Best CATHOLIC Jokes Compilation | Jim Gaffigan

hey everyone this is a compilation of the best catholic jokes i've come up with over my career i'm sure i'll get some pretty interesting comments i always do when i post anything about religion but these are the best jokes about being catholic catholics and the whole catholic experience if you enjoy it please hit subscribe i'll be posting a new video every day during the pandemic and i hope you're hanging in there i don't know much about the bible myself i haven't read it because i don't have to because i'm catholic oh he's going to hell not a lot of catholics have read the bible it's a different perspective on rules for catholics not like other religions you know hindus are not supposed to eat meat they don't eat meat cats like only eat fish on fridays unless you forget and do what the hell you want we'll see it easter my wife my wife's really catholic she's like a shiite catholic she's always worried about diablo so i joke around with her i'll call her up see who is this and i'll go the devil she brings me to church every sunday if you've never been to a catholic mass that is the longest experience of your life makes you look forward to going to the dmv times it seems like they're dragging church out on purpose [Applause] let's wrap it up i got some sinning to do there's too much standing involved in church can i lie down and worship well i mean the hot pocket god pocket i mostly daydream in church i always have that introspective look on my face like putting inside i'm like did i go to wendy's twice yesterday [Applause] not a good calf like i don't even feel comfortable when someone's praying next to me in church i'm like can you do that outside i'm trying to check out some of the ladies in here [Music] i do have the dirtiest thoughts in church i was like peace be with you and an extra piece for you my wife always wants me to go to confession don't get me wrong it's not that i don't enjoy lying to a holy man i just don't know how honest people are being in there they're going there for like a minute and a half yeah i lied i double parked can we wrap this up i'm meeting a hooker yeah grassy pot right seems like so much a church's memorization i have a horrible memory i'm always like our father we're in heaven without the approved written consent of major league baseball i think religion is fascinating you know adam and eve kicked out a paradise for eating an apple an apple would you ever been tempted by an apple i've been like uh kerver and caramel come back to me hey you got a cake back there i love cake i know religion jokes make some people uncomfortable and i call them sinners my wife is very catholic if you've never been to a catholic mass it's still going on never really ends they just loop it around i can never get my wife to leave when church is over she's always like why don't we stay and talk to the weirdest people here she doesn't consider me a real catholic because i don't go to church or follow any of the church teachings but occasionally i'll root for notre dame so i'm catholic i think it's interesting how catholics and protestants didn't get along how did that play out yeah you see those people over there with the almost identical beliefs is mine i want to kill them because my god's all about love big families are like waterbed stores they used to be everywhere and now they're just weird some people think it's religious like you have all those kids for religious reasons that's how it works if anything you have four or five kids and then you become religious because once you lose a kid at the mall you know atheist or not you start talking to god right away hey god i know i haven't talked in a while prize since finals in high school anyway if you could help me find my son i promise i'll change my life i'll stop going to wendy's oh there he is never mind god well we're off to wendy's talk to when i get cancer do do do do because that's how it works right we really only reach out when we have a crisis that's got to be annoying for god he's got to be like well well well someone gets the big c and they turn into billy graham all of a sudden i seem to remember when you were in college i didn't exist but now you're chatty cathy a joke that combines cancer and religion always a crowd pleaser but we all aspire to be forgiving pope john paul ii forgave the guy who tried to assassinate him i mean granted he was the pope he couldn't be like let's torture this bastard he kind of had to forgive him but pope john paul ii went to the guy's jail cell and forgave him but then he laughed it's not like danny lived with the guy like if the pope lived with the guy we would have seen how long that forgiveness would have lasted pope your turn to do the dishes didn't you shoot me i think it's always your turn to do the dishes bless you my son pope that's a tough job anyone pope here no pope's a tough job you know it's tough because the last one quit it's like i'm done i'm out of here remember when the vatican was like uh you're supposed to speak for god until you die and the pope was like god told me to quit and eat more cheese our new pope pope francis calls people on the phone i don't know why you'd ever believe it's the pope hello it's the pope oh can you hold on i have spider-man on the other line i'm no saint but nobody is nobody even goes for sane today right there's no saints nobody's like you know what i'm thinking of uh i'm either going to go graphic design or saint nobody goes for it because well there are there are latter-day saints there's mormons i love the mormons i don't know what latter-day means maybe that means they're like deviant till 3 p.m i'm like wow kids are coming home let's get out of these s m outfits honey bacon khakis i'm talking about the traditional catholic sense of a of a saint nobody goes for saint anymore because it's too hard to be considered a catholic saint you have to perform two miracles i don't know why it's two it's not like half of us be like you know if it was one i'd go for it yeah cause i could do that thing with my elbow it's not like one miracle's not impressive you're never in a job interview unless your special skills walk on water microsoft word tell me about the microsoft word actually where i live in new york city is where the soon-to-be first african-american saint is buried his name was pierre toussont and he was a hairdresser i don't even know you could be a hairdresser in a saying but he apparently got done cutting people's hair and they were like this is a miracle and he was a great man and he'll he'll be a saint he'll probably be the patron saint of hairdressers you know because saints are in charge of things like you're in charge of hairdressers you're in church a lost object saint patrick you're in charge of ireland saint patrick patron saint of ireland every march 17th we honor st patrick by getting wasted right but we don't know we don't know st patrick could be up in heaven going i didn't even drink what are these people doing i like their color blue i made that very clear can someone remind god i'm from italy i don't want to rock the boat here but these irish are degenerates because they don't get to choose what they're the patron saint of right like saint bonaventure patrons saying to bowel issues i'm not making that up bowel issues that talk about a promotion you don't want bond adventures in heaven saying peter comes and goes bonaventure you're a saint bonaverse is like yes yes am i the patron saint of scholars not scholars what am i the patrons saying of bowel issues bowel issues yeah you know when someone's getting a colonoscopy or say they're sitting on the toilet with ibs or explosive diarrhea and they're praying to god well we don't want them praying directly to god you would be like a conduit that way god's not talking to someone who's doing number two okay of course i'm talking about catholic saints because i'm catholic i'm not a good catholic like if there was a test for catholics i would fail but then again most catholics would fail which is probably why there's not a test but since i'm catholic and i'm a comedian i was asked to open for the pope when he visited america and before you're impressed it didn't go well like i opened for the pope but the pope wasn't sitting there like i don't know how the pope laughs hopefully not like jabba the hutt but i did 15 minutes of stand up and then the pope mobile drove into this outdoor amphitheater space i opened for an automobile and that's not even the first time i've opened for a car i had to cut my honeymoon shorts so that i could perform at the iowa state fair where i opened for kyle busch's nascar kyle busch wasn't there just his car i did 15 minutes of stand up and then some stagehands pushed his number 18 on the stage and audience members came up and got pictures with the car the car did better but i did open for the popemobile in philadelphia philadelphia the city of brotherly love and if you've been there you know they mean that sarcastically i love philly but saying philadelphia is the city of brotherly love is a little bit like saying syria a place for peace i love philly i love you know i love the whole northeast i'm from the midwest but i choose to live in the northeast because i love the energy and i love the fact that everyone in the northeast is angry for absolutely no reason at all from philadelphia to boston pissed off right that whole cello line i call it the corridor of hate but that is why we are the united states think of those initial 13 colonies like in virginia those guys like jefferson and madison those guys were like the philosophers they're like we're born with these inalienable rights we should have representation but it was the people in the northeast in boston they were like screw it down by the tea in the habit those english are dicks they don't say that before hospital don't you wish you were there when the bostonians explained to the virginia yeah we listened to all that stuff you said so we started a war with england the greatest superpower on the planet the virginians were like we were talking hypothetically even patrick henry was like when i said give me liberty or give me death i didn't mean actual death i was talking like death by chocolate dad but so i was in philadelphia for the event at the sound check and they constructed this huge amphitheater next to the ben franklin parkway which is a highway and the amphitheater was empty and i was up there doing the sound check and i looked on the highway and it was already filled with a million people and i looked at those people and i thought wow a million people that don't want to see me do stand-up comedy because they were all there to see the pope and now one of those million people was thinking i hope the pope has a comedian open for him but i shouldn't have been surprised in the weeks leading up to the event through all these interviews are like you're opening for the pope there's gonna be millions of people there are you nervous are you gonna prepare and i'm like i'm definitely nervous i'm definitely going to prepare anyway i didn't prepare so i was on stage at the sound check looking at those million people and i thought i got to come up with some philadelphia jokes but what do i know about philadelphia i know cheesesteaks liberty bell and i just watched this espn 30 for 30 documentary about eagles fans in 1968 throwing snowballs at someone dressed like santa claus that's all i knew so i went off and i tried to think of some philadelphia jokes before you knew it the event started and i was introduced and i walked out and the amphitheater was still empty and you know because the pope wasn't there and it was a catholic event so everyone was at the bar all right i guess i'm just gonna do my show for no one so i go it's good to be here in philadelphia and i heard this roar behind me and it was all the people on the highway and i was like all right i'll play to them i was like philadelphia loves the pope and i was like not that i was worried but you guys weren't that nice to santa nothing silence and then i heard something that sounded like booing because it was booing it wasn't everyone it was like 10 so 100 000 people booing by santa joke before they saw their religious leader who was going to talk to them about mercy so i did what anyone would do when they're being booed i acted like i wasn't being booed i did some jokes about being lazy and food and i kind of got the crowd back and i got off stage disaster averted and i pulled out my phone and i started checking twitter and i saw the most angry hateful tweets i've ever seen how dare you bring up the santa incident never come back to philly i wish i could punch you bring up the santa incident in philly is like bring up the holocaust in germany that was an actual tweet of course the difference being that the holocaust happened and santa has never existed at that moment there was a tap on my shoulder and it was one of the organizers and they're like do you want to meet the pope and i was like i'm good i was like yeah of course i'd love to meet the pope so i was put in this room with some of the other performers and we were lined up and the pope came in and they started greeting people and i noticed people that the pope was meeting they were saying something to the pope and i didn't know what i was going to say to the pope and before you knew it the pope was right in front of me and i just said don't bring up the sentence [Applause] and the pope he didn't say anything he just gave me a look of like dude i would never do that this is philadelphia they'd crucify me of course a catholic country here you know in valencia i saw the holy grail well you know maybe right you know it's possibly the cup that jesus drank from at the last supper but probably not and there are like supposedly there's two other cups that are possibly cups that jesus drank from at the last supper but probably not in fact i have a cup at home that jesus possibly drank from but probably not it's a sippy cup so it was probably baby jesus this guy's a jerk he's just rude pope that's a weird job huh anyone pope here pope never goes out wouldn't it be weird to go to high school with the pope you know somebody did somebody's sitting at home watching tv in poland they see the pope they think that guy was a jerk that was so mean to me and now he's pope i got a swirly from the pope i think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope that would be the ultimate bragging rights oh your son's a doctor yeah ours is pope oh they have a house he has his own city it's in europe do you think when the pope was a little kid he fantasized about eventually becoming pope you know like we might about being a professional athlete was he like eight years old in his backyard going there he is the leader of all the catholics i was raised catholic my dad my dad used to always volunteer me for the reading in church you know i'd be like six years old he'd be like you'll be doing the reading i'd be like christ never have my glasses i wouldn't be able to read i'd be like a letter from peter to the postage post somebody kill me i'd rather go to hell than read up here church you're reading from the bible that's how you can make something up you can get the first line and then ad-lib no letter from peter to the apostles uh dear apostles how was your weekend sure is hot here tell jesus hey this is the word of the lord from a very big family very large family nine parents anyone else i'm actually one of six kids catholic you ever notice people from big catholic families they always saw that catholic after the number six kids catholic six kids catholic like if you didn't hear the catholic prayer you think six kids his mother really likes sex oh she was catholic i'm the youngest too and when you're the youngest of a big family people are always like you're the baby you're spoiled you know the fact man when you're the youngest of a big fan by the time you're a teenager your parents are insane you're like hey i'm going roller skate you're not going roller skating you'll end up pregnant like your sister why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer parents get burned out in big families you can even see it in the naming of children it's always like the first kid you are named after grandma the seventh kid you were named after a sandwich i had i love that now get your brother reuben hello what are you doing here me what am i doing here yes why are you at a church rectory i'm catholic barely my wife made me come genie yes i have a personal relationship with her believe me i've heard all about it but you know you know we we you and i we could hang out sometime if you wanted great how about sunday morning morning but i i i'm more of an afternoon guy so afternoon then well how early in the afternoon because i um you know like i'll get up i'll make pancakes i'll make eggs and the kids won't even eat them but then i'm full so i'll take a nap hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 734,405

Rating: 4.8180246 out of 5

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Id: f5TPR2vFfZQ

Length: 21min 42sec (1302 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 30 2020