Best MEAT Jokes | Jim Gaffigan Stand-Up Compilation

hey everyone this is a best of my meat jokes that's right i have so many jokes about meat it was a little bit frightening compiling this because there were so many i am a carnivore so if you are also a carnivore or a vegetarian who's not offended by meat jokes this is for you if you enjoy it please hit subscribe i will be releasing a new video every day during the pandemic or until i die from eating too much meat please hit subscribe and sometimes the new videos will be original content sometimes it'll be stand-up compilations you get the idea i'm a vegetarian now anyone a vegetarian yeah there you go i'm not a strict vegetarian i eat beef and pork and chicken but not fish because that's disgusting [Music] pig rose yeah pig roast we always have that pig head sitting there which is sad because you can tell they killed a pig when i was eating an apple hey pig you want an apple sure what do you do with that spear ow mid-bite every time because if you're eating steak something special is happening if you're eating bologna you might be special hey i like bologna jerk head your act is baloney your baloney has a last name and it's gaffigan baloney hater it's all relative eating healthy i mean i eat kind of healthy compared to some of the eskimos up in alaska they're eating blubber up there i'm practically starving myself on my cinnabon i mean whale blubber that's that's like eating a fat guy isn't it that's why alaska is part of the united states canadians went in there saw them eating blubber and we're like huh the americans already got here hey that's like a geography joke buddy i would have brought my globe if i needed it it's ridiculous i felt like that was anti-eskimo am i the only one that doesn't feel comfortable with the fact stuffing is cooked inside a dead animal shove a loaf of bread up there delicious kind of a humiliating way to go out for the turkey you're gonna kill me oh it's gonna get a lot worse you do not wanna know my problem is i love all the food that's bad for you like bacon we know you like bacon fried chicken you ever put a piece of fried chicken on a paper napkin you come back and the napkins turn into liquid fried chicken can't be good for you really i mean one of the serving sizes is bucket isn't that how we feed farm animals a bucket of fried chicken a silo a pepsi and a trough of pig slop make the pig slap diet of course what makes breakfast in bed so special is you're lying down and eating bacon the most beautiful thing on earth bacon's the best even the frying of bacon sounds like applause it's like [Applause] yay bacon you don't know how good bacon is to improve other food they wrap it in bacon for weren't for bacon we wouldn't even know what a water chestnut is thank you bacon sincerely water chestnut the third and those bits are bacon bits of bacon like the fairy dust of the food community you don't want this baked potato [Music] now it's your favorite part of the meal not interested in a salad bippity boppity bacon i just turned it into an entree but once you put bacon in a salad it's no longer a salad just becomes a game of find the bacon and the lettuce it's like you're panning for gold eureka bacon not many ways to prepare bacon you can either fry it or get botulism it's amazing the shrinkage that occurs you start with a pound you end up with a bookmark really the only bad part about bacon is it makes you thirsty for more bacon i never feel like i get enough bacon at breakfast it's like they're rationing it here's your two strips of bacon i want more more bacon whenever you're at a brunch buffet and you see that big metal tray filled with a 4 000 pieces of bacon don't you almost expect a rainbow to be coming out of it i found it i found the source of all bacon that bacon tray is always at the end of the buffet you regret all the stuff on your plate what am i doing with all this worthless fruit i should have waited if i had known you were here i would have waited i would eat only you bacon but you can't eat only bacon because it's terrible for you you know bacon's bad when a healthier choice is a doughnut bacon's like the opposite of medicines like ah take that lipitor i'm bacon we know bacon is bad for us for thousands of years it's literally a restriction on entering certain religions our rules no killing no cheating on your wife no bacon what was that last one no bacon i'm in the wrong line is there a bacon line around here how many bacon jokes is this guy gonna do i mean i like bacon but come on the pig is an amazing animal you feed a pig an apple it makes bacon i find that impressive let's see michael phelps do that huh the pig the pig is turning an apple essentially garbage into bacon that's magic or the most successful recycling program ever really the pig is man's best friend i love dogs but pigs would be good companions and then when they die you could have a barbecue sorry your pig died can i come over for breakfast and have some bacon bacon is that good i bet if you put bits of bacon on a strip of bacon you could travel back in time it's like a tasty vortex it'd be kind of redundant for me because i would just travel back to when i was eating bacon via bacon to bacon time space continuum that's a nerdy ass bacon joke fat back supposedly fat backs like bacon on steroids never tried fat back probably because it's called fat back i don't know which word creeps me out more fatter back why aren't they just throwing harry while they're at it there's some delicious hairy fat back that reminds me your uncle called that's gotta be the end of the bacon jokes i even like the name bacon you can't tell me the success of kevin bacon isn't somehow tied to his name you're not going out to see a kevin hot dog movie who's in this movie kevin bacon sounds good i like meat i do but you know what seems to be really obsessed with me are vegetarians for people that don't like meat they seem to eat a lot of vegetables that are mashed up and shaped to look like meat i find meat repulsive i'll have a veggie burger with fake bacon and can you serve it to me dressed like a cow i don't like meat i just like to call me late at night and hang up let's drive by meat's house does meat ever ask about me i don't care i ain't missing you at all missing you never see that the other way i will have the steak and can you make it taste like tofu my wife refuses to eat me because she feels it's cruel to animals which interestingly enough is the same reason why i don't eat vegetables i'm a vegetable rights activist whatever the potato they can't feel anything i do love animals i've never looked at a cow and thought i want to eat that but once that cow has slaughtered drained of all its blood chopped up and put on a grill i get hungry cow [Music] definitely helps if it doesn't look like an animal this ham sandwich doesn't look like a pig to me but ribs you know there's no getting around ribs because they're ribs it's amazing how casually we order yeah i will have the baby back ribs and can you wheel that out in a stroller i'm gonna start with the baby chicken legs i'm gonna have an all-baby meal hey buddy i used to be a baby how do you eat ribs without looking like a caveman anyway excuse me while i tear the flesh from this bone i need the energy for when i club you later on i like all kinds of meat even bologna i knew he was white trash i don't even know if bologna is a meat i don't think meat's supposed to catch on fire like that [Applause] what's interesting about bologna it's not just a meat it's an insult that's a bunch of baloney you're full of baloney that kind of implies bologna makes you lie i eat bologna all the time or maybe i don't maybe that's just the baloney doctor have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it who's that for i like my bologna like a martini with an olive i love the bologna sandwich dirty everything about baloney silly who decided on the pronunciation of the word baloney all right how do you want to pronounce this word baloney i don't know if you saw there's a g in the word i don't see no g baloney okay well the word does end with the name we're going with baloney trust me i came up with colonel you ever been reading and come across the word cronie like clock colonial someone important this reading's hard where's my tv i love southern food chicken and waffles fried chicken and waffles why what should we serve with the fried chicken french fries no something elegant like a waffle or a gyro or heroine i know it's lunch but i want breakfast and diabetes i love asian food i love kobe beef i know i look like a vegetarian but i'm not kobe beef if you're not familiar with that that comes from cows that are fed beer and massaged with sake and i heard that and i was like i want to be kobe beef where do i sign up for those are some happy cows they have no idea they're on death row a little lower a little lower honey why the hell this cow go for another beer you japanese love design that sake bottle actually looks like a hatchet it's just a drunk cow and it's appealing which means it's only a matter of time you have to try this chicken was raised solely on doritos what kind cool ranch but really kobe beef shows you how decadent we've become right now it's not enough that we live a life of luxury now we need to eat things that have lived a life of luxury i understand this coward a good life but did it go to private school i only accounts went to private school it did do you have anything on your menu that owned a boat kobe beef it's an interesting idea right it must have been a surprise for someone along the way it's like you like that steak this is the best steak i've ever had in my life you know i fed that cow some beers you got the cow drunk yeah and then i was massaging it why why were you massaging an animal you gave a lot of alcohol to so you could enjoy it so i could enjoy it i'm not hungry anymore i'm gonna go call special victims unit let's see what olivia benson thinks of this but really we don't want to think about what we're eating you know i love hot dogs you can't eat a hot dog in public there's always one friend that's like do you know what those are made of i don't want to know because hot dogs are like strippers no one wants to know the back story well when i was 12 not interested let's put mustard on that i can say that joke because i used to be a stripper i was so good they paid me to put my clothes back on we don't like to think about we're eating buffalo wings chicken wings i'm sure you savages eat those those are baby chicken's wings that you're eating i don't need those i eat the chicken legs i would never take away a bird's ability to fly some people were like oh chickens can't fly how do we know they become too dependent on those legs legs are making birds lazy you ever see footage of a hippo crossing a river there's always a bird sitting on its back how lazy is that bird it's going to take the hippo 10 minutes to get across that river that bird could glide across that bird i want to eat their legs mostly because i'm pro-hippo this is the point in the show where i usually think about what i'm gonna eat afterwards i typically get a steak because i'm a man and i tell you if the eating steak is manly it is the only manly attribute i have i i know nothing about cars i'm not handy i can't fix things something breaks in our apartment i just look at my wife like we should call someone i don't even call my wife calls some stranger comes over i just kind of watch them work i'm like you want some brownies or something my wife could make us some brownies i don't know how to work the stove sometimes i try and act like i have something more important to do like yeah i'm gonna be over here working on my uh diarrhea jokes in case you want to talk sports or steak or something but i don't know why steak is considered manly i guess it harkens back to when a man would hunt the animal they'd kill the animal and then they'd eat the animal but now we just eat the it's not as if hunting a cow was ever that hard today fellas we are gonna hunt ourselves the elusive cow oh there's one right here how do you get the milkshakes out of that thing but i do love steak i order steaks from omaha steaks do you buy your meat online that's not a sign of a problem just type it in a styrofoam cooler shows up the same kind of cooler they're going to deliver my replacement heart in there's always a neighbor walking by when i get a delivery like ah jim got another box of meat i imagine that apartment will be freeing a little bit whenever i ate steak at home i always use a1 steak sauce everyone has that same thin bottle of a1 that feels empty right before it floods your steak everyone's had the same bottle of a1 since 1989. i was looking at the ingredients magic magic and prunes i love steak i love going to a steakhouse one of those old-fashioned steakhouses you go in there it's dimly lit the waiters are no nonsense you get mistakes that you want to stay right yes ma'am i want a steak have you been to one of the stages where they show you the raw cuts of meat they just kind of thrust them at the table they're like this one or this one and men were so visual throw it throw it in my mouth area remember the lakey meaty sometimes i show you a vegetable like you've never seen one this is a potato that's a potato but the vegetables in the steakhouse they don't come with the steak they're all a cart like leg room on southwest and they're not even called vegetables they're called side dishes because what they do to vegetables and steak houses they're no longer vegetables and get our spinach that we cooked in ice cream there's also our house specialty which is a baked potato stuffed with 20 sticks of butter if you're on a diet we can do it in 19 steps but i love this day when i die i want to be buried in a steakhouse we're not buried just my casket on display and you know people in steakhouse they wouldn't even care they'd be like what's the deal with the casket uh that was a comedian his one wish yeah i'll have a rib eye uh coming right up mrs graffigan when i was in europe i tried all the local specialties you know norway i tried reindeer meat i was in a norwegian butcher shop in january and they had a sale on reindeer meat and nothing says christmas season is over quite like a sale on reindeer beach it's got to be a tough day for santa i want to thank all you reign who helped this christmas great job now when i call your name come with me into the smokehouse there were cannibals by the way at one time all human civilizations were cannibal which means back then it meant something different when someone said i'm craving indian or thai i can see how you want to be offended but there's no reason but i uh started my canadian tour in the maritimes i started in halifax i landed the first thing i did is i ate a donaire and the second thing i did was have explosive diarrhea i should have known something bad was coming when i walked in the guy was like you don't even look drunk i'm not here you go did you know that donaire was started by a turkish immigrant who moved to halifax and wanted to open a toilet paper company it's really a beautiful canadian story it really is those donaires are amazing you know that's that's spicy meat with that sweet sauce which i'm almost positive is just melted ice cream i'll have a darn air making cookies and cray that don't hear me i don't i still can't find out what it is it's like you know dancer and prancer and donaire and blitzen but do you recall [Music] the most tasty diarrhea causing meat of all it's the donaire i'm convinced that uh the donaire was just created so we can digest poutine right some guy went to the die i had poutine a month ago doctor's like i'm gonna prescribe you a donaire i think it'll work i'm also gonna give you a prescription for a diaper it's very important you put the diaper on before you eat the donut

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 678,306

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Id: YF-ujgS5zOw

Length: 22min 17sec (1337 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 04 2020