- Thank you all so very much for coming out tonight. My name is Mark Klein and I'm from Louisville, Kentucky. And when I travel, people always want to know, "Mark what is Kentucky all about?" And this is what I tell them. Here's what we make in Kentucky. We make bourbon. We make baseball bats. We make cigarettes. We make fried chicken. (audience laughing) Our state motto is, 'If it kills you, we make it.'' (audience laughing) And the irony is, that I don't even use my state's products anymore. I quit smoking cigars a long time ago, never had a cigarette and I quit drinking six years ago. And, well thank you very much. (audience cheering) I didn't discuss it with my friends, so when they found out, they're a little surprised. They always have one question. "Did you have a problem? "Did you have a problem?" No, I didn't have a problem. I can't remember 1988 to 1996. (audience laughing) But that's not a problem. (audience laughing) No, I was just ready for a change. Life is nothing but change. If it's alive, it experiences change. That's how you know you're alive. Things are gonna change. Some will amaze you, some will amuse you, some will appall you. Just get the laughs where you can. Life is all about change. Front row, what's your name, pal? - Eric. - Eric? How old are you, Eric? - 33 - 33, Eric, in about 18 more years, your right knee, (audience laughing) for no reason whatsoever, (audience laughing) is going to go, "Hey Eric, down here! "Eric I'm your right knee. "Hey, "I'm out of here. (audience laughing) "I'm a major joint, "I've had enough and I'm checking out." Eric, I have no connecting tissue left in my right knee. I said, Doctor, what do I do? He said, "Do anything you want, "the pain will stop you." (audience laughing) I said, No, what do we do about this? Here's what we did. He put me on this dietary supplement called glucosamine chondroitin. You ever hear of this stuff? Do you know what's in it? It's ground up shellfish and shark cartilage. And I think I take too much. I bit four kids in the hotel pool last night. (audience laughing) Things are gonna change, life is nothing but change. Some will amaze you, some will amuse you, some will appall you. Get the laughs where you can, and you watch yourself change in strange places. One of them's your wallet. You will get old in your wallet. When I was 25 years old, my wallet had ATM card, American Express Platinum card, Crown Club card from Delta Airlines and about $1,000 in cash. Those days are long gone. I'm a 60 year old man. Here's what did in my wallet now, old fart cards. Middle-aged cards. Topping that list, Sam's Club card. (audience laughing) Don't ask me why, 'cause I don't know why but nothing in the world turns on a man my age more than getting a good deal on something at Sam's. (audience laughing) It's what we live for. Need it or not, I get it at Sam's. Last week, I bought a 410 pound bag of rice for a dollar and 37 cents. (audience laughing) I don't like rice. I don't eat rice. I don't care, I had to have it. There's a card in my wallet sent to me, by AAA, the American Automobile Association. Young folks get these cards too. Middle-aged men know how to use these cards. I'm at the point in my life now, I will call AAA for any reason whatsoever. I don't care anymore. I don't care. (audience laughing) Flat tire, sure. Out of gasoline, of course. If I have a bagel caught in my toaster, I call these people. I don't care anymore. (audience laughing) But it came last week in the mail, the top of the list, the creme de la creme. The greatest old fart card anyone will ever send me in my life. Any guess at what it was? AARP, nope, better than that. Cracker Barrel frequent diner card. (audience laughing) This is the greatest old fart restaurant of all time. I love Cracker Barrel, they love people like me, right back. When you're old enough, they will pre-chew your food, and spit it down your throat like a mother pelican. (audience laughing) I love it. I love the Cracker Barrel. The last time I went, the woman who took me to my table an older woman, her name tag was in cuneiform on papyrus. (audience laughing) She takes me to my table, and then she did something so lovely. Something I love. She said, "Can I bring you "some coffee, sweetie?" (audience laughing) You call me sweetie in a restaurant, I'm 500 miles from home, I don't care if you're 85 years old, got a ballpoint pen stuck in the bun in your head. You call me sweetie, I'm there. (audience laughing) Change. Life is nothing but change. And so if you're going to change through life and if you stay alive, you will, you'll find a role model. Someone who shows you how to age gracefully. My father passed away a year ago, October, age 92. My life's hero, my life's role model. Tell you a story about my dad. My mom and dad were married for 48 years when Mom passed away and that was 25 years ago. And of course my dad got depressed, went into his shell. He did not want to go out or do anything. Then he made a choice. He made a conscious choice, a touching choice, a human and heroic choice. He chose to live again. He chose to be alive again. Her book of life was closed. His book of life was still open. He started going out again. Now let me tell you somethin'. Women loved my dad. Women absolutely loved my dad. Every week there'd be five or six ladies. They were all 85 years old. (audience laughing) They will call him. "Let's go get supper. "Let's go see a show. "Let's go see a movie." I say, Pop, what's the appeal? What's making them so crazy for you? He said, "I drive at night." (audience laughing) (audience applauding) My dad had fun every day he was alive. He had fun every day of his life. Want to have fun? You go somewhere with my dad. I took him to Waffle House restaurant for breakfast one morning. Now my father in his 80s, he had no fear. He had no filter. (audience laughing) That meant he would flirt with any woman in the world. Waitress brings him coffee. She goes, "Sir, how do you like your coffee?" And my dad thought he'd be cute. He said, "I like my coffee like "I like I like my women." She said, "I'm sorry, sir, "we don't serve 85 year old coffee." (audience laughing) For some reason, when he turned about 80, he wanted a new wardrobe. A new wardrobe at 80. Now my dad, no fear, no filter, he'd wear anything. He had a white belt with holes that went all the way around back to the front. Say, Dad, you got to get rid of that belt. It's not 1976 anymore. He said, "Son, I can't." I said, Why? He said, "I have shoes to match." (audience laughing) He wants new clothes. He says, "Son, take me "to Kohl's department store." Do they have Kohl's out here? My father loved Kohl's. They would send him coupons in the mail. He says, "Take me to Kohl's." Picture my father at Kohls', picture my father in your mind. He's 85 years old, full four-wheeled walker, big old thick glasses, double hearing aids, World War II veterans cap on. He holds up a cardigan. He says, "Son, tell me the truth. "Does this sweater make me look old?" (audience laughing) No fear, no filter. Everything I know in life worth knowing my father taught me. He said, "Son, you are changed in life "by the places you go "and the people you meet." And that's true. That's why I love to travel. I work on cruise ships, about 15 weeks out of the year. I love working on cruise ships. I don't get seasick. Some folks do, some don't. Last ship I'm on, about nine o'clock, one night, middle of the ocean, I'm on the promenade deck. This man my age comes out. He doesn't say hello, what's your name, where you from, having fun? He leans over the rail and he brings up breakfast from 1965 and I felt bad for him. I said, You ought to go see the ship's doctor. He said, "Son, I am the ship's doctor." (audience laughing) Some folk get it, some don't. I love being on these ships, though. 'Cause they have great shopping. It's a casino and shopping mall on the ocean. What they sell is watches. Don't ask me why, these ships are crazy to sell you watches. Every ship on the ocean got a hundred thousand watches in inventory. You go on shore, every store on shore has got a hundred thousand more to sell you. Because they have so many, they're rather aggressive in selling these watches. Man showing me a wristwatch, he said, "It's water resistant "to 10 atmospheres." I said, son, what's that mean in English? He said, "It's waterproof "to 300 feet under water." I said, Mr., I'm a 60 year old man from Louisville, Kentucky. If I'm 300 feet under water, I ain't checking the time. (audience laughing) I love traveling. You're changed in life by the places you go and the people you meet. I went to the Ohio State Fair a couple of years ago. 3 million people a year go to this fair. It is huge. They had an exhibit there called the IQ Zoo and briefly here is what it was. It's a room full of animals in small, humanely kept little cages. Each animal has been trained for a quarter, to do a small trick for you. For example, they had a duck that purported to play the guitar. You put a quarter in a slot and a light goes on, the duck's been trained, he sees the light. He pecks a toy guitar inside his cage and a treat rolls down. He's played the guitar for a quarter. Okay? Okay. They had a chicken there. And the chicken plays tic-tac-toe. And it's interactive. You put a quarter in a slot and a light goes on. That chicken's been trained. He sees the light, he pecks a sensor board inside his cage that pulls up giant red neon Xs on a big screen. You punch up Os on a keypad in front of you. And there is a man there playing this chicken at tic-tac-toe. At which point I asked myself, What compels a human being to challenge barnyard fowl at a game of human intelligence? (audience laughing) Let us assume the best. Let's say he wins. (audience laughing) He's just beaten a farm chicken at tic-tac-toe! And he loses. He loses! (audience laughing) Now a sign lights up in neon letters four feet tall and that sign says, "The bird wins." (audience laughing) You can imagine the humiliation. You can imagine how compelling to watch every day. I'm back the next day with a roll of quarters and I finally beat that chicken. I want you to know that. (audience laughing) I love to travel. I go to Las Vegas as often as I can. I work in Las Vegas. And if you've ever been out there, you realize it's a walk around kind of town. And every nightclub out there, has someone perched on— Someone's perched on a bar stool in front of the club to entice people to come back and see whatever show is going on. And I'm walking on Fremont Street, downtown Las Vegas. And there is in fact, a young lady in front of a nightclub about half my age. Lovely as she can be. As I walked by, she says to me, "I like your tie." I said, Excuse me? She said, "I like your tie." I said, Are you flirting with me? She said, "Yes I am." Said, Young lady, I am a 60 year old man from Louisville, Kentucky. You want to get my full attention, do not discuss my tie. Want to get my full attention, tell me you have $2 off coupon good for Metamucil. (audience laughing) Now you've got my attention. (audience laughing) She said, "Well, I work here at this club, "go back and see the show." I said, I would love to see the show, but I'm the comic at the Plaza Hotel. I have three shows myself tonight. She says, "What time do you get off?" I said, I get off at two o'clock in the morning. She said, "I get off at "two o'clock in the morning. "Come by at 2:15 take me to breakfast. "We'll find a late nightclub, "get a couple drinks, go back—" I said, Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down. Number one, young lady, we hardly know each other. Number two, you're half my age. And most importantly, number three, I'm a married man. I probably shouldn't do something like that. Then she says, "Well, how married are you?" Really? How married am I? Well, let me think. I'm flat broken and I've lost the will to live. You tell me. (audience laughing) I am a married man. I can sense the disappointment. (audience laughing) Yes, ma'am that's a joke. (audience laughing) There is not a girl in the world disappointed that I'm already married. Well, I'm going to take that back. There is one. (audience laughing) Are you a married couple sitting up front here? Married couple? I can tell 'cause you're not touching. Anyway. How long have y'all been married, ma'am, how many years? 20 years! How'd you meet this pretty girl? How'd you all meet? - Got in a fight and she kicked my butt. - You got in a fight and she kicked your butt as it were. Well, that is romance, I must say. Here's how I met my wife, this is a true story. I had a comedy show in a nightclub in Savannah, Georgia. She sat in the front row, she didn't laugh at a word I said. I thought to myself, if she can't make you miserable, nobody can. (audience laughing) Stopped her on the way out, we got married a year later. Here's why she didn't laugh. As it turns out, we're opposite. We're polar opposites, any topic you care to name. We're an interracial couple. Yes we are. I'm from Kentucky and she's not a relative. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I know how close to home that joke hits around Utah, so I'm not going to, I'm not gonna pound on that too hard. (audience laughing) We're opposite, any topic you want to name. Doesn't matter. Taking a shower. I take a shower, the water is 94 degrees. Gets me clean, gets me warm. Mrs. Klein likes to shower in a stream of molten lava. People stop in from Pompeii. (audience laughing) We're opposite. Having fun, here's what I do to have fun. I'm a middle-aged man from Louisville, Kentucky. I go to Churchill Downs Racetrack, might play some poker, shoot some golf. My wife and her friends, they go out, they get some drinks and they go to see a psychic, for what is called a psychic reading. (audience laughing) I don't go to psychics. I don't believe in psychics. Now I'm gonna tell you why. It seems to me that if the psychic really were psychic, she would've known 25 years ago that she'd be living on the edge of town in a mobile home. That's my theory on psychics. (audience laughing) The first thing my wife tells the psychic, "My husband said this would be "a total waste of our money." Well, the psychic being an honest person says, "Frankly Mrs. Klein, "your husband sounds like a real jerk." My wife goes, "Wow." (audience laughing) Opposites. We're opposites. Physically we're opposite. You see me up here, I'm five feet, five inches tall wearing cowboy boots. I weigh 151 pounds. So I'm built real short and kind of squatty. My wife is a 125 pound, five foot, 10 inch tall green-eyed red head. She towers over me as the angel of Death. (audience laughing) And I said, one time, Honey, does it ever bother you how much shorter I am than you are? She says, "Only when you can't go "on the rides with me at the fair." (audience laughing) Now, about our third date, she did ask me, "Why didn't my height intimidate you?" Being a comic, you gotta think on your feet a little bit, so I said, Well if your great beauty did not shoo me off, what makes you think your height would? She said, "Keep talking, Shorty. "You're almost home." (audience laughing) I'll tell you this. I've been married for 25 years. My wife walks in the room, my heart still skips a beat. That is true. Call it love, you call it fear. It doesn't much matter to me, I— (audience laughing) Only in humans, alone among the species on the planet, do opposites attract. No other animal has this happen. Only in species like humans. No other animal. Only in humans do opposites attract and cohere. What makes that possible? Two things we do. Number one, we communicate. We over-communicate, we under communicate. We constantly communicate. One of life's great lessons taught to me by my father, sometimes knowing when to stop communicating is every bit as important as knowing when to start. An example. Every man sitting in this room tonight, at one point in his life, has looked into the eyes of a woman he clearly adores and with a straight face and sincere heart, he has asked of her the following question. Honey, are you mad? (audience laughing) Gentlemen, I can sure shoot and promise you, if you have to ask, she's mad. (audience cheering) Here's more bad news. Now she's mad because you had to ask her if she's mad. My father said, "Son, you reach that point, "stop communicating. "Just shut up!" I said, Dad, why? He said, "Here's why. "You're in a fight, you don't know it, "and you've lost." (audience laughing) Communication's great, partner is compromise. It is compromise that allows us to attract, cohere and stay together over long periods of time. Only humans can do this. I'll give you an example. I never had a dog as a kid. Mrs. Klein had a dog all of her life, so we compromised and - (audience) You got a dog! - We got a dog! That's right. Now, we didn't go to the pet store in the shopping mall to get a purebred dog. Somebody with money will buy and take care of that little dog. We had to go to the animal shelter to get a little stray dog that nobody else wanted. When we got it home, I found out why no one else wanted this dog. (audience laughing) Married 20 years. Do you happen to remember what your first fight was about? Most people don't, that's very typical. I'll never forget ours. Where is the dog going to sleep? I'm very old fashioned. Here's what I believe. I believe if you have fur and four legs, you sleep in the backyard. That's my theory. You think that lasted five minutes? You missed it by four minutes and 58 seconds. (audience laughing) I went to Walmart, I bought a doggy bed. I bought a $47 cedar chip filled, fleece lined bed for a dog. My own mattress incidentally costs $29.95 (audience laughing) Said, Honey, we'll compromise. The dog can sleep in the basement in the doggy bed. Wrong. (audience laughing) Second compromise, All right, honey it's February. It's cold outside. The dog can sleep in the kitchen next to the stove where it's warm in the doggy bed. Wrong. Third compromise and I'd about had it. Okay, honey, the dog can sleep in our bedroom next to our people bed in its doggy bed. Compromise number four. The dog is not allowed underneath the covers. (audience laughing) Married for 20 years, this is where we currently stand. When I get up at night to go to the bathroom the dog has to take her nose out of my rear end. That's where we stand (audience laughing) It's compromise, all I'm telling you is it's one o'clock in the morning, I have a tongue in each year and I can't tell them apart. (audience laughing) I can't, one nose is warm one nose is cold. Mustache is about the same. (audience laughing) Who has a dog? Hands up, who has a dog out there? Oh my, everyone has a dog. I'll tell you a dog story. We had a wonderfully affectionate, delightfully intelligent mixed breed terrier husky mutt. We got her from the dog pound. We had her for 16 years. We buried her in the backyard a year ago, July. Oh, she wasn't dead, just wouldn't stop barking. (audience laughing) No, she was 16, which for a dog is quite old. When you lose a pet like that, it tears a hole in your heart that does not mend. You mourn missed family members, because they're members of your family. Typically, you wait a period of time before you move on. We waited six months. We got a new dog, six months ago from the Jeffersonville, Indiana Animal Rescue Shelter. As you're aware, when you get a shelter animal, it has infirmities. The coat needs grooming or it's malnourished in some way. This dog has a lazy eye and overbite and she smokes three packs of Camels a day. (audience laughing) You have a dog, ma'am? What is your dog's name? Nickel, why'd you name it Nickel? Your son named it? You don't know why? Our dog's name is Lady. She's called Lady, because disobedient, shedding, poop machine was already taken. (audience laughing) Is Nickel a smart dog or a dumb dog? Smart. I'm so happy to tell you, I proudly own, walk, and feed the stupidest dog in the world. (audience laughing) Here's how stupid my dog is. Every morning for the last six months, Lady has done this. She wakes up promptly at 4:45 a.m. A.M She shakes her collar with all the metal tags on it, so that everyone can share in her morning experience. (audience laughing) She comes downstairs, goes into the kitchen, sees her reflection in the stove and barks at herself. (audience laughing) Because she truly believes that I have her twin sister trapped in the oven. (audience laughing) Her brain is the size of a tic-tac. She sheds like a snowblower. She doesn't know who I am. She's our dog. We love her. She was great for my son. They kind of grew up together. My son's 22 years old. She taught him patience, empathy, understanding. He taught her how to make a fake ID. Worked out pretty well. (audience laughing) My son is 22, he's a senior in college majoring in burning currency, doing very well. (audience laughing) He's 22 and it's time to pass life's lessons onto him as they were passed onto me. Because you're not just trying to raise a good child, you're trying to raise a good parent. You can't be telling me you don't want to lose sight of that. You're trying to raise a good parent. See you take the great life's lessons passed onto you, and you pass them onto your children. And some are simple, some are big, some are small. I said, Son, life has two size lessons, big and small. You'll see the big lessons coming a mile away because they're big. But the little lessons get you further down the highway 'cause there are so many of them. So tonight, some little lessons in life. Here we go. If you are driving your automobile through dense fog, you do not see any better by putting your face closer to the windshield. (audience laughing) Take it home. If you are driving your automobile through dense fog turning the radio down does not make the fog go away. (audience laughing) I said, Son, you're gonna have bad habits. That's okay. You live in a free country, you're free to do things that are bad for you as well as good. You're gonna have bad habits. That's part of being free. Don't have them all at one time. Much truth in that. Here's a list of my bad habits. Pretty short list at that. I'm a middle-aged man from Louisville, Kentucky. I go to Churchill Downs Racetrack every chance I get. I love horse racing. That's my passion in life. Let's see. I might play a little poker, shoot a little golf, hang out with my friends. I'm a beef eater, I love a good piece of red meat and I don't apologize to anybody for that. Steak eaters, let me hear from you. Steak eaters clap for me please. (audience cheering loudly) Good. Vegetarians, you now, please. (few audience members cheer) (audience laughing) They don't have the strength to lift their hands. Can you hear two of them now? (audience laughing) And here's the point. We live together in the miracle of a free society. I'll eat what I wish and I expect you to as well. I do not need to hear from those who know better for me, how to live my life in a free society than I know how to live it for myself. I had someone tell me, "Mark, you should not eat red meat. "Beef will give you a heart attack." My dear friends, coronary disease is virtually unknown among cattle and they are made of beef! (audience laughing) Lessons for my son. Pursue your dreams. Look where you live. A Western capitalist democracy, freer to pursue your dreams in America than any place else in the world. How do we know that? Because a million people a day want to come here and nobody wants to leave 'cause people understand in America, you're free to pursue your dreams. I say you don't have to catch your dreams. Just run one step faster than your nightmares, you'll be okay. (audience laughing) They strive to pursue a Kentuckians life's dream, I bought my first thoroughbred race horse. This is so cool. You get to name your horse. Now all Kentuckians know this. It's a great racetrack tradition. When you name a thoroughbred, you try to combine the name of the horse's mother and the horse's father. It's called the sire line. S-I-R-E for the father, and the dam line, D-A-M for the mother. For example, the 1987 Kentucky Derby won by a horse named Alysheba. They named Alysheba after his father, a very famous stallion back then named Alydar and his mother, a broodmare named Bel Sheba. They named their million dollar colt Alysheba. Okay? Okay. (audience laughing) We used a stallion named Prickly Ruler. (audience laughing) And a broodmare named Bad Bad Mood. (audience laughing) We named it Bill Belichick (audience laughing) (audience clapping) I change that joke about every four years. Don't worry about it. I do have a race horse. I have a four-year-old Chestnut filly. Her name is Aura Cat. Now more about being from Kentucky. When you're from Kentucky, where your horse comes from, is more important than where you come from. And that's true. So many from Kentucky know that horse's family further back than their own. So indulge me. Her name is Aura Cat. She's the four-year-old daughter of Scat Mandu grand daughter of half million dollar sire Storm Cat. She's a great, great granddaughter of Secretariat. (audience cheering) Her mother's side traces back to 1964 Derby winner, the great Canadian colt, Northern Dancer. The blood of Kentucky's equine royalty courses through her veins. Names that thunder at you out of the past. Bold Ruler, Seattle Slew, Whirled Away, The Mighty Citation. And she cannot run worth a darn! (audience laughing) She's killing me, pal. She's killing me. (audience laughing) We spent $25,000 on this filly, and as you may know, you don't get the fastest horse in Kentucky for $25,000 We got her at Costco. (audience laughing) She came in a pack of 18. (audience laughing) She had her first race a year ago at Churchill Downs Racetrack. She broke 11th in a field of 12. The horse that she beat out of the starting gate apparently had laid down to foal when they threw the gates open. I'll tell you something. When it's your horse, when it's your horse out there, it's like your kid. You don't give up on your kid. You don't give up on your horse. We gave up on this one. (audience laughing) She was passed in the final for a long wind, to Amish couples, then a glacier went flying by. (audience laughing) Life's lessons for my son. I left him with a big one. And it's the one you're going to remember tomorrow. You are the only animal in the history of life on earth that laughs. And nobody knows why. You're the only animal history of life in the universe, evolution, creation, I don't know. Nobody knows. The only animal that can laugh. Nobody can tell you why. The ability to make people laugh is not genetically transmittable. Part of your brain that controls laughter is in your neocortex. That's if you're an evolutionist, the most recent development in your brain. If you're a creationist, that's kind of the icing on the cake before they closed up the box. Either way, that's where you laugh. We're the only animal that tells each other jokes. The only animal that could respond to jokes purposely told to it for the purpose of laughter. A unique gift to humans. So I close my show with jokes. I love jokes, old jokes, jokes I didn't write, jokes I collect from people just like yourselves. My family has favorite jokes. I hear jokes and people like you. Also, when my show is over, wanna come tell me your favorite joke, I'd love to hear it. Let's tell some jokes. My family's favorite jokes start with my brother Howard. He's an oral and maxillofacial surgeon back in Louisville, Kentucky 45 year practices in surgery. His favorite joke's about a doctor. A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, can you help me?" He says, "What's wrong?" He said, "I think I'm a dog." "You what?" "I think I'm a dog. "I bark at the moon, I roll in the grass, "eat food from a dish, I tell you, "doctor I think I'm a dog. "Can you help me?" "Well I don't know, "get on the couch and "we'll talk about it." "Oh, I'm not allowed on the couch." (audience laughing) They don't get any better, man. There's just more of them, all right? So don't worry about it. My sister Michelle, we call her Mickey, but her given name's, Michelle. She's the smartest person in my family by daylight. She's very smart. Retired college professor suma cuma laude graduate from Tufts university, just published in the Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine. Her favorite joke's a very smart joke. Why did Mozart hate chickens? Why did Mozart hate chickens? All day long, "bok, bok, bok, bok, bok." (audience laughing) I married into a family's got a great sense of humor. I don't tell mother-in-law jokes. I don't tell them onstage or offstage. I tell you why that is. When my own mother died, my mother-in-law came to our family, the mother that my real mom would have been. So out of love and respect for my mother-in-law, I don't tell jokes about her. But she has a favorite joke that I can tell you. So here's my mother-in-law's favorite joke. A man takes three women to his mother's house for lunch one day. They have lunch and they go home. He goes, "Mama, "what'd you think of the girls?" She goes, "They're a beautiful girls." He goes, "I'm going "to marry one of them." She goes, "Oh I know. "You're going to marry "the tall red head. "The one in the middle." He said, "That's right. "How did you know that?" She goes, "I didn't like her." (audience laughing) My father-in-law, the late Captain Jack Ward out of Port Savannah, Georgia, extra in boat captain. And this is his favorite joke. Couple drivin' down the highway, the husband's driving, the wife is hard of hearing, she's kind of deaf. He's behind the wheel. He checks his rear view mirrors, sees a flashing blue police light. Pulls his car to the side of the road. Policeman walks up says, "Let me see your license." She said, "What did he say?" "He wants to see my license, Honey" And he hands it up. Policeman goes, "Well it says here "you live in Savannah, Georgia." She said, "What did he say?" "He sees we're from Savannah, dear." The cop laughs, he goes, "I'm gonna tell you a funny story. "The meanest woman "I've ever met in my life "was from Savannah, Georgia." She said, "What did he say?" "He said he thinks he knows you." (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And who knows how much I cleaned that joke up for the Dry Bar comedy special tonight? (audience laughing) Learn your family's histories. Learn your family's stories. Learn your family's jokes. You are the only animal in the history of life on Earth that laughs, so laugh every day, it's good for you. Releases every chemical in your brain that's good for you and none of the ones that are bad. You've been a joy to entertain tonight. And I thank you so much for spending your time with me. Goodnight, thanks.
