- I hope it doesn't sound
like I'm picking on her. 'Cause I'm grateful to
have her in my life. It's nice to have a partner. Someone looking out for
you, you look out for them. Like I did two weeks of
shows out of town in December and when I came home, my wife
informed me that she made me an appointment for the gastroenterologist. (audience laughs) If you're unfamiliar, that's the doctor that sticks
the camera up your butt. (audience laughs) I mean, they do other things, but that's what they're famous for. (audience laughs) That's probably how they
attract people to the field. (audience laughs)
You like photography? (audience laughs) I gotta job you're gonna love. (audience laughs) I didn't ask my wife to
set up this appointment. I wasn't sick, I didn't have any symptoms. She just did it 'cause she
was looking out for me. So she casually brought it up. She goes, just so you know,
I made you an appointment for the gastroenterologist. And I said, just so you
know, I won't be going. (audience laughs) She was like, why wouldn't you go? It's just a consultation. I said, well, it's the principle. I'm an adult. I make my own decisions. Thank you. Anyway, so I'm at the gastroenterologist. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) The doctor starts to
describe the procedure. And I said look, I should
probably let you know, I don't really enjoy
getting my picture taken. (audience laughs) I would be open to an ultrasound, I think a lot of men are curious what the jelly on the belly feels like. (audience laughs) Anyway, the doctor, he
didn't think it was funny. (audience laughs) And I knew it was precautionary, so I agreed, so he went
over to his computer and he goes all right, my next available appointment
is in three months. And I was like, three months? This was in December. I didn't know if I wanted this procedure to hang over my head during the holidays. Jim, you want another piece of pie? No, I'm getting a camera up my butt. (audience laughs) I don't some teams of doctors being like, wow, this guy loves pie. (audience laughs) Barry, get out here! He's got a half a pie up there. (audience laughs) I didn't know what could delay
this important procedure. But part of me didn't wanna find out. I didn't want the doctor to be like, well the real delay is finding
someone to clean the camera. (audience laughs)
That takes forever. Turn over in that position's insane. You know, people do it
once, and they're like, you know what, I'm going
back on food stamps. (audience laughs) Then I was thinking,
maybe it's the doctor. Maybe he's like, dude I can only do this procedure once a month. Then I gotta take a week
off, sit on the beach, and ask myself why keep sticking
cameras up people's butts. (audience laughs) I coulda been a dentist. (audience laughs) Again with the dental reference. (audience laughs) But in February I had the procedure, and I think every man in
here should get a colonoscopy 'cause I had to.
(audience laughs) It's not an easy decision. 'Cause the best news you can find out from getting a camera stuck up your butt is learning you didn't need to have a camera stuck up your butt. (audience laughs) That's the best news. Yeah, we didn't need to do that. (audience laughs) We can just chalk that up, one for fun. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) And the day before the
procedure, you can't eat anything and I'm a total pig, so I was terrified. But after I was awake for five hours and I hadn't eaten
anything, I wasn't hungry. I was suicidal.
(audience laughs) I was so bored, I was
like what am I supposed to sit here and feel feelings? (audience laughs) And then that at noon and at 6:00 pm, you have to drink this
serum that I believe is made by a collaboration of
Ex-Lax and Taco Bell. (audience laughs) Packet on the side of the serum that should have just said
drink this in the bathroom. (audience laughs) Might wanna grab a pillow and a book. (audience laughs) 'Cause I tell you, I've
had diarrhea before. (audience laughs) This is the point where everyone acts like they've never had diarrhea. I don't even know what
Jim's talking about, do you? (audience laughs) Yeah, I'm the only one who's had diarrhea in a hotel hot tub, okay.
(audience laughs) Like we're at the same hotel. No, I've had diarrhea. I don't wanna brag.
(audience laughs) No I've had diarrhea, but
calling what this serum did to my body diarrhea is an
insult to the word diarrhea. (audience laughs) My body made noises I didn't know existed. At one point, I thought
I stepped on a puppy. (audience laughs) I was in the bathroom for hours. (audience laughs) For hours. Checking email. Ignoring phone calls. (audience laughs) 'Cause serum or not, you
can't answer the phone in the bathroom, 'cause you
can't hide the fact you're in the bathroom, 'cause there's an echo. Are you in a well? Yes, yes, I'm down here in a well. Just, no kids in this well. Making sure no kids fell in. (audience laughs) But I kept getting this call
from the doctor's office, and I thought there might
be important information, like someone saying do
not drink the serum. (audience laughs) So I answered it. And it was just somebody
confirming the appointment. And I don't know how
someone's supposed to sound when they confirm a colonoscopy, but this person was really casual. They were like, hey, how are you? So are we gonna see you tomorrow? What are we having, brunch? (audience laughs) I thought I was getting
a camera up my butt. (audience laughs) She gave me the address, the
next morning I went there. It wasn't at a hospital or a clinic, it was in some building. Just picture where you imagine the black market would
harvest human organs. (audience laughs) What am I doing here? And I took an elevator to the basement. There was this huge space
with all these makeshift rooms with shower curtains,
and I was led into one. There was all this talking. You know when you're nervous,
and you think you hear things. I thought I heard someone go,
I can't believe he's here. (audience laughs) I want his kidney. (audience laughs)
I was terrified. And then eventually, an
anesthesiologist walked in, he gave me a shot and he goes, just wanna go through what's gonna happen. Right now I'm giving you some medicine which will knock you out. When you wake up, you
won't remember anything. You okay with that? (audience laughs) And against every instinct
in my body, I just went okay. (audience laughs) And the last memory I have is just watching the
anesthesiologist leave the room as I heard someone go, I want his spleen. (audience laughs) And I woke up and I was fine. I mean, I'm pregnant, but I'm fine. (audience laughs) I'm not pregnant. My wife, I haven't
talked to her in an hour, you know, but we got five kids. And that seems like a lot. (audience laughs) And frankly, it's too many.
(audience laughs) It is a lot. But what am I gonna do now? It's not like they come
with free return shipping. (audience laughs) I love having five kids. I travel with them 'cause I
don't wanna be away from them. And also I enjoy the look on waitstaff's faces when
I walk in with my family. (audience laughs) 'Cause my kids are five,
six, eight, 11, and 13. And we walked into a restaurant in Dallas and I saw a waitress look at me and my family and quit her job. (audience laughs) I mean, she could've been
getting off her shift, I just saw her look at us
and throw down her apron. (audience laughs)
And storm off. And I felt like we won. (audience laughs) But I like being a dad, you know. It's, I try to do one-on-one
time with each of my kids, but it's hard 'cause I travel, and there's a lot of them, so sometimes that special daddy and
me time is just doing something mundane like going
with me to the post office. It's like, that's right
buddy, just you and me. Going to find out why we got
this damn slip on our door. (audience laughs) Stick that in the memory bank. My dad, always making time for me. (audience laughs) Squeezing me into errands. I remember walking to the post office and listening to him bitch and moan about the federal government. (audience laughs) What a guy. Try to be a good dad. I got my kids a dog. I rescued a dog. (audience cheers) Thank you, thank you.
(audience applauds) I, well it's not like
the dog was drowning. (audience laughs) The dog wasn't a victim
of sex trafficking. I just went in a building, gave
a guy money, and got a dog. (audience laughs) That's how I rescued it. After that, I rescued a pizza. (audience laughs) I actually, I had to
wait to rescue the dog 'cause the dog was in Jamaica. I don't know if it was on vacation. (audience laughs) But I rescued a dog from paradise so it could live in my crowded
New York City apartment. Sometimes I put the leash on the dog and it looks at me like, I
used to run on the beach. (audience laughs) And now I sleep in a cage. My only hope is that one
day you'll get rescued. (audience laughs) But rescue is the
language of today, right? And we mean adoption. Now people don't even say they own dogs. Now people say they're a dog parent, but I feel like dogs
are different from kids. Like you never hear a
parent say, you know, my son had some behavior problems, so we gave him to a friend
who had a farm upstate. (audience laughs) That way he can run around and
we'll visit him on weekends. Jim, you're a monster. (audience laughs) Hi, I'm Jim Gaffigan. And I wanted to just thank
you for watching that video. It just makes me giddy. I mean, not giddy, but it makes me happy. And frankly, I don't have
much more time on this planet. And I was, I guess if there's
anything else I'd want, it would be if you would subscribe, but you don't have to do it. I know you're busy.
(bell rings) You know, you're cool. You've got other videos to watch. But if you hit subscribe, I don't know. Maybe I'll have the
willpower to pull it out. That sounded dirty.
Hah! Okay, that made me laugh. Thanks for posting