Fred Klett LIVE! | FULL Clean Comedy Special Live at the Riverside Theater | Comedian Fred Klett

[Applause] [Applause] [Applause] yeah i've always dreamed of uh another man yelling out to me that i'm the man [Applause] i own you actually you guys keep that up much longer i want to cry i feel like we're done thank you very much i should do that just send that video out yes they go nuts for you some guy loves me and then i say thank you and walk off you know i'm going to tell you right now i'm very uh i key off of my upfront people and i might have to move some of you i really like people that are with me and uh you're just kind of giving me that study look right now you just you look at you you just ah i don't i don't really know him i don't get it so i'm gonna have to ask you to get up and move to the back get up i'm gonna keep looking at you till you do it lady now the guy's over here going he's not the man this is a thrill for me i have to tell you that right up front [Music] i'm not just let me handle this guy men have a we have a strange way of communicating don't we we don't need to use words i want to mention this you every so you know every so often i should even say that there are moments when you realize how you are perceived by the world and and i had this moment i i was a connecting flight i had been up since early in the morning i was very tired i'm walking down the middle of the terminal i'm tired my head's down i just didn't care about anything and that beep beep cart was behind me you know that beep beep beep beep cart nice beep beep beep you know that cart that transports people to their gate when they get there they can magically walk and i just had my head down and beep beep beep and i just thought you know what you'll get there when i'm good and ready for you to get there and finally we reached a point where the cart could pass me and as the car passes me an elderly lady on the card says you would think with those ears that he could hear us uh all i said was i heard that lady and then we're going to be talking about intermittently about you know me being on cruises because i work a lot on cruises now and i've met so many people from different countries and uh it's just so nice when they're at my show and they can speak english makes a huge difference but you know the different people the different you know i got people in the back that are actually way ahead of the people up front [Applause] you know you're just too logical up front yeah you know if they don't speak english of course they would not get it but no it's just the different cultures and you know you enjoy meeting these people and canadians i love the canadians i've met they're just they're a fun people but you know they they talk to you and they always say hey they just hey they make it hey and you know i just started thinking it was fun you know canadian would make a statement hey and i would just say b and then you just look at them like you're ready for the next letter and a b c d and then i you know like the united states a lot of times this happens a lot with us and i notice this a lot of times statements are made to us and we just reply huh yeah hey but the the people that i have most enjoyed getting to know on the cruises are the british i love the british uh nothing phases the british nothing phases them i was on a cruise ship with a lot of british and we were told the largest hurricane ever is coming right at us and the british simply responded with whoa and then they went on the top deck to look for it i don't see nothing where is it hey b and then you know what you talk to the british they make you feel good i mean you just feel good in a normal conversation with the british i told a british guy i got up at 8am he looked at me and said brilliant to which i reply huh i wish i could go all the way back to the revolutionary war when we went for our independence because i would have loved to to have seen the interaction back then because back then the british were the superpower they had the best army in the world the best navy in the world our army when we went for our independence consisted of farmers tradesmen like shoemakers and nerdwells that's what the history book said we had never dewells in our army how you doing not well welcome to the army but the british they were they fought proper they would line up shoot drop down shoot drop down they fought proper so you know when we saw the british army marching up you know one of the narrative wells yelled out that's high so that british army they marched up they're just confused they're looking around oh don't you know what time the war starts you know we start shooting them from behind trees and rocks the british are falling they're just confused yelling out whoa what do you think you're doing to which one of the nerd dwells your adult brilliant [Applause] no no no no stop right there i want to just see my upfront people did you notice did you notice that applause started from the back look at you people you got your coats on like you want to make a quick exit well let me ask you this this will bring us all together does anyone here come from a family eight brothers one sister grew up in a family of ten kids anyone come from a larger family than that what what do you got eight this is one time where even the british would not say brilliant did you hear the question anyone come from a family larger than 10 8. i would love to just hear you come one two three four five six seven nine ten eight you back me up on this a large family you have to adapt to survive everyone parents included my dad adapted he learned how to have fun with us he used to love taking us to this store he'd only say one thing spread out they can't watch all of us i remember one time we were in a store and we thought our family was large and then we saw this family of eight my mom and dad said we'll never go that high most kids what's their favorite holiday christmas not when you're from a large family because it might not be your turn to get a present that year a large family your favorite holiday is halloween because it is incentive based if you hustle you can stock up for the year halloween comes around all you know is you're going to run for as long as you can as hard as you can a lot of kids try to tell you oh halloween ends at 10 p.m wrong halloween ends when people quit answering the door and most kids they're just concerned about what they're going to be for halloween you ask a kid from a large family what are you going to be i'm going to be as fast as i can you're gonna wear a costume a costume would slow me down you hate it when you get to that nice ladies house that nice lady that just wants to talk halloween night and she wants to have a conversation and what are you supposed to be i do not have time for this put the candy in the bag say trick or treat that's how it works i had one brother he won't even talk to people halloween night they try to talk to me just look at him and go [Applause] [Laughter] i've seen grown men just back away just throw candy and maybe he'll later one time this guy threw candy at us and he had bullion cubes in it a lot of kids were spitting them out we liked it we went back you know what house you love halloween night though you love the lazy guys i was a lazy guy that does not want to answer the door so his solution is to put a bowl full of candy on his front porch with a note please take one we not only dump the ball we took the ball we took the note cause you want to show other kids you got to read this this is funny and we use pillowcases because they hold up you get some candy in a pillowcase and then you see that kid with the paper bag whack oh i would love to help you pick up your candy [Laughter] [Applause] i guess what i'm trying to say is you grow up in a large family you're more creative you learn how to have fun where other kids don't and we did we learned how to have fun we loved church when we were growing up loved it church we loved church absolutely loved it church loved it only place we knew of that you could go sit down and this really happens they pass a bowl full of money down your aisle we didn't even have to say trick-or-treat one sunday my dad left he saw what we were doing he looked like a guy without a microphone and as a child when you see your dad doing that you realize he's helpless you do what comes natural for a kid now i got a lot of younger brothers and a younger sister younger brothers and sisters they're not right they're mentally off they think goofy their their whole goal is to get you to snap and get you in trouble they will waste an entire day they will hurt their own body to get you to snap and get you in trouble i had one younger brother in particular he was really good at getting under your skin no matter when you looked at him no matter when you looked at him all he would ever do is this uh they're not right you ever have a younger brother or sister just walk up and touch you they just want to touch you and you're thinking well i can ignore that but after about an hour it starts to get to you and just when you're ready to snap they change weapons they go from the touch to the almost touch you almost touch is worse than the touch they just put it out there until you pick it up with your vision once you spot it you can't look at anything but then they come in for the almost touch and that's when you snap you try so hard not to but it's like your arm's got a life of its own just whack now my brother's crying i'm looking around for a stick hoping someone else hit him at the same time i don't want to go down for this by myself he goes running off to our dad yeah fred hit me what would you do to him i didn't do nothing then my dad from the other room fred get in here why'd you hit him well he he almost touched me and as soon as you say you know you're in trouble now my younger brother's standing behind my dad but my dad would spank that was the ultimate punishment he would spank i truly wish with my whole heart i had grown up in a world like today where they used time out now i know tim talked about time out but if i had had time out i would have started out my day by just walking up to my brothers yeah why don't you touch me now i'll take the time out but my dad would spank not only would he spank he would send us to his bedroom where you had to wait to be spanked spanking in and by itself is bad enough but to have to wait to be spanked in his bedroom look at me up front section we had to wait to be spanked you had time to look at every belt he owned it was like each belt was talking i hope he picks me one time my dad sent my brother kyle and i to his bedroom at the same time to wait to be spanked it's bad enough when you're by yourself but when you're with another brother and you can see the pain and fear in his eyes and he's saying stupid stuff like this is gonna hurt isn't it yeah it's gonna hurt shut up we got so scared and psyched out we spanked ourselves we just went walking right by my dad where are you going we already took care of him [Applause] but when you have that many kids you have to be good at discipline my dad was he was a genius at discipline let me give you an example at one time when there were only seven of us now this is really going to confuse that eight guy because you're thinking well how did they go up back in time at one time when there were only seven of us we lived in a small house we had one bedroom for all those kids we had three bunk beds in that bedroom the youngest child rotated so when our parents would send us to bed at night you did not expect immediate quiet you know you'd be in your bed someone would start talking you talk back pretty soon everyone's talking you're in your bed talking someone might touch you you go to touch them back except it's dark you get the wrong guy no everyone's touching everyone then you're in your bed thinking wait a minute someone touched me i bet you there's someone out there in the dark right now doing the almost touch and you gamble so we're in our bed talking touching and then as the night goes on you get creative you come up with ideas hey i wonder if i can jump from the top of this bunk in the dark to the top of that bunk and you try it and you make it and then you tell your younger brother sure i think you could make it too and he hits hard but the point is there's a lot of commotion talking touching jumping my dad didn't handle it like a lot of parents he didn't yell out idle threats like you better stop don't make me come down there give you one more chance he didn't do that here's how my dad handled it we'd be talking touching jumping suddenly the bedroom light would be on and he was just there we did not know how he got there when that bedroom light came on all he saw was heaven seven heads pop up we look we look like a bunch of prairie dogs looking for an eagle we're all looking at him thinking things like why doesn't he make noise why do we have a ninja dad can we make eye contact with each and every one of us and when he made eye contact you would just look down i remember looking down and thinking oh please don't pick me to kill he did this one by one till he had us all looking down the next thing we knew our our bedroom light was out except now we're all thinking i'm pretty sure he's still in here and when the sun came up that's the position you were in now everyone always ask my parents what was it like raising 10 kids they would always tell this story because they said it summed it up the best my dad was sitting at the kitchen table we had recently seen the movie mary poppins my dad is sitting at the kitchen table looking out the window and he sees going by the window holding an umbrella my brother jeff and he hit the ground hard and my dad said if it had ended there he could understand but then i went by the window carol went by the window and then kyle went by the window and he did not even have an umbrella my dad came outside and he looked at all of us laying on the ground and he said now when you three saw your brother jeff fail the umbrella did not work why did you still jump to which i replied well we didn't we didn't think he did it right [Applause] and you know how sometimes parents get sucked into kid logic too much because then my dad actually yelled at kyle and you did not even have an umbrella two witch kyle snapped back yeah i could help them [Applause] that was good that just started it actually started right in here wasn't it [Music] you can't hit you can't touch younger brothers or sisters however you can scare scaring is legal the best scare i ever did in my entire life i did on my brother derek at the time i was 14 he was seven i am very proud of this very very proud extremely proud every friday night we would stay up late and watch monster movies we love monster movies this particular friday night it's past midnight everyone else is in bed our movie's on and i had a plan you know the kind of plan that's so good you can't even look at it because you'll laugh and give it away you know it's going to work and you already feel kind of bad about it now as our movie is progressing i'm getting up throughout the movie and turning off every light in the house until eventually it's completely dark except for the tv derek i'm tired i'm going to bed i'm only seven i need help to watch a monster movie no man i'm tired went upstairs as soon as i got upstairs took my shoes off snuck back down the stairs went the other direction into the kitchen next to the room he's in he doesn't know i'm there my plans work do you ever hear those noises late at night when you were a kid you would wonder if someone was in your house this night i'm making these noises and having fun doing it no i'm trying not to laugh because every time i make a noise this is what i see so i just kept making the noises because i'm having fun i'm hungry a little while later i open that refrigerator door that light sets on the wall derek yells out who's out there he panics he's chucking down the hallway i know i got to catch him before he gets to our parents he rounds the corner all he can see coming at him is his big dark object he's got two choices in his mind fight this monster and die or jump through the window he jumped through the window [Applause] he's laying on our front porch my parents come running down the stairs they turn on the lights my other seven brothers are right behind them they look at derek look at me and go way to go man that's a good one [Applause] all right i grew up i love john wayne movies i watch them all the time i still love them a lot of times i watch a john wayne movie afterwards i find myself walking around like this you know just kind of getting into that john wayne walk and then i started thinking about it john wayne was lucky he was a big man because if you speed up his walk here's what you've got oh come here little horsey you know you mentioned walks you got to mention this guy very unique walk al gore you ever get a chance pay attention to his walk doesn't even move his arms when he walks [Applause] i was thinking about this i you know i thought you know you see a lot of stuff in the news all the time i was thinking about this i think it would be fun because a lot of times we see stuff we don't think about it but i was thinking about this i think it would be fun to be a cult leader not any cult but the leader of a cult you get a whole bunch of people to give up their life follow you do whatever you tell them to do believe whatever you're telling them to believe and you don't have to pay them i'm telling you right now the only reason i'm not a cult leader is i don't know how to get a cult if i knew how i'd get you people if i could maybe not you but everyone else or the counter guy you're out too but if you think about it they never share their secrets you never see a how-to book by a cult leader how do they get people would you just walk up to someone on the streets of milwaukee hey are you looking for a leader i know a lot of stuff there's got to be a difficult occupation get started in you know you're at a party typical small talk what do you do for a living well i'm a cult leader well where are your people oh i just started you want a beer but once you get them it's got to be fun you're never going to be bored on a slow day you just gather your people around and make stuff up you talk about having fun the heavens gate cult the leader of that cult you know what he told his people these were grown-up people you know what he told them these were grown-up people you know what he told them these were grown-up people he told them hey there's a spaceship behind the comet grown-up people these people looked at him like we are lucky you're our leader we did not see anything you know i told grown-up people that because even first graders would have looked at him like shut up you're just a stupid head no i got to go talk to santa and he didn't stop her he kept going why because he was having fun because then he told him if we all commit suicide we can get on the spaceship and follow the comet to heaven wow even if i had seen this spaceship i never would have figured out how to get on it it seems so simple when you know the answer i would have done something stupid like wait for the ship to land and the more i thought about this the more it bothered me that people believed stuff like that it bothered me because i used to sell life insurance and no one would ever believe me people used to look at me and say things like let me get this straight i pay your company money until i die then they pay money out to someone else why should i buy that which i would reply i don't know now this is an observation i think women are more poetic to men are better at putting their feelings into words and sometimes that creates a problem because we're expected to respond i actually overheard this one time this woman looked right at her man and said as that dawn when the sun rises and fills the world with light so too have you filled my world with love i love you more than trees are you guys like me do you like to eavesdrop i walk into a restaurant some people sitting at a table where would you like to sit i want to sit by them because it's fun especially eavesdropping on women they talk about good stuff fun stuff interesting stuff see guys are always the same well you know what play they should have called shut up you work at mcdonald's you don't know women talk about good stuff you want to know what he did to me yes of course when you yell out like that then they're going to know you're eavesdropping but from my eavesdropping i've come to the conclusion that we're starting to worry about way too many things in our world we got to relax a little bit some of the things we choose to worry about might not be quite as important as we think and i'll give you an example actually i heard this on the radio peta the group not the bread peta people for the ethical treatment of animals anders spokesperson on the radio this lady she said they want to ban fishing she said fishing is cruel because fish have the same central nervous system as people so they feel pain like us she then went on to say how would you like it if you were walking down the street and your lip was impaled and you were yanked out of this environment into a different environment where you couldn't breathe and i started thinking well that would mean that you were a fish [Applause] because people are way too smart or we should be and if we're not maybe it's better that we're gone because if you're walking down the street with your buddies and you see some food on a hook walk around it i think we should be a little bit suspicious anyway if all of a sudden out of the blue there's a sandwich bobbing in front of us even if you can't see a hook check for a bobber are you following me a little bit we're worried about way too many extra things sometimes we try so hard to worry we end up worrying the wrong way i overheard a couple guys talking about this 940 pound man first guy goes 940 pounds that is too bad the other guy goes yeah he almost made it to a thousand and then i started thinking about the peter lady and if she was correct there really was something out there fishing for humans could you imagine their surprise if they caught that guy oh you know he would be mounted and hanging on a wall well that there's your largemouth big belly human and i caught him on a turkey spinner [Applause] they almost pulled me out of the spaceship cult later pulled me back in were worried about way too many extra things i was eavesdropping i overheard some people talking about zoos they said they don't like zoos because they're cruel to animals there's not enough space it's not their natural environment well you know what i disagree i like watching the wildlife shows you ever watch the wildlife shows you ever see a bunch of lions take down a zebra you know people say oh nature's beautiful shut up nature's ruthless it's vicious it's not like disney would have us believe the animals don't meet in the woods and sing and dance it's not a musical the zebra is not standing there with a bunch of lions all over it thinking gee it sure is nice to be contributing to the circle of lies it's hard to watch the lions jump on a zebra one grabs it by the throat the others bite it in places that aren't nice to bite until it falls over then they hang on his throat till it suffocates meanwhile the other lions are looking at each other like you're going to wait no i'm going to eat now you go interview that zebra and ask him how he feels about zeus because i think his answer might surprise you i think the zebras in the zoo if they could talk thank god i'm in the zoo the lions are right over there and they can't get to us and you know you know after a while the zebras in the zoo would start to get cocky you know what i think i can take them [Music] i tell you what the next time you get into the zoo debate with the anti-zoo person try throwing this out very seldom used in the zoo debate should be used more often because it's quite effective some people even say brilliant after the anti-zoo person makes their point you just look them in the eye and simply say this the zebras in the zoo can take a nap guess kind of hoping to have everyone with that let's see if we can pull you all in and let me just just explain if you are a zebra and you can take a nap you are a successful zebra because the zebras in africa if one of them were to say hey i think i'll take a nap the other zebra's okay we'll catch you later all right we still don't have everybody let me try this just go with me on this use your imaginations and i think you'll be right with me don't fight me on this just go with me if i were a zebra in africa and a zoo truck pulled up i'll see i have some people chuckling at zoo truck and you've got the right idea because i've got a lot of other people looking at me like i've never seen a zoo truck well he seems quite knowledgeable if i were a zebra in africa and a zoo truck pulled up i would bolt from the herd you don't need a tranquilizer gun don't even put the ramp down cause i'm jumping on the track cause i'd like to get some sleep [Applause] at least the zebra leads an honest life doesn't it knows it has to run for its life every day it's an honest life compare the life of the zebra to the plight of the cow kyle does not know carl's born on a farm the farmer takes care of it there's a barn for shelter they feed it every day if it gets sick a vet comes out the cow walks around thinking everybody loves me then one day the farmer says who wants to go for a ride the cow's thinking i've had an interesting life why not you ever drive for a really long time you just start thinking goofy ten straight hours i'm driving this livestock truck passes me i roll my window down and yell out jump they're gonna kill you i swear one cow's head snapped up if it had been a british cow you know you speak about driving and uh starting to think goofy in a twisted way just on the interstate just driving for hours and hours and uh i saw the speed limit side speed limit 65 miles per hour i looked at my speedometer i was going 75 and then i realized the sign's wrong [Laughter] just as i got up to 90 i got pulled over by a cop he asked me what the speed limit was i said well that's what i was trying to find out when you pulled me over [Applause] he said at 65 miles per hour i said why he said because that's what the sign said i said the signs wrong he said why i said cause i can go faster now i saw this on television i thought this was interesting they had a survivor of a grizzly bear attack on television according to this guy you know what you're supposed to do on a grizzly bear attacks according to this guy you know what you're supposed to do play dead that's what the guy said the guy said he played dead and the bear ate him a little and then the bear left so he said plain dead worked and i'm watching this thinking no the bear ate you a little some of you is gone who told you it worked but they went right along with them and i wanted to ask questions how you know plain dead works you're one guy that's one bear perhaps we need more numbers maybe your bear just ate an elk or maybe you just don't taste good [Applause] but they went right along with them they didn't explain anything they didn't explain how to play dead there were no guidelines no illustrations how would you know if you're playing dead ride what if you're playing dead and your bear's eating you and the bear just keeps eating after three or four bites do you start to get nervous are you supposed to play dead until you're dead and my friends are looking at me oh fred really looks like he's dead now yeah only his arm is left ah he's a good actor are you supposed to play then until you just get angry and snap out of character hey what kind of a bear are you you could not see i was dead [Applause] i'm not doing it i'm not playing dead i don't like this strategy here's what i'm going to do if i see a grizzly i'm calculating the distance between me and the grizzly then i'm calculating the distance between me and my car or between me and a cliff i can jump off of or the distance between being a guy i can beat in a race and when i run by him i'm gonna tell him play dead [Applause] [Music] i should not make fun of the whole plane dead strategy though i had a real life experience with wildlife i was uh actually working on a cruise ship that went up to alaska this particular week i ended up working with someone that became one of my best friends in the business gary carson a magician out of vegas if you ever get a chance go see him he's one of the best in the world gary and i hit it off that week we worked together we ended up hanging out all week long together everywhere we went we went together two grown men hanging out together on a cruise ship maybe not a good idea towards the end of the week this college-age girl she came up she asked us if we were gay she then she then went on to say how she was telling her dad what a shame it would be if gary were gay because he's so good looking then i realized not only am i gay but i am the ugly gay guy gary didn't miss a beat looked right at her and said look if i were gay don't you think i could do better than him but we had a great time we're outside of haines alaska we're walking down this dirt road there's this loggers road that goes off into the woods and gary goes look there's a great big moose and i turned and looked and there was a great big moose because i guess there are no little moose and i go to gary gary get your camera take the moose's picture gary goes no if i take its picture from here it will look like a horse no i don't know how he knew that but he's a magician and i just figured they know but you have to understand we are two city boys because at that point i go to gary gary let's just run up to the moose and we will take its picture we will just run up to the most now we start running the first clue that we got that maybe something wasn't quite right should have had one of the moose just calmly stood there placidly chewing and when we got close enough to see its eyes it's like its eyes were saying i'm pretty sure i can take these two we get about 20 feet away and stop and i go to gary gary give me your camera and you go get by the moose gary didn't even hesitate i already have the camera you get by the moose to which i intelligently reply okay now i go up by the moose i get about 10 feet away i turn around to hear gary promptly say he's coming right at ya now we learned two things about gary in this story the first thing we learned is that i am faster than gary and when i ran by him the noise he made was not exactly what you would call a manly noise in fact i remember thinking the college girl might be right [Applause] but you have to understand at this point we are all out running for our lives neither one of us cares about the other let me put it to you this way if gary had tripped and fallen honestly i would have been thinking good i'm gonna live now we're sprinting through the woods we come to a clearing there's a shed we go whipping around the corner of the shed the moose is right behind us now i jump straight up grab the top of the shed i don't know how i did this it must have been the adrenaline somehow i did a handspring landing on my feet on top of the shed i'm telling you if it had been in gymnastics tenza across the board this is where we learned the second thing about gary gary can't jump gary hit the shed hard but i'm on top of this yet i'm safe so it's fun for me now because i'm looking down and what i'm looking down at is gary running around the shed and the moose is right behind him and i'm yelling out encouragement gary you might want to pick it up the moose is gaining on you hey i've got an idea throw me the camera i'm pretty sure he won't look like a horse from here [Applause] [Music] all right that's really not what i was waiting for though because i'll be calling gary tomorrow and telling him i ran into the first audience ever that did not care who could care less about what happened to him usually someone yells out what happened to gary and the reason i wait is this is a true story how i tell it is exactly how it played out except when i went on top of the shed gary went around the corner we both went out of sight from the moose the moose just veered off into the woods and kept going no i was on top of the i could see that [Applause] and when gary would get tired and slow down i just make a noise he'd speed right back up again i want to mention this um i don't think i'm the only one but i just i'm i'm lost i feel like technology's passed me by i can't keep up uh i'm so far behind i need scientists and researchers to take some time off take five to ten years off let me let me catch up no i'm serious i got a cell phone all i use it for is to make calls they're coming out with so much stuff so fast and some i'm getting suspicious i think they're starting to make stuff up it's like they're taking it from sci-fi books and movies it's just like they're making stuff up because they know they can tell us whatever they want because we have to go along with whatever they say because we can't check the answer no they're just if you think some of the stuff that they're telling us to do i really think they're making stuff up i'll give you some examples recently in the news scientists say they can now make the invisibility quote like from the harry potter movies and books they can make an invisibility cloak how do we challenge them on that oh yeah where is it it's right over there they're making stuff up some of the stuff they've been telling us for a while i i think they're making cloning they've told us we can clone how did they prove that to us they let a sheep on one there it is we cloned it you're darn right you cloned it how else could you've gotten that sheep to look like all the other sheep they're making stuff up sometimes they change old facts now they've decided that pluto's no longer a planet just like that pluto's no longer a planet well then i think we should all call our old teachers because we might have got a b [Applause] [Music] [Applause] but then i saw this in the paper almost skipped over it then i went back and looked at it a little closer i think this proves conclusively that scientists are making stuff up in the newspaper scientists said they discovered a black hole in the galaxy m87 50 million light years away that's what they said they discovered a black hole in the galaxy m87 which i'm pretty sure is between m88 and m86 50 million light years away that's how far away they said it was 50 million light years light years light years well you know what i am sick and tired of acting like i know how far a light year is i have no idea is it farther than a mile but they're more than happy to tell us scientists said a light year is a distance light travels light travels i've never even seen it pack this in a light year is the distance light travels in one year which is approximately 6 trillion miles 6 trillion miles trillion there's a number i use my checking account every day so 50 million times 6 trillion way over a hundred so now we know how far to go we know in which direction just follow the numbers in the sky and there it is a black hole of course we all know what that is don't we we have no idea but scientists are more than happy to tell us scientists said a black hole is a supernova or giant star that is so large it collapses onto itself and is so dense the gravity's so powerful that even light can't escape that's what the scientist said even light can't escape and this is where we've got them they're making stuff up even light can't escape because you know what they said that means you can't see it i don't know you should all be with me at this point [Applause] you can't see it but we discovered it 50 million light years away if you can discover something right next you you can't see that's pretty good oh i think i got a black hole right here it even gets better how do we discover it we use the hubble telescope to discover a black hole that you can't see i would have loved to bend with the scientists when they got those pictures from the hubble [Music] you know and i can't see anything let's just tell them it's a black hole british scientist whoa you know what i work on cruise ships a lot and it's a condensed space and you've got people from all you know just it's like you've got the whole world right in front of you in a condensed space so for instance on a cruise ship you can see the evolution of marriage you've got you've got everything from your young married couples all the way to the intermediate 10 to 30 years all the way to 50 plus years of marriage the evolution of marriage right in front of you you watch the young married couples walk around and you can just tell by looking at the husband that he doesn't know that he's no longer in charge you look at his wife's faces like her face is saying i'm going to let him walk that way for a year or two more but then you've got you've got the intermediate 10 to 30 years of marriage watch the husband there completely different walk he's a very hesitant he's walked with his wife many many times and he knows she could dart off in any direction he learned a long time ago there's no such thing as a straight line he's pretty sure the cruise is his idea he just doesn't remember how he came up with it you really want to see him start having fun wait till he starts doing a little figure eight shopping with his wife you want to see how much he enjoys that just look at his eyes when he comes around [Laughter] you watch long enough you'll actually see him devolve into al gore [Music] but the most beautiful the most beautiful is 50 plus years of marriage you have to watch the husband there 50 plus years of marriage husband looks down never ever looks up only looks down when he walks he just puts one foot forward slides the other one up that's as fast as he goes he learned a long time ago the less distance you cover the less distance back never ever looks up you can even ask him why why why don't you look up he'll tell you my wife's taking pictures you get behind him in the hallway you'll get there when he's good ready for you to get there sometimes you think you can pass him wide but it's like he's got radar stays right in front of you never ever looks up the only thing he knows is the color of his wife socks that's what he looks at in the morning that's what he follows all day long sometimes she gets too far out in front of him he just stops someone comes by same color sucks boom there he goes i think experience helps out marriage a lot what at one time might have ended up in an argument now might not because of experience now give you an example of that this happened in my house i'm not making this up i'll simply preface this story by saying it was that time of the month and it was okay just a handful of people know what i'm talking about i'm sitting at the kitchen table pouring some cereal for breakfast my wife comes in the room and very nicely i shall i'm making some bacon and eggs i assumed my pouring of cereal was the answer okay a lot of you are missing a key key point here i did not verbally respond my wife leaves the room i pour the milk i'm eating my cereal i'm relatively happy because i still don't know that i've messed up my wife comes back in the room sees me eating the cereal and that caused a chemical reaction her eyes rolled back and her voice you are rude you did not respect me no i must punish you with pain receive your punishment now is where experience kicked in i knew immediately do not make eye contact look down don't move movement will attract it play dead oh that's okay well marriage is like a training program the longer you're married the more you do for your wife you might not think you do you do you just don't know it your wife knows that she's the one that trained you you can always tell the well-trained or happy husband at the store we're always walking around we've got coupons hanging out of our pockets you're almost too excited when the cashier asks you if you have any coupons yes you can tell the well-trained or happy husband at the store we're always walking around we've got a handwritten list we can barely read excuse me matt can you tell me where the tampons are the temples let's say tampons or harpoons i can't read that you buy the wrong kind you're gonna wish you had bought some harpoons chances are you will buy the wrong kind too nobody told you how many different kinds there are many maxi flexi river derchi mojo grasses buenas noches freedom that's what i'm buying because i'm getting out of here oh and that's a throw when you bring the wrong kind home you are stupid lord must destroy you my wife my wife and i were married for two months when we decided we were going to have children because she was pregnant [Applause] when your wife tells you she's pregnant your life is over take a good look at the clothes you're wearing as you will be wearing them for a long time your kids will look hip and cool as you fall farther out of fashion people make fun of dads and how we dress a white t-shirt bermuda shorts black socks with the sandals we don't dress that way because we're stupid dress that way because that's all we've got left from what i see up front here we've got quite a few good dads in the theater you know when you have children you know a lot of the things you did as a child come back at you i've got three sons when they were quite young there was one night where i woke up in the middle of the night two of my boys are talking to each other in their sleep and the other one was peeing on them and there there are just times where you just just shut the door and let them work it out i have to say i was so excited though i mean i have loved every second of being a dad but i was so excited i remember i couldn't wait for our very fair first parent-teacher conference for eric just a brilliant child at home i just i just couldn't wait for the teacher to tell me he was a genius i'm not just saying this he was brilliant i'm not making this up in our home on his own he picked up english no teachers nothing just learned it so i couldn't wait uh that very first parent-teacher conference sat down with the teacher and the first thing she said was eric gets along really well with his schoolmates that's the last nice thing she said then she said he has trouble staying on task paying attention the next thing i knew she was poking me on the arm mr clett mister class i said i don't know where he gets that from but no sometimes you get to see the you know how they look at a world and it's so innocent my youngest son andy i remember i i took him to toys r us he had earned a toy we were buying him a toy he was eight years old the toy he picked out said recommended ages nine and over we're in line to buy the toy just as we got up to the cashier he tugs on my arm i lean over and he just whispers tell her i'm dead and then i'm sure a lot of you have run into this experience you reached the age where you reached a time when your your child turned 16 your first one turned 16. i call that the year of no sleep 16 driving it just you know you drive with it they just they think they can drive that's the scary part they just you know when you drive with them you just pat them on the back when the car going the other way just and they didn't hit it yes good you just you did good you went you're in your lane you didn't scare that guy you know they come to a stop and you get to get out of the car yeah you might want to put it in park but it's a scary time and uh i came home one day and uh eric made the announcement that he he was gonna go get us milk he's 16 he drives now i'm gonna go get milk we're down to our last six gallons and just the last thing i said to him was drive careful the next thing i knew he's back in the in the house he goes i i hit the car parked in front of our house and i go oh i go i know you hit the car he goes well how did you know i go well we're not at warren when i heard the explosion i figured that was you but it's not the fact that he hit the carts how he hit it i went out there and looked you know he had just a backing out of the driveway to do a reverse u-turn to not nudge that car but to hit it hard enough to push it up on our lawn i just looked at eric and i said i'm so glad that car was there he said why i said because if that car hadn't been there i'm pretty sure you would have hit the house and then you think well now he learned from that a week later he made the announcement we needed bread my last words were to him were drive careful he called me from one block away i hit another parked car i went running over there and as soon as i saw him you know you always hope you just never yell out stupid stuff as a parent as soon as i saw him i yelled out you can't hit parked car just a brilliant piece of wisdom and eric's all frazzled he yells back i think it's easy to hit park car i go why would you say that he says well if someone's in the car they can see you coming and drive the other way i have learned this i have learned this from having children they teach you about you that's the bottom line you learn more and more about yourself the older they get and i'll give you an example when i first realized this uh my second son gus he was just a few years old we're sitting at an intersection a red light for no reason at all gus yells out come on lady it doesn't get any greener the way your mother talks i want to mention this too because uh nancy and i are married and uh before we were married and how we would talk to each other i love you love you too i love you more now i love you more you just hope your friends don't hear you but the very first time we went on a cruise together i realized some of that is now missing we're on a cruise ship uh i noticed it immediately we got on the cruise ship we got to our room nancy unpacked her clothes looked at me and said gee that's funny you'd think they'd have some closets for you too and then she saw the hooks on the back of the bathroom door oh there you go but this is when i realized it changed a little bit uh sleeping on a cruise ship i think is the best sleep ever the slight rocking of the ship i love it my wife disagreed our very first night on a cruise ship she woke me up at am and she asked me if we were going to die it is 1 am she wants to know if we're going to die it is 1am she wants to know if we're going to die i said yes eventually she said no tonight i said is there someone in our room she said no from the ocean i said the ocean is our friend she said what if the ship tips over i said then you climb to the other side i woke up the next morning looked over she had put on her life jacket so there goes that theory that we want to die together because you certainly didn't strap a life jacket on me now did you but i have been married for 24 years i'm very happy i asked my wife if i was happy she told me i am and that is good enough for me no no no no no no no it has nothing to do with you people but i got married our relationship changed immediately not gradually but immediately my wife started to share knowledge with me knowledge i had no idea she had before we got married tremendous amounts of knowledge she must have stored throughout the years waiting to share with her future husband not all at one time just bits and pieces here and there on an ongoing basis and at one time i thought it would end now i know it never will and the thing that amazes me is i never know what's going to trigger her desire to share additional knowledge that is the tricky part that's the part that keeps us on our toes it could pop up at any time for any reason or absolutely no reason at all there are days when i'm gonna walk through a room and i see my wife oh i think i'll go the other way i really haven't memorized yesterday's lesson yet we got a big midterm coming up and i'd like to do well i never know what's going to trigger her desire to share additional knowledge one day i just opened our back door look at me lethargic front section just open the back door when i was single and open the door it just meant i wanted to get to the other side not one time when i was single did i open a door and think to myself gosh i hope i learned something as i walk through it that's all i did open the back door perhaps slightly too long i don't know what the exact time parameter is i only know i must have went over it because my wife whirled and yelled shut the door you just let 800 mosquitoes into the house no i had no idea that mosquitoes fly in swarms of 800. i would think that many in a swarm you'd see something come through the door i saw nothing but my wife with her keen eyesight and wealth of knowledge knew that 800 got into our house god bless her we could have been bitten at that that night i got married i no longer need the discovery channel i guess what i'm trying to say to you is that you get married you learn things that you never knew when you were single you get married you learn things that you never knew when you were single and you know what you see it around us all the time i'm in a cafeteria behind an elderly couple husband reaching for whole milk that's all he's doing reaching for a whole milk listen to what i'm saying reaching for whole milk mid-reach his wife states you do not drink whole milk he did not stop did not turn to reply just feared off went straight to the skim milk and i watched this and i thought how lucky that man was to have found that woman how many years did he drink the wrong milk [Applause] [Music] you learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single for instance now that i'm married i realized that i never would have survived had i stayed single if i hadn't gotten married when i did i probably would have been dead in a matter of months i mean that when i was single i was wild i lived on the edge you would not believe some of the things i used to do for instance when i was single i used to wear my shoes in the house i'm not making that up i really did i did not know carpets are supposed to live thousands of years you learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single for instance now that i'm married i know that i breathe way too loud my wife not only told me i breathed too loud she told me the exact distance from which people can hear me oh my oh i know it her knowledge is incredible she could have been a cult leader thank you you learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single for instance now that i'm married i know when it's time to leave a party [Laughter] i never used to know when i was single i would do really stupid things like stay until i quit having fun never realizing i should have left hours ago simply because it was time how come you're leaving the party man it's time pal and you should get married so you'd know too you learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single for instance now that i'm married i realized that i never knew how to get dressed you ever get dressed up to go out with your wife you come out of the bedroom and she just looks at you and says no no you go back no i will help you now if it's a british husband well you know if you're married long enough she doesn't even have to say anything you come out of that bedroom you see a certain look you just do a little u-turn go right back in there [Applause] now i'm going to leave this one with you because i know everyone here knows what i'm talking about i don't care if you're single or married because you see it around us all the time you learn things when you get married that you never knew when you were single just walking on the streets of milwaukee walking up to this theater behind what had to be a husband and wife he said i'm hungry she said no you're not he walked by me looked up at me as if to say guess i'm not hungry sure thought i was hungry sometimes i get a pain in my stomach like i'm hungry sure i'm glad i married her i could be eating right now and i'm not even hungry well i hope i die first i this is a real treat for me i want to say to everyone here thank you so much for coming out this has been a blast thank you very much [Music] [Applause] [Applause] ah so [Music] you

Channel: Fred Klett

Views: 2,445,099

Keywords: fred, fred klett, klett, fredklett, comedy, comedian, funny, fun, laugh, laughter, clean comedy, stand up, standup, stand up comedy, family, family friendly, gus klett, wisconsin, dry bar, drybar, dry bar comedy, drybar comedy, live, comedy special, live at the riverside, fred klett live, fred klett show, fred klett full show, fred klett live at the riverside theater

Id: PbDOfhUe_EM

Length: 80min 0sec (4800 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 31 2021