's not even looking out the windshield she is looking out the driver's side window like this just a whole world of responsive in from the windshield and she's just like I'm out I'm having a day here I think we should have what we should have is we have a city was just dumb dumb city where we just send all these people right which is I could name a hundred cities right now just the city we just fence it off put all the dumb people in it let them live their lives right they just have happy lives in a slow city it's fine right like we have a division of the police you can call it and call the police and be like hey there's an idiot and the police come and I throw a sheet over her car right and she falls asleep like a parent because she would you don't sound like she gets slightly darker she's a good sleepy time it just passes out that's what would happen and the cops just gently take her car and they put they just put it in in dumb dumb city right they don't hurt it they take the sheet off and she just wakes up and keeps his driving he's like a whole different trailers and she's like all this trees now and just lives her life she just goes into any house she's like this is my house right like I was at Starbucks I'm in line to Starbucks it's a long line and they're like 15 minutes there's a guy in front of me he's in line for like 15 minutes and he gets up to the counter and he goes what did I want I could have on my hands I was like are you gonna strangle him like I couldn't control him I was like no hands no like this I couldn't do anything about Missy I should be able to call the police and be like hey there's an idiot at Starbucks in the police comment so I shoot over him he falls asleep and there's take him to dum-dum saying take his sheet off at a start and he's at a Starbucks there and he's like what did I want and the guy behind the counter is like I don't even work here I fell asleep in a Burger King I don't know what happened and they just start pressing buttons he just does his order like that's it so we need the I am super excited to be here had a great day thank you all for coming out I'm in a good mood thank you yeah it's a good day I've had a good I did nothing today I didn't put pants on till 6:00 p.m. [Music] when all day you're like no pants yeah I had a good day yesterday I had a nice I like to relax before a big show the day before just went to Panera for lunch dukey's at Panera here Oh where'd it get our delicious sandwiches you don't you're like we don't have seen which is here get out of Utah for your bread and meats I'm sure you guys have some good places I gotta put here when I'm on the road cuz it's it's consistent I know what I'm getting you know I go and buy myself walking around all the time well if driving let's be honest I'm not just strolling down streets like sandwiches sorry worried about sandwiches I'm gonna get the same thing no matter where I go right I get the same thing I get a grilled cheese in a tomato soup alright yeah cuz I'm a giant child it's a classic it's amazing right I went to Panera once and I get my grilled cheese with my tomato soup and I sit down and I take a bite it's sandwich and I was like hey I think the soup wants to be in here too I think these two are friends right yeah so I take a bite of the sandwich and I lean forward to take it by to soup and the bite of sandwich falls out of my mouth and goes into the soup and yeah and I look up and the woman at the booth across from me is staring me right in the eyes yeah so I just ate every single bite like that yeah cool you want to show I'll put on a show I got a night job I could do this all day I was in Lyon one's going up for lunch and I was the next one at the register and there were two firefighters behind me so when I got to the register I told the guy I went I want to pay for their lunch and I said it like really cocky like I was the hero right like I said it and I waited for him to throw me a parade I was like gotta watch out the confetti he's coming yeah and then six more firefighters walked in and I was like never mind not a hero when traveling I went to CVS so into the pharmacy by my house to get some provisions for my trip and I was in line I was up there the guy at the register was checking me out he was checking my stuff out and I know where I stand he's cheeky he's checking me out and these two guys walk in and they go and they walk to the beer case and they each take two cases of beer and they walk out they make no attempt to pay for them nothing and none of the employees do anything about it almost jumps in line we're like freaking out right we're like you guys are being robbed right and the guy at the register leans forward to me and he goes if you take less than $50 where the stuff are not allowed to stop you and I went how much is my stuff sure yeah and he goes 34 97 and I put my hand on it and he just went please don't like I feel like I broke him but just so you know if you need anything from CVS just go in and take it and walk out if you have a once that once a day you will never have to buy toiletries again just Monday shampoo Tuesday conditioner you're like hey Bob they're like see you tomorrow all right you like toothpaste windows Wednesday's working for you right yeah oh yeah that's what I did I'm glad to be on the road I am having some problems at home I don't mean problems I have right now a situation I'm dealing with there is a raccoon living in my chimney I'm totally serious we can't get him to leave you know how I discovered it this is the worst way to discover it I heard a noise in my chimney and so I stuck my dumb head in there and he took one of his tiny demon hands grabbed my nose they have human hands I thought it was a tiny demon like you're coming with me like I thought it's a chimney I was like oh no like it was a bad situation he screamed in my face is awful and so I I like I know what you're thinking right now you're just thinking why don't you just light a fire right I can't every time I stick a match in there he goes that's it horrible so I call animal control and like hey I have a raccoon you guys need to come and get it and the lady goes we can't come get a rack who analyst are injured yeah and I was like well how do you injure a raccoon like just you have a manual leg another way is it emotional just do that like just emotional that I know that I got great and she goes you if you injure that I have to call the police that is animal cruelty and I'm like you told me to do it I didn't want to do it you told me to I'm told me to right so she goes with what you can do she goes this guy's already died and it's already it's all good already he's look good she she goes what you can do she goes if you they don't like loud music like music a lot of bass she goes so if you blast music it'll make them leave something okay fine so I just all day I'm just blasting like EDM and rap just loud obnoxious music my neighbors are looking at the windows open like you know what's going on there's a raccoon like the world's weirdest neighbor and he doesn't leave he doesn't leave so I called back call back tell Animal Control I'm like I need to get rid of this raccoon and she goes okay she was what you can try she goes if you attract another raccoon she goes they'll fight and it'll be disputed territory and they'll both leave so I'm like all right I think bringing another raccoon in the situation is a perfect idea like I can't give me words so I did I attract a raccoon I'm like I'm like what do they like to eat and I was like what do I like to eat like I think we eat the same thing as I have a suspicion so I just leave a trail of like Cheetos and Papa John's just up to my chimney right and it happens one that it happens it's like late at night I hear there's a rustling there's critters raccoons screams it's crazy right so I go the next day like I did it and I look and now there is a bigger raccoon living in my chimney I have a raccoon gamla we're just the stronger ones like I'm staying like that's what's happening in two weeks I'm gonna have a human-sized raccoon in my kitchen like who's next it's got the move I like where I live I don't like I have a bad neighbor I have one of my neighbors I don't like I don't like him he's very rude it's very hard because he's very attractive you ever hate someone attractive that's hard that's hard to deal with I'm just you know what I mean like he's really good-looking he's like a beefcake he won't like work out in the driveway with no shirt and I'm just like you aren't just the worst like I just he's the worst his name's Kevin - all Kevin's are the worst right you've never met a nice Kevin you've never met a guy named Kevin been like he's a great guy that's never happened right yeah I don't see anybody raise their hand like I know what good Kevin not one of you know Oh one okay is that Kevin next to you oh I'm sorry you seem like a nice guy I don't like him okay here's money I don't lean on three Kevin's my entire life right one of them is in jail one of them wrong to Britney Spears and one of them is my neighbor very specific reference don't like my neighbor he doesn't mean things and he's an uber driver right so every time I'm home like once or twice a week it's 3:00 in the morning I'll set my alarm and I'll call an uber and then I look out my window and I watch as his bedroom light turns on and then this bathroom light turns on and then his front light turns on and then when he leaves the door I cancel it yeah that's right yeah like I saw you put your trash in my trash can Kevin now you're awake too nice to be out and about I've been traveling a lot to travel for this comedy and I was in I've had I had one of those days like just like a long crazy that I was traveling I flew from California to Nate upstate New York three flights all day I was like shiny at the end of the day you need to get that end of the day shininess or they're like you need to get out of this Airport cuz planes are gonna land on your face I'm like right here right I check into my hotel melih know we're late at night the lady gives me the key I go up to my room put the key in the door I opened the door and there was a man there is a human man asleep on my hotel beds and I was like that is odd I got the breakfast package I'm not quite sure if that's that counts oh no what package this is so I slowly close the door I go back downstairs I told the woman the counter I went excuse me I went there is a man in my room and she went what kind of man irrelevant I wasn't like he seems like a family man I'm gonna see if this is gonna work out be right back look I don't think it's gonna work out between us I've been doing a lot of traveling I've been doing a lot of international traveling I've been going out of the country a bunch which has been a great experience but not for the people who meet me I'm American hey you guys I don't know if you could tell by my BMI that I am from America born and raised here I'm not bragging I am the stereotype of what other countries hate about Americans right like if you see a poster for bad Americans just me like hey like I'm overweight I'm loud I'm cocky for no reason yeah like every country I go to I'm like we're here boots on the ground yeah yeah I don't want to be like that it doesn't matter where I'm going I just land and I'm like where's your Mexican food feel like you're in Europe I'm like you put cheese in something I need a quesadilla and you got one I go America on people quick right do that too like I went to Canada which we can all agree is not another country right come on it's not it's like the same kind of right I think of Canada how I think of like my grandma's attic right like it's higher up it's a little chilly I feel like I have to be quieter I'm like I don't think they like brassy broads here I went to Canada once I go right across the border to su Ste Marie it's a tiny town right across the border and I went to a gas station i'ma choose a five dollar bill great at four at the gas station and the guy wouldn't take it right and I'm like I don't know international I'm like I can see my border you have to take my money I believe that to the law I said it only works one way we can't use yours that's crazy he wouldn't take I start freaking angle America real quick I'm waving this five dollar bill around I'm like do you know who this is I was like this is Abraham Lincoln right he was a great man he was our 11th president and he goes he was your 16th I went to American public school we don't learn about that there apologize to your king for me my top hat they wear those they're right I'm into a lot of cool places I went to Guantanamo Guantanamo Bay it's a naval base on the opposite side of Cuba when an island I don't know why I did that like I don't know that's the shame it's an island you guys know that's the same language sign for island you just have to believe me just said it that makes it true I went to one time I was just cool I did a show for the Navy there and it was it was cool we went there it's a tropical island they have all kinds of crazy wildlife there like they have iguanas to get like six feet long and they have these things there they look like giant guinea pigs or like this big and they run around the island and I was asking the guy we were with I said what do you call those like what are they and he goes we call them banana rats yeah and I said do you call them banana rats because they eat bananas and he goes no we call them banana rats because their poop is the size and shape of a banana I was like oh my gosh I'm a banana red never new guy he's first one all right all right test in the waters medium we forego Anton MO from the Naval Base in Jacksonville and we flew on ac-12 which is a naval plane that seats seven people including the pilots yeah I was sitting right the height behind the pilot like how's the flying going can you feel my breath on your neck back up okay okay I'll back up back up I don't need to sit this close I realized that now right and we flew there from Jacksonville and that's like a normal airports a big naval Airport and we had to check in as though we're at a regular airport and there was four of us going and the lady at the desk asked every single one of us very loudly in front of a bunch of people how much we weighed and I was last if she gets to me she's like how much do you weigh I was like I don't know the most I was like put me down for two people please I would like to human tickets and she goes what we need to know because they need to know how much fuel to put in the plane and I was like all of it just fill her up how about this how about we don't chanson how about you look I will siphon the gas out of the other planes and carry on as my luggage like oh we had 10,000 feet yet so I don't know how many of you because ever wear pants with holes in them like cool fashion holes in your pants really cool pants you get a leg rips and stuff yeah cool pants right for cool people I was like I want to wear those right but nobody told me this if you were pants with holes in them when you put them on you you have to go toesies down right like a gentle lady you got to go in like a ballerina you got a ducky toe yeah you gotta you gotta go you do a little bit ballet it's a whole thing it's a whole thing trust me no one told me this I was in a dressing room and I was like I'm doing it I'm getting these cool pants and I stick my size 11 canoe into these pants heel first it's like ahh and then my sausage toe just grabs onto the whole I was like I and just I just hear it and like I'm still in emotion like no I can see it happening rip the whole pair of pants completely I'm just in half a Capri like Oh No there's just a swatch of denim around my ankle oh man and I can't face up to what I've done I can't obviously and so I just fold him up and I just left like the woman at the counter was like are you okay I'm like thanks bye and I run but you know she went into that dress room it was like are you serious right and she should be able to call the police he'd be like hey there's an idiot could probably catch her in Hot Topic and the police come in throw a sheet over me take a little nap and I just wake up in a dressing room and dum-dum City with half of Georgia and I'm like this feels right here for some reason feels pretty good here I'm trying to learn new things I would like to be smarter wish I was a smarter person smart people do one thing I won't do I won't watch people and I know a lot of smart people that watch foreign films I won't do it not doing it now there's not cuz there's foreigners it's because there's subtitles that's crazy you want me to read and then look and then read in then look are you serious I only have two eyes okay watching TV is like reading for your eyes they're already busy whoa do it I went to my friend's house we watch movies together and she puts a movie on then she stops it when oh so sorry it's a foreign film is that okay no no it's not okay if you called me an hour ago and asked me if I wanted to read a book while you yelled at me in Korean I would have said No like this is a good chapter why are you swinging that sword around distracted I'm gonna take a survey cuz this is another thing that kills me that like it's something okay so how many people here are good with cars like know stuff about cars Oh a lot of you guys that's awesome that's there's like ten people that's great that's a high that's a high number usually at zero you guys could you like you too buddy mm-hmm friends for life that's awesome guys do you guys know each other already oh okay well I never I take it back good for you guys that's cool that's it is rare now like nobody knows anything about cars and that's like we should all know more we should be more self-sufficient right like you have to trust your mechanic we know anything about cars like I took my car and my McCann tells me he goes your brakes are at 70% now I don't know what that means but I do understand fractions and I'm like does that mean 7 out of 10 times my brakes are gonna work and three out of ten so I'm gonna plow into an intersection my sorry guys I don't understand cars just go from ooh like I was driving once I'm on the highway and smoke starts coming out of my cars crazy all this smoke says come on my hood so I pull over really quick and I turn the car off and I popped the hood and I go and I look what was I looking for I was like yep that's it that's my engine or it's not I don't know anything about cars you can put a cardboard box there would've been like yeah but that's this that's my cardboard Aitor [Applause] I am trying to learn things I'm low class too I am I'll just admit it Oh class I know I look fancy don't be fooled by the $13 shirt I bought this morning like this looks fancy looks like a $14 shirt you don't okay so like everyone kind of falls into a class system right we all kind of belongs somewhere and I'll tell you how you know what class you belong in and that's the food you like that's it that's how you can tell it's what kind of food you like to eat like I'll tell you guys I was watching this cooking show and it's all these hoity-toity rich chefs are all the chefs are like millionaires and the show is them talking about their favorite food right that's what it is and it's all it's in there deciding to cook it it's how far we got with cooking shows everything cook so just like I'm gonna talk about it for half an hour and it's these millionaires talk about their favorite meal and all of them are the same every single one they're like haha I was in the South of France it was this little cafe off the side this cobblestone street and it was in a mousse bouche with fig and goat cheese and blam blam and they're like mwah better fact 0.8 don't know what my favorite meal was one time I made kraft mac and cheese with two cheese packets [Applause] [Applause] you all know my worst meal was the next day I made kraft mac and cheese with no cheese packets I learned a valuable lesson about portions like oh they give you one for a reason well that makes sense now sense yeah at one time this is just okay one time I accidentally ate a challenge food like I accidentally ate one of those things that are on TV where there's like a fat guy eating it and people are cheering him on and they get your picture on the wall I was in the small towns in La Crosse Wisconsin the small town I go to this diner for breakfast and I see this thing on the menu and but there first of all there were a ton of clues that I missed out on all right I look at the mic stack I'm like that looks delicious nine ingredients that's a normal amount of breakfast I'm like mmm that sounds good i order it the waitress twice asked me if I'm sure and I'm like yeah I'm sure bring me the my stack and then she asks me if there are more people coming that's a big clue I was like I get it I'm lonely thank you for rubbing it in right she brings me if and I realized before she brings it there's kind of a hush has fallen over the diner but I'm like well that's not good and my eyes wander up but I see on the wall there's Polaroids under something called the Mike's challenge and I'm like I hope that's not related to the Mike stack cuz that would be weird she brings me the biggest plate of food I have ever seen in my life and she puts it in front of me and now people are like watch him like the guy in the booth next to me is like leaning over everybody the bars turned around and I'm like well what are you gonna do it was like I am hungry it does look good there are nine ingredients and I dig in right and I started eating that I'm eating it I'm going in a good clip right making some good time by halfway in it hits me I'm gonna finish have been I'm like this ain't even touching my hunger this is not Mike this is Tuesday to me this ain't nothing like I'm just eating and then I look up and I see the pictures on the wall and I'm like should I just try to retain just one ounce of dignity but I'm like I can't I can't just have my picture just like like I can't do it someone in 10 years is gonna sit and I just like I can't do it I just have to retain some dignity so I start to I start to really I'm like oh this is so much vision I start playing it up people like you can do it I'm like I wish I could I'm so far I did the only thing to maintain my dignity I got a to-go box let me say something I am NOT a quitter I finished it in the parking lot in my car I might take that mic yeah when I was finished one busboy came out and he nodded at me and I was like you know I'm a winner sometimes though you can be a winner and a loser at the same time this is cool I'm having a good day talked to my family today which is nice and love I love my family have parents that wonderful they are there I love my parents very much although I think it's your parents job right to psychologically damaged you grants a job just enough to make themselves laugh right that's a parent's job right look Mike throw Kate we grew up in a bad neighborhood we had wrought iron bars on the windows and my mom was putting me into bed one night when I was a kid and she goes don't you worry those bars will keep out all the bad people well except the skinny man good night who's the skinny man I think terrify defeat people ever since they're so lying they can in and out of areas other people can't like where did you come from under the baseboard like a rat I'd kind of a weird childhood I think you ever look back on your child and think things were like weird like not weird but I'll take is this for 15 years for 15 years of my life I believed that I was allergic to apples toilets tears goes one time we were kids my sister dared me to eat six grand Smith apples as fast as I could now if you guys know this apples are really high in fiber I'm not allergic to apples you're just not supposed to shove six apples and your fat kid face in two minutes all your poop your pants you'll sully your bloomers you'll soil your OshKosh B'gosh is that's my message here tonight you guys an apple a day but just one that's all you need I grew up in Arizona I'm from Tucson Arizona which is awesome and it's are you from there oh cool awesome me too good for well let's see maybe we ran into each other yeah I probably not where'd you live oh okay yeah no those are the rich people live we probably mention my dad so you know it's hot there it's like crazy it's like over 100 degrees 300 days a year it's crazy my dad is thinks of himself as a handyman which is not true my dad like a lot of dads where he's a handyman like he has to he fixed his stuff until he has to call people to come fix it you know he fixes it enough that it needs to be fixed professionally and he built us one year one summer a playhouse out of corrugated aluminum siding and left it outside on a slab of concrete with no shade above in demand did we plan it and I was sitting there in my sweat lodge as just seeing stuff wretches heat stroke and he's watching from the air-conditioned house eating ice cream like all she hasn't moved in hours she loves it that's how you can tell I have a grandma she's still with us she's amazing she's like the greatest woman who ever lived I love my grandma she's very old obviously she's she's an adult older lady she lives with a depression which have you ever noticed I think that's why I like all of her furniture is uncomfortable I'm talking about like she's just like glad to be alive and my grandma your couch is uncomfortable and she's like did you die of dust pneumonia no well then sit down all right you can tell that's how Westberg is her favorite candies black licorice that is not a young man's candy you don't see a 20 year old eating black jellybeans like it doesn't happen she's like oh this is so good at my grandma we have high fructose corn syrup now you don't have to eat our four Fonda which is like whom this reminds me of the railroad she's a baby snatcher she loves babies if she sees a baby she will grab it and kiss it she loves babies right it's the cutest thing ever and here's the thing if you know someone even oh so you know someone with a baby and you see them from across there they will do everything in their power to hand you that baby right every new parent is just like someone I know and they just start pushing the baby out like it's yours now and you can't dissuade them I've tried right I've seen people with babies that I know and they just started hitting and I'm like a ho oh I don't like babies and they're like he doesn't like you you're even I'm like all the last time I held I dropped he's strong he'll survive I'm gonna kidnap him I wish you would she don't say that I had it I have a baby I had a baby have him still have him he's still in my possession he lives in my house in a baby last year which is crazy it's super weird when you have a baby like I am this is I'm an overweight person and I'm hiding it behind three shirts I am overweight this is what I looked like before I had the baby this is what I look like the entire time I was pregnant and this is what I look like now right no one believed I would tell me I've been seven months pregnant telling my friends like guess one they're like you're falling likea full of burritos right and I'm married and I so don't worry he's gonna go to heaven and step one accomplished and my husband's been incredible my husband's been just amazing he came to every single prenatal appointment cuz he thinks it's his it's just been incredible he's my it looks it looks isaiah i'm not in my son i keep saying yes he gave the first prenatal appointment we went to actually my hands are really bloated so i wasn't wearing my wedding ring and he was wearing his so i go to and you know women notice that stuff i go to sign in and I see the woman behind the desk look at my finger and look at his and I leaned forward and I went his wife doesn't know he's here I stuck with it my whole pregnancy the last appointment I came and still got him I have a baby now which is crazy I'll tell you guys if you don't have kids a little piece of advice that no one told me and I wish someone that told me is that we have a baby when they're born it's very tiring for them right like being born is exhausting and they sleep for like two days which is how long you're in the hospital and I don't think that's a coincidence right cuz all the nurses everybody comes in and I'm like oh what a quiet perfect little baby oh what a little angel he's never gonna cry for you yeah and then you take them home and they wake up and they scream forever I brought my son home it was like you flipped a switch we walked in the door he opened his eyes and he was like when when tricked you idiot when Wham this is who I really am where and he fools you he closes his eyes and you're like oh finally I can sleep finally I can do the dishes and he opens one up and he's like not so fast I wasn't done with you he's cute I'm lucky he's objectively cute like he's actually a cute baby and I know he's cute because we took him to see the pediatrician and the pediatrician walked in and he opened the door and he went wow that's a cute baby right and he sees babies all day and then I thought maybe he does that to every baby like just 50 times a day he's like whoa that's a cute baby whoa that's a cute baby but there's got to be one that he just can't muster it where he's like whoa how are you guys today there has to be man married I've been married for 11 years which is too long and I love my husband I love him so much like he's we're perfect for each other like he's just a wonderful person he's very smart but what he likes to do is he likes to listen to audiobooks and then tell people that he's a big reader no you're not you just like story time yeah he's so gonna suck to hear a little tale that's a you like he's like tell me that what about the drag is okay but then it's beddy-bye time okay he goes to sleep at night he's got an app on his phone it's a white noise app but he goes to sleep too and there's a setting on it for crowded restaurant who has ever been lulled to sleep by the sound of a Crowder just plates clean can I get a blue and never happened I love being married but you discover things when you get married you discover things you didn't know before I didn't know this there's an actual medical condition where people will sleep with their eyes completely open it's true people will sleep with their eyes completely open you know I discovered that the worst way possible the first morning waking up next to my new husband I wake up and look over and he's just laying there and what's my first thought I'm like I gotta get rid of this body how awkward he wakes up and I'm shoving it in the duffel bag good morning fine you wanted to sleep in there he's a great I get uh I get stressed out too easy one of those people I get stressed by every everything makes me everything of the little things everything makes me stressed out right this is the biggest stress in my life I think it's when you're in a bathroom and it's not like stalls but it's the one room and you're in there and somebody knocks on the door jiggles the handle that's that is a heart attack every time right every time every time I'm sitting there and somebody like knocks on the door I I don't know why I always sit up really straight like that's gonna help them like a little excuse me and I always go I always go now you speak Spanish I'm like zapatos la basura biblioteca in other ways I've never once never once been in a public restroom where I could get the latch to close never I think this is the conversation that happens between every two construction workers that build every single public restroom hey these latches don't line up that's okay just make the gap big enough that you can look the person in the eye of know if someone's in there perfect solution [Applause] trying to lose weight I'm working on it I'm eating right and exercising it's the worst I'm miserable so why so many people are fat it's so easy so I just have to lay here any pizza okay like it's the easiest thing working on it I'm trying to work out smarter not harder like there's ways to work out to get the biggest bang for your buck right like I found this out when you walk if you do not swing your arms you will burn 35% more calories it's true but you will also look like a psychopath like where are you going murder [Applause] [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,861,594

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jessi Campbell, Jessi Campbell Dry Bar Comedy, Jessi Campbell Comedy, Jessi Campbell Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedians, Clean Stand Up COmedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clip, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, dbc, stand up, female comedians, dumb people, distressed jeans, city life, traveling, burger king

Id: iONNmrCUCK0

Length: 43min 40sec (2620 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 18 2020