This Is Why Your Girlfriend Dumped You. Drew Allen - Full Special

yeah obviously she thought she could do better it's interesting to see how people process the break-up though you know some people their whole life shuts down when a relationship ends you know they're like you don't understand drew no relationship I've ever been and has ever worked out and I'm always like well yeah you know that's true of literally every currently single person right I'm like trying to sympathize with you here yeah you're in last but you're tied with like a billion other people I don't know what you want me to say here if you've ever had a friend like this you probably had the chance to be the person who tries to like rehabilitate them and like get them back out there again which basically just is you lying to them a lot honesty is not the thing they need you know I think I don't understand how did this happen drew yeah obviously she thought she could do better I think if that weren't the case she would still be with you but based on how she's not with you but would we meet to believe that she thought she could do better than you does that make sense whatever I'm smart I'm handsome I'm I'm charismatic well yeah but you're not maxed out in any of those things there's still room for improvement all right I wish I'd been more confident around her bit more fun yeah you totally should have why didn't you think of that earlier that might have worked whatever I'll find someone better better I don't know cuz like if I lose to my brother in a game of basketball I'm not like I just need to play against someone better at basketball you should find someone worse you know [Laughter] play on easy mode for the salt there's like a really key moment I think it usually happens like in high school where you become like clothing self-aware you know you see a photo of yourself then for the first time you're like huh so that's how those clothes always look on me okay and you realize the past 16 years have just been Old Navy draped across your Oh bumpy body and that's a big moment you know you can start to build from there that's ground zero it's a good moment I've learned something about buying clothes over the years you know how they say you should never buy groceries when you're hungry it's the same sort of thing you should never buy clothes when you have high self-esteem don't ever do it maybe maybe one day a month I totally am the guy who can wear Nike high-tops you know but the other 29 days I'm not I'm this guy alright it's a bad investment I don't know I was I was buying shorts last summer and it must have been like a good self-esteem day because I tried on the shorts and they went down looks like about here and I was like yeah these look like shorts that a straight man could wear and they weren't absolutely we're not but you don't have those thoughts when you have high self-esteem you know you need the low self-esteem to rein you in a bit cuz if not you have thoughts like the one that I had which was yeah they're a bit shorter than usual but Daniel Craig were short swim trunks in Casino Royale and no one gave him a hard time and like nothing seems wrong about that statement yeah that's a good point ladies love Daniel Craig double Oh heaven yes I'll take three pairs then sure enough you try them on a week later you're like why are all these tiny boats on my shorts look like a body-positive sailor can't wear these with my hi-tops [Laughter] bad choice what I do I try to imagine my high school bully whenever I try on clothes and I'm wearing the outfit and if he leaves me alone I can feel good about the outfit it's the ultimate test you know things like we're like self-consciousness meets self-defense you know my high school bully his name was Tyler Johnson if that sounds like a made-up names because it totally is I'm afraid he's gonna like track me down you like saw your special Allen we're just gonna play it safe I don't know what his comedy preferences are you know but I don't know I owe my whole fashion sense to that boy you know it feels weird to kind of praise a bully like that but I don't know sometimes you're walking around the grocery store and you see one of those guys who has like the cargo shorts with way too many pockets and that like square looking haircut and you're just like man that kid did not get bullied enough [Music] yeah I mean bullies do a lot of terrible things but they do get you out of that phase you know it's nice to get some honest feedback once in a while you see I learned from a very young age that if I wore the free t-shirt I got from Chili's the night before to school the next day Tyler Johnson was going to twist my nipples and I'm better for that okay basically a bully's job is to say terrible things about you and make you feel bad about yourself until you're old enough to just do that naturally for yourself [Applause] thank you you guys just applauded bullies I hope you're okay with that take a look in the mirror Wow alright so I am pretty nervous tonight not gonna lie I know I seem so composed and in command of the situation right now but I do get nervous and I've come up with like a strategy to deal with it over the years full disclosure it doesn't work it is not a good strategy but I'll I'll teach you all right so I'm a college student and well we'll do a practice example let's say I'm about to go take a test and I'm nervous for the test here's what I do I get ready and I tell myself don't be nervous this test doesn't even matter and that would be like a great place to stop but I tend to overcorrect like yeah this test doesn't matter nothing matters [Laughter] and I mean I I guess it works like I'm never worried about the test anymore I don't get out of bed the next day but it does work you get rid of one problem but it's only by creating a much bigger problem it's like you don't want to do laundry so you set your house on fire guess it works I don't know I do like the same thing if I'm nervous before a date and I don't be nervous love is just an illusion and everyone dies alone but sure sure Karen I'll go see Zootopia with you then I am cool as a cucumber the rest of the way I don't know it's probably not a healthy way to deal with stress you know some people called an existential crisis but I give myself existential pep talks you know that seems weird I don't know what LeBron James does to get ready for a game you know I don't know what he has and his beats by dre headphones but I'm pretty sure he's not bumping crime and punishment you know I am pretty sure about that you imagine that postgame interview like wild a brawn excellent performance tonight how did you manage to say so calm and so composed out there well doors just tried to remember that Raskolnikov killed a man and filled no guilt well it certainly showed tonight LeBron I don't know what's in those beats by dre headphones maybe that's what he does I don't know we can't be sure I'm not nervous though I'm good like I said though I'm a I'm a college student right now I'm actually about to graduate in three months yeah thank you thank you college is a really exciting time because you know it feels like you can make your life into whatever you want it to be you can be a totally different person than you were in high school you know Tyler Johnson's not twisting your nipples anymore the door is wide open you know you can follow your dreams and into what you're really passionate about which is why I chose to study accounting for five years yeah I don't know do you ever look at your life and you're just like who did this who thought this would be funny oh I did this that's right so I'm an accounting major the program I'm in is really competitive it's a tough program and being in a tough business school is like being on a sinking ship where they have to like throw stuff overboard so the ship stays afloat except instead of throwing over excess cargo it's all of your likes and interests we got to get this off the ship what's in there feelings don't have time for those this year it's gonna have to do without why did we ever come aboard the USS business we were so enticed by the exotic destination of a business park in Billings Montana I don't know what one would do on the USS business if that were a real thing like what's the nightly entertainment you just get drunk and watch TED Talks we got Ted in the house tonight I guess it's just the reaction I was going for when I tell people I'm studying accounting there's I usually get the same reaction they just kind of like recoil you know they're like worried I'll get it on them or something I don't worry it's not contagious it will kill you though accounting students we know it's not cool to study accounting it's fine we know we try and convince ourselves otherwise you know there's like not a week that goes by without one of my professors saying something like so as you can see accounting actually is pretty cool it just has a general rule of thumb if you have to remind yourself how cool something is it's probably not that cool the only time you say stuff like that is if you like accidentally hear a Wiggles song or something you know yeah this is pretty cool I actually kind of got a disco bend to it huh you know it's not like Bono finishes a concert and he gets all his friends together he's like so as you can see fronting the influential Irish rock band u2 is actually pretty cool really gives me a chance to use my creative problem-solving skills I had me on LinkedIn I'll be performing on the USS business next week check it out my first day in the business school this is a true story I walked by a classroom and there was a professor who was giving a lecture kind of introducing his class and he said ever since I was a child I've always been passionate about quality management okay that's what we're going with that's the line ever since you were a child so in elementary school when kids are going around the room introducing themselves in Timmy's like I like Comet and Becky is like I like ponies you are like boom quality management that's you if any of you kids need some some quality managed just hook me up you know I'm a manage it it's what I do as I've gone through the accounting program though I've kind of felt more and more like comedies but I wanted to do with my life you know I don't want it to be just a hobby and that's not like a joyous realization that a person has you know it's like when Harry Potter tries on the sorting hat and he's just like not Slytherin not Slytherin that's my attitude towards comedy really it's not you know like you don't tell your parents you're planning on doing comedy without like really preparing them before you tell them that like listen guys I've felt this way for a long time and this is something I feel I've always known about myself it's fine we saw the shorts we know [Applause] one step ahead either no nothing I don't know realizing that you want to pursue a career in comedy that's like taking like years of self-reflection and you wake up one day and you realize that the only thing that will make you happy in life is being a Cleveland Browns fan you know like you know the next couple years are gonna be pretty rough you know it's gonna be like at least 15 years before anything good might happen to you at the very earliest you know you don't think it's I don't know comedy has a career wouldn't wish it upon anyone probably is it as bad as being a Browns fan I don't know who's to say do any of you know who Dave Logan is the iconic Cleveland Browns player no your team plays in Cleveland all right a city whose greatest cultural achievement is the Drew Carey Show all right your logo is a brown helmet all right you can't even put the logo on your helmet because it would create this infinite sequence of helmets inside of helmets [Applause] wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy you know but now I tell my fellow accounting students that I'm thinking about pursuing a career in comedy and that gets the room quiet really quickly everyone else talks about where they're gonna work when they graduate and they're like Deloitte KPMG Goldman and I'm like comedy writing Oh what's what's the starting salary on that zero zero dollars yeah well any currency freely take your pick how about you what are you gonna study what are you gonna work in quality management it's a good career it's fair I'm looking for a job right now though you know something I'm gonna pay the rent finally pursue a career being a Cleveland Browns fan it's hard to find a job there's a lot of things that suck about it you know the resumes filling out cover letters thinking you're dead just me I'll explain myself so a couple of summers back I was in high school and I'm looking for just like a crappy summer job you know something to just hold me over and you have like the jobs you want and then you'd have like like the subway tear I call it it works on two levels because subways are below the ground and because the restaurant subway is not a place you want to work why it's called the subway here anyway I like I didn't hear back from any of these places and like after a week of not hearing back from pizza pie cafe there's some part of you there's some part of you that really wants to believe that this is all just like a weird sixth sense thing that's happening you know you've actually been dead for a month I actually had a thought crossed my mind this summer when I was like well maybe something just killed me and I didn't notice you know like thinking I was dead was easier for me to accept than the fact that pizza pie cafe did not want to interview me even it's not a good feeling a lot of the jobs I applied for that summer though they have you filled out these quizzes and they always tell you the same thing there are no wrong answers why are we taking this then events well look another perfect score an impressive batch here huh they always ask you questions you know like an employee or a customer pays you too much money do you keep the change for yourself or do you go give it back to them and obviously they want you to say you're gonna give the money back right the weird thing though is one of the quizzes I was taking instead of giving me like a right answer and a wrong answer they just gave me two wrong answers there is no longer any right choice so they're just like do you steal money from the register or do you blame it on your coworker like hold on I don't want to do either of those things okay surely there must be a right choice here feel like the hiring manager must have been watching Breaking Bad or something and they wrote this quiz alright the feds are hot on your tail all right you take the money and leave your family or did you shoot the cop I did not know there was so much moral ambiguity to making a pizza listen up kid this is the real world okay this is pizza pie cafe things ain't so black-and-white out here sometimes you can't tell her that she stops and the pepperoni begins we need an employee who's not afraid to make the hard choices and step on some throats this seriously felt like they were just gonna bring me into the interview and like hand me a gun and there's like an old lady tied up in there finish the job she said you'd do anything to get this job now prove it so I killed her didn't get the job though not enough experience I guess experience of hiding old ladies bodies and pizza dough you live and learn so yeah looking for a job I did find an apartment though it's a really nice place I'm really happy with where I'm living now and I actually got to live there by myself for about a month I had a month before my roommates moved in and just had the place to myself it turns out that you learn a lot about yourself when you live alone in like a very short concentrated amount of time so I learned I still totally believe in ghosts very much so I always thought of myself as like a very rational person you know I don't just project you know superstition onto things I don't understand yeah that lasted a day when you live alone your life turns into the Blair Witch Project all right you see the world and grainy found-footage and you're always late to stuff because anytime you need to like go downstairs across a corner it's stretched out for like three minutes takes way longer than it should I don't know on one hand I totally get it there are no ghosts we all know that but when it's like midnight in your apartment and your pipes are creaking and you don't understand why or you want by your TV in a crackles and it just goes six days left I don't know what that is we may never understand am ghosts are real I'm also I also found out I get really paranoid when I live alone like every single person I see in the street is just waiting to rob me which like believing that a burglar wants to like rob a 24 year olds apartment that's like much more unreasonable than believing in ghosts like was he good look what ocean's 11 heist are they planning for my apartment you know we hear we just got a new toaster for Christmas it's got three slots in it they're gonna take my Abbey Road poster yeah it's gonna run off it's just so well sequenced each track is so strong just runs off with a poster no all right but that's how I feel the other weird thing about where I live there's like lots of kids in the neighborhood where I live which is the whole weird thing I found I'm actually really awkward around kids particularly when their parents are around because like hear me out all right like you want to seem nice but not like too nice just like sometime in the last year I round at this corner where I'm no longer the one in danger and stranger danger when that's a weird feeling very sudden realization you have you know we've swapped positions in the van so now I'm always like way weird around kids and their parents are around you know cuz it's hard to just kind of like casually slip into a conversation that you don't want to kidnap them you know hard to just slide it on in you know so I'll be like out in the street walking home and I'll see a kid I mean oh hey did you hear about the new Zelda game yeah it looks really good I totally rather steal that than an 8-year old boy then like the mom walks over I'm like oh hey she's like you want to play catch with Timmy and Mike no I'm good I'm just gonna watch no I'm not gonna watch not I don't even own binoculars so weird feeling so I don't know I'm like right now I'm just trying to get my life in order for after I graduate you know try to find a job find a place to live and you know I just want to make my life into what I want it to be which is oftentimes hard to do you know like I just it's easy to say stuff like you know I want to be in a healthy relationship and date people but doing that is like a whole different thing I had a bowling date last week I'm getting at yeah I know you like bowling yeah pretty lame I told you right up front this is a man who's run out of ideas okay we knew that going into this but what can I say ever it happens like once a year you just get this urge to and you're just like I must fall I don't know where it comes from but there's there's like some primal thing to bowling it just feels good you know so why not make a date out of it you know I don't know if like our ancestors this is like an evolutionary thing where our ancestors protected themselves by like rolling stones that enemy tribes or something and that's why it's so good can even chief a pack of wolves is approaching us how many of them are there ten by the looks of it I think if we hit the center one I can hit all of the other wolves as well I don't know where it comes from all right I just know I like to bowl sometimes so we were on this bowling date and here's the thing with bowling dates there's only like his weird five-second window for you to interact with the other person after you throw the ball and there's really not much to comment on and then usually it's just like whatever just happened with the ball you threw which in my case is usually like oh seven that's kind of good but not that good hahaha and it's hard to come up with ten frames of that you know not easy at the girl I was on this date with though she was she was very bad at bowling there's there's like an interesting spectrum with bowling where it's kind of like huh aw shucks cute but then you cross like a certain point and it just becomes like genuinely concerning because I honestly don't know how you live to the age of 24 while only bowling at 24 you know I don't know like like it on one hand bowling as a sport it's fine if you're not good at it but on the other hand I also feel like it's just kind of a basic life skill if you're pouring a glass of milk it's not okay if all of a sudden you're like whoa sorry I don't know what happened can you show me am I doing this right how do you hold it it's not okay if you're like driving a car to just veer off into the other Lane we're not like oh it's fine we'll just put up medians we'll put up medians would that help at all all I'm saying is if you can't bowl like a 75 or higher consistently maybe earth isn't the place for you and for some reason she got really upset when I told her that I tend to get like really attached really quickly when I date someone that's kind of like my go-to move that's my thing and people always say it's a bad idea if you know they're like you know Only Fools Rush In don't put all your eggs in one basket which is fine but like where else do you want me to put my eggs man right where else if not this basket and do I look like the guy who has like an abundance of other baskets available to him [Laughter] alright gotta put them somewhere have you tried carrying around a bunch of eggs they just fall everywhere you have to put him in a basket just looking for somewhere to put my eggs it's actually what my tinder bio says [Applause] put those eggs somewhere sometimes getting attached like that gets me into trouble I had there was this one time I had a really good date with his girl so I got home and I was like I'm gonna look at her Spotify profile it's an important step because when I look at her Spotify I get to see if we share the same taste in music or if I need to start the process of convincing myself that I like her music and I can do either one I have no preference done both many times before but I'm going through her profile on Spotify and I see she has an entire Bruce Springsteen playlist and Bruce one of my all-time favorite artists and I start freaking out and like she's the one but then I need to scroll up and I notice it's actually her dad's playlist that she's just following it's like oh what do I do with those feelings I just had so I just love her dad what's going on here I don't know sometimes though it's it's always cool to me when you know from a very early point in a relationship someone knows that it's gonna work out you know every once in a while if you like see a guy at a wedding and he'll pull out this note and he'll be like I wrote this note the very first day I met you and he reads it off and it's super romantic and it's great but then at the same time you also know that for like every guy like that there's like eight other guys who wrote that same note and then just totally got dumped there's just like do I keep this note now it would have I guess we could get back together them to be a cool story like I almost threw this note away it makes a great writing sample well well-written I don't know though click it what are you doing that situation do you throw away that stuff or do you just like keep it forever with the hope that things will work out you know is that how you become a hoarder maybe hoarders are just the most romantic people ever you know the only difference is they keep those notes forever you know it was like as soon as I met you I never wanted to forget a single day so I started collecting every single newspaper from every day for the last 20 years so romantic I don't know if you get dumped I say you keep the note I think it's a great souvenir it's basically the romantic equivalent of like one of those Super Bowl t-shirts they make for the losing team it's a great souvenir that's keep it but it's weird sometimes do you think you know where you're at in a relationship and it turns out you were totally wrong you just misread the situation it's happened to me before it even happened in situations that have nothing to do with dating so I worked as a secretary a couple of summers back for just his office and one of my duties as Secretary was to water plants in the office yeah and you're like oh that sounds much more like a custodian mr. chary was a small office we were lots of different hats all right and the other hat I wore was gloves all right so I watered these plans every day and there were five of them by the time I finished afford the plants we're doing pretty well but one of them was just so vibrant and so green and it was my favorite plan the whole time I worked there so my last day in the office I was talking to my boss and I was like whoever comes in after me better make sure to take care of that plant because it's my favorite I always gave it extra water and it's my favorite and my boss looks at me it was like drew my plant is made of plastic I water that plant every day for four months I was convinced it was growing hey this is the first time I ever witnessed like my old dating life flashed before my eyes in a form of a plant I thought we had something special I made that plant like three mix CDs I thought it was different from all the other plants which I guess it was in the sense that it wasn't actually a plant now I just feel like I can't trust plants anymore you know to this day though I still don't understand where did the water go there's no water that hurt I didn't make it up what we had was real I'm not much better at processing a breakup though you know I just get like really emotional and random spots sometimes you know like a grocery store or like watching a movie or watching the 2016 film Central Intelligence at your apartment you know why could Kevin Hart and Dwayne the rock Johnson make it work but not me they were polar opposites they found oh wait no the weirdest place I've ever had just like a random emotional breakdown was out of Craig's cuts Craig's cuts is where I go to get my hair cut if it sounds like a high-class quality establishment it's because it is true do they give haircuts below $10 there no it depends on what day of the week you go okay quality stuff anyway I was at Craig's cuts and they were offering a scalp massage today that I win and if she's never had a scalp massage before it's kind of you go like this this is a pretty good preview maybe you think there's like a special technique to it no this is just Deniz going like this but uh I took him up on the free scalp massage how could you pass it up right and I'm sitting there and Denis starts up you know what am i calm this is nice I like this I missed this and then just this crushing wave of sadness washes over me just hits me like a wrecking ball you know I came in like a scalp massage any other place you have just like a random breakdown you can like duck out of the way you know get some privacy in there but in Craig's cuts you're like strapped into your chair forced to like stare in the mirror cuz your face slowly changes Denice is like everything all right yeah I just got pear in my eyes I haven't started cutting your hair yet that's right scalp massage then you just go home and cry watching Central Intelligence that's what happened we've all been there before you know this feels like a key time in my life right before I graduate you know I'm about to graduate be out there in the real world being an adult and I want to get things right you know I want to I want to have the life that's right for me and I want to be like a real adult and so right before this last semester started I kind of took part in this like symbolic gesture that to me was gonna symbolize the start of my adult life I bought a messenger bag that was the day my adult life started mounted that single strap around my shoulder cuz he really can't be taken too seriously with a backpack you know because as a rule of thumb but to me this messenger bag was a huge symbolic moment and to be fair other symbolic moments I've had in my life there's really only one it was when I started parting my hair in this direction instead of the other so that's the bar I'm working with here you know it felt like a big moment to me and so about a month ago I had my last first day of class I started my last semester and you know got my clothes all laid out I brushed my teeth I shaved and then I put on my messenger bag and I was ready let me get my laptop out my books and I'm gonna load them up and none of them fit in the messenger bag [Laughter] this is how I start my adult life how was I supposed to know there wasn't a sample textbook @j crew for me to shove in there now I just look like the goof walking around campus with a half-empty messenger bag and three textbooks under his arm all right look out world here I come all right you guys you've been an awesome audience that's my time thank you so much [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,748,121

Rating: 4.8256741 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Drew Allen, Drew Allen Dry Bar Comedy, Drew Allen Comedian, Drew Allen Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedians, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean stand up comedy routines, dbc, stand up, relationships, single, dating, self esteem, confidence, do better, sail boats

Id: 7PuZkSI-Vg0

Length: 43min 33sec (2613 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 06 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/KingKaos420]

Awesome! I dreamed of doing this when I was younger.

[u/jzini]

The USS business is sinking! Quick throw your feelings and hobbies overboard!