The Pros And Cons Of Dating Smart People. Drew Barth - Full Special

and then she'll list a bunch of facts and I'll say and that's it and it's very happy to be here very excited to be here I I'm very excited in general next month I'm celebrating my one-year wedding anniversary I haven't talked to my wife in about eight hours actually which is at this point a little bit longer than I like to leave her alone with her thoughts I guess we're still starting out so my plan is basically just every morning I wake up and convince her once again this is a really good idea and we can't return our wedding gifts so hopefully it all works out I love being married though it's great it's like dating with consequences it's uh it's a lot of fun and people ask me like why did you get married why to propose to your wife and there are a lot of reasons definitely but really chief among them is that my wife is smarter than I am and if you can date somebody smarter I highly recommend doing that it is it's a fantastic way to go just surround yourself with smart people in general if you can I know dumb people are fun I'm not gonna deny that and if you're dumb thank you it's really entertaining for everybody else but but if you swap out your dumb friends for smart friends it's a lot less funny but you're gonna cut way down on the number of text messages you get at 2:00 in the morning thank you to you that nobody asks for $200 that you can't ask about or anything that's gone so and if you can date somebody smarter than you I highly recommend doing that as a matter of fact if you're dating somebody here tonight one of you is smarter than the other that's just a fact no two people get together that are the exact same level of intelligence one person is going to be smart it's a matter fact clap if you think you're the smart person in your relationship boy was that a mixed bag yes I like they were a handful of people out there they're like nope the smart person doesn't clap right here I know that this is a trap I was so interesting to watch yet I saw some couples where both people worked like oh all right no we're not done talking about this actually we're gonna talk about this on the way home as a matter of fact I also saw some couples where people were definitely together and neither person was clapping which is cute cuz that can mean one of two things there's option a which could be like hey I'm not clapping because I think that your spa oh wait you're not clapping because you think that's just do you want to get some gelato on the wall because this is you want to adopt a puppy we're wonderful that's possible that could exist is option a but you have to admit could also be option B which is like hey I'm not clapping because I think you're and you're not clapping cuz you think oh all right are we done I didn't know that that's I that's not good no I don't remember where we parked the car actually that's one date smarter if you possibly can and I say smart and not clever cuz there's a big difference between smart people and clever people there are a couple of people nodding out there who've dated clever people before then I'm sorry and right now if you're sitting there and you're like I'm not sure if the person I'm with is smart or clever well they're clever that's how that's how they work but it's just a totally different thing between dating smart and clever people and it really comes out when you get into any sort of argument like if I get in an argument with my wife who's smarter than me it usually plays out just kind of like hey you know what sweetie I think I'm right and then she'll say no I actually I think I'm right now I'll be like fine you tell me why you think you're right and then she'll list a bunch of facts and I'll say and that's it and it's it's over it's really quick but there's a lot of time left in the evening to get more things wrong which is very helpful but clever people it's a totally different thing it's a totally different way of arguing because clever people don't use facts they just bring up times that you've been wrong in the past to completely invalidate your arguments somebody had experience with this before it's like trying to date a negative political attack ad against you you go so when you come out and you're like hey sweetheart I'm gonna go hang out with guys tonight watch the game I'm pretty sure I told you about this last week that she comes back with oh really Dru Barth says that he's pretty sure he mentioned last week he was going out with the guys tonight but isn't this also the same drew Barth that was pretty sure the movie started at 8:15 last night and we know how that one turned out it isn't this the same drew part that was pretty sure he ordered more flee medicine for the cats online wrong again are we really going to trust a man who doesn't even know what drawer the big spoons go in don't this Thursday vote no on drew going out and having a good time with his friends his drew Barth wrong on big spoons wrong on everything [Applause] [Music] [Applause] is that brought to you by the woman who knows where the big foods go yes I know a lot of people feel pressure to get married we didn't really feel much pressure the only pressure I actually felt was when I actually went to go shop for the engagement ring because I'd never been engagement ring shopping before last time I even got a little bit close I ended up getting in a fight with a girl I was dating it was not even over buying the truth it was just a jewelry commercial we saw on TV we were in kind of that weird sort of where's this going kind of place and then we were sitting on the couch watching TV and one of those De Beers diamond commercials came on and he used to end with a diamond is forever and the girl I was dating looked over at me and she's like you know what diamond is forever I was like I know so it was styrofoam actually thank you why are you crying hold on a second I'm just saying it's a lot cheaper than thing you'd never lose your ring in the pool think about that just do ya boat key chain or just float I feel so sorry for guys when I see some of these jewelry commercials because I know that they're targeted just towards guys and not towards women their commercials that come on like during a football game and the guys like oh that oh that must be what she wants oh good I'll get her one of those that open-heart whale tail necklace thing the doctor Quinn Medicine Woman is selling I don't know I don't know if it's a keychain or what but I'll bet you like the Pandora bracelet though with a little charms on it where there's a woman at the party you can tell so much about my life by looking at my bracelet you can tell you've been to Paris there's the Eiffel Tower and I like horses because there's a horse here there's the bottle of wine cuz I'm bad at forming interpersonal relationships with that ad for the levy on chocolate diamonds you can't tell me that some dude didn't get a bonus that year cuz I care to you they were sitting around a big boardroom meeting and they were like alright item number one what do we do with all the ugly brown diamonds and one dude in the back was like ladies love chocolate they're like whoa where did that come from that Phil all right Phil gets a Lexus this year good for you Phil actually even Lexus does a commercial that feels like one of those over the top jewelry ads they do it every year around Christmas time for their big December to remember the big year-end event they have a car in the driveway with a big bow on top of it and the commercial husband or wife out there that's cool I wish just once they would zoom in on the house to show the kids in the windows being like well guess I'm not getting that bike this year all right that's not good dad messed up I told you this isn't good for us so no he's getting out of this one I love being married though I love living with a woman it's great I don't run out of stuff anymore especially in the bathroom and guys who live by themselves know that's a problem sometimes some sometimes he'll just get in the shower in the morning but there's no soap in here I'm fresh out of ideas all right I'll just turn the water up hotter hey yes scrub really hard with a loofah you know my wife will buy multiple bottles of shampoo at a time it's a brilliant idea it is never crossed my mind at all I bought one one bottle of shampoo and then when it gets to the end unscrew the top hold it up to the shower oh you people have all done this you know what I am a little little shampoo cocktail for yourself there all right this is gonna be the same thing Wow that goes right in the ice look at that maybe if you like me you dive into the sink you bust out the hotel miniatures you've been stealing for the past 14 years all right Candlewood Suites what do we got today blueberry all right I wouldn't normally use blueberry shampoo but I really have much of an option yeah and this is uh this is moisturizer yuck I'm just gonna be shiny all day all right I like our apartment I like our bathrooms I have one gripe with our bathroom though and it's the way that it's set up it's configured in such a way where when you're standing in the shower and you pull back on the shower curtain that main mirror is right there and I'm not usually ready for that like cuz normally if you're gonna be naked in front of a mirror you kind of psych yourself up a little bit right here comes the mirror hood he just flex the whole time here I'm trying you look pretty good today all right just brush your teeth here we go putting my contact lens all right you deserve a pizza good for you all right somehow I forget every morning I get done with my shower and turn off the water put my shampoo back pull back the shower Kurt I'd rather see a Puma in my bathroom that my naked disappointed foggy self lychee pegaron also whoever was that design the mirror to go down to here we need to talk because I've also discovered that kind of my personal self confidence in my body is directly correlated to wherever I wrapped the towel around myself like some dudes wrap it around here stop it uh I like to go like right if I could wrap it around my neck that'd be like a cape poncho kind of thing that's that's the look I'd like my wife and I would do try and get into good shape for for our wedding I've never really not really had kind of a physical fitness goal to get towards my wife does like to watch a lot of soccer and and if you've ever watched soccer with a girl it is because those players are ridiculously good-looking uh and in tremendous shape and it's actually kind of like a level of physical fitness that I feel like anybody can attain which i think is why it's kind of even harder to watch like I don't want to just see a whole bunch of me if I actually applied myself like this I think that's part of the reason why soccers had trouble catching on in the US the way it has with the rest of the world is that we like our athletes to just be genetic freaks so they will be watching we're like well I'll never be that big or that muscular so I don't even have to try awesome ice where's that cheese blizzard I was working on again and you can actually even watch other sporting events with a girl and feel okay about yourself you can watch the NFL it'd be like sweetheart would you like it opposed you know six six two hundred and fifty pounds would you even want that too many muscles we couldn't fit on the couch when we watch Grey's Anatomy you'd scare the cat you'll watch the NBA with the girls sweet how would you like it if I was you know six foot eight like that guy would you want that cuz we like to spoon and then just be like maybe like a spoon and a ladle just but if you try watching soccer with a girl they're like sweetheart would you like it if I was you know 6% body fat at a fauxhawk spoke Italian sweetie yeah I really would I'm just saying you can do it you guys are the same height he's older than you looks great finish your burrito burrito just just saying he probably doesn't get winded when we make out it's fair point let's go boy I do do belong to a gym somewhere pretty sure not quite sure where this 16 dollars coming out of my checking account every month they haven't really tracked it down yeah but I did used to belong to one gym where the kind of one of the cool perks was that every month you got one free personal training session with one of their big trainers which is cool cuz I don't know anything about working out but it always would frustrate me because I would always get one of these huge hulking dudes who would never really convey how difficult it was the exercise that they were gonna have you do they would just kind of assume you were in fantastic shape this dude will be like alright man here's what you're gonna do you need to come over you're gonna sit down on this thing you're gonna grab these two bars and just start pulling them into your chest just oh oh oh see it's like a metronome I'm not even thinking about the boom I'm just not even think about the breathing I'm just thinking about the plates going up and oh oh oh all right man you get down there you throw down about 25 of those on my sweet okay so get down my crap alright let's G take the safety off on that cuz that some snot boot I'll try it okay so I get to town okay see there was like a boom but it was like here and I don't now I press my luck on that baby we'll just skip that for that where are the showers just out of curiosity your to point in a direction where my whole level of personal fitness was my goal was actually set for me kind of by my wife she she bought me underwear for Valentine's Day one year didn't know you could do that and she got me boxer briefs which personally I can't buy for myself I usually feel worse about myself when I see the dude on the packaging do you guys know that guy I think I was like he's got like the he-man abs and like a papaya shoved down the front so he's got that cocky look on his face like are we filming no I'm not even flexing I just wake up like this alone I open them up and she's like go ahead try them on I was like okay I tried them on i was look at the boxing daddy been closed not I think these are broken sweetie they are comfortable though I've totally converted I love boxer briefs now and guys if you're thinking about making the switch a couple of words of warning first of all never wash them in hot water or dry them on the high setting on your dryer I have a couple of pairs of those where my butt hangs out the bottom a little bit I look like a Hooters waitress when I walk around the house when it's not even a special occasion kind of thing it's not here's another thing to look for and I don't think this occurred to my wife at all but make sure they have a fly on them seriously they sell underwear for men that doesn't have the little door in the front I don't know who they're for mannequins Lego people I'm not quite sure but I didn't realize that that was the pair that I had on until I was in a public restroom and I haven't rolled up to a girl uh-huh let's not panic here this give you some sort of release latch or some sort of you know button fly kind of work what am I wearing is whoa hold on a sec no not on backwards noce knows my last kiss finally after a couple minutes I was like you know what screw it let's pretend I'm six I pulled my pants all the way down there we go that's nice that's breezy right why did I stop doing this this is very comfortable Nixon hey what's up dude I'm sorry there's no door I had a pull of thumb all the way down feels nice no I don't want any money thank you I just not allowed to go back to that target in particular which makes a lot of sense my wife and I are trying to be trying to be pretty healthy we last year we decided to go gluten-free because we we like food but we we wanted to pay more for it as goal number one we want to get less of it and we wanted it not to taste as good so far we're batting a thousand oh that one and it you don't realize what an important role gluten plays in some foods like corn bread for example is not the most structurally sound food to begin with and then we got some gluten-free corn bread which was like trying to eat a sand castle like you take one bite into it just so it goes something assumed someone looked when it came out of the box look at that you do find a lot more gluten-free food and other places though and particularly in Seattle where I'm from it starts to kind of starting to spread out a little bit you don't have to go to and have to go to Whole Foods which is good because I can afford Whole Foods not yet I keep checking every once in a while like okay I keep checking it out every once in a while I'll step in I'm like nope not yet okay too nice too fancy in particular the produce section I feel like I always walk into first and it looks like nobody's ever bought anything in the produce section at Whole Foods since these perfect pyramids of fruit and vegetables and like if somebody does buy one a guy has to run out from the back and put another one out there like ball boys that a tennis match they're just sitting there just wait [Applause] that's not an omen or anything Ryan has cool guys can edit that out right oh goodness the most embarrassing thing for me whenever I go to a Whole Foods is discovering a new fruit or vegetable I've never heard of before that's embarrassing for me what I'm just looking around like what I don't then I have to ask what the stock boys excuse me I'm sorry I've never never heard of this before what is that okay so you told me you've never had a puma renew it's like if you combine together quinoa and a date and it'll annihilate your colon clear out your weekend actually because we're on sale today $27 a pound that's pretty good rice for the Puma right over like I mention I do live in SIA which is a good place to be kind of gluten free and kind of crunchy and such we crunchy it's good we're in him we like our healthy food we don't have a lot of we have a lot of rain not a lot of Sun obviously I'm starting to the point where I just don't even like the Sun anymore because I never tan like that would be great if that could happen I just go white burn Pele that's all that's all that again sunburned more than anything now it's just embarrassing because I feel like when you have a sunburn it's basically just wearing a sign around your neck that says I I have no idea how the Sun works hey thirty-five years later big ball light go figure I have and I'm glad I'm married cuz it's hard to pick up on ladies when you're peeling in the you it basically had the last form of leprosy left on the planet hey where are you going your take a piece of me with you those son seems to take people by surprise up in the Seattle area I can't tell you how many times at the beginning of the summer people will come up to you and start conversations be like hey it's staying light so much later have you noticed that like it's been getting dark at 9:15 and then like two weeks ago who's getting dark at 8:45 I'm like well yeah this happened last year I had a friend of mine come to me the other days like dude this sucks I guess boating season is almost over I was like well you obviously have much more money than I do I have to her I've never noticed boating season really ya know I don't even know what boating season is to be honest I don't know if you stopped hunting them at some point or if they're under 20 feet you throw it back I don't know I would like to have a boat that sounds nice there are people a lot of money up in Seattle now with Amazon and Microsoft people are getting big boats getting yachts I was recently introduced to the term mega yacht somebody apart one off the shore of Seattle it was a mega yacht that was worth a hundred and ten million dollars right you can't even wrap your brain around that however I think the most fascinating part of it was that just to fill it with fuel costs $400,000 right cuz I I've been on a boat before when it's pulled up to like one of those little gas docks you can't do that with just pull up there hey what's up how's it going man cool you got gas sweet I'm gonna need all your guests all that you have friends with get call them too I'm gonna need all the gas you have - I press debit how does this work cuz it's $400,000 you can't negotiate I have gold will you take gold I just just have a big bag of gold that's what I you don't take gold but you take discover that's weird okay I feel like half the appeal of getting a boat is just coming up with the cool name to go with it and I feel like especially with yachts and sailboats they always had these really rich sounding names those things like loving life eight things grand that's cool I want to try that with my car just yeah it would have pile into the shooter tried harder that's fine should have tried harder to actually last car was stolen that was a new experience that I had to deal with last year my car was stolen I don't know if anybody's ever had their car stolen before I didn't love my car I was also not done using it more than like seriously more than anything it was just a massive inconvenience I came out came out of my apartment building one morning cup of coffee was just street parking came over and there's just car car no car no broken glass on the ground or anything and I was left I totally forgot where I parked my car this Aston listen cuz you don't just default to evil or anything you just do like no I'm an idiot I probably forgot where I parked it walked around the whole block chuckling to myself see be so funny where my car I make a hole Luke come back I was like yeah all right now I need to make a phone call apparently and there was a part of me that thought you know what maybe my car was towed because my car had been towed before I had some parking tickets with the city of Seattle I thought my parking tickets were decent although according to the city I also had several outstanding parking tickets oh not to brag but the they don't give those out to anybody but it also didn't quite feel like my card been towed cuz normally when your car gets towed it's because you left it somewhere you don't feel a hundred percent about like maybe you're in a big hurry to get somewhere you get like the last spot on the curb in front of like the restaurant you're going to but then like the back third of your car is hanging a little bit into the crosswalk to the point where as you're walking away you're like it's gonna be there you say your friend Scott guys if you don't mind I'll just remove my car quickly they're like what are they gonna do what are you gonna tow your car and then your car gets towed and those people disappear they will not drive you to a tow yard so I called the police actually first I called a buddy of mine who looked about a block away whose car had been stolen a month earlier and I was like hey dude I think my car got stolen you just went through the whole thing what do I do he's like ah that's it's terrible just call the police they'll start walking you through it and I'll get in touch put in your insurance and everything was like alright he's like what do you think they stole your car I was like I don't know two of the morning or so he's it sucks don't you wish you could have caught the people stealing your car no actually not at all you've met me before like what what would you imagine I have done I just would have walked Hey that's not yours hey wow they're stealing it faster now alright that really bothered him huh so I called the Seattle Police Department I said uh yes I believe my vehicle's been stolen they're like okay what kind of car do you have like I have a 1998 Honda Civic people chuckling like oh I've stolen one of those yeah do you have a Civic it's very easy car to steal I never realized how easy was to break it - except for one time I accidentally bumped into it a little too hard and the driver's side door open and the engine started which i think is a design flaw at some point I call the police I was like I have a 98 Honda Civic they laughed and they're like yeah that's gone probably not getting at the back just get in touch with your insurance so I called my insurance agency and they started walking me through the process asking me a lot of questions about my car about the condition it was in to kind of determine what the value was going to be and my car was not in great condition because it had gotten to a point where I'd had it ever since high school and now it was just about kind of getting from point A to point B it's not it's not cool anymore it's just your car like a gain of personality I don't know if anybody else named their car I named my car I named him Doug which I know it's not a fancy kind of name but it fits cuz he had one headlight that kind of looked off in another he just gave out this good kind of vibe like it was just but he had a lot of cracks and dents and scratches and things just didn't look very good so as this woman is asking me all these questions I figure she's gonna get to the end and be like okay based on our calculations we'll be sending you a bag of gummy bears I didn't have high hopes somehow it got to the very end and she said okay based on our calculations we're gonna be sending you a check for $4,200 and I said yep that sounds right hung up really fast and I took the $4,200 combined it with my wife's sterling credit history and together we got a new car which was great follow up on that story about eight months later I got another call from the Seattle Police Department and they said hey we've uh we've located your vehicle I was like yeah that's okay I know what you guys go out of your way or anything we've all kind of moved on he was like no it was abandoned in a neighborhood we've towed it down near the stadiums you can go down and take a look see if you have your personal effects you're still there also we've been in touch with your insurance agency they're sending somebody down there as well and my first thought was oh no they're gonna want some of that money back thank you there's gonna be a guy walking around my car with a clipboard be like hey whoa wait wait we paid how much this 4,200 that's supposed to be $42 you guys somebody moved a decimal point that headlight doesn't even look in the right direction I don't know but I went down I saw this car it was sad it was the car I had ever since high school had been ripped apart and I like I said I didn't I didn't take a lot of pride of ownership in my car but I didn't mind driving it around except when I had to take it somewhere nice then it definitely felt a little bit awkward like I lived in LA for about a year and a half I was dating a girl that lived in Seattle she flew down for the weekend we decided to drive down the coast we went down a Newport Beach really nice area I got us a Hotwire hotel classy seriously if you guys haven't done hotwire before awesome deals $100 get to stay in like a five-star hotel that you have no business being in usually while they're doing massive renovations her tearing his best is out of our room while we were sleeping but I was like these sheets are soft but it was awkward because as we were driving up to the hotel it was one of those ones that has that big sort of roundabout kind of thing with like a couple of fountains in the middle and then off to the side they have that special area where they park all the super fancy cars it's a lot like Maseratis and Porsches and rolls-royce and I'm just putt putting up the hill and Doug and I turned to the girl I was dating I was like sweetie I am NOT gonna valet Doug here are you I hope that's okay I'll just drop you off you check-in I'll park somewhere I'll be chewing the lobby she's like okay so we pull up to the front she gets out the valet guy hops I was like hi there check it in I was like yes she is I'm not gonna valet though I'll just Park myself somewhere the guys like well actually we valet park all the vehicles for everybody who stay here like okay we both just sat there and he kind of was hesitate and I swear for a second I really thought he was gonna say if you'd like we could just throw this away for you that should be we have a pit in the back that's on fire we can just roll it on in you can you pick up something new in town it's like fine I gave the guy my keys gave me a little piece of paper when checked in spent the night next day came down gave the guy my ticket for him to bring my car around a while we were waiting I turned to the girl I was dating I was like you know I'll be hilarious like just to kind of break the tension what if when he brings my car around I just start going nuts over the condition that's it like what if I just lose it just pretend like I gave them a mint condition 1998 Honda Civic and then with a rolled-up sorry self around the corner I just go nuts just be like yeah this for 12 hours were all these cracks and dents come from this rust is awfully advanced I thought me hilarious unfortunately before I got a chance to say anything I looked in through the windshield and sitting on the dash was this little piece of paper with kind of the generic outline of a car on it where they had marked up all forms of previous damage so they wouldn't be liable for it I've never felt worse for Doug in my entire life just all of his imperfections circled and X's and somebody wrote should have tried harder on the back but I love living at Seattle it's my home and this is the best job that I've ever had I will tell you though my second favorite job ever had which is fairly unique I used to work as a tour guide at the Space Needle is this your propria level of enthusiasm for soon it was not a great job it really wasn't but I loved it cuz I used to walk around the top and I got to answer everybody's stupid questions that they would ask when they got up there that was worth it for the job alone especially from like people from the Midwest that had never been above like 45 feet before they would just step off can I see Alaska can I see Oregon can I see Canada can I see Hawaii can I see China all true swear I there's no way I will ever forget the do - who asked if he could see China does he point it as well which bothered me I don't know why is it Wow Cassie is that China no no you cannot see China sir not today oh this is foggy he will get up there hey how do I get down he would point in the elevators these elevators go down no no they do not those are just our up faders actually tell you how it works they come up once we have to throw them away we are losing a lot of money on those you're right as a matter of fact if you want to get down there's a fire batur foot long fireman's pole that goes down the middle chase your thighs really bad we take a picture at the bottom it sauces worth it I had one story they beat everybody else is there and I prize I am NOT making this up this is absolutely true I couldn't make it up if I tried one day I'm standing by little information podium this dude gets off the elevator smiles at me waves and then starts walking around reading all the little facts on the walls looking out the windows makes a full revolution comes back around stops looks really confused makes a beeline for my podium and says excuse me utter a boon to Seattle before but um I know it's famous for the Space Needle I was just wondering if you could see it from up here I said well you're never gonna believe this but as you may have noticed when you were getting off the elevator reading the stuff on the walls looking out the windows [Applause] they take it down in the winter sir it's there's a lot of fun to watch as a matter of fact but right now you're in the world's tallest pepper grinder I think that's pretty cool as well so you guys been an awesome eyes thank you so much [Applause] [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 4,430,432

Rating: 4.8991804 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Drew Barth, Drew Barth Dry Bar Comedy, Drew Barth Comedy, Drew Barth Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedians, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy routines, Dating smart people, Soccer players, Megayacht, glutten free, gluten free, dbc, stand up

Id: MfTv8dwGpwI

Length: 39min 47sec (2387 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 12 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/decavr]

He’s rather funny!

[u/Eliotturtle69xXx]

This guy looks like if Chris Pratt covers himself in olive oil