I know you guys have the mountains and they're beautiful. They're gorgeous right? Some of you don't know that you can go over them and leave this area, do you guys know that? (audience laughing) You know you don't have to stay here. (audience laughing) "Well, there's Indians in the mountains, "Jason we don't... (audience laughing) "Do you know the way?!" (audience laughing) So, you guys get winter here too. You'll get it pretty soon, like tomorrow, maybe? (audience laughing) Black people, we don't like the winter. Nope. (audience laughing) 'Cause you can see us. (audience laughing) Think about it. (audience laughing) Black people will never get caught in a blizzard. You ever hear that happen to people? (audience laughing) They get trapped in their car somewhere, it's usually you white people. (audience laughing) You're out driving somewhere where you don't belong! Someone in your car goes, "We should take a shortcut "through the mountains!" (audience laughing) A week later, you're eating one another. (audience laughing) That'll never happen to black people. We'll get out of our car, take all of our clothes off, lay in the snow, the helicopters will find us very quickly. (audience laughing) "There they are! (audience laughing) "They look like Rolos. (audience laughing) "I love chocolate." (audience laughing) Oh, there's more, strap in. (audience laughing) 'Cause today, when I walked up here, some of you were like, "Jason, what are you? "Kind of a beige frosty." (audience laughing) Well, I'm biracial. My mom was white, and my dad was black. I had no clue what I was growing up, wouldn't you agree kids? Kids don't know, right? Wouldn't you agree? Kids have no clue what they are, we teach 'em what they are. I had no clue what I was until one night, in the playground, I found out what I was. I was playing with five of my white friends, this kid walked on the playground, yelled out the n-word, and I was like, "Where?! (audience laughing) "They are not allowed "in this neighborhood!" (audience laughing) You should've seen my five white friends, they were just like, "Uh, are you gonna tell him?" (audience laughing) Had to go home and ask my mom, the woman who carried me for nine months, if I was a different race than what I thought I was. "Mom! "Am I black? "What?! (audience laughing) "I don't want to learn how to rap." (audience laughing) That poor woman, from that point on, could not get me to drink a drop of white milk. (audience laughing) And I was like, "Burn my toast, woman, I'm black!" (audience laughing) I was doing that from that point on, in my underwear, always. Anything she would say, "Come to dinner." "Ahh! "Black people don't eat." (audience laughing) I hate racism 'cause they hate you for what you are and that's stupid, 'cause none of us in this room chose what we are, right? Yeah. (whoops from audience) It's not a rally, calm down there, sir. (audience laughing) Although, if we were to have a rally, I'd want you to head it up. (audience laughing) I hate racism. I hate racism for one reason only, 'cause they hate you for what you are, and that's stupid 'cause none of us in this room chose what we are, right? Before I was born, I was not standing in line somewhere going. "Oh my god. (audience laughing) "I am not standing in this white line, "it's too long!" (audience laughing) "What?" "I don't care if they're getting "YETI coolers or not." (audience laughing) "What?" "No, I'm not getting in "the Native American line, "everybody keeps taking all their stuff." (audience laughing) He's like, "What?" (audience laughing) You guys want to continue this party, go out there in the Provo area, find yourself an Asian man and try to get him to say the word, Hubba Bubba, they can't! (audience laughing) Ask him, "Excuse me sir, "you have any Hubba Bubba?" He'll go, "Oh no, "I'm all out of hah-bahba." (audience laughing) A lot of you will not try that, but there will be one person in this room, (audience laughing) that is gonna be at a Starbucks, just screaming at some poor Asian, "SAY IT! (audience laughing) "Say it!" (audience laughing) The poor guy's gonna be like, "I don't...what do you want? "I don't know what you want." (audience laughing) I hate going to the bathrooms, I think guys would agree. We don't like going to bathrooms, it's weird for us. You ladies love going to bathrooms, they put all kinds of stuff in there for you, trees, (audience laughing) candles, (audience laughing) a bench. (audience laughing) What in God's name, would you need a bench, in a guys' bathroom for? (audience laughing) "Those Levi's? (audience laughing) "Good fit." (audience laughing) We don't need this. I'll tell you one of the other things I love about... First of all, when you go in these bathrooms these days, they will make the smartest person look like a complete moron trying to get the water on. (audience laughing) There's this one thing I love about bathrooms, this is the only thing I could find that I love about public bathrooms, is foam soap. (audience laughing) Don't you love the foam soap? (audience laughing) You never know where you're going to get it. It's always a surprise like a present from a stranger. (audience laughing) "It's foam." (audience laughing) By the time guys are walking in, I've got big Mickey Mouse hands. (audience laughing) "Uhh, could someone "help me with my zipper?" (audience laughing) I have a beautiful wife. I am married, she's my best friend. I honestly feel, I don't want to get too corny here, that we're gonna probably take our last breaths together, on this earth, I really feel that. (crowd awwws) Oh, no, no, it's not because of what you think. It's because we both have an anger problem where we're going to kill each other at the same moment. (audience laughing) (crowd awwws) He's like, "Awww!" (audience laughing) I love my wife, she is awesome. I have a woman I got from a Latin country, she's from Honduras. Yep. And, wouldn't you think if you get a woman from Honduras, she'd by default, know how to dance? Yeah, just come with it. Like, you buy a refrigerator, it comes with a door! Yeah. (audience laughing) Nobody buys a refrigerator with no door, right? Well I bought a, I bought a.... I didn't buy a Latin woman, that... (audience laughing) did not come out right. (audience laughing) Let's start over. (audience laughing) What I'm trying to say is, 13 years in, I realized, my woman, who is authentically Latin, like she comes from Central America, cannot dance. I have a defective, broken, Latin woman. (audience laughing) I'll give you an idea of what she looks like if she dances. You know those things that you blow up on Saturdays, in front of car lots, (audience laughing) that get you to come in and buy a car? (audience laughing) People are tapping me on the dance floor. (tap sound) "Yeah?" "You know, you should put "something in her mouth, "she's gonna bite her tongue off." (audience laughing) We have a beautiful, little 16-month old baby girl at home. (crowd cheers) Yeah. Oh, no, she's not mine, she's just... (audience laughing) No, she's mine, I'm kidding. It's comedy night, yay! (audience laughing) No, she's... I'm in love all over again. She's 16 months, and her name is Danali. Yeah, beautiful name and this is the only thing I can tell you about Danali, when you take her clothes off to dress her or change her she loses her mind, and she just starts screaming at the top of her lungs. She kicks her legs, just gets very violent, and then, she goes number two. (audience laughing) We've taken her back to the doctors, and they're like, "Well, it's not normal, "but it's not abnormal, "please take her home." (audience laughing) But as her father, I hope this continues well into her thirties. (audience cheering) Those little punks going to come to my door, "Hey, Mr.Russel, "you want me to have your daughter " in by nine?" "Nope! "You can keep her out all night, son. (audience laughing) "You bring her back when you think "she's ready to come back. (audience laughing) "She'll let you know." (audience laughing) I have an older son, too. I live in Texas. He won a car, from his high school, for perfect attendance. Do they give your kids cars here for any type of achievements? Yeah. Well, what? I would've lived at my school if at the end of that race would've been a car. (audience laughing) So I was on the road, this is what happened, they took ten kids, anybody who had perfect attendance could've gotten in the, you know, the bowl. So, you pick ten kids. Ten kids next day, go on the lawn, and try to start the car. Two news channels were on the lawn, whole school watching these kids' keys trying to start the car. My kid's keys started the car. 2000 Camaro. (audience cheers) Yeah. The video came back, after, you know, I got off the road and I'm going to show you what my son did when his keys started the car. This is exactly what he did. This is what I saw in the video. His keys start the car, he gets out of it, and he's like... I was like, "Son, "why didn't they show the video "where you're running around? "Why didn't they send this?" This is the exact conversation I had with him and he goes, "I wasn't running around." I go, "What do you mean "you weren't running around?" He goes, "Well, dad, "I knew the other nine people "that weren't going to win the car "were going to get "a $100 Best Buy gift card." (audience laughing) "Okay." He goes, "Well, "when my keys started the car, "in my mind, I was like, "Wait a minute, "I'm not getting a "$100 Best Buy gift card.'" (audience laughing) I said, "Son... "What? "You won the car! "You!" And he goes, "I know, "but I already had "all my games picked out." (audience laughing) That's our generation, though. That's our generation. I am fearful that I'm going to walk into my nine year old's room and I'm going to say, "Hey son, let's go to Six Flags." He's going to be like, "Dad, I don't go to Six flags. "I watch these two kids on YouTube, "they go to Six Flags and..." (audience laughing) Somehow, it's our fault. I don't know how but it's our fault. Hey, I am so glad that nobody is wearing a vest in here tonight. Yeah. We're not talking like ladies you might wear a vest to accentuate your outfit, no. We're talking like, guys you gotta go to a camping store and buy it, it's got duck feathers in it. (audience laughing) Even when my mom put a vest on me when I was younger, I was like, "Well, I guess we don't "have that much money. (audience laughing) "When do we get the rest "of the jacket, lady? "On your tax check?! (audience laughing) "My elbows are cold!" (audience laughing) I don't know how a grown man goes to buy that piece of clothing. A grown man, going to buy a vest. "Hey, how you doing? "You got something in here "to keep me kind of warm?" (audience laughing) I don't know how that same man gets ready to go out at night. "Hey baby, is it cold out? "Alright, bring me my life jacket." (audience laughing) You know what I believe, I believe other kids in other countries, or other people are walking around with our sleeves. (audience laughing) These poor kids in Africa, its 110 degrees, they're out there. (audience laughing) "What kind of jacket is this? (audience laughing) "My elbows are hot." (audience laughing) You guys are cool. (audience laughing) You guys have come for comedy. I just found out before the show, there was no alcohol. And I asked them I was like, "Well, "what are you guys giving?" They were like, "We've got candy." (audience laughing) Now, this is the coolest comedy club on the planet, are you kidding me? (audience cheering) Nobody, nobody is going to get up and be rowdy, maybe on a sugar high, maybe this guy. (audience laughing) Got the diabetes? Stay away from the bar, sir. (audience laughing) This guy is 5,000 years old I don't know if you guys can see him but... (audience laughing) It might be George Washington's brother, I don't know. Guy's old. Stop staring. (audience laughing) Listen, there's a group of men out there, could be women too, there's a whole society, they are dedicated to finding Bigfoot. Now, listen! (audience laughing) I don't care if you think Bigfoot is real, that's not what I'm... My thing is there's other things you people could devote your time to. Solve other mysteries on the planet, if you got that much time waiting for a big, hairy man to walk past you. (audience laughing) Like, come to our house! Come to our house! Solve some mysteries in our house, like find the other sock. Where is it?! (audience laughing) Find the lids to my Tupperware! (audience laughing) Tell me why nobody cares that Kanye West is hoarding nuts in his cheeks! (audience laughing) I love that you looked at me like, "What? "Oh, yeah." (audience laughing) Tell me why you white people don't get mad when mimes put on whiteface. (audience laughing) So, I... (audience laughing) You can keep laughing, that was funny. (audience laughing) You get to take a lot of trains, and planes, and automobiles, and I got to tell you this story. Once I called this taxi, and this guy comes. He shows up in a van, right? And now I must preface this story by telling you he's one of the sweetest, kindest, gentlest men I've ever met in my life. He's East Indian. When I go on the road, I pack like I don't have a home to come back to. Like, my luggage is very heavy, right? And he gets out of the van, and he's got one arm. He would not let me touch the luggage, right? He's just picking it up and he throws it in. And we start talking. Unbelievably sweet, kind, gentleman. Most amazing stories, right? So, I need to go to the airport. Remember, he's got one arm and we're on the freeway, we're deep in conversation, I notice, you know how you notice things when you notice them but I had been going on for maybe a couple minutes, kept hearing this. (trills sound) "What?" So, then, when I kind of paid attention to what it was, I realized that he's swerving off of his lane and hitting the little wake up strips, you know what those are? (trills sound) Not you. Non-drinkers, you know what I'm talking about. (audience laughing) They're not made for us, they're made for the bad ones out there! (audience laughing) Not us. But he's swerving. Now, I look back over at him, and I notice this whole time, he's got the unfinished arm on the wheel. (audience laughing) This side did not like that, you people. (audience laughing) And he's using the finished arm just for gesturing. (audience laughing) Unfinished arm on the wheel is doing this. (audience laughing) That's why the... (trills sound) (audience laughing) (trills sound) So, we go to what should be the airport, it's not, he's made a mistake and taken me to the bus station. So now he's just like, oh so appalled, "Oh, my god, I never made a mess "like this in 25 years. "I don't know why. "Don't worry, I'll get you there, "you don't pay for the fare." Now, we're back on the freeway, driving even faster. (trills sound) Now, I'm getting mad. I'm getting seriously angry, in my mind, because I can't tell... Go there with me, can you tell a grown man, to put the finished arm on the wheel? You can't. (audience laughing) There's no way that you can do that! (audience laughing) And I'm getting angry, I'm just like, "Ugh! "I hope we flip over in the ditch! (audience laughing) "The jaws of life have got "to suck us out of this van!" Fire department, the sheriff's going to get us back, I'm going to be free, they're going to be like, "Hey, what happened here?" (audience laughing) "What happened? "He wouldn't put the gripper "on the wheel!" (audience laughing) They're like, "No, that's..." (audience laughing) We're still friends to this day and he loves it when I... So, he's going to love seeing this special 'cause... He's like, "I told you, it was a fun day." (audience laughing) (trills sound) (audience laughing) I love movies. I'm a huge fan of movies. I was in a movie, a couple weeks ago, I got stuck behind a kid that wouldn't stop kicking my seat, that ever happen to you? (audience laughing) I'm going to apologize to all you parents, right now, 'cause I know I shouldn't have done what I did but I snapped. Halfway through the movie, I just turned around, and I grabbed this kid's leg, I'm like, "KNOCK IT OFF! "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU LITTLE PUNK!" (audience laughing) Jeez. (audience clapping) Of course, his mother sees this, she starts pounding on my hair, I'm pulling her hair, I'm like, "You ignorant woman! "Learn how to raise your kid!" Then I hear this woman yell out, "Jason!" Then I realized I was at the drive-in, in my own car. (audience laughing) Folks, that is all my time, my name is Jason Russell!
