McDonalds Is The Best First Date. Mike Paramore - Full Special

so Mike what you wanna get Wendy's now this most recent time I need to feel better cuz I recently got dumped so I really don't like happiness and touching right now I think it's stupid I think that's mostly why you getting on my nerves so so like you holding her like she going whirling a mess kidnapping my co legal sir I just don't like happy couples cuz happy couples make it look easy and it's not easy it's hard to pick I'm a bad picker I don't find out all like stuff so his way to label anything piles right it I'm already out with you and then I can do turns out I like home but you like yella might argue unlike the willingness to argue it gives him another I'd say what the [ __ ] is out about myself I took this young lady out to go getting something to eat she really wasn't that cute i'ma be honest so we we end up at McDonald's [Applause] don't don't judge me sorry you didn't see her okay you don't know you don't know what I have to go through all right at the time my car my car didn't exist I was broke I didn't have one I didn't know I didn't she was driving we pull up to the drop it was a very romantic drive those very well lit and everything we see each other perfectly she orders our food but dude couldn't hear he said excuse me ma'am can you speak up that's all he said to her she went completely nuts for no reason started yelling immediately how did you get a job I know your mama don't let you I said pickles nerd she went nuts after she just been discussing out the McDonald's drive-through dude she gonna turn to me talking mouth so Mike what you wanna get Wendy's now like that I seen this movie don't work out fullest in there I've dropped me off good drop me off I'm not going to wear with you trapped me oh that's what she started getting real crazy started down in me telling me I won't go never be nothing telling me I wasn't gonna make it in life telling me I couldn't read good because you don't know we're about literary skills are ok I practice keep my flashcards on me at all times still think I look good what I'll do jagged I still have it in me man getting to the point now I think men and women on opposite ends of the spectrum I really do I think men are very stupid and very simple and for some reason ladies you don't want to understand that we don't like that from birth that is not something we can help probably I think the reason why y'all can't understand dick is are different y'all know pulling opposites to that you you guys are a lot more complicated so a lot more to y'all and I don't even think it's your fault I really don't I think it's because as soon as you born women you're born with responsibilities so did you born they hand you little baby little fake babies to take care of them and tiny vacuums and stones then you start looking at us like who's gonna help me with this lady I'm seven I don't care about that baby I don't know why is crying take their batteries out how to give it to you my GI Joe don't cry you got the wrong time and you wonder why women mature faster than boys while we play make-believe stuff like ninja turtles you learn how to take care of babies and cooking little brownies with light bugs and stuff is stupid don't act like you know I had that easy-bake ridiculousness take six weeks to make a brownie mess it wasn't done in a middle it was a good run it's like I feel like they measure women up from jump that's what I feel like I feel like they make your difficult on us immediately swimmers are born they start telling y'all stuff like you are a pretty princess give you little dresses and stuff make you look like a princess don't let nobody tell you that you're not a princess you are not no princess even if you were a princess ladies what makes you think I want a princess you know how hard it is to get a princess maintain a princess little princesses are three fairy tales princess star in the middle of the woods surrounded by seven midgets n' and witches is trying to poison a fruit why don't people trying to kill you lady what did you do no not kissing you you ate a poison apple fell out ready to wash your face and stuff I just don't think I just don't I just don't get it man we just don't that's why I've never understood I never understood the societal norm for men to pick women makes no sense whatsoever ladies you should never let a man pick you it's borderline irresponsible letting a man who we are stupid what are we doing I don't know how to do that I was with a girl for years and I hated her guts [Music] she made up words and it was very upsetting but she is pretty so I laid it slide you know I'm talking about sir I'll tell you the last straw I couldn't take it on why I had a patient's last straw which was on our way to bed one night she rolled over to me she said baby in the morning i'ma start me a diet I said baby you're beautiful I love you you don't need to start a diet she says I don't need it but I want it I said okay I'm gonna be there for you I'm gonna support you what you should do you should weigh yourself right now get you a base weight starting point so you keep track of your weight loss baby I'm gonna work out with you we're gonna do it together she says to me I can't weigh myself right now because this is my night weight [Music] fellas let me explain something to you so you dislike your woman like I dislike your woman there's a woman outdated under the impression that they weigh more when they go to bed then when they wake up in the morning she said that's true who's that raise your hand so I don't want something shut up man shut up that's not true that's voodoo man that's bleach crap if it happens to you you a sorcerer and you okay if that was the case it wouldn't be fat women just start waking up don't get outta bed sleep in why are you up if you burn the calories and lay back down I wish I would hear a woman tell me well ice need to lose like five mo pounds we'll go take a nap go lay on the couch I think my problem is man I actually am a hopeless romantic like I really do like the idea of love I would love to have somebody to share my life with that the idea of that it's just intoxicating I love it it's just that being the hopeless romantic and single together just makes you creepy like I'm a creep I'm a creepy dude I do a lot of creepy things in the name of love like I stare at women a lot like all the time like aggressively because I don't want to miss the winner eyes lock moment from the movies like what is what if my soulmate is a late I locker I don't want to be a pretty mature i unlock er and miss our moment before we've had a chance to be happy I just think we speak different languages man I really do I don't think one is better than the other this thing men and women speak different languages I think we spend so much time trying to get the opposite sex to understand us that we fail to try to understand the opposite sex that's why we always missing each other you tell our compliments we're always missing each other men we complement women on things that we like versus something they may want to be complimented on and I think y'all do it does to ladies I get this all the time and it irritates me to death oh hey Mike you can't be cute you look like Winnie the Pooh [Music] no doubt Wiki taboo is a fictional bear with no fingers have fingers I hate honey and I got some wonderful pairs of pants that I wear all the time that is not a compliment let me stop telling me that nobody wants to date winning them and if you do want to take Winnie the Pooh Oh just oh that's my problem man in officially old dude not just I can't I don't have patience no much first thing to go when you get old officially I oh dude I know what you're going through sir [Music] I'm scheduled to be 35 this year man all down here from here I hear you whispering I know what you're saying if you're older than that probably saying to so Mike if you think you old at 34 then what that make me mum be honest we are not talking about you right now [Music] why why old people so selfish you had your time it's not so much the number Manas I feel old things have to make me feel old for example I read the article not too long ago Society says the average man at 27 should be married it's very depressing so I don't think society factors in things like maybe me and a wife at this point in my life can come together and fit in my mom's basement because this finished bug this damn Shayne won't wanna do I just can't relate no more man that's the that's the worst thing about being old I can't relate no more a man Swami and women I can't be can't get out of a car cuz I can't text no more girls love the text message and it got same own language fellas and so it's a thing called text language they made up their own stuff and that's frustrating cuz I didn't take that class I broke up with a girl cuz of a text message she sent me a text message to say literally this was thick it's all I said lol ILU ttyl I have never been in the military I don't know what that means why are you texting me launch codes for no reason even if I was in the military I wouldn't have clearance that high how did you get clearance that high I can't date somebody that frivolous with national security once these codes got in the wrong hands my sister uses my phone all the time I hate Facebook I used to love Facebook he's gonna Facebook all the time some my favorite things to do and I can't stand Facebook mainly because you people are getting on my nerves you are yes you sir you're taking Facebook too seriously it is a game it is fantasy it's not real you got 500 friends and you don't know half of those people you got 500 friends but you still in the bathroom mirror taking pictures of your own self what you can't perform what Oh 500 was busy everybody has something to do at the same time nobody can help you out take a picture real quick nobody nobody nobody Facebook is too emotional I get lost all the time go leave a comment on some somebody post it somebody else left funny comments so click on that person check them out see who they are and Facebook suggest somebody that could be my friend click on them check them out see you there I see a girl with you know big personality click on her to see what she's like people this process goes on and on and on and before you know it I'm looking at a hundred and thirty-seven pictures of a cookout that I wasn't even at for these kids waited two hours go this is dumb I mean like it oh but I'm gonna last one of my friends with no kids and babies so it makes it hard for us to relate we don't do the same stuff no more I went over to my dude Jeff house to go visit him and his boys I walk in the house Finding Nemo is on TV that's were supposed to be on TV you gotta look kids I'm not worried about that I'm actually a big kid myself I actually kind of get into Finding Nemo this is my favorite belt buckle [Music] I'm a big hit myself so I didn't have a problem with that I sit down I actually kind of get into the movie here's why I got upset okay we get to the point where we pretty much find Nemo before I realized I haven't seen my kid yet Jeff were the boys he's saying oh they might hear they over they grabbed my house okay then why are we watching tribe amiibo in the door together with that Campbell over there I don't like it it's uncomfortable and you should have told me still have it in me man I actually thought I'd have kids and babies by now I really did thought I'd have kids and babies man it just turns out that I don't really I don't really like kids and babies kids of nasty sir and I got carpet I can't do it I babysit my niece and nephew all the time I stopped out our kids are nasty my niece is a very pretty little girl long hair everybody's always saying she's gonna be a heartbreaker when she gets older dudes are gonna be after her you got the watcher all right yeah you probably right today find out how messy this chicky I'm babysitting her one day she goes to the bathroom so I hear I hear turn the water on so I figure she washed her hands but I felt like I should do some parenting so I came up with a question I asked her figured she'd knock it out of the park no problem she came out the bathroom I said Sara did you wipe yourself her reply to me was I'll be right back you don't feel it that's nice push and what age are you not okay with mudbud anymore got to move out my nephew just is nasty but like I stated before men are stupid from birth so his nasty is kind of funny little girls are not stupid so it's just nasty my nephew came home from school one day walked in the house he saw me first thing out his mouth Uncle Mike I farted today in school that's how he opened up the conversation man this is not what made me laugh who made me laugh is that he was very concerned oh come back I farted today in school but don't worry I smelled it all for anybody else could that's probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life farts work but often that's it hey you like dumb I am as a man I was on the date I try this she smelled it on I don't think I don't feel like it was my fault after like she was a very aggressive smeller like wow why are you smelling so fast on the first day that's stupid as selfish as other patients men feel like I'm an emotional dude man I feel like that's a misconception that men are not emotional men are very emotional we're just situationally emotional like men are usually at their most emotional we broke wing got no money when we can't provide we're very much inside of our feelings women are usually at their most emotional when they are awake for some reason huh cut that out I don't know it's very alarming I don't know yeah while you're doing that I'm gonna be honest man it was my fault I lost a good woman cuz I was broke it was my fault I'm man enough to admit that it was the time of my life why I had no money but I had got some free movie passes and I was like a man this is my time to shine we don't go see this movie after the movie we don't go on a romantic walk and we don't talk because both of those things are free also everything was going according to plan we're in the middle of the walk a bum jumps out of the shadows asked me for change like hey man you're ruining my life right now I'm like no sir I don't have any I turn around I walk off she stops digs at her purse hands this man change immediately I'm upset right like you saw me you she was there you saw me digging through my center console for change for the parking meter and you didn't say nothing he was quiet no words need to be seen now you all about change now you to change lady now you work for Obama so listen this is my man this my man because you are trying to embarrass me in front of his spa he's gonna go back to his bum community tonight and when they cows it around the bonfire telling me bum tales for today he gonna had the best bum tale because he knows the dude who hangs out with women were way more change than he has I'm mad because ladies we are we are a team if we're on a date and I don't have change oh we don't have change just don't have it in me men emotional do it's probably why I'm still single it's easy to get on my nerves especially ladies cuz I like y'all so much I won't 1 dock it on my nerves hmm I feel like y'all get on my nerves more because y'all do stuff y'all don't have to do I feel like you do it just to get on my nerves like like this this bothers me ladies stop pushing body wash on me I use soap I'm a bully there's two reasons I like body wash one when I get out the shower is feel like it's still on me shoo it uses words that I can't readily identify with such as exfoliation that don't even sound positive why are we doing that to ourselves sounds like something you lose friends over to me I heard a conversation now you know me and Mike was cool we grew up together he was like this but ever since the exfoliation he's not the same dude no more it's cuz I'm moist that's why it gives my wheel don't I don't don't like it man there's another thing that bothers me ladies that y'all do if you have a child and that child is older than one and I ask you how old that child is can you please explain it to me in years please that is not funny I am tired of doing math in places I'm not supposed to be doing math i'ma give an example what I'm talking about I was at the park not too long ago a ball hit men lake turned around as a little boy thought it was cute so I threw the ball back at him he missed it hit him and his nose started bleeding not my fault why would you let a stranger thought ball that took here you got to be a better parent he's extremely on that letting and I don't care what you want me to do I do it underhand where's his daddy so I walked up to the mom and I asked her how old is the little man that's all I said to her her reply to me was in a couple of days he'll be 106 weeks are you mad at me calculator on me I'll go over a little man he's holding up two fingers like this ain't the first time she's dangling I'm too thank you talks good I just don't have it in me man I don't have the patience I got bad luck man stuff just happens to me for no reason I travel a lot it's very frustrating I do cruise ships all the time do comedy on cruise ships and be honest a lot of old people on cruise ships I can alarming them out it's not a bad thing you just got to watch you know where you stepping you know I don't have to probably listen I'm old myself I get it man I can prove to you this I've no mo okay this how you know where you owe it if you if you don't if you're on the cusp you don't know if you old or not this how you know if you fall and no one laughs you are old as I know home it happened to me I feel everybody else are you okay man you off me I'm Radley move I played college ball get off me last cruise ship I went on man I love water water is the best thing in the world to me calms me down I can't I could just I could stare at water all day so that's why I love doing cruise ships everything about the cruise ship was amazing everything about getting to the cruise ship it's one of the worst things ever happened to me my life it's a very long day I was supposed to get to the port in Miami at 10:30 a.m. I did not get to the port to 3 o'clock p.m. they delayed my flight several times they cancelled it I had to get on another flight to get there at all what they didn't do was put my luggage on that new flight tried to go through the entire cruise without my luggage they literally had to take me down to the theater department to get me some shirts and no I don't want to talk about it my bright idea was I would go to these different ports in these different countries and get me some shirts I did not know that foreign countries don't do fat people shirts we first thought was Honduras I asked the lady where the two exes were she looked at me like I slapped her child I got off the boat Honduras I got in a cab or what I thought was a cab he eventually dropped me back off so I'm assuming it was a cab what was confusing it's because when I got in the cab I said sir can you please go take me to find some shirts his reply to me was no problem we just gotta stop in my house real quick no sir I don't want to stop at a haunted ourian house real quick I feel like that's how you end up on behind Orion News three things I did not know when I told this man to go take me to find some shirts number one Honduras does not have traffic signs or traffic lights at all nothing they also number two do not have any speed limit or speed limit signs at all they don't care about life third thing I didn't know is sir please go take me to find some shirts sounds exactly like sir please kill us both because I was stuck in Fast and Furious 8 for like an hour on my way to what he called a mall that just ended up being three stores in a Plaza and it didn't have no shirts so I didn't get no shirts in Honduras the next stop was Belize got off the boat Belize I said I'm gonna go give me some shirts but I didn't know when I got off the boat Belize is that the universe hates me and start raining sideways and beliefs I've never seen anything like it it didn't have an origin point it came down stopped and went like this I was under an awning this low I still got wet from here down so not only did I not give me shirts of Honduras I was down one shirt in Belize next stop was Cozumel Mexico got off the boat in Cozumel I'm like forget these shirts and I didn't begin universe I'm not doing it I'm gonna go find me a restaurant find something to eat something I can't pronounce and be safe I thought I did just that got to the restaurant found something on the menu I said ma'am can you please give me the club sandwich autarky no ham have you done - what a club sandwich is is a sandwich with turkey and ham I said oh Turkey no ham she leans into me and says the sentence that changed my life forever she LAN said to me it says sir the turkey is ham are you mad at me are we in the matrix I don't know I just lean back into it I was like ma'am there is no spoon I know it's my fault I'll do it and I get it I running these problems all the time and I find stuff out about myself and my my surrounding environment that I don't like for example fellas I don't know if you know this but if you only make minimum wage as a man you can only really talk to minimum wage type chicks can't really venture out past that too far you ain't got no money gotta mess with chicks with problems issues just girls going through stuff you know I mean like you know girls suffering from like chronic dry eye it's a lot more annoying than you think so if you haven't been through it you don't know look like you got a you know very moist I woman right now did you snort just don't be shameless a badge of honor man comedians we want to make you snort cry and pee if I could get you to pee I'll get a prize I'm looking at dead lady right there she's been crying COC two steps away from pinyin [Music] I'll tell you when I find this out like III got I went to I [ __ ] this out man about myself I went to what to the bank bank teller probably one of the sexiest girls I've ever seen in my life I walk in I get in their line I'm staring she looks good I'm starin I noticed she kind of looked back up at me like we kind of had like a little moment for a second that's what she smiled at me I'm gonna be honest I peed a little bit on myself no shame ma'am no shame not a lot just enough where I can't say it didn't happen I feel like y'all bein real judgmental right now I get up to the counter I give her my account information everything she's doing her thing and I just couldn't hold a Vietnam I'm like excuse me ma'am the next time that you get hungry I'd like to be the man to feed you she looks down at her monitor and replies when I don't think we both ke on $1.00 in 30 seconds my account and y'all might care more me [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 3,114,067

Rating: 4.8911839 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Mike Paramore, Mike Paramore Dry Bar Comedy, Mike Paramore Comedy, Mike Paramore Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Mcdonalds, men and women are different, men and women, wendys, winn, Winnie The Pooh, dbc, standup, dating

Id: T0Jv391NvLY

Length: 37min 48sec (2268 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 27 2020