Child Discipline Isn't What It Used To Be. Fred Klett - Full Special

we got so scared and psyched out we spanked ourselves but my dad would spank that was the ultimate punishment he would spank I truly wish with my whole heart I had grown up in a world like today where parents use timeout I I would have loved timeout that's how parents get tough with their kids today you know what mister you pushed me to the edge I'm not taking any more time that's right you push Johnny's head into the brick wall and got blood everywhere [Applause] you're not getting away with that mm-hmm that's right mister you can just grab your cell phone computer games and head to your room I would have loved timeout if I had timeout I would have started on my day by just walking up to my brothers yeah why don't you touch me now I'll take the timeout but my dad would spank not only would he spank he would send us to his bedroom where you had to wait to be spanked spanking in him by itself is bad enough but to have to wait to be spanked look at me side section we had to wait to be spanked you had time to look at every belt he owned it was like each belt was talking I hope he picks me one time my dad sent my brother Kyle and I to his bedroom at the same time to wait to be spanked it's bad enough when you're by yourself but when you're with another brother and you can see the pain and fear in his eyes and he's saying stupid stuff like this is gonna hurt isn't it yeah it's gonna hurt shut up we got so scared and psyched out we spanked ourselves we just went walking right by our dad where are you going we already took care of it but when you have that many kids you have to be good at discipline my dad was he was a genius at discipline let me give you an example at one time when there were only seven of us we lived in a small house we had one bedroom for all those kids we had three bunk beds in that bedroom the youngest child rotated so when our parents would send us to bed at night they did not expect immediate quiet you know you'd be in your bed someone would start talking you talk back pretty soon everyone's talking you're in your bed talking someone might touch you you go to touch them back except it's dark you get the wrong guy know everyone's touching everyone then you're in your bed thinking wait a minute someone touched me I bet you there's someone out there in the dark right now doing the almost touch and your gamble [Laughter] so what I've been talking touching it in as and ankles on you get creative you come up with ideas say I wonder if I could jump from the top of this bunk in the dark to the top of that bunk and you try it and you make it and then you tell your youngest brother sure I think you can make it too and he hits hard but the point is there's a lot of commotion talking touching and jumping my dad didn't handle it like a lot of other parents he didn't yell out idle threats like you better stop don't make me come down there I'll give you one more chance he didn't do that here's on my dad handled it we'd be talking touching jumping suddenly the bedroom light would be on and he was just there we did not know how he got there when that bedroom light came on all he saw was seven heads pop up we look like a bunch of prairie dogs looking for an eagle we're all looking at him thinking things like why doesn't he make noise why do we have a ninja dad and he'd make eye contact with each and every one of us and when he made eye contact you would just look down I remember looking down and thinking oh please don't pick me to kill he did this one by one toe we were all looking down the next thing we know our bedroom light is out except now we're all thinking I'm pretty sure he's still in here you wanna Sun came up that's a position you were in I got a I gotta ask you this we're first before we talk about anything else you ever have one of those moments where you realize how other people see you I had this happen in an airport I had a connecting flight I had been up since 3:30 in the morning so I'm dead tired dead tired walking on a middle of the airport terminal dead tired head down debt and care head down didn't care and that beep beep cart was behind me you know that beep beep beep beep beep cart you know that cart that transports people to their gate when they get there they can magically walk that cars behind me beep beep beep beep I thought you know what you'll get there when I'm good and ready for you to get there finally we reached the point where the car could pass me and as the Kart fasted me an elderly lady on the card says you would think with those ears that he could hear us [Applause] why are you groaning I don't get that that makes no sense at all not before before we keep going could you do me a favor would you just unfold your arms that's negative body language and I don't like it just did you hear yeah you should have done that without me looking over there no it's just that's a hard lap position that's just not a good lap position and no I I have to tell you this I came straight here from Miami I had a direct flight from Miami I just had I just got off a cruise ship well maybe not a direct flight I don't think that's possible to Provo is it can you get a direct flight because you got an airport I saw that I flew into the wrong Airport I flew into Salt Lake City and apparently I could have flown right into Provo is that is that possible can you find have you do you know you have an airport but no I just I got to tell you it's just nice to be here get got off a cruise ship and now I'm here and it's just like people are you're dressed like there could be a blizzard and you're gonna survive and then I've been watching you from up there and some of you you don't even take your coats off you just you this has been what pushing two hours and you leave that thing on I'm I'm if I had to guess I would guess you work at the post office that's what I would guess cuz you got you left your jacket on and you got a little nervous twitch going on take it off [Laughter] don't don't cover your mouth when you laugh just let the laugh out this is a comedy show if he tries to stop you leave it alone I mean it I mean that when I say I'm glad to be here you know what I'm gonna I'm marking you if you laugh I know I'm having a great show don't you can look away but when you look back I'll still be looking at ya you just sit there with that stoic look on your face and that tonight look at me when I talk to you no I mean it I'm so happy to be here I had a you know people when you work on a cruise ship people come up to you oh you're lucky you get to work on cruise ships however for what I do that's not true all the time this cruise that I was working on there was mostly Germans in the audience Germans in the audience and as we all know the Germans are a jovial group this is my impression of a German got laughing and they weren't really laughing I finally looked at a guy and said why are you laughing he said ich first and it does Niek after the show I found the International hostess and asked her what does ich forced on did that sneak mean she said I do not understand I said ich first I already forgot that move up and I gotta tell you though just talk about travelling just for a little bit my wife and I we love Ireland we just we discovered Ireland on a cruise and then we went back just because we loved it so much the people are so friendly the country is just beautiful but it said Irish accent it gets us we absolutely love that Irish accent but every time it would get to be half past the hour Nancy would just go oh you're gonna do it again aren't you and I would go yes soon as it got to be half past the hour I will look for anyone I could find just to ask him what time it was what time is it at 7:30 [Laughter] how can you not love the turkey and it gave and it gave me ten minutes to play 731 732 733-6025 33 is simply responded with wall [Laughter] then they went on the topic to look for it I don't see nothing where is it and then you and then the British at normal conversation they make you feel good I told a British guy I got up at 8 a.m. he looked at me and said brilliant to which I responded scusi all right I got a you know what I gotta be careful because there's a black tape line here and they told me not to step over that and I don't know why but it's dangerous if I step over that just it's just it won't be good something went bad will happen and you'll be safe because you got your jacket on you know you'll be out of the building before everyone else you're a survivor is what you are look at you don't care about her you're just gonna take care of yourself oh yeah go ahead take your jacket off all right here's the bonding type question this should bring us all together does anyone does anyone here come from a family seriously you raise your hand usually people just laugh but you knew you came from a family I got eight brothers and one sister I grew up in a family of 10 kids anyone come from a larger family than that 10 yeah what do you got 14 how many brothers how many sisters take your time what 11 and 3 and then you count yourself that would be 15 did you did you hear the question this was 11 and 2 you got two brothers oh three sisters so you got 10 brothers then well would be 10 because you got 10 brothers 3 sisters that's 13 and then you is 14 unless you want to change your answer I'm glad I can help you out you know right now you've made this a show I'll never forget this is the first time you've figured out the brothers and sisters in your family it was profile like they're not good you're still trying to figure it out okay all right back me up on this large family large for a large family you have to adapt to survive everyone parents included my dad adapted he learned how to have fun with us he used to love taking us to the store you'd only say one thing spread out they can't watch all of us [Laughter] most kids most kids their favorite holiday is Christmas not when you're from a large family because it might not be your turn to get a present a year a large family your favorite holiday is Halloween because it is incentive based if you hustle you can stock up for the year Halloween comes around all you know is you're gonna run for as hard as you can as long as you can a lot of kids try to tell you Oh Halloween is at 10 p.m. wrong Halloween ends when people quit answering the door and most kids are just concerned about what they're gonna be for Halloween you ask a kid from a large family what are you gonna be I'm gonna be as fast as I can you're gonna wear a costume a costume would slow me down and you hate it when you get you that nice lady's also a nice lady that just wants to talk Halloween night she wants to have a conversation and what are you supposed to be I do not have time for this put the candy in the bag I had one brother he wouldn't even talk to people Halloween night they tried to talk to him we just look at him and go I've seen grown men just back away just throw Kenya and maybe he'll lose [Laughter] [Applause] we had a new guy move into the neighborhood one year he just looked at my brother and said ask Oozie and you know what you hate you you know actually what you love is the lazy guys house the lazy guy Halloween night the lazy the guy that puts a bowl full of candy on his front porch with the note please take one we don't only dump the bowl we took the bowl we took the note cuz you want to show other kids you've got to read this this is funny and we use pillowcases because you know those I mean that pillowcases you can't fill them up but it doesn't it's physically impossible we tried every year but you got the pillowcase and then you see the kid with the paper bag I'd love to help you pick up your candy [Laughter] but you know what you grew up in a large family you're more creative you learn how to have fun or other kids don't because you don't have as many toys and stuff and that kind of inspires that creativity and we did we learned how to have fun where other kids didn't give you this example we love Church when we were growing up loved it church we loved Church absolutely loved it Church loved it Church only place we know that you could go to sit down and this really happens they pass a bowl full of money down your aisle we didn't even have to say trick-or-treat for one Sunday my dad looked and saw what we were doing he looked like a guy without a microphone [Music] it is it shout when you see your dad doing that you realize he's hope but she do it comes natural for a kid now I got a lot of younger brothers and the younger sister younger brothers and sisters they're not right there mentally off they think goofy their whole goal is to get you to snap and get you in trouble they will waste an entire day they will hurt their own body to get you to snap and get in trouble I had one younger brother in particular he was really good at getting under your skin no matter when you looked at him no matter when you looked at him all he would ever do is this they're not right there mentally off you ever have a younger brother or a sister just walk up and touch you they just want to touch you and you're thinking I can ignore that but after about an hour it starts to get to you and just when you're ready to snap they change weapons they go from the touch to the almost touch the almost touch is worse than the touch they just put it out there till you pick it up with your vision once you spot it you can't look at anything but then they come in for the almost touch and that's when you snap you try so hard not to but it's like your arm has a life of its own whack now my brother is crying I'm looking around for a stick hoping someone else hit him at the same time I don't want to go down for this by myself he goes running off to our dad yeah Fred hit me well what'd you do to him I didn't do nothing then my dad's from the other room Fred get in here why'd you hit him well he he almost touched me and as soon as you see you know you're in trouble not like your brothers standing behind my dad [Laughter] now everyone everyone would always ask my parents what was it like raising ten kids and they always said there was so many stories that they could choose from like one time I got together with all my brothers and we pooled our money and we ordered a monkey out of the back of a magazine okay apparently not that uncommon in Provo I will always remember the date August 22nd my dad was sitting on the front porch UPS truck pulled into the driveway driver got out with the small box walked up to my dad and said sir where's the monkey that you ordered my dad looked at my mom and said Joanne line him up but this story they said best epitomized what it was like raising ten kids was this one my dad was sitting at the kitchen table we had recently seen the movie Mary Poppins my dad is sitting at the kitchen table looking out the window he sees going by the window holding an umbrella my brother Jeff and he hit the ground hard my dad said if it had ended there he could understand but then I went by the window Terrell went by the window and then Kyle went by the window and he did not even have an umbrella my dad came outside and looked at all of us laying on the ground and he said now when you three saw your brother Jeff fail the umbrella did not work why did you still jump to which I replay what we did we didn't think he did it right and then you know how sometimes parents get sucked into kid logic too much because then my dad actually yelled at Kyle and you did not even have an umbrella - which Kyle snapback yeah like it helped out [Applause] you know I'm gonna walk over here I saw the what is it a costume shop and they got the John Wayne placard for the costumes it's given an exempt bright you guys see it because when I was a kid my favorite movies were westerns to this day there's still westerns but John Wayne was always number one I can watch a John Wayne movie a lot of times afterwards a lot of times afterwards I get psyched I find myself walking around like this you know I know and it feels good it's a powerful walk and then I started thinking about it John Wayne was lucky he's a big man because if you speed up his watch here's what you've got oh come here little horsie now you guys like me you like to eavesdrop I walk into a restaurant some people sitting at a table where would you like to sit I want to sit by them because it's fun especially eavesdropping on women they talk about good stuff fun stuff interesting stuff see guys are always the same well you know what play they should have called shut up you work at McDonald's you don't know women talk about good stuff you want to know what he did to me yes first when you yell out like that then they're gonna know you were eavesdropping but it you know it's it's it's funny you know from my eavesdropping I've come to the conclusion that we're starting to worry about way too many things in in our world some of the things we choose to worry about might not be quite as important as as we think and I'll give you this example I actually I heard this on a radio PETA the group not to bread PETA People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and we need that organization because if two squirrels should bump into each other one really should say scusi but Peter they had their spokesperson on a radio this lady she said they want to ban fishing she said fishing is cruel because fish have the same central nervous system as people so they feel pain like us she then went on to say how would you like it if you were walking down the street and your lip was impaled in you're yanked out of this environment into a different environment where you couldn't breathe and I started thinking well that would mean that you were a fish because people are way too smarter we should be and if we're not maybe it's better than we're gone as if you're walking down the street with your buddies and you see some food on a hook walk around it I think we should be a little bit suspicious anyway you follow the sudden out of the blue there's a sandwich bobbing in front of us we're worrying about way too many things sometimes we try so hard to worry we end up worrying the wrong way I overheard a couple guys talking about this 940 pound man first guy goes nine hundred and forty pounds that is too bad yes okay goes yeah he almost made it to a thousand and then I started thinking about the PETA lady if she was correct it really was something out there fishing for humans could you imagine their surprise if they caught that guy oh you know he would be mounted and hanging on a wall that there's your largemouth big bellied human I caught him on a turkey spinner you almost pulled me out of the spaceship we're worried about way too many extra things I was eavesdropping I overheard some people talking about zoos they said they don't like zoos because they're cruel to animals there's not enough space it's not their natural environment well you know what I disagree I like watching the wildlife shows you ever watch the wildlife shows you ever see a bunch of lions take down a zebra know people say Oh nature's beautiful shut up nature's ruthless its vicious it's not like Disney would have us believe the animals don't meet in the woods and sing and dance it's not a musical the zebras not standing there with a bunch of lions all over thinking gee it sure is nice to be contributing to the circle of life it's hard to watch the lion still hands grab the zebra by the throat the others bite in places that aren't nice to bite til it falls over then they hang out a stroll tell it suffocates meanwhile the other lions are looking at each other like you gonna wait no I'm gonna eat now you go interview that zebra and ask him how he feels about zoos cuz I think his answer might surprise you I think the zebras in the zoo if they could talk thank God I'm in the zone the Lions are right over there and they can't get to us and you know after a while the zebras in the zoo would start to get cocky you know what I think I can take them I tell you what the next time you get into the zoo to meet with the anti zoo person try throwing this I'll very seldom used in a zoo debate should be used more often because it's quite effective some people even say brilliant after the anti zoo person makes their point you just look him in the eye and simply say this the zebras in the zoo can take a nap you know I thought everyone would be with me at this point let me see if I can explain and bring more people in if you are a zebra and you can take a nap you are a successful zebra because if a zebra in Africa were to say hey I think I'll take a nap the other zebras okay we'll get you later all right I'm losing people alright let me just try this just use your imaginations go with me and I think you'll all be with me on the point I'm trying to make if I were a zebra in Africa and a zoo truck pulled up no actually if you're laughing in zoo truck you got the right idea cuz I got way too many other people looking at me like I've never seen a zoo truck if I were a zebra in Africa and a zoo truck pulled up I would both from the herd you don't need a tranquilizer gun don't even put the ramp down cuz I'm a truck because I'd like to get some sleep that's as far as I can go [Applause] but at least at least a zebra leaves an honest life though doesn't it it's an honest life it knows it has to run for its life every day compare the life of the zebra to the plate of the cow the cow does not know the cows born on the farm or farmer takes care of it there's a barn for shelter they feed it every day if it gets sick a vet comes out the Col walks around thinking everybody loves me then one day the farmer says who wants to go for a ride and a cow's thinking why not this is my impression of a galloping car [Applause] now to make it more lifelike for the people who aren't quite with me move you ever drive for a really long time you start to think goofy you see things in a twisted way ten straight hours I'm driving this livestock truck passes me I roll my window down and yell out job they're gonna kill you I swear one cow's head snapped up it had been a British cow whoa [Applause] all right this is my favorite subject actually I've been married for 35 years I'm very happy I asked my wife if I was happy she told me I am that's good enough for me when I got married I relationship changed immediately not gradually but immediately my wife started to share knowledge with me knowledge I had no idea she had before we got married tremendous amounts of knowledge she must have stored throughout the years waiting to share with their future husband not all at one time gets bits and pieces here and there on an ongoing basis and at one time I thought it would end now I know it never will but the thing is I never know what's gonna trigger her desire to share additional knowledge that is a tricky part that's a part that keeps us on our toes it could pop up at any time for any reason or absolutely no reason at all there are days when I'm gonna walk through a room and I see my wife oh I think I'll go the other way and really haven't memorized yesterday's lesson yet we've got a big midterm coming up and I'd like to do well I never know what's gonna trigger her desire to share additional knowledge one day I just opened our back door that's all I did simply open the back door look at me people just opened the back door perhaps slightly too long I don't know what the exact time parameter is I only know I must have went over because my wife or Alton yelled shut the door you just led 800 mosquitoes into the house now I had no idea that mosquitoes fly in swarms of 800 I would think that many in a swarm you'd see something come through the door I saw nothing but my wife with her keen eyesight and wealth of knowledge knew that 800 got into our house god bless her we could have been bitten to death that night I got married I no longer need the Discovery Channel I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that marriage can be good because you learn things that you never knew when you were single marriage can be good because you learn things that you never knew when you were single and you know what you see examples of that around us all the time I mean a cafeteria behind an elderly couple husband reaching for whole milk reaching for whole milk listen carefully reaching for whole milk men reach his wife states you do not drink whole milk he did not stop he did not turn to reply just feared off went straight to the skim milk I watched this and I thought how lucky that man was to have followed that woman how many years did he drink the wrong milk you learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single for instance now that I'm married I realized that I never would have survived had I stayed single if I hadn't gotten married when I did I probably would have been dead in a matter of months I'm being there when I was single I was wild I lived on the edge you would not believe some of the things I used to do for instance when I was single I used to wear my shoes in the house [Laughter] I'm not making that up I really did I did not know carpets are supposed to live thousands of years you learn things did you get married you never know when you were single for instance nothing I'm married I know that I breathe way too loud my wife not only told me I breathed her love she told me the exact distance from which people can hear me my oh I know what her knowledge is incredible you learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single for instance now that I'm married I know when it's time to leave a party [Laughter] I never used to know when I was single I would do really stupid things like stay until I quit having fun I never realized they she left hours ago simply because it was time what come here leaving a party man it's time pal and you should get married so you know to see sometimes sometimes when people start applauding other people are like now I don't want to move our arms you learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single for instance now that I'm married I realize that I never knew how to get dressed you ever get dressed up to go out with your wife you come out of the bedroom when she just looks at you and says no you go back now I will help you if it's a British husband whoa you're married long enough she doesn't have to say anything you come on that bedroom you see a certain look you just do a little you turn you learn things and you get married you never knew when you were single you see it around us all the time today in the hotel I'm staying at very nice hotel walking down the hallway behind what had to be a husband and wife he said I'm hungry she said no you're not he walked by me looked up at me as if to say guess I'm not hungry sure thought I was hungry sometimes I get a pain in my stomach like I'm hungry good thing I married her I could be eating right now and I'm not even hungry oh I hope I die first all right I'm gonna leave this one with you the reason I saved this one for last is one of my favorites also one of the more recent ones you learn things when you get married you never knew when you were single I told my wife I want us some shirts to perform in this is one of the shirts that she got and I just said I just told Nancy I don't want to wear a pink shirt she said it's not pink it's hibiscus [Music] you know what I think I miss school the day they covered that color don't ever remember asking another kid hey pass me that hibiscus crayon and then all my brothers saw me this shirt neuron making fun of me yeah he wearing a pink shirt except now I'm off with new knowledge it's not pink it's hibiscus and then all my brothers went [Music] and one by one is a got married they got hibiscus shirts but this is a beautiful part this is where I know you're with me honest after a show I had a couple come up to me the wife wanted her picture with me and my hibiscus shirt she started to take her shawl as a joke I said why don't I wear your shawl her husband immediately said no the Shah is salmon that would clash with the hibiscus [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,999,667

Rating: 4.8934665 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Fred Klett, Fred Klett Dry Bar Comedy, Fred Klett Comedy, Fred Klett Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Child Discipline, Time out, discipline, lots of kids, childhood stories, marry poppins

Id: 1OJPu27Bve0

Length: 41min 22sec (2482 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 31 2020