Stand Up Comedy Jokes about Europe | Jim Gaffigan

airport security is annoying it's nothing compared to international travel like going through customs and immigration that's so intense they're dressed like swat team members i just get so nervous i'm like do i have heroin on me i don't even know what heroin looks like but i might have accidentally packed some there's that mini interview with the customs agent what do you plan to do in the country murder people you got me i wasn't ready for your trick questions i always feel like an idiot when i travel internationally some of this i don't know the metric system it's not like i wasn't exposed to when i was growing up they're like learn the metric system everyone learned the metric system big switch coming up and then 10 years later they're like they're mine it's too hard it's based on tens let's go buy an suv so now i can't ask a distance when i visit another country i'm like how far is that they're like that's 500 kilometers i'm not in the olympics this isn't a james bond film what's it in normal speak but i get a kick out of what europeans don't like about americans so is that you americans are dumb you know nothing about europe it's not that we're dumb we're just not that interested sorry to want to learn more about your windmill country he's going to get a wooden shoe in his ass first time i did that joke the whole front row was dutch people and they didn't care or they did i don't know they have no emotion it doesn't matter he's the most anti-dutch comedian ever my kids were with me in amsterdam i brought my kids to the anne frank house i told some friends that they're like aren't your kids a little young for the anne frank house and you know what i learned they are they're too young but i want to bring them you know it's an important place i want them to learn so i brought them we were standing outside the anne frank house and i said this is a special somber place this is where anne frank her family and some friends hid from the nazis for two years and they couldn't speak during the day and ann also wrote this diary so let's be respectful my six-year-old raises his hand and he goes do they have video games here i said i'm gonna need you to be quiet for the rest of your life bought tickets online to the anne frank house i googled it the anne frank house has a google rating of 4.4 out of 5 stars who's giving the anne frank house a bad review it's like yeah wasn't that fun it's kind of crowded and there were no video games why do we feel the need to review everything nobody's going to anne frank's house looking for hot dogs i misread it i thought it was anne's frank house i was getting ready to have me an amsterdam dog often the museums are art museums and those are the most intimidating right because in art museums they tell us what is the good art we have no say in the matter though that's good art okay i'll take your word for it they treat everyone like a child at an art museum don't touch anything nobody touch anything i wasn't gonna now i kind of want to everyone speaking in hush tones be respectful we're about to look at the work of a madman he painted this after he chopped off his own ear why are we whispering van gogh's dead even if he was alive he couldn't hear us recently after a show someone came to me they're like you know it's not pronounced van gogh it's pronounced billy joel i do find it hard to leave art museums mainly because i can't find the accent i create another room filled with paintings of ugly dutch people in the 1600s they painted every ugly dutch person hey you're hard to look at can i do your portrait making that hay look good aren't you i drank the bottled water i feel silly buying it though just maybe i'm just too midwestern you know it's like whenever i go in a store i'm always like hey how you doing yeah i know i can get water free from any faucet but i want to pay for it i'm just curious do you have any air back there can i buy your garbage what do you think about it is water right how did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water that must have been some weird marketing meeting over in france you know some french guy was saying he's like how dumb do i think the americans are i bet you we could sell those idiots water sounds like uh pierre the americans are pretty dumb but they're not gonna buy water oh yes they are let's just tell the americans the waters from france we bought it i don't know if you're like me when they first introduced bottled water i thought it was so funny i was like bottled water because they're selling bottled water i guess i'll try it oh this is good this is more watery than water this has got a water kick to it i was looking i was looking at a bottle they have nutritional facts printed on the side now i'm no chemist but i have a rough idea what's in water kind of expect to turn the bottle see a recipe yeah that's how you make ice cubes huh france i ate so much cheese so much delicious french cheese and i feel like i'm still digesting it my delicate american body couldn't handle the french cheese and it's not like i don't eat cheese most of you look at me like we think you eat cheese we think you might only eat cheese but the french they eat cheese on a whole other level in france they make eating cheese an official course of the meal so you'll eat an appetizer then you'll eat an entree then for no reason at all you eat a bunch of chunks of cheese then you eat dessert after that you go to the hospital and of course i've eaten chunks of cheese before just not in public or with pants on eating chunks of cheese that's something i'm usually caught doing what the hell are you doing nothing honey hey i remember the first time i had the cheese course i'd eaten a naptorizor i'd eat my entree and i started eating the cheese course and i heard my heart say are you mad at me did i do something to anger you my brain took over it's all right sorry this give me some sweating files you can take a couple weeks off appendix get ready to blow tried so many delicious french cheeses and i couldn't tell you the name of one of them and they would tell me the names they're like this is jean-jean's all from the jojo journal region i'll be like so not cheddar because i tried cheddar you guys get cheddar over here yet i like me some cheddar some of the french cheeses i tried were goat cheese or as the goats call it cheese they're not caught up in your couches bias you know when i see cheese i don't even see an animal i just see something my body can't process i like goat cheese i've never looked at a goat and thought i bet that would make good cheese how do we even get to the point of goat cheese with something this cow cheese is good but see that dog that looks like it smokes meth could someone try and milk it i gotta haunt you and make cheese that would go great with beets those europeans they have a different approach to dairy when they make a sandwich in europe they put butter on their bread they put butter on the bread and then mayonnaise that's like putting on contacts and glasses butter on the bread of a sandwich that actually sounds like something americans would do that europeans would criticize us for those american pigs when they make a sandwich they put butter on the bread no wonder they fed pink that's a good impression of absolutely every european would have been hard to get jesus a present back then because wherever he got him as a present back then he must have been oh pair of socks thanks yeah you know dying for your sins right yeah but thanks for the socks yeah they'll go great with my sandals what am i german am offended on so many different levels kitchener kitchener uh schnitzel kitchener or as i refer to it berlin because kitchener is very german right any germans here yeah that's about the extent of german pride it helps that we're in the dark i don't want to lose my job that's worldwide i was in vienna austria and they were like insistent that they were not german we're not german we're not german we're totally different i mean we speak german and and our uh you know our culture is german but you know in every war we fought with germany but we're not german i almost believe you actually the reason i look like this is because my father was from sweden and my mother was elton john he was a very good mommy some cultures eat fish for breakfast good morning here's some fish it matches your breath i'm not even hungry in the morning granted because i ate a couple hours earlier but fish i was in iceland went down to breakfast at the beginning of the buffet there was a bottle of fish oil and 12 shot glasses they're drinking fish for breakfast i don't know when you're supposed to drink fish but maybe not when you wake up do you want the orange juice the grapefruit juice for the fish juice the best news that ever happened to grapefruit juice finally i'm not the worst thing on the planet the best is when you're visiting a country and someone thinks you're a native i was waiting for a cab in stockholm and this swedish lady turned to me and she was like bjorn borg bjorn borg that's not what she said that's what i heard but i knew in that moment that once this lady found out i was american she was going to be disappointed so i just decided that i was not going to speak any language she spoke she was like bjorn borg bjorn borg and i was like ah she was like francais [Laughter] she was like do you speak english and i was like that woman is now my wife it's just like the notebook massages that's how some people relax some people relax in a hot sauna and sure who doesn't love recreating the feeling of being trapped inside an active volcano i don't understand the appeal of a song here's every experience i've had in the sauna i'm like okay i'm going to get a sweat going it's going to be really good for me here we go it's time to get out right i don't want to overdo it what is so relaxing about sitting in a hot box next to a pile of smoldering rocks i always look at the rocks like whoever's cooking the rocks they're done that's a wrap on the rock cooking and to make this sonnet more enjoyable you're always seated next to a naked 80 year old man oh good i get to sweat next to someone's grandpa who's only wearing a hand towel the nudity in the sauna seems unnecessary this isn't rome i just look around the sauna like wow so this is why we wear clothes huh so we may eventually eat in finland in finland where they invented the sauna they relax in finland by drinking vodka in the sauna which might explain why we've never read any finnish literature [ __ ] in the sun actually the finns they pronounce that sauna cause they're wasted vodka in a sauna you know what kind of ideas you come up with an m m store finland i was invited to take a sauna i was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all i could think is is fun illegal here what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skiing i i can't believe cross-country skiing's even a sport hey you know that awkward part in downhill skiing where you're trying to get over to the lift what if we just did that this is fine and to turn around you know what don't turn around let's go across the country who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried i mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs get some help i'm irish but i have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the irish have blonde or red hair is because the vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those vikings the scandinavians i don't know if you've been to sweden it's like a whole country of scarlett johansson's if i was in ireland at that time i would have been oh no some viking lady's coming to pillage me i guess i'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals hopefully she can help me put together that table in stockholm i brought my kids to a ship museum the vasa museum it was a ship museum but it only had one ship so it felt more like a ship garage but that one ship the vasa ship sunk on its maiden voyage in stockholm's harbor in the 1700s which is not good but that's the largest attraction in sweden most countries their big attraction is a design marvel like the sydney opera house or the eiffel tower but sweden was like here's our boat that didn't float this is why we make furniture that ironically floats when i was in europe i tried all the local specialties you know norway i tried reindeer meat i was in a norwegian butcher shop in january and they had a sale on reindeer meat and nothing says christmas season is over quite like a sale on reindeer beach it's got to be a tough day for santa i want to thank all you reign who helped this christmas great job now when i call your name come with me 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Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 784,020

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Id: yJOxvdwvlfk

Length: 17min 59sec (1079 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 14 2020