Losing Arguments with Your Wife After Her Brain Surgery - Jim Gaffigan

thank you for coming out it is great to be here been a crazy year for me crazier I don't know if you know in April it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor I'm not even making this up it was removed she's great everything's good I was in the other room soiling myself but the tumor is gone along with my ability to ever win another argument so now that gos winning a lot before but now I'm retired and luckily my wife's not the time to bring it up well once she did she was like you know I did have brain surgery and I couldn't be like yeah that was like a month ago it's time to move on know what about my seasonal allergies we all have our cross to bear it was crazy yeah the surgeon told me the tumor was the size of a pear which is scary but also confusing I was like did he go to med school or a farmers market but tumors are often compared to fruit a pear a lemon grapefruit interesting fact worst tumour grapefruit worst fruit grapefruit what do you think about a great fruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit I almost feel sorry for grapefruit yeah we can't win already the worst fruit and now we're compared to the worst tumor well at least we help old people poop that is the worst impression of a grapefruit happen it's kind of unfortunate that there's another fruit that's much smaller named grape cuz you know there's situations in doctors offices we found a tumor it's the size of a grape thank God I didn't finish grape fruit oh that's that's very different strange you know when the doctor told me the tumor was the size of a pear I thought wow I guess doctors are bad at analogies but I quickly realized they're just dumbing it down for idiots like me like the surgeon looked at me and thought while this guy's not going to understand centimeters honey we wanna try and explain circumference based on appearance he doesn't eat fruit he's probably seen a tan he's at the grocery store buying ice cream I don't know why the surgeon sounds like Andy Rooney no tumors look like fruit by the way if you don't know who Andy Rooney is you're a child and if you do know who Andy roadie is you should probably eat more grapefruit tumors compared to fruit they're there sometimes they're compared to balls like a golf ball or a softball but the surgeon looked at me and thought I'm gonna stick with food this understanding I joke around but it was scary we have five children and there were moments when I was like oh my gosh if anything happens to my wife those five kids are going to be put up for adoption some of these jokes are just for the fathers my wife was so amazingly strong and brave during this whole experience for three months after the surgery she couldn't eat solid foods and her friends would send us the most delicious food she couldn't eat so I found myself hiding the food and secretly eating it it's like a whole new eating disorder for me am I supposed to feel ashamed because I'm helping really I'm a hero she mostly a jello cello you know what to make jello out of bones and hooves I always thought that was an urban legend bones in huh what kind of madman let me have the bones and hooves I've got an idea for a kids dessert it'll be huge will get Cosby to do the commercials everyone trust him anyone using the eyeballs I can make an abacus tons of ideas they say laughter is the best medicine and it is after you've received real medicine from a real medical professional prior to that you don't want any laughter you don't want a doctor giggling during an exam oh my gosh this is your body nice man boobs my wife would had the surgery in New York City at a hospital named Mount Sinai I've noticed that a lot of hospitals in the US are either named after saints or ancient places in Israel which is not that reassuring when you think about it it's like hi welcome to our Hospital we're all about science which is why our building is named after the place God talked to Moses as a burning bush over here's our cast for the ghost wing next for our astrology Center do you like UFOs we love spend two weeks in the hospital people that work in hospitals are truly amazing people [Applause] suspicious right he's stealing the trucks they're a little too excited to be around sick people in pajamas and what I say I'm not talking about the positive slang right cuz that's that's part of our language right that jacket is but you don't want a medical professional to be like your test results are sick I mean let me clarify here you're dying it's gotta be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting I walked in there like we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife well your jaundice oh my gosh I have jaundice till we all have jaundice when my wife would nap I go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like it's Shawshank Redemption how about selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station Jim you're a monster different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the intensive care unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the intensive care unit I kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like look we care but we're not gonna be a spaz I get a phone call I'm gonna take it right we're like the mediocre care you which is better than we couldn't care less you know those guys it's wild my wife was in surgery for ten hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that why even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] to get these cravings those Snickers commercials are closed you you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 4,204,191

Rating: 4.8341713 out of 5

Keywords: Jim Gaffigan, Noble Ape, Jim Gaffigan comedian, Jim Gaffigan stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, stand up, comedians, jokes, funny jokes, funny, best stand up, best comedy, laugh, humor, Jeannie Gaffigan, tumor, medical, health, brain surgery, brain tumor, wife, marriage, arguments, hospital, fruit, doctor, balls, children, kids, adoption, food, medicine, hospitals, science, religion, intensive care unit, funny video, comedy videos, funny clips

Id: UVDYXB-der0

Length: 8min 33sec (513 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 16 2018