20 Year Olds Don’t Matter. Erica Rhodes - Full Special

you guys are so cute because you still think you matter I'm getting a little older I'm not old but I'm in my 30s is anyone in that age range here yeah wow you're pretty happy about it that's good good job usually they're like yeah here it's funny because for some reason the second you turn 30 you start saying you're old you're like that's it I'm old now I'm old and then for 10 years you just keep saying it you're like I'm old I'm old I'm old I'm old and then you turn 40 and you're like now I'm old I could have been young for an extra 10 years but I wasted it saying I was old now I've lost 10 extra years where I could have been young then you turn 80 you're like now I'm really old I could have been just kind of old now I'm really old then you die and you're like I could have been alive for eighty two and a half years now I'm dead I can't even have this brilliant thought so my point is none of us are old because we're still here yeah still doing it who's in their 20s anybody all right yeah you're you're happier that's good twenty twenties I don't relate to it's like it's a good time but I don't relate to it anymore cuz I'm like you guys are so cute because you still think you matter like the rest your life is just this really long journey where you'll find out you matter less and last and less every day and then you die not to give it away but that's what you can look forward to I feel like you spend your twenties sort of waiting for your life to start you know you guys look so young are you how old are you twenty exactly he's just so ready for it to start already right and that's how it is you're like next year I'm gonna I'm gonna get that big job and my life is gonna start and then another year goes by you're like next year I'm gonna fall madly in love and my life is gonna start then another year goes by and you're like next year I'm gonna get two towels and my life is gonna start and then you turn 30 and you're like it started this is my life like waiting for the bus to come you're already on the bus you're like wins the bus getting here and they're like you are on it you are on the bus near like why am i riding a bus [Music] there's activities that I want to do as much in my 30s like I went to a bar recently as my friend and we lasted like five minutes and got bored we're like you want to go yeah let's let's go and as we're walking our cars my friends like oh my god Erica we're getting older we're not fun anymore no no no that's not what's happening okay it's not that we're not fun anymore it's oh we're getting older and we're getting smarter and we're starting to realize it was never fun we just pretended this whole time somebody asked me the other day is that your real voice I was like no I got a voice lift very expensive procedure but worth it to annoy people for the rest of my life thank you I had an acting teacher once say if you don't fix your voice you're never gonna have a career and so far he's right your dreams get more attainable as you get older right that's something it's not like you don't have dreams anymore they just they just change a little bit you know like for instance when I used to say that when I make it I used to be like when I make it I'm gonna have a beautiful house in Malibu overlooking the ocean I pictured all glass windows you know I would wake up in the morning look at the ocean and now I'm like when I make it I'm gonna get a headboard for my bed I'm just gonna get one of those giant wooden head boards like a real grown-up bed thank you just changes you know although the other day I have to say the other day I was like you know what I think maybe I made it because I woke up in the morning and I was like I don't have any kids to take care of I also don't have a husband to talk to or a boyfriend to fight with or a dog to walk or a backyard to mow I don't have a pool to clean or a mortgage to pay or a credit card to use to pay the mortgage I don't have a real job to go to I don't have a dishwasher to turn on or a microwave to turn on or a Brita filter to change I was like I am completely free to go back to bed and I did and I think that's winning now yeah I think that's winning can tell you all have houses guys are like yeah it's a pain you don't want one you do not want one I do do a little bit of acting or as my mom says I'm trying to be an actress in of mine he's like no mom I'm not I'm not trying to be an actress I am an actress okay I'm trying to get you to send me money but I had an audition recently to play a Swedish secretary big part you know so they're like a lot of blondes like you ladies in the waiting room and I overheard this Japanese guys say they all look the same and I was like dude that's racist and he goes blonde isn't a race see this is where the dumb blonde stereotype comes from and I was like hold on a second I thought all Japanese guys love blonde girls and he goes I'm Filipino I was like you're such an idiot I didn't even ask for your name [Music] that joke has never done better than I was the best that's ever done maybe cuz there's a lot of blondes here tonight you guys were late my mom is proud of me though she was like honey I'm just so relieved you were never involved with Harvey Weinstein she's like I know you weren't cuz I told your father if she had been she'd be a lot more successful and she was like Eric I just had this revelation you and grandma are very similar because you're in a male-dominated profession with stand-up comedy and grandma was in a male-dominated profession with aeronautical engineering I was like you were pretty much the same person except one of us was very good at math and the other owns one towel besides that were both killing it just killing it it was a weird year for men right weird year for men not a great year to be a creepy male comic so it wasn't a great year to be a male comic so it wasn't a great year to be a male what I found the most surprising about the whole movement was how surprised we were by men being gross like that's one of the first things I learned as it as a child my mom was like eat your broccoli men are gross and then suddenly this year we all woke up and every morning it was like did you hear did you hear another man was gross again and I'm like I thought we knew that and then another day goes by and you're like did you hear another one another one was gross I'm like I'm not I'm not shocked I thought we knew this already the men are like yeah we know we know I don't think that all men are bad or anything I just think that maybe they're slow learners right we just need to give them a little time to catch up and if they're over like 80 just let them die a creep you know give them those last couple years you don't need to teach an 8-year old man why it's demeaning to call a woman sweetheart you know he's only got a little time left guys really was that political we don't know we're confused I've been traveling a lot which is it's good to get out of LA you know it's nice he's like I got out and I stayed out it's it's you know it's a weird place la um anytime you can get out and just remember what real people are like that's that's comforting and I don't I don't always get a lot of time in places but I do meet a lot of lyft drivers you know cuz I take a lot of lists and you can tell a lie about a place just by the lyft drivers you know so I was in Minnesota recently and they are so nice they're my lyft driver was such a sweetheart she was like oh my gosh you're a comic oh wow that's so brave I could never be a comic your mother must be so proud of you and I was like thank you and then I get back to LA and my driver is like oh you're a comic yeah me too yeah I'm also an actress slash producer slash massage therapist slash blogger slash vlogger slash marine biologists I don't really need this job I'm just doing it to study people it's like maybe you should study the art of silence then I was in New York I Love New York if you guys been to the to New York recently er yeah it's it's great because what I love about New York is that people just stare at each other you know like there's like a lot of eye contact you guys are doing great with eye contact right now and I miss eye contact cuz in LA everybody's on their phones or in their cars and nobody like looks at each other you know and in New York there's this beautiful moment on the subway when everybody loses cellphone reception you know and you just sort of pick a partner sitting across from you and you just stare at that person for like 15 stops until someone gets off the train and it's it's just this magical moment and I went to this little pizza place in the West Village and the other thing I love about New York is everything so small you know so like if you touch shoulders with somebody nobody like pulls away you're just like oh I guess we're cuddling now you know it's just it's just like you know you just feel like you're part of something so I went to this pizza place and I sat down and there are only about four chairs total and there's only one empty seat and it was right in front of me and this guy just sat down in the empty seat in front of me and we just ate our pizza and total silence just staring into each other's eyes for like 15 minutes just looking at each other eating our pizza until we finished our Pete so then we both got up walked over to the trashcan threw away our paper plates walked our separate directions without ever saying a word and I was like that was the best date I've been on in ten years it's like nobody said anything stupid it lasted the perfect length of time and we never have to see each other again I was like that's love you know that's the kind of love I want I did go through a breakup a couple months ago which I thought was good because it meant it was a real relationship finally right usually I'm like it's over and he's like who's this I don't know I don't know this number I wish I wish we could bring breakups back from before the internet right it was it was easier we could just be like listen I'm sorry it didn't work out have a nice life go away right simple now it's like sorry it didn't work out I will see you online forever or visit messy breakup you could be like I'm gonna block your phone number and they'd be gone right one thing now it's like I'm gonna block your phone number then I'm gonna defriend you on facebook on follow you on twitter take you off my Instagram do whatever it is to get rid of the snapchat and get my mom to do the same thing [Music] there are so many clues he wasn't the right person for me I feel like there's usually clues right that we ignore for four to five years widen clue is we have very little in common except we both really loved him [Laughter] sounds crazy he actually said these words to me once he was like I love you more than you love me because I love myself so much you need to love yourself more so that you can love me more and I was like actually I think we both need to love you less because the more I love you the more I hate myself for loving a guy who loves himself so much another clue is I think your romance might be in trouble the second you start taking off your own clothes if you're not laughing you're worried you guys are like it's been 15 years since anyone did that this sounds crazy because in the beginning of a relationship it's it's so exciting like you're so attracted to each other right like you you can't stop touching each other you're you're ripping off clothes you're throwing each other up against walls consensually hopefully and then there's this gradual shift that happens right you don't see it coming it happens over time you find yourself politely taking off your shirt and folding it and putting it on your side of the bed you take off your shirt and fold it and put it on your side of the bed and then you get under the covers and you turn out the lights and you're like why are you googling Brita filters [Laughter] I thought you found one you like and he's like I found a coupon and you're like I I guess I'll sleep at my place and he's like well can you leave the garage door opener and you're like why and he's like well because the last time we broke up you had the garage door opener and I never got it back and you're like are we breaking up and he's like I don't know are we and you're like I don't know are we and he's like I don't know are we and then three years later you break up and still have his garage door opener thank you very much thank you glad I'm not the only one who have that exact conversation once we fought a lot that's another sign we thought about really dumb stuff like we fought once during the show catfish have you guys seen the show catfish yes okay well apparently I was talking during the important parts of catfish and if you've seen catfish and you think there are important parts in catfish you are part of the problem it's about people who pretend to be different people online and he's like don't you think you could learn something from this and I was like the only thing I'm learning is that you're not who I thought you were thank you ladies thanks she's like going through it right now man going through right now I feel you I feel you one of our fights was really really dumb even dumber than that like he was sort of competitive with me I think it's so important to find someone who lifts you up supports you you know and one one time just out of blue he goes you know you're not smarter than me and I was like it's actually smarter than I am [Laughter] and then he said well between you and I I finished college and you didn't and I was like it's actually between you and me and then he said you and I are done and I was like you got that one right [Music] [Applause] you guys were so smart you saw that coming you know exactly what the grammar was some people don't know the correct grammar but this is to tell you're in a college town you know educated bunch in here I should have known he wasn't right for me but when my mom liked him that was probably the final straw you know she's just so desperate at this point you know like she she's so sick of having conversations where we have nothing to talk about like you know cuz I don't have a boyfriend or as I said anything except a toaster and so the conversations are all just like so how's how's your car doing still driving it you know still has four wheels how's your apartment still live there yep so she just wants something else to talk about you know and now I think she's just really like hoping I might be gay she's like holding out for that cuz any time I post a photo with a girl she's she emails me and she's like Dana looks nice are you gonna bring Dan you know home for Christmas can't wait to meet her I'm like I'm not gay yet you know give me give me one more year one more year to try this another guy dated I called her about eyes like I'm seeing a new guy he doesn't have a job right now there is a slight chance he's a drug addict small possibility he's also homeless because he's been staying with me for about four days doesn't look like he's making much progress and leaving anytime soon and she just goes but he likes you I was like mom what happened to know your worth honey she always said no you're worse and she was like that was when you were younger you are worth a lot more back then I hate it from going on a date or slang and someone goes Erica just have fun and be yourself because for me it's one or the other like I can't do both like I'll never be the girl you know post this photo on Instagram like this fancy yoga pose like on top of a mountain with the Sun setting and the caption living the dream I'm where the girl who posts a selfie from bed with the caption can't get up I want to do non motivational quotes on Instagram which should go something like just don't or there doesn't have to be another day [Laughter] or you can always live the life you imagined if you have a really bad imagination my friend want to get lunch the other day but she's like I'm vegan now huh here we go that whole thing I was like do you want to go to Cafe Gratitude the vegan restaurant and she's like well I'm also gluten-free so can we go to the juice bar and I was like how about we just never speak again move on with our lives [Applause] and she's like do you want to go out on a boat sometime like she had a friend with a boat and I was like you've been on a boat before right is that something we have to do twice in this lifetime cuz I don't think about the boat anymore I think about all the steps that lead up to the boat you know like I have to put my bathing suit on then I have to figure out who else is gonna be on the boat and can I wear my bathing suit in front of the people on the boat then I feel a research project on the people are gonna be on the boat to determine if I can wear my bathing suit in front of them then I have to get to the boat I'll probably get lost getting there because I'll take ways and ways it's gonna be like try making this left turn sucker then I'll get on the boat not really want to be on the boat everyone also probably not really want to be on the boat either but they'll be Instagram snapchat storing that they're on the boat cuz they want other people who aren't on the boat to wish that they were on the boat so what I'd rather do honestly is just stay home put my bathing suit on get in the bathtub put on my heart will go on from Titanic take a selfie posted on Instagram and label it living the real dream [Applause] Tagg just jump I hate the expression it is what it is you know you're having a bad day like I got a flat tire my boyfriend broke up with me and your friends like well it is what it is I'm like no it isn't it isn't what it is it just is right you shouldn't have to repeat it is what it is you should just be able to say it is unless maybe you say it is and someone goes what then you can repeat it is [Applause] the same friend got a tattoo recently she is so proud of it she's like Eric I just got a new tattoo of a hummingbird do you know what hummingbirds represent and I was like no but I bet you're gonna tell me she's like they represent change I was like interesting you know it doesn't usually represent change tattoos not a big symbol of change I do feel like getting a tattoo is a little like having kids because it seems really cool when other people get them but then you get one and you're like shoot I have this forever now it's not gonna be cute in ten years I definitely thought I'd be married by now is like in my 30s of course I'll be married I'll have kids I'll do all the things right but now I'm starting to look at the bright side I feel like if you're in your 30s and you're not married and you don't have kids it's a little like breaking even in a casino like you didn't win but you didn't not win right you didn't totally mess up your life but you also don't really have one my sister has two very cute kids she has a five year old and a three year old and the five world her name's Annabel and recently my sisters like I just want you to get married well Annabel would still make a cute flower girl and I was like I just want to get married before Annabel gets married that's my goal I went to a dermatologist recently and he he was like trying to sell me Botox he was like go like this and I wouldn't like dose and he's like yep you got those lines and he's like smile and I was like he's like yep you got those lines I like what if I just don't make those faces you know just like stand really still and then he's a cowled are you and I was like I'm 30 and and he's like do you have a boyfriend I was like no not right now and he's like well have you thought about freezing your eggs I was like first you want me to freeze my face now you want me to freeze my eggs I was like the only thing I wish I froze was my self-esteem from before this appointment my parents have married a long time they've been married for 41 years yeah 41 years has anyone been married that long here really how 40 years 42 you said almost your cap are you counting backwards you're 40 Wow what's the secret to a happy marriage any ideas I'll second that I'll second that Maya my theory about happy marriages is that I think they last the longest when the men almost never speak because they usually say the wrong thing you know it's usually not right and I feel like I feel like if they don't speak we'll just assume they're thinking the right thing you know we'll just assume so my parents have married a long time and I think it's because partially because my dad almost never talks and my mom does all the talking and part of it is I think my dad just can't leave my mom because he's in a wheelchair I mean he loves her but where is he going realistically right where is he gonna go didn't see that coming I know you guys are like do we laugh at that we're not sure we don't know he yeah he's that he he likes jokes about him so you're fine too laughs Elena he has an Massey now it's a neurological disease and found out they had an MS Walk I thought it was quite disrespectful so I went on it you know to find out what all the fuss is about just thousands of people showing off what they can do just so rude my dad doesn't like that joke but I was like sorry dad but when I have an idea I run with it like some people I know you're just gonna have to roll with that [Music] [Applause] I love you guys clapping at wheelchair jokes this is this is my crowd this is my crowd I do think it's important to still laugh at uncomfortable topics you know like I have a friend who has two hook hands and exactly you can laugh at that it's not because you hate people with hook hands you're just like we didn't think you were gonna say hook hands right that wasn't the next word you predicted me to say and the same thing happened when I first met him he shook out his hook and I didn't expect to see a hook so caught me off-guard you know and I didn't know what to do in that moment I didn't know whether to address it not address it hang my jacket on it I didn't know I was like I've never been in this situation before so I just sort of panicked you know decided to pretend everything was normal you know just shook the hook said nice to meet you and walked away and then I had a friend who was a comic on the same show and he got the hook and when he got the hook he was like and I was like that was the right reaction that's how I wish I had reacted so immediately the guy just looked so at peace like thank goodness somebody's actually acknowledging the reality in front of him you know so we're all so afraid all the time these were all messed up we all have something right like who's got nothing wrong with them exactly we're all we're all messed up in some way III get to press sometimes I actually just went off my antidepressants which is thank you it's good I'm starting to feel again you know and I thought I would get like a natural remedy for depression so I went to the herbalist you know the woman in Whole Foods who wears the badge and I told her I was like I just went off my antidepressants and she goes good for you good for you I was like thank you and she's like do you want to try some CBD oil it's supposed to be good for depression and I was like you know honestly I don't think I need it now I think all I needed was someone to say good for you and now I feel great so now anytime I feel down I just go to aisle three I talked to Susan and get some self-esteem then I started realize that people say the exact same thing when you go on antidepressants is when you go off them so when you go on them people are like cliff for you for really taking care of your mental health good for you and then you go off them and people are like good for you for being so brave to do this on your own good for you so what I realize is people just don't care they don't care what you're doing I was actually sober for 15 years then I turned 16 I tried you know I tried my friend just got sober and now she thinks everybody's an addict like she just keeps seeing addicts everywhere she's like do you think maybe Rex was an addict because his behavior was very erratic and I was like no you know maybe a narcissist but not an addict and then she's like well do you think maybe you're an addict cuz you kept going back to the relationship that I was like you know some people are just dumb like some people don't need any outside help to make really bad decisions why don't i date recently with a guy who tried to seduce me with adderall that was interesting he's like you want to go back to my place to do some adderall and I was like okay sure it's good for learning right so he went back to his place we did the adderall and I think what we learned from this experience is that adderall is not ecstasy does not have the same effects I wasn't at all turned on instead I was just very very focused on finding ecstasy it's like now I need it sometimes I get so depressed I just want to lie in bed all day you know guys ever feel like that you're just I just wanna lie in bed all day but then I'm like but is it lying in bed there's a land bed right cuz like a chicken lays an egg but sleeping dogs lie so do chickens lay and dogs lie and I'm like okay it's definitely time to get up but you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition so then I'm like I might as well just stay in bed but as it might as well or as it may as well [Laughter] I think what I'm trying to say is I'm really good lay or is that just a really big lie it is what it is all in there thanks you guys [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,045,114

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Erica Rhodes, Erica Rhodes Dry Bar Comedy, Erica Rhodes Comedy, Erica Rhodes Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, 20's, 30's, age, getting older, growing up, gen z, it is what it is, dbc, stand up

Id: j9rH2-dZ0eM

Length: 39min 9sec (2349 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 18 2020