Funniest Technology Stand Up Comedy Jokes | Jim Gaffigan

playing phone tag with my dad for like the past three weeks i've come to the conclusion that my father knows absolutely nothing about technology because i've lived alone for five years i've had the same answering machine message which is hi this is jim please leave a message to this day if i'm not home my dad will leave the same message on my answering machine hello told him his dad called who's he talking to yeah damn my answering machine tony called i would have called earlier but the toaster told me i was hungry did you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cut you off you have to decide whether you should not call back or call back and appear like a stalker hi it's me again i forgot to tell you i'm gonna kill you because i'm the freak who keeps calling and calling it is crazy how the internet and emails changed our lives you ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today you're like what the hell has someone been kidnapped i'm not open it's probably filled with anthrax or something emails definitely made sending regular mail a choi you're like what i stuck in an envelope now i gotta go outside what am i a triathlete here work work work you ever have that friend that sends really long emails you open them up you feel like you got homework i can't read this dissertation now i'm gonna keep that as new i never even read them half the time i just hit reply sounds good don't write back ever email is so easy though it's everyone i have to write an email to a really smart person i get all tense great now to be sure this is a complete sentence i guess i'll capitalize a letter or two that's a symptom of being lazy when you can't quite reach the shift key they get the idea thank god for spell check huh spell check saves me constantly i get such an attitude with spelling checked i'm like no it's a person's name spell check you are so dumb spell tack i was right you were wrong oh that is how you spell wednesday thanks spell check he was talking to spelljack i am a horrible speller you know you're a poorest fellow when you're writing something you have to change what you're writing about based on the words you want to spell no one's here i'll leave a note guess i'll see you tomorrow tomorrow next week i gotta get spell check for this pen but if you do nothing for too long the most menial task is exhausting like i actually have to point the remote control what is this the 50s can't i just look at the tv and it'll know what i want to watch you've been watching tv for a couple hours and you suddenly lose the remote i haven't even gotten up i don't remember throwing it well looks like i'm watching this infomercial we all have the same attitude on infomercials who's watching this crap then three minutes later that's a good point maybe i need a knife that can cut a penny too bad my phone's on the other side of the room i need a remote for my phone i just prefer the easy way in life i do i see an escalator i get excited i'm like sweet all i got to do is keep my balance people look so bored on escalators you're always like you should be like i'm going upstairs without moving my legs i like to pretend i'm in charge of the escalator turn the people behind me you got to follow me stand there keep that pace you've been on an escalator and someone starts walking up behind you like settle down weirdo this is one of the good parts of life how are those people that take the stairs right next to the escalator what are you drunk this thing's free you don't need a ticket they're always like i'm taking the stairs because i'm watching my cholesterol and then halfway up they always have that look in their eyes i've made an enormous mistake these stairs are hard the escalator definitely makes you look down on stairs you're nothing more than an organized hill the only thing worse than walking upstairs is walking up an escalator that's not working what's the point it's like having a dead butler come on my butler died last week we all look so confused when we encounter the escalator that's not working how am i supposed to get up there i don't like when they separate the up and the down escalator they do that in malls you're like well here's the down escalator where's the app oh that's conveniently located a mile away did you bring a canoe because there's a river it's also amazing after all our technological advancements we still can't get the escalator handrail to go the same speed as the escalator looks like my hand's gonna get up there before me see up their hand i'd wave i don't have a hand the moving sidewalk that's like the cousin of the escalator those are sweet there is always that moment when i'm getting off a moving sidewalk where i'm like how do i walk again i haven't done it like 10 feet learning to walk again you ever find yourself walking on a moving sidewalk you start passing people for a second don't you feel bionic you're like see you slowpokes at the cinnabon he's like a professional walker he's like walker texas ranger walker have you been on the moving sidewalk that has the announcement sidewalk is ending are we that dumb are there people standing at the end well this is going real slow now oh it stopped why didn't they make an announcement i took so many pictures at disney that's all we do right as a society it's like hey instead of enjoying this moment let's take pictures we take pictures of everyday life and act like we're capturing history unbelievable the cat's asleep post that on my twitter [Applause] it's because we have the cameras on our phones do we need that it's not like 10 years ago we were like i wish i could take a low quality photo of my dessert text it to someone that's not interested but i can't so i guess i'll just eat it as a result we all have so many photos all these pictures and sure we all want our computers to run slow but what are we supposed to do with all these photos i mean i have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me and i just keep taking them like click clack clack we all do you click click click download all of them we don't even weed through them now i'll just get another computer that'll be my disney trip computer we used to have boxes of photos in our closets now it's just old computers there's our wedding computer that's my computer when i was single i should probably destroy that one [Applause] sad we have all these photos everyone has thousands of photos and besides us no one else cares because really any photo you're not in is not that interesting you might act interested right you're like oh you went to mexico how long is this going to take because i can fake it for like a minute i don't even like pictures that i'm in you know you ever see a photo of yourself and it kind of ruins your day for a second you don't even recognize yourself you're like who's that fat guy oh no i should call my wife and tell her i love her most of my friends under the age of 30 don't even have cable i'm like where do you send your 500 a month it's getting to be embarrassing to have cable right you have cable ah i'm getting rid of it you know when when i die technology's moving so fast and there's times when you feel like you're on top of it and then there's times when you feel like that friend with the flip phone we all have the friend or relative with a flip phone you're like where'd you get that do you use that to call the past what character were you on breaking bad but there's definitely moments when i'm the person with a flip phone like i have a landline some of you were like what's a landline no one wants to admit they have a landline it's like discovering you're still paying for aol here's how i justify having a landline i'm like well i need a landline in case all the cell towers go out and then i could call no one our landline will rang our landline will rank my wife and i we won't even move to answer it well it's obviously not for us no one we know has that number it's like paying a stranger 10 bucks a month to interrupt dinner by the way i know nobody's phone number i don't even know my own wife's phone number if i was arrested and i was allowed one call i'd be like i don't know 911 i do miss slamming down the landline when i was angry you know like you can go to hell you can't do that with a cell phone you can go to hell don't want that to fall in the toilet because inherently we're trusting we're very trusting of elevators we're like what is this a casket on a string let's hop on i don't know it works but if it shakes we'll giggle we giggle because we realize no one's driving the elevator we're like we're all gonna die should we press one of these buttons or climb through the trap door in the ceiling that leads to every bruce willis movie what do we do we also giggle because there's no talking on an elevator right you get on an empty elevator you and a friend and you're like i'll tell you later it's like a den of awkwardness you just stand there like are we supposed to kiss what are we doing it's very strange my wife loves talking on the phone and i would rather be hit by a car i'm not saying a big car but a mini cooper i'd take that over a 20-minute conversation she's always like it seems like you're trying to get off the phone i am i love you i just can't hold my arm up for this long i can't believe any of us talk on the phone there's email and text sometimes my phone rings and i look at it and i think this person better be calling to tell me their hands are chopped off i just wanted to hear your voice daddy buy my album the japanese are just they're they're better at being human can we admit that they're you know they're more polite they're better at design the japanese toilet are you familiar with the japanese toilet the japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence and fixed it the japanese toilet washes you dries you does your taxes and that is in a tokyo airport bathroom you leave a japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in you leave an american public restroom with ptsd your only thought is how can i forget that experience is there alcohol nearby different ancient cultures different strengths right yeah uh you know korea and and thailand amazing food japanese japanese toilet masterpiece you know masterpiece i don't know if i need the heated seat you know i don't you know you know what's comfortable feeling like your butt has the flu i don't know that's not for me japanese toilet masterpiece chinese toilet not there yet some place is not there at all like there's doing things differently and then just going we're not gonna have a toilet or we're gonna go no toilet there's sometimes there's a urinal but not a toilet you're like what didn't it show up or something we're still waiting on those toilets uh just open up i did a show in beijing the day of the show got an email they're like hey just wanted to give you a heads up there's no toilet at the venue and i was like well is this an outdoor show and it was a beautiful theater it was like this theater was beautiful theater no toilet felt like a design flaw like the architect they're like hey before you open up the theater i just i forgot oh shoot i knew i forgot something they were very polite at the venue they're like if you really have to go you there's a hospital nearby talk about an emergency room that's weird you know the squat toilet that's what it's called squat toilet which is like no toilet it's like even calling it a toilet is dishonest it's just a hole right that's where my adventurous i love cultures stops like the whole toilet i'm like i'm out i'm out you know what i mean you know and i was like in beijing and i was like you know what i'll wait i'll wait till i get to hong kong yeah i'm just gonna i don't first of all i don't know if i can physically do that i don't know if i can do that and i can't do that name that's for sure you know i mean it was just like it was too much and then you know but i've encountered that in other travels in istanbul i encountered the whole toilet and by whole i don't mean an entire toilet i mean like a hole and there was in istanbul there was the hole and then there were two huge footprints i don't know why the footprints were there maybe to stop people from fishing i don't know and like i don't know why the footprints were there you're like oh wow this is where bigfoot went poop i don't know hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand-up more stand-up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 1,062,846

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Id: g88XuruVYEM

Length: 17min 15sec (1035 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 16 2020