I spend too much time in hotels, I do. Sometimes at night I find myself thinking of the hundreds and hundreds
of interesting people that have stayed in my room, and then I'll just get
up and sleep in the tub. Because that's nasty. You couldn’t give away a used mattress, but we'll pay a 100 bucks
to sleep on one for a night. "Thanks Price-line. Here, let me slip on this robe that someone else wore 12 hours ago. Ah, luxury." The amount of denial
that we embrace when we stay in a
hotel is staggering. If you knew a stranger used
your bath towel at home once you'd be, burn it and
bury it in the backyard. But we get in a
hotel, we're like. I'm sure the business guy before me
only dried his elbow with this towel. We change, entitlement,
We become lazy. You see that around the mini-bar right? You're like, "8 bucks for a Coke?" Well, it's either this or walk down
the hall to the vending machine. Who's got time for
that, I'm naked. I'm always naked in my hotel room. Hey, it's not my couch. There is always that realization maybe I'm not the first
person to do that. Because you're never the first
person to do anything in a hotel room. The 10 commandments
were based on what’s already happened
in your hotel room. That's why there’s a Bible in
there, for references. You're like, "haha that happened too?
Oh, no. I'm sleeping in the tub for sure." We change in hotels we all kind of turn into
klepto's, we're all gonna be like. "Ah, what can I take in here? Time to make some money back! Haha, ha, looks like I don’t have
to buy shampoo for like a day. Ka-ching." The only toiletry I don’t
take is the shower cap because I'm one of those weird
people that likes clean hair. I've never even met anyone
who's used a shower cap, probably because they all died 80 years ago. If you're are the oddball
that's gonna use a shower cap you probably brought your own, and a few extra for the rest of the Golden Girls. Some hotels
treat you like a klepto you go in the closet,
they have those hangers with two parts with the tiny baby head, so you don’t steal them. "Oh really hotel,
you don’t trust me with the real hangers? Well just for that,
I'm gonna steal the whole damn closet. Let see how this room
works sans closet." This is how I would carry a closet. "That's not how you carry a closet. It's the worst closet
carrying I've ever seen." There's always that plastic bag
for the hotel laundry service. I did that once, it would have been
cheaper to have my credit card stolen. "$10 to wash a pair of
underwear that cost 3 bucks? What,
did you clean it with champagne?" I do love that wake-up
call, right? How did that start?
With someone like, "ah yeah, my mommy's not here so I'm gonna need
someone to wake me up. By the way,
no one tucked me in yet. Let's go for a story,
you got Good Night Moon down there? How about Harry the Dirty Dog, that's a good one." I seem to stay in a lot of hotels that have the indoor swimming pool. You can always tell a hotel has a indoor pool because their lobby will smell
like as bucket of bleach. "Uh, do you guys have
an indoor pool or did someone just clean
up a murder scene? Because my eyes are bleeding, and." Occasionally I'll hit the indoor
pool, that's always relaxing right? "Until anyone else shows up." Because then you're just in a gigantic
tub, essentially in your underwear with some stranger lurking there. The polite thing to do
is ignore the other person because there's nothing you can say at
that point that doesn’t sound creepy. You can't be like, "hey, hop in what room are you staying in? I didn’t shower before I got in here kind of count this as a bath". Sometimes they have lounge
chairs, you know. Who's lounging around an indoor pool? "After this chemical
bath, what do you say we grab some
florescent light, breath in some poisonous fumes, towel of with a dishrag think about it? Maybe I'll buy you a drink
from the vending machine you don’t have 8 bucks in
quarters on you, do you?" Whatever a stranger is
doing in a hotel pool is immediately annoying, right? Like that guy that swims laps you
know, it's like. "Settle down spazzo! You're at the Ramada, not the Olympics." And if you're a guy over the age of 30 by yourself in the hotel pool. You automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after
he strangled a family. "Yeah,
that dad was a tough one to kill. What room are you staying in?" You ever been in
the hotel pool and there's a couple in
there making out? It's always charming
and romantic comedies when a couple
kisses in public. But when you're sharing the
same water it's icky, like, "Ah, don’t mind me this isn’t awkward. What room are you staying in?" Of course, no one loves the hotel
pool more than kids, you know. Whenever I see a little kid in
the hotel pool I always think, I am swimming in a toilet. It's the first time
a kid can multitask. "I can play and pee! This is amazing! What room are you staying in?" I just love the characters
you'll see in a hotel pool. Occasionally there would
be like a sweet old lady someones great grandma, 90 years old
paddling around. "I haven’t been in a pool since the 30's" Why do old ladies always swim like this? "If my hair get's wet, I'll melt. Good thing I brought my shower cap. I made this suit out of
curtains upstairs. What room am I staying in?" Speaking of swimming
pools, my brother has an above ground
swimming pool. As if you didn’t think I was white trash already. You don’t really swim in an above ground pool you just, kind of wait around with a beer. "It's just like a regular
pool, but not relaxing or fun. I guess I'll head to the
deep-end slash middle. Whoo!" There is no graceful way to
get in an above ground pool. You always look like you're
sneaking into a giant cup of tea. "I hope the Mad Hatter
is not in here." But I love those above ground pools it always looks like the owner
couldn’t make the commitment. "I like to swim, but I also want
to destroy the value of my house. I need something to go
in between the abandoned car and the refrigerator without a door. What to do?" I've been trying to swim
a lot, you know. You always hear swimming's
the best exercise, but have you seen
how fat whales are? And whales,
they’re are like swimming all the time. "It's not working whales not working." *whale call*
