Best DRINKING Jokes | Stand-Up Compilation

hi everyone this is a compilation video of all the jokes that i came up with about drinking or alcohol or bars it's all about booze if you enjoy it please hit subscribe maybe share it with somebody who enjoys the booze i'm going to be posting a new video every day during the pandemic so if you want to see more hit subscribe and i don't know why this is all flabby down here i'm an old man anyway i love you [Music] i uh i am single i don't drink it's kind of it's kind of hard to get a woman buzz when you don't drink you'll be like uh yeah i'll have a glass of water and you want a shot of jaeger you want eight of them when you don't drink people always need to know why too they're like you don't drink why this never happens with anything else you don't use mayonnaise why are you addicted to mayonnaise is it okay if i use mayonnaise i could go outside i love our holiday traditions like the christmas tree where we go out and we chop down a tree and we put it in our living room kind of sounds like the behavior of a drunk man really some woman wakes up honey why is there a [Music] a pine tree in our living room i like it we're gonna we're gonna decorate it for jesus then i'm going to hang my socks over the fireplace fill them with candy maybe i'll tie some leaves to the ceiling see if i can get some action but now i got to puke on that couch merry christmas my favorite gift i've ever received is a flask i think giving someone a flask is a nice way of saying hey you seem like a drunk on the go you strike me as needing hard liquor at all times should be good for you and your car [Applause] [Music] don't you love how we have different containers that we drink different alcohol out of like you ever try and drink wine out of anything but a wine glass you feel like a drunk hey can you refill my yahtzee shaker hit the sippy cup too idanka so much formality with wine like that wine menu does anyone really know what they're looking at when they look at a wine menu because if you do you're an alcoholic oh yeah i had three of these for breakfast i always make the mistake of asking for the waiter's suggestion you know instead one would compliment your meal yeah i'm gonna go with a five dollar bottle that complements my wallet stayed at my brother's place for a while he has a bar in his house which is cool but how do you have a bar in your house and not a bit you have a little bit of a drinking problem i'm not an alcoholic i just need a room dedicated to booze here's where i watch tv here's where we eat i get tanked over here i've got a porn closet in the back crack dan's downstairs is he drunk i think he's drunk you see some of you are drinking that's not the answer it's not eating is it's amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes right because even as a teenager you know it's wrong you're like you know i don't like the taste of it but i want to look cool and then in your 20s you're like you know what this kind of gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex then in your 40s you're like you know what this is the only thing i like about being alive it's only funny because it's true i'm sure some of you going to go to some bars head to a bar right yeah i never really feel comfortable right when i get in a bar i'm always kind of like who are all these strangers but after a couple beers i'm like these guys are probably my best friends because your experience in a bar changes over the course of the night right as the night goes on you see really why we go to bars we go to bars so we can behave like children toddlers really you ever go to a bar at 2 a.m you might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school it's the same experience the behavior is the same in both places both places there's always some strange yelling for no reason at all you know both places you go in the bathroom it's obvious not everyone's potty train both places there's always someone crying she was my best friend [Music] but not anymore [Music] both places occasionally there's a fight you know he was standing where i wanted to stand so i punched him in the head i need more juice but at 2am people are drunk in bars i love how we're always surprised when someone's drunk in a bar we're actually shocked we're like look at that guy he's wasted in a bar i came here to read a novel mostly the people that are drunk in bars are drunk because they're drinking shots and really the only time to ever drink a shot is never no one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of i got wasted last night and then i went out and built some low-income housing that never happens you always wake up the next day and you're like i need a new identity maybe two of them because if you're drinking shots it's either your birthday or you're trying to forget you were ever born there is something honest about a shot it's like i want to get right to the embarrassing part of the night write the pants off but we don't even drink shots we take them like they're medicine this will cure my normal behavior everyone acts like we're in a western that'll give me the courage to confront this plate of nachos strangers will buy you a shot you brother hello let me buy a shot this never happens with anything else hey what do you see you and me let's do some appetizers jalapeno poppers you gotta turn that shot down before they get it poured cause once it's poor they act like you're rejecting a sweater they crocheted you you know how hard i worked on this you didn't at all but i don't mind the bars unless they're really crowded you know like five or six people deep at the bar everyone's competing for the bartender's attention we look like we're trying to get disaster relief from the red cross like i need mine more than he needs his i can never get the bartender's attention amazing you try and make eye contact show them you have money i have cash but you can't try too hard in a crowded bar you have to have to cool you like i don't even care if i get served i just like standing in crowded uncomfortable places later on i'm going to swing by the airport see what that tsa line's like i like the lines never enough bartenders in a crowded bar those bartenders look like they're in the middle of a triage unit they're like give me 40 cc's never enough bartenders you ever get faked out by the arrival of a bar back you're like finally another bart it's a bar back and those poor bar backs they always act like they're not qualified to serve you like oh no no no no i can carry 12 cases up a narrow staircase but handing you a beer not yet i'm still learning from the master because in a crowded bar the bartender is the master right all the authority goes to that some of them act like they're not even obligated to serve you they're like i know i don't know what i'm gonna do with all this booze maybe i'll just pour it i'll make a puddle and we fall for it we're like well let's either deal with this guy or make it in our bathtub at home damn prohibition there's male and female bartenders female bartenders they always seem a little tougher than they need to be right i don't want to say [ __ ] because that would describe them perfectly not all some female bartenders definitely go off that vibe like damn hit on me treat me with respect and don't be distracted by the fact i'm wearing a bikini okay honey they always call you honey like they're your grandma or something what can i get you honey i don't know a birthday card with two dollars in it uh maybe a beer if you're not too busy condescending me but if you've been to a bar you've probably been to a filthy public restroom we've all been in those bars where you're like oh wow now i know why they serve alcohol here and when i'm talking about uh the filthy bathroom i'm talking about the men's room i don't know about the ladies room i've been in there in like a week but the men's room i don't know what happens to guys when we go into a public restroom some anger comes out some of this stuff that's written on the walls you never have a friend admit it like hey give me a second i gotta pee and draw a swastika i'll be right back there's guys writing things on the walls and then there are the guys that reply some guy right this place sucks another guy right no you suck cause if that first guy is ever gonna see that look he's gathering up his friends well this is what i wrote on this one hey wait a minute that guy said i suck you double suck but all public restrooms even when you go even at fancy places you ever go in the the restroom and there's a bathroom attendant arnold's like oh no call me a loner but if there's one thing i don't want anyone attending when i'm using the restroom let alone someone sticking around to sell me a paper towel they don't sell they always wave it at you like here you don't have to tip me you can just have bad luck the rest of your life and you have to tip the bathroom attendant you can't justify not tipping you can't be like ah he doesn't need it he's just working next to a toilet you have to tip the bathroom attendant sometimes the bathroom attendant will have an incentive for a tip they'll have like gum and cologne on a shelf no thanks on the gum i'm sure a lot of that flavor has probably been knocked away here in your office where'd you get the gum bathroom you know some stranger and a half a tuck sold it to me what flavor is that bathroom in the cologne you know talk about a place you don't want to pick up a scent well you smell different bathroom again same guy had a jug of liquid sitting on a shelf i just sprayed myself good guy i'm moving in with him of course canada is the home of the caesar cocktail the caesar cocktail you're very proud of that which is a caesar is kind of like a bloody mary but with clam juice [Music] clam juice wow i didn't know that was an ingredient or a liquid you know that thing from the ocean that looks like a snot what if we made it into a juice think about it say you just did you just went jogging all right you're parched you're thirsty i hand you a tall glass of clam juice you chug it and then we're ready to go to the club he has never met a canadian before it has nothing to do with it the caesar was created in calgary landlocked calgary which has the finest clams i just love how you guys how canadians like complain about the bloody mary you're like oh the bloody mary oh that's so disgusting that drink that doesn't have clam juice in it oh like beer this may not surprise you by looking at me i am an overweight american male in my early 40s all right late 40s all right let's just say i'm an overweight american male who likes beer not just any beer i like a quality beer that can help me forget that i'm well not in my early 40s a beer preference is personal at family reunions my brothers will always make fun of me for liking fancy beer jimmy and his fancy beer as far as i can tell what makes my beer preference fancy to my brothers is that it requires a bottle opener but i'm aware my beer palette is anything but complex now it seems every city town and hamlet i visit has its own beer made by locals specialty beers micro beers craft beers made by community artisans and i can tell you without exception they're all bad hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 733,890

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Id: KiP1RYhZRHM

Length: 15min 4sec (904 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 02 2020