Wyoming Is Boring. Karen Rontowski - Full Special

I said have you been outside the Lord has never been here I was just in Wyoming if you guys get a chance to go to Wyoming be very careful driving I couldn't even see across the street because the air was so thick with boredom I stayed in a horrible hotel my dog jumped off the bed and rubbed his butt on the rug and all I could think was now I gotta wash his butt my god they had like five religious channels on the cable TV there I didn't I didn't know what they were so woman comes out reading off sins I thought they were things to do in town I was like wow the community update is very thorough on this channel and then I was in I was in Elko Nevada if you get a chance to go to Elko Nevada pass that up I'll tell you that's a crazy place I met a woman she said she moved there from Montana I said why she said the Lord sent me I said have you been outside the Lord has never been here you must be the scout and then I was in Reno Nevada berry exciting when I was in Reno the police went on the news they were looking for a woman who had stolen a baby out of the hospital and they described her as being over 400 pounds and wearing a hot pink stretch pant and immediately my heart went out to the pant and then I got thinking maybe she's a criminal genius 400 pounds and hot pink stretch pants who notice a baby [Laughter] [Applause] that's a smart lady man all criminals are not that smart I heard about this guy in LA got in a car accident hit a cop car and then fled on foot and got hit by a train I know I thought dude how bad are your observational skills you know even Stevie Wonder would have missed the Train and then I thought the funniest thing was you know after he hit that cop car he had to be thinking to himself man that's the worst thing that could have happened to me today Wow I stand corrected we're very hard on criminals in California we have the death penalty you guys have that do you yeah good you should it's a lot of fun no not at your house sir that's we have that and you know uh whenever I talk about the death penalty people always come up to me and they say well could you pull the lever and I always say yes but I don't think they'll give that job to a comedian I think they know a comedian have too much fun with us you know we'd be standing there going hey your hair looks great is that the governor side thanks for coming to the show this is what you got to do you got a laugh life it's too hard isn't it yes let me tell you all how bad my day was my kids were so bad in Walmart today I actually pulled a fly swatter off the shelf and I spanked them and just as the fly swatter hit their little butts I thought I don't have kids I don't have kids I'm single the other night I went out with a guy said he didn't like women who were fragile or vulnerable so I stabbed him I think he'll call again my boyfriend just broke up with me he said he wasn't feeling effusive about the relationship and I was like what a jerk making me look upwards I don't know what that means but it's hard meeting people I saw you guys coming in a lot of you look like you're here with the love of your life yes others compromise of your expectations it's all good all I know is I'm not a cougar I don't know what that's about I was out on a date with a young guy and in the middle of the day I had a hot flash and I was too embarrassed to tell him so I told you my head tuberculosis and I don't know what that is so I hope I'm gonna be alright and I don't know I think I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up marrying my dog yeah yes because he reminds me a lot of my ex because he's not pulling his weight financially and they're both afraid of the vacuum and I don't understand the internet dating that's just weird for some reason men send me inappropriate pictures have you had this happen and they're very casual hi I'm Phil and architect from Cincinnati thanks for taking the sexy out of tube socks for me Phil I'll never get that back and then other men email me and they say hey can you send me inappropriate pictures and I say sure meet Phil he's a heart attack he likes square dancing and long walks on the beach I don't know it's weird I don't even think I should be allowed on the internet the other day I was watching Netflix and that sign came up you know the one that says your credit card is about to expire so now I have to figure out how I'm gonna tell my neighbor her credit card is about to expire that's touchy and I can't spell I can't spell an autocorrect is not helping at all have you ever typed an email and then looked at the screen and the spelling was so bad you thought you might have had a stroke I joined al-qaeda no I made Jilly that's not even close my whole family is nuts I remember my aunt she used to make embroidered inspirational pillows yeah one day she smothered my uncle with one of her the last thing he saw coming Adam was today is the first day of the rest of your life she was me and she used to try to curse people she used to try to give him the evil eye but unfortunately she had a lazy eye so she just kind of spread it all over the road no one was really cursed everyone just had a little trouble parking and I have to apologize because I didn't know sometimes I say oh my god and the first cloud kind of didn't like it so I want to apologize I don't mean any disrespect it just comes out of my mouth very easily so if that happens just go oh she's nuts and on the way out it offends you I'll be there you can punch me lightly one punch for every time I said that there now that's out of the way and I won't swear anymore either I don't want to be arrested this side of the room likes the jokes a lot more this diorama this site is like a rester oh my god but this is what you do I said it they kept saying it comes right out of your mouth and I was like no it does not this is what you gotta do folks you gotta get out you gotta enjoy life you can't worry you certainly can't worry about money I know you all look up here you see the bright lights in my $2.00 goodwill dress and you say who is she to tell us not to worry about money when she looks like she's wrench and you guys would be surprised I'm not in fact I am $90,000 in debt and I don't have a care in the world cuz that's what you do you get so far in debt then it's visas problem not yours you know shame on them for giving me that credit in the first place I think someone should be fired and I haven't paid my credit card bills and over a year but they still send me one every month and you know why because those people believe in me that's right they think I'm gonna hit it big and pay them back in fact they care so much they even called me at home they did they said Karen could you send us just a little each month and I said no but don't worry I've already forgiven myself I won't let this affect my self-esteem and then my bank called told me I had insufficient funds I said I know thank God you gave me all those checks see cuz it's all in how you look at things folks you just gotta think positive you got to think outside the box for example I celebrate Halloween in August because when you show up at someone's house at night wearing a mask in August you get better stuff [Applause] see think outside the box you're driving home late at night afraid you're gonna fall asleep at the wheel drive on the wrong side of the road let the horns from the other cars keep you away people love to help do I don't let anybody be negative at all the other day my dentist told me my gums were receding I said no sir they're not my teeth are advancing but that's what you got to do you got to think positive you've got to do in life what makes you happy what do you do for a living my friend how you said that you should be proud being a mom is the hardest job there is and I was always encouraged to be a stay-at-home mom myself by my boss [Music] yeah I'm not good with kids I don't like anyone who doesn't know when they're gonna throw up in fact that childproof my house there are pills and sharp objects everywhere so parents never bring them back well good for you mom how about you my friend what do you do you're a dad not the same enthusiasm there I'm feeling do you have a job sir you don't know all right that's odd I was gonna get in and out of the bit but now I think I have to ask more questions let me help you out sir close your eyes pretend it's 9:00 a.m. on a Monday morning what do you see around you [Music] are there french fries on the floor is there anything I got what do you do you say huh is this bringing a homeless person given free night what happened how come I can't get an answer out of this guy seriously the pit moves faster when you get I'll ask this lovely woman uh do you know what he does you're his wife how is anyone can someone help him do you speak English is this I already know Oh what does he do for a living a QA I am so sorry I stopped to talk to you too I don't even know a QA would you like to buy a vowel what is that I gotta get out all quality assurance right you're number 12 and my t-shirts aren't you good for you what is your number I'll look for you know is it 12 I'll do it all right I'll call the company thank god this was inspected by number 12 last year I got a t-shirt from 11 good for you does it make you happy sir just say yes good for you see that's what you gotta do folks you got to do what makes you happy I remember when I was a little girl my dad he would give me advice he would say Karen happiness isn't getting what you want go away but all the different people in the world that's what makes all the different people in this country that's what makes it a great country you know and I know that because I was just recently in Europe and did you know the Europeans they think that Americans are lazy yeah but don't you guys get upset because I went right over there and I straighten that whole country out I did I told him look Americans we are not lazy we just like to sit and I'm right think about it we have chairs in every room of our house except the bedroom we're tired of sitting we're gonna lay down the car the Train the airplane all American inventions all moving chairs now when you're a little kid the first game you learn musical chairs this shows you the importance of finding a seat and when we give someone the death penalty we give them D electric chair we're gonna kill you have a seat in fact we get very nervous when people are just standing around it's against the law it's called loitering because we have no understanding why people would be in an area where there are no chairs and that is why a standing ovation is so important in this country because if you can get that big fat American butt out of his seat well then you've done something important I love you got you know what - I really love this crowd in fact I want to make sure this side of the room is enjoying the show as much as this side so what I'm gonna do I know it's a Friday night it's almost 10:00 you probably had a hard day of doing nothing City so I'm gonna do I'm gonna give this side of the room a rest and tell a joke - this side of the room and then I'll give this side of rest and tell a joke - this side and then we'll all have a minute to be refreshed and we can get a little weird so you guys take a minute maybe rest your eyes or think of something you're grateful for I will be right back so the other day I was gathering berries and I says to myself you know if Chinese ambassador gee judging cellist yo-yo ma an actor chou-heung fad had a baby they could call it G your Ma's fact good alright you guys take a minute rest your eyes I'll be right back so the other day I was gathering berries and ice have you guys heard this already and I says to myself if Dan Rather Fuzzy's Zeller and colon Powell had a baby they could call it rather fuzzy : okay now I'm gonna bring everyone back together if John Madden Joe Pesci and Dennis Rodman had a baby that'd be the ugliest baby ever when [Music] [Applause] now everyone is back together now I think we're all ready to get a little weird are you guys ready okay oh don't worry I'll go slow I am a procrastinator and I bought a slow cooker dinner will be ready in November okay I'll go slower I believe in karma so when there was a two-year-old in front of me on the plane I kicked his seat the whole way I wonder if somewhere there is a society of dragons and in all their restaurants they have pictures of Chinese people on the walls I'm gonna get some plastic surgery I'm gonna have my eyes done I'm gonna have them both put on one side of my head and then continually ask people if my hair looks all right the other day there was the laziest bug on my ceiling it just sat in the same spot all day long and I wonder if it was thinking the other day there was the laziest woman on my couch I was on a flight to Canada and there was a fly on my plane and I thought that fly doesn't know he's flying I don't like it when people call me and it says blocked ID that's not fair you're calling me you should say who you are you know what I do when that happens I answer the phone with a bag over my head so they don't know who they're talking to my last name is Ron Taos key and there's a football player named Gronkowski and I think someone should have told me cuz one day I was jogging by a bar and I thought everyone was screaming about what a great tight end I have [Music] why is it the sound system on the ice-cream truck has not evolved in 60 years I've completely lost this size around Monday I found the answer to the age-old question who wear short shorts unfortunately it's the old man in front of me in yoga class okay this one's hard you have to focus I am gonna open a philosophy gym and call it the why I am going to open a gym for overweight English people and call it downtown flabby I am gonna open a yoga studio and call it you're not gonna believe where my foot is I don't know how to decorate my apartment I put a sticker on my bedroom door that said anything is possible and then my boyfriend put a sticker on the headboard that said the door is a liar now I've shifted to just the side of the room that's weird so I love to shop I will shop anywhere except the sharper image I am so I don't I'm afraid of everything they sell in that store I don't need nose hair trimmers that double is weed whackers ladies and the last time I went into that store listening with the head they had a carving knife with a spotlight on it like what serial killer went in there hey you guys got a carving knife with a spotlight on it well sure right over there by the nail gun with the skull try our hammer with a silencer huh and then they had a watch they hadn't watched they said worth six hundred feet underwater my god you're six hundred feet underwater you're gonna be late you should be more concerned while your 600 feet underwater and then they had a flashlight but they only worked 150 feet underwater so don't drop your watch and then I got thinking 150 feet underwater with all them sharks and fish is nothing but a flashlight I'd be like man I wish I had a carving knife on the end of this thing that's where you need it now check it out I got a really groovy sweater the other day check out what they give me with a sweater they give me a little tiny baggy right with an extra button in it yeah like they don't have enough confidence in the guy sewing on the buttons like his shirt hasn't been checked by number 12 [Applause] and I got thinking you can't do that in just any job you don't buy a car and the guy goes hey we threw a couple of extra engine parts in the trunk in case you have any trouble with that you don't get a haircut and the guy goes hey here's an extra baggie a hair I screwed that up bad on top and I have never lost a button off a sweater but I've lost every baggie with the button in it I've ever gotten and ladies what's happening to blue jeans my god they're getting lower and lower I'm in my 50s I want jeans I can clip to my bra see because I have given up I have given I don't know if you notice but I'm letting my hair go gray that you know what happens when you let your hair go gray you can go behind the counter at Denny's and no one says a word everyone just goes Laver alone I think that's the owners wife I got off on a tangent I leave a note I'm talking about I get so confused you know the other day I was sure the aliens had implanted a tracking device in me but it just turned out to be a loose freedo in my underwear so now I have to figure out why the aliens are putting Fritos in my underwear that's true and I can't remember anything listen no what I did a couple years ago I and I invited all my friends over for my 50th birthday I was so excited I had never had a birthday party before because I was always on the road everyone came over and they all chipped in and as a gift they hired a numerologist to tell me my future and I was still excited I said to her I was born 8 1765 what can you tell me and she said I can tell you you're going to be celebrating this birthday again next year because you're not 50 you're 49 I can't believe how good she was I had a call my sister and asked her how old she was she said she was 52 I said if you're three years older than me and I told you I was celebrating my 50th birthday did you find that odd and she said you know I did and then I thought well that's your business and I said you couldn't subtract three and say something you're a teacher and she said don't play me cuz you suck at math besides I teach kindergarten and they all know how old they are and then she said well what year do you think you lost and I said I don't know if time travel is new to me I might be married with seven children for all I know and she said you can't have seven children in a year and I said oh look who's suddenly a math professor true that's my sister I'm always in trouble I finally got to go and see my three year old I got to go see to my three year old nephew's birthday party and you know for his birthday my sister she gets him a pinata cuz apparently at 3:00 he wasn't breaking enough things around the house she wants to blindfold him in hand of a bat I'm not allowed over anymore because I kept going hey Evan but there's candy in that lamp over there [Laughter] see I thought that was funny my sister didn't she yelled at me she goes you know what your problem is Karen you think like a man so I said I'm sorry I wasn't listening [Applause] and then I made her smell my socks wow you guys are great you haven't even touched your M&Ms is that bad there what Oh the Reese's Pieces oh excuse me that explains a lot more you know I thought I was a little weird but I think it's you people I think that that maybe I don't I don't eat those cuz I'm vegan you know and the reason are the reason I became vegan is because I found that is the fastest way to bug the crap out of everyone around me I don't I don't know why people get so upset at what I'm not eating like oh the vegans coming to dinner we're gonna have to get some unicorn sprouts and some leprechaun feathers why is she doing this to me some guy in the Midwest got really mad and he goes that's not American not eat meat Hitler didn't eat meat and I was like well yeah but he ain't dairy and he tried to kill all the Jews that's the two differences between me and Hitler right there [Applause] we're both average painters but that's not my job to tell you guys what to eat or what to think my job is to make bigger mistakes than you do so you can laugh at mine and feel better about yours and I'm very good at my job have you ever asked someone when the baby was due and they weren't pregnant yes guys hate that and I always say the wrong thing my neighbor came over and he was wearing a sweatshirt and on the front of it he said it said I believe in the right to bear arms and I said if you were serious about that you'd be in a tank top that's my neighbor I have a huge crush on my neighbor he's so cute and he has all kinds of guns you know I don't want any guns and I asked him how come he had so many guns no D told me he told me we all need to have guns in case we need to overthrow the government if we need to overthrow the government a lot of you people are gonna have to start getting in shape I don't know if you've been down the cheese aisle at Walmart but the rebel army has met itself go I mean I do a little yoga but unless we're gonna overthrow them with incense and throat pillows I don't think I can help they have the military they have tanks I don't have enough car insurance to take on a tank I don't know what to do my god but this is nice folks you come out you have a good time that's what you gotta do you gotta enjoy life you know I I love my parents they always you always be good to your parents even if there are little nuts cuz my parents I don't quite understand them they always try like when I was a little girl my dad would always say Karen be proud of yourself no matter what you do in life always be proud of yourself because no matter what it is there's always gonna be some jerk standing there cutting you down that's just how your mother is I know they hate each other I don't know why they're still married I told my mother she wasn't thinking positive so she joined a Widow's Club they came out to visit me for a month oh yes the people that gave me life came to suck it right back out of me my dad told me he put a drawbridge on his house just turns out he installed the garage door upside down have you ever tried to take a stroll down memory lane with your parents talking about your childhood and after listening to him for a few minutes you're like were you even there I'm like hey MA do you remember on my 10th birthday when I cracked my head open on a rock and she's like oh I remember a duck got in the car and then my father's like that wasn't a duck that was your uncle Andy someone yelled you want a beer he thought they said the aliens are here and yelled they're gonna abduct me everyone dock and that's when the duck got in the car and my dad is so cheap he worries more about money than death you have this message on my answering machine Karen your mother and I are going on vacation now if we die on vacation don't fly the bodies home the airlines are gonna try and stick it to you with the price you cremate the bodies and you mail them home there's a flat-rate priority box your mother will fit into nicely I prefer a bubble envelope so if you don't hear from us for a while you get something in the mail open it carefully it's either your dead parents or some fudge it will be a surprise and then he wonders why everyone's nervous we're very nervous family our family crest is a picture of an irritable bowel we don't worry about death though I know I read a book on near-death experiences and I think I'm gonna have one because I never finished anything and I thought what a great unit of measurement just near-death I remember I had an ear job experience once I did I had a job once and it was so weird cuz me and my boss we saw eye-to-eye on everything like one day he walks up to me and he goes I wish you didn't work here and I was like me too and then he was like you come in late and leave early and I was like thank you for the option man but I'm doing that now but I do that one part-time job I work part-time as a ghost hunter you know don't be afraid of ghosts ghosts are just people that don't know they're dead yet like Gary Busey and ghosts are just energy they used to be able to turn TVs on and off all the time but now they just stand around the three remotes going I don't know which one it is [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,398,596

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Karen Rontowski, Karen Rontowski Dry Bar Comedy, Karen Rontowski Comedy, Karen Rontowski Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, dbc, stand Up, Death penalty, life isn't fair, wyoming, nevada, elko nevada, comedy central

Id: OhgcT0gAd-U

Length: 39min 52sec (2392 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 23 2019