Understanding The Wife's Code. Jeff Allen - Full Special

and that's what she turns her on what'd you just say to me I didn't say nothing we've been married 32 years and I got my father gave me one really wise piece of advice before I got married and it's held true for 32 years on my wedding day my father said to me before you argue with your new wife and you're gonna argue with her before you do take some time step back ask yourself two questions do you want to be right or do you want to be happy right and then he broke down and sob right in front of me I had no idea what that man was talking about 32 years later I could tell you this I'm a happy happy happy man I have been right in 12 years now some say he's gonna have to ask her am I happy oh you better believe you're happy I was just checking with your buttercup call my friends up I can't go golfing but I'm a happy happy happy man don't get me wrong we argue you've got to argue in your marriage you don't argue in your marriage it'll build up in your brain over time and fries your brain yeah and then you wind up like those babbling mumbling couples you've seen in Arizona Florida these fifty plus years of marriage they're kind of walking down the street the wife is fine it's the poor husband eight feet behind her that scares me to death this poor man's all hunched over he's vibrating mumble is always telling me what to do start telling you what to do I'm a man you can't tell I'm a man I'm a me this poor guy started to try to win back all the arguments he's been throwing away for 50 years you know he was 63 when he got married now he's four foot one look at the poor man weighed down by half a century of apathy leave a toilet seat up if I want to leave a toilet you tell me what to do I hope you sit in the water every night I don't and that's what she turns her on what'd you just say to me I didn't say nothing [Music] scary if to learn how to communicate that's the word communication you have to learn how your spouse communicates that takes time many women communicate different it took me two years of marriage to figure out my wife will never tell me to do anything around our home if Tammy wants me to do something she'll ask me a question it's from the question that I got to stand there and figure out what if she wants me to do simple example say leave a pair of my underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor which Frost's my wife that's her word when she's angry that just Frost's me Jeffrey if I'm not frosted I'm driving up a wall that's another one kids had come in where's mom she's up the wall of frostbite that's all I know you won't believe what put her there man was that pair of underwear in the middle of the bedroom you're looking at the most powerful piece of cotton I'm playing it over so I leave my underwear in the middle of the room would she come to me and say to me pick those up that's three words Hey pick those up three words what'd she say no because that would be simple direct and right to the point and at that moment we would be communicating at the highest human the way God the Creator intended it through language she looks at me looks at my underwear and then asks are those yours I sure hope they hire otherwise I got a few questions in my own what do you want that's the only question the man has for his life what do you want but talking in code and tell me what you want my favorite question we weren't married two months I'm leaving the house I got golf clubs on my shoulder got golf shoes in my hand and everybody knows what she asked me where are you going I was only married a couple months I didn't know any better I looked at I going bowling Colombo if you're taking notes that would be the wrong answer an hour later I was still in my living room come on tell me what is this about please let me know I can make the back nine just let me it's about knowing the right answer that's why why you're beautiful intelligent wife would ask such a banal question I know better today I'm leaving the house with golf clubs on my shoulder today and Tammy says where you're going we'll put these in the car baby I'm gonna come back and mow our lawn just practice and leaving for golf about eight or nine years ago my wife and I picked up my oldest boy at the Fort Campbell he did six years he served six years with the hundred and first Airborne so we picked him up and we're driving back we live in Nashville it's about an hour-and-a-half drive so we're driving back and I asked my son now that you're out of the military you've had six years to think about it what are your plans and he said well it's kind of hoping I can move back home while re-acclimate to civilian life I said so you haven't thought about it have you no I said all right well you've returned it take all the time you need 19 months into the acclimating process my wife grabs me in the hall one afternoon how long does it take to acclimate I said I don't know I never had to go downstairs and talk to that boy so I'm went downstairs I politely asked my 26 year old son pause your video game I need your full attention on this one Maya and I are a little curious did the army teach you a skill something and used to get employment and move out I want you to understand something young man your mother and I want grandchildren we've earned grandchildren and we worship a God of miracles we believe on a three billion women on this planet God has chosen one of those women for you to breed with we just don't think she's gonna fall through our vent that'll land in your lap down here in the basement so she learned anything he thought about it he said you know I could kill you six ways with a popsicle stick you enjoyed it video game my man and what mom and they know when you're done doing that acclimating thing so I run upstairs and Tammy says to me how what'd he say he said get rid of the fudgesicles cuz he's going on a diet that's what he said I don't know I don't know if the army fed him for six years he was literally eating us out of house and my wife and I started hiding food in our bedroom to keep it from our son about why that's pathetic it really is we had a stash of brownies and muffins in the nightstand next to us so late at night we get all excited run down the hall hold hands lock the bedroom door I'm sure he thought we were doing something else but weird we were just under the covers eating brownies and laughing at him really it 50 your life gets pathetic it really does the brownies are here we've run down the hall lock the door hurry he's gonna smell these and what when I know it two hours and that is and the truth be known that's all we do in our bed anymore anyway Izzie we really we bought a select comfort but I don't know if you're familiar with it but each side of the bed has its own number the higher the number the heart of the mattress my side of the bed 100 marble slab that's it Tami's numbers - first night she laid on her side of the bed she literally disappeared from my vehicle mattress wrapped around her like a flour tortilla poor thing was sleeping on a fajita on her side of the bed so I roll over to kiss her goodnight I fall into a ditch I can't get out on my way in there she's gonna get off of me what are you doing over here get off of me by the way if you're a newlywed that's the sound of 32 years of love right there [Music] yes you're on my hair you haven't shaved your breath smells stop touching me don't get me wrong we still try to get romantic we just save it for special holidays now turns out Tammy's favorite is leap year I didn't even know that was a holiday I really do I'll dim the lights and put on some Shaddai and Tami says wow has it been four years already alright I'll get the good flannel in the hunting socks out tonight now we're married we try we just we just know how much time and energy it actually takes and we prefer to watch law and order that's just the way it's worth time my wife falls asleep at 9:15 every night you could set a watch by her by at 9:00 10:00 you look at her on the couch in our living room it's like a gas leak goes off sweetheart maybe you should go to bed I'm fine I'm fine what are you a five-year-old quit fighting it just go to bed do you be quiet this is my favorite show for a woman's scene the beginning of every law in order for five seasons and now they come out in rerun and she's yelling at me I've seen this one we'll give it 20 minutes I love that woman people ask - they asked me is your wife aware the way you talk about her no so don't be facebooking her this is her idea funny god blessed me with an amazing woman she's got a dark twisted sense of humor I mean it she's done this is her idea funny I'm in my chair at home every man you have a chair don't you serve don't write me we have a check your man that's your throne if you ever went missing they give a cushion in that chair to a bloodhound wouldn't they find that smell and then they provide the dog and send him on his way [Applause] so I'm in my chair one after minding my own business now my wife comes up behind me she starts rubbing me like that she's got her arms around me like that she's nibbling at my ear and of course I'm thinking is it February 29th it was a nice moment between a man and wife we were married 20-plus years at that point and it's a nice moment in like a few minutes just really nice and tender and then at one point she kisses the top of my head and she hugs me she said I love you Jeffrey said I love you too baby and she walks away and I'm basking in the warmth of this I mean 10-15 times I would yell she was in the kitchen baby that was nice thank you and at one point my son comes walking through hey dad who drew that big smiley face on your balls fire yeah what I thought was fingernails was a sharpie she was bent to scratch it out look at my dog so don't you feel sorry for her you got to know your love language I read a book some guy wrote a book dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called five love languages according to dr. Gary Chapman there are five languages of love between a man and wife Tammy and I read that book twice in one week because we didn't see our love language in there yeah apparently bitterness sarcasm not part of dr. Gary Chapman's love life so I noticed my parents had their own love language 57 years they were married before my mother passed away that last Christmas we knew would be mom's last Christmas so it was a special one we knew this would be it so anyway we were all sitting around watching television to movies wonderful life those Christmas movies my mom's doing her crochet my dad's in his chair and he starts serenading my mother in their love language 57 years of marriage [Applause] Oh my mother didn't miss a beat she didn't say anything she puts her crochet down she goes into the kitchen comes back 20 minutes later with two hot dogs and a soda pop for her puzzle how cool is that so that night I'm laying in the fajita with Tammy and I'm talking I said did you see that today she goes what do I parents did you see that whole thing she goes I did my good do you think we'll ever get there you and me on that level Tammy says shoot me if we do you start Hocking hair balls at me like that it's over that was one of the most vile disgusting things I've ever witnessed in my life I almost chucked my dinner all over the kid's head Wow I thought it was beautiful I married a tough one my Tammy's a tough tough woman first thing she did when we got married was take my spine away from me she did she keeps it in her purse it's handy in case I have to do something mainly three o'clock in the morning I heard a noise here's your spine go down and see little I hate that wake-up call see here's the noise I got to go down to see what it is well if you were sleeping you wouldn't have heard it so go back to sleep you won't hear the next one trust me he's trying to be as quiet as he can he'll probably apologize for waking us out she's she going on her feet track mud on her new hardwood floor she'd rip his thyroid out she's got a temper I mean a temper I'm not talking hurt ability and sarcasm cuz that's what attracted me to her here's an example we were eating breakfast one morning one morning just sit at the breakfast minding my own business whistling that's the kind of good mood I was in whistling could explain why I didn't hear her ticking on the other side of the table I just wanted to butter waffle you know what I'm talking about man you just want a butter walk no family business no talk no nothing butter a waffle so I said sweetheart could you pass me the butter knife of course now I'm thinking something must be bothering buttercup so I asked some on your mind she says I'm fat there's not a man in this room knows you can't respond to that there's a twitch of the eye or get you killed at this point if you're a newlywed trust me your wife ever says she's fat you become mannequin man you don't move a muscle you certainly don't say anything let's let her finish her thought they'd a knife on the wall butter the wall then she says we're joining a health club did you hear what I said I think I heard you say you're fat and we're joining the health club that was the wrong answer of course we joined a health club and if there are two people on this planet that should have never purchased a health club membership it is Tammy and I trust me I haven't moved with any purpose since I won the race at conception trust me I don't want to brag but I outran about four billion that morning and I'm still exhausted we're lazy people we're not ashamed of it we've actually woken our children up to get the remote control for the television we've had an exercise bike in our bedroom for ten years it's got about a mile and a half on it and most of that was put on by the grandkids sitting on the floor just spending the pedals she once called me from the driveway to get her purse hello get my purse where you at I'm in the driveway I'm going to the health club and I need my ID but ways you're you hey go get your mother's purse and bring it to her [Music] [Applause] we've tried you know I've tried things when I was in my 20s I tried skiing when I was actually corn I got knocked unconscious by the chairlift I mean I that's funny now if that wasn't humiliating enough the insurance company that I had it that wouldn't cover my head injury I'm gonna make enough guy called me up at home said you got hit in the head with a chairlift they said yes sir he goes Wow that makes you a [ __ ] and we consider then a pre-existing condition they had me was a loophole I wanted to get in shape I wanted to give these guys grandchildren now they're running me ragged by the way if you're a young parent everything I was told about grandchildren is true it is they are your reward for what your teenagers live that's fight the urge let those ingrates live and you'll bring you a bundle of joy they will which is your time but you've never been sicker in your life - you spend time around little children you know that they go to preschool why the CDC hasn't shut down every preschool in America I'm not their little germ manga aggeridge I repeat you think if you went to an American preschool shut off all the lights turn on a blacklight it would look like the surface of the Sun in that place and they're 5 years old they don't know any better they give stuff to each other give this one your Papa and still wait till I'm sleeping on the couch that she just stares at me while I'm laying there and you know because of gravity everything in her little mouth is flashing on my face it's like sleeping under a toxic rain pipe vanilla wafers and kool-aid did this paste falling on your face as soon as I open an eyeball she goes oh is that Ebola I haven't had that one yet and the worst is when they take your drink out of your water they handed a glass you got a six-course meal flour on it no pop I'll get a new water water shouldn't have 40 grams of fiber at this and they live nearby which is really really cool we see him a lot and my son brought her over one day he thought it'd be funny to teach my five-year-old granddaughter to give me a wet willy that's funny now so I got her on my lap and I'm bouncing around she's licking her finger no and it's kind of amusing you know 30 seconds into it she goes pop I got pinkeye what squirt and parelle in my eye it was cool she just turned five we had the birthday at our house and it was really kind of cool and my son dropped her off and they had to go get her a gift the bicycle or whatever it was they didn't want it there so they drop her off about an hour before the party starts and she sees all the balloons and everything she knows it's her birthday she's five so she runs down I'm on the couch I'm reading a book she's running down the hall I heard a girl and she disappeared I didn't see her and then I heard her at plowin oil wall and I only tell you this because people after the show will ask me what sort of stuff makes you laugh that would be one of them right there right sorry up side reading the books he disappears I heard that's funny I'm sorry that's funny I tried to comfort her but I couldn't stop laughing at Evelyn you were moving pop up and when they cry at that age they get that yo-yo it gets about here and you get transfixed on the yo-yo and then the bubble shoots off did that come out your little head you got to get the parent book out bubble out the head that could be dangerous and I don't know what to do with it I'm C's crisis runner knows mice and Danny comes walking by what happened and she says I would boob a baby and I said she plowed in a wall she's okay I said she goes what's the problem I said the stuff the junk coming out of her nose she Timmy goes oh you're such a wimp and Timmy she just grabs it like that this this toxic waste now she's walking down the hall berating me you're such a wimp I'm sick and tired of it was still connected to her nose Oh [Applause] and she says to me Tammy says I bought you handkerchiefs who uses handkerchiefs I don't see the attraction of blowing your nose and then stuffing it right back in your pocket if you want to hang on to this stuff leaving in its natural environment and my father had handkerchiefs and this is probably what and our family as a young boy if I was crying and my nose was running and my father was walking over with a ball picture oh I bet that's not up as fast as I could [Music] I'm all right dad look does it come out come here boy let me wipe that face no not the handkerchief dad please not the handkerchief then you hear them open it run come here boy [Music] [Applause] oh my goodness my eyebrows I don't have any eyebrows for an entire school year my mother drew my eyebrows in every morning for an entire semester I was surprised every morning [Laughter] you tell yourself as a parent when they get older it'll be better that's what you tell yourself teenagers I believe teenagers are God's revenge on mankind I really do I think I think one day the good Lord was looking down over his creation and said let's see how they like it to create someone of their own image who denies their existence [Applause] because I have read the Bible more than once cover to cover and it never mentions how old the devil was when he rejected God's authority if I'm guessing an age I'm saying 16 double got his driver's license drove to Georgia that's all I know [Music] one heck of a fiddle player buddy you can't argue with a sixteen year old you can't they have a three word vocabulary that's it is the word you're gonna pass your history test is another word you can't spend the night at your friend's house you flunked a history test and then that word whatever whatever drove me insane it affected my nerves because when it would come out of their mouths I'd immediately point him right in the eye whatever [Laughter] and gets the little angels ready for therapy they're going this is America your kids gonna lay on a couch at some point in his life and blame you for everything you might as well give him reasons going in don't stress about it they're gonna do it I told my kids when they learn to write when you perceive an injustice in our home do us all a favor write it down and date and I'll initial it boys I'll come well when you're middle-aged my memory is not so good we could breeze through the therapeutic process together I'll just hand that book the therapist all that stuff with my initials next to it I did and I'll be at the golf course I don't get it where we're at as a nation we got 40 year old men calling up their 65 year old fathers and yelling at I'm at 2:00 in the morning and blaming them for all the grief in their life it may be true may had a rotten father but at this point is life what do you expect them to do for you I got my answer ready I'm waiting for one of my sons to call me up in two in the morning you ruin my life all I'm gonna say is whatever [Applause] what other answer is due over you know well we didn't mean to ruin your life hey why don't you move back home mia mama Eurasia we're a lot calmer since our strokes don't you know we can't remember when bedtime is we we can't remember anything you can you can move home and help us find our shoes in the morning that'll be fun we can't find anything around here remote controls car keys it's like a scavenger on every day you sure do sound like a nice young man what was your name again [Laughter] it's puberty something happens when a child hits puberty my oldest son went through puberty at 11 years old not making it up it took him a half an hour to get through it there was it but it was a terrible half hour I'm not come on the road I call home he's 11 he picks up the phone who are you doing what's going on with you I called home the next night that same boy picked up my telephone hey who are you put my wife on the phone and get out of my house and they're all different my youngest son was six to 230 pounds thirteen years old this manchild walked around our home for months his voice never driving really how do you keep a straight face during that phase of development big yell at his brother way to farm animals showing up at our back porch yelling down the hall somebody's touching my stuff dial it down man there's two goats on the porch looking for you that's real funny dad put that one in your stupid show so I do in the talk every father in this room and had a son knows what the talk is you sit him in the chair as a boy when he gets out of that chair he's a man because for the first time in his life he hears the facts here's the truth you look I'm dead kneei boy you have got to quit eating all the food in this out there are five of us here we feel like we're in competition for that food with you this is an American home and is not the Serengeti to be more food 2-mile just slow down and save some for your little brother that poor child so skinny he fell down a sewer grate he did it's a good thing he was wearing his bike helmet he didn't fall all the way through those bike helmets save real lives are you kidding me any man in this room over 40 knows if you would have actually showed up for a bike ride when you were 12 wearing a helmet you would have needed a helmet to keep your head from caving anyway your friends were pelted with rocks dork Oh what's with that plastic hat he cut it out chuchi chuchi you dented my basket I'm telling my mom [Music] I had the pleasure of growing up in America before the lawyers took it over and ruined it on us yeah in my day if the kid fell off the monkey bars and chipped the bone in his arm that was tragic but it was funny to the rest of us certainly wasn't reasons to take the monkey bars off the playgrounds we all did dumb things that's how you learn not to do dumb things CS Lewis said suffering was God's megaphone that's right you do dumb things it hurts and then you learn not to do it but we're almost painted verses and we give you an example when I was 12 someone told me get a ball jar canning jar find some dry ice put it in the jar put the lid on it so I said what's gonna happen they said it's gonna blow up and I said cool where do I get dry I said and they said the ice cream man so one day I heard the ice cream man coming down my street I run out with one of my mother's candy jars and I asked you got any dry ice he said what you gonna do with it and someone put it in his jar or put the lid on it and it's gonna explode ice cream man says oh here's your dry ice that's the America I grew up [Applause] yes and of course that night my mother was at our kitchen table picking shards of glass out of my forehead and my father came walking and how that happened somebody told me you put rice in a ball jar it'll blow up so knowing that you were just staring at that jar waiting for it to boil right up in your face yep what am i raising a [ __ ] could see why you'd think that I never did it again cuz that had been really dumb that's how you learn my nephew's coming by this poor kids eleven years old I look at him where is he going my sister see that rollerblading I thought he was gonna disarm a nuclear device poor kid look like the Michelin Man foam rubber plastic everywhere she says I don't want him to get hurt I said hurt he could take a semi at 80 miles an hour that up falling on concrete is supposed to hurt see that your incentive to learn to stay upright on the rollerblades they've ruined everything playgrounds I took my granddaughter to a playground what happened to playgrounds the slide is five feet high made out of plastic she would go for inches and stop for inches and stop for inches and stuff it's not a slide it's a scope we papa we papa clapping what did we have we had a six story high solid steel structure Bob Mitchell aye Mitchell I within a temperature of about 285 degrees you lose two layers of skin on the way down another layer when you hit the ground like a flat rock on a pond come back picking gravel out of your thighs yeah now it's we pop oh I wanted to shove her down the slide did I want to shove her so she know what at the exhilarating feeling of sliding and I felt six iPhones on my back go ahead old man we dare you it's nuts car seats I'm not against car seats I'm just telling you I'm tired of strapping my granddaughter and like a NASCAR driver to drive two miles to get a Diet Coke from the mini-mart she's 54 pounds I'm gonna get a hernia hauling her and out of the city what age can you take them out now five seven 18 here's your high school diploma you get to ride home like a big boy today [Applause] Parsi we don't even have seatbelts I walk the backseat of my mother's car for four years she'd be driving I'd just be walking the back seats I decide sure every now and then she'd hit the brakes I'd fly up into the front she tossed me back like a trout what are you doing up here is it bad I got pulled over by the police I'm not making this up I get pulled over by the police because it was sunny day and my granddaughter was in the back seat with sunshine through the window and the policeman said I'm not gonna write you up this time but you need to have a sunshade to protect you from the Sun I go what are you kidding I almost got arrest I said are you kidding me this is a joke right when did the Sun Shine become this evil thing since we didn't have Sun so screen was when I was a kid dirt that's what it was dirt and why because we would eat dirt and he would get all over our face to protect us from the Sun and then we'd wash it down with water from a garden hose and then I take a bath put on my expensive pajamas and go to bed [Music] and look how I turned out the only kids we had worried about the Sun were the threadheads the gingers you'd hear them sizzling like like bacon and right field out there you're rusty you might want to get in you know and the kid run off to feel like a leper pieces of them falling off we still have put sunscreen on we gave him a snow cone rubber I knew be fine I live in a small town I love small towns we have uh we got our first traffic light about four years ago there were nine accidents the first week to light was installed that's funny now but apparently the people who live there their whole lives couldn't figure out what the floating red dot in the sky was just driving along that's new I love small I do we moved there from Arizona the only reason we live where we live is because there were no homeowners associations when we lived in Arizona we had a homeowner's association and this may shock you and we've spent about 35 minutes together but it turns out comedy boy here has a little trouble with authority me and the local Gladys Kravitz didn't get along too well they were always write me up garbage can lids her off garage door was opened by rocks I didn't have a want it was Arizona so I had rocks and they were messy because my kids would run through them Oh your ax a little messy didn't know those are the ones that fell out of my head from moving here the day we sold the house we were driving out back I told my wife I put the car in park I said I'll be right back and I went through the rocks Terry says what are you doing I says I'm just setting up a meeting between Gladys and the new owners because I'm a people person so we moved to Tennessee I told my wife I don't care where we live just know Homer so that's the only rule I have you can pick wherever we want to live no homeowners so we're driving around our little town and we it was before GPS and everything so we didn't have directions to this house we were looking for so we figured we'll ask somebody for directions so we're driving down the street we see a family of four I'm the cop I'm on their front lawn in the middle of an activity I got to tell you I've been around I didn't seen before all four of them were in the process of burning the family couch I'm the frontal I fell out of the car I said thank you Lord Jesus you have you have brought me to the promised land there's no homeowners associates Tammy says is not even a conscious around here look at those people it's like they've never seen fire all four and we're just staring at the flames coming off so I rolled my spare tire up to when I said fire wheel the problem when you live small town there's not a lot to do so we were eating dinner one night and my oldest son was bored and he was just whiny and it was just really whiny I said what is your problem he goes there's nothing to do around this stupid town on the way we moved here I said you know you're right we - there's nothing to do so let's play a game he said what kind of game I said I'm honest and my fingers when I snap those fingers what I want you to do young man is transport yourself anywhere on this globe you want to be doing whatever your heart desires with remember your heart desires to be with this is your dream day with the person you dream to be with doing what you dream to do I want you to dream and dream big I want to know the dream is keeping you awake in my dreams are the engine that will drive you through this life prayer will be the fuel that will drive those dreams I'm gonna trust me man you stop dreaming you stop praying you're gonna dry up bitter up and you're gonna die long before your heart ever stops beating so when I snap my fingers young man I want you to tell me where you're at what are you doing who are you with so I snap my fingers in my 12 year old son goes oh I'm at the mall and Bellevue playing video games with Brandon what that's the big dream keeping you awake at night are you kidding me how about horseback riding in Spain with JLo yeah Tami hit me in the face with a gob of mashed potatoes that's a dream keeping you awake at night no man you asking me I'm on the living-room couch with you watching Law & Order baby you guys have been great god bless you thank you [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 3,847,164

Rating: 4.9052534 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jeff Allen, Jeff Allen Dry Bar Comedy, Jeff Allen Comedian, Jeff Allen Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedians, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routiens, Jeff Allen Stand Up, Husbands and wives, mgtow, America, grandchildren, Dry ice, love languages, therapy, dbc, Dry bar

Id: cqjhCC4sP4Q

Length: 39min 31sec (2371 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 07 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/DylanVincent]

Cough