Boomer Triggers Gen-Z Snowflakes. Brad Upton

how many are not under the age of 30 20 somethings let me hear from the 20 something yeah these are the dumbest people i've ever met in my life not personally just as a group do me a favor put some cash in your pocket freezer debit cards every dollar 17 purchase i get so tired of stand mine on a mini mark that's a dollar seventeen here's my debit card you don't have a buck and a quarter i know they're dumber than people my age you know when i was growing up we didn't have any child proof cabs you dropped a coke bottle it didn't bounce it shattered our parents let us play with guns and knives and fireworks you know what happened to the dumb kids they didn't make it [Applause] it's true these guys grew up in a world that's child proofed and padded all the dumb ones left now they use debit cards they're dollar 17 purchases you ever see it they're buying energy drinks how much energy do you need in your 20s [Music] should be selling those at the retirement village that's the target market right there a couple of monsters in a red bull going to pick up that bingo game i'm sure b19 that's mine a lot of our terms don't mean anything i don't want to sound like a broken record you know what that means right people under 30 never owned a record play they don't know what that means they don't know what that means they don't know what that means you still don't ever watch them on their smartphones can't put them down somebody calls somebody texts they need to tweet geez focus you ever take a smartphone away from a 20-something they don't have to do they look like they got hit with a shovel [Laughter] i should have learned how to talk to people the text never ends either it's non-stop did you know seattle i'm not making this up there's a public service campaign going on it's on the buses in the newspapers on the radio stations telling young people you cannot text you have to call and use your voice i wish i was making that up because apparently they've had trouble with it omg someone's in the house i am not roflmao these initials for everything you're either taking it's all initials end of a funny sentence lol you know we used to put initials at the end of a funny sentence we used to write h-a-h-a it's pronounced ha-ha and it stood for ha-ha which is a much better way to say ha ha you're not the first ones use the initials fyi i make fun of the 20 somethings or phones but you know what i'm as bad as they are they're addictive it's instant information it's into your hand it's hard to leave them alone but i do miss the black old school rotary phones you know why and what those are good for 20 somethings you're missing out on this the older people remember this end in an argument remember slamming those down felt good to slam a phone down you could let some aggression out you know what kiss mine felt good can't do that with a smartphone he'll kiss my beat click you tear your pants pocket out doing that now there's all phones there was a bell in there you slammed it hard enough you could ring it look i see some people nodding there remember you don't kiss mine you guys know i did this phones used to be on the wall i'm not making that up tell you something else people used to call us we didn't know who it was i'm not making that up either am i remember the phoner drink you would run to answer it you pull your hamstring get into the phone now you hear that thing ringing whatever and you know why you would listen to this do you know why you would run to the phone listen to this because if you didn't get there there were no answered machines look at you looking at me like no way and then you didn't know you did not know you'd stand like who was that and then listen to this you had to call all your friends listen to this on numbers that you stored in your head i'm not making that up either am i no all the old people in here they know the number of the house they grew up in am i right yeah now do you know your spouse's number no phones are smart we're not some kids are having trouble telling time now they never see the face of a clock they don't know how to tell time think about the crummy fighter pilots they're gonna make enemy aircraft two o'clock [Applause] that's in an hour it is a pleasure to be here i know a lot of you looking at me right now and you're going i think this guy did my taxes i'll do them but you'll go to jail [Laughter] some of you are looking at me too going ah this guy's kind of old i get it i'm reminded all the time that i'm getting older the other day i got mad at this old guy because he was doing something old guys doing then i got a good look at him and i went oh man i went to high school with that guy this will wreck your day make you feel a thousand years old you ever get on a website you have to enter your own personal information you have to scroll down to your birth year come on you got to be kidding me really i felt young the other day i was in the grocery stores in the produce section all by myself middle of the afternoon then the van from the retirement village shows up all of a sudden i'm the youngest guy in that store by about 30 years i'm in the produce section i'm the only guy fast enough to tear off those plastic bags you know there you go you're welcome have a nice day one for each of you hurry up you ever see the old folks try and snap those bags off they get 20 or 30 on the floor remember the mall the old folks at the mall you ever seen the old folks trying to get on the escalator they're standing there trying to time that step coming out and when do you lose that skill does that just happen overnight i mean you just go to the mall one day and just go whoa that thing is moving right there [Applause] here's a tip for all of you on the escalator when you get to the top of the bottom you don't know where you're going step aside then make a plan how hard a concept is that for people to wrap their heads around they get off the top okay which way we're gonna go it's 400 people being force fed up your backside move i'm from seattle marijuana is now illegal you can buy in a cookie so now i know how to shut up the neighbor's dog there you go sparky you better get out of the sun you're about to take a long nap my friend you're looking around that's a good idea i went to hong kong and singapore worked these english-speaking comedy clubs spent several days exploring hong kong but there was something different about the city i couldn't quite put my finger on it finally figured it out you know what it is no chinatown it's a stupid joke i know that i got here yesterday we landed in salt lake city took uh uber down here and the guy had the radio on and uh one of your local hospitals is doing an ad for their emergency room is that something you shop around for an emergency room i don't got my finger off the table so i really emergency room let's try that new place in spanish for it [Laughter] get the sunday paper there's a coupon in there if your finger's half off it's half off and then some mattress mattress firm mattress something not some mattress store running an ad right now telling you who can finance a mattress over 48 months if it takes you four years to pay off a mattress you can't afford a mattress if it takes you four years proper mattress nothing will help you sleep better you want to sleep better get a career you can afford a mattress and how did the entire mattress industry decide from coast to coast the only way we can move this product is get a tattooed meth hat out on the sidewalk with a sign and spin that thing around a few times a mattress is not an impulse buy you have never been driving home from work i gotta get a mattress you know what every time i see that guy on the sidewalk you know i'm thinking that's the owner's nephew he told his sister i'll give him a job but he's not coming in the store how about this piece of advertising ever drive by a business there's a big banner hanging out front it says underdo management has that ever worked and brought in a customer it's always on a mini mart or an old motel that's where you see that thing hey honey you know that motel on the old highway where those people got shot and they were making meth it's under new management we should check it out you know what that sign should say still a dump you know what sign i saw in my neighborhood a handmade sign in a guy's front yard it said garage sell sell sell garage sell what kind of hillbilly method this sells the word sale that was everywhere on sale for sale back to school sales sale s-a-i-l it's nice to work in front of smart people it really is there are places this country they stare at me on that one [Applause] you spell that all right see this the west virginia state legislature passed their roadkill bill making it easier for the citizens of west virginia to possess and eat their roadkill hey honey i'm leaving work you want me to hit something what a great dui defense that is app pulled you over swell back to you been drinking i was hunting good luck i have a website it's bradupton.com and no reason i tell you i don't feel the need to put the www in there do we need to hear that on websites www they're all www what's that short for by the way right world wide web has three syllables www has nine it's not sure for anything that's what i'm trying to tell you some of you guys are looking at me like the taliban watching baseball the ncaa said that all colleges the indian mascot had to get rid of their indian mascot because offensive indians the ncaa is headquartered in indianapolis indiana slightly ironic did you guys watch the olympics last summer of course you did america did great in the olympics we had a great olympic games that was great you know though when you're watching the olympic games you see the eight fastest men in the world the eight fastest women in the world i think we forget how fast they are you know what i think they ought to do to keep it in perspective pull somebody out of the stands give them a shot at the goal section 32 row six seat nine come on down you're going for the goal some fat guy with a selfie stick that is a 35 second hundred meters right there [Laughter] you know what else i'd like to see in the olympics sometimes just some athletes snap and lose it just loses cool like a diver he's in sixth it's his last jump he knows he can't meddle he walks out there goes you know what i trained half my life for this i'm not gonna get anything because the next day no one would know who won that competition everybody in the world would know that guy's name he'd be doing endorsements for the rest of his life do you know from 1900 to 1920 tug of war was an olympic sport tug of war i wish they'd bring that back i'd like to see some big russian steroid monsters against like the strongest guys from somalia sasha check these guys see the arms come off i believe we won who's next mexico the mexican team tutor i thought you said taco war [Applause] it's nobueno 2010 i was in vancouver i got some tickets uh for the olympic games and i got to see luge and they were interviewing this guy this luge legend 38 years old been in four olympics gonna retire after the olympics from luge i thought how do you retire from that sport it's laying down it's not like you're gonna lose a step it's laying down laying down is the only skill you get better at every year you're alive and eventually you master it you can send a corpse down the hill to get a great time the stiffer the better like oh grandpa's going for it look at him then i had tickets to go see biathlon you know what that is cross-country ski and a target shoot how do you put those two oddball events together and come up with a sport hey i know let's run 110 meter high hurdles and change the brakes on a 79 plymouth fury i'm the world's best they interviewed the american he was ranked 20th in the world and asked him what are your chances and i thought you know what you're skiing through the woods of the rifle pretty good i'm coming out of the woods in first place under those circumstances i'm low on ammo but i'm in the lead did you guys follow me on that one i shot everybody [Applause] you don't need to stop in this country any kind of restaurant go into like an applebee's one of those chains that's just so annoying where the staff sings happy birthday to somebody yeah look at your nod why do we do it everybody involved hates it staff hates it diners hate it birthday boy hates it you know who likes it birthday boy's friend yeah that's the one idiot enjoying that moment right there like the arsonist at the fire like i caused this speaking of birthdays i was in a hallmark so they're looking at birthday cards have you seen this hallmark has a line of birthday cards now for people turning 100. how many of those you think they sell in a week those cannot be flying off the shelf and if you have to buy a card for somebody's turn 100 put that off of the last minute it's okay to laugh at that it's not like they're here they're at the casino this happened in seattle a few months ago a guy got killed on the interstate he was driving the wrong way down the interstate and the police spokesman was quoted as saying we don't know how fast he was traveling but the posted speed on that section of highway 60 miles an hour if you're driving the wrong way down the interstate all the speed limit signs are silver i don't think speedy figures worry at that part hope i don't get a ticket i was flipping through the challenge the other night and i came across a senior golf tournament i thought who's watching seniors play golf who has that kind of time in your life you know what i would watch though senior cage fighting i don't think i can sleep if i thought that was on a couple of 20 year olds in the cage they're going to fight again in a month a couple of 80 year olds in there that's a death match tap out crap out nap out that's how that's going [Applause] you ever see these kind of stories and somebody gets killed kind of tragic circumstances maybe they were rock climbing fishing skydiving to get killed and people always say this i know they mean well they go at least he died doing something he loved which to me is the cruelest irony of all time because if i told you i was going to teach you how to fish you're going to love fish you're going to fish almost every weekend for the next 30 years but eventually you're going to follow a boat and drown you'd go you know what i think i will learn how to draw you want to be happy for somebody hope they die doing something they hated then they didn't have to finish i want to die on thanksgiving week into my in-laws house maybe i can ruin that weekend for them one time you ever hear i died under those circumstances i want you to be happy for me ah that's great he hated doing that i got invited to a 70s themed party recently so went to the goodwill store to look for ugly plaid jacket and i found it and as i got to the cash register i discovered that goodwill sells gift cards let me repeat that one more time goodwill sells gift cards when is it inappropriate to give or to receive a goodwill gift card and spend some money once you buy yourself something nothing new of course but i'm guessing there's a used crockpot or a t-shirt worn by a stranger in here with your name on if you ever rip a card and a goodwill gift card drops out of there might want to rethink the relationship look honey dinner for two at the food bank the goodwill store by my house last june said 50 off father's day sale nothing says i love you pops quite like hey dad jump in the car we don't want to pay full price for you stuff if my kids ever take me to goodwill on father's day you know what i want for father's day i want some new kids [Applause] i'm supposed to go to the home depot this weekend i am not looking forward to that i don't like going into the home depot you know what why have 12 checkout stands if you're never going to open them all at once you ever seen them all open at once no what set of circumstances has to occur hey i got an idea about sunday afternoon there's 40 of us in this line now they make you scan your own things in there you know what i do this is brilliant the machine gives you the option of spanish or english right there's always somebody watching to sell surf machines i just hit spanish and go hey could you do this for me they come over every time they do it for you they look at you like an idiot it doesn't matter you know why you're not the one wearing the orange bass i got all finished i said gracias i did a show a couple years ago in august in phoenix arizona you ever been to phoenix in august oh yeah it's nice [Applause] about 180 every day well locals always talk about the heat dry heat yeah you know what so's fire one time walk by the bank you know the sign that flashes back and forth between the time and the temperature at 109 in the afternoon the time and the temperature is exactly the same that signs going 109. 109. 109. oh better not be like that at 4 30. but if you've never been there it's so dry you get chapped lips you get nosebleeds i always talk about the old people live in phoenix i don't think they're old i think they're dried out they're in their 20s they just need a glass of water i could get one if that a debit card i will tell you a little bit of myself i am recently a widower if everything went as planned these are jokes folks relax it's a comedy show it's not too my wife and i've been together 37 years thank you very much [Music] married 30 been together 37 years we have a 22 year old son a 20 year old daughter they both drive a course you know what that means as soon as they get in the car they take over the radio station i have to listen to the worst music i've ever heard in my life you know what i figured out to get a change of station sing along honey got a booty like pow pow pow [Applause] dance stop it call me mr flintstone cause i can make you bedrock stop it [Applause] why are you doing that i blame it on the alca alka alcohol my son says you sound stupid i said i got one last problem without you why are you poking me i go i can't keep my hands to myself i love how in the kitchen my two kids my wife walks in i go honey got a booty like pow pow pow and you know what that's her cue to give me one of those things right there [Applause] [Music] let me tell you something we don't see the kids for a couple of days i highly recommend it honey got a booty like pow pow pow what kind of lyric is that they don't write them like they used to i know that george harrison were all the most beautiful beatles songs of all time something in the way she moves attracts me like no other lover that's a beautiful eric you know what he's trying to say honey got a booty like pow pow pow i don't mess with my kids a little had to take those car seats out of the back ever do that as a parent take the car seats out of the back and then clean up the crack of the seat it's disgusting full of broken cookies raisins m m's pretzels i think that's how they invented trail mix i will guarantee you that's how that product originated wasn't a hiker that came up with trail mix there's a parent somewhere the climb in the back see the minivan scoop that up went you know what if you took that fuzziness band-aid out of there i would eat that i can't imagine it'll be like to be single again go out to a nightclub and say something to a woman to impress i've done that 37 years i have no idea what i would say to a female anymore i really don't you know i do now i bet i would walk up to lauren and go hey you know what i vacuumed the whole house today did a couple loads of wash folded it put it away some of you ladies are liking this aren't you i said a whole pile of laundry i'm gonna iron every piece of that and i'd like to unload your dishwasher [Applause] the women are going oh my word you've been married a long time your wife will give you a list of things to do around the house am i right fellas a honeydew list honey do this honey do that can you imagine ever walking up to your wife hannah listed one here get these things done [Laughter] let me know how that works out for you not in a million years would it ever occur to any one of us to try and pull that one off i said to my wife you give me a list of things to do if i give you a list of things to quit doing how about that i want a honey don't list perfectly fair you know i don't want to list his ladies don't put so many pillows on the bench gee how many pillows do we need on a bed two has two pillows that's all we need on that i'll bet every bed here's got eight or ten pillows am i right fellas yeah what are you doing you go to bed guys you grab three i'm gonna throw them right on the floor you're gonna lay down somewhere if you put your head on pillow number three your feet are foot and a half off the end of the bed just grab them and throw them on the floor and ladies if you put a new bedspread on or new pillowcases we don't notice don't get upset you know why we don't care we don't care my wife said didn't you notice we had new pillowcases [Music] here's something every couple has in common i don't care if you've been together five weeks or 50 years you have your side of the bed you sleep on and under no circumstances will it ever change can you imagine going to bed some night your spouse went to bed an hour before he did you walk in there she's asleep on your side of the bed would you look at her go oh how sweet the love of my life fell asleep on my side of the bed i don't wake her up i'll sleep on her side of the bed no you pull up the sheets you go move over it's not like you want to sleep on her side of the bed you ever seen her nightstand some of the things sitting over there how about that file they're using their feet you ever seen that thing are you starting a fire you just scared the cat i'm taking the calluses off my heel we'll do that outside i'll get the shot back now should i grab the sander while i'm out there god i think i married wilma flintstone when your kids are little he keeps certain epic in the house you know what that is it makes you vomit it makes you throw up if they swallow poison give it to him i bought it when my kids were little i was reading the box it has an expiration date on it how bad can that go makes you puke hey don't swallow that that's all that's gone bad that'll make you sick right there you need to buy some new fresh syrup of epic guy hey kids come here we need to finish this off where are you guys together isn't phoenix so they have in phoenix i'm not making this up you know what they have in phoenix tanning salons yes they do you know what i've been to alaska i couldn't buy a snow cone just goes to prove people buy things they don't need i'm convinced that have you seen those ads on tv for that mirror clear if you can hear all the words but can't understand them you need miracle here if i can hear all the words but can't understand them i might be in mexico you know in seattle last three years we've had five major wind storms all five of those major wind storms every one of them been on a thursday you know how i know that it's my garbage it's day every one of those wind storms look at my garbage can never found it either but at least now i got a nicer one anybody else do the windstorm upgrade like oh man this one's nicer mine i'm grabbing this one we had a huge windstorm several years ago right before christmas everybody lost power five to eight days it's cute when you lose the power isn't it for 20 minutes for 20 minutes it's kind of a novel you're like i keep turning on that light it's fun for a few minutes day five it's lost his charm you're burning toys and furniture at that point let go of that you don't play with that anymore but after that storm in the seattle region 13 people died 100 people were hospitalized for barbecuing in the house you know what sometimes we just need to thin the herd i read those things a paper go that is so tragic but after that storm the washington state legislature held an emergency session specifically to pass the law now in the state of washington all barbecues have to have a sign on them telling you not to barbecue in the house do we really need to be told not to barbecue an ass here's one for you don't put bacon in your pants and tease a pit bull either there's certain things in life we don't need to be tall and if you're thinking about barbecue in the house i'm pretty sure you're not a reader [Laughter] and we follow that windstorm up with some snow you want some good comedy i want you to come to seattle we get a half an inch of snow you'll see the dumbest population you've ever seen in your life people just parking their car on a bridge walking home that's it i'm leaving it i was in downtown seattle i saw on fifth avenue a front-wheel drive honda civic tire chains on the rear wheels i wish i was making that up i just want to go to open up that door reach in and go you are so ignorant i can't believe it got a barbecue in your back seat you better not smell bacon ladies admit this too you're walking around in the snow and i see your husband or boyfriend holding under the arm she won't slip but basically your attitude is if i'm going down this idiot's going with me right here yeah i figured that one out right away let go let go let go it's slick out here did you guys see this mcdonald's announced they will no longer be using styrofoam they'll be using cardboard i'm thinking sooner or later they're gonna have to use me wow apparently mcdonald's fans in here i'm sorry i've been at my yard working on my yard i got these bald spots in the front yard i don't know what caused it they seem to be getting bigger i've tried everything to make grass grow nothing works i'm gonna do right next to the bald spot i'm gonna grow the grass really long break it over the top baby gonna make my yard great again [Applause] i did a show in billings montana woohoo it's a nice town it's the only town in america that considers chewing tobacco a vegetable auntie's like a sea of john deere hats and styrofoam cups it was ladies night huh [Applause] i was in portland oregon last summer this is a newspaper i was in portland the sheriff's department had pulled a headless body out of the willamette river said right in the article the multnomah county sheriff's department has not yet determined the cause of death he's got no head i just pictured all these cops and i go what do you suppose killed him think he drowned but that water ran right down his neck but the article went on to say they had not yet ruled out suicide i mentioned there was no head i mentioned that right how do you chop off your own head that's what i'm like oh jay this hurts wow what kind of plan was this how do you chop off your own head that's what i want to turn on the band saw run down the hall naked god honey we go to the emergency room let's try that new place in spanish for it how do you chop off your head hide your head go jump in a river oh finally i got my head off gee that's a lot of work all right i gotta hide this darn thing now okay there's a good spot they'll never find that i'ma go jump in the river where's the river about six weeks ago i seen the san francisco airport in the san francisco airport i saw a dwarf wearing a giant's jacket i got to be honest i couldn't stop laughing i'm looking around does anyone else not see how funny that is i work on about six or eight cruise ships a year i was up in juneau alaska it's beautiful you've never been there it's right on the water and these big beautiful mountains come up directly behind the city and early in the cruise season they still have snow on them the locals told me the number one asked question by these tourists they got off the ship and look around is what's the elevation here you just got off a boat you remember going uphill that is so sad i just grabbed my head and dipping that saltwater out of salt water see saltwater c c sea level first of my flu to last like 25 years i flew from seattle anchorage i had this bonehead sitting next to me he's talking because you've been to hawaii i've been there a couple of times because i've never been to hawaii in fact we land in anchorage i'll be the closest i've ever been to hawaii [Laughter] what makes you think we can fly three and a half hours north of sea i'll be closer to wire we're looking at a map i think the problem is every map the united states you've ever seen it's lower 48 right in the corner hawaii and alaska it took you a minute but you got it and i appreciate it i tore my hamstring a couple years ago i tore it really bad and i know you don't care and basically i did was aggravate an old high school fishing injury [Laughter] seeing if you're listening but i was getting all that i was thinking about that tearing muscles is unique to humans isn't it you've never seen your cat jump out of a dead sleep run down the hall it's true you ever seen a bird take off and pull away i'm gonna be walking for weeks ah these big webbed feet they're no good you don't really suck if you're a snake and you threw your back out well i see a dog just one time walk up to something go the old high school frisbee entry we have a cat at home he's got a cat at home cat owners cat owners yeah you ever step in cat puke barefooted about 3 30 in the morning oh more cat owners now that's nice isn't it stumbling into the bathroom at 3 30 in the morning half dead to the world oh god stupid cat oh that was still warm here's some of the cat owners you ever wake up to this at 3 30 in the morning [Music] jump out of bed in the dark naked with no glasses on all trying to do is find the cat so you can throw him on on the carpet not in the carpet where is he where is he not on the carpet [Music] all you do when you grab the cat is giving the heimlich maneuver you're walking back to bed i think i got him in time oh geez stop hey good thing these pillows are down here this you guys are wonderful thank you very much hope you had as much fun as i did thank you so much you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 9,306,580

Rating: 4.8333058 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Brad Upton, Brad Upton Dry Bar Comedy, Brad Upton Comedian, Brad Upton Comedy, brad upton full special, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedians, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Okay Boomer, gen z, triggered, millenials, baby boomer, dbc, ariana grande, takashi 6ix9ine

Id: j1Zg2S2-heY

Length: 39min 4sec (2344 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 31 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/Almostblindbandit]

Honestly, I think he’s pretty funny. He’s playing into the stereotype, not relying on it.

[u/Unusual-Angle-5371]

i have reoslved to re-shape my life around this boomer. I am abandoning the internet. change the world this is my final message. goodbye

[u/ImACoolHipster]

I wouldn’t say it’s cringey. It’s really fucking terrible comedy, but the guy at least has some stage presence and he’s genuinely trying.

[u/KORRIBAN_SENTINEL]

Oh yeah, us Gen Z's millennials can make jokes about boomers all the live long day but if a boomer dares to make a comedy stand up special about us, the it's suddenly cringe...

[u/therealkimjong-un]

LOL, I met this guy, he was my mom's track coach at UW.

[u/AssyMcFartpants]

That guy is funny as hell. Sorry

[u/BornInARolledUpRug]

Comedy that punches downward always leaves a bad taste.

Not to mention a lot of these jokes are heavily overused.

The guy's execution is undeniably good. He knows how to pace things, and i'll admit to a smile from some of these, but overall it just seems like he's compiled an entire special by reading the jokes on his facebook wall.

[u/geofox777]

Not really that cringe. Kinda beats a dead horse of a concept I guess but he has actual stage presence. He's not like some noob going up working on his first act, just sober comedy.

[u/VanillaCupkake]

Sounds like outdated 80’s comedy lmao.

Millennials am I rite?