Republicans Aren't Real People. Brandon Vestal - Full Special

there's an app in california that tells you if republicans live in your neighborhood i'm not a political guy i don't i can't get in it's just exhausting to me it seems like just ugh but i have picked up on this living in california if you're a republican in california you better keep that to yourself they hate republicans they don't hate anything more than republicans encounter republicans they're not even real people okay they're like these mythical creatures that hide in the bushes now snatch up your kids and force them to get a job [Applause] there's an app in california that tells you if republicans live in your neighborhood i've seen it there's little elephant heads on the houses i feel sorry for republicans it's rough for them out there they can't slip up i gotta hide all the time they can't say what they mean they can't one day be with their california friends and be like you know what i think life big is a conception like what what'd you just say i said i love paying for other people's contraceptives [Music] [Laughter] if you know your history of the republicans in california they used to have a big it was a proud party and he was a big major party in california and i know for a fact what's left of the republican party in california meets in secret in the san fernando valley in old addicts that are too small to stand up straight in and they just rant to each other because that's all they have left they're like you know what i think we just lower that corporate tax rate a little bit more to get more businesses coming back to america get more business started therefore more people be working then more people will be paying in to the taxes and then we'll be to sustain the entitlements for the people who really need them and you know what else guys i like black people well yeah i like black people too why do they keep saying that about us i like you know any black people no thanks for having me in your town this is a beautiful town beautiful scenery around here and it's good because your red lights are like 40 minutes long dude there's something to look at why are they so long i got here yesterday and i was at a light and i was like oh this is beautiful this is crazy okay i'm good but it just kept this just stayed wrist like the city was like no look longer look at it it's beautiful it's good to be here to see you guys i was i had a flight from tampa to los angeles where i lived a couple of days ago and i was checking into that flight you know they make you put your bag on there and you weigh it that lady from the airline looked up she goes so your back is over 50 pounds and for safety reasons we can't put bags in excess 50 pounds on to the flight so i start to grab the bash goes but if you give us a hundred more dollars we'll go ahead and throw it on the plane for i was like well that's great but how does that fix the safety issue that you're just so concerned about let me get this straight if i give you a hundred more dollars you're gonna turn on the extra safety features of this aeroplane like i didn't know that's how it worked they shouldn't gain that kind of information we're about to take off like certainly put your seat up for about take off i just threw a hundred i was like [Applause] here's five more trey stays down the whole time a tray down kind of guy plane started taxiing out i still have my phone out she got so mad you come running down i said so i need to put your phone away the signal from your phone can interfere with the planks and that could be i just threw my credit cards don't you talk to me anymore everybody gets wi-fi don't worry about the signals everyone i've paid extra for the safety package it's all good it's all good i recently got the tsa pre-check yeah it went straight to my head now i go to the airport and i just pace in front of the unchecked look at you winding around all unchecked you guys need to check yourself [Music] one guy who got really mad at me and later it turns out we're on the same flight and we were boarding he got the board in front of me he walked by and write my face he said group one [Laughter] like act like you've been there before buddy the flight from tampa to l.a was called flight 10 that was the name of it flight 10. i didn't feel very comfortable flying across the country on flight 10. every flight i've ever been on has been a strong four-digit number flight 1455 they check both engines before that flight takes off flight 10 that sounds like a test that sounds like there's just some guys in the room trying some stuff you know and it's not been going well it's like they're in a room like guys flight nine that was a disaster you really need the wheels you need the wheels you do you do you don't need them for the flying part but you definitely need them for the landing part so i was kind of right anyone got any ideas for flight 10 who's turning it who's got an idea for flight tail i got one what's a six hour non-stop flight okay how about we put a quarter of a tank of ethanol fuel in it play nothing on the speakers but barack obama's speeches and let's see how far flight 10 can go on corn juice and hope it's flight 10. who cares [Applause] this is spirit airline flight 10. we're gonna lose like two taxpayers let's try some stuff let's figure it out had something happen to me it's never happened before i had a flight from la to charlotte and had a layover in baltimore the plane landed it got 20 yards from the gate and the plane stopped and the pilot came on it's like sorry ladies and gentlemen we're going to be here a while we can't just pull this plane up to the gate we got to get a tow this model plane has to be towed in have you ever heard that that was driving me i was like what do you mean he had the plane he kept coming we waited like 40 minutes for this toyota show and he kept talking like that was no he's like sorry this model plane this model plane needs to tell us like you mean the model plane that just took off from los angeles california used two massive engines to get up to 30 000 feet and then soared from sea to shining sea like a proud bald american eagle used its fancy gizmos and gadgets on board to locate one strip of concrete in baltimore maryland landed safely on that concrete got 20 yards from the gate and all of a sudden that same plane is like i am exhausted right now america is big man and then the toe showed up is the size of a golf cart it wasn't a small is a big plane toted like 20 feet and then i had golf clubs on the back of it i don't like turbulence that scares me i don't understand how the plane doesn't crash getting knocked around like that you think i'd be used to it but i'm not i was like the worst flight i was ever on was like almost two and a half years ago i think and i thought that thing was going down for sure i was like i gotta do something to distract myself or i'm gonna cause an incident on this flight [Music] so i was like i'll just put my headphones in and i'll watch whatever they're on tv to distract myself and make me feel better what they had on the tv that night was the first presidential debate of the 2016 election that's what it was and i watched the whole thing and after that i got to tell you i was totally cool with that plane crashing i was so cool with it i was like hey i tried to make it happen i was like hey one's gonna win let's just take it down now i don't want to go back down how fast can it go straight down because that's how fast we should do it such a divided nation right there no i don't know how you fix it's scary you know and i you know the 2020 election's starting so that'll probably that'll bring us back together you hear growing up i'm sure you heard it everyone hears it especially lately you hear you gotta express yourself gotta express yourself always be confident enough to express yourself the world would be a much better place if everyone could just express themselves well we're about 10 years into social media now and everyone can express themselves what do you think oh yeah what's that how interesting would it be if you could tell our founding fathers about twitter if you could break that tool and then blow their mind everyone can say anything they want anytime yeah yeah well we're taking away that first amendment we're not gonna have that bring it back in don't print anything get everyone back we gotta have another meeting because when they gave us the freedom of speech that's back when everyone lived in farms you need to know yeah say whatever you want no one's going to hear you who cares like if you want to talk some smack to george washington you had to get in a buggy and it took like three months to go 20 miles half your family was gonna die of smallpox along the way man it'd blow their mind they'd probably be like well the people talking are the educated people right it's obviously people that know what they're talking about no not at all what does the president take part in these things saw this commercial day for these chips nowhere in the commercial they tell you how good the chips taste the whole commercial was to tell you that the bag is now easier to open [Music] that's all they talked about in the whole commercial that the bag is easier to open than it used to be i didn't have i just been super strong this whole time just finding out about it because i tell you right now open a bag of chips that's nothing to me anytime i want chips i'm like [Music] what's next life i've been blowing people's minds my whole life and i'm not even realizing every time i've been at a picnic and open my bag of chips people at other picnics are probably like [Laughter] i was a scrawny kid i never got picked on always wondered why they probably saw me open a bag of chips like the first great first day of school don't mess with that kid you see what he did little [ __ ] that kid keeps his air jordans commercials are ridiculous they make stuff way more glamorous and they shouldn't be like i don't know if you notice this but tequila is trying to convince everybody that tequila is smooth now every commercial i see for the cues it goes down smooth it's so smooth i heard that enough i was like wow they must have fixed it i tried some they haven't done anything to it you guys it's the same horrible drink it's always been you shouldn't be able to tell people that tequila is the least smooth drink that you can drink that's why there's so many distractions people don't just take a drink of tequila like they're doing else no you gotta do all this other stuff you gotta lick this and suck on that [Laughter] what are you trying to hide to kale what are you up to every commercial for tequila starts the exact same they got a cool actor drinks some tequila at the beginning of the commercial and then smooth things happen to him throughout the rest of the commercial what they're implying there is that smooth things happen after you drink to kill nothing smooth has ever happened to anybody after they've been out there's never been one person that was out drinking tequila one night and they woke up the next morning they couldn't remember anything so they call their friends up and ask them what happened and have their friends describe their behavior from the night before as smooth that's denver had no one's ever like what happened man i don't remember anything last night what happened like oh my god never seen you like that before huh you were just so slow [Laughter] you were so articulate you were very respectful to all the young ladies dude you peed in all the legal places to pee i've never seen you do that sober that was an impressive evening my friend wearing three thousand dollar suits to drink tequila in those commercials you don't wear a three thousand dollar suit if you know you're gonna be drinking to keep you should wear something a little more practical for that occasion i don't know what that plastic would probably be the best thing i think all tequila should come with the 99-cent gas station poncho i think that's just a good idea i think that's a good business idea there's actually a business i've tried to start in california but i can't find any republicans to help me get my business started i was watching this young lady be interviewed on tv the other day on some show and they were interviewing her because she came up with this machine young lady 24 years old she came over this machine and what it did is it filtered dirty water into clean drinking water quickly and cheaply it looked like a little plastic box and they sent these things all over the world to these poor countries and they said because of her invention they saved thousands of lives and they said how did you come up with this idea and she's like oh is this on my couch daydreaming and it came to me what that is incredible that she could come up with something like that just on her couch because that it made me feel terrible because the other day i was on my couch and for two hours i thought to myself how many people would have to die before i was the greatest basketball player on earth i gave that serious thought for two hours [Laughter] at the end of two hours i concluded that you know be a lot like there'd be so many dead people at that point that you know it wouldn't even be fun to be the best basketball player on earth because noah would care you know because of the tragedy i mean no one would care about like hey you guys want to get a game and i know brandon we're trying to rebuild maybe should pick up a shovel and help us with this rebuild [Music] i'm sorry i don't know anything about shovels or building but you just let me know if you need any help getting buckets because i'm the best i'm the best that's left i know i'm not supposed to hate large groups of people at one time i know we're really frowning upon that but i do they're here in your town i saw them they're everywhere they're called pedestrians why is it no matter where you're at you're trying to get to the intersection and you gotta put some guy across the street in front of your car that looks like he just got to earth [Laughter] i think you should be able to hit three pedestrians a year no questions asked you just get to do that with your citizenship it's a perk maybe that's a little harsh it's hard maybe you could just nudge through with your car or you can trade in your three nudges for one full speed hit that's what i would do i'd say before the full speed and i'll tell you exactly who i'd hit i saw this guy today here's this guy i want to hit that guy so bad and for no other reason than to prove to him that he is not a jedi it was a movie nerd now get across the street sure how much force my car has you little prick i hate you i got a text from my best friend back in l.a today he's going to propose to his girlfriend next weekend so i got about five days to stop that from happening she sucks i can't stand this woman she's ugh i've only been together a year and he's going to propose this ugh she's so annoying this is how she what she's like i met her a year ago he brought her around to this place we were hanging out and it's my friend's new girlfriend trying to make her feel welcome you know so we're talking and somehow we start talking about europe and i told her i'd never been to europe and you just thought i just slapped her in the face ran out of the bar or something she was so upset that i've never been to years like you never been to europe what do you mean you've never been to europe have you never been to europe you've never been are you serious right now you've never been to europe luke did you know that brandon has never been to europe have you never made it to your how old are you how have you made it this far in your life it's like look lady it was easy i just didn't go to europe it's the easiest thing i've ever done in my whole life i didn't know i was doing it till we had this conversation that's how good i am at it watch this not going you see that you see what i just did just like that last basketball season we were watching the first weekend of the playoffs at his house right and she walked in she's like are you guys just going to watch basketball all day [Music] this is what she did she put her hand on her stomach guys that's disgusting that's disgusting that's the word she used to describe us watching basketball she doesn't know what words mean there was nothing disgusting about us watching basketball we weren't rubbing mayonnaise all over each other as we watch basketball we were like oh get it lebron get it oh yeah this is great i love basketball this is fantastic if that's what we're doing i'll be like you're right i'm glad you showed up there's got to be a better way you're right you save me a lot of money on mayonnaise it's a lot of games i live in california i like living in california it's fine it's a ripoff though i mean it's falling apart if it rains for more than 10 minutes half the road dissolves they're probably some sort of california roads not real concrete it's like avocados and almonds i think it's good for the planet you know we don't want not for roads so many taxes just tax taxes they want to tax us for how many how many miles we drive in our own cars that's that might happen my environment friend's like that's great just to save the environment they can text me it's gonna save the environment like you won't be talking when you can't have plants or a yard because of photosynthesis taxes and they're not gonna do one plant tax they're gonna tax you on every synthesis we have uh the legal marijuana in california that's a big deal whoa didn't expect that didn't expect that at all here but that's cool it's your last day living here [Music] [Laughter] [Music] but it had you know the night it passed i was with a friend of mine at dinner at this restaurant that came across the tv that they had that it passed he stood up in the restaurant he's like this is it finally man i'm gonna smoke my marijuana wherever whenever i want and i was like marijuana was illegal well they must have made tv commercial got the word out because i don't think anybody knew that everybody's high in california you could think what i'm about to taste the exaggeration or flat out live but it's true about four years ago i got pulled over by a high cop he was high he came to my door he's like excuse me sir do you know why i pulled you over i'm like no officer i don't i was kind of worried about myself he's like when i'll have you stopped here you do look kind of suspicious so i think i need to check your car for snacks [Laughter] it's like i don't have any snacks in my car sir he's like about a power invested in me by the state of california i demand you to take me to get some snacks i said well can we take your car he's like yeah i was like can i drive real fast i'm on the highway to siren and he's like absolutely why wouldn't we do that and that's what we did it's my favorite l.a day i'll never forget it today i got my gun and my lady friend were just moving to a new condo there in los angeles we lived there for about four hours a little bit about four hours and this lady came up banging on the door and soon as open doors start yelling at me no hello no introduction nothing soon's overdose i live right below you and i can hear you guys walking around and i'm about to lose my mind like i'm sorry but unfortunately that's the only way i know how to get from one room to literally anywhere else i'm gonna go in my life i mean that's how i was taught i'm from a small town in oklahoma in oklahoma we're like hey we go kitchen get a snack i'll just use my legs again and then we get up and we walk over there supposed to fish your way just come a couple days later back down the door same thing bro it's me from downstairs again and i can hear your dog running around and i'm about to i was like look lady i got bad news for you you are gonna hate living here you're gonna hate it here because knowing this apartment knows how to hover none of us know how to do that and if we didn't know how to hover we're gonna learn this terrible condo because me and my amazing floating family would be touring the country making millions of dollars right now you don't know who i was if i moved in because i'd be on the tv every time i was in your city come see brandon vest from his amazing floating miniature picture and lady friend but you didn't cause that's not real so won't you go back downstairs before i end up on the news again and it won't be for opening chips [Music] we have a big beautiful pool at the complex right beautiful got waterfalls olympics it's beautiful but what we don't have is a lifeguard or someone who's been through some sort of class in case something goes down no what we have on the wall life-saving sentences because everyone knows there's an emergency you got time to read and learn and apply what you just read and learn to an emergency situation i don't know how they expect that to go down like brandon steve's down he's not breathing what are we gonna do bring the wall oh look at number one says he shouldn't have been running in the first place he's always in a hurry ah looking forward he says we're gonna put our mouth on his mouth and blow looks like steve is gonna die today i know too much about steve rest in peace try to fix things around the new place i don't know how to i try i really try you know how i fix things i blow on them that's right i'll blow on it twice my and if that doesn't work i smack it and if that doesn't work this is broke we got a new one of these that's what i do worked on video games when i was a kid yeah there's a working real life makes me like an idiot i was in a car in the 405 that broke down and i don't know what i was thinking i just started hanging out with this guy i was trying to show off like i don't know what i was thinking had him pull over and pop the hood i look like such an idiot there's cars zipping by me at like 90. there's smoke from the engine hit me in the face i'm on the side of the road try it now no no well i don't know officer we're gonna have to get the snacks another way i tell you what you stay here with the car and give me your gun i shall return get ripped off all the time always get rid of i belong to a gym called 24 hour fitness it closed at 11. i don't like to go to restaurants that i think are ripping us off because they try to get out of stuff like sushi places cook the food there's loss don't trust you my friends know this about me they call me up and they call me up the other day they're like brady gotta go with us tonight we're going this cool place the theme is japanese barbecue everything's cooked everything's cooked we know how you feel about that so but it's cool you gotta come and i was like all right if everything's cooked i'll go here's the theme of the japanese barbecue place you sit down at a table there's a grill in the middle of the table you order what you want they bring it out raw and you cook it yourself they got us ikea what really upset me is how into it my friends were like they never seen a grill before the loop ran and i put that chicken on it starts to sizzle i'm a japanese barbecuer i was like yeah guys this part the greatest night of my life maybe if we give him more money then let's do the dishes and take out the trash let's do this thing and my wife had a kid we still have it i have the kid and i'm supposed to be a dad now huh i know i don't know how good i'm gonna be cause like i'm addicted to sugar that's my thing not drugs no alcohol just sugar i love sugar i'm trying to stop because trying to be a good example but it ain't gonna happen like two years ago i was in the grocery store in the cereal aisle and they had frosted flakes with lucky charm marshmallows in it yeah i just started shaking i'm just now getting my life back together blew my mind [Music] this is my first kid only kid i've never been around kids i was the only child not a big family so it's been a lot of learning going on i get yelled at for stuff all the time like stuff i don't think i should be getting you know that for i don't think it makes sense when he was seven months old i was on the couch streaming a bottle and my wife came in she's like what are you doing what are you doing [Laughter] keeping it alive [Laughter] this is what she was mad about this blue mama she says i don't want him to have too many baby bottles because he has too many baby bottles he's gonna like the baby bottle more than he likes the real thing and then i'm not gonna be able to latch on to the real thing because he's gonna want the plastic baby bottle i was like we don't have anything to worry about because no son of mine [Applause] don't worry no son of anybody it's not that's new moms don't worry about that it's not even close and if it was you wouldn't be able to keep baby bottles on the shelf [Music] every lonely guy in america be swiping up all the baby bottles you're terrible what's the hungry kids running around he's uh three and a half now and he's just i i don't like him i mean i love him to death but i don't like him right now we're doing the terrible twos and threes that's a real thing he's a oh and we're trying to potty train him and it's not going well because when he poops he poops like this [Laughter] and he's been such a little prick lately that i don't think we're going to teach them the right way to do it it's like good luck making friends and getting a girlfriend when you poop like a fountain good luck teach you to embarrass me my favorite target i never forget yeah i have a wife i like her she's all right i like her i don't like everything about her she's got short little legs i have long legs i've been able to walk at a normal rate of speed for like a decade now and if i do walk at an even half normal speed i just leave her she's actually supposed to be here tonight but i had to get on the plane i don't know where she was she's fine she's a big girl if you see you ever see me walking with my wife it looks like one of those sasquatch videos you know good thing about my wife is we don't fight that much a lot of couples fight a lot that's not we're not like that but when we do can get scary like she she does this thing i think she starts fighting with me about 10 minutes before i get in the room because i seem to always miss the logical points of these arguments i don't think i'm showing up for the beginning of the show i think i'm coming in late the other day i'll walk in the front door and i can hear yelling in the back i'm like oh my god what's going on i run back there she's yelling at me i haven't been home all day then she sees me and she's like i was like oh my god i was like i don't even know what you're mad about i don't put up with this right now i'm just going to leave i don't want to put over this and when i said i was going to leave demon level number two came out she was so she like started pacing back and forth she's like oh you're just going to leave you think you're just gonna label that's not working for me burns that's not working for you so that's not working for us you're the one that messed this up so you need to fix it right now you're not going anywhere until you fix this because you mess it up fix it i was like i don't even know what you're mad about so i just walked up to and i was like that's my time you guys you guys have been fantastic thank you very much [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,520,992

Rating: 4.6989436 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Brandon Vestal, Brandon Vestal Dry Bar Comedy, Brandon Vestal Comedy, Brandon Vestal Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Republicans, Democrats, Biden, Trump, California Republicans, clinton, obama, secret

Id: P6PDYNWaZL0

Length: 40min 36sec (2436 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 30 2020