What Millennials Do after Graduation. Michael Palascak - Full Special

dad i don't even want to be a rapper hello i love doing stand-up i started when i was in college but i didn't really want to tell anybody yeah and i remember his graduation got closer people would always ask you know like michael what are you going to do after you graduate what are you going to do after graduation who are you going to do i'd just be like well i'm pretty sure my parents are taking me out to eat [Applause] after that i have no idea so that's what happened in college people expect when you go for something else to happen like i remember when my dad and i were on campus before school started he's like michael just looked around he's like if you work really hard in 10 years people could be calling you dr michael dad i don't even want to be a rapper it seems kind of difficult to rhyme all the time i just did it but that was by accident i can't i try to read books now that i didn't read in college you know you just to keep it going like right now i'm reading this book 1984. yeah yeah yeah man things were a lot different back then [Applause] people complain about now it's gotten better for sure that's that was the road i was an english major when i was in college and it being an english major doesn't like make you a comedian but it does make you less hirable [Laughter] so your schedule really opens up for you to pursue your dreams you know i'm not distracted by salary or benefits unstoppable the farthest i got in a job interview process was with a pyramid scheme company 100 sure in the interview i realized like halfway through the interview they were just like michael if we hire you in 10 to 12 months you could be owning and running your own company does that scare you no but it should scare you i was an english major the only thing i know about capitalism is if i see a period the next letter should be bigger so when i was in college my parents relocated to chicago and i found them and that's where i lived in the beginning of my career and i liked it it was great my parents had an awesome washer and dryer top of the line technology here's how it worked i put my clothes in the washer and they came out and folded on my bed sometimes until my mom heard that joke i realized though like after college a lot of people they might feel bad living at home or they feel bad asking their parents for money i i did not the only time i felt bad asking my parents for money is if they're already asleep [Applause] wake up mom and dad i ordered pizza for you guys michael it's 11 30. okay i'll eat it i need 65 i have some other expenses my mom was worried like she'd be like michael you don't have a job okay okay why don't you just work at mcdonald's uh hey because i don't want to lose my eligibility for their monopoly game that's possibly a million dollars versus definitely minimum wage you do the math seriously you do i don't know how to do that enough i didn't take statistics she would just worry one time she's like michael you can't live at home with your parents forever whoa okay i don't even want to think about you guys dying i need you alive to stay on your insurance i'm pretty sure i have allergies that's genetic that's you guys you can you can make payments on those shots chicago was cool i grew up in a small town but then we lived there i used to get parking tickets in that city and the cool thing about chicago parking tickets is on the ticket it'll list all the different kind of parking tickets you can get and how much they all cost so you can compare and you learn stuff like i learned it's 50 cheaper sometimes to park on the sidewalk [Applause] i didn't even know that was an available space to be honest how do they figure out that pricing systems like you park in front of a fire hydrant is dangerous one hundred dollars you park on the sidewalk hilarious fifty dollars chicago bill murray's from here we value comedy 50 discounts when i graduated i had a girlfriend who was still in college and then she graduated and she got a job teaching in st martin in the caribbean and we were long distance and it was hard one time she was like michael i just don't understand why you want to move to the caribbean it's kind of hard to be like oh because i don't know if my dad could find a job [Applause] there it's just hard he's older how's he gonna he's an accountant not a pirate first of all that's not gonna be like yo ho ho where are your w-2 i went down to visit for her birthday and it was very fun but like this is a different like in the ocean you know i grew up in indiana there's very few oceans and uh and like we were in and she was like michael did this thing down here where they take you out in the water and then they throw meat around you and then the sharks come and eat it and then you're swimming with the sharks no yeah if you want to break up you can just tell me she explained it she's like no michael the sharks down here no not to eat humans you know like we don't eat them they don't eat us oh oh okay i don't know if i trust a shark's discretion i'm a human and i've accidentally been my own finger trying to chicken wings too fast so so we broke up and it's okay though breaking up is okay you know you get sad but it's kind of an emotional rollercoaster right like every little thing is like like on the way up like you start to feel coming at the very top right before it happens she just sits you down she's like hey uh i i liked you and then i hung out with you and now i don't so yeah it's not you it's being around you we're broken up and then it's just like the deep dive it was like and then every curve is like crying by myself hanging out with friends so you don't cry by yourself spending too much time alone so you go to a board game night at a local library and realize it's just for kids so you pretend to be a volunteer and you lose to a seven-year-old at the game of [Music] [Applause] life it's a good ride that's what i'm saying and it only always leads to something you like you meet somebody new like i met the love of my life her name's sam she's great we've been together five years i remember we we first started dating a couple months she was like michael if we're still together at thanksgiving will you come have thanksgiving dinner with my family okay you don't have to say if we're still together i'm not just gonna show up regardless who would do that it's like ding dong happy thanksgiving hi everybody yeah grandma hi oh yeah i know we're not together anymore but uh i was invited [Laughter] these are my plans i take evites very seriously i think i knew that she was she was like the one for me because just how i felt around her i remember the first time i ever said something really nice we were hanging out and i was like hey i feel really lucky to be with you and she said she said did someone just do a really cool skateboard move i was thinking like is that how she'd be as a mother or something be like i love you mommy she'd just be like yeah boy you love your mommy m to the o to the m m dab she's funny she just reacts in the moment it's be like i remember the first time uh like i love her i remember the first time i told her i loved her i regretted it uh it was too soon i might i was like i love you she was like you do no i like you strongly i think she reacted that way because she thought that meant that i was like in love with her which is a commitment that means that you want to talk with unfold with that person a lot i just felt happy around her like i fell around her how i do around cake that's all which that's the benefit of food over people because you can tell food how you feel never gonna block you on instagram ever never gonna do that right you'll never see a mcdonald's commercial where the guy's like i'm loving it and all of a sudden ronald mcdonald busted from the back [Laughter] oh no oh love love okay well we have other customers [Applause] like billions billions [Music] i like food i like dessert a lot one time i was at a restaurant and i wanted to order dessert and the server dropped the chuck off without even bringing up dessert as an option which is kind of you know hard to have to be like oh excuse me sir yeah um i ate all my vegetables i'm pretty sure i get a cookie but i don't i don't know how you were raised but i want that cookie i enjoy things that i enjoyed as a kid like i still own a ninja turtle t-shirt it's pretty cool yeah it says turtle power it's from hot topic and i was wearing it one time in a mall there's an older lady working at the register of the macy's and she saw my shirt and her eyes just lit up she's just like oh turtle power i like that slow and steady wins the race no she's old school turtle power that's original turtle power you down with otp yeah you know me i like it that she thinks i have a t-shirt that represents my favorite fable as if i was reading a fable and i'm like oh i need to get that screen printed i need four tortoises on my shirt two of one of them needs to have two swords just in case the hair wins [Applause] tortoise in the hair slow and steady wins the race or katana blades followed by nunchucks i like to do fun stuff like i was on the road one time and uh they let us work out this gym for free it was a lifetime fitness which is awesome because lifetime fitness is of indoor water slides which is like my favorite workout it's like a stairmaster with a surprise at the top you know i was like oh this is so hard i hate this oh i can't i said what yeah i'm a bobsledder yeah so i was excited to work out but i found out they have a rule that if no one else is using the water slide you have to get a lifeguard go up the top before you go down and i thought about it you don't want to break that rule right get a ban from a lifetime fitness for a lifetime that'd be horrible get married move to a town with a lifetime fitness she's just like oh we should get a couple's membership and you have to be like you you don't know everything about me [Applause] what what i don't like to talk about okay i'll talk about it one day i participated in unsupervised fun and there is not a day that goes by that i don't regret not getting supervision [Applause] [Laughter] so i wanted to follow the rules it's just it's just kind of awkward as an adult man to go up to another adult man and just be like hey um can you come watch me go down the waterslide just make sure i don't hurt myself but i did you know i asked him and it was fun and i was in the water and i was getting ready to go do it again and i looked up at the top and he had already come down the stairs i thought it was awkward to go up to him the first time it is more awkward to have to go up to him again and just be like hey i'm gonna try to go faster so if you can go up there again give me a little push i would be grateful for a lifetime i learn things when i try i learned this recently i learned that the lady at the hotel front desk really late at night isn't like their best employee like i was checking in one time it was 1am i was like hey my name is michael palsack i'm here to check in she typed it in she's just like you already checked in okay i don't remember like this is a much bigger deal for me if i'm wrong like if she's wrong she types something if i'm wrong that means i checked in and went to my room and then left my room and then probably came around to the front door and then just forgot everything that just happened walked up to her again it was like i'm here to check in that's a i might have to go to a doctor if that doesn't help eventually she was like all right all right i'll figure this out and then she just left the building i didn't know if i was supposed to cover for her i could you know someone comes in they're like i'm here to check in i'm like you probably already checked it [Applause] next killing it at this new position she finally came it came back in a couple minutes later and she was just like someone's definitely in your room i looked in the window [Applause] oh yeah that's much easier than than believing me is that how you were trained to solve this problem she finally gave me my own room and she gave me the key she's like do you want to wake up call i think i'm gonna sleep this one off i like when strangers do nice things for no reason like i was at the deli at the grocery store one time and uh and the lady at first she was kind of gruff you know she was like what do you want oh god just for you to be happy i think i think i want a different number now but she warmed up to me i know that because after she gave me what i ordered she leaned over the counter she's just like hey do you want this piece of cheese no otherwise i wouldn't order jeans in peace form but she had it out there like it was her gift i wanted her to feel good so i took it but i didn't want to eat it and grocery stores don't have garbage cans and at that time i didn't think about how awesome it would be to go up to a stranger and just be like high five now it's yours [Laughter] so i just had this cheese in my hand and i needed my hand back i just took that cheese and i put it in my pocket every person that walked past i was thinking they don't know there's cheese in my pocket they'd be really freaked out right now if i was just hey look at this free chase that'd be a bad time to be accused of shoplifting for sure sir empty your pockets oh you don't you don't really need to sir really really a piece of cheese a piece of chip it was a gift [Music] [Applause] i'm glad you guys get that store like depending upon where you're from you might not understand that story as well like if you're from wisconsin you might just be like where else would you put those cheese that's pocket aged cheddar we sell that here in stores the only time i don't have cheese in my pockets is if they're already full of brats summerfest 2019 too many brats in my pockets had to get a separate bra pocket it's a fanny pack i grew up in the midwest i grew up it was weird growing up in the midwest my mom i was from a small town but my mom's from chicago so she had like big city worries like i felt like all of middle school she thought i was going to join a gang you know anytime i wore my hat backwards i felt she'd be like michael i'm just really worried you're going to join a gang i just want to be like mom we live in rural indiana okay the closest thing we have to a gang is the future farmers of america and they are very hardcore you know always walking around like f stay off our turf we're trying to grow corn [Applause] [Music] your food's no longer organic [Applause] my first job ever i worked when i was in high school i worked at my first job i worked at a graveyard as a graveyard weed whacker to be specific that's not what i wanted to tell people though right away michael what do you do i do yard work for really old people people that can't go out there and do it on their own [Music] high school jobs are supposed to be cool you're supposed to give your friends free things like all my friends work to fast food places where what am i supposed to do you know come home from work hey mom home from the graveyard i got you some flowers [Applause] they say mom [Laughter] my friends i grew up with they they like when they finished college they got married started on kids right away which was like a different different path like we were all hanging out one time like two couples and then me also the one couple was like we're having a baby and everyone was excited and then the wife was like yeah and we weren't even trying oh i don't need to know that part once you think i'm sitting there is it like oh i wonder what the effort level was my evening journal entry will not be complete on a scale of one to ten oh i feel like it would be rude to ask though how hard i hope she blurts it out i don't know how to respond to that like we're having a baby oh congratulations and we weren't even trying way to go slackers we're gonna be honest they were kind of trying like a little bit a little bit they were trying whether they they were like a little like when i go to bed by myself at night that's not a try you don't hear me bringing that up during dinner it's gonna be weird like michael what's going on with you last night i wasn't even trying yeah oh what does that mean i got a lot of sleep [Applause] i don't get a lot of sleep now though because i have i became a dad 10 months ago sam and i we had a baby yeah his name's jack jack pal sack he's great i remember when we found out they were like we had the baby like all right he's gonna eat every two hours oh i didn't know he was a workout baby is he doing crossfit in there hey man get in your stroller or throw your stroller that's fine now it was hard getting sleep especially in the beginning i felt like the first couple months was just like me holding them looking at him like hey man you wanna go to sleep hey man you wanna blink for a longer period of time hold your eyes closed for a little bit i'll put you down walk away and then i'm clear that's fine and then finally he'd go to sleep like okay we can we can finally go we can go to sleep now and then we look at him like oh oh no he's not really moving is he supposed to be that still i don't know his lungs aren't that big how did you look in the hospital honestly i didn't check i figured if something happened we could just return them at the hospital i think please be alive please just move let's just move uh okay just i'm not gonna put my fingerprints on a possibly not alive yeah you would want me to do that wouldn't you wouldn't you csi would come in here be like yeah he was perfectly fine to this fingerprint right here on that little onesie right there and please be alive please okay i'll touch it okay yeah he's alive and awake now please go to sleep i think it's scary because we went to go buy a bassinet and on the bassinet there's a big caution sign right there it's not removable it's big orange black like caution do not put any pillows or blankets or stuffed animals in the crib because the baby may suffocate and that's scary as a parent but it has to affect the baby you know they have to feel that on some level i think there's going to be a whole generation of adults they're just like i'm going to sleep on top of those sheets actually this is kind of it's kind of soft you know i'm going to sleep on the wood floor get a good start to my day i love i love being a dad because i now i relate better to parents because i remember when my older brother became a dad i couldn't like i would just ask them questions they're stupid to ask new parents like i'd be like hey hey patrick have you seen this movie this new and his eyes would just kind of glaze over and i've been a movie theater in 16 months that's a specific amount of time i used to think that parents said their children's age in months because they love their child so much like every month was like more love on top of more love on top of more love until like at the tower of love now i'm thinking they just want you know exactly how long they've been suffering [Applause] like if it was socially acceptable they would tell like 16 months four weeks that's actually 17 months i haven't slept a lot lately three days two hours since i've had feelings that mattered i would always try to be positive i like patrick maybe you can see it when it comes out on netflix or i can't afford netflix i'm kidding call okay you can use my password okay i mean you can use dad's password he doesn't even really use it that much since i changed it [Laughter] like oh did you watch the game on sunday pat is the game peppa pig i always wanted to hear about a cartoon you know you want to know what peppa pig is michael it's an animated show about a british family of pigs where all the characters have both eyes on one side of their face [Music] and no one says a word about it and the entire series it's never explained i think it teaches kids to love one another no matter how many eyes are on one side of their face you ever want to make a horror movie version out of peppa pig just have the monster attack from the left peppa pig there's gonna be some bacon [Applause] [Music] local man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now the bank should be going mom mom [Music]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 774,667

Rating: 4.8592901 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Michael Palascak, Michael Palascak Dry Bar Comedy, Michael Palascak Comedy, Michael Palascak Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Graduation, millennials, english major, finding a job, waterslide, gym, dbc

Id: 6WXAChyZSAc

Length: 30min 14sec (1814 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 03 2021