Messing With People. Moody Molavi - Full Special

and i can't even kiss her good night i really can't because she's like three barrel rolls away so my wife and i have been married 20 years thank you she is my high school sweetheart yeah we got married in 1998 and in 2002 my mom remarried an american fellow known as my father-in-law i couldn't tell who got that first i didn't realize there's a whole bunch of alabama fans here so roll tide that's pretty cool man that's all right so my wife is actually technically she's my sister [Laughter] i am my own brother-in-law [Applause] which means i call myself if i need help moving canada so it's my stuff too we're raising two beautiful nephews and the safeties are back on the gun so thank you very much that's awesome hopefully he's one of us man that's all right [Music] [Applause] they're worried about him for a little while you know he said he's baptized okay we can put it down but i can keep that safety on though oh i'm married to her sister all righty go how we're gonna deal with this problem right here it's awesome so uh my wife is actually here in the audience i love her so much she supports my comedy and supports this dream of ours together and let me tell you how this happens is we have this king-sized mattress which provides distance right when you first get together you're thinking oh man this is she's hot and he's hot we're hot together this is great but three years into it it's a different kind of hot she turns into some i don't know karate master in bed he's like get up off of me hot i just want a cuddle it's so bad and i can't even kiss her good night i really can't because she's like three barrel rolls away i don't have the core muscles to make that happen i love you we just high five it out if i wanted to kiss your good night man i've i've got to do the whole centrifugal force thing you know where yeah you get you anchor with the the headboard with one hand and get that one leg out kind of do that hip bump and just start rolling midway through the first roll the cpap goes nope those things are great they make fun of them but man they are useful they are amazing like anytime like you're in the hospital or something and and they have the lights on all the time like i had a back surgery in december which didn't work but anyway so i'm in the bed in pain and they're always in there in and out of there and so finally just take the sheet and put it over my head because you know snorkel right they don't realize that though they just come in and they see the patient has been completely covered and i finally had some peace and quiet for a few hours because i signed a dnr that's how you get sleep in a hospital put your snorkel on put the sheet over your head get some slate they actually the one i have is faa approved that's awesome i get on a plane i'm sitting down you know we're getting ready to fly probably get crunched in there right i put on that mask before the flight starts and the guy next to me is like uh what's that he saw it don't die my name is mahmoud how are you see you when i wake up maybe i do like to mess with people it's one of my favorite things to do i had this dodge challenger 2010 model with the you know the the little thing popped out of the hood i'm not a big car guy but i like driving them you know it looked cool it's like a duke's a hazard kind of guard it was all black and uh this cop is behind me when we're at hardy's and i'm going through the line it's like you know eight people deep and we're going around the corner and every time the car moves ahead of me i pop the clutch right just because i can and the cop is like yeah it's cool he's right behind me the whole time i'm doing like eight times it's like the slowest car chase ever we get up to the window and it's like uh and she says hey we got a problem we're out of coke zero what you want to drink i was like i don't care what you got just put in the bag fast i'm getting chased by the cops if she throws my food at me go go go go most people in south georgia still talk about that isn't it i like it christmas time to go to malls like a really you know with a busy mall around where we live and and i look for that super spot you know the one that's closest to the the food court that everybody wants you know and i'll go there for my lunch break but i'll go ahead and get some food and uh just do this on my lunch and i'll just find the perfect parking spot pull in put it in reverse and just put my foot on the brake and get a sandwich it's pretty awesome actually remove the mirror just so you can see the perfect angle the people driving by it's like fishing you catch one you get to see them go through all these little levels of you know emotions like surprised and elated and confused sad rage you know at that point you got to let off the break just a little bit and they're like well finally you pull back and you're going to wave out and pull right back in i can get away with it because i'm big right oh never mind he's so mad at me i always make sure my kid was with me in his little car seat when i do it in case you know that gets out mad and i'll get out hey man how are you doing to pull the kid out of the car see they're like i can't attack you today that's my that's i don't wear you know bull professor just a kid and it's not even a real kid it's just this doll i have to travel she's grown now my oldest child when he was five years old man we had a fun time we went to mcdonald's and the the manager was just having a bad day right you could tell that it's like this you know kind of take your order just like just mad and it doesn't take me any time at all to process oh i'm going to mess with this person so there i am my five-year-old kid we're trying to get something to eat at mcdonald's and this guy's all mad and ragey and i said yeah i'll take you know the big and tasty whatever meal i was getting that day let me ask my son what he wants to do and that's gibberish just so you know i have no idea i was a small child when we left iran and i never coached him into this i just thought it'd be funny if i did that and you know finally stopped and wants a cheeseburger happy we'll catch up only for real hey guys a hard language my dad doesn't even email me at all because you know you can't find the key with the heck here [Music] he never calls never doesn't it's so fun they said my name is moody like happy sad angry glide it's because where i live in the south they can't pronounce my real name which is mahmoud molavi i was born in iran and that's the welcome i normally guess [Music] [Applause] [Music] there are so many guns here tonight when it got real quiet he heard all those little clicks like i got the safety off did that boy say he's from iran that is the biggest iranian i have ever seen that is going to take the whole clip his body next to my man i got you i got your back i catch you back he might be a trojan horse packed by a whole bunch of little iranians we don't want to stab him like a little spider boom a whole bunch come out i have to say iran because people are like iran what was he drawing iranians did he say he was raining it's crazy it's sunny outside i've been here since i was six years old and and that's what i get you know people like as soon as they heard my name they're just kind of freaked out they don't know what to do right so i was born in iran and in 1981 my mom thought it was a great idea to bring three iranian baby boys to the south i don't know if you ever seen a human kickball but now you've seen a human kickball so my mom so she actually is from the south and in the 60s she met my father she was a nurse at a hospital when he was a resident he was a surgeon and they would argue all the time in the emergency room among all the blood and splatter everything they're like hey if we can do this here we can do this in real life let's get married let's do this so she's like i'm going to go and travel to iran and leave my family and she left and she went over there she was there 15 years of her life you know and it's amazing you think of blonde headed green-eyed american woman in iran 15 years she's like there's something missing in my life what is it freedom how do we get that back it took her two years to get us you know home or here to chattanooga tennessee is where we ended up yeah i know man they did not do football in chattanooga tennessee in 1981 you know it's like we wanted to play football and like oh well uh well i don't know we got pads for them little fellas but then we'll try it the password just want to kick the ball so we weren't playing soccer but we knew it as football so we go to this place there's a presbyterian church they had 12 fields and they're like really amped up about soccer right and we go sign up and i got two brothers right they're older i'm the youngest i'm the biggest um but they were delicious i just kind of sucked them all in so we go sign up and it's my oldest brother's majeed my middle brother is mahdi and i'm mahmoud and the little blue-haired lady behind the counter she's like we can't say these names you're gonna have to have some american names i don't know if your boys are good but if they're bad the coaches are gonna yell at them and stuff and they try to say this and all of a sudden spitting everywhere getting all you know in the spirit and all snakes they're going to rise up wait that counterchecks so she made me mike but she pronounced it mac okay you're gonna be mac what is a mac you know i don't understand but i was mike you know and then that stupid commercial came out oh mikey holy ate anything she knew right up front oh yeah it's gonna be him so my mom she's methodist and my dad isn't when i was 21 i actually my neighbor had talked to me about jesus and and you know he really opened my eyes and i became saved and so at 21 i became a christian and i'm an iranian southern baptist i think i'm the only iranian southern baptist where i live anyway if you were like is that a joke like no it's not a joke i go to southern baptist church i'm from iran and i praise with way more spirit than anybody else make that a ringtone that'd be awesome oh my goodness my pastor's like we love it when you're here at church man everybody's always got their hands raised up in praise and worship he said i think they're just scared he's right behind us what do we do we don't know so i got baptized as a methodist and methodist they sprinkle and so man i got so scared of this whole sprinkle thing first we did communion there and the methodist church has a lot of traditions and stuff and i was trying to understand them and they're breaking the bread and everything and when he was breaking the bread it didn't break like it was stale i don't know i couldn't i don't know what's going on but in my mind i'm thinking i can't do this because you go down to the altar and you kneel down and they bring the bread and you pull the bread dunk it in a little wine and you eat it right i'm like what if the bread doesn't break what am i gonna do so sure enough all this happens and i go for the bread it didn't break so i just faked it and dipped it into air got my fingers wet got it because in my mind if i went for that i was going to win that tug of war and that bread was going to hit this person i'm going to lose balance boom you know just ruin everything so the baptism was the same way and when they decided they were going to baptize me they got they called up all their pastors like hey man we're baptized in iranian we're going to need all the hands on deck and they just came in this line i just sat there when they go there and there's like a dallas style stylist house i was completely soaking wet and what do you do when you're soaking wet it's all over you you dry yourself and i baptize the two rows behind me it's a revival y'all that's great [Music] so i go to the baptist church and like well you're gonna have to be full immersion here well it kind of really was there but okay if you've got some sort of pond or something and a crane that can pick me back up because my pastor is little he is i mean he works out he's it's and he wears medium shirts show off guns i don't know pastor's guns for me i'm not cool with but whatever so he's like no man i can pull you out of there like okay whatever i used to wrestle and the way i would wrestle i just get my muffin tub and just smack them with it i'm pretty sure this is gonna happen so we go down and all of a sudden we're just kind of fumbling around and i've lost him he is stuck somewhere inside me and i finally get his feet and pull him out and he's like it's amazing so i saved him there's a lady um that i hate i know i shouldn't hate people we're gonna call her angie it is a made-up name but is that your name it's not her melissa how about we color melissa it doesn't really matter there's a oh really okay we're sticking with andrew she's right here [Music] so here's the thing well angie would kept calling me moo and i'm like i'm not mu but you look like a moo right yeah and she's bigger than i am how do you call someone a moo if you're mum that's just wrong it's like what kind of name is moody like it's a nickname because people can't pronounce mahmoud right and she freaks out she learns my real name she's she stops what she's doing she backs out and she walks away and my buddy at work he's like did that just happen like yeah i did so the funny thing at work the first time i ever started work there that day someone said hey we got this great group of uh diversity and inclusion called the amigos we'd love for you to be a part of it you're hispanic right like nope never mind true story yeah apparently that that word doesn't mean what you think it means but okay i get pulled over by the cops and and i'll just say uh they're like what kind of name is that boy i'm like uh italian okay that has saved me so many times so angela she comes back the next day she goes hey i want to let you know something i got my life group together and we prayed for you it's like what if why you know oh i don't know she goes i went on facebook and i even put god knows the need and i got 45 thoughts and prayer comments right up after it i'm like what does that even mean why what does thoughts and prayers mean really is it someone that's just too lazy to really interact like well i want to like it but i don't know if god knows the need to make something bad so i'm gonna write thoughts and prayers right are they actually doing it no i mean why would they just call the person but they didn't right so they just thought some prayers oh you know when i see that i just put in bulldogs and chainsaws it's the same thing so i mean if someone needs a prayer then call them up or facebook messenger or whatever and you know do it that way you know we all need that in our life and i think it definitely works it definitely works but thoughts and prayers crazy so anyway so she said i prayed for you and i said why she said you know you know and i said i'm baptist right because i can feel that room and she goes well that worked that was fast i'm gonna have to tell all my people you worked it worked it worked people are stupid that's what i'm trying to tell you the only people i get along with right off the bat are motel owners they see that credit card they say the name your name is how come you don't sound like us because i want to live i've been here 38 years man so are they well then you suck i don't know if you know there's a travel ban out there and if you sound like this haiti they just skim right over you they do now people are like wait a second he's moved his voice back and forth too fast oh my goodness what is he he's just a fat fella like cracker barrel okay you go in there and you listen you assimilate and just start talking like them right you got all the biscuits and gravy you need you're good you're good so my wife and i we live on something called lsd which is least stressful decision that's what that is getting a stressful thing like when i fly and they lose my luggage inevitably they always lose my luggage it sucks as a fat guy you can't just go buy clothes at the gift shop right here's the voucher go get something to wear well can i buy the whole gift shop and someone to sew it all together [Music] there i got 14 armholes sticking out of the shirt oh this looks good kids falling around trying to tickle and every hole but we'll put you up in a hotel they have nice drapes i hope they do because that's all that's gonna fit so the lsd is to actually get my luggage and i pack it into a box and i ship it to the hotel and i don't have to worry about anything i just got my boarding pass my backpack boom i'm on the plane right lsd but i don't have an american name a legal one right so this is mahmoud malavi in the boarding pass and all the tsa agents turn into the one big barney fight [Music] like they figure something out you're gonna be gone seven days where's your luggage boy okay stereotypes all right you want to play along i'll play along where i'm going i don't need luggage crazy people that departure board has all all the times like cancel cancel cancel cancel we're taking on it's stressful flying stressful traveling oh my goodness and then you get on the plane there's another problem right there someone thought it was a good idea to make the aisle way one thigh wide even all the little people know what i'm talking about right if you got to go sideways to go down to iowa it's not an highway it's a thighway that's what that is come thy with me even though yeah the little people like doing this excuse me pardon excuse me pardon me usually pardon me you know earrings are getting hung on belt loops i'm so sorry just let it go i'm taking it and then you hit the sky priority people they get to sit first right there in the chair and they get to sit down before anybody else put their luggage on it's like oh i feel so privileged oh this is nice and then all of a sudden someone's butt rubs right past their head hey hey that was rude yeah so then the fat guy he comes in right where do they put us fat people in the back of the plane middle row that's right why i don't know maybe it tilts the plane up make it go faster i'm not sure he's a fatty put him in the back put him in the back he can't do exit row no why wouldn't you want me on the exit row really let's say the door popped off i got it [Applause] well you've got three belt extenders sir i know that's my tether oh god i'll save you save me we're good but you gotta go to the back of the plane so you just gotta make just pull it off the band-aid you know just i don't care how many earrings your love handles hits just rip it and go and everybody in the house is like what was that then you get back there in the in the chair is the chair is 19 and a half inches wide i know because my thigh is 19.5 inches wide and you sit there and you get these things called forklift tines that take your fatness to a whole new level they're called arm rests right but we know what it is it just takes your love handles and puts them above your head and you can't breathe when the flight attendant is like hey settle down let's get you a drink what would you like put your tray down it doesn't go down i'm basically wearing the fellow in front of me how do you not notice my head is on his head and i'm reading his kindle and he's really really slow are you done tap and thank goodness for the little lady over here he's like i need a blank cat no no you don't you need a friend i'll tuck you in i have been big my whole life oh my goodness and uh last year i was on you know i had to lose weight and i still have to i guess i lost 66 pounds but i'm still bigger than you [Applause] i gotta lose so much more i do i i don't know how much you waste or what is it you don't know how much you weigh 190. i get what's your name bill i gotta lose bill i have to get an entire human and leave him behind i'm sorry bill we gotta part ways so anyway it is what it is in my scale at home it just says uh er like when i get on e-r-r and i get scared to tell me i can handle the truth that it comes to like you can't handle the truth kill me okay you weigh 150. but my towel weighs 150. my doctor has the detecto scale the old school right with the bar and everything on it i don't know if you've been to a festival where you get a mallet and you smash something and it makes a bell ring it's the same one it is i get on it and all of a sudden bang when the nurse comes out with a big teddy bear you win again look at you you don't have to have all a mass load of teddy bears at home right yeah it's horrible so like he goes how much do you think you weigh it's like i don't know how far does that thing go is it 350. are we on the honor system 351 must be 351 if it's going to ding that thing so loud too it's so bad i got sleep apnea i don't know if everybody knows what's the capnia is that's where fat people go to sleep and they die their spouses think they snore all right you hear that that is your fat cells trying to suffocate you because they're like we've lived a long life we're done close that airway while he's not looking pile driving boom and what does the wife do right she spikes you in the elbow or in the side and you breathe again and she's like oh look at that he stopped snoring worked right no you actually just put me closer to death you move the fat cells around so i wear a cpap right which looks like this big octopus that sits on your face like this it's horrible man actually my son will come in he goes chad i am your father so my wife she's got celiac disease uh right so celiac is where you can't have gluten i think people don't realize how bad this is right because the gluten triggers the immune system to come attack the intestines meanwhile leaves your body open to anything flu group whatever anybody's got around you boom you're getting it right so because she wasn't diagnosed you know for many years of her life she was about 35 and she was diagnosed 36 and and she's got most of her hearing is gone her eyesight is really bad and she's got vitiligo she's got a lot of things going on you know she's my she's a rescue is what i'm trying to we said that to some nurse that we're about to do this test and they're like hey we're going to take her back there she'll need to leave her contacts and her hearing aids here and you'll have to stay here like i need to be with her because she's going to feel real vulnerable not knowing what's going on like oh you need to stay here because a hippo regulations like what do you know about my sister that i don't know so i told her and i said she's a rescue and that lady was about to hit me with that clipboard man and my wife she cuddles up my arms because but he gave me a forever home that's what brothers do and she gets mad cause we don't go on dates right like we never go on a date don't you love me anymore like no i just think it's against the law thank you let's wait until the kids are growing before we can yeah so and then the kids you know we can never find a babysitter we trust only do you trust babysitters these days are crazy i don't know these people so i don't we don't do anything but then we found we like to do the escape room uh challenges and stuff for our date nights and and the kids really like the idea so we decided to escape room home edition so we just lock him in the closet and we go on a date dinner movie some coffee afterwards come back pop that door open the whole time around the door is like 7 59 59 he's like pushing on it the whole time i was like look at that you did it because i did oh like that i didn't think i was gonna make it i really didn't i tried every clue turn that knob out about 3000 times it just didn't work like did you find the water bottle because i did it's like oh cool because that was a secret and he was like yeah i was in that third shoe box on the right i said well fantastic you get to level two this is great because next weekend we're going skiing we'll set that timer to 72 hours you're gonna have fun you're gonna have a good time so we learned that our oldest child he's basically our demo unit he just right you're going to mess up with him no matter what so whatever we do with him it's just you know we don't do with the second job so but even when he's 40 you know and i'm still gonna it's still going to be a first time experience with me and i'm going to scare him the wrong way take notes and then do the right one by the other kid so that's just how it's going to be man it is when he was tiny or we were at a chinese restaurant this lady that owned it loved his eyes just oh i'd love to look at your baby's eyes you're just so beautiful right and so she should do that every single time and we're paying for dinner my wife is already gone to go change my child because that thing happens right and she goes well you can't pay until i see the baby again instantly i realize this is another opportunity so she runs around the counter and she flips open the trailer the travel system and she sees no baby where's the baby like whoa i don't know i guess he's gone so she stops everything where's the baby we're looking for the baby looking under the tables and stuff is crazy they check the kitchen he's like a cat my child turner the general's so chicken but she would never come back so we left the next time he came back she goes oh hello mr funny man you sure you want your heel yeah let's take that challenge let's see what we can do i deserve that i deserve that we should my little one he's so tiny oh my goodness i don't understand who he's my child i lose him all the time right so like we'll be a hot summer day in a zoo buying some ice cream all of a sudden gone and i freak out i start crying my mascara starts running and i'm waddling you know looking in every direction like where's my kid where's my kid and the zookeeper comes up she's like what's going on i said i lost my child and i'm describing what he looks like and she finishes me she goes look is that him right behind you well look at that he's in a blind spot when he get worried he can't look past the wing ryan what are you doing back there bud he's like daddy don't move you're the only shade i could find he always wanted me to go to the school and have lunch with him because you know that's a cool thing your dad goes it's a real hero moment for your dad like being asked to go and meet his friends at school in kindergarten whatever and we get there and i realize all the furniture is so tiny like i can't even sit down and hang out with them at all even if i try because my knees if i get down at a certain point they're just going to smack you know bow i don't know what's going to happen the rest of me right fall crashed into things i'm not sure and they had this integrated stool and table thing where it had eight little stools and one big table that folds up and i'm like how do i get on that i really don't know but i'm gonna try take one for the team and i get about you know halfway down and powell my knee snaps and i slam down on that table and seven children once and i'm walking around with this big table hanging out behind me you lose all dignity being a dad this big i never had a colonoscopy and people talk about colonoscopies and all the prep and all the jokes about that what they don't tell you is after the colonoscopy right i'm just going to tell you don't wear white shorts don't wear them that day when you wake up there's a lady watching you and she doesn't tell you why she's just there she's there to watch you fart that's it like hey so can i go in a minute like what do i have to do she goes are you feeling ksc like okay i can't i can't do that in front of her my sister sure so i lie about it yeah i'm good i've done that already oh okay i'm sorry i didn't notice all right well you can go cause she knows what's about to happen because as soon as you start moving well whatever gas they put inside you escapes right and a rorschach design ends up on those white shores and your son is there he's like look it looks like a butterfly daddy and you run away he's like watch it fly watch it fly so my wife is she eats dairy uh it'll change her voice it's like an acid reflux thing and she'll turn it into like teddy panda grass it's very scary you got you got what i need yes absolutely yes whatever but my youngest son who'll come downstairs with a nightmare or something you know he said bob i had a nightmare of course he goes to mom get consoled right didn't know she had milk earlier tell me all about it let me give you a dream close your eyes and think about just me and you in the forest together alone we're gonna go pick some flowers you know the one that mom likes he freaks out he'll take that three mile trek around the bed to come and get consoled by his father right and i'm sitting over there i'm your father what do you want big old trail of pee heading back upstairs my name is moody malavi you guys have been amazing thank you so much you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 833,960

Rating: 4.8776293 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Moody Molavi, Moody Molavi Dry Bar Comedy, Moody Molavi Comedy, Moody Molavi Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedian, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, messing with people, cpap machine, sleep apnea, alabama, roll tide, married sister, iran

Id: 4kIyyf3H_s4

Length: 40min 14sec (2414 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 08 2020