Bike locks should be illegal. Kellen Erskine - Full Special

all of us here just a one Amazon click away from buying orange cones and making traffic go wherever we want no else is not stealing putting an extra bike lock on a stranger's bike it's insane that bike locks are legal that they're just available to the public you have any idea the amount of power that you wield with your imagination in a bike lock there's so many things like you can just walk past the Baskin Robbins and be like you're closed it is so arbitrary what we need permission to buy and what we don't you have to show photo ID and a hobby shop to buy paint yet all of us here just one amazon click away from buying orange cones and making traffic go wherever we want I don't like buying milk all right it'll sell any other product that way you could have a bag of marshmallows off the shelf all the other marshmallows don't come at you milk the heaviest item in the store they sell in a ramp that's aimed at your face and pull one gallon off seven others slam forward it's 2% you wanted nonfat but now you can't put it back i discovered though you push those other milks hard enough they disappear I started jogging I mentioned that to a friend of mine who does it a lot and he was like I need to shave your legs so you go faster this guy has a beard I was like no I don't need to [ __ ] you know I'm fine with my resistance workout videos persistent he is like no man listen I've been riding my bike to work for years and I started shaving my legs every day cut two minutes off the commute it's like but how long does it take you to shave now I can shave your legs faster if your arms are shaved where this article online and had all these amazing facts about the human body and one of them said that the average human being skin our skin is so sensitive we can feel the weight of a bee's wing that's one ten thousandth of an ounces that's true I'm below after I've gone an entire day without realizing I had another pair of my underwear in my pant leg I was I was looking at a map of the United States and I know that we were colonized from east to west right Tula but it looks like it was the other way around it looks like the founding fathers approached some guy and they had like an outline of the future country on a piece of paper and they gave them that in a pen and said listen we need you to divide this into 50 sections start on the left side and he was like oh yeah there is plenty of room if you don't get that you shouldn't be allowed to vote I live in Burbank California I have a landline telephone came with the tiny house that I rent and socket on my neighbor in our front yards this guy's nosy some of us have that neighbor he very casually threw this into the conversation he was like hey kelan the other day I picked up part of a conversation from your cordless phone through my baby monitor now it's that's a real thing I didn't know I also didn't know how to respond he's just smiling like a weirdo so I said actually I don't have a cordless phone oh but occasionally I do stand in your baby's room and talk to him that's probably what that was anything else no okay no not a creep I have two kids I want to have three that's the perfect number right you can finally be on the family feud but also with three kids a mom and a dad that's how many people comfortably fit in a log at Disneyland right you have a fourth child you have to buy another picture that's like 30 bucks just for a snapshot of your toddler straddling some Russian couple I don't want that on my mantel [Laughter] you ever have this happen where you're at home and your phone's about to die so you plug it in while you're talking just me and her the rest you've done just ignore this next job I did that I always forget that the court is only 11 inches long so for the next half hour I end up kneeling next to a dresser I just want to know who designed that Court I imagine a couple of scientists in the Verizon laboratory and one of them's like hey why don't we make it long enough so they can sit on the couch and his supervisors like that's ridiculous so they didn't do it before bedtime it's their fault don't worry though making this other cord stretches out to 9 or 10 feet and they could only use it in their cars [Music] the most selfish thing that a human being can do is leave an empty shopping cart in a parking space yeah if you've done that shame on you you're telling me you can meander two and a half miles inside Costco and the moment you get to your vehicle you're like not another step timed out my physical endurance down to this moment campus 820 feet help everyone else out that's all I don't even care you guys can try this too every time I'm inside a grocery store I take someone else's cart do it full of food take it it is so much faster and you get to try new things do it it's not wrong tell me how that's wrong that's not stealing what could they possibly but say to you excuse me I gathered that [Music] I just say things NICU regather you know the route the healthy grocery stores I never buy anything from that aisle of barrels all right I just don't like how accessible it is to like bare hands or the air here's what I do though I go to the most expensive granola and I scoop it into the cheapest one I'm the Robin Hood of Whole Foods he didn't clap long enough for me to take a drink so what did you guys do for Valentine's Day sushi all right that's cool food poisoning what else what's that you studied oh it's like the saddest thing you could say you know no one else is gonna answer cuz we're gonna feel bad that they had plans anything a date with your kids Wow let's dig into this she's like where are the brakes to this joke oh here no no I could say anything I have this boy I did something happy I'm sorry like genre twist to this whole show let's discuss this celebrate difference notice how no one claps it's a great segue into what I had prepared like went to a restaurant my wife wrote my life a song and then I'm like oh and here's what I did and you're like no stop everything next holiday I got robbed last Christmas do something with that the comedy obstacle course well here's what I do I understand now this isn't gonna be for everyone I think I'll just do the talking from now the rest of my set is just me talking about it not even doing Joe Pikul I heard my wife one of those edible arrangements fruit bouquets haeseong exactly it's cool it's a it's a nice thing well I want to get in on that business model because I paid $70 and I didn't even think twice about it I was like that sounds right it's not right their profit margin is probably amazing it's fruit what's their overhead like a product should cost as much as the materials plus the skill required to assemble them right for $70 I could buy a printer that makes sense I don't know how to make a printer fruit okay on the other hand after quick analysis pretty easy to reverse-engineer that thing the hair was maybe like collectively half a pineapple cut into heart shapes on sticks for the what I gave my wife $70 my wife loves fruit next year seventy bucks I'm just gonna give her like 40 pineapples I want to be rich I want to be so wealthy to like anytime I wanted I could just buy all the tickets to a maroon 5 concert and go by myself and boo after every I would sit front and center so when they came out to be like I guess there's a mistake and I'd be like now this is happening there's a sold-out show Adam a stage dive let's make this maroon for this is Utah how many of you guys drove to the border to get lottery tickets when that Powerball went over a billion yeah I bought a ticket never bought a lottery ticket in my life it wasn't just me there were thousands of first-time lottery ticket buyers it was on the news right people were lined up for hours which is crazy in retrospect because that means that even when that jackpot was at 975 million I was like man what even is that after taxes it's crazier than that though are the odds to the Powerball the odds are 1 in 300 million one in 300 million to paint a picture of that in the entire Western Hemisphere from Canada down to Chile there are 900 million people that averages out to about 300 million households so what if this is how the game were played you walk in to buy your ticket there's a man in a suit to explain the game to you hey welcome to the Powerball here's how it goes we've placed the billion dollars in a box now we've hidden this box in a random bedroom somewhere upon the American continent now here's the fun part you give us two dollars you get one shot to guess that address [Music] my favorite game growing up was a battleship you guys remember them loved it until I figured out they could have just called it number letter because there is no wartime strategy and well it's bingo with toys on it he imagined if that ship battle scenario ever actually happened general briefing as many as I all right listen up here's a situation there are five enemy ships out there exactly like our five ships we have no idea where they are but we do have good Intel that they're not moving or diagonal so when you fire Adam I just just guess call fire one-stop let them fire one back there's a war we take turns I went every time after we fire missile we need to ask him how it went played baseball growing up did you know that the dimensions to a baseball field are just whatever it's completely true every major league baseball field is different the infield is always the same a 90 feet to each base but the outfield fence they just make it up this is 100% you to hit a home run in Fenway Park Boston Red Sox have got to hit that ball three hundred and two feet Houston Astros on the other hand Minute Maid Park they have to hit the ball 436 feet that's a 45 percent difference and no one ever talks about it like maybe there's a reason why the Red Sox have been to 13 World Series and the Astros are swept in one it's like hey guys there's no rule moving your fence make it easier on yourselves a 45% difference he imagine if any other sport just decided to start doing that there would be an uproar right you see that excited NBA coach hey great news guys are playing in Chicago this week the rims there are only five and a half feet tall so a Tesla can park itself which is fancy however my Nissan has this feature where it'll beep loudly to let me know if my groceries haven't buckled their seatbelt and I'm so excited for self-driving cars anyone else I am very few people right other people are afraid don't be it's gonna be great don't be scared ask yourself this have you ever walked into a grocery store and had those doors just like paint you never right so imagine that automation technology improved by a factor of a million that's what they're putting on cars it's gonna be okay you still don't believe me would you rather there be like two dudes inside every grocery store just manually sliding those doors as your family walks in right one of the guys is texting the other is high that's what you want because when you're driving that's what's happening around you constantly it's usually older people like much older people who are skeptical of the idea of having a computer drive their car here's what I want to say if you're like 70 75 plus and you're afraid of a computer driving your car here's what I wants you to do go to WebMD or you can list your symptoms just go ahead and put in like every part of your body that aches or is immobile at the painkillers that maybe you take every day I think you might find that the computer is skeptical of you driving a car last time that my car was dirty my friend did the obvious things crawled out wash me on the back window so I want him to the side of his car with a key and wrote touch me up I had to renew my license recently California every ten years or so you have to make the trip to the DMV and retake the picture right I always hate it right then three years agos by and I wish I look that good but how about that Costco ID membership picture all right no amount of time ever goes by that I wish I looked like that walking dead version of my face Costco is a billion-dollar industry they can only afford a camera with like seven pixels that's the only thing that doesn't come in bulk we have better cameras they sell in the store they could just grab one write it off and use it forever but they don't you know I no one ever looks at that picture it doesn't matter I walk in and I flash in my library card they don't care it's a dumb idea in the first place really afraid someone's gonna sneak in and buy stuff [Music] it's mowing my lawn recently I noticed every lawn mower has a throttle on it but the speeds aren't labeled with the words high or low does anybody know what it has instead turtle and a rabbit my guy was ready that was very quick that guy's been going to comedy shows every weekend for like 10 years there's like finally they asked the lawn mower questions just walks out but it's true there's a turtle and a rabbit which is insane because that means that at the lawnmower factory they're like yeah we don't care if they can read this as long as they know their fables I'm disappointed with a lack of originality when it comes to naming high school football teams especially when it comes to animals there are a trillion species on this planet only nine are used for all sports I can prove it right now go ahead and clap if your high school football team was the Eagles missiny Eagles here all right how about bears well he bears what that guy thinks high school mattered all right [Laughter] how about lions who have any lions here [Applause] couple cowardly Lions in the back how about Wildcats yeah that's not even a thing it's a lazy meeting what are gonna be I don't know some sort of wild cat yep that's a meeting adjourned I always do like to ask so anybody here come from a high school that had a unique team name so nothing has ever been used unlike professional sports NFL and to be a baseball just go ahead and yeah just don't tell it to me just cheer what's that the buckaroos everyone cheering just sounds like a condescending dad there you go buckaroo even when you win I can't feel good good job buckaroo what's that the scars all the darts the darts oh okay the pointy ones I thought you meant the car that'll be weirder the darts the darts okay just a second more stuff we're still talking about darts what what city are you from our state was that kids Ville Utah okay all right it's not like a thing there that's number one on TripAdvisor for Kaysville do they have the best darts in Kaysville is that a-- no no the pointy ones [Applause] what else do we have what's that beat digger that come from the cheap seats in the balcony of course sallie earned our way here where are you from that you dig beans what's that Jordan High School all right that's that's here right this this is going all over the world so people aren't gonna know just like Jordan says just some guy Jordan likes beets over here somebody raised their hand politely what was yours with the russets okay some other guy just yelled his out he's like that's not interesting listen to mine well what's okay alright alright russets our potatoes okay getting heckled by Wikipedia yeah usually when I get a cup that was like off the stage but you guys like here's some useful information all right hey what else what else are they the cavemen all right cool where are you from American Fork all right I don't know a thing about that okay man what else Donn's finish for feel like everyone here knows something about me I don't understand all these utensils cities the criminals be from Spanish Forktail I'm just guessing I'm glad I made sense to you guys anyone else not from here have a let's hear a couple of what's that Patriots cool you aren't listening to my question this Chicago fork right there the syrup makers the rest of you quiet down for a second he is trying to help me out here's from Georgia of course I love the syrup from Georgia it's so matter of that I know you're gonna be like obviously I'm from Canada super dude she's like russets yeah huh I'm from Saudi Arabia obviously so the syrup makers okay well so what was your mascot just like a really bored guy [Music] [Applause] if I could name my school team and be the chameleon so wouldn't that be great every game is dress up like the other team they have acupuncture for pet I would love to go to a pet acupuncturist with a porcupine just for that walk back to the waiting or like I don't know what they did to my cat it's the last time I use a Groupon my favorite animal is a penguin I just I just feel bad for that penguins are the reason why I don't completely believe in the theory of evolution next evolution says that an animal either die off or adapt comfortably to its environment I just don't think they belong in Antarctica they seem cold I go to the LA Zoo they don't keep them in a freezer they're on cement and they're fine every other animal in the South Pole has at least 15 inches of blubber or fur to keep it warm you ever seen a penguin walk they walk the same way you would if you were wearing cold wet pants [Music] this is completely true every year in Antarctica penguins walk 80 miles round-trip for food if you believe Morgan Freeman here's where evolution gets Shady if these poor animals have been walking 80 miles every year for the past 10 million years why don't they have knees yet their wings haven't worked out for some reason can they at least get some bendy legs your resume do that thing where they slide on their bellies into the ocean they never mean to do that this is trip or they're like well I can't get up guess I'll learn how to swim - I'm a bird my buddy is telling me about that movie the revenant I haven't seen it I might I just didn't agree with his reason for encouraging me to watch the film he's like he gotta see it Leonardo DiCaprio finally won the Oscar for that film and it's a good thing he won the Oscar because he worked so hard on that movie and that's where I disagree my friends that it's a good thing you won that Oscar because he worked so hard on that movie they shot it for nine months in the blistering cold of Canada he walked through those rivers himself he lost 35 pounds during those nine months isn't that amazing and I said if you think that's amazing you severely underestimate what I would do for twenty million dollars there's not a person in this room who wouldn't do everything that he did for that amount of money I if he acted well give him the Oscar for that but not just because he worked for almost a year 20 million dollars he lost 35 pounds I would get down to 35 pound all right Mel a my last few jokes here I they never got what they deserved and I think it's because comedy is all about timing and my timing is too good so I have Siri read them and it makes them a lot better because she's the worst testing testing testing so good I was the first one it's always a pleasant surprise when you find an unexpected $10 in the jacket pocket of a stranger [Music] this is something I have never heard a wealthy person say it all started when I read Rich Dad Poor Dad the person who said to drink eight to ten cups of water a day for your health forgot that it also makes you enter five to seven public restrooms a day [Applause] Best Buy is a great place to try out stuff that you can then buy cheaper on Amazon [Applause] maybe flies would live longer than 24 hours if they didn't eat food ever since California voted against stores giving out free plastic bags I have collected so many shopping baskets from Target Google is turning 18 years old this year I cannot believe it was just 19 years ago that I never researched anything ever it's my greatest fear that the world will be destroyed and the only remaining humans will be me and all those people who use the Internet at the library the secret to looking younger is to tell people you are older [Applause] if you want to feel like Superman take a paintball gun to a laser tag arena oh you guys have been great gonna leave you this this one TVs are getting thinner but people are getting fatter so everyone is still the same distance from the screen there you guys very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 4,224,836

Rating: 4.8802772 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Kellen Erskine, Kellen Erskine Stand Up, Kellen Erskine Dry Bar Comedy, Kellen Erskine Comedian, Kellen Erskine Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedians, clean stand up comedy full show, bike lock, grocery store, college mascots, milk, self driving cars, dbc, maroon 5, valentines day, imagination

Id: HNudt52BukY

Length: 39min 3sec (2343 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 05 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/Procrastanaseum]

Oh man, that US map joke was dead on

[u/Dovaldo83]

I had someone put their bike lock on my bike once. I don't think they realized they were including my bike in the chaining of their own bike to the rack. I was late for class that day.

[u/i_eat_p_o_s_l_y_f_b]

I saw it was 40 minutes long and figured I'd listen to the first few bits but the entire show was great. Never heard of this guy before. Thank you for sharing this.

[u/DirtyCupid]

I was in a Kroger one time and over the PA they said "please do not take other people's shopping carts." Which can only mean some one took some ones full cart and I couldnt stop laughing.

[u/SupremeLeaderSnoke]

That was a fun 35 or so minutes. Definitely gonna look more into this guy. I thought the ending was pretty boring though. It was basically Siri reading us r/showerthoughts post titles.

[u/scungillipig]

Great show.

[u/hypoxia]

This guy is good. Like waaaay above average funny.

I expect to see him do well the next few years...

[u/DollyPartonsFarts]

I think it's great when someone is funny in a way that everyone can get behind because nobody is being picked on.

[u/[deleted]]

I just ordered a bike-lock from Amazon. I don't even own a bike.