Stay Single As Long As You Can. Kabir Singh - Full Special

she will say the meanest stuff to me but i can't break up with her because i'm not going back to the gym do you have any single people here any single ladies in the house are you single no do any single ladies single ladies in house any single ladies gotta have one one over there what's your name young lady ariel well that's part of it i uh you're dating a fish no no she's a person everybody calm down all right her name's ariel ariel what do you look for in a guy first thing to look for in a guy ariel you should how are you still single i don't know everybody here has something i'm leaving that's good though stay single it's nice yeah right you don't need them right do we have any single guys here any single guys single gentlemen anybody what are some guys at single right here single what's your name buddy you're jake shocking you look like a jake if i were to guess does this guy not look like the wikipedia version of jake if there was ever a jake it would be you this guy looks like the boise state quarterback over here jake over here just catch the ball please jake what do you look for in a young lady jake kind no you're a liar jake you don't look for kindness jake [Music] i found somebody with nothing i found somebody jake's over here he's got nothing [Applause] ariel right here found jake let me know if you if you want to go hiking or something jake's over there i'll bring snacks i want nothing i want you to show up with nothing jake stay single bro it's way easier man are you guys dating over here dating married ugh could you imagine how guys married for 12 years how'd you guys mean through friends white people stuff all right no big deal only white people have friends by the way nobody else i have a girlfriend now it's awful we've been out for four years we hate each other she will say the meanest stuff to me but i can't break up with her because i'm not going back to the gym they're running in there jake [Music] my girlfriend and i we just went on vacation together we got in this huge fight in the hotel room she won a level three flip out ladies you know what that is yelling crying throwing stuff in the hotel room she starts threatening me she's like i'm gonna jump out the window she's like i'm gonna jump out the window because the way you make me feel i hate you i was like oh snap i panicked i run downstairs i wake up the manager i'm like hey man wake up be my girlfriend who's got this huge fight he's like that's not my problem if the look man i don't think you get it she wants to jump out the window she's going nuts i need your help he's like that's not my problem i was like it is your problem the window is stuck this is my only way out sir just go up there we both decided to have a hall pass i know you guys know what a hall pass is for somebody to know what a hall pass is we're both allowed to pick one person that will allow to hook up with if we ever get the opportunity to meet usually a celebrity and the other person can't get mad at them so my girlfriend picked the uh the actor from um aquaman jay i don't i did i ask for his name did i ask for his name i don't like him i looked him up very very handsome and i saw his girlfriend and she was super hot so i was like good luck with that i don't think it's happening i have jake's number do you want to call jake are you kind because that's not a kind answer she's like whatever jerk who's your hall pass i was like my hall pass is elizabeth from applebee's i'm not gonna waste my hall pass that would be stupid she's right over there i know our schedule like the back of my hand [Applause] good luck deep sea diving for this dude say hi to ariel while you're down there i have to keep my girlfriend because i'll never find another girlfriend i'm terrible at dates i always try to say funny stuff all funny stuff all the time i have no filter like i remember the last day i was on is this woman she started opening up right like not in a good way emotionally in a very unkind way [Music] she's like you know when i was eight years old my dad went out to get hamburgers for the whole family and never came back and i was like oh mike those must have been some amazing hamburgers do you remember where he went i want some did he help it we should find your father could you imagine a hamburger so good where you just leave your family you just take one bite i'm not going back i won't go back you gotta go back what about your kids my parents want me to get an arranged marriage yeah for some of you guys that don't know what an arranged marriage is that's in my culture where a guy's dad will call the girl's parents and they'll just get them married without even meeting i thought that was an awful idea until i saw my cousin's wife wow she is super hot my cousin looks like something out of narnia i saw them together i was like uh sign me up dude like what a ring think about how cool could be in america right think about okube single guys think about it you're at a club you have the hottest girl in the club you're like hey baby you want to dance she's like ah no then you could say ah well too bad my dad talked to your dad and guess what we're dancing i'm kind don't try that by the way don't you do it my best friend is white he always tries to categorize me recently was like hey uh hey man you're indian right i'm like that's right so you're from india i was like way to go steve you nailed it he's all right india's in asia i guess that makes you asian i was like nah man asians are chinese japanese vietnamese all the nieces it's like my bad you're not asian i guess it makes you what like middle eastern right i'm like whoa whoa whoa asian it is take it easy buddy don't start that again am i right do we have any middle easterners here tonight yeah all right looks like i'm skipping the next joke right how to make sure it only takes one all right jk jk everybody [Music] i like this i feel at home i like it racism goes all the way though like you know people go listen white people you know there's a lot of racism against white people too right have you seen these documentaries on serial killers my god every episode oh no that's no good everyone i back you up i got your back i'm like you know this is racist not all white people are serial killers the problem is all serial killers are white and that's as far as i can go what else can i do and it's not like it's white people's fault it's not like in your blood it's just white people only people in the world that can be serial killers why you're the only people in the world that can get away with eight unsolved murders in a row there's no other ethnicity that can do that it's not your fault this is you're the only one that can do it so why not you don't think black people want to be serials of course they do they can't could you imagine a black spirit he would get pulled over on the way to getting supplies he'll just be driving minding your own business what seems to be the problem officer your tail is out no it's not officer down i mean is that indians hispanics asians we can't be serial killers our family's way too nosy my mom's a snitch my mom would sniff that out it is a rope what happened in the duct tape it is a bleach damn mom get out of my room i'm checking your trunk you can't go in the truck mom there's people in there why are you doing this you raised me i'm trying to make a name for myself that's what you wanted right mother my mom hates me i have two sisters one's a doctor one's a lawyer and i'm this i'm doing dry bar comedy my mom hates me my mom's favorite day of the year is halloween because for one day a year her son's a doctor which is very mean my mom said nah dude every time i upset her she makes me do weird stuff like a punishment that i don't even see coming until it happens last year she made me take my cousin trick-or-treating for halloween i was like of course i will i don't care i love halloween let's go i'll go pick up my cousin 11 year old indian kid you know what he's dressed like a slurpee us i wanted to knock the straw off his head i'm like why are you dressed like a slurpee you're indian people make fun of us about this why would you decide to dress yourself up like a slurpee but i couldn't say any of that because i was dressed like aladdin i could say nothing i was like just hop on the carpet it's gonna be a long ride it's the worst my mom's the boss of my family though i can't say no to her my mom is my dad i didn't realize how useless my dad was until i was eight years old when i asked him for some permission he apparently had no authority of giving me while my mom was out of the house at grocery shopping right i'm eight years old dude i go up to my dad i'm like hey dad can i go play into sprinklers he's like you want to go play into sprinklers buddy you go ahead you have a good time don't you buddy buddy don't you buddy [Laughter] i was like i wasn't worried until you said that three times father but now i'm very worried thank you five minutes later i'm the sprinklers having the time of my life and then guess who shows up i don't know or my mom like a falcon she just lands at a sidewalk piss she just shows up she's like hey what do you think you're doing i was like i'm playing in a sprinkler she's like who told you point them out who told you i would like to meet the person that told you i just want to say hello to the person that said it was okay to play in the sprinklers can i meet him please can i please i'm like mom dad told me i could play into sprinkles relax she's like oh you asked your father for permission you might as well have asked a banana a banana bro and then my dad sells me out cause he's scared of my mom right she's like did you tell him he could play into sprinklers he's like i don't even know this guy who is this guy i'm like it's your son father [Laughter] of course my mom just learned how to start text messaging people and by people i mean me my mom text messages me the most useless text messages in the history of text messages i got one from her the other day i swear to you this is what it said verbatim i whip it out it says oh my god the remote is not working it goes on same text same thread i think it is broken better oh wait never mind i have fixed it don't you buddy buddy don't you buddy i'm like mom i come home like why would you send this after you fix the remote why does your text messages have indian accents i don't like any of this she's a sweetheart i love doing stand-up comedy this is my favorite thing to do all comics are we're all broke not me i'm doing okay but most comics are broke they're just fine don't you worry buddy but i do like being broke though you know it's fun being rich is boring when you're broke every day's an adventure i like it right when you're broke every day you wake up you're like if anything happens i'm done it's like a video game okay get the thursday follow me i've been there let's go i checked the mail the other day i got a bill it said final notice on it i was like thank god looks like i won't have to deal with this anymore right wow i was getting very worried i win [Laughter] it's tough to pay bills even if you have money there are too many passwords how are we supposed to remember this i'm a person not a cloud i got the verizon bill last week i gotta crack the davinci code to pay this it took too long that was gonna take two minutes i called on like what's up verizon it's me kabir sing let's do this they're like what's your account number i'm like four seven eight nine four three two where do you live 2000 walnut avenue what's your date of birth 12 30 84 now what let's go he's like what's your bill pay password i was like you bastard i built i don't know what that is this should have been the first question am i right i don't know what that is please let me just pay this please please he's like i can't i need your bill pay password but i have good news for you in case you forgot you set up a password hint so of course i did i'm always one step ahead of the game homie how dare you what's my hints he's like your hint is turtles i was like oh no i was like i don't know any turtles i've never seen a turtle sir please let me just pay this so we can move on with our lives please he's like i can't i need your bill pay password i need to make sure it's you i'm like who is out there paying other people's bills nobody steals some dude's identity and goes up to your friends like let's pay all the stuff off that doesn't happen it's the opposite he's like please let me just pay this you know what my password turned out to be it turned out to be rocket because turtles are slow and rockets are fast [Music] thank you jack daniels and marijuana for that combination [Laughter] what normal person would do that i got the new iphone with siri on it you guys have siri serious racist theory only to understand why people that's why you only see why people use siri on commercials every commercial why people be siri could you tell michael and jason that me and ben are on the way please bp messes then i use it with my indian cousin's names and all hell breaks loose right and i use it i'm like siri could you tell rod jinder pretender and sit tinder that me and priya are on the way please we located five seven elevens in your area i'm like why we made you traitor i won't stand for it indians get made in funder for a lot of stuff too some stuff is true right like indians will bargain i don't even know this indians will bargain anytime anywhere we'll bargain while we're getting robbed robbed i've seen it hey put your hands up okay buddy hear me out how about i put one hand up okay everybody calm down it's like how about i shoot you in the face how about you just stab me in v caller today okay just give me all your stuff how about i give you half my stuff and you give me your watch it's a very good deal you're not calm that's why you never see any indians on deal or no deal it would take too long it would just be four hours some indian guy yelling no neil no thank you it's like we haven't even offered you anything yet sir you're in line i actually had the opportunity to do shows in india which was a blast i don't know if you know this but we don't use toilet paper in india did you guys know that no we use water in our hands because we believe that's more uh hygienic and uh better for the environment which is fine with me but the problem is they told me this eight days into the trip after i high-fived half of new delhi i was like when no wonder that was me my cousin was pumped to see me though he wanted to impress me the first place he took me to was an amusement park that sounds like fun right roller coasters in a third world country [Laughter] i'm already afraid of heights now i'm on a wooden roller coaster in bangladesh i'm just going up this like i'm going to die there's no way i'm going to survive this my cousin looks at me it's like don't buddy buddy these roller coasters are just like the ones in america don't you buddy buddy don't you buddy okay like hi cool i look down i see two indians pulling a rope one of them gave me a thumbs up i'm like put your hand back in the road bro there's people up here and then i thought to myself wow that rope must smell like poop i wouldn't touch that rope no i'm glad i'm not single dude it's rough it's rough out there dating i used to hit on white girls all the time you guys are the worst why girl's gonna be super racist remember last time i was hitting on a white girl she was like hey you want to go back to my place i was like hell yeah i go back to her place jimmy fixed the computer while she passed out on the couch it's not nice i've also i've actually always wanted a latina girlfriend do we latinas in house latin i love latina i've always wanted a latina girlfriend i'm just not ready to start a family i think this has gone very well dry bar that's been my time my name is kabir singh was a privilege and honorable boy for you guys thank you so much i love you guys thank you guys that means a lot guys hopefully i'll see you guys in the future you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 468,452

Rating: 4.8800254 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Kabir Singh, Kabir Singh Dry Bar Comedy, Kabir Singh Comedian, Kabir Singh Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Kabir Singh Comedy Special, Dating, Stay Single, Arranged Marriage, single life, dbc

Id: 3CYCXAXPWaQ

Length: 23min 38sec (1418 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 18 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/tonystarkclone]

Said the 'going on 5 years single guy' who can't get a girl to date him. Bahaha.