Dry Bar Double Feature. Bengt Washburn

my name is bent he didn't screw up my name it is bent uh it's v-e-n-g-t swedish name swedish because i am from utah i know doesn't make sense uh it is uh bam we say ben in sweden you would actually pronounce the g it would be banked uh but here in mapleton utah where i grew up uh they never pronounce the g which is how i get my street name silent g always came in handy on the mean streets of mapleton it's strange huh a swedish name made sense to my mom if it's a name in sweden it's a name in utah she told me is popular in sweden it was wildly popular in the 1800s and armed with that knowledge she sent me to school and i came home the first day crying they said my name's not real well did you tell them that in sweden bent is a common name yeah they said in utah bent is an adjective no your name is not an adjective it's a past participle the verb to bend mom had a master's in english so yeah swedish name i was always grateful for my weird little swedish name really was uh because my brother tafeth you can laugh it's funny tafith ancient welsh for david david david yeah my mom dug up a prehistoric name from a dead language who does that who does that well we were going to go with thog but then we had a boy so it went with tafith it's crazy this is my mom's logic she said i don't want my kids having to worry about sharing their names with other kids in their class at school and mission accomplished it was the only bent in the western hemisphere and taphith we've done a google search i've done a google search hasn't been a tafe i don't ever i don't think you google it guess what you'll get videos of me doing this bit the name stumps google so i grew up in a weird family we were a weird weird family you don't know you're a weird family do you you don't until you go to a normal family house and you play at their house this is what i found out i was in a weird family i was at my friend's house and their dog pooped in the living room just right there and this was what was weird to me as a six-year-old they cleaned it up immediately their house this was a big deal a dog log in the living room was a big deal our house different rules this was a rule oh let it dry it'll come up easier those are like jello you gotta let them set a while we we always had at least two three dog vlogs waiting to dry and then every every couple hours you check them with a toothpick you get down and you just it's like the brownie principle in the oven you just nope not ready it is not done yet this has been here a while did that dog eat some lotion again because there's like 40 holes that we could play cribbage in that we didn't play cribbage because we grew up mormon face cards were against the rules i did grow up mormon there's a lot of rules when you grow up mormon as you know no drinking no smoking no premarital anything and of course the most logical rule i learned later no coffee it i know it makes sense now my friends that didn't grow a mormon explained to me no ben it makes sense you couldn't drink you couldn't smoke no premarital anything why stay awake i we don't even know why you get out of bed we don't get it just stay down it's just gonna get worse it was pretty strict no swearing either no swearing no swearing although my mom would spell the swear words because then they don't count apparently she didn't spell bad words she didn't spell like a sailor but she but i understand spelling in front of you know little kids but there'd be a whole room full of adult readers and she was still oh d-a-m-h-e double toothpicks mom we know we can read we can all read all of us so can god we're pretty sure he's literate we think he's highly literate like she thought she found a loophole for swearing she spells it god's up there well what'd she say did anybody get that did you get that was that some sort of a code language was that navajo that was navajo gabriel fetch me a wind talker no swearing my dad would almost swear he'd come close his favorite shoot i said shoot no you said shoot which is texan for shoot dad and we couldn't we couldn't spell swear words even if we even spell this word my mom would knuckle us did anybody else get knuckled she would right here once your skull congealed it was fair game for this middle knuckle right there whack that knuckle which eventually was arthritic it's serious they call it rheumatoid arthritis i call it karma but knuckle ya my dad did not knuckle my dad never knuckle my dad is a psychiatrist so he did not believe in hitting to modify behavior instead he would sit us down uh and adjust our medication why spank the butt when you can chemically spank the brain [Applause] these aren't bad kids they just need bigger pills now i'm old i'm a parent i have kids i agree with mom i think mom's technique is right i think kids should be knuckled or spayed not hard and not in anger but at random just out of the blue because that's life random pain from above is live now what was that for she happens well him too life's not fair i am married now kids my wife uh different than me my wife did not grow up mormon my wife grew up irish catholic yeah practicing irish catholic too i mean every weekend a drunk uh practice no she is different than me for one thing uh she has a job my wife is an officer in the u.s air force yeah public affairs public affairs officer for those who don't know what that the implications public affairs officer that means every morning she has to wake up put on camouflage clothing designed for jungle combat then go to an office answer emails while dressed like a bush it's dumb and they know it's dumb i've told every office she's had you know in this environment i can see you you stand out it's really bad serious if if you had more plants in here that would help you could hide you could stand in front of an open window and sway that would throw him off but as it is if the enemy attacks here's the plan storm the building shoot all the plants lose everybody you should become going to work dressed as a file cabinet with the fax machine helmet that makes sense so we're a military family we've moved a lot all over the world even seven years ago my wife was transferred to germany so i put my career on hold i had to make like two calls went to my mom slash manager at the time and then i cancelled my cell phone plan and i was ready to go all the loose ends of my career tied up and uh followed my wife to germany because she's my wife right she's the love of my life she is the mother of my children she is the source of my health insurance so i had to move to germany in case i got sick this is an american thing still isn't it follow the benefits to a place you hate usually if you notice that the more someone hates the job the more they bring up the benefits how's your job it's awful i hate it but the benefits are good if i get sick then i'll be happy if i could like six months in the hospital would be great i i went to germany it was culture shock germany language i dove into language intensive german six months two thousand bucks totally worth it because i now speak the language uh like a three-year-old with a severe speech impediment i could not talk for three and a half years that was germany my friends would ask what's it like what's germany like well it's like i've had a stroke i cannot talk i thought i'd learn a german my friends told me i would well not all my friends just my friends who only speak one language they know how easy it is to learn a second language and they'll tell you oh you'll pick up on the german event because you'll be immersed in people speaking german well guess what buddy you're not immersed in people speaking german you're immersed in people speaking english this is a german accent so no progress this is my chairman but amazing progress with my german accent now i am not bilingual but i can't sound bilingual yeah it's bundlebar [Applause] [Music] this is great now i use my accent to impress a random strangers i can just use it here to impress people yeah i will take surprise with a hamburger thank you for the good questions you're making now wow gee your english is excellent why thank you wow hey first time i hear this wow thank you let's just cause english isn't your native language no this is because i am from utah it never has a software couldn't complain either not learning german you can't complain this will happen if i complain about not learning german that's what i get well be grateful you're not learning chinese grateful why why would you bring that why would you bring up something i could never do i'm not even learning german why would i be grateful you stink at something that's kind of easy you got that going for you you could be failing at something that's hard but see this way you feel stupid and disappointed you should be grateful chinese is harder than jeremy german's technically kind of easy the grammar is hard but there's similar words to english same alphabet whereas chinese is insanely difficult there's no similar words or sounds and and you have to learn their alphabet we don't share an alphabet and it's not just 30 40 letters you want to be fluent in chinese you are going to have to memorize about 44 000 subtly different drawings of sheds broken furniture yoga poses occasional waffle iron that's what i see like if i look at the menu how spicy is your broken television really well then i will take the downward dog again i'm a menu coward chinese is crazy there's so many shedra i think chinese is the only language on earth in which you can write an entire sentence accidentally you can just whoops i'm literate how did that happen sometimes a shed drawing will be a whole phrase or sentence and you have to memorize the shed with the sentence okay the broken stepladder makes the guys win a golf club but the two seagulls on the park bench for the roof shed drawing my foot hurts oh wait there's a chimney on the shed your foot hurts there's a chimney it's your foot wait there's smoke coming out of the chimney we've got a new pope forty thousand anything could be chinese i'm convinced anything like if you smash a spider on your wall and flick the body away the legs say something in chinese it's probably a full sentence on your wall so i didn't even learn german i didn't learn german while i was there my son did my son was fluent in six months because he's a genius no he was three see he was learning a language at a point in life when you're supposed to learn language i was 46 i was trying to learn language at a point in life when you're probably not supposed to learn anything i think probably they say it's harder to learn as you get older i don't know i know this i'm now 52. okay and for thousands of years you know the typical 52 year old man did he died 12 years ago he didn't go over the ocean and learn german you know and i think your brain still knows that so when you try to learn german your bread what are you doing we're just gonna die soon we die next we don't learn now it's dirt nap time what are you doing it's not time to learn this is a bad investment keep breaking nose it's harder actually they say this after 40 your brain can't remember and learn new things as well and it's baloney here's the thing my brain could remember and learn new things it just won't and i know why this is because it still remembers all that stuff i made it learn in high school and college and then never used so now it is very cynical about learning new stuff tell us if i say come on we need to learn this my brain does not trust my judgment so yeah that's what you said about high school geometry straight a's and now we are a comic that can calculate the volume of a cylinder useless height times per square i could do it do i ever use that skill you calculate the volume of a cylinder no every time i buy a soda the answer is right on the can they put it for you i mean it looks about right they don't show their work but i believe them we got lots of useless stuff on our heads everybody even there's worse cases in the comics there are people on death row right now that got a's in high school sitting there man those a's in geometry are not helping me here on death row they should not have taught me that information they they should have taught me how to hide the body how to clean a crime scene during home act that would have been handy instead they teach me how to calculate the area of a trapezoid in case i need to carpet a crooked room no my rooms are square pretty much it's harder to learn i guess as you get a little older no i mean i'm not old 52 my wife thought i was old at 40. this is how i know she thought i was old we got transferred to the beach california we're right by the beach what do i get for my 40th year birthday by the beach any ideas maybe snorkeling gear boogie board no metal detector does this come with dress socks and sandals perhaps a hernia belt she thinks i'm old i found out i think i'm old because i was excited i'm going to go to the beach and find a watch the only member of the family more excited than mate the dog when i took that detector out into the yard and started digging random holes the dog went nuts you should try it they'll run in circles and then join in and look at you finally somebody who gets me you do get a little bit older a bit things are changing now like i've decided to start coloring my hair i gotta start coloring my hair because my head has decided to stop coloring the hair on the sides and back of my head but it will continue to grow brown bangs just gonna shoot a nice youthful blaze of brown right you know for conversations face to face look maybe 42 walking away 80 year old man this is where now my teeth are going i've got these gaps in the back of my teeth now i don't know if you have that there's gaps back here now in the back i could floss with a tube sock i don't know how they found the i do know how they found the room they're all crammed in the front i can't even floss in the front it's like they just headed for the exit abandoned ship he smells funny the end is near the ship is sinking in my eyes when the eyes go they'd get worse they had to up the ante on my lenses this year they got thick can you see him in the back can you see him can you see him yeah i cannot see them from here i cannot see my glasses now unless i am wearing my glasses which is kind of a convenient way to ruin the day you know you just set him down there goes the morning what'd you do this morning ben i spent three hours walking around the house gently touching everything in the house palpated all the furniture for about three hours it's my fault it's my fault this is the thing they told me i need progressives but i didn't want progressives because progressives make you look old i'm sorry they do as opposed to this maneuver that doesn't look old at all i i can now adjust my eyesight with my mouth too it's tv is fun i i need the glasses to see the tv but i can't see the remote through the glasses so now we do the peer over with the remote and then i just get the button and then i flick the signal at the tv i love on the remote this is what i love about the remote they make the volume button and the channel buttons identical because they're horrible people well this is the same show as the other channel only louder are we paying for louder channels seems like a rip-off i'm a grandpa that's when i felt old when it turned into a grandpa that was a line 48 i became a grandpa and overnight you know you you go to bed just a guy you wake up at grandpa and i walk into the shower i go by the mirror i see myself in my underwear and i realize i am now wearing grandpa underwear i went to bed in underwear and woke up in grandpa underwear we could have a whole drawer full of granny panties now overnight then i took off my underwear and i thought i am now a naked grandpa and i'm sure i'm soaping down a naked grandpa in a shower freaking me out i could never be a naked man again that will never happen you understand that from now on i'm a naked grandpa which is that's a good thing though because i was not a very impressive naked man uh i wasn't i'll be honest if i ran through the cobbler shop here naked right now and you said naked man you'd all look and go saying i've seen better but if i ran through here naked and someone said naked grandpa you'd all look and go not bad pretty good grandpa i'm a top 20 naked grandpa it's kind of nice i've never looked worse and i've never felt better about it that is love that's a nice thing as you get older the shift in the nudity goals it's wonderful i really like that young people you're worried you want your body to be beautiful my age i just don't want to make anybody sick it's just nice yes big questions too when you get all these big questions hit you you know as how long are you gonna last your eyes are this bad how it's gonna sure you know ten thousand years ago with this eyesight i would be dead you too you'd be dead ten thousand years ago you'd be dead those are thick you'd be dead real fast right we'd be dead we'd be out in the woods chasing furry blurry moving stuff with our spear backwards we don't know we don't know like sneaking up on a bison oh it's a bear now we're dead because we poke to grizzly with the blunt end of our spear it's a fatal mistake would be like a people hunting story told by bears just once i had one sneak up on me and they like poked me with a stick then he run right into a tree that i am not ask ursa she was there you remember ursa you asked part to god seriously i scat you not nature doesn't put up with bad eyeballs does it it doesn't put up with it there's there's no cross-eyed cheetahs on the serengeti out there chasing two perfectly synchronized gazelles like wow these guys must rehearse forever they are good there's no bald eagles with lazy eyes the zoo there are there's a bunch of the zoo but in nature if you're like a far-sighted woodpecker let me explain far-sighted woodpecker is in trouble that means you can't see up close that's not good for woodpecker it can't like back up and squint it can't adjust its eyesight with its beak like i can can't ask a buddy are these maggots on the log well it's dead because it has bad eyesight it's bad eyesight's not compatible with hunting and gathering that's what we used to have to do we were all hunters and gatherers oh it used to be if you wanted meat you had to like chase it down with a rock or a stick you had to run down the meat now you can just walk it down it's right in the fridge this is meat speed i'm working at meat speed right now you just go over the fridge and get a sandwich easy sometimes though even that's too much work isn't it you've had a long day of doing this and you are tuckered out and my phalanges are pooped you go over the fridge you're gonna scare up a sandwich you do your pre-sandwich making inventory right okay we got the lettuce the tomatoes no more craft singles dang it now i have to slice the tomatoes and the cheese i can't can't manually slice cheese i don't have the tools or the skill the knife's going to swerve in the cheddar and i'm gonna have a cheddar door stop screwing up the cheese to sandwich flavor ratios oh i gotta undo the twisty tie on the bread which is just who did this it's like you're going for a merit badge on this no wrong way it's the wrong way it was right the first time do you ever give up on a sandwich do you ever do that you give up it's too hard you got to combine ingredients in order then there's the twisty thai ammonia man you should go hungry i think if you're too lazy for the same but you don't do you you can just go over the phone now and just order out the food on the phone aren't we failing at a very primitive level when we order out food we are failing to feed ourselves hello dominoes i am tired and unable to feed myself yes again and a half an hour later i'm sitting on the couch watching a show i hate because i lost the remote there's a knock at the door and it's open you know i'm not going to stand up to get the food the food is literally tracking me down now and now it's going to enter my k for our ancestors that's like a mastodon just wanders into the cave and has like a heart attack over the fire cooking itself after rolling through a sauce puddle and over toppings and onto sharp rocks cutting itself into easily consumed triangles less than 30 minutes or the next one's free if food doesn't fly into my top hole 30 minutes after the phone call someone failed and it's not me physically lazy i am physically lazy well a lot of us are this is how lazy i am i'll wake up first thing i want to do when i wake up now after all these easy things in life the first thing i want to do any ideas go back to bed just regain consciousness and i just want more unconsciousness i mean shouldn't i be a little bit grateful for regaining consciousness that's an important event most important of every day is waking up shouldn't i be a little grateful like wow how long was i out nine hours holy cow i almost died that was a closey instead i open my eyes oh not this crap again man consciousness stinks kind of lazy this is when i found out i was really lazy my wife and i moved to germany and i became the stay-at-home dad in germany and that was the hardest work ever the two kids the housework here's the thing about housework that i learned the other person only notices what you don't do you can spend hours cleaning that house or like 20 minutes right before she comes home first words out of her mouth why is that pan on the stove cause i'm gonna hit you with it what a stovetop recipe for gratitude i'll bring it to you you got to clean we didn't do housework the same i can't even help i'm bad at the housework i can't even find things she'll send me to the basement and if i say i i couldn't i can't i can't find it she gets kind of mean well did you look oh no i didn't i just smelled that is a good idea yeah just went down there in fact i did i closed my eyes so i could hear better and then i took a big whiff next time i'll look i'll use my eyeballs the housework was tough man we didn't do it the same like even when i helped it didn't help like my wife said hey did you did you see ian's mittens where is mittens they're under the bathroom sink she grateful no she's angry she's angry because instead of putting them away i memorized where they were that's how i do housework i find stuff in the wrong place and go wow you are lost you stay here i'll go get help so boy scout rules applied to housework you do it the same as her i find you have fights when you start raising kids they're hard they're hard this is a tough task it makes you ask the big questions in life that's what i find why am i here that's a big question why am i here usually when i ask that question it's right after i enter the grocery store why am i here and then i'm like oh yeah that's right because my wife sent me here to get something and i can't remember what it is and i'm not going to call and ask her because i am not making that phone call again just load the gun that shoots you i was like hey you remember earlier when you sent me to the store you do well i don't i was nodding and looking at you well i guess i was pretending to listen can you answer me this did i drive or did you drop me off okay then i will continue to look for my keys i can't do that so now i have to wander through the store hope something jogs my lousy memory so i can remember what i agreed to buy while i was pretending to listen to her and it doesn't work so i'll start guessing i will buy 400 worth of guest groceries a whole pile and it never works every time come home did you get the spanish olives and then this is what i'll do oh i forgot which is a lie you can't forget something you never heard i don't even know what i need when i send myself to the store i don't know i think the breezeway just wipes my head clean i'll come into the store i'll walk right by the carts because i don't need a cart i'm just getting a few items right five minutes later i'm in front of the donuts loaded up to the chin like a looter i need a cart basically i'm trying to vote something off the island so donuts can come home with and there is a time limit because within minutes this gallon of milk is going to rip my fingers off and then people walk by and tell you about the existence of carts do you know there's cards and oh yes i know about what like i don't know what a card is wow a wheeled basket where did you get that it's a genius i'd flip you off right now but then i would drop my bacon this is my favorite thing to do shopping i'll go to the store pay for my groceries walk out without them after an hour of shopping i kind of forget what i've been doing i see the cashier you look like you could use a couple hundred dollars there you go but it's fun it's fun for everybody cause i'll get almost to the door and then the bad boy makes it fun he'll hold up my groceries say hey you forgot these you might want these and then everyone laughs with them oh silly man and then i'm embarrassed so i go wow what a weird day it's not it's normal that's another business and it's fun this was the funnest i had with this i forgot the groceries like normal i'm embarrassed i get my groceries i get almost back to the door and then the bad boy whole different tone of voice uh sir and your wallet and keys whole different tone you know it went from this is funny to this is a serious situation is this like a silver alert is that what they call it and he didn't wave him around either it was very careful he handed them about slow and like no sudden movements like he was feeding a carrot to a wild deer don't run little buddy there you go and the people weren't laughing either now they were looking at each other like wow we should not have been laughing at him i did not know he was that dumb and the produce manager knew he was serious to him he kind of came over slow then he kind of grabbed my arm and like uh are you here alone alone as in who is watching him does he have a bracelet or id or something so he said are you here alone and uh this was my response [Laughter] which is the wrong response and he grabbed harder and he said uh did you drive i'm like yes i drove alone and i'm fine i'm okay can we help you out to your car no i don't want you to help me out of the car okay i don't want you out there when i can't find it [Laughter] that's the last step it's me in the parking lot with my ford fiesta keys in the air just trying to use them to set off the alarm on my little spanish party ditzy brain which when you're raising kids is a problem i i had a baby i was in charge of a baby with this brain baby's easier than toddlers of course you just watch the baby toddlers you have to like intervene because 10 30 100 times a day they'll make an attempt on their life no warning signs they'll just be plain and also and i wonder what electricity would taste like and then you save their life and they try to smash in your face with their skull they're like meddling giant [Music] babies this was the hardest part about the babies i had the baby at home this is in germany my wife would call from the office around 11. so how's the baby and i would panic because i had not thought about the baby for hours [Laughter] how's the baby better question where's the baby i hope it's upstairs in the crate or the crib either way it's the same thing it's a very fancy crate but i'm not sure it's up there because i haven't heard nor smelled it for a couple hours i hope it's sleeping and constipated in the crate that's what i'm hoping that was my deal with babies you have to remember where you set them down they're like your cell phone or car keys i was in charge in charge of the house at this brain scary and at least at least uh fights you do have little more fights after you get married raising kids like i got my son ready for bed once got him ready for bed one night brush his teeth read the story put on his pajamas bring him in to see my wife to say good night my wife's well he doesn't match what are you talking about his pajamas they don't match you have them in spaceships and dinosaurs and i said no i have him in a shirt and a pant if i had him in a shirt and a shirt you would have an argument that would be bad for his little psyche like a shirt pant some sort of high-waisted crotchless capri it's not good for a little guy a spaceship dinosaur we're gonna sleep through that crisis literally no one will ever see that ever ever worst case scenario kidnapper like gets him under a dome light in the van well this little filler doesn't even match i'm not going to get any ransom for this unwanted child that's the worst that could happen like an embarrassing amber alert and my wife did not agree she said look here's the deal here's the deal i care about matching pajamas how hard is it for you to make pajamas match how hard is it really and i said it's easy to make a match watch this and then i turned out the light [Applause] no don't clap for that i should not have done that that was mean you're different you like different things that's important you actually become emotional opposites after you become a couple did you know this when your partner gets very upset emotionally your instinct is to try to calm them down by acting calmer which makes them feel clinically insane for being angry so they get angrier then you get calmer they get angry and then maybe you tell them now calm down and then maybe someone dies right then never tell them to come down you try to act as angry as they are and if you want them to calm down you should probably act about twice as angry do you see when i'm say you're driving you're stuck behind a slow car in the fast lane he's really upset right now if you say here calm down calm down makes it worse but if you say stop screwing around and run them off the road just run them off the road the golf clubs in the truck you beat him in the hospital let's kill this [Laughter] see and then he will say oh [Music] well maybe we should just both calm down you get married you don't know how different you are when you meet you don't notice how different you are in your meat because you're so hot and heavy and loved those engaged couples are creepy they have no idea i was next to an engaged couple on a plane they're already kind of making out because that's what they are and then we take off and they announce an emergency landing they're going to empty the fuel on the plane and it's scary scary i'm worried the engaged couple start making out more he said to her at least we'll die together i couldn't live without you anyway just sick so now i'm terrified and nauseous but that's the engaged love phase but meanwhile right across the aisle as an older married couple i told you we should have taken an earlier flight they're going to squeeze in one last fight before they die because they're married that's what you do oh so this is my fault i say sleeping and everybody dies my fault why don't you talk louder then everybody on the plane will want to die like i do you could do that for the whole plane i want to die i'm taking off my seat belt you see that i'll put down the tray too i want to die the thought of living to face your mother alone i think not sure married you the activities that were romantic while you were dating will make you fight after you get married do you remember this let's go for a drive when you're dating awesome how's the mary drive married couples how is that wonderful i stare she tells me when i screw up and by when i mean when it is too late every time you should have turned there i should have turned thank you for withholding that information until it was criticism that was beautiful the way you weaponized it i noticed this the first time my wife and i went married canoeing also the last time we went canoeing with my sister-in-law her fiance see they were in the engaged canoe they're in the love boat we're in the titanic engaged canoeing was awesome he's in the back steering like you do she's up front spotting for rocks left honey a little more left all right my little navigator bunny then they would hit a rock well that was my fault no that was my but you are so awesome you are more hot than that was with him they would hit rocks argue over who was more awesome and then make out just disgusting sick sick fish were puking meanwhile in the married canoe canoe my wife's up in front i'm in the back she's up there left okay left we need to go try your other left genius holy mother of dumb have you forgotten you're left from your right seriously have you ever known the difference have you been guessing for 32 years then we get the canoe in the water mary canoeing was two hours of staring at the back of her knacking skull then down at my paddle and then back at her skull oh you should have worn a helmet [Music] when american hits a rock you're gonna kill us both man you got it half right so if you're married you both understand that impulse to kill but you don't you don't when you're married you never hit or kill your spouse and that's married love it's all the proof you need when you're married right you still love me baby you woke up didn't you hey you guys you've been wonderful good night everybody good night good night my name is ben washburn and i have been doing stand-up comedy for a living for 26 years and i've been doing this for 26 years and i still have to tell you who i am i'm glad you think that's funny that's how it's been going not famous and i'm a comic nobody's heard of in fact when you're not a famous comic and you are funny people are surprised you're surprised they'll come up to me man you are not bad it's confusion it's like a something people believe if you're comic and you're not funny it's because you're incompetent that's fair right if you're not famous for doing it you're not good at doing it that's fair i think that's a standard we should apply to everybody what you do for a living sir what's your job structural engineer i hate to say this but you don't look familiar [Applause] what's your name kevin miller kevin miller never heard of you you must suck [Music] must be pretty bad i mean no offense i'd still hire you because you're all i can afford because i'm not famous uh that's how it goes so you know how it feels don't you not being not being famous it's awful life is awful every time we meet someone we have to tell them our name it's humiliating you have to tell them our name because we're not famous and then they have to tell us their name because they're not famous either then of course we instantly forget each other's names because neither of us are famous why remember you know it's a meaningless interaction it's humiliating this is anybody famous here tonight do we have any famous [Music] not one famous person this is a ludicrous meeting okay well we'll do what we do of course people wonder this uh they'll say bent you're not famous how did you get this sweet dry bar gig if you're not famous well first i told them i was somebody else and then i didn't let them find out who i actually was until it was too late see tell me you're someone else don't let them find out who you are until it's too late uh too late it's a lot like running for office you know showbiz and politics long ago won all right and of course the longer you're not famous the worse it gets the older you get and not famous because see there's this thing a young comic you say well they're not famous yet there's still time they could pan out they probably won't that's the business but it could it's more awkward when a comic my age has a bad set it's way more awkward because there's still hope with a young comic they have a bad set you go well at least they're young at least she's young she hopefully she gets better one day she's famous she makes her parents proud right i have a bad set well at least his parents aren't alive to see this [Applause] are they dead i hope they're dead they're not don't show them this for goodness sakes it's the last thing a parent should see is it's a premium on youth isn't there in our culture in this business it's magnified and i learned this when i was in my early 40s how you just have to look young for this business and i was in la i had a good set so did all the other young comics early 30s 20s they had good sets after the show there's a man in a suit very important looking across the crowd he was eyeing all the comics and we thought oh this is he's a manager he's an agent he's coming towards us somebody's going to get a break who will it be the older guy who's paid his dues one of the youngsters he came straight to me only i got his card was he a manager was he an agent no he was a plastic surgeon oh and i got his last card by the way plastic surgeon with one card 300 people i got the card what does that say [Applause] and i i asked him you think i need surgery i don't i mean i've been thinking about but you think i need sir i'm not ugly he said we'll come by my office sometime we can talk about it and i said well can't you just eyeball a diagnosis in fact did you not just eyeball a diagnosis [Music] when you gave me your last card making me the winner of your little ugly contest right there can can't they just eyeball it does anybody know or are these plastic surgeons like all the other doctors you know they take your pulse and they weigh you and measure your height and there's blood samples urine samples stool samples do plastic surgeons do that call you a few weeks later with the results from the lab well we got your results back sir and uh you do not look good much worse than we thought we we found ugly in your blood your urine and your stool high levels in your stool you are but ugly [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i think you should do something about this immediately this is if you don't want to die like this i recommend emergency elective surgery first thing monday morning i'm going to cancel all the other appointments they'll be kind of upset because they're a little ugly too but i'm going to show them your picture they'll understand [Applause] and then you would say well this is weird i did not even feel ugly and he would say well you've probably been ugly for years [Applause] you just got used to it as did everyone around you this is what the plastic surgeon told me which i kind of admitted he said like you said you know you're just getting a little older and he's right especially in this business why look a little older when you can get some plastic surgery and look creepy [Music] [Applause] that's not fair because it works a little plastic surgery looks great i have friends who've done a little and it looks awesome they do a little more it looks great they do a little too much and that's how it is there's no such thing as a little too much across the threshold and bammo it's it's like you adjust you make another adjustment and then it all falls apart with the last little it's like playing django with your face and uh and i'll probably do it i'm probably gonna because i worry about i will i'll do it and i'll lose i'll lose playing jenga with my face show my family christmas party and of course my four older brothers are gonna bug me about that one whoo bent i see you got a little work done a little bit it looks like a little too much work looked like yeah is this the look you were going for were you surprised you look surprised [Applause] you look shocked frankly it's like there's an air horn somewhere and you're the only one that can hear it see what it looks like [Applause] but a little straight i'll do that show's going well uh i mean for someone who's not famous it's pretty good didn't swear once i'm pretty proud [Applause] career is going well now it actually is i mean i'm not famous but it's when i started it was awful i got to be honest when i started company i was a 30 year old man living in a tent divorced and living in a tent at 30. that's when i started divorced and living in a tent which was i could have like slept on couches but i wanted the tent so that i'd have more privacy for crying uh turns out uh it's very hard to cry in a tent in the woods first time i did that i started crying and then i heard something outside just yeah i couldn't get out of my head if you're crying in the woods there's a bear or a mountain lion thinking hey is that a wounded animal it was in that tent and it was tough you don't want to tell it's tougher for kids that's who divorce is horrible for they live in two different worlds now that's very hard with different rules those irreconcilable differences two different places affect like my daughter she's with her mom who's very neat and tidy bedtime at eight do your homework bedtime at eight and very kind not like me nice you know like oh don't say stupid honey stupid's a bad word that robs people of their dignity then she comes to my house you know bedtime at eight that's stupid and sometimes she would correct us with rules from her mom's house like oh grandma you said stupid my mom says the word stupid is bad my mom says the word stupid robs people of their dignity and then my mom has to defend her position you know oh honey stupid people don't have any dignity [Applause] they lose that when they do something stupid just just ask your dad well he knows living in a tent puck tent can't even stand or wrecked in his shelter it's really it's not a shelter it's a tent it's not a shelter when you can get killed in your sleep by a lawn dart but had a blunt mom she was great very blunt i didn't tell people i was going through this bad thing for a long time and then finally started telling people about the embarrassing ten divorce situation and when you tell a lot of your friends and family that you you're divorced you soon find out which of your friends and family should also probably be divorced based on their response told one of my brothers man i'm divorced and living in a tent he said man i kind of envy your freedom that's a bad sign for a marriage if you're jealous of a homeless man's freedom that should never if you see someone sleeping on a bench in a park at noon and you think man my wife would never let me do look at that lucky guy noon sleeping peacefully unmolested whole bench to himself look at that i didn't know you can turn it around that's the beauty of life you can turn life can turn around you make some good decisions in a row you just hold it together and this is an amazing true thing this is totally true i met my wife of 18 years while living in that tent isn't that amazing here's how but here's here's how blind date it's crazy huh thank goodness for horrible friends they lined her up with a homeless dude they didn't even i don't know what they told her well he loves the he's outdoors he's good with knots he smells like deet but you won't have to worry about gnats or mosquitoes on your date we dated all summer well i lived in that tent all summer and then i know for me things got really serious in the fall as it got colder and then buried happily extended so it's going well it is it has been going well in fact this is how well it's going i bought new clothes for this show totally new clothes i know the pants don't look new but they are that's that's how expensive they are see all the fading that's pre-faded yeah you pay extra for that i i remember this how old i am i remember when pre-washed jeans were the rage then they came out with pre-worn and then somewhere in like the 80s they came up with pre-destroyed mauled shredded pants and my first thought was how do you get out the blood stains [Applause] it looks like you just pulled those out of the hamper at the emergency room wow this guy got stabbed in the groin that's great it's crazy and then the kids want them and it's awkward as a parent to buy a teenager a pair of those pants because as a parent you want to make your teenager feel grateful slash guilty about everything you buy for them and it's hard to do with these pens it doesn't work verbally well you are lucky kiddo i hope you appreciate why when i was your age we had to wear out our own clothing if i wanted pants like that i'd have to i don't know get mauled by the a badger from the waist down roll around in bleach no our clothes were new we looked ridiculous i couldn't afford to pay someone to mess up our pants like that it's amazing people get paid to do that somewhere over the ocean there's kids like messing up these fat or maybe not maybe they just wear out their pants and ship them here maybe the teenagers are wearing secondhand third world clothing [Applause] it's possible but actually that's not what's going on they're in a factory just a young kid in a factory like 14 wearing perfectly new pants because that's all he can afford he's like going at him with a fork and a saw and sandblaster and then man americans are crazy this is weird and now i can't now that i can afford the really torn up crappy pants i can't wear those at my age you can't get away with ironic poverty [Applause] so i won't look hip or look homeless again [Laughter] can't get away with irony and sarcasm as much uh i find that's an age difference at my age it's hard to it's hard to get away with sarcasm because young people just think you're being mean at my age so i was kidding i don't think you were it was irony i was being ironic really at your age plus what is and isn't mean has just changed the boundaries of propriety and i lose track i'm always inappropriate at that like this happened i was joking around i was buying televisions i was gonna buy a new not i was gonna buy multiples buying a television things aren't going that well and uh [Applause] and all the tvs out in front of me and i'm trying to choose them and i got it down to you know like between a sony that's like a japanese television brand a sony and a samsung and an lg i'm looking like seven or eight screens for like 40 minutes and i just can't figure out which to get and finally i turn to the clerk and i say you know what i hate to admit this but to me i think all asian televisions look alike that's a joke come on because that's what he did he kind of shook it off like come on i was joking and i can't tell the difference between asian televisions they all look the same he could tell of course he can he's korean you could tell yeah he's korean or japanese i can't tell but [Applause] the point is is that racist i don't think it is it's just i'm stupid i've never an inexperienced i've never had the opportunity to see those two different nationalities next to each other you know i didn't have it in college i i never took a math class i never that was a little racist but but also accurate i never took math i guess some people would say i'm racist i don't think i i know this i'm definitely less racist than my great-grandparents this changes over time did you know this racism wasn't even that term wasn't even coined until 1902 1902 they came up with that word which seems a little late to be doing something that much and not even have a word for it hundreds of years and it makes me wonder what horrible thing are we doing now that we don't even have a word for and then your kids are going to come up with that word young people and they're going to throw it in your face like grandpa you were a swigler we were all swindlers everybody squiggled it was a different world [Music] yes we accumulated debt we lived beyond our means we swiggled yes do you know why we accumulated all that debt because it's expensive to ruin the earth costs money to make all nuclear weapons and chemical weapons big piles of them cost money they got to pay someone to guard that all that plastic in the ocean you think that was free no we had to buy that throw it in there and buy some more do you know if we had to spend that money right now right now it would only be two degrees warmer instead of six do you know that takes money to turn up the heat we hadn't done that but right now you'd be wearing a sweater you're welcome and those torn pants would be a bit chilly wouldn't they you're welcome for that i don't know that's a touchy subject global warming very political the weather is now the most political hot topic used to be literally small talk now it'll start a fight and i bring it up and everybody's wondering does he believe in global warming and i will answer your question by asking you a question do you believe in global warming because honestly whatever you believe that's what i'll believe if i hang out with you long enough that's how we work this problem i think the problem is uh it's just too easy to believe stuff humans are really susceptible to believing stuff do you know this humans will believe just about anything if we hear it three times if you hear something three times you'll believe it do you believe me or do i need to tell you one more time is how it works this is how it works you'll hear something crazy the first time you might not believe it maybe you heard this maybe this swept through provo you thought did you hear this you know the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep every year you heard that your brain said that couldn't be right but a couple days later you heard someone else did you know the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep every year and your brain says you know i think i've heard that before then a couple days later you're with someone they said you know the average person swallows eight spiders yeah in their sleep every year i know i'm not an idiot [Music] all right i hear stuff i remember it and i believe it i'm like you i'm self-educated all right an age just average that's average okay that's the average it depends on where you live depending on how many i've noticed this once you believe just kind of bs that you hear you will add your own flavors and spices it's the average if you live way up north it's too cold not as many spiders to swallow plus more beards per capita so the spiders can't get over the beards while you're sleeping that drops the average you live by the equator it's way too big the spiders are too big to swallow no one swallows a tarantula in their sleep that drives the average down what drives the average up is the temperate climate like through north america there where there's trillions of bite-sized spiders living there in the spider belt or arachnid alley depending on which term you hear three times this word is just susceptible we can all you can end up with this dumb opinion you ever had one sure if you haven't then you definitely have some that's so it works and man it's easy to form a dumb opinion and keep it the smart opinions are tough right right you got to learn stuff and think critical and there's logic and stupid opinions are way easier you form them easier to defend too like a smart opinion you gotta sight evidence no stupid opinion this is how you defend a stupid opinion you're ready for this to say you defend you say do it well that's not that's that's what i heard you can just cite hearing it as evidence that it's true if it's a dumb enough opinion well i've heard it like three times okay everybody's saying it any idiot knows yeah we consulted the idiots we thought well let's see what the idiots are saying it's really easy to defend they're all so easy to attack this is how you attack a stupid opinion right they say do it well that's not what i heard you would just cite not hearing it as evidence that it's not true you expect me to believe there's something true i haven't heard at least three times this is the first time i'm hearing this and none of the idiots look i'm an idiot and then you get defensive we do that people get defensive huh they're like will you call me a liar no maybe i'm just saying maybe you heard something that's not true like three times then believe it i'm not calling i'm not calling you a liar i'm calling you stupid you say i'm stupid you're saying i'm stupid well that's what i heard several times it's your wife all the idiots did you hear it three times believe it here's what's here's what's weird hit confirmation bias you heard of that i have several times confirmation bias is the part of us that if we hear something that matches what we already believe then we'll believe it the first time we hear it so now you're believing stuff the first time you hear it if it matches up the stuff you heard three times see what i mean this is how it works like do you know the average person swallows about 18 insects in their sleep every i believe it we're already swallowing like eight spiders that's probably why they go in there they're chasing the bugs what's going on it's a wonder anybody starves frankly so that's the way it is with i think with global warming it's one of these things there's definitely a generational difference with the global warming that's like my daughter a whole different feeling about there's a warm day in winter here a little while ago it's like last year she was seven and she came home from school scared talking about global warming she was since she was scared by a warm winter day when as a kid we enjoyed a warm winter day it was fun because we didn't see it as a symptom of impending doom so we enjoyed it the same way you would enjoy sudden weight loss until you find out it's an intestinal parasite fun and actually is a lot worse i don't know if you know that if you're not old enough to remember the environment was actually much worse for a while we made progress we should take be happy about that a lot of the air way worse way way worse it was so bad the environment was so bad we noticed it us the scientists didn't have to tell us there was a problem you know like with global warming would you notice that on your own really if you live by a glacier yes you would you'd look out your window and say wow we've got a yard now full of boulders when did that happen but like global warming the ocean it used to go up like a little under two millimeters now it's going up about almost four millimeters a year but really would you notice on your own that change in depth when you went to the beach would you go hey the ocean seem a little deeper to you this year this seems a little deeper if you notice that yeah and it's a bit more acidic did you taste it see zinnia isn't it's more acidy i think you're right i think this beach could use a couple tablespoons of baking powder whereas it was so bad it was so nasty we didn't need a scientist to tell us in the 70s that there was a problem when in 1973 the cuyahoga river in ohio burst into flames see what i mean any idiot knows there's a problem when there's a flammable river it doesn't need to be a scientist you don't even need a ged for that he's probably some junior high dropout down smoking by the river because it was good for you and he like threw the butt in the river and i was like oh that is not supposed to do that that is uh i'm not a scientist but i'm pretty sure that's supposed to distinguish my cigarette it is this is spreading like a son of a gun well yeah call the fire department but tell them to check their water that's it we might have had us a pair of dickham shift here this flaming river and i feel bad for the scientists in a way because they have to try to communicate this stuff to us to a guy like me for years i thought well why can't you explain it to me many people will explain it to me and they're like ben we can't you're too stupid what do you mean i'm too remember earlier how you didn't take math that's the problem you don't get it and then they have to try to not only point out something you wouldn't notice that make you worried about it and they're not always the best at marketing global warming warmth bad word if you want to mobilize people don't put warm in the title oh no worm will it also be toasty right warm is at worst inconvenient at worst like dang it my kitkat melted completely wrapper all the contest instructions covered with chocolate i have to lick off this rapper to see if i'm a winner [Music] worm's not scary now in the 70s bad problem genius marketing whoever came up this great idea to mobilize people what's scarier global warming acid rain that'll get your attention acid will be raining out of the sky you want all the information and details well what kind of acid holy cow what kind of acid like sulfuric battery acid what i do do i pull my car in the garage that kind of acid or is my hippie dippy neighbor gonna run outside with his mouth open [Applause] is this a party or a problem that'll get your attention anybody's attention acid rain that's that's that is crazy that's even old testament crazy even the old testament god would like ease up with you know what moses let's hold off on the acid rain maybe just not yeah second thought let's hold off on the acid rain let's uh let's see how they respond after we kill all their firstborn you guys have been great good night you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,402,133

Rating: 4.7936835 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Bengt Washburn, Bengt Wasburn Dry Bar Comedy, Bengt Washburn Comedy, Bengt Washburn Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Double Feature, Full Comedy Special, Acid Rain, Ugly, plastic Surgeon, Learning Chinese, German

Id: OMnPAn4L5Hs

Length: 78min 13sec (4693 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 12 2021