Funniest History Jokes | Jim Gaffigan Standup

twice a year i travel i tour with my kids we get on a tour bus and we go to like some destination last spring break we went to mount rushmore that's the most applause mount rushmore has ever come i feel sorry for mount rushmore you know people used to go there on their honeymoon and now i bring up mount rushmore and people look at me like i'm talking about a tv show that was canceled 10 years ago is that still going on yeah it's a mountain it's still going on and you know what it's beautiful and the black hills of south dakota are you know they're sacred to the lakota indians and out of respect our government carried four white guys into one of the mountains this land is sacred how about that mountain very sacred good we got an idea another gift for you guys these guys were all about freedom especially the two guys that own slaves but there's there's so much stimulation in our lives we don't know what to make of four faces on a mountain you know my kids didn't know what to think they were like is is one of the eyes gonna blink and i was like i don't know take a look because i'm never coming back here i was with a friend and we we drove by this school house and my friend was like you see that uh school house that's the schoolhouse where they wrote mary had a little wham i was like am i supposed to be impressed by that i mean well it is a national landmark and i'm like are people going come on kids let's go see where they wrote the worst song ever but what i didn't realize is that mary had a little lamb in its day was a huge hit it was huge it was like their uptown funk which makes you wonder what was going on in the 1830s have you heard that song mary had a little lamb it's the song of our generation it's so complex it's about this girl mary who had a lamb that was little the song explains it better i'm not doing it justice my friend told me goes you know that song's based on a true story like why hope so because that would be the worst made-up story ever how bad were the other songs of that era johnny has a little small pox we'll all be dead by 30. and of course my favorite why does everyone smell like poo jim don't do that when we were in erie pennsylvania we went on a pirate boat ride which was pretty authentic because when i think of lake erie i think of all them pirates storming the shores of western pennsylvania there were like 50 kids they were all dressed like pirates i felt like i was at a children's jimmy buffett concert and i tell you those kids were having that time of their lives kids love to dress like pirates the murderers and rapists that pirates were and we think it's adorable it's so cute he looks just like one of those sociopaths who terrorizes the caribbean we let our kids dress like murderers darth vader that genocidal lunatic it's fun the devil it's cute hitler no no parent wants to explain that one why is your boy dressed like hitler he's fascinated with the third reich he gets it from his father his father's man cave it's all hitler's swag i'm irish but i have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the irish have blonde or red hair is because the vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those vikings the scandinavians i don't know if you've been to sweden it's like a whole country of scarlett johansson's if i was in ireland at that time i would have been oh no some viking ladies coming to pillage me i guess i'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals hopefully she can help me put together that table i would do anything for my wife i'm aware of that but there are people that are more romantic prince edward abdicated his right to the english throne for the woman he loved isn't that unbelievable he was forced to choose between the woman he loved or being king of england and that idiot chose the broad now i'm sure in that moment it was the right decision and i'm happily married but even in the best relationship each person has thoughts where they go i've made an enormous mistake but we never thought i could have been king of england do you think prince edward really ever got over that every time he had to empty the trash he's like the king of england doesn't have to empty trash the king of england can chat with his ex on facebook can you imagine what kind of news event that abdication was in the uk then there must have been he's gone mad we should get him to hospital jim your british accent is getting worse why wouldn't you take five minutes and learn a good accent it's just lazy didn't feel any pressure to do anything some places you feel like a pressure to do something like st louis you got to go see our arch i don't want to go look at our arch why don't i just go to mcdonald's and see two san antonio you gotta go to the alamo i was gonna nap oh you gotta stand outside and blistering hate and look at a building can't i just say i forgot about the alamo you know who didn't want to go to the alamo the people who died at the alamo i bet their last thought was i wish i didn't go to the alamo i thought it was a rental car company can you imagine that level of bravery 187 texans fought 2 000 of santa ana's finest mexican troops and at one point those 187 texas just decided we should just fight till we all die like if i was there or we've been like excuse me i love the idea of texas too but have you tried this mexican food it is delicioso i propose we remember the guacamole you know as i mentioned earlier i did some shows in europe and i only bring that up to try and impress you but i flew over really the only way to get across the atlantic you rarely run into someone's like you know what a paddleboard it was a great arm workout i flew over that transatlantic flight wipes people out people are messing like i need a day i need a day the flight doesn't sound that hard it's like oh it's brutal i had to sit and watch two movies i felt like i was being waterboarded i need a day it's flying back 3000 miles seven hours we landed the guy sitting next to me was like that took too long it used to take six weeks on a boat if you survive that's how long it took columbus to get from spain to the western hemisphere six weeks but you know once columbus got here it was like i need a day i am so boat-left give me a day and i'll get right down to murdering and plundering jim don't bring up columbus you're too white but columbus that's part of our history right columbus ushered in all these people that came to the western hemisphere and some of them did bad things but humans have done bad things throughout the world like in australia the way some of the settlers treated the aboriginals it was not nice it was not a good day in fact it was a series of bad days or bidets my kids were with me in amsterdam i brought my kids to the anne frank house i told some friends that and they're like aren't your kids a little young for the anne frank house and you know what i learned they are they're too young but i wanted to bring them you know it's an important place i want them to learn so i brought them we were standing outside the ann frank house and i said this is a special somber place this is where anne frank her family and some friends hid from the nazis for two years and they couldn't speak during the day and anne also wrote this diary so let's be respectful my six-year-old raised his hand and he goes do they have video games here i said i'm gonna need you to be quiet for the rest of your life bought tickets online to the anne frank house i googled it the anne frank house has a google rating of 4.4 out of 5 stars who's giving the anne frank house a bad review it's like yeah wasn't that fun it's kind of crowded and there were no video games why do we feel the need to review everything nobody's going to anne frank's house looking for hot dogs i misread it i thought it was anne's frank house i was getting ready to have me an amsterdam dog east of quebec is uh new brunswick right new brunswick in the maritimes that's the home of the acadians right the acadians those noble brave people that the english kicked out of during the great expulsion they kicked them out of the maritimes and they sent some of them to louisiana some of them to the west indies and a brave amount of few fought their way back to return to the coldest place on earth but there's like a million french speakers in new brunswick so there's there's one in five canadians speaks french so there was this great compromise where the english speakers agreed to take french in school and the french speakers agreed to continue speaking french of course there are canadians who speak english and french and they're called flight attendants spanish of course had this great empire right uh right right near in barcelona is where columbus left right the columbus uh you know made a deal with king fernandez and queen isabella he's like i'm gonna find a shorter way to india and he got lost and he found the western hemisphere so he's a hero and i gave him a statue where he's pointing the wrong way as a result the the spanish colonized half of the western hemisphere right they went there and they found all the gold and they brought it back which brings up the question what'd you guys do with all the gold because uh i've been all around spain i don't see any gold i don't even see things you could buy with gold what happened to the gold i wanna know but everything starts later in spain meals shows democracy everything starts later right everything starts later because of course there was the spanish civil war which is a funny topic no the spanish civil war and i wanted to learn more about it so i watched some youtube videos and uh now i understand less but i do know the fascist one franco won and he ruled over spain for decades franco and of course he had a son named james franco who directed that movie the disaster artist but he cast his brother dave because spain's all about family and frank someone told me franco only had one testicle i don't know if that's true yeah i don't want to google it you know i didn't want to get all those one testicle ads you might be interested in these one testicle underwear i didn't want that supposedly hitler only had one testicle everyone has that friend that brings that up like it explained something you know hitler he only had one testicle oh that's why he did those horrible things we got to keep an eye on lance armstrong i'm sorry is lance here besides i can say that joke because i only have one testicle well from certain angles yeah that's disgusting i thought he was the clean comedian i thought he was of course a catholic country here you know in valencia i saw the holy grail well you know maybe right you know it's possibly the cup that jesus drank from at the last supper but probably not and there are like supposedly there's two other cups that are possibly cups that jesus drank from at the last supper but probably not in fact i have a cup at home that jesus possibly drank from but probably not it's a sippy cup so it was probably baby jesus this guy's a jerk he's just rude i love performing in asia didn't do a show in mongolia that's a disappointment those mongolians they they really slacked off right such a force for like thousands of years it's such a threat those mongolians are coming the mongolians are coming build a wall build a wall the mongolians are coming now they're like you know we like horses i just i like to ride horses such a cultural shift you know genghis khan is coming he's gonna conquer the world now they're like you know i want to open a buffet yeah that's what i'm into i just such a different generation but i went to red square which was fascinating there was the the kremlin and there were saint paul's cathedral that beautiful building with the towers that look like soft-serve ice cream and you know in times square how there are people dressed like elmo and dora well in red square i'm not making this up people are dressed like russian historical figures so people are walking around like there's someone dressed like linen and there's someone dressed like gorbachev and then i saw someone dress like stalin i was like wow that's weird didn't he do a couple bad things and and i was like that's something you'd never see in germany yeah you know you'd never see someone dress like merkel you know i mean no i was it was someone was dressed like stolen and people were paying to get their picture taken and a lot of them were tourists from russia and they were like i want my picture with a mass murderer and and i was asking some and i russians about this and they they explained that they know stalin was a monster but stalin was also a strong russian leader that's that's important a strong russian leader and you see it throughout their history like the most famous czar peter the great he was like he's responsible for the russian empire and started their navy but he also killed his own son and i was like he's still great and the russians are like parenting is difficult [Laughter] really and it's common knowledge that he tortured and killed his own son they're like kids can be annoying maybe peter is considered great compared to the first russians are who was ivan the terrible who sounds like a professional wrestler that was his name ivan like did he know that's what people called him was you know hey do i have a nickname what do people call me do they oh you have a nickname do they call me ivan the great no they call you ivan the terrible do they mean that in like a positive way like ivan that terribly handsome is that it no they they call you what if he was in denial about he's like what did i ever do what well you also killed your son yeah that's a big russian thing ah but ivan you also the the the architects of saint basil's cathedral you blinded them that was a misunderstanding i asked them could you ever recreate something as beautiful as that and they said yes but i thought i heard them say poke my eyes out so is the misunderstanding hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

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Views: 802,397

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Id: xENT1mW2KTM

Length: 18min 53sec (1133 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 26 2020