EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING - Liz Miele FULL SPECIAL

one of my favorite people in the world so glad that she's doing this album put your hands together for Liz Miele [Applause] I have no self-esteem I can't that's gonna affect the career hi uh I've lived in New York City now for 11 years and I I don't have a gay best friend that's weird right like I went to art school that's where they come from and the problem is I didn't have any gay friends the problem is I had too many gay friends and I think as we all know you can only have one cuz they're exhausting so let's try and narrow down to the best gay guy you know what I mean like the guy that we're looking to my eyes and know my shoe size like they do in the movies but nobody sits an adult in New York City woman down and teaches you the truth about Gaiman which is that they're just dudes did you know that they're just dudes like any other dude I've ever met I'll give you an example when I was like 19 20 years old I was at a party with my friend Ryan at a know where Ryan grabbed my boobs start shaking them and laughing I was like what the [ __ ] dude don't touch me he's like whoa calm down I'm gay I was like how's your gay make me not molested right like there's no rule like must have boner for me to feel uncomfortable don't touch me I've never had to tell a lesbian that because they were raised right hi I have mostly guy friends and I realized pretty recently it was actually causing me a lot of anxiety because I feel a deep obligation to teach these men about the modern woman so every time something big happens and one of my guy friends lives always like to give them flowers and then when they look disappointed I just go yeah cuz I'm just gonna die you can't keep them or eat them so recession everybody I want to Snickers seems you like $9 I have a lot of guy friends I've had him for a long time and it's it's a problem like pretty recently a friend of mine asked me what I thought about when I masturbated I was like great we have crossed a line and we were never going back I was like I'll be honest man I think of hot emotionally stable guys telling me I'm funny it was like well how do you know they're emotionally stable when I was like you don't that's why it's a fantasy I am in a weird place I a lot for a living I am I'm on the road all the time I've been doing it for a while now but it's changed over the years you don't get paid as much as a comic you don't get it put up in a lot of hotels anymore so I stay on a lot of friends couches which I've never minded until pretty recently when I slept with a friend I was staying with which was which is not smart it's like the number-one rule of poor traveling artists is you don't sleep with your only couch option in Sin City and I'm not really sure what to do about it because it's like I slept with my couch I think I might have feelings for this couch I don't have time to meet other couches and I want to resolve this problem the way I solve all my problems which is to ignore the problem what I can't because it affects my career because people are gonna be like hey Liz when's the next time you're performing in Atlanta and I'm gonna have to be like I don't know when my couch gets married and I know what's going on between us he hasn't texted I don't know I am I lived here a really long time and I I don't think you have to live here that long to hate cops but it helps I don't have a problem with the cops above-ground I have a problem with the cops in the subway their board the board and I know their board they cause trouble man like for me I come home late at night almost every single night of the week and when you come home late on a weeknight you get a whole subway card to yourself like 10 years ago that was scary now it's refreshing I feel like I earned that those are what happened to me a couple months ago I I got on the train late at night I was the only person in the car and I did what I always did I put my headphones in my head down my feet on the chair in front of me and I zoned out a couple stops go by this cop gets on the train kicks my feet and says get your feet down and I filled with rage just filled with rage because that's not one of the unspoken rules of the subway train if you don't know what they are they're very simple it's don't listen to loud music don't buy candy from strangers and don't pee on the train but we all break those rules there are a lot of delays and there are no bathroom but it refused to believe that this guy's captain sat him down and was like hey Sully when [ __ ] gets low you will stop stabbing people let's get the manors going come on bro let's get it back to old New York remember when we used to hold doors for prostitutes those were the good old day bring that back it's [ __ ] right because if he's allowed to talk to me like he's my mom and this is our living room I should be able to respond like he's my mom and this is our living room hey get your feet down hey why don't you know how to express love I've lived in New York for so long that everybody in my life has been been mugged but me and all it really is done to me has made me question why I don't dress better I am I have a lot of free time it's kind of like a shitty thing to say to people right it's like everybody's goal and it was my goal I mean my parents worked really hard they still work really hard and I saw that as a kid and I was like that looks horrific I'm not gonna do that and I have accomplished it I mean there are 80 hours a week to my one hour is very it's very clear what is crazy to me cuz nobody ever sat me down and told me like a key component to enjoying free time is money you don't have it there's not really much you can do with it so I feel like most comics really have two choices of what they can do in their free time you can either do drugs or workout it's like prison [Music] it's exactly like prison I don't do drugs it's usually just me running in a hotel parking lot wishing I did it's really it's really boring that's what I do in my free time I run I run a lot I I run marathons which is not bragging because I'm not good at them I am currently still finishing the last one I've been running marathons almost as long as I've been doing stand-up comedy whenever you do something odd or extreme people is assumed that they can't do it too which is not always the case so it's stand-up comedy they'll be like oh my god you're a comic I could never do that and I usually agree I'm like you're kind of boring probably but marathons they don't agree so it'll be like oh my god you run marathons I could never do that and it's like yeah yeah you could you have to find that right balance of hating yourself and you will this is just cardio it's just an abusive amount of cardio and someone resolved family issues and you might not agree with me I don't believe anybody wakes up at 5:00 a.m. on a Sunday to run 26 miles in the cold because I like themselves because you know what self-confident people do nothing nothing they don't justify it or excuse it they wake up on a Sunday whenever they feel like it any cheese I've seen it I didn't always run though I started running about 10 years ago because I wanted to lose weight but continued to eat junk food but now it's 10 years later I run twice as much as I ever thought I would and I actually eat really healthy which kind of seems wrong it seems like I lost sight of my goals I'll be honest I I haven't run in about 4 months they actually ended up developing chronic back pain and I did all the typical things to fix it I went to a chiropractor for a while I went to an acupuncturist nothing really helped eventually I read this book that pretty much says chronic back pain is usually psychological and it's usually due to unresolved emotional issues would you have to say agree it just made it really complicated to talk about so people be like how's marathon training and I'll be like oh I haven't I developed chronic back pain and they'll be like how and I'll be like my dad ah hi I was actually leaving the gym the other day I was eating a banana and this woman came up to me and she's like you know there's a lot of sugar and bananas and I was like yeah I know it's not my first banana like when they then become socially acceptable to critique someone's diet just because you read half a women's health magazine it's like I'm a tiny person leaving the gym eating something from the earth I'm not your target market [ __ ] leave me what Fritos can we bother her I'm not a big dieter but I did I did a pretty extreme Paleo diet with my little sister for a full month all we could eat was meat vegetables and fruit that's it like a macadamia nut but it's the worst night I refused to eat it I didn't think I was gonna make it ever really bad sweet tooth I thought I was gonna cheat but three weeks into this diet I'm doing amazing I'm rocking this diet until I got upset about something and realized that fruit doesn't cure sad if anything it's like a second helping of it right cuz cookies release endorphins that make you feel better Kiwis remind you that nothing ever works out it's a dick of a fruit I uh at a bad year last year last year I got sick for about six months and nobody could figure out what's wrong with me I went to all these doctors and specialists nobody knew eventually I listened to my friends who recommended I take an allergy test and they were right I found out I had some food allergies and what's upsetting as it wasn't the cool ones it's not what all the kids are doing it's not gluten her peanuts I'm allergic to yeast so simplistically speaking that means I can't drink beer and I can't eat bread and I learned something very quickly I've met happy people that don't drink I have never met a happy person that doesn't eat bread just me and a bunch of women on Weight Watchers wondering why God doesn't love [Laughter] last year was uh was especially bad year for me for a lot of reasons and it's um it's crazy I it was a hard time but I'm actually glad I went through it it it actually made me appreciate being a woman because as a woman usually have one or two close girlfriends and the nice thing about having girlfriends is that when you kind of fall down to a very low emotional low you kind of hang out with you and pick you up and hold you until you're better and it's actually a really beautiful relationship and I don't know how many guys really get to experience that the problem with girlfriends is that when you reach a level of depression that they can't handle they don't know how to say that and they don't they don't go like hey maybe you should see a therapist or hey you're bumming everybody out it's brunch instead what they do is they lean on quotes and mantras which is not helpful so about six months ago I called up my best friend I told her about some of the stuff was going on with me and her response was was God doesn't give you more than you can handle really an explained suicide rate is that not an exact definition of giving someone more than they can handle and I'm not suicidal I'm just logical because if I had to make a complete list of all the possible solutions to my predicaments it'd make the list it wouldn't be at the top would be at the bottom after maxing out my credit card and redoing my whole apartment so if I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna confuse the [ __ ] out of everybody I know we're gonna walk into my place and they're gonna be like oh my god why did she do this her place looks amazing are these our dreams this is like really nice I feel like I'm in Ikea I really I mean she's dead right like I could sublet like this is available I'm just saying like I was her favorite she called me three times yesterday I didn't pick up his she was exhausting hi I am the I'm the daughter of two veterinarians which I thought was awesome when I was a kid but now I just know they're Psychopaths that only kill pets I fully believe all veterinarians are just stunted serial killers they just never graduated to people they didn't apply themselves they're weird people we have to understand like my older sister's a nurse my older sister has accidentally killed people that's human error that's how that [ __ ] happens my mother on the other hand is a cat specialist my mother has purposely killed hundreds of cats fluffy starts peeing on the carpet you don't want any more don't you put that [ __ ] on my mom that's you you guys did that I will admit this she's been doing it over 30 years she's gotten a little jaded she's saying some stuff I'm not okay with like I called her up a couple weeks ago and I was just complaining about my cat it was like uh just throw up on my bed I'm so mad right now I just did my sheets and she was like do you want me to kill it I was like what the hell mom she's like what I have a kitten in my office right now you could start over with like a better cuter more resilient cat I'm giving you options here of course I was like well is it available she's like no but I'll just say it husband with scar cancer or something they don't know it is crazy I'm a cat lady that's so weird I've been a cat lady before it was trendy by the way my mom's a cat specialist I lived next to an all cat clinic I've had cat posters my entire life I don't know I did the past-tense I currently have cat posters since I was four but it's weird to me because I only have one cat but people treat me like a real cat lady look people come up to me all the time and they're just like hey how are your cats and I'll be like oh it's only one and they'll be like that's weird it feels like many and that's an Instagram problem you post 14 pictures of your one cat people think it's 14 cats they all say my cat is not any different from any other looking cat my dad loves to tell me stories though like um my dad's when we pretty recently had this new client come in and he was making small talk he was just like asking simple stuff he's like Oh what do you do for a living and she's like oh I do criminal forensics and he's like oh that's cool she got all serious she's like I just wanna let you know dr. Miele dogs are loyal he was like alright what do you mean by that and she's like well a lot of times we find these dead bodies they've been dead like three or four days and whenever there's a dog the dog just sits next to the body just waiting cats eating their face every time my dad like searching my eyes he's like does that doesn't shock you I was like shocked me I was like do you know how many mornings I wake up screaming I'm not dead yet they don't care about it they're tiny beautiful terrorists that don't love you they don't want you I am I guess I'll tell them about more about me I am on birth control that's why I look like I'm 12 I went on it 15 years ago because I didn't want to have kids but now I wake up every morning without acne and that feels like the real reason I'm on it just banging dudes and not washing my face living the feminist dream I think most women oh you take the birth control pill at the same time every day for it to be effective so most women set an alarm on their phone I do something little differently I take my pill every time a baby cries it's incredibly effective it might be too effective I've been known to take it seven times a day there's a lot of side effects I don't recommend this for everyone the first side effect is I'm a lot [ __ ] here I'm like twice as [ __ ] second side effect I used to be taller she's gotta weigh those options I've been on birth control for so long I actually don't know my true personality I might be a nice person there's no way of knowing I've been on it since I was a teenager a part of me feels like I should go off it get it out of my system find out if I really am a [ __ ] if I am NOT a problem I'll just go right back on it but continue to blame the hormone you'll be like Liz why are you always grumpy all the time and I'll be like well there's a beautiful thoughtful caring person deep down inside me busy killing babies I don't want to have kids and I actually don't want to get married I actually don't believe in marriage and I feel like more people should feel that way but apparently it's just me and divorced men would receive oh if I ever did get conned into marriage I'd make a great second wife cuz I don't care no in a wedding I don't want to ring I don't think I need my husband to pay attention to me pretty sure I'm just looking for someone to binge eat and watch movies with fun lucky marriage is a legal bound meant for you to have to feed my cat when I'm out of town I am running out of money I am trying to date though I guess I make eye contact is that Dee I'm creeping people out it is not appropriate anymore you look down at your phone and move on with your life I don't believe in love at first sight which which I don't think you had to say after 14 I thought we all just got it you'd be surprised I meet a lot of people like I met a dude pretty recently that was like I met my wife 10 years ago I saw her across the room and I knew that I loved her and I was like that's all well and good dude but anybody can love anybody without talking to them well you just got lucky that she didn't have a shitty personality because by those standards I fall in love hourly on the subway [Music] but all it takes is noticing that he cuffs his jeans are hearing that he believes and ghosts and it's over his love at first sight fades real love happens after you've heard all their dumb ideas and you still want to make out with them I know this cuz I'm single I've had more time to think of theories and [ __ ] yeah I'm single but I know why I'm single I think that's I think that's an important distinction actually think I'm part of the first generation that truly understands why we are undateable so many blogs there's too much internet for you not to know like I'm single because I'm emotionally exhausting just think of all the jokes I've just done take out the punchline that's dating me problem is I used to think I was unattractive but I've had enough boyfriends and I've been seeing a therapist long enough to know that I'm kind of cute but not cute enough for how emotionally exhausting you see the problem the way I see it's positive because it's all in my hands if you think of it this way like if I'm like cute here but exhausting here I gotta find a way to like balance it out so I could um I could like wear heels and try for trotting make any kind of effort or I could stop reading every text message as an attack on my character those are my options don't worry about him I'm not am I gonna do any of them just gonna hold more stuff get streamed on Netflix I'm gonna buy a heated blanket that's my winter plan every single person needs a solid winter plan I already have a cat I'm like pretty much there if I get one more cat you make them into pictorial muscles you never need a man that's how I'm Italian I like them hairy if you don't you just get Sphinx - the same thing you wonder why people become cat ladies they're just they're just pictorial muscle things I'm gonna lose people if I keep talking about cats part of me is like edit edit I'll be honest I did break up with my ex I am I broke up my ex a year ago for him I did it for him he was a good dude and he was a beautiful man I I would recommend him to friends I would if he was a restaurant I would give him a solid yelp review I would I give him five stars I thought he had great service beautiful ambiance pet friendly he liked my cat I would say the biggest issue was distance because I live really deep in the Brooklyn he lived in Washington Heights on the New York subway system it took an hour and a half could you imagine how maybe that distance might heighten the expectations of the relationship cuz if he live five blocks away I could give a [ __ ] he could be a woman I would jerk off to the convenience but an hour and a half away you better be mad demon you better hand me a winning lottery ticket cuz I'm grumpy don't touch me my Kindle died an hour ago my breakdancers almost kicked me in the face I discovered I don't love you anymore a lot of reflective time it made me realize we should all be dating the same way we should being which is locally it's good for your heart and the environment I'm just a good person the real reason we broke up is cuz he cried a lot and before you judge me I'm not demeaning him because I a cry a lot so I cry like every other day and he cried three times in a year and a half and I just decided that was a lot isn't that the hypocrisy between men and women is I can cry as much as I need but you should have your [ __ ] together and I feel bad about it I feel bad I feel that way but it was actually really important for my own emotional growth because it made me understand the other side of dating me so what would happen is we begin a fight I would start crying immediately because I have emotional issues and then why I would just win the fight too by default because we now have a situation that happened to me three times and I was like oh my god this is so unfair I now understand where resentment comes from I didn't like it I felt bad about myself I wanted to fix it so I tried to fix it I would say the first thing I did was searching a therapist and I would say that cut my crying down by like 20% not cuz I'm emotionally better just cuz I save it for her she she has good tissues like the ones with the lotion I don't have that kind of money and I was like the biggest thing I did is I I finally did go off the birth control pill and I I now have a goatee of acne under my makeup which is my new form of birth control it's doing a great job but it's crazy I cut my crying down by 50% do you not understand I actually kind of feel like a normal person that blows my mind it actually upset me it made me really mad at the medical institution because I was put on that pill when I was a teenager and nobody batted an eye nobody thought anything of it and yeah I haven't had a kid in 15 years but there's some things you could have alerted me about maybe some symptoms we could have talked about some things you could have prepared me for some pros and cons maybe so pro your boobs get bigger everybody enjoys that you fill out some dresses they get to touch you and have a good time it's fun ah con you gain 5 to 10 pounds of water weight doesn't matter how much you work out it never goes away and people just feel the need to use the word puffy around you like it doesn't hurt your feelings Pro your skin does look incredible like people used to come up to me off the street and tell me I had the skin of an angel and like asking me what my secret was and I would just tell them I eat right but I never did it's all uphill con no one will ever love you again this you're the worst that might it be that might be the best that joke has ever done I'd like to stand by that punch line isn't funny you guys are just nice people and I just like to sabotage all my jokes it's weird man yeah I remember when people used to try to help you do you guys remember that people used to help you dating like ten years ago I remember that like you would tell a friend you were single and I'd be like oh there's this guy bill in my office I think you guys would really get along that [ __ ] doesn't happen anymore if you've been single more than six months for some reason you're some kind of casualty you're like hey what about Bill and they're like I mean I got to work with him Liz I mean it's a really shitty economy you're really selfish I mean he's also my backup plan like if my husband dies and accidentally drowned all my kids I mean he's a really good guy I think we have a nice life together then they recommend online dating which used to be like one of many options for some reason now it's your only option people are like you should online dates for you it's for the people with the faces nobody likes you should do that it's for the people that don't know how to spell you don't know how to spell you guys could not write essays together a beautiful life which is fine but like on dating it's like a weird place it's like a weird place with weird rules filled with weird people it's hard to catch your bearings you know like for me I professionally talk about myself for a living and I could not figure out how to write a profile about myself I gave up so quickly all I wrote was that I had a cat and I didn't stand up that's all I wrote it didn't matter I got a message in five minutes it was like you have a cat I have nine rats I wrote back we're not the same it's weird I don't know if you guys have online dated but have you ever like have you ever met somebody that's been like online dating too long like they've been online dating as long as the gays have been online dating starts to mess with you man they start to sound it starts to sound like the same people have been institutionalized they always say the same thing they're like yeah maybe I'm crazy or maybe this place makes me crazy you talk to these guys have been dating too long online they're like yeah maybe I have weird sexual fetishes or maybe this place gave me weird sexual fetishes stop judging me we're on a date I love that laughs it's very helpful sorry I'm getting over a cold today today's the first day that I felt better and then I to a friend on the phone and I started yelling like I usually do and I was like this is not the day to have this conversation I was like be yourself tomorrow you have to talk for two hours I am I don't mind online dating because it's really good for material it's so crazy because they come out with new ones all the time like the newest one is tinder you guys on tinder if you don't know about tinder please let me have the pleasure of explaining tinder cuz this isn't what tinder is it's an app on your phone and all it is is a face a name in an age okay so face Jason 30 and from that information you're either into Jason's face or you're not do it not into his face you're probably not so X in the corner you press the X it says nope across his face and then he flutters away just not gonna [ __ ] that for 20 minutes I was like oh my god this is so fun I'm amazing at Angry Birds of dating it is an addiction that cannot be explained or justified it's so fun it's so fun that I actually don't understand how people get to the actual dating part of the tool so let's say you do like Jason's face if you do there's a little heart in the corner you press the heart let's say he likes your face he presses the heart and then it opens up into a chat room and then you just start talking we're all okay with this all I know for sure is this dude has a nose and now we're talking sorry that's not that's not enough information for me I have preliminary questions question number one do you have a job I don't have a job if you also don't have a job that's a lot of eye contact and getting to know each other too quickly we're gonna fast-forward through this relationship in like three days you need to be busy for us question number two I need to know if you're over religious I'm so unreligious I don't want to go into any old buildings I'm gonna read any big books if you prayed for anything more than a parking spot in the last six years not into it question number three probably the most important question I need to know if you live in New Jersey I'm from New Jersey I don't care how hot you are I'm not going back hashtag deal-breaker [Laughter] the one I actually ended up doing stuff with his eye I was on I joined OkCupid and I'm glad I joined OkCupid I learned a lot about myself like I learned that I'm a girl I've never felt like a girly person but now I know that I am because the sole reason I didn't want to join that website it's cuz I still wanted the story I think every woman in here wants the story of how you met your boyfriend how you met your husband you want it to be a good one but it's like I'm a comic I want my story to be epic how am I started be something like I was standing on the subway platform and I was texting but I lost my balance and I dropped my phone in the tunnel and then as a train was coming this dude jumps in the tunnel nearly gets hit by a train jumps out hands me my phone and his name and number already in it and his name would be Odyssey but in case that doesn't happen and I do meet somebody on this website I would never tell anybody because that's gross when I tell people instead is that we met in a subway bathroom because if you know anything about New York City you know there's only one working subway bathroom in the whole system so it feel like fate and make it a really beautiful story I'd be like he was piss drunk I had a UTI we locked eyes washed hands and then exchanged numbers then we had sex in a bathroom dont you judge me this is my beautiful story I've been on exactly five OkCupid dates so that means I've written five emails to my roommates titled please seek justice if murdered I don't think the real fear is murder I think the real fears I've been doing stand-up for 12 years then I'll be murdered and people still won't know who I am it's a bittersweet joke you guys are upset because you're supporting me it's like I don't know I'm kind of like a part of me is like I don't know like I'm Dyslexic that's something I like to tell people right away yeah I actually had to tell people right away because at some point I will be texting you and at some point you will be confused I didn't know as dyslexic when I was a kid I just thought I was dumb cuz I'm a really slow reader and I'm really terrible speller but didn't even matter when I was a kid cuz I had the best best friend of all time cuz every time every Friday in elementary school we had a spelling test and every Friday she let me copy off her spelling test which is awesome then but now it's 20 years later and I'm calling her up like hey Danny I'm texting a boy how do you spell serial killer I've lived in New York see a really long time and I moved here like I said from Jersey and I I moved I moved to New York with two fears my top two fears was murder and rape and I don't want to sound ignorant but neither of those things have happened and strangely enough they're no longer my top two fears my two new top two fears is being peed on and sitting in pee [Laughter] and I have little brothers so the second has happened a lot and I just started online dating so the first is bound to happen I do want to give anybody that's online dating some hope I did meet a dude online it didn't work out which is a weird way to give hope we have to understand there's still people that don't use their credit card on the internet I [ __ ] a dude from the internet I'm a success story and a survivor I want a t-shirt I think he was my boyfriend he always texted me back do you want to know anything about the modern woman if you text me back before my friends do you are my boyfriend that [ __ ] works now but because of him I found the one benefit of online dating which is he was the hottest man I have ever dated in the history of my life so everybody I've ever dated was over here and he was over here with like kittens and rainbows and other things I enjoy instagramming in a strange cuz I think most people know that when you meet somebody in person you connect and it's through that connection that you build an attraction and it's through that method of dating that I have accidentally dated a lot of ugly men can't do that online there's nothing to connect with if you've never online dated this is exactly what happens you go through a really bad breakup and you're single for like a year and you get really sad and your friends are like oh my god you're so sad maybe you should do that over there with the other sad people so you make new friends and they introduced you to online dating even though it's never worked out for them so you go home you cry you make a profile and you just judge the [ __ ] out of people you do it's super easy you're like oh those are your eyebrows I'm not doing that I take care of my face maybe you should take care of yours oh you mountain climb that looks really fun I'm not I'm not doing the energy or the time or them I'm not gonna [ __ ] you in then mountain climb that's a really long day I'm not doing that and that's what you're doing you're judging faces and hobbies and you're really just narrowing it down to what's most important which is do I want you to be inside me you send all those dudes a message and you just hope that one comes back with a shitty childhood because that's where personality comes from that's why I've been so charming I'll say that this is what I've learned from being single for so long I learned that I suffer from the type of depression that leads to excessive cat ownership it's real and it can happen to you in your 20s I don't think people understand that like as a society we're all just one devastation away from owning a cat [Music] whether you like them or not everyone in this room in five years won't a cat cuz you don't move to a new town and go you know how I'm gonna assimilate I'm gonna get something that doesn't leave the house it's not how it works it's not conscious something bad has to happen to you and then they kind of fall into your life so for me I'm very sensitive everything hurts my feelings so at a bad day in college I came home with the cat I felt good for like three years it really helped but you guys might be stronger you might need something more you might need like losing your job after 30 years and feeling less of a man or like losing a leg to diabetes something real and if you're no longer on board with this joke it's because you have a job and you have both your legs can experience real loss yeah cuz if you're having sex you're prone to an accident child but if nobody's [ __ ] you you will have an accident cat cuz all it takes is one bad breakup you're walking down the street sad they're handing mail for free because nobody gives a [ __ ] about cats now you have your best friend you may or may not remember to feed this was this was a really important year for me this was this was like this was like my fifth year of seeing a therapist which is significant for me because I fought it I thought it's so hard I wanted nothing to do with it and I'm glad I'm glad I'm in therapy it it's really opened me up cuz it's made me understand why I say and do certain things and I've made some of the biggest biggest decisions I've made in the past so the biggest decision I've made is doing stand-up actually I started when I was a kid I start when I was a teenager and always thought I did stand-up cuz I hated my family but it turns out that I do stand-up because I'm a product of mental illness and abuse and I don't blame my parents cuz my parents are a product of mental illness and abuse and I have a cat and she's the product of mental illness she has to be right I'm the only person that could have [ __ ] her up I've had her her whole life I got her as a kitten well five weekend she fit in my hand within a few hours of having her I realized I got the wrong kitten she sucked I thought I had an unconditional love for cats until I met my cat but now it's like nine years later and she's great she loves me she sleeps on my face she follows me from room to room chick seems to be in the room that I'm in at all times because if I shut her out she cries relentlessly on the other side because she thinks something awesome is happening on the inside I have created a cat with some of the worst abandonment issues I have ever seen that I only recognize cuz they mirror my own and I tell you all this because I probably did the most like psychologically [ __ ] up thing a couple of months ago and I now know I have nobody to blame but myself I screamed my cat's name out while having sex that happened and before you judge me it wasn't passionate it wasn't like a pasta what sure it's the sadder part of this joke that is her night it was like a divorcee mom that hasn't been [ __ ] right in a while I was angry it was me I'm scared even myself and it escalated in a way that I don't think I'll ever be able to accurately describe because what happened is I brought this dude home and I shut the door cuz I'm I have roommates and I'm a good person and within a couple of minutes my cat starts crying outside the door and I don't know what to do because this is my time I'm not moping no not getting up so I start with the first thing I could think of I started with the Cesar Millan the dog whisperer that she and I think this dude thinks I'm orgasming but failing out at the last moment no idea what's happening so eventually I just scream in this dudes ear and he did not call me back he started I started seeing a dude pretty recently and he hasn't heard that joke it's crazy though I I met him in the real world which I'm starting to think you that's not the way you should do that either you make mistakes he is sloppy like the dude I'm seeing right now is a lot older than me he's he's actually older than my high school English teacher who I actually had a crush on so part of me feels like I should just tell people he was my high school English teacher and just live out that fantasy so people be like hey how did you guys meet and I'll be like well I wrote this essay filled with grammatical errors I think this guy really wanted to [ __ ] me the biggest problem with dating somebody a lot older is their throwback Thursday pictures are older than you are currently and that's confusing we're always wearing the same outfit cuz fashion it comes back around he's actually the second dude in a row I've dated that suffers from night terrors so it's good to know that I have a type and I have no problem with being screamed at while I'm sleeping it's oddly comforting at this point so I um I'm from a big Italian family that's why I'm loud and I curse a lot ha ha I'm actually the second oldest of five kids and I'm really close with all my siblings but um I'm especially close with my little brother Sam my little brother Sam is about 10 years younger than me and the cool thing about my relationship with Sam is he's only known me as a comedian and it's kind of influenced Who I am as a person I'm very honest with him I always tell him how it is I've never lied to him and I always thought that was a beautiful part about our friendship until pretty recently when I realized that we don't have boundaries and those are important this is how I found out so uh a couple months ago my sister my little sister my little brother we're living together at the time not too far from me and I I probably walked in on one of the weirder conversations for an older sister to walk in on I walked in on my little brother telling my little sister like those funny sexual position jokes do you guys know what I'm talking about they always have a title like the rusty trombone yes thank you for your input sir it's always something [ __ ] up two women like you come on RI and it's called the pirate [ __ ] like that so this is the one I walked in on this is one you tell my sister it's a dude [ __ ] or girl from the back that dude leaves another dude starts [ __ ] her but the first guy goes in front of a window waves to her and it's called the poltergeist and he's laughing and he's laughing and he's like isn't that funny Liz that's so funny isn't that funny your comedian isn't that funny that's so funny and I was like I've been in a male-dominated field for 12 years I've heard every fucked-up thing you can do to a woman and it's always something that ruins her hair and I'm not okay with it anymore care about my hair so I decided to somebody that essentially travels the world and does spoken word that it's kind of my responsibility to spread feminist sexual positions so I have a lot of free time I came up with three position number one is a dude going down on a woman she squirts in his face he learns to respect women it's called the 19th amendment save your energy there's two more position number two is a is a woman riding a dude she gets him about 30% away from an orgasm but she gets up and leaves it's called the Equal Pay Act and position number three is my favorite it's just a woman masturbating in a kitchen a dude walks in sad it's called make your own dinner thank you I really appreciate you all being here I think in the middle of doing that hour I was like I talk about sadness and cats a lot um that might have to be the title of the CD but thank you so much for coming I really appreciate it it's a lot of people that are either have known me too long have been following my career have unfortunately been dating somebody that's been following my career and I really appreciate it it really means a lot to me you

Channel: Liz Miele

Views: 2,845,764

Keywords: Full stand up hour, liz Miele, comedy, standup, The Stand, NYC, New York, female comedian, feminist, comedienne, jokes, cats, dating, online dating, depression, suicide, being misunderstood, maratons, sex

Id: GvaDjXlrvVU

Length: 50min 40sec (3040 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 28 2020