You're Old If You Sound Like This. Ross Bennett - Full Special

ah all men get to this age now i don't know if women ever get to this age let me see uh of course you're not there you're not there i can't tell if you're there you're there and this guy you've been there for a while now what age am i talking about i'm at the age i'm starting to make noises when i don't want to make noises if i do any kind of work around the house i make two noises one noise when i do the work and then another noise is about a second later and it sounds like i'm thinking about the work that i just did now i'll show you and you'll get it watch this okay ready here we go ah don't get it are we all on board that's the whole joke right there everything two noises i move a lamp a mouse a little floor lamb [Laughter] i make noises doing almost nothing sitting down i come home at the end of the day i sit in my chair at the end of the day ugh have you ever sat down made a noise and had people concerned for your well-being after you make the noise are you okay are you all right i'm fine thank you very much i got my butt all the way back thank you you know i won't tell how old i am you know it's actually bad luck in show business to reveal your age to an audience but i'll tell you this i recently purchased a bed and the bed came with a 20-year warranty and as i paid for it i'm thinking to myself this is my deathbed [Laughter] so i'm getting a pillow top i deserve it i make noises doing almost nothing adjusting the thermostat in the living room how much work is a thermostat a dial it's on the wall a little dial sounds like i'm dragging a piano across the room man i love doing jokes and i do my thermostat bit and you laugh because that means you know what a thermostat is it's like these are my people i'll do that joke in manhattan and get no response because they all live in apartments with radiators they don't know what a thermostat is i better explain to audiences like in manhattan what thermostats were like they were children like there were little children gathered at my feet all right all right listen up listen up no no no scoot forward story time outside of cities they live in houses yes they do they really do inside their houses they have a choice as to what the temperature is going to be it's like science fiction because you've never lived in an apartment with a radiator not a lot of minute temperature it's just with the radiators radiators are on or off in the winter you can either comfortably hang wrong meats in the living room or you're running into your hallway on fire the only way to adjust the temperature and the part where the radiator is open the window we have a landlord here ladies and gentlemen they hope they raise and lower the window to adjust the amount of the arctic air mass they're going to let in honey it's getting toasty time for a nor'easter this guy is kind of funny i hope it is i'm in a friend's apartment i'm in a friend's apartment he's adjusting the temperature with a window see so as a joke i take a magic marker on the edge of the window i just rode in 78 76 74. that's funny right that's fine i call that a brooklyn thermostat that's a brooklyn thermostat when i work up in canada uh i have to adjust that joke because they're on the celsius scale you know because canadians are very you know canadians are very earnest they're good people but they take what you say literally right i'm over there i'm going 78 76 canadian guy stands up you're going to kill him that's too hot doesn't mean no you'll burn them up they're going to burn out what kind of a man are you i love canada my only problem with canada is their coins canadian coins come down and live amongst us i don't know you folks if i get a canadian quarter in my change my day is shot because for the rest of the day it's like i'm a kid i'm playing tag and i'm it because i'm trying to give it to somebody else sometimes you get a canadian quarter and you don't know you got it so it goes in your pocket you won't see it all day you're going to buy something you're reaching your pocket what you think is a regular quarter and you get this other thing and they're deceptive same size and the same weight but they have a different picture in your mind they'll try and justify it oh my gosh i just noticed apparently george washington was a transvestite my father my dad my dad used to make the same noise when he'd adjust the thermostat in our house only then he'd look over his shoulder i mean my dad used to go he'd go and look over at me let me go back that thermostat i think he thought i was somehow hooked up to the thermostat and if he got the temperature right i'd become the sun he wanted there you go that should do it right there no that ain't gonna do it i uh uh i'm a new yorker by the way i'm a new yorker but i'm not from the new york that you think of when you think of new york i'm not from new york city i'm from a small town in western new york state i call it new york country out where i'm from there's two kinds of guys guys who go hunting and guys who go hunting now do you know the difference between hunt ping and hunting hunting is for the good of the animals you got to kill some deer in the fall to have enough food for the others to eat in the winter that's hunting that's a little different hunting involves liquor and flashlights you're going on tulane county road and you see a sign with a bunch of bullet holes that's hunting right there stop this truck i'm gonna shoot something no you yield it's funny you tell people you're from new york and they assume it's new york city i was working recently in iowa i'm working in iowa i meet this guy he goes where are you from why from new york is oh new york i know all about you big city new yorkers ross have you ever been up in the empire state building that's presumptuous i mean i'm in iowa i don't assume this is your tractor and then i thought it was funny uh he asked me what presumptuous meant that's kind of funny presumptuous is one of those words i could not define it but i can give you an example of it i'm in a public restroom with an automatic deodorizer every couple of minutes you hear that little spray that little you know i walk in i've been there for less than five seconds that's presumptuous yeah my hometown is about 250 miles west of new york city my hometown is hornell new york hornell h-o-r-n-e-l-l hornell is a small town just on the outskirts of a walmart which means i'm a real american because real americans live close to walmarts and if it's a 24-hour walmart that's as good as our life will ever get because we're americans and sometimes we wake up and we need stuff you see you're sitting dead oh boy i'm gonna need a garden hose i can't wait i said i can't wait woman dang girl to hold me back anyone like me sometimes i shop at one of these stores i don't know what i need until i'm in the store because i don't shop like my parents my parents were very frugal people when they went shopping they always had a list and they would only buy what was on the list when i go shopping i don't have a list i have an hour i just grab a cart let's see what happens next thing i'm in the checkout line i look in my cart it's like coming to out of an alcoholic blackout i i don't know what i was thinking i always got stuff i don't need i got like a nursing bra i've got a nursing bra i got a nursing bra and a canoe hey and this is when i'll often abandon my shopping cart and don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about they're all over the store dozens dozens of half full carts they said little plaques this is where a shopper came to his senses i don't by the way i don't actually i don't actually live in town i live outside of town i got a couple hundred acres of woodland upon which i built a log cabin from a kit did you did you know that's how you build a log cabin the days of chopping down your own trees and holding them together with beaver dung are over if you want a log cabin where would you go where would you go where would you go where would you go no you don't go to walmart [Laughter] went to costco that's where i went there's a store big big you walk through the front door can't see the far wall because it curves over the horizon i was in a castle i'll tell you how big i was you ever seen an airplane hanger giant buildings where they construct enormous airplanes you can buy those on aisle seven actually i got my house on the internet that's where you get everything i went to log logcabin.com looked at all the models i got the james garfield it was a two bedroom one bath had a mudroom uh put my house on a credit card they delivered my house unassembled in a giant cardboard box it took a week to get the parse to my house out of the box i was so tired i started living in the box but i painted it because i'm not white trash i was great that was raised better than to live in an unpainted box i'm i'm environmentally conscious i i use solar heating now if you don't know how solar heating works it's like a greenhouse if you put plates of glass in your roof the sunlight comes through and that's enough to warm the air of your house now i want to turn the heat up one year so what i did i replaced a plate of glass with a seven and a half foot industrial magnifying glass it keeps the house toasty one minor problem you must stay out of my living room at 2 30. i have what appears to be a laser beam comes in this at a coffee table got a laser beam in my living room i uh i i used to have a dog well how do you think i feel the old curious chester chester was one of those dogs you know the kind of dog they see something they jump on it and play with it like a dust ball or a sock sometimes a 50 000 degree spot of light he must have played with that spot next to the coffee table for almost a second only time i ever heard him say [Music] now i want to take him for a walk i got to use a dust buster okay i'm gonna say right now some of you folks are taking this a little too seriously this is a comedy show for the record no animals were hurt and the creation of that stupid little joke you know people come up to me they say oh you go ross ross how do you come up with your jokes cause ross your jokes are odd your jokes are not of the style tone or content with which we are familiar because most people are used to the old-fashioned set up punchline joke now a setup is a piece of information that travels along in a linear fashion until there's a twist on the end an incongruity we call that the punch line i'll give you a good example i've been married twice i've been married twice i was widowed by my first wife okay i was divorced by my second wife as i sometimes say my first wife died and then my second wife wouldn't did you hear that did you hear that now breathe breathe breathe it's a comedy show breathe set up and then the punchline comes along bam smacks in the face well i've been working for quite a while and i got to tell you sometimes i get bored creatively i get bored so what i've done to kind of challenge myself is i'll write the punch line first and then i'll try and figure out some silly little story to get to that punch line and that's how i came up with the joke about the dog bursting into flames because of that sound effect that little [Laughter] because i've been making that sound since i was a little boy because when i was a little boy growing up in hornell new york we used to do something back then i got to tell you young people today they don't do this anymore but when i was growing up we used to do this all the time look out here a lot of you used to do this when i was a kid growing up every day after school we would go outside and play i'm not making this up [Applause] and we we would play army because our dads had all been in world war ii we wanted to be like our fathers we wanted to emulate our fathers that was my sound for guns and bombs little boys always loved making sounds like guns and bombs every day in the backyard you'd hear us pretending we were storming the beaches of normandy [Music] i almost passed out on that one yeah you ever do that you hold your breath and push too hard things get sparkly and don't get up by the way i'm fine what a compassionate group of people oh they're very kind yes they are he's having a stroke what should i do leave him alone you like my dad my dad was a retired marine corps lieutenant colonel a nice mellow guy i come from a military family my father he was in world war ii my grandfather was in the army during world war one i enlisted in the army out of high school in 1973 i just missed going to vietnam but i was in time for our country's war on drugs all right technically i fought for the other side but full disclosure i i'm what they call i've been clean and sober for 31 years clean and sober i'm very proud of that i stopped drinking in the early 80s when discos were popular discos helped people of my generation stop drinking because they had carpeting on the floor and for sound insulation they put the same carpeting on the walls now think about it carpeting on the walls of a bar how could you tell when you were falling down drunk i'll be right back i got a little help down here little help quick kicking man i'm a veteran back on my father's generation is called the greatest generation generation that fought and won world war ii and and they were and when you think about it they were great at winning world war ii they literally saved the world but it doesn't mean they were great at everything else they did for the rest of their lives they were human beings they were flawed and let's be honest the skills that they needed to crush fascism didn't necessarily transfer to raising a little boy combat reflexes necessary in battle unnecessary at dinner it's dinner drop a potato pick it up don't jump on it and tell the kids to run give you an idea of my father's reflexes i once spilled a glass of milk at dinner my dad yelled at me before the milk hit the table you got to visualize the milk is literally arcing in the air like a drill instructor he's out of his chair in my face what the hell you think you're doing there bonehead bonehead you build your glass of milk i've had it with you boy oh i got my eye on you boy drop down give me tim push-up i said get out of that high chair look at you look at you a baby you're a little baby i might have been the only guy to enlist in the army who already had ptsd i've got a son but i got a son and uh we always communicated much better than my father and i did when my son turned 17 he got his driver's license and we signed what was called at the time a sad contract uh students against driving drunk and here was the deal if he was to take the car say and he went any place and had anything to drink he made a promise an oath to not get in the car but to call me on the phone and apparently according to the contract we had signed i was going to be more than happy [Laughter] to get out of bed at 3 30 in the morning and go out and drag his little drunken butt back home oh what the heck i was going to walmart anyway come on i'm just glad he trusted me that's all a parent really wants a parent you just want your children to trust you enough that if they ever have a real problem in their life they'll come to you with their problems i don't think i could have ever called my father drunk when i was a t i don't see that phone call to the colonel i i do not see it oh dad i knew you come pick me up because if i was sober i couldn't get the car out of the pool then you hang up the phone and wait for the arrival of mr understanding he's going to want to give me a hug and how long would i wait with his reflexes i wouldn't get the phone halfway to the hook before i saw him fish tailing around a corner driving up in a classic american automobile the ford country square station wagon ltd lunatics transportation device cream-colored tan trim artificial wood paneling because in the 1960s in america nothing showed good taste more than fake wood it was a great car if you remember this guy had three seats had a front seat had a back seat and then there was a back back seat a third seat in the rear that flipped up and faced out the back window now the front two seats were reserved for the regular family and the rear flip up seat was for like mutant children pets with intestinal disorders and the visiting grandmother nana's always in the back passed out because they had their rear window down about an inch and a half she'd been breathing exhaust fumes all morning then is the seven-year-old boy flipping the bird out the back window that was me because i was in the back seat with my grandmother because i love my grandmother whenever i see young people today i always hope to have at least one grandparent in their life because grandparents love you like your parents cannot because they don't have to live with you i could do nothing wrong in my grandmother's eyes everything i did my nana would she'd praise me oh look at that look at that i never thought of actually taping the bowl right on the cat look at that oh you're a clever boy you're right that way the food is always there my nana told me she told me the first joke i ever laughed at this joke is over 130 years old if you have grandchildren in your life you take this joke to them if they're between 5 and 10 they'll think you're the greatest comedian in the world my nana said be happy god put the crack in your rear end vertical because if it wasn't when you went down the slide it would go [Music] look at that look at that it's a 130 year old joke and it's still quite effective my nana my nana used to come and visit us every summer for 10 months now we didn't have a guest room in our house growing up in a small town i didn't know anybody had a guest room what we had was my room so my nana would visit she get my bed and i sleep on the floor next to her in a sleeping bag and my favorite day uh it was sunday weekend before the rest of the family first she'd wake up see and then she'd wake me up technically she stepped on me we go downstairs and watch television i loved watching tv tv with my grandmother uh we each had a favorite show she loved professional wrestling true story she loved her his name was bruno san martino and my favorite my favorite show was the old time gospel hour because my dream as a child was to be a minister i wanted to spend my life standing in front of hundreds of people preaching the truth and this is the closest i will ever get [Applause] but both of these shows were on at the same time so what would we do back in the day we couldn't record one to watch later what we would do is we would share right you watch a little one show commercial would come on you flip the channel watch a little the other show you know flipping back and forth and in my child's mind the two shows would combine they'd become the professional gospel wrestling hour friends i want to remind you the peace crusade will be coming to atlanta this sunday afternoon at the war memorial auditorium all right the thunderbolt will destroy the gospel choir featuring sister jenny hanson and my brother the terminator you people you've seen me before i've broken men's legs i have made the crippled walk one thing you can count on someday the heavens will open up an eye the thunderbolt will pile drive nature boy into the depths of hades so be there on sunday bring a friend and i'll kill him hey thank you [Applause] i grew up in this little town in hornell and i always i always believed in i was always i was raised to always believe in god but i i always trusted that god would take care of me and he knew what i needed because we had a thing called a snow day applaud if you know what a snow day is [Applause] because i'll work down south i'll do work i'll do shows down in florida i talk about a snow day they think it's a day that drugs are delivered like i said no no no no a snow day it's a gift from god the day that i'd wake up look out my bedroom window see snow piled halfway up the window and i'd say there's a very good chance i'll not be going to school today my bedroom was on the second floor of the house and i'd run downstairs and sit in front of the radio the radio is where they ask the schools that were canceled and they announced my school cancelled and this is when i started to question if my mother really loved me because you have to think about this this is this is the worst day of the year it's a blizzard this 40 mile an hour winds it's sub-zero but she insisted i go outside and play she stuffed me in my snow suit send me outside to play in my oh so flexible snow suit made out of nylon imagine falling on an icy hill in a nylon snow suit it might as well be made of teflons wasn't that the bennett boy he fast that boy fast he flying he flies snowsuit wasn't the biggest round the biggest problem was a scarf my mother did me a scarf had to be 20 feet long and she'd stuff me in my snow suit wrap the scarf around my face like she's going to pull start the lawnmower but she'd always leave a little crack by my right eye and she'd take my glasses and put them back on the outside of my skull it's amazing i wasn't beat up more now there were three things to do for snow there's three there were three things to do on a snow day for fun skiing wasn't one of them by the way i never went skiing until i was an adult first time i went skiing was actually in breckenridge colorado and and on the ski slopes of breckenridge colorado i found the basic truth of human nature which is that good skiers lie to new skiers they say i will take you skiing they never leave they never take you skiing they leave you skiing they take you to the top of mountains mountains with names like no one has made it yet and widows peak and they leave you while they ski down the mountain they jump over moguls moguls which i'm convinced are new skiers that did not make it all the way down [Applause] now there were three things to do in a snow day for fun there were toboggans sleds and flying saucers now toboggans were for large families that couldn't afford a sled for everyone a toboggan is about a 15 foot long strip of varnished wood upon which you can pile three or four generations of a family and allow them to hurtle together to certain deaths singing the old traditional tobogganing song if you know it join with me tonight toboggans had a minor control problem they told you if you wanted to steer it you just have to lean i think we all know how effective leaning is when you're trying to move 1500 pounds of screaming flailing flesh out of the way of a tree we lost a lot of good catholic families that way old-fashioned catholic families in the 1960s kids in a two-bedroom house one bedroom referred to as the production chamber the other little more than a storage shed i grew up in a small family we were presbyterians i remember asking uh santa one year for a for a sled for a flexible flyer sled and apparently there was a mix-up in the orders department at the north pole i received a flying saucer now a flying saucer is a large round aluminum it's concave it's a wok it's a wok apparently santa felt i need my own chinese frying pan no little boys christmas is complete without stir-fry yes i took it to the top of the hill i sat down my little kid legs crossed my little kid arms crossed and if you know anything where i'm flying saucers you know you only ride them like this once all right what's wrong with the pictures the handles i couldn't see the handles through the crack of my scarf i had no peripheral vision i didn't know i had an option to grip the walk tight to my butt get my cheeks going back and forth first couple of feet down the hill is kind of fun after that physics takes over with velocity you develop a rotational factor the whole world's a white blur flying by the crack in my scarf every few seconds you see your parents pointing at you i hit a bump i get thrown off snow suit it's the ice i'm gone i went under a fence ended up in a ditch i'm just laying there that's it i'll just play here and wait for the angels to come and take me away then you hear a sound off in the distance it must be must be the angel's wings feverishly beating it's the flying saucer catching up [Laughter] remember when you're a kid you're screaming osama come out you only see how he tried to breathe moose are coming out of the tree line life was symbol when you were seven years old all you had to do to make something feel better was rub it why should all you've been a wonderful audience a comedian could not have asked for a finer group to get up in front of and dance your laughter and applause are like golden coins thrown at my feet but all good things must come to an end every comedian you see will have a piece of material we save it for the anniversary we call it our big finish it's meant to bring you to an extra level of applause and laughter a little bad news i already did my big i got some jokes left but they're older jokes from the beginning of my career do you mind if i close with an older joke from the beginning of my career is that okay can you uh can you believe this whole watergate thing every generation has events that bond them together my parents generation pearl harbor day my generation the assassination of president kennedy i was in third grade my teacher came in the room she's crying and she says children go home your parents have something they'll want to tell you and i ran home confused i was scared i was eight years old i went to my dad i said dad dad my teacher was crying she said there was something you'd want to tell me my father pulled me and he was come here let me tell you come here come here come here listen the woman's a liar it's a joke it's a joke my father comes to visit me at the log cabin there really is a log cabin he's now an elderly man he's looking around he's all bent over he's like give up where's your thermostat where kid heck you built this house where's the i said dad i told you i have solar heating with solar heating there's no thermostat he said solar heating no thermostat how does that work i said why don't you have a chair over here by the coffee table i'll explain it at 2 30. i always like to close my shows by taking a little poll by applause who here is 50 and older applaud if you are 50 and older that's enough don't hurt yourself be careful applaud if you're unemployed you're under 50. [Applause] the question i leave you with what is the major difference between those of you who are over 50 and under 50 of you know it just shouted out a colonoscopy now people say ross why do you talk about a subject like this it's very private i actually do it as a public service i figure if i can get everybody laughing about it appropriately when they're in their 20s and 30s and 40s then maybe when the doctor tells them it's time for the examination they won't put it off because for some of those people it turns into a tragedy in their lives and for their families so here's what's going to happen someday you'll be 50 years old this young man you'll be 50 years old you'll be in your doctor's office he'll be looking at his paperwork and he'll be thinking to himself i need to make a payment on my boat he tells you it's time for your colonoscopy you get uncomfortable you you think it's going to hurt they don't hurt because they give you drugs i always tell young people do not do drugs but if the doctor insists you've got to do it they give you legal narcotics you go in fear you quickly become an old jazz musician there's no pain if there's anything it's the night before where there's a little discomfort my favorite part of the show this is where those of us who have had one know something they do not very powerful feeling they act like they said they walk around like they know everything there's some things you don't have a clue about the night before your colonoscopy you must clean out your gastrointestinal tract you must do it it's your job and it doesn't seem fair the doctor's getting a thousand dollars he should do it but they won't go on your high knee until it's bright and shiny they give you a gallon bottle of liquid the brand name of the liquid go lightly and don't believe them it's a lie it's a violent caustic liquid they call it prep they should call it the night of a thousand waterfalls it left me chapped so i'm here to offer advice i'm gonna listen the last thing i'll tell you i'm here to offer you two pieces of advice for those of you when you came to your first one or for those of you who apparently will have your sixth or seventh here you go you ready for this chapstick get yourself a two dollar tube of chapstick now you don't want it to be medicated or mentholated regular original and my second piece of advice and trust me on this don't let what happened to me happen to you when you're done with the chapstick you can just throw it away you can throw it away throw it away keep it a wonderful audience thank you thank you for letting me entertain you you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 495,227

Rating: 4.912385 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Ross Bennett, Ross Bennett Dry Bar Comedy, Ross Bennett Comedian, Ross Bennett Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Old Age, old man noises, getting older, snow days, death bed, military father, wrestling

Id: 5VZqSSB1I0g

Length: 40min 27sec (2427 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 15 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Uberhipster]

funny man

voice sounds a bit like Alec Baldwin's

[u/tentativetitle]

I am not familiar with him, is he actually old or is he a younger guy playing an old man character? He doesn't look 65.

[u/clce]

Hi is funny, plus a very polished but not too practiced stage presentation. Great stuff.

[u/No_Factor_2600]

"of our own time" -- is he dead or something? this sure looks modern.